I present to you (over a period of time) one of the finest old
books I have read on the subject of Christian Child-Rearing and
Personality Development, by Paul D. Meier (Keith Hunt, June 2007).
CHAPTER ONE
THE CHILD'S SELF-CONCEPT
We have all been told in many ways, throughout our lives,
that we are inferior. This includes both verbal and non-verbal
messages. Some of these messages have been intentional, while
many have been unintentional. I will discuss some of the ways
that we can minimize the development of inferiority feelings in
our children. I believe very firmly that our first and most
important calling from God, if we are, parents, is to be the kind
of parents to our children that God would have us to be. I don't
care if you're a doctor, pastor, businessman, or travelling
salesman-your family comes first! Whatever time you have left
over from being the right kind of parent-that's the time you can
use to accomplish whatever other callings God has given you! And
one of the most important things we can do for our children is to
develop within them an emotionally healthy and Scripturally
accurate self-concept. Without self-worth, our children will not
only have a miserable life, but they will also be unable to reach
the potential God has called them to reach. I firmly believe that
all emotional pain ultimately comes from three root sources: (1)
lack of self-worth, (2) lack of intimacy with others, and (3)
lack of intimacy with God. A poor self-concept can significantly
hamper us in all three of these essential areas.
One of the most important facts I have learned in my psy-
chiatric training is that approximately 85 percent of a person's
ultimate personality is formed by the time he is six years old.
This fact alone has given me great insights into people and their
problems. During those first six years of life, children really
are inferior in many ways to the other persons in their
environment. They are much smaller physically, more clumsy, more
ignorant of the facts, and more concrete and naive in their
interpretation of the meager facts they have accumulated. And on
top of all that, they are inferior in authority, with parents
ruling over them and older siblings bossing them around. That's
what goes on the first six years. Then they go off to school at
age five or six, and what happens there? They may get all 80 and
90 percents on their papers and tests, but what does this mean to
them? It means that they got 10 or 20 percent wrong, and all they
see and hear about are the parts of their work that the teacher
marked with red ink! Instead of the emphasis being on what they
have learned and accomplished, the emphasis in American schools
today is usually a negative one-on what they have done wrong!
(William Glasser, "Schools Without Failure.")
Another serious influence on the development of self-worth
in our children is the influence of our parental value systems.
What do we as parents place the most value upon in our own
everyday life? I'm not talking about the values we tell our
children they should have, but the values they see us actually
living by when they analyze why we do the things we do and say
the things we say. Is our focus on materialism? Athletics?
Sinless perfection? Good looks? Intelligence? Humanitarianism? Or
godly character? Perhaps your own parents went through the
depression of the 1930s, and have reacted by overemphasizing
material gain in their daily life experiences and conversations.
Now you have grown up in that home, and, as an adult, have become
very successful at a very worthwhile profession that only pays
average wages. You will probably have conscious (or unconscious)
inferiority feelings because you have not lived up to the
materialistic expectations that were built into your way of
thinking. At this point your own children detect your inner
dissatisfaction and frustrations about not having more money and
material possessions. They see these frustrations eat away at
your own self-worth, and, step by step, they learn from you to
measure their own self-worth in terms of their own material
possessions - motorcycles, mod clothes, tenspeed racing bikes,
and spending money. If they don't have these things, they feet
worthless. And even if they do have these things, they will
compare themselves with others their age who have more, and they
will still feel inferior. That's human nature. From this example
I hope you can understand how faulty value systems can be passed
on from generation to generation.
I want to make it clear that I am in no way condemning being
rich. It is not a sin to be rich. But it is a sin to base our
self-worth on our riches. Some of the godliest men in the Bible
were also the richest men on earth in material terms-Abraham,
Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Job, David, Solomon, and many others. But
their self-worth was based on their faith in Gods wisdom, and
godly character traits. God simply chose to bless them
tremendously with material possessions.
Other great men of God had similar virtues but God chose for
them to live in financial poverty. Take, for example, the
disciples and the Apostle Paul. Paul said he had experienced both
riches and poverty, both popularity and abasement; but Paul based
his self-worth on godly character traits, and could therefore.
say, "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be
content" (Phil.4:11). Paul's sense of values is reflected in his
counsel to early Christians:
Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be
equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took
upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness
of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled
himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of
the cross. Wherefore God also bath highly exalted him, and
given him a name which is above every name: That at the name
of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and
things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every
tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the
glory of. God the Father. - Phil.2:5-11
Christ Himself told us, "But seek ye first the kingdom of
God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added
unto you" (Matt.6:98). If God has blessed you financially, I
think that's great! But be aware of the fact that your life here
on this earth is a temporary pilgrimage and a mission, and that
developing godly character in children who will live forever is
millions of times more important than devoting yourself to
business opportunities so you can provide them with so-called
financial security. I'd rather have eternal security than
financial security any day. Of course, there's nothing immoral
about having both, if God so blesses.
The proverbial Jewish mother puts a lot of emphasis on good
grades, 100 percents on test papers, and things like that when
she praises her children. This is in contrast to the average
American mother who praises her children for hanging their
clothing up or being quiet in the restaurant. My own parents,
even though they weren't Jewish, rewarded me for good grades and
punished me for poor grades when I was in elementary school.
After I got to junior high, they continued to reward me for good
grades and would frown at occasional not so good grades. They
also rewarded me for reading Spurgeon's sermons and drawing
architectural designs of houses. My father, who is a retired home
builder, even built one of the houses I designed and moved our
family into it, an event which I'm sure contributed to my own
self worth. My parents also attended all the elementary school
open houses to see and praise the good work their children had
done. But mixed with all this were regular church and Sunday
School attendance, and daily devotions around the supper table.
At these devotions, we would sing a hymn, read a chapter or so
from the Bible, and then get down on our knees beside our chairs
and pray for each other's needs. It was this background that
influenced me to continue my education for twenty-five years
(thirteen before high school graduation, counting kindergarten,
and twelve after), and become a Christian psychiatrist whose
desire is to design spiritual homes rather than physical ones.
But I have seen this emphasis on education get out of hand
in some of the families I have dealt with. I had a patient with a
Ph.D. from Duke University who frequently felt like a failure
because he didn't go after an M.D. degree, as his parents had
wished. I know another man with a doctorate in economics from
Harvard, who is very successful professionally and a brilliant
scholar. But he still carries around bad feelings about the one
course in which he didn't get an "A" as an undergraduate in
college. His parents had taught him that anything less than an
"A" is a dishonor to the entire family. His uncle even flew in
from out of state to talk to him about it when it happened. If we
as parents have unrealistic expectations for our children, they
will feel like failures, no matter how much they succeed in the
world's eyes.
Some parents go to the other extreme too, caring nothing
about the accomplishments of their children. I know of many
doctors and preachers who were so busy serving humanity or
furthering the cause of Christ that their children developed
terrible feelings of worthlessness, feelings from which they ran
by taking drugs or committing suicide. The Bible tells us that
the only men who should be ministers, elders, or deacons in a
local church are those who have "faithful children not accused of
riot or unruly" (Titus 1:6). There was a time when one of my
sisters was going through a temporary rebellious stage, so my
father resigned as deacon and did not assume his duties as deacon
again. until she had passed through it. Now that same sister is a
godly woman who is happily married to a fine Christian, has two
beautiful children, conducts Bible studies in her home, and is a
real prayer warrior for God. She has the highest regard for the
father she rebelled against earlier. He admits now, when he looks
back, that he was spending too much time doing church work and
not enough time with his family. He was holding several church
offices at the same time.
It's interesting to note that my sister now attends church
where the minister will not allow any individual to hold more
than one position in that church. He says he would rather have
each individual do one job well and devote the rest of his time
to his family. I think that's a great idea. One of the most
important abilities I have learned is the ability to say no to
well-intentioned people who ask me to do things when I know my
time is already stretched as far as I want it to be. A minister
who can't say no sometimes for the sake of his family should
serve the Lord in some other profession. As church members, we
can also be of assistance to our pastors by such little things as
not calling him at night, hiring people to relieve him of mundane
chores, and participating in the evangelistic work of the church
ourselves, as was the case in the early church.
Let's discuss our value systems regarding athletics for a
moment. Overall, I think athletics are a great tradition for a
number of reasons. A school-age child's self-worth is influenced
a great deal by how he is regarded and valued by his peers. And
being average or better than average in athletic skills is one
good way to gain the respect of his peers. Sports will teach the
child teamwork, enthusiasm, how to compete with himself, how to
compete with others, how to win graciously, and how to accept
defeat and frustrations. He will see himself improving with
practice, and apply this concept to other areas of his life. He
will learn to play by the rules, and he'll learn the consequences
of disobeying rules. It is to be hoped that he will apply these
concepts to the "game of life." Sports can help your child gain
self-confidence as his ability increases, and he can use athletic
teams to develop close friendships and to learn to relate to
others.
But before you decide that athletics is a cure-all, I feel
that it is my duty as a Christian psychiatrist to show you the
other side of the coin too. Athletics, if misapplied, can be used
to destroy a child's self-worth, or even to teach him sociopathic
values. When you play baseball with your children, do you praise
them when they do something right, or do you remain silent when
they hit or catch the ball and criticize them when they miss it?
Are you continually correcting and showing them how they should
have done it? To become good athletes what they really need is
your acceptance, your companionship, repetition, repetition, and
repetition, mixed with some genuine praise for what they do
right. Then there is the problem of coaches. There are good
coaches and there are bad coaches. There are coaches who are
emotionally healthy, who help develop character in youngsters;
and there are emotionally disturbed or spiritually depraved
coaches who need to win so badly that they teach their athletes
to cheat, to injure other players, and to do whatever else is
necessary to win. This is the "win at any cost" philosophy. If
your child accepts this "win at any cost" philosophy in sports,
he will apply it to other areas of his life as well. An intense
desire to win is quite healthy, but not if it is at any cost. I
want my children to be assertive and competitive, but not
sociopathic.
Another thing to watch for is expecting too much of your
children in athletics. Don't forget that much of athletic ability
is inherited, and your child may be getting social benefits from
simply warming up the bench- If you're proud of him for making
the team, or for having the courage even to try out, he'll have
selfworth. If you express disappointment that he is not the
quarterback or shortstop, he'll lose some self-worth. I am 6'4",
but I don't have very much natural athletic ability. I'm good at
some sports and poor at others. I had a basketball backboard on
the garage when I was growing up, and spent hundreds of hours
there shooting baskets-but I never made a single basketball team.
I didn't even make my fraternity basketball team in college.
Basketball is definitely not my spiritual gift! I'm fairly good
at tug-of-war and arm-wrestling, and I was a fairly good goalie
in soccer, but definitely not basketball. For that reason, there
is nothing that would build my self-worth more than to have my
son become a professional basketball player. I could build his
whole life around basketball and place all sorts of demands upon
him if he wants to be accepted by me. And this is exactly what a
multitude of parents do-expect their children to succeed in areas
that they were weak in when they were growing up. So if my sons
inherited my basketball-playing ability, I ought to. give God the
freedom to develop the talents He chose for them to have. I would
rather have my children meet the needs of the Kingdom of God, and
their own personal needs, than to feel obligated to make up for
my own personal deficiencies.
I don't believe sports are the exclusive possession of the
male gender either. Girls can benefit from them just as boys can,
but I would not advise you to encourage in any way your daughter
to be a boy or to try out for left tackle on the high school
football team! Some fathers prefer sons so much that their
daughters become boys to gain their acceptance. This can result
in a wide variety of emotional conflicts, including difficulty
relating sexually in marriage. But this is only if the problem is
severe, and most girls go through somewhat of a tomboy stage in
pre- and early adolescence.
We have touched on a few of the faulty value systems that we
parents frequently have: overemphasis on materialism, education,
or athletics. There are dozens of others we could discuss, but
there is one more that I feel I must cover. It is the one I have
probably seen misused more than any other in my experience as a
psychiatrist, with materialism taking a close second. That faulty
value system is the overemphasis in American society today on
physical appearance ( Bill Gothard, Seminar: Institute in Basic
Youth Conflicts).
A great deal of the inferiority feelings experienced by
millions of Americans today comes from comparing various physical
defects with the physical attributes of others. I have seen this
commonly in both men and women. I'll describe briefly how it is
developed in girls, and some of the consequences of it, but
remember that this occurs in boys too in a very similar way. This
particular faulty value system usually develops when a pretty
little girl is born into a family that overemphasizes physical
appearance, so they praise her over and over again for how pretty
she is, but never praise her for anything else. There is nothing
wrong with praising your children occasionally for how nice they
look-I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about praising good
looks at the expense of other more important things, like godly
character traits. These parents are also constantly bragging to
others about their child's good looks in the child's presence.
The parents certainly mean no harm, but if this is overdone (and
it frequently is in today's society), the child will learn to
measure her own self-worth for the rest of her life on the basis
of her physical attractiveness or sex appeal. As she grows older,
especially during her teens, she will always find somebody who
has a prettier face, a better figure, less knobby knees, or
whatever else she considers her main physical defect. It is
interesting to note that it is nearly always her physical defects
that she will compare with others, not the physical attributes
that are satisfactory. In many cases, the more attractive the
girl, the more inferior she may feel deep down, partially because
her parents naturally tended to place more emphasis on her looks
than they would have had she been an average-looking girl. What a
difference it would make if parents would primarily praise their
child's good character and behavior! Character and behavior
defects are correctable! Physical defects usually are not. A
child whose parents value and praise good character and behavior
will strive to improve his or her character and behavioral
weaknesses in order to gain both parental approval and feelings
of self-worth, which are vital to good mental health.
Many of us fail to recognize the hidden bitterness and
resentment we carry toward God for not designing us the way we
would have designed ourselves. We don't realize that God designed
us the way He did because He loves us and wants to develop within
each of us a Christlike character, so that we can experience the
abundant life. How foolish we sometimes are, thinking that we are
wiser than God Lets take a dose look at what God inspired David
to write about this subject:
For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in
my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee, for I am
fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Thy works, and
my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from
Thee, when I was made in secret, and skill. fully wrought in
the depths of the earth. Thine eyes have seen my unformed
substance; and in Thy book they were all written, the days
that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of
them. - Ps.189:18-16, NASV
I especially appreciate this beautiful portion of Holy
Scripture from my point of view as a physician. David, under
God's divine inspiration, does a fantastic job of describing
medical embryology. David knew nothing about DNA and RNA, but he
knew that before we were even born, God designed us! While our
bodies were being skilfully differentiated within our mothers'
wombs, each of our "inward parts" was designed exactly as God
intended. This includes the strengths and weaknesses of each of
us. It includes areas of special talent, and areas where the
talent just isn't there. It includes basic intelligence
potential, some basic personality characteristics, and hereditary
predispositions to certain physical and mental illnesses. Manic
depression, for example, is primarily a genetically predetermined
mental illness (Merrill T. Eaton and Margaret H. Peterson,
Psychiatry, P. 199).
Psychiatrists put patients suffering from mania on lithium
salts and they frequently are back to normal within ten days.
Other examples will be discussed later. In contrast, many people,
probably all of us, have changeable defects, such as being
overweight, overanxious, or overly dependent upon others. These
are things that we are responsible for ourselves, and I believe
we should make every effort to correct our correctable defects.
This will improve our self-worth as well as our usefulness to God
as far as our testimony is concerned.
Let's take a brief look at the Apostle Paul. Paul was
probably the greatest missionary of all time. Why did Paul make
himself so totally available to God while so many other
Christians make themselves available to God only a portion of the
time, thinking that they can run their own lives better than God
can? Note what Paul had to say about this:
And because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,
for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was
given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Saran to
buffet me - to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this
I entreated the Lord three times that it might depart from
me. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient jar you,
for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore,
I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of
Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with
weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with
persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when
I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Cor.12:7.10, NASV
God gave Paul the gift of healing, and with that gift Paul
healed all kinds of illnesses in others. But God said no to Paul
when he requested the power to heal himself. God said no for a
reason. I believe God answers every one of our prayers, but to
expect God to always answer them affirmatively is not only naive,
it is an attempt to take over the omniscience and omnipotence of
Almighty God. God gave the Apostle Paul an uncorrectable defect
for Paul's own good and for the glory of God, and He may do the
same for some of us, like it or not. True Biblical Christianity
is extremely practical. It works! Living according to God's wise
concepts, as outlined in His Holy Word, will result in the
abundant life of love, joy, peace, and the other fruits of the
Spirit.
It doesn't surprise me that many non-Christian psychiatrists
think that all religion is hocus-pocus magical thinking, since so
many of their mentally disturbed patients are hysterical and try-
ing to play God, telling Him what to do and how to do it. The
more inferior a person feels, the more superior he will probably
act; this is to compensate for his feelings of inadequacy. If his
inferiority reaches psychotic proportions, he will likely make
up, and actually believe, grandiose delusions about himself.
These are frequently paranoid delusions which make him feel more
important.
I have had several patients (including one woman) who
actually thought they were Jesus Christ. I interviewed one such
patient in a locked room, and when I asked him if he knew why he
was there in the mental hospital, he told me God had sent him
there to take me home to heaven. At that point I began sweating
profusely! I was afraid that he might get up right then and there
and try to send me home to heaven! He asked me for a sip of my
coke, and I told him I didn't share my cokes for fear of
spreading germs. He responded that if I would give him a sip of
coke, he would give me eternal life. So I said, "Here, take the
whole thing!" With proper medication, he improved from his acute
paranoid schizophrenic episode in a few weeks. I found out later
that he had lived a very wicked life, but had accepted the Lord a
couple of years prior to this illness and joined a very
negativistic local church. He already had an abundance. of
inferiority and inadequacy feelings because of his past. To make
matters worse, this church kept pounding negative and legalistic
thoughts into him right and left. His self-worth finally reached
such a low ebb that he convinced himself he was Christ, so he
could bear the severe pain of his low self concept. I encouraged
him when he was sane again to dwell on God's grace and his
importance to God, and God's total forgiveness for his entire
past. I wanted to tell him to quit his church and get into a
healthier assembly of believers. In fact 1 hinted at this to him,
although I don't believe it is my place as a psychiatrist to tell
people what church to go to-just what type of churches I think
are health-producing.
The local church you choose for your children to grow up in
will become one of the major influences on their self concepts.
If you're in a negativistic, legalistic church that neglects
God's grace, you're in the wrong boat! It will permanently damage
your child's self-worth. Or if you are in a liberal church,
supposing it to be a sinking ship you can save, your children
will probably sink with it. I would recommend that you get your
family into a church where the Bible is accepted as the errorless
Word of God, where souls are being saved, where genuine Christian
love is practiced, where God's grace, love, acceptance, and
forgiveness are preached (as well as God's justice), and where
healthy entertainment and youth activities are available for your
children? (For a goad description of a and psychologically
healthy church, read Gene A.Getz's book, "The Measure of a
Church"). I am genuinely grieved in my heart when I see the
potential so many children have to live the abundant life and to
further the cause of Christ, and then realize that thousands of
them will never reach that potential because they are being
ruined by rigid churches that stand for the wrong things or
liberal churches that don't stand for anything!
Solomon said, "Take away the dross from the silver, and
there shall come forth a vessel for the finer" (Prov.25:4). As
Christians, each of us is a silver vessel, made according to
God's divine plan. Each of us also is covered, to various
extents, by the dross of human error. And each of our children is
covered to some extent by the dross of our errors as parents.
Underneath that dross, each of us (and each of our children) is a
unique silver vessel. Not a single one of us is inferior to any
other, though we may each have a different, unique design. We
must all strive for spiritual and emotional maturity, placing
ourselves and our children in God's hands, so He can remove that
dross and use our children and ourselves as vessels of honor
rather than vessels of dishonor.
Each human being is extremely important to God. Christ said,
"Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall
not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of
your head are all numbered. Fear ye not, therefore, ye are of
more value than many sparrows" (Matt.10:29-31).
Christ also showed us how important we are to Him when He
said, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow
me: And I give unto them eternal life: and they shall never
perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My
Father, which gave them to me, is greater than all; and no man is
able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. I and my Father are
one" (John 10:27-30). What security that brings! So many
unhealthy churches believe that God is a mean old man holding a
whip, just waiting for us to dare to break one of His rules, so
He can snap us with the whip or take us out of His hand and flick
us off. When these churches read John 3:3 and John 3:7, they
stutter, so that it comes out, "Ye must be born again, and again,
and again, and again." But the God of the Bible is a God of
perfect love and perfect justice, who sent His Son, Jesus Christ,
to die on a real cross in order to save us from a real hell. He
is a God who loves us so much that He gave us His love letter,
the Holy Bible, which contains the principles He wishes us to
live by if we want the abundant life. And Christ says He takes
those who put their faith in Him and puts them in the palm of His
hand, giving them eternal life. And the Father puts His loving
hand around Christ's hand, and neither of them will let us out of
that secure position that we have in Him by His grace. "For by
grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of ourselves: it
is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast"
(Eph.2:8-9).
We may have a long way to go as far as emotional and
spiritual maturity is concerned, but we are definitely not
inferior, and neither are our children. Several years ago, a
friend of mine wore on his coat a button with the letters
BPGIFWMY. I asked him what it meant, and he told me, "Be patient,
God isn't finished with me yet!" There is a real lesson to be
learned from that. We should be as patient with ourselves and
with each other as God is.
O LORD, Thou hast searched me and known me.
Thou dost know when I sit down and when I rise up;
Thou dost understand my thought from afar.
Thou cost scrutinize nay path and my lying down,
And art intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, Thou dost know it all.
Thou hast enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Thy hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it....
How precious also are Thy thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with Thee.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way. - Ps. 139:1-6,17-18,
28-24, NASV
.......................
To be continued with "The Importance of Genuine Love Between
Parents."
Christian Parenting #2
Love Between Parents
Chapter Two
The Importance
of Genuine Love Between Parents
I want to begin this second chapter of my book with a few
comments on love itself - its meaning, its development, and the
importance of a healthy husband-wife love relationship in the
development of their children's self concepts. A definite
majority of the neurotic children I have treated come from homes
in which there are a weak, passive father and a domineering,
smothering, overprotecting mother. Also, in preparation for this
book, I have sat for many days in the library of Duke University
Medical School pouring over research findings on parent-child
relationships - what types of parents produce what types of
children. The research literature describes hundreds of
syndromes, and in a majority of them, there are a weak, passive
father and a domineering, smothering, overprotecting mother. In
the bibliography I have listed several hundred of the research
articles I have studied and used as primary sources for this
book. I have studied these articles with a view to the findings
of objective research. I have discarded the non-Christian
philosophies and interpretations that clearly disagree with
Scripture. In the process I did not have to discard the results
of any objective, documented research. I believe the Bible is the
totally inspired Word of God, and that it contains no errors
whatsoever in its original manuscripts. As a Christian
psychiatrist, I use the Bible as the foundation for all my
beliefs and practices. I consider my Bible to be God's revealed
truth to me. But there are many things that the Bible does not
talk about. The Bible doesn't tell us how to treat bedwetting, or
stuttering, what to do with Mongoloid children, (this dates this
book from away back, as such children are no longer called
"Mongoloid" - Keith Hunt) or how to treat childhood
schizophrenia. These are things that we learn from experience and
research.
I have emphasized the first six years the most, because 85
percent of the child's eventual personality will be formed by the
time he is six years old. After age six, all we can do is to try
to modify the other 15 percent of his personality development.
Dr. Gary Collins has stated:
Developmental psychologists have conducted literally
thousands of studies and the results of these investigations
have substantially increased our knowledge and understanding
of the nature of childhood. A survey of some of these
psychological conclusions could be of value to church
leaders and Christian parents as they seek to "train up a
child in the way he should go" (Prov. 22:6) [Gary Collins,
"Man in Transition"]
I have attempted to follow this suggestion by Dr.Collins, a
dedicated Christian psychologist and seminary professor. The
reader may be asking how this relates to the importance and
meaning of love. I have mentioned the commonness of the weak
father/smothering mother syndrome in the families of neurotic
children. One of the main reasons that neurotic parent-child
relationships develop is that there already exists a neurotic
husband-wife relationship. I don't know how many times I have had
a mother bring her neurotic child to me, and I have put the
mother on tranquilizers and the child got better!
The treatment for most child psychiatry problems almost
always involves helping the parents learn better ways to live and
love. If the husband and wife are not getting their love needs
met by their mates, they will look elsewhere for satisfaction.
The husband traditionally gets involved in an outside affair, and
the wife develops a neurotic need for her child to love her. So
desperate is she for her child to love her that she is afraid to
spank him when he needs it - spanking would cause him to stop
loving her for a few minutes or hours. Many of these mothers
sleep in separate bedrooms, or even sleep with their children,
rather than with their husbands. They don t want the child to
grow up because of their intense fear of the child leaving them
eventually and taking away the only relationship they have.
That's why they smother the child, spoil him, make all his
decisions for him, and discourage independence. When these
children are six, they're afraid and unable to go to school
because they are so neurotically involved with their mothers. In
their teens, they realize their inadequacies, turn to drugs or
alcohol, hate their mothers, and seldom mature. When they
eventually marry and have children of their own, the mother
extends her attempts to dominate into the new home, smothering
the grandchildren and dividing their parents. Generations can be
affected by a husband and wife who do not love each other as they
should. [Paul D. Meier, "Self-Acceptance to Mate-Acceptance"]
What is love, anyway? This is an ancient question the
answers to which usua y ring the satisfaction. Is it a feeling?
Is it an action? Or is it just a figment of our imagination? I
believe true love is real, even though the love people THINK they
have is frequently imagined. Many people mistakenly think that
love is an automatic sensation that comes and stays forever when
a person performs some magical ritual, like saying, "I do." Love
is more than a mere emotion, even though it has a large emotional
component. Love involves an individual's entire spirit, soul, and
body. By "spirit," I refer to the part of us that yearns to know
God's love and also longs for the love of others. By "soul," I
refer to the mind, emotions, and will. Thus emotions are a large
component of love, but true love is more than just an emotion. By
"body," I refer to the various practical and sometimes physical
ways in which we express true love and concern for others whom,
over a period of time, we have learned to love on the levels of
spirit and soul.
I believe strongly that God has designed us to share our
love with others on all three planes: the spiritual plan,
emotional plane, and physical plane. It is also important to
develop our love relationships in that order. In today's society,
the trend is to "love" physically first, which is really not love
at all. It's just old-fashioned lust. Unfortunately, our society
has cheapened sexual relationships. Sexual communion is a
beautiful thing, created by God for the dual role of procreation
and the godly person's enjoyment. It provides tremendous relief
from sexual tensions. But God intended this physical, sexual
communion to be a regular part of married life, warning
specifically against fornication, adultery, and homosexuality. He
warned that those who commit these sins, just like those who
commit any other sin, will suffer the natural consequences. As a
psychiatrist, I have seen many patients whose psychological
problems were influenced greatly by these specific sins. And as a
psychiatrist, I have also seen numerous Christian patients who
had sexual hang-ups because of Victorian misconceptions about
what the Bible really says concerning the sexual relationship in
marriage. And what is really sad is the effect of the Victorian
ethic on the children of these husbands and wives. Many
Christians are shocked to find out that the Apostle Paul warned
husbands and wives never to turn each other down for sexual
relations, except during prayer:
Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise
also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have
authority over her own body, but the husband does; and
likewise also the husband does not have authority over his
own body, but the wife does. Slop depriving one another,
except by agreement for a time that you may devote
yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan
tempt you because of your lack of self control.
1 Cor. 7:3-5, NASV
It is obvious that when marriage partners turn each other
down for sexual relations, and don't seek fulfillment in this
area of their lives, they will have less resistance to the
temptations offered by Satan to meet those needs in unscriptural
and neurotic ways. In a Christian marriage, anything the couple
mutually enjoys, in a physical way, that is not harmful to either
partner, is beautiful in the eyes of a Holy God who created them
for each other. It is the physical expression of the true love
that exists on a spiritual and emotional level. It promotes good
mental health in the entire family. Very few people ever reach
their true love potential in the marriage relationship.
Love is not something that is restricted to the marriage re-
lationship. As Christians, we are to love God with all our heart,
soul, and mind, and to love our neighbor as much as we love
ourselves (see Mark 12:30-31). True healthy love of God, self,
and others is essential for good mental health.
True love is not a natural thing. It is learned. It requires
emotional and spiritual maturity. A newborn babe, though loved by
his mother, does not yet know how to love in return. Warmth,
stimulation, and food are his concerns. For the infant, "I love
you" really means "I possess you." And yet, an infant's love is a
beautiful thing, as primitive as it may be. It feels good to want
to be possessed by someone so young. As the infant becomes a
young child, his primitive love also grows. He strives to please
his parents - most of the time, anyway. The son identifies with
his father, and the daughter with her mother, taking on their
personality characteristics. But this immature love is still
quite selfish, and frequently a technique to manipulate and to
avoid punishment. When I saw this one time in one of my sons, I
wrote a brief poem about it:
Who taught my child to love so selfishly? "Surely not I!" I
quickly say, But then when I face reality, Part is from
Adam, and much is from me.
An adolescent's new-found puppy love, when described in
honest terms, frequently means something like, "I want to use you
to prove what I am, and to satisfy my physical and ego needs." A
naive person feels flattered by this adolescent form of love; an
emotionally mature and realistic person may feel physically flat-
tered, but knows that this type of love won't satisfy his or her
soul and spirit. Mature love is patient. Mature love is kind.
Mature love seeks the other persons benefit, expecting nothing in
return, though appreciative when true love is returned. That's
true love! Most individuals, families, groups, and even nations
have learned (and chosen) to love only on the infantile,
childish, or adolescent level. Mature, intimate love is found in
a minority of adults, some adolescents, and a few exceptionally
mature children. These individuals have sought, and acquired; the
help of the God of love in reaching this blissful state. God gave
the Apostle John the following words to pen for us: "Beloved, let
us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that
loveth is born ("begotten" really is the correct understanding
and should have been translated as such - Keith Hunt) of God, and
knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love"
(I John 4:7-8).
Dr.O.Quentin Hyder, a Christian psychiatrist from New York City,
has aptly stated:
It is not surprising that, as they get older, children from
Christian homes tend to rebel and fall away from the faith
of their parents. They can see the hypocrisy, the
inconsistency, and the prejudice in their parents' lives.
Unhappily, they then tend to equate these with the church,
and in rejecting their parents' faith they also reject
Christ in their own lives. By contrast those Christian homes
in which love is paramount produce sons and daughters who
themselves devoutly propagate the faith to their own
children. Christian Love is unselfish and unprejudiced. It
is patient and humble, tolerant and understanding. It is
giving and giving again. It is the opposite of hostility,
resentment, and jealousy. It is the gift above all others
which fills lives with happiness, satisfaction, security,
and inner peace. It is given by God to all who desire that
their time in this world should be spent in a higher
dimension. "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love
one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one
another. By this shall all men know that ye are my
disciples, if ye have love one to another" (John 13:34,
35).3
[O.Quentin Hyder, "The Christian's Handbook of Psychiatry,"
p.96].
..................
To be continued with "How to Teach Your Child to Love Himself in
a Healthy Way."
Healthy Self-Love #3
How to teach your children to have it
We continue with the old but fine book on "Child-Rearing and
Personality Development," by Paul Meier, M.D.
How to Teach Your Child
to Love Himself in a Healthy Way
The title of this section may sound alien to many Christians
who have, unfortunately, been brought up in churches where they
were taught that self-hatred is a virtue rather than a sin. Many
were taught that salvation is acquired by obeying denominational
rules and regulations, self-punishment, tithing, hiding all
emotions, attending all church services, and by constantly
reminding yourself of how worthless you really are. These
Christians become chronically depressed, and that's why I see so
many of them in my office. Dr.O Quentin Hyder talks about
perfectionism, legalistic Christians, and forgiveness when he
states:
Perfection in this life is categorically impossible. If it
were possible, we would need no redemption in Christ. But
striving toward perfection in the sense of trying to live a
life in conformity with the will of God is not only possible
but our aim as a Christian.... We cannot attain perfection
but we must strive toward it, not in the sense of trying to
earn our salvation by good works, but as an act of gratitude
to Christ for having already saved us by His atoning death.
Unhappily, legalistic Christians cannot see this. They have
heard it a hundred times from the pulpit, but they have
great difficulty accepting forgiveness. They are often
people whose parents were very demanding, never satisfied
with their efforts, and unforgiving of their failures. These
emotional pressures, especially on impressionable,
sensitive, and vulnerable children, lead to an inability in
adult life to believe that it is possible to be forgiven.
They think that forgiveness is something for nothing. This
is erroneous. Indeed it costs nothing to become a Christian
initially, but it costs everything to be a Christian and
live up to the pledge made at the moment of commitment to
Christ. It costs absolute surrender of the will to God to
live the sort of life, albeit imperfect, which God intended
for us in this present world. Paul specifically admonished
the Galatians against legalism and perfectionism in his
letter to them. They were teaching the heresy that good
works were necessary to supplement the redemptive work of
Christ in salvation. Paul wrote: "Received ye the Spirit by
works of law, or by the hearing of faith? Are ye so foolish?
having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the
flesh?" (Galatimes 3:2-3). To the Romans he wrote: " .. by
the deeds of the law shall no flesh be justified in his
sight" (Romans 8:20) and to the Colossians: "... ye are
complete in him, which is the head of all principality and
power" (Colossians 2:10).
A majority of all the depressive neurotics I have treated
personally have been Christians from legalistic, negativistic
churches. They have the basic position in life that transactional
analysts call the "I'm not O.K. and you're not O.K." position, or
else the "I'm not O.K., but you're O.K." position, the latter
being somewhat less severe than the former. "I'm not O.K. and
you're not O.K." is the most emotionally harmful position a
person can have. Christians who have been taught (and believe)
this position withdraw from others and have neither self-worth
nor genuine love relationships with others, the two main
requirements of mental health. Many of them have a nervous
breakdown and become psychotic because reality - or at least
reality as they see it - is too painful to bear. If they don't
obey all the laws of the denomination, they are told that they
will lose their salvation. What an unbearable, frustrating life
that must be - to gain and lose one's salvation and never know
for sure if heaven or hell is waiting at death's door.
The Apostle John told us, "And this is the record, that God
hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He
that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son hath
not life. These things have I written unto you that believe on
the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal
fife, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God" (I
John 5:11-13). The Apostle Paul told us, "For by grace are ye
saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift
of God: not of works, lest any man should boast" (Eph.2:8-9). He
also said, "All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not
expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be
brought under the power of any" (I Cor.6:12). And so I would like
to ask legalistic churches the same question Paul asked the
church at Galatia, "Have ye suffered so many things in vain?"
(Gal.8:4).
I know a Christian physician who suffered more than a year
of mental anguish and depression in spite of my best attempts to
help him, until he finally accepted the principle of God's grace.
What a difference in him now, as he continues life as a confident
Christian physician, eager to serve God out of love rather than
obligation.
Is it really God's plan for us to love ourselves, and our
children to love themselves? If by love of self you mean vanity
and pride, the answer is, "Definitely Not." When God lists the
seven sins He hates the most, [actually it does not say "hate the
most" - it says "hate" and "abomination" but God has many more
sins He hates and are an abomination to Him - see Strong's
Corncordance under "hate" and "abomination" - Keith Hunt] He
leaves off such sins as adultery and divorce; but number one on
his "top seven" [ they are not dogmatically His "top seven" -
Keith Hunt] list is the sin of having "a proud look" (see
Prov.6:16-19). This is referring to a "better than thou"
attitude. It is the "I'm O.K., but you're not O.K." position of
sociopathic criminals and drug pushers? No, I am not referring to
sinful pride and vanity when I talk about the importance of
self-worth. I'm talking about loving ourselves in a healthy way -
in a way that pleases God because it makes us more useful in His
service, and because He loves us and wants us to experience the
abundant life.
Mark 12:28-84 tells of a legal expert - a scribe - who came
to Jesus and asked Him which of the commandments is the most
important. Jesus answered, "The foremost is, 'Hear, O Israel; The
LORD our God is one LORD; and you shall love the LORD your God
with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your
strength.' The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as
yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these"
(Mark 12:29-S1, NASV). The Apostle Paul tells us, "So husbands
ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his own wife loves himself" (Eph.5:28, NASV). A person who
has a negative attitude toward himself will also be quite
critical of others. A person who doesn't love himself in a
healthy way will find it impossible to develop genuine love
relationships with others. Two of the most important concepts I
learned from my psychiatric training, both of which agree totally
with Scripture, are: (1) You cannot truly love others until you
learn to love yourself in a healthy may; (2) Lack of self-worth
is the basis of most psychological problems.
One important aspect of loving yourself in a way that will
please God involves taking care of your body. If you want your
children to take proper care of their bodies, you need to take
care of your own. The Apostle Paul asked, "Know ye not that ye
are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in
you?" (I Cor.3:16). And further, "What? know ye not that your
body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye
have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a
price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit,
which are God's" (I Cao.6:19-20). Paul called our bodies "the
temple of the living God" (2 Cor.6:16). These passages of
Scripture make it quite plain that our bodies are very important
to God. In fact, "the very hairs of your head are all numbered"
(Matt. 1:30).
The fact that our bodies are God's temples has some serious
implications. It implies that out families, including ourselves,
should have healthy eating and sleeping habits, as well as
adequate exercise and recreation. When a person becomes more and
more irritable and gets angry over seemingly trite circumstances,
his personal physician knows that he is probably either anemic or
psychologically depressed - or both. Anemia is especially common
in females, because of their monthly menstrual cycles. Iron
supplements are frequently all that is needed. If your teenager
starts fad-eating or crash dieting, leaving protein out of his
diet, he may become anemic and more irritable and rebellious
although this is not the usual cause of adolescent rebellion.
Overeating can be just as detrimental to our physical and
emotional health. The incidence of heart attacks and other fatal
illnesses takes a sharp rise when we weigh about 20 percent more
than our recommended weight. If we overeat, we also have incresed
feelings of guilt and loss of self-esteem. It is somewhat
contradictory to tell our children to exercise self-control in
their lives while they watch us exercising poor self-control in
areas such as eating.
Taking care of God's "temple" also implies healthy sleeping
habits. I have seen many zealous Christians totally ignore their
need for sleep, only to find themselves burned out a little while
later. God made sleep for the healing of both our bodies and our
minds. Sleep is much more important for mental health than it is
for physical rest, although it serves both functions. The average
adult dreams approximately twenty minutes out of every ninety
minutes that he sleeps. Children spend an even higher percentage
of their sleep-time dreaming. We remember dreaming, however, only
when we happen to wake up during a dream. That's why it may seem
to us that we seldom dream, even though we do several times every
night. It has been theorized, and I think correctly, that in our
dreams, bizarre as they may be, we symbolically reduce emotional
tensions, satisfying our unconscious conflicts. Going without
sleep for two or three days, many normal people will begin to
exhibit psychotic tendencies, such as delusions and paranoid
ideation.
Our dreams are believed to be mediated by a chemical in the
brain known as serotonin. Before entering medical school, I was a
graduate student in human physiology at Michigan State
University, spending much of my time doing research on various
effects of serotonin. Among the things I learned about this
chemical which God created to help us stay mentally healthy is
that tryptophan - which our bodies use to make serotonin - is
found in high concentrations in milk, certain fruits (bananas,
for example), and certain meats (like liver), Through
electroencephalograms I learned that babies spend about nine of
their sleeping hours dreaming. Maybe that's one reason why babies
need so much milk. I also learned that LSD is a serotonin
antagonist - interfering with the serotonin in the brains of drug
users who are foolish enough to take it. I have seen a number of
psychiatric illnesses which were precipitated by LSD, including a
sharp, B+ average college student whose roommate talked him into
taking LSD just so he would know what it was like. He had a
normal response to it, so he tried it again sometime later. But
this time it disordered his brain chemistry to such an extent
that he had to drop out of college, and several months later,
when I saw him, he was still unable to concentrate long enough to
even enjoy reading a newspaper.
In graduate school, I also learned that the average adult
needs about eight hours of sleep a night, although some can get
by on six hours, while others require ten hours. Teenagers need
about nine hours a night, elementary school children about ten,
preschoolers about twelve hours, and babies about sixteen to
eighteen hours of sleep per twenty-four hours. If an individual,
at any age, continually gets less than his require amount of
sleep, he's headed for trouble. The best way to get straight A's
in school - if that happens to be one of your ambitions - is to
study every day in a quiet room, get some exercise and
recreation, eat the right foods, stay in trune spiritually, get
some fellowship with others, memorize Bible verses for mental
exercise (and for spiritual maturity as well), and get eight
hours of sleep every night, especially the night before a big
test.
Recreation is also important. Many Christians are
overly strict on themselves. They think watching a weekend
football game, hiking in the mountains, or even playing games
with friends, is a waste of time. They are very wrong. "All work
and no play makes Jack a dull boy" applies to parents as well as
to children. If a person spent all of his time in recreation, he
would, of course, accomplish nothing for the Lord. But there
needs to be a happy balance, and God intended it that way. Christ
Himself spent a great percentage of His three-year ministry
camping out in the mountains, sometimes with His disciples
(especially Peter and John), and sometimes alone. There in the
mountains, Christ could get away from the demanding crowds,
relax, meditate, commune with the Father, enjoy the world that He
Himself had created, and share intimately with His chosen
disciples. Christ spent most of the first half of those three
years just selecting and building His disciples. That is how
Christ, who was God in the flesh, decided He would have the most
effective ministry.
I have studied the life of Christ carefully in order to plan
my own activities in accordance with Christ's teachings and the
example of His life. We can see from all this that even such
mundane things as being sure you and your children get enough
recreation, a proper diet, and adequate amounts of sleep are vi-
tally important to the development of self-worth. The kinds of
spiritual food you feed your children, of course, are even more
important than the kinds of physical food. The overall spiritual
atmosphere of the home, including family devotions, the music
played, the type of TV shows watched, the neatness and
cleanliness of the home environment, the regularity of bedtime
and meals, spiritual insights shared, scriptural plaques on the
walls, the parental attitudes - all enter into the development of
spiritual self-worth.
One extremely important area that we will discuss in some
detail at this point is how we, as parents, should handle sin in
the lives of our children. This includes some important concepts
we can pass on to our children about how they can handle
temptations in their own lives. In psychiatry, we learn that an
adult's attitudes toward God are influenced greatly by his
attitudes toward his own father while he was growing up. This
places a great deal of responsibility on those of us who are
fathers. For quite a while at Duke University I followed a
patient whose father was a dedicated cardiologist - so dedicated,
in fact, that he was away from home practically all the time
taking care of his medical practice. When he was home, he was
cold, indifferent, and tired. About the only comments my patient
ever received from his father were negative ones, correcting him
for being imperfect. My patient, a brilliant young Ph.D. now,
still went back home from time to time, wanting so badly for his
father to accept him, but he continued to receive primarily
criticism, that is, if his father was home at all. My patient
carried around tremendous guilt feelings all the time for not
being perfect. He falsely blamed himself for the lack of
acceptance by his father. Several times I shared my own personal
faith in the God of love, as well as God's offer of salvation and
forgiveness, but to no apparent avail. This patient was a devout
atheist. And I would have expected him to be, given the kind of
father image he grew up with. In general - and this is with some
exceptions, of course - my experience has been that patients
whose fathers were gone a lot, and negativistic when they were
home, or patients who had no father at all, tend to be atheists.
In their subconscious minds, they want to believe there is
no God because they resent the fact that they had no father, or
one who was nearly always absent and negativistic. Oftentimes
they would like to repress their fathers right out of their
minds. But since they can't totally repress the existence of
their earthly fathers, they fool themselves into thinking there
is no God, or heavenly Father.
Patients who had cold, passive, and frequently absent
fathers tend to believe that God is some cold, indifferent being
out in space somewhere. Their earthly fathers knew their children
existed, but were neither positive nor negative with their
children they more or less ignored them. And so these patients
believe there is a God who knows they exist, but doesn't really
care or even pay attention to mere earthlings. Patients who had
rigid, demanding, negativistic, overly punitive fathers have
tended to fall into two categories: some of these patients hated
their fathers so much that they became atheists as an unconscious
rebellion against the existence of their fathers; on the other
hand, most of them believe that there is a God, but that God is a
mean old man up there, holding a whip and just daring us to break
one of His rules so He can snap us with it! Many of the latter
group, surprisingly, are Christians. These are the Christians who
tend to migrate to legalistic, negativistic churches, where it
will be easier for them to live up to their unrealistic concept
of God's standards, based upon the standards of their earthly
fathers. These patients wanted their earthly fathers to accept
them, so they became rigidly perfectionistic in order to win
their fathers' approval, which they seldom won anyway. In the
same manner, they are afraid of God and His punishment, but they
want His acceptance and the only way they think they can get
it - deep down anyway - is by becoming rigidly perfectionistic
and denying their own natural feelings of anger and aggression.
They never really feel forgiven. They project their own anger
outward, convincing themselves that people are angry at them.
This is their usual way of lying to themselves about their own
anger. In psychiatry, this is called paranoid ideation. They
withdraw from all the people they imagine are so angry at them,
criticizing these other people excessively, to justify in their
own minds withdrawing from them. They have to believe they are
correct - probably because the real God of love is convincing
them that they are wrong - so they associate only with other
legalistic, negativistic people. Many of them join extremely
right-wing, semidelusional political organizations and
"religious" groups.
I know of thousands of Christians, whom I believe are
genuine, born-again believers, who are like ostriches with their
heads in the sand, thinking they are the only ones who are right,
or the only ones going to heaven. The pent-up anger they have
frequently causes them to become chronically depressed.
On the other hand, patients who have had a father who loved
them, accepted them in spite of imperfections, spent time with
them, and punished them when they did things that he knew were
bad for them in the long run, generally have a healthy concept of
God.
They believe in the existence of a God who loves them,
accepts them, listens to them, and disciplines them out of love.
If they haven't already put their faith in Jesus Christ, they do
so readily when I show them God's simple plan of salvation.
I have also had a group of patients whose fathers were the
overly sweet type, who pampered them, bought them whatever they
pointed at in stores, seldom contradicted them, and hardly ever
punished them. These people tend to be religious liberals who are
quite idealistic, deny the sinful nature of man, and pretend that
there is no literal hell, in spite of the fact that Christ spent
more time (as recorded in the New Testament) warning people about
the reality of hell than He did discussing heaven. In Christ's
teachings, there are nearly twice as many verses about a literal
hell as there are verses telling us about heaven. These people
are a traveling salesman's delight, because they are so naive and
believe in the basic goodness of all mankind. Sociopaths and
alcoholics will get everything they can from these people,
including room, board, and financial support for their bad
habits. To be aware of the fact that someone is being blatantly
selfish and lying to them would ruin their deluded belief in
man's basic goodness, so they use a tremendous amount of denial
to lie to themselves about such situations.
I hope those of us who are fathers, or who someday will be
fathers, will grasp the heavenly responsibility th t God has
given us. I sometimes wake up at night, and go to my children's
bedrooms. I pull their covers up to be sure they're warm, and
bend over to give them a soft kiss. Then I frequently get down on
my knees beside their beds and rededicate myself to God, to be
the kind of father He wants me to be, because I know God loves
them even more than I ever could. And I thank God for trusting me
with that responsibility.
Let's look at some more right and wrong ways to respond
to guilt, temptations, and sin in the lives of our children.
First, I want to differentiate between true guilt and false
guilt. Freud seemed to think that all guilt is false guilt - that
guilt itself is a bad thing. Most of the psychiatrists I have
studied under and worked with agreed with the Freudian view -
that guilt is always an unhealthy thing, I disagree strongly.
True guilt, in my opinion, is the uncomfortable, inner awareness
that we have violated a moral law of God. It is produced
partially by the conviction of God's Holy Spirit, and partially
by our own conscience. Our conscience is what Freud called the
super-ego. Our conscience is molded by many influences in our
environment, such as what our parents taught was right or wrong,
what our parents practiced as being right or wrong (which isn't
always the same as what they taught), what our church taught was
right or wrong, what the people in our church practiced as being
right or wrong, what our friends thought was right or wrong, what
our teachers thought was right or wrong. If we studied the Bible,
our conscience would also be molded by what the Bible says is
right or wrong, but even that is influenced by our own
interpretations and sometimes misinterpretations. No two
consciences are exactly alike. God's Holy Spirit is always right,
but our consciences are frequently wrong. Someone with an
immature conscience can do something wrong and not know that it
is wrong, in which case his conscience will not bother him. Or we
can have an overgrown conscience if we have been taught that
everything is sin, and our conscience in that case will bother us
even when we do things that God Himself does not consider wrong.
This is what I call false guilt: feeling guilty for something
that God and His Word in no way condemn.
On the other hand, true guilt is valuable. God uses it to
influence us to change our minds about what we are doing. That's
what repentance is all about. Then when we do what is right,
instead of what is wrong, we will be in fellowship with God, and
we will like ourselves more too. Doing what is wrong lowers our
self-worth. Doing what is right greatly improves our self-worth.
In my experience as a psychiatrist, when people come to me
and tell me they feel guilty, it has usually been true guilt.
They feel guilty because they are guilty. And straightening out
what they were doing that is wrong sometimes is all that is
needed to straighten out their feelings of depression. But I have
also had many Christians come to me, especially from the
legalistic churches, to express feelings of guilt for things that
the Bible in no way condemns.
They may feel guilty for being tempted, for example. It's no
sin to be tempted. But it is a sin to dwell on that temptation
and yield to it. Christ Himself was tempted - "For we have not an
high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our
infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet
without sin" (Heb.4:15).
The Apostle Paul talked about Christians who believed it a
sin to eat meat that had been offered to idols (see I Cor.8).
Back in Paul's day, the people would bring sacrifices to the
pagan temples. Then the priests would cut up the meat and sell it
to earn some spending money. They would sell this meat at a
discount, compared to meat prices at the nearby butcher store. In
some towns Paul preached in, the Christians thought it was
immoral to buy that meat, since it had been offered to idols. I
can see why they would think that, and I admire them for wanting
to do what they thought was right. Christians in other towns
thought it was perfectly fine to buy meat that had been offered
to idols. It was much cheaper, and they could invest their money
in better wags than to waste it on the expensive meat at the
butcher shop. The Apostle Paul said that God Himself had revealed
to him that eating meat that had been offered to idols was all
right. God old him there was nothing immoral about it in His
eyes. But He told Paul not to show off his liberty in front of
Christians with weaker consciences (weaker in the sense of being
more easily offended), so whenever Paul was in a town where
Christians thought it was wrong, he wouldn't eat meat which had
been offered to idols. That was diplomacy, not hypocrisy, and I'm
sure Paul did it out of love and empathy. He had more important
things to teach them, and he didn't want to hurt his testimony.
That would diminish his effectiveness. He knew that when people
make up their minds something is wrong, not even a direct message
from God can change their minds!
Paul Tournier, the Christian psychiatrist from Switzerland, calls
true guilt "value guilt," and he calls false guilt, "functional
guilt." Tournier says:
A feeling of "functional guilt" is one which results from
social suggestion, fear of taboos or of losing the love of
others. A feeling of "value guilt" is the genuine
consciousness of having betrayed an authentic standard; it
is a free judgment of the self by the self. On this
assumption, there is a complete opposition between these two
guilt-producing mechanisms, the one acting by social
suggestion, the other by moral conviction...... "False
guilt" is that which comes as a result of the judgments and
suggestions of men. "True guilt" is that which results from
divine judgment.... Therefore real guilt is often something
quite different from that which constantly weights us down,
because of our fear of social judgment and the disapproval
of men. We become independent of them in proportion as we
depend on God .
Dr. O. Quentin Hyder states that:
The causes of false guilt stem back to childhood upbringing.
Too rigid a superego or conscience can only be developed by
too rigid expectations or standards imposed by parents. For
example, parents who excessively blame, condemn, judge, and
accuse their children when they fail to match up to their
expectations cause them to grow up with a warped idea of
what appropriate standards are. Unforgiving parents who pun-
ish excessively increase guilt.
Adequate and proper punishment given in love and with
explanation removes guilt. Some parents give too little
encouragement, praise, thanks, congratulations, or appreciation.
Instead they are never satisfied. However well the child performs
in any area of school, play, sports, or social behavior, the
parents make him feel they are dissatisfied because he did
not do even better. The child sees himself as a constant
failure, and he is made to feel guilty because he failed. He
does not realize at his young age what harm his parents are
doing to his future feelings of self-worth. He grows up
convinced that anything short of perfection is failure.
However hard he tries, and even if he actually performs to
the maximum that he is capable of, he grows up feeling
guilty and inferior.
As an adult he suffers from neurotic or false guilt, low
self esteem, insecurity, and a self-depreciatmy pessimistic
outlook on all his endeavors and ambitions. He then blames
himself and this leads to anger turned inward. He attempts
to inflict punishment upon himself because of his feelings
of unworthiness. His failures deserve to be judged and pun-
ished, and since no one else can do it for him, he punishes
himself. This intropunitive retribution, part anger and part
hostility, leads inevitably to depression. It can also cause
psychosomatic complaints and inappropriate sorts of actions.
Dr.Hyder says the only treatment for false guilt is
understanding it and evaluating it for what it really is.
Feelings of bitterness and pride need to be separated from what
the patient interprets as feelings of guilt. The patient needs to
understand that he has no right to condemn himself - only God has
that right, and Christians should leave judging and condemning to
God alone. Then he needs to set new goals for himself that are
realistically attainable, and no longer compare himself to others
who are more gifted than he is in specific areas. Instead, he
should compare his performance with what he believes God expects
of him. God doesn't expect us or our children to achieve sinless
perfection in this life. But He does want us to seek His will in
our lives to the best of our abilities.
The Apostle Paul compares entering the Christian life to
entering the Sabbath Day rest (see Heb.4:1-9). God wants us to
rest in Him, and in His power. Martin Luther struggled for years
with the legalistic expectations of his religion, until he
learned that "the just shall live by faith" (Rom.1:17), and that
"man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law" (Rom.
3:28). Then he trusted God's grace rather than his own good works
to save him. In 1529, Luther penned the famous hymn, "A Mighty
Fortress Is Our God." In this hymn, Luther expresses his
appreciation of the fact that our God is an all-powerful God and
that we should let Him win our battles for us, resting in His
power rather than our own. In the second verse of that hymn,
Luther refers to God by the Old Testament name, Lord Sabaoth,
which in Hebrew means "Lord of Hosts," and refers to God's
omnipotence. Let's take a look at that second verse:
Did we in our own strength confide, Our striving would be
losing; Were not the right Man on our side, The Man of God's
own choosing. Dust ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is
He; Lord Sabbath His Name,
From age to age the same, And HE must win the battle.
We have already discussed the notion some Christians have
that God is a mean old man, holding a whip, who is just waiting
to crack us with that whip whenever we break one of His rigid
rules. But the God of the Bible is not like that at all. God is
perfect love, and perfect justice. God didn't make rules so He
could whip us when we break one. God gave us principles to live
by so we can enjoy the abundant life and the fruits of the
Spirit. God has set up natural laws for human nature just as for
physical nature. If we do not abide by God's principles, we will
suffer the natural consequences He has established. Sin is the
transgression of those laws or principles which God has set up
(see I John 3:4). All of us have sinned many times. Paul tells us
that "all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Rom.
8:28). He tells us that the ultimate reward for those sins is
eternal death in hell, but that in perfect love and grace, God
offers us the free gift of eternal life and forgiveness for all
of our sins - past, present, and future (see John 1:12; 8:16;
Rom. 6:28; 10:18; Eph.2:8-9).
When a person becomes a Christian, he is a new creation.
Paul tells us that "if any man be in Christ, hee is a new
creature:
old things are passed away; behold, all things are became
new" (2 Cor.5:17).
But this does not mean he has reached sinless perfection.
Far from it. Sanctification, which is the process of gradually
becoming more and more like Christ, now takes place in the
growing Christians life. Just as a newborn babe needs milk,
the newly reborn spiritual babe - the new Christian - needs a lot
of spiritual milk. The Apostle Peter said, "As newborn babes,
desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby" (I
Peter 2:2). The "word" means God's Word, of course - the Bible.
Daily devotions are a must for continued growth in spiritual and
emotional maturity. I began reading my Bible every day when I was
ten years old. There's no reason why our own children can't start
even sooner. We began using an illustrated Bible story book for
our oldest son when he was two years old, and when he turned
four, my wife started to teach him short Bible verses. Recall the
time Christ's disciples were getting ready to chase some children
away so He wouldn't have to bother with them, but Christ told His
disciples, "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and
forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God" (Mark 10:14).
Then Christ explained to His disciples that even adults have
to accept Him with the simple faith of a little child in order to
become a part of God's kingdom. Thus, we can be assured that God
desires to be in communion with our children, and that their
meditations on God and His Word will help them overcome
temptations. Devotions are especially important during those four
traumatic years between twelve and sixteen, when your sons and
daughters grow from being boys and girls into men and women, with
all the associated hormone changes, impulses, cravings, and
feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
The Apostle Paul said, "There hath no temptation taken you
but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not
suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with
the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to
bear it" (I Cor.10:13. This verse was a tremendous help to me
when I memorized it as a young teenager, and it continues to be.
Pan also said, "And my God shall supply all your needs according
to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Phil.4:19, NASV). The
human body, soul, and spirit have a multitude of needs. Satan
will usually tempt us through our natural physical and emotional
needs. These needs include the need for air, food, water,
stimulation, sex, love, self-worth, power, aggression, comfort,
security, and relief from psychic tensions. Many Christians have
been erroneously taught that living the Christian life means
totally denying many of these natural needs. The Christian may be
called upon by God to deny some of his wants, but God has already
promised to supply all of our needs. There's a difference. No
wonder so many people are afraid to become Christians. They have
been told that becoming a Christian means denying many natural
needs. What foolishness! God created these needs within us. He
can use all of the needs in our lives for His own glory. He
promised us in Philippians 4:19 that He would supply all our
needs, not deny them. But He wants to supply them in His way, and
according to His principles of love. Satan wants to supply these
same needs in his way, according to his principles of
selfishness, greed, and hate. Our needs are not temptations.
Satan's ways of meeting them are the temptations. Our natural
human tendency is to meet our needs in Satan's ways. It takes the
New Birth (technically it's not a birth, it's a begettal, or
converted from the old natural human way to the spiritual and
holy way of God through His Holy Spirit - Keith Hunt) and
spiritual insights to see how we can meet these natural needs in
God's ways, with much greater ultimate joy and satisfaction.
Take the need for sex, for instance. God made sex and God
made the need for sex. God made the male and female sex hormones
that influence our sexual drives. In males, they reach their peak
in the late teens. In females, they don't reach their peak until
the early thirties (I doubt the latter to be correct - Keith
Hunt) I don't know why God made it that way, but I'm sure He had
a reason. I imagine the temptations during the late teenage years
would be much greater than they already are if male and female
reached their peaks at the same time (I believe the very clear
facts today are that BOTH male and female a have pretty active
peak of sex hormones by their late teens - Keith Hunt). But God
has provided a way to satisfy those sexual needs - through an
intimate marriage. (And in the Jewish world of Christ's time,
most females and males were married by their late teens, that is
just one of the facts of Jewish recorded history - Keith Hunt).
God has also provided ways to relieve sexual tensions in
single males, such as "wet dreams" during sleep at night. That
serotonin really works overtime during the teenage years! I'm
sure that God uses these unconscious dreams in disguised symbolic
language to release sexual tensions in a way that will not
produce guilt feelings in the individual. I personally do not
recommend masturbation. The Bible never mentions it specifically,
but does warn us to "abstain from fleshly lusts, which war
against the soul" (I Peter 2:11). Teenage patients who talk to me
about masturbation almost always express guilt feelings about it,
and their guilt is usually about their thoughts rather than the
action itself. I usually inform them that my medical books say
that 99 percent of males masturbate and that the other 1 percent
are usually lying about it. Then I tell them my personal opinion,
that they would probably feel less guilt if they would stop and
allow God to relieve their sexual tensions through wet dreams.
Many of them are relieved to find out that they are not the only
ones who have ever done this, or that it is not the unpardonable
sin. I let them know that some godly men think there is nothing
wrong with it, but that my own opinion is that it stirs up
fleshly lusts which war against the soul. I highly recommend that
you fathers discuss this topic privately with your teenage sons,
and you mothers with your daughters, since 60 percent of females
practice it regularly also. I recommend that you approach it
matter-of-factly, with an accepting attitude. You would probably
be surprised how much things like this plague teenagers as well
as adults.
Frequent social contacts with spiritually mature members of
the opposite sex are also a healthy outlet. I personally will
never allow my sons or daughters to date anyone who is not a
growing Christian. When they are eighteen years old and go off to
college, they'll be on their own. But until then, they'll have my
conscience to live with as well as their own. But Christian
dating meets the sexual needs of their spirit and soul. I usually
recommend group dating at age fourteen, double dating at age
fifteen, and single dating at age sixteen, for teenagers of
average maturity. Allowing your teenagers to date ahead of this
schedule will usually subject them to more temptations than they
are able to handle. Their bodies mature more quickly than their
emotional levels. Those Christians who say that our sexual
needs - spiritual, emotional, or physical - are dirty or sinful
are saying that God made a mistake in creating them within us. In
fact, a portion of our brain (known as the limbic brain) was
specifically designed by God to handle, among other things, the
sexual drives in our life.
The conclusion of this discussion about temptations is that
we should not deny our natural needs. Nor should we meet them in
Satan's ways. Either of these methods of dealing with our needs
would only serve to create even more intense temptations. We
should meet all our needs in God's ways, including our sexual
needs, and thus take away Satan's power to tempt us. The
Christian life will be much easier if our needs are being met.
God wants them to be. If there are no unsatisfied needs, there
will be no temptations. So teach these concepts to your children,
and tell them that the next time they are tempted, they should
stop to think about which of their needs they have not been
meeting lately. Then recommend that they ask God to help them to
meet that need in a way that will be pleasing to Him rather than
Satan. This will do tremendous things for their self-worth. It
will relieve a lot of guilt. It will also constantly remind them
that God loves them and is concerned about their everyday needs.
And your accepting attitude will show them, at least on a
subconscious level, that God is also quite understanding and
accepting of the struggles and temptations they go through.
Self-worth comes from doing what we know is right, and not
doing those things that we believe are wrong. When we do things
that we know are selfish and sinful, we lose self-worth. There's
no way around it. And emotional problems are sure to follow as
our self-worth continues to depreciate in value. Its bad enough
to have our money depreciate. So let's invest in something that
can appreciate in value - our own selfworth and the self-worth of
our children. God admonishes us, "Cast not away therefore your
confidence, which hath great recompence of reward" (Heb.10:35).
If our children choose Satan's ways to meet their needs,
they will be casting away their confidence in their own good
character. Encourage them rather to enter the "Sabbath Rest"
described in Hebrews and simply to turn their lives over to God,
relying on His power to help them live by His principles, so they
can develop His way of thinking and thoroughly enjoy the abundant
life.
Even the vast complexity of our human bodies teaches us that
we are of great worth to the God who created us for His glory. In
an average day, the average human being will breathe over 28,000
times, inhaling about 436 cubic feet of air. His heart will beat
over 100,000 times and will pump over 250 pounds of blood per
hour. He will use over 450 major muscles and 9 billion brain
cells. His blood cells will travel thousands of miles. His body
is made up of about 60 trillion cells. Dividing them up, he could
give 15,000 cells to each man, woman, and child on the planet
earth. And each cell contains thousands of enzymes, ribosomes,
golgi apparatuses, endoplasmic reticula, DNA, RNA, and hundreds
of other minute structures that all work together like a complete
factory. The average human has about 20 billion brain cells and
nerve cells, and they are arranged with millions of
interconnections like a very complex computer. Scientists have
estimated that to build a computer with the capabilities and
circuitry of the human brain, they would need a building the size
of the Pentagon to house it. Surely we are fearfully and
wonderfully made, as the Bible tells us (see Ps.139:14). [of
course today the building needed would not be anywhere the size
of the Pentagon, such is modern technology in 2007 which did not
exist 30 years ago when Dr. Meier wrote this book - Keith Hunt]
If the blood cells of an average human were lined up in
single file, they would reach all the way to the moon and halfway
back.
Christ tells us that a sparrow doesn't fall to the ground
without the Father knowing about it - and we are much more important
than those sparrows - so much so that even the hairs of our head are
numbered (see Matt.10:29-33). God said of man, "For I have
created him for My glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made
him" (Isa.43:7). If any of you ever start believing Satan's lie
that you are inferior, or if your children ever express to you
the feeling that they are inferior, just turn to Psalm 139. Psalm
139 is God's prescription for feelings of inferiority.
I want to conclude this section on how to develop self-worth
in your children by again quoting portions of that psalm,
O LORD, YOU have examined my heart and know everything about
me. You know when I sit or stand. When far away you know my
every thought. You chart the path ahead of me, and tell me
where to stop and rest. Every moment, you know where I am.
You know what I am going to say before I even say it. You
both precede and follow me, and place your hand of blessing
on my head. This is too glorious, too wonderful to believe!
I can never be lost to your Spirit! I can never get away
from my Godl If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go
down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the
morning winds to the farthest oceans, even there your hand
will guide me, your strength will support me. If I try to
hide in the darkness, the night becomes light around me. For
even darkness cannot hide from God; to you the night shines
as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit
them together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me
so wonderfully complex! It is amazing to think about. Your
workmanship is marvelous - and how well I know it. You were
there while I was being formed in utter seclusion! You saw
me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life
before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your
Book! How precious it is, Lord to realize that you are
thinking about me comtantlyl I can't even count how many
times a day your thoughts turn towards me. And when I waken
in the morning, you are still thinking of mel
.. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test my thoughts.
Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and
lead me along the path of everlasting life.
- Psalm 189:1-18, 28-24, LB
.................
To be continued with "From Conception to Age Six: General
Principles"
Christian Childrearing #4
Conception to Age Six
We continue with Paul Meier,M.D. book "Christian Child-Rearing
and Personality Development."
THOSE FIRST SIX YEARS
Many psychiatrists estimate on the basis of their studies
that approximately 85 percent of the adult personality is already
formed by the time the individual is six years old. Imagine that!
A brand new baby, born in America today, will probably live to be
seventy-five years old, and with new scientific discoveries, that
may end up being extended to eighty-five or ninety. But how that
baby's parents train him or her during those crucial first six
years will determine how that individual will enjoy and succeed
in life during the other seventy or eighty years. God has given
us parents a tremendous responsibility! Dr. Gary Collins,
Professor of Pastoral Psychology and Counselling at Trinity
Evangelical Seminary, states:
Developmental psychologists have conducted literally
thousands of studies, and the results of these
investigations have substantially increased our knowledge
and understanding of the nature of childhood. A survey of
some of these psychological conclusions could be of value to
church leaders and Christian parents as they seek to "vain
up a child in the way he should go" (Proverbs 22:6).1
The Communist Party and the Roman Catholic Church have
emphasized the importance of those early years. I believe that
those of us in the evangelical community must also be aware of
the
[1. Gary Collins, "Man in Transition," p.82.]
important responsibility God has given those of us who have
children, especially if they are under six years of age.
God's concern for children is quite evident throughout
Scripture. Mark records, "And they brought young children to him,
that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that
brought them" (Mark 10:13). The disciples obviously thought
Christ was too busy talking to adults to waste His time with
children. They must have thought that "children should be seen
and not heard." Mark goes on to record that "when Jesus saw it,
he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little
children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the
kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not
receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter
therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon
them, and blessed them" (Mark 10:14-16). God's concern for
children was also made evident by Matthew:
At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who
is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a
little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and
said, Verily I say unto you. Except ye be converted, and
become as little children, ye shall not enter into the
kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself
as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of
heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my
name receiveth me. But who,, shall offend one of these
little one, which believe in me, it were better for him that
a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were
drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because
of offences! - Matt.18:1-7
I would like to share with you one more warning God has
given us about children. It is a warning that changed my whole
outlook on the vast importance of child-rearing. It is a warning
that has given me more determination as I carry on my work in
family psychotherapy as a Christian psychiatrist. It is also a
warning that was influential in stirring up my desire to practice
some preventative psychiatry, especially among my fellow
Christians. That crucial warning front God is worded as follows:
"For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the
iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and fourth
generations of those who hate me, but showing lovingkindness to
thousands of those who love me and keep my commandment" (Exod.
20:5-6).
This passage troubled me when I first read it. I knew that
the Bible is without error, and yet I simply could not understand
how a loving God would punish three or four generations of chil-
dren for the sins of their parents. It didn't seem consistent
with those passages about Christ's love for children as recorded
in the Gospels. But when I went into psychiatry and extensively
studied about healthy and unhealthy parent-child relationships,
and saw scores of mentally disturbed children and had to deal
with their parents and grandparents, the meaning of this passage
became quite obvious to me. It simply means that if we, as
parents, live sinful lives-meaning lives that are not in accord
with the health producing principles of God's Word - there will
be a profound effect upon our children, and our children's
children, to three or four generations. God is not punishing our
offspring for our sins, we are-by not living according to His
precepts.
In my review of the scientific literature on parent-child
relationships, and from my own experiences as a psychiatrist, I
have learned a great deal about which types of families produce
which types of mental illness in their children. During one full
year of research at Duke University, I also uncovered much
information on which types of religious backgrounds produce which
types of mental illness, and which types of religious experiences
produce good mental health. I think the best way I can
effectively share these findings with you, without using
psychiatric jargon and terminology, is to tell you how to produce
various types of mental illness in your children. It will be a
novel, more enjoyable way of learning some important principles.
I'll be teaching you how to produce various types of mental
illness in your children so you will know what not to do if you
want them to be emotionally and mentally healthy. I will share
with you some easy steps for producing ten common types of mental
illness or personality disorder. I will then discuss some of the
most recent psychiatric findings on emotionally healthy families
as well.
Before I begin, however, I want it understood that there are
exceptions to every rule. Some children have been brought up
under the most adverse circumstances, only to attain greatness as
adults. Others have been reared in relatively normal Christian
homes, but developed manic-depression, schizophrenia, or some
other mental illness because of a strong inherited predisposition
or some other transparent factors. The human brain, with its 20
billion cells, complicated biochemistry, interconnecting
circuits, and electrical activity, is far too complex for us to
be overly simplistic in our approach to mental illness. But at
the same time, there are definite trends that have been observed
over and over again in the families of various types of mentally
disturbed children. God wants us to know the truth. The Bible is
absolute truth. But God didn't print the entire body of truth in
the Scriptures. If He had, our Bibles would be bigger than ocean
liners, and it would be quite difficult to carry them around!
They would also be quite expensive! So I think God would have us,
as Christians, take a sceptical but open-minded look at the truth
man learns from scientific investigations. If we do, we will have
a definite advantage over non-Christians, who know many
scientific facts but don't have the absolute standard of
authority we have in the Scriptures. With these warnings, I will
now proceed to share with you some of these definite trends.
How to Develop
Emotionally Disturbed Children
A. Ten easy steps for developing your normal, healthy baby into a
drug addict or alcoholic.
These steps are the same for both drug addiction and
alcoholism, since a majority of cases of both drug addiction and
alcoholism stem from the same type of personality disorder.
l. Spoil him; give him everything lie wants if you can afford it.
2. When he does wrong, you may nag him, but never spank him
(unless he is showing signs of independence).
3. Foster his dependence on you, so drugs or alcohol can replace
you when he is older.
4. Protect him from your husband and from all those mean teachers
who threaten to spank him from time to time. Sue them if you
wish.
5. Make all of his decisions for him, since you are a lot older
and wiser than he is. He might make mistakes and learn from them
if you don't.
6. Criticize his father openly, so your son can lose his own
self-respect and confidence.
7. Always bail him out of trouble so he will like you. Besides,
he might harm your reputation if he gets a police record. Never
let him suffer the consequences of his own behavior.
8. Always step in and solve his problems for him, so he can
depend on you and run to you when the going gets tough. Then when
he is older and still hasn't learned how to solve his own
problems, he can continue to run from them through heroin or
alcohol.
9. Just to play it safe, be sure to dominate your husband and
drive him to drink too, if you can.
10. Take lots of prescription drugs yourself, so that taking non-
prescription drugs won't be a major step for him.
In my opinion - as a psychiatrist who has worked with scores
of drug addicts and alcoholics-drug addiction and alcoholism are
not "drug" or "alcohol" problems, as they are frequently
mislabelled. And they are not an inherited disorder, even though
in some cases there are some inherited tendencies. They are a
choice, and this choice is usually made by people with severe
dependent personality disorders. They generally come from
families where there were a weak fattier and an over-controlling
mother who spoiled them excessively. A disproportionate
percentage of the alcoholics and drug addicts I have worked with
have been the youngest or only boy in the family, a factor which
gave their mothers added temptations to spoil them. Many times,
they were the only alcoholic or drug addict in an otherwise
normal family, and considered themselves the black sheep of the
family.
The only cures I have seen have come about when the addict
himself has chosen to mature and work on his dependency problem,
preferably switching his dependency to God instead of alcohol or
drugs. When I work with them, I never mention drugs or alcohol,
and I refuse to listen to their stories about drugs or alcohol.
This would only encourage them to continue their habits, so they
could brag about them. I also refuse to become their "mother."
Most of them try very hard to get me to do things for them that
they ought to be doing for themselves. Then they try to make me
feel guilty when I refuse to do these favors for them. The best
way for me to show them genuine Christian love is to be
indifferent as to whether or not they like me, then to proceed to
do the things that I know will have the most beneficial effects
on them in the long run. Don't give them money. You'll just be
supporting their habit. Don't help them get out of trouble with
the law. They need desperately to suffer the consequences of
their behavior, since they never did when they were growing up.
The best thing you can do for them is to help them to become
aware of their severe dependent personality disorder and
encourage them to go out of their way to do things for
themselves. I think the ideal treatment for an alcoholic or drug
addict would be to send him out into a jungle somewhere for a
month or two with a Bible, a compass, and a jackknife, and nobody
around for several hundred miles-especially his mother. This
would produce independence, maturity, and increased
self-confidence, and I'm sure would cure many of them. The U.S.
government spends billions of dollars treating alcoholics in V.A.
hospitals, but about 95 percent never choose to quit drinking.
The hospital merely becomes a mother-substitute where they can
dry out and avoid responsibilities. The cure-rate for drug
addicts is even lower. 1 have never cured an addict, and I never
will. But some of the addicts I have worked with have matured and
decided to cure themselves-with God's help.
I never treat an alcoholic without treating his wife as
well. The reason for this is that when alcoholics are cured and
become responsible husbands and fathers, many of their wives have
nervous breakdowns. The wives are nearly always remarkably like
the alcoholic's mother-domineering, perfectionistic, and
masochistic. So the wives need help accepting their new role as
subservient wife instead of substitute-mother. Without such help
many of these wives would divorce their cured husbands and marry
another practicing alcoholic.
B. How to develop your normal child into a homosexual.
1. Start out by using the ten easy steps followed by the
alcoholic's mother, but this won't be enough.
2. Show your love for your son by protecting him very carefully.
Don't let him play football or baseball with the other boys - he
might get hurt! Don't let him be a newspaper boy or patrol boy;
he might catch pneumonia out in the bad weather.
3. Be sure he spends lots of time with you and very little with
his father (or any other adult males).
4. Teach him to sew and cook, and how to knit too. After all,
sexist attitudes about chores are out of dam nowadays. 2
5. Walk him to and from school so none of the bullies will beat
little Johnny up.
6. Let him play consistently with the little neighborhood girls
or his sisters and their friends. There just aren't any boys his
age in the neighborhood that you would want him to play with.
7. Joke with him about the feminine name you gave him, and tell
what a cute girl he would have been. Tell him that you really had
wanted a girl and dressed him in his big sister's clothes when he
was little. That was, when he reaches puberty and his
contemporaries start falling in love with the opposite sex, he
can too - with boys, since he thinks of himself basically as a
girls.
If your baby is a girl, just follow the same principles in
reverse: call her Jack, never make her wear a dress, and don't
spend much time with her, since she prefers playing football with
her father anyway. Homosexuality is on the rise in today's
society. And with the Women's Liberation Movement, more and more
weak men are feeling threatened by women and choosing homosexual
rather than heterosexual relationships. The practice of
homosexuality, just like drug addiction or alcoholism, is a
choice, not an inherited disorder. And it is a sinful choice at
that. God inspired Moses to write specific commandments about
homosexuality, labelling it a sin and calling on the Jewish
community to kill anyone caught practicing homosexual acts (see
Lev.18:22; 20:13). Even men dressing as women and women dressing
as men are declared to be acting contrary to the will of God (see
Dent.22:5).
[2. Actually, it is fine for our sons to share in any chores.
even feminine chores, from time to time. However, many of the
homosexual males I have treated grew up in homes where they did
feminine chores almost exclusively, while their brothers did the
chores most Americans would consider masculine. Their mothers
wanted a girl, so they created these boys like girls in many
ways, including giving them primarily feminine chores.]
God's attitudes toward homosexual acts are recorded in the
New Testament as well. Paul writes:
For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God, or
give thanks; but they became futile in their speculations, and
their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they
became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God
for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and
four-footed animals and trawling creatures. Therefore God gave
them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, that their
bodies might be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the
truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served the creature
[secular humanitarianism] rather than the Creator, who is blessed
forever. Amen. For this reason, God gave them over to degrading
passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that
which is unnatural [lesbianism], and in the same way also the men
abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their
desire towards one another, men with men committing indecent acts
and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error
[homosexuality]. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge
God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do
those things which are not proper, being filled with all unright-
eousness, wickedness, greed, malice; full of envy, murder,
strife, deceit, malice [the desire to hurt others or get even];
they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant,
boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, without
understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; and, although
they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such
things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also
give hearty approval to those who practice them. - Rom. 1:21-82,
NASV
I have yet to see any psychiatry book that describes
homosexuality in such a unique way.
Paul also records, "Do not be deceived; neither fornicators,
nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor
swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God" (I Cor.6:9-10,
NASV). Here God makes it quite plain that even being an
effeminate boy is a sin in His sight. Boys become effeminate when
they grow up identifying with their mothers instead of with their
fathers. At Duke University I had a teenage male patient who was
a Christian, but was struggling against strong desires to commit
homosexual acts.
When taking his psychiatric history, I noted that his
father, also a Christian, spent most of his free time playing
with his older son, leaving the younger boy home with his mother.
When my patient got to elementary school, he said he found
himself naturally wanting to play with the girls instead of with
the boys. When he turned thirteen and entered puberty, he started
to have crushes on boys, as did the girls with whom he played,
and to imagine homosexual acts with the boys he liked. His older
brother turned out normal. Fortunately, this boy is doing things
for himself to become more masculine and to change his way of
thinking, and is not allowing himself to commit such acts or even
to dwell on them in his mind. I'm sure he will marry some day,
raise a family, and live a relatively normal life-maybe even an
exceptional Christian life, but he will always carry around some
scars.
Paul taught his spiritual son, Timothy:
But we know that the Law is good, if one uses it lawfully,
realizing the fact that law is not made for a righteous man,
but for those who are lawless and rebellious, for the
ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those
who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers and immoral
men and homosexuals and kidnappers and liars and perjurers,
and whatever else is contrary to sound teaching. -
1 Tim.1:8.10, NASV
Homosexuality was rampant in the cities of Sodom and
Gomorrah. Lot had to bar the doors of his house to keep the
homosexuals from raping his male visitors. The Book of Jude
refers to this:
And the angels that did not keep their own position but left
their proper dwelling have been kept by him in eternal
chains in the nether gloom until the judgment of the great
day; just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities,
which likewise acted immorally and indulged in unnatural
lust, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of
eternal fire. - Jude 6-7, NASV
The United States is rapidly becoming more and more like
Sodom and Gomorrah, and I believe some portions of our major
cities already are like Sodom and Gomorrah. And the liberals are
running around telling everybody that its all right. I know a
godly man who recently served on a steering committee for one of
the largest denominations in America. He had to debate some of
his more liberal religious peers who argued that their denomi-
nation should accept homosexuality as a normal practice and not a
sin. Fortunately (and with God's help, I'm sure) , the liberals
were defeated this time. Moreover, many liberal psychiatrists are
asserting that homosexuality should no longer be considered
abnormal, although a majority of psychiatrists are probably still
against such a motion. But I think the day is coming when both
religious denominations and psychiatry will accept homosexuality
as normal and not a sin; and I would guess that the religious
groups will probably beat psychiatry to it, since psychiatrists
understand in greater depth the many other developmental
deviations that have occurred in the homosexuals they have had as
patients. I may be wrong about who will win this race, however.
When Christians feel homosexual temptations, and some do,
they should resist (just as they would resist the temptation to
other sins). The temptation itself is not a sin, but dwelling on
it or yielding to it is. And in spite of the temptation they can
choose to be heterosexuals and to practice heterosexuality
rather than to practice homosexuality. Every human being has both
male and female sex hormones. Accordingly, homosexuality might be
more of a temptation physiologically for those people who have a
nearly even balance of those hormones. At any rate it will be
more of a temptation for those who have not had a strong parent
of the same sex to identify with, especially during the first six
to ten years of life.
C. How to develop your normal child into a sociopathic criminal.
1. As usual, start with the ten easy steps the alcoholic's mother
uses, with the following exceptions and additions:
2. Never spank your child. Physical punishment is a thing of the
past. In fact, spanking is now considered immoral and is even
against the law in Sweden (which just happens to have the highest
teenage suicide rate in the entire world).4
3. Let your child express himself any way he feels like it. Hell
learn foam your example how to behave-he doesn't need any
discipline.
[4. Sweden, once a Christian stronghold and now a
twentieth-century model of permissiveness, is the only nation in
the world that I know of where Christians have to spank their
children in the privacy of their homes for fear that their
neighbors will turn them in to the police.]
4. Don't run his life; let him run yours. Let him manipulate you
and play on your guilt if be doesn't get his own way.
5. Don't enforce the household rules-if there are any. That way
he'll be able to choose which laws of society he will break when
lie is older, and lie won't fear the consequences, since he has
never suffered any.
6. Don't bother him with chores. Do all of his chores for him.
Then he can be irresponsible when he is older and always blame
others when his responsibilities don't get done right.
7. Be sure to give in when lie throws a temper tantrum. He might
hit you if you don't. Don't ever cross him when he is angry.
8. It will help if you choose to believe his lies. You may even
want to tell a few yourself. Cheat on your income taxes too.
9. Criticize others openly and routinely so he will realize that
lie is better than everyone else. Don't let him associate with
those overly religious Jones kids-he's too good for them.
10. Give him a big allowance and don't make him do anything for
it. He may get the idea that he'll have to work for a living
later on if you make him work for it. If he does do anything
worthwhile around the house, be sure to pay him richly for each
and every good deed. You wouldn't want him to think that a
feeling of responsibility is its own reward .5
Most of the sociopaths I have worked with-and I have worked
either directly or indirectly with hundreds of them-have come
from this type of home background. The first patient that comes
to my mind is a teenage boy whose mother followed every one of
these steps all his life. His parents both taught at a small
Christian college, where the boy's father was dean of men. I
remember the boy as being outstandingly handsome. This may have
been a contributing factor, since teachers, relatives, and
parents tend to especially spoil good-looking children. The
mother brought the boy to me because lie was getting into so much
trouble with the law, and she was running out of ways to bail him
out. She probably thought that if I had a few sessions with him,
I would write a
[5. For many extensive case studies of sociopaths, see H. M.
Cleckley, "Mask of Sanity"]
letter to the judge asking that he not suffer the consequences of
his illegal acts. Well, she brought him to the wrong psychiatrist
for that! She told me how she had tucked him in when he went to
bed a couple nights before. As she was leaving the room, he said
to her, "I didn't give you permission to leave the room, did I"
So she apologized to him and sat beside him until he gave her
permission to leave. Actually he never did give her permission
-she stealthily left when he finally fell asleep at 4 a.m. Almost
any child would turn out sociopathic with that kind of mother.
His father, the dean, was weak-kneed and apologetic, saying
strong things occasionally, and threatening the boy
occasionally,. but never following through. I recommended to the
mother and father that they set definite limits, discipline the
boy every single time he broke one of the limits without
listening to any of his excuses, give him a few chores, let him
earn his own spending money, and let him suffer the consequences
of any of society's laws that he chose to break. I told them that
if they couldn't do this, they should transfer the boy to a youth
home or foster home where someone would do this, for the boy's
sake; and 1 told them that I would make these recommendations to
the judge if he wanted my psychiatric opinion (which is the usual
case). I told them that if this program were not enforced
immediately, I saw no hope for the boy other than spending most
of his life in prison. The boy's parents then thanked me
politely, told me they would do this, set up another appointment
with me, and never returned. I have a good notion as to where
that boy is today. His parents loved themselves too much to do
what was right for their son, because doing what was right would
make him angry at them, and they weren't willing to tolerate his
anger.
Another comment I would like to make is that although most
of the sociopaths I have worked with come from this type of home,
many sociopaths come from homes where they were severely beaten
over and over, frequently by alcoholic fathers or by mothers
prone to child abuse. These children look down on their parents
and become so bitter toward them that they transfer these
feelings to society in general, hating society and thinking
themselves to be better than society, with a strong desire to
"get even." Some psychiatrists have reviewed prison records and
found this to be quite common. So either extreme is harmful to
the healthy development of a child. Another finding is that
sociopaths have a higher incidence of alcoholism and
homosexuality .6 This is easy to understand since in most cases
sociopaths are reared by parents similar to those of alcoholics
and homosexuals.
D. How to develop your normal child into a hysterical daughter.
In reviewing all the cases I have had as a psychiatrist,
approximately 25 percent have been hysterical females, meaning
that they either had a hysterical personality disorder or a
hysterical neurosis, the two of which are related. I have also
had a few hysterical males, although this particular type of
disorder is more common in females. Here are twelve easy steps
for producing one:
1. Use the same ten easy steps the alcoholic's mother used, point
by point; but in addition, do the following:
2. Spoil her; always let her get her way, especially if she pouts
or cries.
3. Marry an immature husband and never meet his natural sexual
needs. For warmth and affection lie will become very close (too
close, in fact) to his daughter instead.
4. Lie to yourself a lot, so she can learn to use the technique
of denial for herself.
5. Always praise her for her looks, never for her character. Put
a mirror on every wall, so she can continually admire herself.
(This is one of the most important rules for producing hysteria.)
6. Whenever she runs away-and she'll probably do this frequently
- be sure to run after her and apologize for not letting her have
her own way in the first place.
7. Whenever she pretends to be sad and feigns a suicide attempt
by swallowing a couple dozen aspirins or sleeping pills, be sure
to save her dramatically and show her how guilty you feel for not
letting her have her own way in the first place. This will be
easy, since she will never overdose unless you or her boyfriend
is nearby to rescue her. (Note: In the United States, less than
one out of every twenty suicide attempts by females
[6. In "Psychiatry," a standard textbook, Merrill T. Eaton and
Margaret H. Peterson rate that sociopaths usually prefer
heterosexual relationships, but that because they want immediate
gratification, "most histories include some homosexual
relationships and often relationships with animals' (p.251)].
that get recorded end in actual death. In my own experience, I
have seen and talked to some, of females in emergency rooms after
they have made a suicide gesture, and I have never yet seen one
of them die from it, even though they almost all claim they were
really trying to die. I even saw one lady from up in the
mountains who overdosed on four iron tablets after an argument
with her husband! Seven times as many women as men attempt
suicide in the United States, but twice as many men die of it.
The reason for this is that men usually use guns or other violent
means, and half of them die as a result of their attempt)7
8. Encourage her to become a movie star. By now she is so
dramatic that acting would be quite natural for her.
9. Get divorced and remarried two or three times, so she can
learn what you already know: that all men are good-for nothing,
but you might as well live with one anyway.
10. Encourage her to wear the most seductive clothing. Actually,
you won't need to encourage her much, because she will do this
naturally to please her father, who keeps on praising her for her
good looks rather than for her character. (Note: Over one-third
of the hysterical females I have treated have even had sexual
intercourse with their fathers or stepfathers. Frequently their
fathers or other adults in their environment took advantage of
them when they were young by some sort of sexual abuse. Five
percent of American women and 2 percent of American men have
experienced incest while growing up.)
11. When she comes home from a date two hours late, you and your
husband should scold her for such behavior. Then with a curious
smirk on your face ask her for all the titillating details and do
enjoy every minute of it. But try not to be aware of how much you
are enjoying her adventure, even though she can tell that you
are.
[7. Even though suicide attempts by females rarely end in death,
this sort of immature behavior should not be taken lightly.
Professional counselling should besought. Including both men and
women in die statistic,, 10 percent of Americans who survive a
suicide attempt die of suicide within ten years (see Thomas P.
Detrie and Henry G. Jarecki, "Modern Psychiatric Treatment," p.
58).]
12. Reward her whenever she plays sick. Then she can somatasize
all her future emotional conflicts rather than face up to them,
running from physician to physician but never finding out what's
wrong, and getting angrier and angrier at those male chauvinist
M.D.'s. (She continues to spend hundreds of dollars getting their
advice, however.)8
According to the Psychiatric Diagnostic Manual, which is the
bible of psychiatry throughout the world, individuals with
hysterical personality disorders are "characterized by
excitability, emotional instability, over-reactivity, and
self-dramatization. This self-dramatization is always
attention-getting and often seductive, whether or not the patient
is aware of its purpose. These personalities are also immature,
self-centered, often vain, and usually dependent on others."9
Hysterics also have a higher than normal incidence of what we
call passive-aggressive personality traits, which include
"obstructionism, pouting, procrastination, intentional
inefficiency, or stubbornness."10 These are ways of getting even
with the person they are dependent upon without being openly
hostile. Lest we become overly introspective, most of us have
behaved in some of these ways some of the time, but individuals
with true hysterical personalities behave in almost all of these
ways almost all of the time. Its a matter of degrees.
I would like to tell you briefly about one female hysteric I
treated for several years, and one male hysteric-a Roman Catholic
priest-whom I treated for a couple of months. Since I am sworn to
secrecy by my Hippocratic Oath as a physician, and for the good
of my patients, I will follow the usual procedure of changing
their names for my illustrations. Jane was a fourteen-year-old
girl when I inherited her as a patient. She had been admitted to
a psychiatric ward of a general hospital after repeatedly running
away, some minor drug abuse, and some bizarre behavior patterns.
For example, she cut up her back with a razor blade in the school
bathroom, then ran into her classroom, telling her female teacher
- whom she
[8. Most hysterics I have treated have also been hypochondriacs.
By the mere power of suggestion, I have 'cured" hysterics of
blindness, paralysis, seizure disorders, multiple sclerosis, and
many other illnesses they thought they had. See bibliography
references 168, 175, 188, and 286 for research data on hysteria.
9. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, p.43.
10. Ibid., pp.48-44.]
had a crush on-that her sister had cut her. Jane would do almost
anything to get attention When we saw her talking to the juice
carts on the ward, we thought she must have been completely out
of her mind, but we found out later that even this was a dramatic
attention-getting device. After psychotherapy with her for six
weeks in the hospital, I followed Jane with weekly outpatient
psychotherapy sessions for two years. During that period Jane ran
away once more for half a day, overdosed half a dozen times or so
in an attempt to manipulate her mother, smoked marijuana
occasionally, and had about a hundred temper tantrums. All of
this was a dramatic improvement over her previous behavior. By
the time she was sixteen, she went to live in a youth home for
girls and had matured quite a bit. When I inherited her as a
patient at age fourteen, she was operating at about the
three-year-old level of psychological maturity, even though her
I.Q. was tested out at 135. By the time she was sixteen, she was
behaving like a ten to twelve-ear-old most of the time.
Parents sometimes bring in a teenager whose rearing they
have bungled for fourteen or sixteen years, and expect the
psychiatrist - since he has that magical "Master of Deity"
degree-to correct all their mistakes in a few weeks of therapy.
It doesn't work that way! All we can do is help the parents to
find some ways to modify the 5 or 10 percent of that teenager's
personality that isn't already formed. In reviewing Jane's first
six years of life, I discovered that she was born into an
upper-class family in which the mother was extremely Victorian
and the father financially successful, but psychologically very
weak and immature. The boss of the family was a very domineering
maternal grandmother, who was also a business executive. Since
Jane's father was immature, and Jane's mother never satisfied him
sexually-thinking sex was somewhat vulgar-Jane's father turned
all of his attention to Jane. He completely ignored his wife and
the other children. He praised Jane over and over again for how
cute she was, and wouldn't think of disciplining her for
anything. Whatever Jane wanted, Jane got. Her father and mother
slept in separate bedrooms, and Jane slept every night with her
father. During her preschool years, Jane was molested at least
once by her maternal grandfather, who was becoming somewhat
senile and had never gotten sexual satisfaction from his
domineering wife.
When Jane was five, she and her father were lying in bed
together when, all of a sudden, her father had a heart attack. An
ambulance was called, and as he was being carried out of the
bedroom, he told his frightened daughter, "Don't worry, Honey,
I'll be back." But he died at the hospital, and Jane refused to
believe that he was dead. For months she would look for him in
closets and behind doors. He was her whole life. With her vivid
imagination, she would conjure him up and imagine him walking
into her room to talk to her several times a day. She finally
quit doing this when she was sixteen, though she may still be
doing it on rate occasions. Using her strong denial, she would
actually believe he was there sometimes. In her childish way of
understanding, she blamed her fattier for leaving her when she
needed him so much. In reality, she probably would have been much
worse if he had lived and continued to treat her the way lie did
like a substitute wife. So she loved her fattier and hated him at
the same time. She became bitter towards men in general, and more
and more seductive as she grew older. She developed a very
hysterical personality with all of its characteristics. When I
served as her therapist for over two years, she learned to trust
and identify with an older male who would not yield to her
seduction and manipulation, but who showed her genuine Christian
love in a matter-of-fact way. During the course of therapy she
did put her faith in Jesus Christ, and she tried off and on to
grow in the Lord. But she found herself trying to manipulate God
in the same way that she had manipulated tier father. As most
people do, she thought God must be a lot like her father, and had
difficulty accepting His omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence,
and His divine mixture of genuine love and perfect justice. I
spent scores of hours trying to teach Jane's mother how to handle
her at home. But her mother, who had arthritis and a heart
condition, simply could not force herself to discipline Jane in
the way she needed to be disciplined, so Jane went to live in a
youth home for girls in a nearby city. The last letter I received
from Jane let me know that she was doing quite well there, even
though she was still trying to play on my guilt for having
recommended that she not live at home with her mother any more.
Not all hysterics are women. If you apply the same
techniques I have listed to your son, you can just as easily make
a male hysteric out of him, and there are quite a few male
hysterics around. Some of you may know one. I hope none of you is
married to one.
One male hysteric that I treated was a Roman Catholic
priest. He came to me complaining about all of his superiors, who
were constantly misinterpreting his actions. Whenever his
superiors would walk into the church and find him caressing a
female parishioner, they would accuse hum of being overly
seductive. Of course, in his view he was only showing her
sympathy for her marital and other problems. He complained that
his bishop kept harassing him because of his liberal ideas about
women's liberation and other women's rights causes. I ordered
complete psychological testing for him, so I could find out what
was really going on. I wrote my own predictions down, and when
the psychological tests -including the Rorschach ink-blot
test-came back, they supported my predictions 100 percent. He was
a male hysteric who unconsciously hated women. When he saw a
feminine ink blot, he would think it was an atomic bomb. It all
stemmed back to his relationship with his neurotic mother, who
pampered him all his life and continually praised him for his
appearance rather than his character. She also followed most of
the other steps listed above.
Hysterics traditionally seduce persons of the opposite sex,
either consciously or subconsciously, so they can put them down
and prove that they are good-for-nothings like everyone else of
the opposite sex. Many prostitutes are hysterics. Many a female
hysteric seeks a good man to bring down sexually, so she can tell
everyone that he seduced her, thus ruining his reputation. Many
of them even make up stories of ministers and physicians who
supposedly have seduced them. The Book of Proverbs describes
hysterical females and males better than any book on psychiatry I
have read. Solomon describes the hysterical male: "A naughty
person, a wicked man, walketh with a froward mouth. He winketh
with his eyes, he speaketh with his feet, he teacheth with his
fingers; Frowardness is in his heart, he deviseth mischief
continually; Ire soweth discord" (Prov.6:12-14). Solomon calls
hysterical females "strange women" and says that they seek out
the precious life, to bring him down. He warns godly young men
that:
The lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her
mouth is smoother than oil: But her end is bitter as
wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to
death; her steps take ]cold on hell. Lest thou shouldest
ponder the path of life, her ways are moveable [unstable],
that thou cans[ not know them. Hear me now therefore, 0 ye
children, and depart not from the words of my mouth. Remove
thy way far front her, and come not nigh the door of her
house: Lest then give thine honour unto others, and thy
years unto the cruel: Lest strangers be filled with thy
wealth; and thy labours be in the house of a stranger; And
thou mourn at the last, when thy flesh and thy body are
consumed [probably referring to the devastating effects of
syphilis], And say, How have 1 hated instruction, and my
heart despised reproof; And have not obeyed the voice of my
teachers, nor inclined mine ear to them that instructed mel
I was almost in all evil in the midst of the congregation
and assembly. Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and
running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be
dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in tire streets. Let
them be only thin, own, and not strangers' with thee. Let
thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy
youth. Let lie, be as tire loving hind and pleasant roe; let
her breasts satisfy these at all times; and be thou ravished
always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished
with a strange woman, and em- brace tire bosom of a
stranger? For the ways of man are before tire eyes of the
LORD, and he pondereth all his goings. - Prov.5:3-21
E. How to develop your normal child into an adult schizophrenic.
All of the literature I have reviewed indicates a strong
genetic predisposition to schizophrenia, more so than most other
mental illnesses. Many childhood schizophrenics come from quite
normal homes, as do some adult schizophrenics. And then again,
many people have inherited a genetic predisposition for
schizophrenia yet never develop the disease, because they were
reared in loving healthy homes that were based on principles
consistent with what God recommends in Scripture. As a matter of
fact, many of those individuals who would have become
schizophrenic under adverse circumstances instead become very
creative. On the other hand, some individuals do not inherit a
strong genetic predisposition for schizophrenia, but become
schizophrenic anyway because they were reared in
schizophrenogenic (schizophrenic-producing) homes. I'm going to
give you five easy steps for producing a schizophrenic
environmentally. But first, let me tell you what schizophrenia
is. Schizophrenia is defined as a
mental disorder of psychotic level characterized by disturb-
ances in thinking, mood, and behavior. The thinking
disturbance is manifested by a distortion of reality,
especially by delusions and hallucinations, accompanied by
fragmentation of associations that results in incoherent speech.
The mood disturbance is manifested by inappropriate affective
responses. The behavior disturbance is manifested by ambivalence,
pathetic withdrawal, and bizarre activity.11
Here's how to produce a schizophrenic:
1. Again, use most of the same basic rules as the alcoholic's
mother, with the following exceptions:
2. Tell your child you love him, but never hug him or show any
genuine warmth. When you have to carry him as a baby, put him on
your hip, facing away from you, rather than snuggling him up
close to you and facing you.
3. Promise him you'll do things with him, but always think of
excuses when the time comes; encourage your husband to do the
same.
4. Husbands should be seen and not heard, and they should be seen
only when they have permission from you. The weaker your husband
is, the easier it will be to make a schizophrenic out of your son
or daughter, especially if you are cold and impersonal whenever
you lie to your child by telling him that you love him.
5. In contrast to the alcoholic's mother, be very weak and in.
effectual yourself. If you and your husband are both psycho.
logically weak and ineffectual, it will help a great deal.12
I had one patient who was a ten-year-old schizophrenic boy.
He was reared by a weak, ineffectual mother who would not
discipline him. She was very cold and impersonal. She had
divorced her husband many years earlier. He was a chronic
paranoid schizophrenic himself, and spent most of his adult life
in V.A. hospitals. When the boy was admitted to the hospital, at
the insistence of social workers, he had a wild appearance-torn
clothes, long claw-like fingernails, a glaring stare-and very
little body movement. He hadn't had a bath in several weeks. The
mother said she simply could not get him to take a bath. I told
the mother that the hospital policy was for the parents not to
visit the children on the
[11. Alfred M. Freedman, et a., "Modern Synopsis of Psychiatry,"
p.791.
12. See bibliography references ...]
psychiatric ward for the first three days after admission, so
they can adjust to being away from home. She accepted this
readily, but when I asked her to tell her son that she wouldn't
be back for three days, she just stared at him. She was so
ineffectual that site couldn't even tell him that, for fear he
might not like her. We treated him with major tranquilizers and
behavior modification, and he got a lot better. He could laugh
again, and play with other children. We recommended to the courts
that he be placed in a foster home or a boys home, rather than go
back to his schizophrenogenic mother. The last I heard, she was
suing the social work service to get him back.
Another schizophrenic patient that I evaluated at Duke
University was an eighteen-year-old girl. Her mother was
borderline schizophrenic herself, and her father was neurotic.
Her parents had used most of the above rules for developing a
schizophrenic - they were quite ineffectual, cold, and so on.
They were also ultra-charismatic, claiming, for example, to have
seen the Holy Spirit in person and to have cast out demons. The
schizophrenic girl was especially disappointed to find out I had
never spoken in tongues. Her conversation went from one subject
to another; she would break off in mid-sentence, not remembering
what she had been talking about. Her thoughts constantly went
back to sexual things, and her mood changed rapidly back and
forth from elation to tearful sadness. She seemed to think the
world revolved around her, and she had the answers for any
question. I have seen many like tier get a great deal better
after two or three weeks on the proper medications, but when I
recommended that she take medications, she refused and the mother
was too ineffectual to insist that she take them. So they never
came back, even after several telephone calls asking them to.
One of the saddest things in psychiatry is knowing you could
help someone, then having them refuse your help. Solomon, the
wisest human counsellor, said, "if you rebuke a mocker, you will
only get a smart retort; yes, he will snarl at you. So don't
bother with him; he will only hate you for trying to help him.
But a wise man, when rebuked [or given insights], will love you
all the more. Teach a wise man, and he will be the wiser; teach a
good man, and he will learn more" (Prov. 9:7-9, LB). And so in my
psychiatric practice, I share with my patients observations and
insights which are sometimes painful (rebukes). What they do with
those insights is their responsibility. I can only hope and pray
that they will use them to change their behavior and improve
their mental and spiritual condition.
F. How to develop an obsessive child.
"Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" (DSM-II),
obsessive-compulsive personality is the diagnosis for individuals
who are "excessively rigid, over-inhibited, over conscientious,
over-dutiful, and unable to relax easily.13 If this progresses to
a neurosis, the condition is characterized by
the persistent intrusion of unwanted thoughts, urges, or
actions that the patient is unable to stop. The thoughts may
consist of single words or ideas, ruminations, or trains of
thought often perceived by the patient as nonsensical. The
actions vary from simple movements to complex rituals such
as repeated hand-washing. Anxiety and distress are often
present either if the patient is prevented from completing
his compulsive ritual or if he is concerned about being
unable to control it himself.14
Here's how to produce an obsessive child:
1. Talk all the time, but don't be very active physically, and
never listen to what your child has to say.
2. Expect perfect etiquette and manners from your child from his
clay of birth on. Don't tolerate any mistakes.
3. Be an introvert. Don't let him see you interacting in a
healthy manner with other human beings.
4. Be very critical of the people around you-this includes your
minister, your neighbors, your husband, and, most importantly,
your child.
5. Be a real snob.
6. Be sure to domineer your husband as well as your children.
This is very important.
7. Emphasize instrumental morality as a way of being superior to
other children, or of getting to heaven.
[13. Manual of Mental Disorders,p.43.
14. Ibid., p.40.]
8. Don't make any serious commitments to God yourself, and be
critical of the religious convictions of your child's
grandparents.
9. Tell your child that his father is the boss, but in reality,
allow your husband to be nothing but a figurehead.
10. Expect your child to be completely toilet-trained by the time
he is twelve months old. Then, when he grows older, he can get
even with you by being constipated much of the time.
11. Be a real miser with your money. Always save for the future,
and don't let that future ever come.
12. Emphasize the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the
law. Make your rules quite rigid, and never allow any exceptions.
13. Practice the Victorian ethic. Shame your child for being a
sexual being.15
Research has shown that these are the kinds of principles
the parents of obsessive children follow. This is quite
consistent with my own findings. Actually, a degree of
obsessiveness can be very beneficial in life. It can help a
person to be hard-working, conscientious, and genuinely moral.
Almost all of the physicians and medical students that 7 have
given personality tests to have several obsessive-compulsive
traits. If they weren't organized and industrious, they would
never make it through the grinding demands of medical school and
private practice. Not all doctors have the nice hours and
independent wealth of Marcus Welby, M.D. Many seminary students
and ministers are quite obsessive - compulsive also. This can
help them to accomplish great tasks for God, provided they also
know how to relax and enjoy life at the same time. I'm sure the
Apostle Paul had some healthy obsessive-compulsive tendencies,
and lie may have had to overcome some unhealthy ones. But
obsessive-compulsiveness can get out of hand if we, as parents,
use the thirteen rules listed above. I've seen obsessive children
who literally hate themselves for not being perfect, even though
most of them are superior in intelligence and in many other ways.
If they go to a
[15. Paul L. Adams, "Family Characteristic, of Obsessive
Children." See also bibliography references 176, 188, 338.]
Christian party and start having a little fun, they feel guilty.
They think its not right to have fun, especially if they could be
at home in their room doing their homework over for the third
time!
G. How to develop an accident-prone child.
1. Be somewhat neurotic and marry a neurotic husband.
2. Get into serious hassles with your husband, especially over
your child. That way the child can blame himself and react to
family stresses by hurting himself to relieve his guilt.
3. Ignore your child, especially when he shows confidence or good
character traits. That way, tie will be noticed only when he gets
hurt again.
4. It will help if you and your husband are both gone most of the
time. Just leave him at home with his older brothers and sisters.
Be too tired and busy to notice him when you do get home, that
is, if he's not in bed already.
5. Overreact with extreme sympathy when he does get a scrape or a
bruise, since you feel guilty for ignoring him the rest of the
time.16
The average age when accident-prone children are seen by a
psychiatrist is about seven or eight. Usually they have been
accident-prone for several years. The tendency appears to be
slightly more common in girls than in boys, and in the youngest
child of the family. The accident proneness frequently goes away
when the psychiatrist finishes treating the child's parents.
H. How to develop an obese child and anorexic teenager.
This syndrome may sound strange to many of you. It's known
as anorexia nervosa, and used to be quite rare. But there has
been a fivefold increase in the incidence of anorexia nervosa in
the past generation.17 Hundreds of research studies have been
done on anorexia, but none have been conclusive about the reason
for the
[16. Peter Husband and Pat E. Hinton, "Families of Children with
Repeated Accidents."
17. "Epidemiology of Anorexia Nervosa," p.556; also G. F. M.
Russell, "Clinical and Endocrine Features of Anorexia Nervosa;"
p.40.]
dramatic rise in the incidence of this disease in the past
generation. The mothers of anorexics are frequently women of
achievement or career women, frustrated in their aspirations,'-
so I think that there is a good chance that some of the
philosophies of the Women's Liberation Movement and the rapidly
changing roles of women in our society may be partially
responsible.
Over 95 percent of the adolescents who develop anorexia
nervosa are females, frequently overly dependent females with
pent-up hostilities toward their parents.'- Most anorexics were
somewhat obese in childhood, are above average in intelligence,
are from the upper socio-economic class, and are the daughters of
professional parents, many of whom are in the nurturing
professions.-" They frequently have fears about growing up, and
especially about becoming a woman. Many have sexual guilt,
sometimes for unfounded reasons.21 They frequently get along
quite well until they start changing from a little girl into a
young woman. Then, all of a sudden, they develop a phobia of
food, especially fattening foods. Their menstrual cycles cease.22
At first, the parents think their daughter is on a typical
teenage diet-until she keeps on losing, and losing, and losing.
About 15 percent of anorexics become increasingly emaciated until
they die of starvation and its effects.23 I had one
twenty-two-year-old anorexic who got down to thirty-eight pounds.
She didn't improve very much, and I assume that she has probably
died in the past few years. On the other hand, one of my best
patients was a sixteen-year-old girl who got down to sixty. six
pounds, responded quite well to psychotherapy and spiritual
encouragement, recovered completely, and has done excellently
ever since. She still sends me occasional postcards. Many
anorexics recover, but continue to have sexual maladjustments and
difficulty becoming intimate with a man.
The results of some research studies (e.g., abnormal EEG's)
[18. Hilda Bruch, "Family Transactions in Eating Disorders."
19. Ibid.
20. Arthur H. Crisp, "Premorbid Factors in Adult Disorders of
Weight, with Particular Reference m Primary Anorexia Nervosa."
21. Arthur H. Crisp, "Reported Birth Weight and Growth Rates in a
Group of Patients with Primary Anorexia Nervosa (Weight Phobia)."
22. See bibliography references...
See bibliography references...]
indicate a genetic predisposition for this disease?24 The parents
of anorexics are quite similar to the parents of children who
become obese and simply stay obese. Perhaps the genetic
predisposition may make the difference. Anyway, the rules I am
about to give are based on general trends that have been observed
in the families of both obese children and anorexic children.
1. Start out by using most of the rules used by the drug addicts'
mothers, so you can create a super-dependent child. (Note: The
thirty-eight-pound patient I told you about was so dependent upon
her mother that she used her emaciated condition to manipulate
her mother into carrying her around like a baby wherever she
wanted to go. The mother did this willingly in spite of our
warnings that it was very detrimental to her daughter's
condition.)
2. Be a frustrated women's libber.
8. Give your children lots of food instead of lots of love.
4. Fathers should be passive in the home, intelligent, and
financially successful, preferably teachers or doctors or members
of some other nurturing profession.25
5. Mothers should be overweight and neurotically overprotective.
They should also wear the pants in the family.26
6. Don't show much respect for your husband.27
7. Be dominant, restrictive, and oversolicitous. Also be sure
your family lives near your own mother, so she can dominate your
life a little too.28
8. Marry an obsessive-compulsive, Victorian husband who doesn't
[24. William P. Wilson, ed., Applications of
Electroencephalography in Psychiatry, p.268. See also
bibliography references ...
25. See bibliography references ...
26. Ibid.
27. Bruch, "Eating Disorders."
28. Patricia Wold, "Family Structure in Three Cases of Anorexia
Nervosa: The Role of the Father."]
like women much because his mother bossed him around quite a
bit.29
9. Direct your husband's pent-up hostility toward your daughter,
so he will be more accepting of you.30
One of the world's leading authorities on anorexia. and
obesity problems is Dr. Hilda Bruch, a prominent woman physician.
In her research studies (several of which are listed in my
bibliography) she notes that women who feel a conscious or
unconscious rejection toward their children frequently compensate
for it by excessive feeding and overprotective measures. Food
thus has an exaggerated emotional value and becomes a
love-substitute. She also notes that these mothers are frequently
frustrated career women who don't respect their husbands.31
I would like to divert our attention here briefly to some of
the research findings, and some of my own personal opinions, on
the Women's Liberation Movement. First of all, I think many of
the complaints of the Women's Libbers are quite legitimate. One
of our best friends is a female lab technician who gets a couple
hundred a month less than male lab technicians with the same
amount of training and experience. I don't think that's right.
And I personally believe that God calls many women to make great
contributions to society through professional careers. However, I
really get angry when I hear Women's Libbers criticize and
downgrade other women for choosing to be housewives or for
submitting to their husbands' authority. I think being a
housewife is a calling from God that is just as worthwhile as any
other calling, and frequently a lot more difficult. Take John
Wesley's mother, for instance. He was the fifteenth of nineteen
children, and his mother didn't have the modern conveniences
American mothers have today. And yet, on top of all her other
chores, she managed to spend at least one hour each week with
each child individually for devotions. No wonder God was able to
use John and Charles Wesley to bring about a revival that reached
around the world. Look at the godly mother they had. This story
has been repeated over and over again
[29. Ibid.
30. Ibid. For an award-winning article an the treatment of
anorexia nervosa, see Ronald Liebman, et a., "An Integrated
Treatment Program for Anorexia Nervosa."
31. Bruch, "Eating Disorders."]
in history, but the books are written about the great sons, and
their great mothers are frequently neglected. I thank God over
and over for the godly mother I had and still have. I also thank
Him for the elderly unmarried woman in my home church who prayed
for me in her closet every day when I was in high school. What an
impact that had on my life! ....
Many people are surprised to find out that the ideal godly
woman described in Proverbs 31 had servant girls help her at home
so she could have time to invest in a little real estate (v.6),
do a little farming (v.16), and make girdles to sell commercially
(v.24). But she also "watches carefully all that goes on
throughout her household, and is never lazy" (v.27). Moreover,
she is a great help to her husband and richly satisfies his needs
(vv.11-12).
Edith Schaeffer, the wife of author Francis Schaeffer, has
written an excellent book for women, entitled "Hidden Art," in
which she shows numerous ways in which godly women can be
creative in the home, making good use of their God-given talents.
She says that much of the impetus for the Women's Lib movement
comes from frustrated housewives who aren't expressing their
creativity in the home. I wish every Christian woman would read
this book.
I think the Women's Libbers have some legitimate complaints,
but I am also aware of some morally corrupt trends within the
movement, such as the call by some to make war against God's Word
and God Himself. As a psychiatrist, I don't like their
denunciation of male authority in the home, since the vast
majority of neurotics I see come from homes that are dominated by
women. Janet Zollinger Giele, of Radcliffe Institute in
Cambridge, Massachusetts, recently published an article in which
she stated that our young people "have been steeped in the new
morality, the new psychology, the experience of mechanization and
the interchangeability of personnel. It took only a small step to
extend these principles to sex roles."32 She states that "recent
demographic trends indicate a shift in the parental and marital
roles of both men and women.... The nature of the family is being
transformed as the worlds of women and men increasingly
overlap."33 This is
[32. Janet Zollinger Giele, "Changes in the Modern Family: Their
Impact on Sea Roles," p.757.
33. Ibid.]
especially true of women born after the great depression. 1 hope
God won't have to bring us through another depression to bring us
to our senses. Karl Marx taught that "the patriarchal family must
go because it is the chief institution in contemporary society
that oppresses and enslaves women."34 Dr.Henry Greenbaum is a
psychiatrist and Freudian analyst who is pro-Women's Lib in
general. But even Dr. Greenbaum states that the Women's Lib
movement is attacking marriage, family, and parenthood, which are
essential human needs. He states that these trends will "lower
the quality of life."35 He also makes the rather astute
observation that "whatever form our evolving institutions do take
will depend to a great extent on our moral value systems and the
quality of people."36
Research studies show that over 40 percent of American
mothers with children eighteen years of age or under are
presently employed.37 These studies indicate that maternal
employment is some times beneficial and sometimes harmful to the
family, depending on various circumstances. Maternal employment
was found to be generally harmful if the mother's job lowered her
self-esteem, if she was working against the wishes of other
family members, or if her children had to be kept during the day
in inadequate facilities.38
I. How to develop an enuretic (bedwetting) or encopretic
(soiling) child.
Occasional bedwetting and soiling are quite normal in young
children. Research studies show us that, in the case of
bedwetting, 88 percent of children quit by about four and
one-half years of age, 93 percent by age seven and one-half, and
98 percent by age seventeen. It may surprise you to find out that
from 0.5 to 2 percent of our American servicemen continue to wet
their beds occasionally.40 It has been estimated that about 10
percent of bed
[34. Alive S.Rossi, "Family Development in a Changing World,"
p. 1057.
35. Henry Greenbaum, "Marriage, Family and Parenthood."
36. Ibid.
87 Mary C. Howell, "Employed Mothers and Their Families."
38. Ibid.
83. Alfred M. Freedman and Harold I. Kaplan, eds., Comprehensive
Textbook of Psychiatry, p.1880.
40. Ibid.]
wetting in late childhood is organic, meaning the child may have
a small bladder or some other physical difficulty. If this is the
case, teaching him to hold in his urine longer can frequently
serve to stretch his bladder and eliminate bedwetting. Ninety
percent of bedwetting in children five years or older, however,
is felt to be psychologically caused, usually an expression of
hostility toward one or both of his parents. So if you, as
parents, stay calm and matter-of-fact, and have the child clean
and change his own wet bed without scolding him, you'll be doing
the right thing. If he's doing it to express hostility and to get
you upset, or to give you extra work to do, this reaction on your
part will take all the fort out of it-especially since lie has to
clean his own bed. And if in fact he does have a small bladder,
you're still doing the right thing because you're not scolding
him, and cleaning up his bed himself will help him to feel more
responsible and independent, and less guilty. If it continues to
be a problem, there are medications, like low doses of Tofranil,
that will usually eliminate the problem within a week or two.
Then the medications can be stopped a month or two later to see
if they are still needed:41
Occasional soiling is also quite common in young children,
but after age five or so, it is generally considered more serious
psychiatrically than bedwetting is. It can also be treated with
low doses of prescription psychiatric medications, but family
counselling is generally recommended as well.
Here are some general rules for increasing the likelihood of
producing an enuretic or encopretic child of the psychological
variety:
1. Mothers should be divorced or married to husbands who are
almost always gone. (Note: In one study of fourteen encopretic
children, for instance, eight lived with a divorced mother and
the other six had fathers who were gone all [e.g., overseas
military assignments] or most of the time [e.g., two jobs].)42
2. Be ambivalent toward motherhood (Women's Libbers again).
[41. Paul M. Bindelglas, et a., "Medical and Psychosocial Factors
in Enuretic Children Treated with Imipramine Hydrochloride."
42. Jule, C. Bemporad, et a., "Characteristics of Emopretic
Patients and Their Families."]
3. Show the rejection you feel for your child by being
domineering, over-intruding, and over-protective.
4. Openly criticize your husband for being stupid, socially
inept, and gone all the time.
5. Isolate your feelings and show a real lack of warmth.
6. Nag a lot.
7. Be preoccupied with your child's intestinal functions.
8. Mother and father should argue openly and frequently about how
to raise the child.
9. If and when the fathers are home, they should be weak and
ineffectual.
10. It will help if you force toilet-training on your child
before he is neurologically ready for it. (Note: Children vary in
neurological readiness for toilet-training anywhere from eighteen
months to four years of age, with the average being about two and
one-half years of age.)43
I have treated a number of enuretics and encopretics, but
one ten-year-old boy especially sticks out in my mind. He had a
divorced, borderline schizophrenic mother who was cold and inef-
fectual and felt strong rejection toward the boy. His mother
would wrap up his stools to show the doctor. She had delusions
about their being as big as horse manure and constantly plugging
up her sewer system. We hospitalized the boy and he did very well
in the child psychiatry unit. Only one time did he put a stool on
the floor, and that was out of anger at me for not letting him
have his own way about something. When I suggested to the mother
that her son might do better at a Christian home for boys, she
jumped at the chance to get him out of her home, but pretended
that she didn't want to lose him. He did a lot of growing up at
that new home, where he felt accepted and loved. In the meantime,
I treated the mother with major tranquilizers and arranged for a
female therapist to see her regularly, in hopes that in a year or
two mother and son might both be ready to live together again,
but this time without psychologically damaging the boy for life.
[43. Ibid. See also Jean Marie Hoag, et a., "The Encopretic Child
and His Family."]
J. How to develop a hyperkinetic (hyperactive) child.
Before giving you some easy steps to follow, I want to say a
few words about hyperactive children. I have evaluated and
treated a large number of them. During the initial evaluation, I
talk to the child, watch him awhile, watch him interact with his
parents through a one-way mirror, and do an extensive
neurological exam. Here is what I usually find, and the
literature will bear me out. The most common finding is that the
boy-and I say boy because about nine out of ten hyperactive
children are boys-isn't really hyperactive at all. He's just
wired at a high normal level of activity. The higher androgen
level in boys makes them generally more active than girls. Many
of these parents had a girl first and, surprised to find out how
active their boy is, just want to know if this is normal.
During the evaluation I also ask the parents quite a few
questions about their manner of discipline in the home. The
mothers, and sometimes even the fathers, are simply unwilling to
give their child a good healthy spanking when he gets out of
hand. These mothers are usually quite ineffectual. They have weak
egos and are so selfish in wanting the child to like them that
they are unwilling to spank him, even when they know. in their
hearts that it would be best for him. So in effect the child has
no real limits. But children can't stand to be without limits.
Children with no limits will be constantly misbehaving and
running around in order to get limits put on them. When limits
are established, children will try these limits. If the parents
reinforce these limits with good solid discipline, the children
will quit testing, sit back, and relax. It gives them real
security. And they know their parents care about them enough to
set limits. In my opinion, the lack of physical discipline and
limit-setting in Sweden is the reason Sweden has the world's
highest teenage suicide rate. Limits bring real security.
There's another group of hyperkinetic children, perhaps 10
to 20 percent of the so-called hyperkinetics that I evaluate.
This group stands out because they have some minor abnormalities
on their neurological exam. Their intelligence is normal or
frequently even better than normal, but in comparison with other
children their age they are somewhat clumsy with fine finger
movements. They have more trouble skipping, consistently get
their letters backward when writing, and do a number of other
things that mark them as having a minor neurological problem.
They have what we call late maturation of the nervous system.
I'll explain it briefly. During the first six years of life or
so, a fatty sheath is being formed around a child's nerve cells.
This is similar to the insulation we put around electrical wires
and is what I mean by neurological maturation. Pathologists who
have studied electron-microscope slides of the brains of children
who have died have noted that this maturation is completed
earlier in girls than in boys -about age five or six in girls,
and about age six or seven in boys. That's why neurologically
girls are more ready for school at age six than most boys. In
some boys, and in a few girls, this neurological maturation does
not become complete until the age of twelve or thirteen.
Sometimes it never does. Children with late maturation have a
number of neurological problems which generally clear up when
maturation is complete. They are more rest. less and definitely
hyperactive. Some have specific learning difficulties, especially
in reading and writing. These difficulties also frequently clear
up at a later age. But in the meantime these children are often
misunderstood. They are labelled as having behavior problems or
as being retarded (even though they have normal intelligence),
and as a result they generally develop a poor self-concept.
Over 90 percent of these children can be treated medically
with dramatic results. I have had a number of them come into my
office, run around the room, spin around in my chair, even climb
up drapes. I give them a low dose of Ritalin, and fifteen or
twenty minutes later they're sitting in a chair answering
questions with ,.yes sir." They calmly go to the testing room
next door and do well on I.Q. tests. They go home and behave;
when they go to school, they can sit still and concentrate
better, and their grades usually come up. They're a joy to treat
because their parents think I'm a miracle-worker. Of course, it
is just the medicine affecting their nervous system to work as
though it were myelinated already. Every six months or so, we
stop the medications for about a week to see if the child still
needs them. When maturation is complete, he will be as calm off
medication as he is on medication, so we leave him off it from
then on. Actually, Ritalin is a type of amphetamine. Amphetamines
speed up adults, making them more active and nervous. They are
also habit-forming. That's why I never prescribe amphetamines for
adults. But I give hyperkinetic children very low doses. I've
never seen a child become addicted to Ritalin, although I'm sure
its possible. Nor have I ever seen adverse reactions to stopping
it all at once. If Ritalin doesn't work, there are several other
medications which probably will. Some researchers say Ritalin
works only in children with late neuronal maturation, but I
disagree. I've given it to a number of hyperactive children who
had no neurological abnormalities and came from homes that lacked
discipline. It worked fine for most of them too. I would have
therapy sessions with the parents for several weeks, get them
into some parent-training classes on how to discipline, and take
the children off Ritalin when the parents were finally ready to
give discipline and love a real try. If they did, the children
got along fine without any medication. Many parents think their
child has hyperkinetic syndrome secondary to late neuronal
maturation when actually all the child has is a lack of limits.
And the opposite is true sometimes too. I know of some parents
who kept beating their child excessively to get him to quiet
down, when in reality he had this neurological syndrome.
Most family doctors know very little about this syndrome or
how to treat it, so if you suspect it in one of your own
children, or a neighbor's child, I would recommend that the child
be seen by a child psychiatrist or by trained people at a child
study center. It really wouldn't matter, in all probability,
whether the child psychiatrist were a Christian or not to
evaluate something like this. Listed here are a few easy steps to
follow if you want to produce hyperkinesis (hyperactivity) in
your normal child.
1. Don't spank him when he needs it.
2. Nag at him occasionally, but don't ever force him to stay
within his limits-that is, if there are any limits.
3. It will help if you are divorced, or if your husband is gone
much of the time.
There! These three easy rules should be enough to do the
trick in your son or daughter!44
[44. Roscoe A. Dykman, et a., "Experimental Approaches to the
Study of Minimal Brain Dysfunction: A Follow-up Study." See also
John E. Peters, et a., "Physicians' Handbook: Screening for
MBD."]
.....................
To be continued with "Five Factors Found in Mentally Healthy
Families"
Christian Child-Rearing #5
Mentally Healthy Families
Continuing with Dr.Meier's book on Christian Child-Rearing:
Five Factors Found
in Mentally Healthy Families
Now that I have told you what not to do, I would like to
pass along to you some positive recommendations on what to do to
develop your children into adults who will be exceptionally happy
and mature, both emotionally and spiritually. First I'll list
five factors consistently found in mentally healthy families;
then I'll discuss each of these five factors briefly.
A. Love. Parents should have genuine love for each other and
for their children.
B. Discipline. A concept unpopular before the student activism
of the '60s is now coming back in vogue.
C. Consistency. Both parents should stick together, using the
same rules and consistently enforcing those rules so that what a
child gets away with on some occasions is not the cause for which
he is capriciously punished at another time.
D. Example. In healthy families, the parents don't expect the
children to live up to standards they themselves don't keep.
Parents should expect their children to live up to the standards
they themselves observe.
(These five factors are discussed in the following references in
the bibliography: 18, 24, 25, 26, 62, 64, 116, 180, 192, 152,
159, 156, 195, 268, 280, 292. These factors are also discussed in
most of the psychiatry textbooks listed in the bibliography).
E. A man at the head of the home. The vast majority of
neurotics, both children and adults, grew up in homes where there
was no father or the father was absent or weak, and the mother
was domineering.
A. Love.
First on the above list of factors consistently found in
mentally healthy families is love. This is not the counterfeit
love of the overprotective mother. In fact, psychological studies
done on smothering, overprotective mothers who never spank their
child show that they have hidden feelings of rejection toward the
child. When they look at certain ink blots, for example, they see
atom bombs exploding - a signal of rejection toward the child.
Awareness of these feelings produces an uncomfortable guilt, so
they try to convince themselves that they love their child by
overprotecting him. The result is an immature, overly dependent
child. It's a defense mechanism to hide their underlying hatred
from themselves and others. As I have mentioned before, they have
such a neurotic need for their children to like them that they
won't spank their children, even when they know the children
really need it; they fear that their children will remain angry
at them for several minutes after the spanking. So they ignore or
complain about their children's disobedience, or threaten to tell
their father on them when lie gets home, thus dividing the
children from their father.
Psychiatrists aren't the only ones who can tell if a
mother's love for her children is genuine. God showed this in the
Bible nearly three thousand years ago. Solomon said, "If you
refuse to discipline your child [spare the rod, KJ], it proves
you don't love him; for if you love him, you will be prompt to
punish him" (Prov.13:24, LB). Solomon also warned, "Don't fail to
correct your children; Discipline wont hurt them. They won't die
if you use a stick on them. Punishment will keep them out of
hell" (Prov.23:13-14, LB). And further, "The rod and reproof give
wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his
mother" (Prov.29:15, NASV).
When undisciplined children grow up, they are immature and
inadequate. They break laws, become addicted to drugs, are guilty
of improper sexual conduct, and literally bring their mother to
shame, just as God said they would. Not only this, but they learn
to hate their mothers by the time they are teenagers, and
frequently much sooner. So one of the best ways to show genuine
love for your child is to spank him when he needs it, such as
when he rebels against your authority.
Another way of showing genuine love for your child is to
give him positive reinforcement. Some children misbehave a lot
because that's the only way they can get the attention of their
parents. Children have to have attention and stimulation. If they
can't get it by good behavior, they'll get it by bad behavior.
Parents who praise their child frequently for his good behavior -
sharing his toys with his siblings, for example - will encourage
him to continue his good behavior. Getting praised for it makes
him feel good and helps him to like himself. Our older boy was
praised early for hugging our daughter, even though half of the
time he was probably squeezing her to get even with her; now he's
one of the "huggingest" boys around. It really makes parenthood
worthwhile when my three children climb up into my lap and
whisper into my ear, "Daddy, I want to tell you a secret. I love
you a whole bunch:" Then 1 give them a big hug, telling them that
I love them a whole bunch too, and we reinforce each other in our
loving behavior.
Another thing we can do is to consider each child a
significant person, no matter how young that child may be. It's
so easy to ignore our children and treat them as though they are
not important. I have to work on that myself.
When I get into a deep train of thought (during Monday night
football games, for example, my wife has to practically hit me on
the head with a baseball bat to get my attention), I tune every
thing else out. So I have to make a real effort to answer my wife
or children when they ask me something. What are some other ways
we can show genuine love?
The Apostle Paul tells us,
Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious,
never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude.
Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or
touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice
when others do wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but
rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you
will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will
always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and
always stand your ground in defending him. - I Cor.13:4-7,
LB
In Deuteronomy 6:5, we are commanded to love God with all
our heart, soul, and might. Loving God is a good preparation for
loving our children. Christ tells us, "A new commandment I give
to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that
you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are
My disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:34-35,
NASV). The Apostle John tells us, "And this is His commandment,
that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one
another, just as He commanded us" (I John 3:23, NASV). God
promises to reward us for having enough love in our hearts to
live by His principles. Christ tells us, "He who has My
commandments, and keeps them, he it is who loves Me; and he who
loves Me shall be loved by My Father, and I will love him, and
will disclose Myself to him" (John 14:21, NASV). To think that we
can have the God who created this universe love us and share
Himself with us intimately. That's fantastic!
Another way to show love for our children is to have genuine
love between husbands and wives. A partial cause of most neurotic
mother-child relationships is that the mother is not getting
emotional and sexual satisfaction from her husband. God inspired
the Apostle Paul to instruct us:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave himself up for her; that he might sanctify
her, having cleansed her by the washing of water, [which is]
with the word.... So husbands ought also to love their own
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves
himself; for no one ever yet hated his own flesh, but
nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the
church, because we are members of His body. For this cause a
man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to
his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.. .. Let each
individual among you also love his own wife even as himself;
and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.
- Eph. 5:25-33, NASV
Be sure to notice the part of this passage that says, "He
who loves his own wife loves himself" (v.28b). Loving ourselves
in a healthy way is essential for developing intimate love with
our wives. So we need to love God, love ourselves in a scriptural
way, love our wives, love our children, and then reach out to
share our love with others. Too many people start out at the
wrong end of this spectrum, trying to be self-sacrificing
humanitarians while ignoring their children, their wives,
themselves, and God. I'm not saying you should put yourself above
others; I'm merely saying that you can't genuinely love others
until you love yourself in a healthy way. That's why God commands
us to love our neighbors as much as we love ourselves (see Mark
12:31). God's Word tells us, "Husbands, love your wives, and do
not be embittered [or hold grudges] against them" (Col.3:19,
NASV). If we carry around pent-up hostility, we will express it
in unconscious ways that will affect the entire family. It's all
right to get angry. Its what we do with our anger that can become
sinful. If a husband and wife tell me they have never had a
disagreement, I tell them that one of them isn't necessary! But
when we get angry at each other, or at our children, we should
talk it out, and then forgive each other. God's Word tells us,
"Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your
wrath" (Eph.4:26). It's not always a sin to be angry, but it is a
sin to go to bed without dealing with that anger.
And finally, God commands us husbands: "Grant [your wife]
honor as a fellow-heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers
may not be hindered" (I Peter 3:7, NASV). No matter what we have
been told, we are not better than our wives. We are equal in
importance in the eyes of the God who created us for each other.
God has merely given us different responsibilities. We are made
in such a way that our families will be healthiest if the
husbands assume the ultimate leadership in the home. And so love
in the home implies self-worth, intimacy with our mate, intimacy
with our children, and intimacy with God. The kind of love found
in mentally healthy families is love that provides emotional,
social, and physical security. ( Clair Isbister, "The Family:
Past, Present and Future").
B. Discipline.
I have already shared with you a number of Scripture verses
on discipline in the home. The Bible clearly calls for reproof
and spanking as ideal punishments for young children, and as a
psychiatrist I agree wholeheartedly, even though some
psychiatrists would disagree. Spanking is quick, and then its
over. It's not long and drawn out. It's applying the "board of
education to the seat of knowledge"! It occurs immediately after
the offense, so the young child knows what he is getting punished
for. If you take away a young child's privileges for something he
did wrong, within a few minutes he will have forgotten what he
did wrong; he won't understand what the punishment is all about,
and it will not be effective. God affirms this principle when He
tells us, "Because the sentence against an evil deed is not
executed quickly, therefore the hearts of the sons of men among
them are given fully to do evil" (Eccles.8:11, NASV). I'll
discuss more about discipline for each age group later on. Let me
just mention here that discipline in the home also refers to a
degree of self-discipline. If you want the disciplining of your
children to be effective, try disciplining yourselves a little
too. In the words of Solomon, "Like a city that is broken into
and without walls, is a man who has no control over his spirit
[no self-control]" (Prov.25:28, NASV).
C. Consistency.
Consistency is also vitally important. A child must know his
limits in order to feel secure. He can't get away with something,
only to find himself getting punished for the very same thing a
minute or two later. Be consistent. Many researchers were
surprised to find out that emotional illness is not as closely
linked to the severity or leniency of discipline as it is to
parental inconsistency in discipline. The husband may be a little
harsh, and the wife may be a little too lenient, so they use
different standards of discipline and the poor children can't
please anybody. I say husbands and wives must provide a united
front. If you disagree on discipline, don't do your disagreeing
in front of the children. Talk it out privately and arrive at
some compromise, but be consistent as to how you discipline your
children. If you are unable to reach a compromise, God has
established the husband as the leader in the home, so whatever he
says goes. If he is too harsh, the children will live through it.
Consistency is the most important thing any. way. Of course, if
your husband is physically abusive and hits the children over the
head with a chair, call the police first; then talk him into
seeing a Christian psychiatrist or counsellor to deal with his
pent-up hostility. Brutal men are usually very insecure, and try
to be tough to prove their manhood. If they can learn to like
themselves in a healthy way, they will lose their need to prove
their manhood by being brutal. If, on the other hand, your
husband is not being abusive, if you think he is being just a
little unreasonable, and if you can't reach a compromise, do
things his way. If they start to backfire on him, he may decide
to change on his own. Most men are willing to change their minds
occasionally if they think it is their own idea. There is an old
saying that goes, "All women, and a few great men, change their
minds!"
In his book, "Man in Transition," Gary Collins notes that
children need to feel accepted by us in order to accept
themselves. Dr. Collins states:
Jesus accepted everyone - even the unlovely - although He
didn't always accept their behavior. Christian parents and
church members must do the same. This acceptance by others,
however, should be consistent. It is hard for a child to
feel accepted if he gets favorable treatment at one time and
unfavorable treatment at other times. Even when children are
being disciplined, parents can show that they accept and
love the child, in spite of his undesirable behaviors (Gary
Collins, "Man in Transition," p.66).
David once asked the question, "Oh LORD, who may abide in
Thy tent? Who may dwell on Thy holy hill?" (Ps.15:1, NASV). David
answered the question by telling us that if we want to abide in
God's tent, that is, to have fellowship with God, we must be the
sort of person who "honors those who fear the LORD," and who
"swears to his own hurt, and does not change" (Ps.15:4, NASV). I
believe David is talking about being consistent even if it hurts
sometimes. Peter instructed us, "To sum up, let all be
harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in
spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but
giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very
purpose that you might inherit a blessing" (I Peter 3:8-9, NASV).
So let's be harmonious and consistent with each other and with
our children.
D. Example.
Our children learn their behavior from us. In the end, they
do what we do much more than what we say they should do. I had an
alcoholic patient one time who was bragging to me about the
discipline he practiced with his children. He told me that lie
made them go to church every Sunday morning, every Sunday night,
and every Wednesday night. He made them read their Bibles every
day. He made them study for at least one hour every night
after school. And he wouldn't let them watch any television,
because there were too many beer commercials. I responded, "This
is fine, but do you go to church with them?" He said he didn't.
Then I asked him if he read his Bible every day, and lie said he
hardly ever read it. Then I asked him if he studied very much,
and he said he didn't. I asked him what he did every night, and
he said he watched television and drank a fifth of whiskey. He
was somewhat offended at me for making him aware of the fact that
he was setting a poor example. His children will probably turn
out the very opposite of what he wants, because he is telling
them one thing and practicing another.
The Apostle Paul told his converts to follow his example to
do as he did. God said, "O that there were such an heart in them,
that they mould fear me, and keep all my commandments always,
that it might be well with them, and with their children for
ever!" (Deut.5:29). Here God shows His tremendous love for us by
voicing His desire that we live by His principles so that things
will go well for us and for our children, and our children's
children. He is saying that if we live by His principles,
generations after us will follow our example. Do you want your
children to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit? Then practice
"love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control" (Gal.5:22-23, NASV). Do you want your
children to be truthful? Then follow God's advice when He tells
us to speak the truth in love (see Eph. 4:15). Do you want your
children to forgive each other, and to forgive you for mistakes
you have made? Then follow God's advice when He tells you to "be
kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just
as God in Christ also has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:32, NASV).
I think we should extend our example beyond our own families
into the community in which we live. God warns us quite strongly
that any overseer in a church (pastor, deacon, elder) "must be
one who manages his own household well, keeping his children
under control with all dignity; but if a. man does not know how
to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church
of God?" (I Tim. :4-5, NASV). God's Word is quite blunt here. If
you are not managing your own family well, you are setting a poor
example and have no right to try to manage God's flock as well.
If you do try, in spite of your poor example, you will without a
doubt be acting contrary to the will of God. One of my greatest
accomplishments as a psychiatrist occurred when I convinced an
alcoholic, adulterous, hostile minister to quit the ministry. He
became a deputy sheriff instead. He may be just as unsuited to
this line of work, but at least he's not misguiding God's
precious sheep.
E. A man at the head of the home.
As I have mentioned previously, a domineering, smothering
mother and a weak father lie at the root of the vast majority of
mental illnesses in children. Most mentally disturbed adults come
from that type of parental heritage also. Solomon tells about two
kinds of wives: "A worthy wife is her husband's joy and crown;
the other kind tears down everything he has" (Prov.12:4, LB). In
the average American home, a child is with his mother five or six
times as much as he is with his father. That's why I addressed my
rules for producing neurotic children primarily to mothers. They
bear a very heavy responsibility in American society today.
But let's take a good look at what God has to say about who
should lead the home. God's Word says, "Wives, be subject to your
husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Col.3:18, NASV). God's Word
also says, "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ
also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of
the body" (Eph.5:23, NASV). When God first created Adam, God
said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a
helper suitable for him" (Gen.2:18, NASV). Then after creating
Eve, God told her, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he
shall rule over you" (Gen.3:16, NASV). If any of you are married
to an unsaved husband, here are God's instructions for you:
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own
husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the
word they may be won without a word by the behavior of their
wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
And let not your adornment be external only-braiding the
hair, and wearing gold jewelry, and putting on dresses; but
let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the
imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is
precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former
times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn
themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus
Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling hum lord, and you have become
her children if you do what is right without being
frightened by any fear. - 1 Peter 8:1-6, NASV
The world will put increasing pressures on Christian women
to assume equal authority in the home, or even greater authority
than the husbands. But I would urge you, for the sake of your
children as well as for the sake of obeying God's commandments,
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world" (Rom.12:2,
LB).
......................
To be continued with "Spiritual Development."
Christian Child-Rearing #6
Spiritual Development
Continuing with Dr.Meier's book
Spiritual Development
We are made up of body, soul, and spirit, so if we feed a
child well and use healthy psychological principles, but ignore
his spiritual development, we will be developing only two-thirds
of a person.... I believe the development of the child's spirit
is the most important of the three. Psychological development
will enable our children to live in society and earn a living,
but spiritual development will enable them to understand the
meaning of life. Carl Jung once stated, "The least of things with
a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things
without it." I have had wealthy patients with everything this
world has to offer - but they were groping desperately for
meaning in life.
At Duke University Medical Center I have done extensive
research under Dr. William P. Wilson. Dr. Wilson is the Head of
the Neurophysiology Department. He has published over 150
scientific articles and several books; he's the former President
of the Southern Electroencephalographic Society, and has also
been an officer in the Southern Psychiatric Association. Dr.
Wilson was an agnostic not too many years ago. He had acquired
everything scholastically and scientifically - but he says he had
a gnawing void in his life. He went to a Boy Scout retreat with
his son several years ago, and a lay witness told the boy scouts
about God's simple plan of salvation. Dr. William P. Wilson,
Chairman of the Neurophysiology Department at Duke University,
decided then and there to humble himself and accept Jesus Christ
as his personal Savior. That met his void. He has been a changed
man ever since, and a tremendous witness for our Lord. I'm very
thankful that God gave me the opportunity to study under Dr.
Wilson. We have spent many hours praying together for our
patients, and for each other's needs.
Dr. Wilson's conversion thrills me, but something that
thrills me even more is the salvation of a young child whose
parents have lovingly guided his spiritual development by
following God's commandments to teach (Dent.6:6-7), to train
(Prow.22:6), and to build (Eph.6:4) their child in a way that
would enable him to experience the abundant life (John 10:10).
This is where Christian men have fallen short. They have become
so wrapped up in the world that they have neglected their highest
calling - the spiritual development of their children.
God tells us fathers that He "established a testimony in
Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which He commanded our
fathers, that they should teach them to their children; that the
generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born,
that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they
should put their confidence in God, and not forget the works of
God, but keep His commandments" (Ps.78:5-7, NASV). God has also
said, "And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be
in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy
children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine
house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest
down, and when thou risest up" (Dent.6:6-7). God gave instruction
to "know well the condition of your flocks, and pay attention to
your herds" (Prov.27:28, NASV). Solomon told us that "in the fear
of the Lord there is strong confidence, and his children will
have refuge" (Prov.14:26, NASV). Now that we have seen our
tremendous responsibility before God, let's look briefly at ways
to encourage spiritual development in each age group.
A. Prenatal.
You can't teach your child Bible verses before he is born,
but you can influence the environment in which he develops by
enjoying the pregnancy, listening to soothing music, and taking
good care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Many
scientists believe that such measures can influence the
developing baby in some ways, although the proofs are not
definite.
B. Infants (birth to fifteen months).
Some of the foundations for spiritual development are laid
during infancy. The infant certainly does not understand our
religious beliefs and concepts as such, but our religious beliefs
and concepts strongly influence the attitudes we will have toward
that infant. The infant can sense the overall home atmosphere,
and begins to respond to our behavior and attitudes.
C. Toddlers (fifteen to thirty-six months).
The young toddler is rapidly acquiring language skills,
grasping for new experiences, and observing everything that
happens in the small world around him. How the child and his
father relate to each other lays the groundwork for his future
conceptions about what God is like. You can start by teaching him
to say a memorized prayer to a loving, heavenly Father, though at
thirty-six months of age, of course, he will be saying the words
but thinking about what his earthly father is like. If you are a
harsh, critical father, that will influence his conception of the
Father to whom he is praying. If the child is in a loving,
secure, and accepting environment during these months, he will
develop a basic trust that will enable him later to have a more
meaningful faith in God. I think what you let your child watch on
television, and the music you play in the home, strongly
influence his personality development in ways that will either
facilitate or hinder his future spiritual development.
D. Preschoolers (three to six years).
During these years, our children pick up thousands of words
in their vocabularies, but their knowledge of abstract concepts
is still almost nil. They reason concretely, and everything is
either black or white. This is known as dichotomous thinking.
Without a stimulating environment, and some formal education,
many people never outgrow this dichotomous way of thinking. In
children this age, words are just that - words. Gary Collins
mentions that even during the national anthem, which is supposed
to be sung with such meaning, young children frequently
substitute words like "the grandpas we watched were so gallantly
streaming." (1). And they think that's what the song is about.
This is just one example of how children this age reason.
I studied the works of Jean Piaget to some extent in my
psychiatric training, especially when I was learning child
psychiatry. My wife, who has a master's degree in early childhood
development, studied Piaget even more than I did. Piaget did very
extensive research on the neurological, social, and moral
development of children. He even set up a timetable for the
earlier years. (2). From his studies, we know among other things
when the average child will say his first word, be neurologically
ready for toilet-training, understand concrete concepts, tie his
shoes, and understand abstract concepts. I'll be quoting Piaget a
number of times in this book. His studies show that three-to
six-year-old children reason quite concretely, and that they
believe almost everything we tell them. The average child, in a
relatively good school system, doesn't begin to reason abstractly
until he is about eleven years old. (3). That's why prolonged
reasoning with a three-to six-year-old child about his misconduct
is such a futile waste of time. I make this mistake occasionally
with my younger children; all the time I am reasoning with them
about the moral concept they have disobeyed, their little minds
are wandering at least a mile away. A quick spanking, hard enough
to bring repentance, is so much more effective and useful in
dealing with children this age. They can understand that if they
do certain bad things, like rebelling, the result will be either
a short verbal rebuke or else instant physical pain; and if they
do certain good things, like sharing their toys, the result will
be parental praise, approval, and maybe even a big hug. This is
what psychiatrists call behavior modification - positive
reinforcement of the behavior you want to develop, and negative
reinforcement of the behavior you want to discourage. Sometimes
just ignoring some types of mild bad behavior is in itself
negative reinforcement.
By now some of you may be asking yourselves, "What does
1. Gary Collins, "Man in Transition," p.48.
2. See bibliography references 307-18.
8. John E. Peters, "Lectures on Piaget."
all of this have to do with the spiritual development of my
three-to six-year-old?" Well, the answer is that we need to
understand his level of reasoning in order to multiply our
effectiveness in teaching him spiritual things. For example,
stories about Jesus and some of the little children in the Bible
have a great deal of meaning to children this age, whereas
teaching them about abstract concepts like parable interpretation
or "agape" love will only make them wish you would hurry up and
get done so they can get back to their toys. The more appropriate
the spiritual training the child has during these three years,
the more he will rely on his Christian faith when he is older and
has meaningfully accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior. I believe
some children can understand enough during the latter part of
their first six years to know that they are frequently sinful,
that they want God to forgive them, and that they want to live
forever in heaven - (we of course who know the truth about death,
resurrection, and that heaven will be on this earth, will teach
them so - Keith Hunt) and they put their simple faith in Christ,
who taught that unless we as adults put our faith in Him in the
manner of a little child, we will in no wise inherit the kingdom.
I was reared in a very godly home, and I was six years old
when I understood enough to put my faith in Christ. Moreover, I
have personally led to Christ five-and six-year-olds whom I felt
to be genuinely ready for salvation. (It can be very true that a
six year old is ready to fully believe in God and the Bible, and
Jesus Christ as savior - a six year old can understand wrong from
right and forgiveness. I know it is true because I went to a
"religious" school at age 5 where the Bible was read each morning
for the first half hour, starting in Genesis - it all made
logical sense to me, hence my spiritual development took root -
Keith Hunt)
As we help our three-to six-year-olds develop spiritually,
we must keep in mind that the main sources of their learning,
whether at church or at home, are their total life experiences
rather than our words. As Gary Collins says, "A 'loving heavenly
Father' is foolishness if the child's earthly father is harsh and
unkind.... Even the child's views of God, heaven, angels, and
hell are in terms of pictures he has seen.(4). Children this age
frequently pray as though God were a magician in the sky whose
purpose is to grant their thoughtless and selfish wishes. I have
known a great number of adults who still pray that way. They try
to play God and to use God's magic to accomplish their will,
instead of asking God to show them His will in the matter, so
they can act accordingly. As we pray with our children, we should
show them by our example that prayer is a means of merging our
will with the will of God.
During this stage of development, children pick up their
4. Collins, Man in Transition, p.53.
notions of what is right or wrong from what they see us doing,
not from what we say is right or wrong. For instance, I know on
the basis of Scripture that there is nothing sinful about feeling
the emotion of anger, and I encourage my oldest child to let me
know when he feels angry (see, e.g., Eph.4:26). If he in-
appropriately hits me when he is angry or throws something at me,
I spank him; but if he comes up to me and tells me he is feeling
angry toward me or someone else, I thank him for telling me and
we talk about it for a while. But somewhere or other, probably
from my own behavior at some time, he has picked up the concept
that it is sinful to feel anger. To my surprise I found this out
when we were watching a Walt Disney show on television one
afternoon. There was a good man in the show who became quite
angry when he discovered that someone had stolen his prize
watermelon. Later, the boy who stole it came and apologized. He
and the man shook hands and made arrangements for the boy to do
some work on the farm to pay for having stolen the watermelon
(which is a great idea, by the way, because it will relieve the
boy's guilt feelings and at the same time teach him that there
are consequences for bad behavior). Anyway, I was glad my older
boy and I had watched it together. But about an hour or two
later, he came up to me and said, "Daddy, that man was bad!" I
didn't know what he was talking about, so I asked him. He told me
that the man in the watermelon story was a bad man. So I told
him, "No he wasn't! He was a good man!. What makes you think he
was a bad man?" And to my dismay he replied, "He was a bad man,
because he got angry." So I explained to him that its all right
to feel angry. It all depends on what we do with that anger.
Another thing we have to watch out for is lying to our
children. This is a terrible thing to do, and yet lying to our
children is an American tradition. Before any of you throw this
book away, let me explain what I mean. Our child loses a tooth,
and what's the traditional thing to do? Why, of course! We tell
him that if he'll put his tooth under his pillow, a tooth fairy
will sneak in at night and put money there. When Christ's
birthday, commonly known as Christmas, comes around, the American
tradition is to go to all ends to convince our three-to
six-year-olds that there is a man called Santa Claus who is
omniscient ("he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when
you're awake"), omnipresent ("he knows if you've been bad or
good," no matter where in the world you live), and omnipotent (he
can carry tons of toys all around the world in a matter of hours,
and fly up and down chimneys). For many Christian children, Santa
Claus is an idol that replaces Jesus Christ, whose birthday we
are supposedly celebrating.(5). But instead of focusing on His
birthday, Christmas becomes a big materialistic experience that
keeps us going from Thanksgiving until New Year's Day! Do you
realize that when your six-year-old goes to school and finds out
you, his Christian parents, have been lying to him for six years
about something that has become a major part of his religious
beliefs, he will subsequently have doubts about everything else
you have taught him -especially about God? Is this a laughing
matter? I don't think so...... (And of course you who are
studying from this Website will know the truth about Christmas,
Thanksgiving, January 1st and many other false ideas and customs
that are part of modern popular Christianity - so teach the truth
and hold to God's teachings and customs - Keith Hunt)......
5. Ibid., pp.55-56.
Another thing we can do to be truthful with our children
is to be sure to let them know when we are telling them a fairy
tale and when we are telling them a true story. It's very
difficult for a young child to separate the two. I believe some
of the traditional fairy tales American and European mothers tell
their young children can have detrimental effects. All the
stories of violence and witches and people cutting off other
people's heads create tremendous fears in three-to six-year-olds
who see mean giants hiding in their closets at night. My wife and
I are even somewhat selective as to which Bible stories to tell
our children at each stage of their development. I eventually
want them to know all the Bible stories, that is, when they are
ready to comprehend their significance. We don't read them the
Song of Solomon yet, but we will when they are teenagers. I would
encourage you to buy your children Christian story books and to
use them often, along with some healthy secular story books.
Fleming H. Revell publishers even put out Christian comic books.
just remember that your child's brain is much more complex than
our best computers, and like a computer, what you feed into your
child's brain during those first six years is what's going to
come out of his brain the next seventy years. This applies to
television and the type of music played in the home too. My
approach to raising children might be called a type of Gestalt
approach. "Gestalt" means looking at the whole forest instead of
just singling out one tree. One single mistake, like one tree in
the forest, won't do much harm to our children. In fact, they can
tolerate quite a few parental errors and still turn out quite
normal. It's only when most of the forest has been raised on
Satan's fertilizer instead of God's rain that we produce a
depreciated plot of land (6).
6. If you comprehend the meaning of this last sentence, you have
what we call abstract reasoning ability. If you think the
sentence merely refers to fertilizer and trees, you have only
concrete reasoning ability. The average child, according to
Piaget, is able to understand these last three sentences at about
age eleven if he has had an adequate education.
....................
NOTES:
Today, the local Christian Books Stores and/or the Seventh Day
Adventist book stores, carry a large selection of "Bible Things"
for ALL ages of children and teenagers. Yes, you will need to be
selective, for sometimes, false teachings are presented in the
books or games, or puzzles. But the selections are so plentiful,
you will have no problem picking out the correct theological
teaching ones.
The Sabbath day should have certain favorite "Bible things" just
for the Sabbath day. With special meals and food, and favorite
Bible books, games, movies, puzzles, etc. the Sabbath day can be
looked forward to, as a wonderful DIFFERENT day of the week. Be
creative in your Sabbath day observation, make it a day all in
the family anticipate with joy and happiness, with many "Bible
fun things" in it, as well as enjoying God's creation when the
weather permits. Of course the Sabbath will contain family Bible
study, prayers, church attendance (if possible). Today we have so
many things to serve us and our family in Sabbath observance. It
really should be a day the whole family looks forward to. But you
as parents must put forth the effort to think of ways to make the
Sabbath a delight - a different day, but a delightful day as
well.
It is in my judgment that no Television or Computer should be
allowed in any bedroom of children (and by children I mean from
birth to age 18). Such modern items should be in the open house
area, or an open type room where their use can be seen by the
parents at any time.
Of course it is Christian logic to make sure incorrect and wrong
and even very bad programs are not allowed on the Television and
Computer. It is a good idea to sit down as a family at the
beginning of each week and go through the programs that can be
watched for that week. Television and Computers have much to
offer that is good and educational helpful for growing children.
In the western world today, a child just about needs a Computer
to do their schooling. It is like many other things, we need
balance and the wisdom and character quality to use such modern
tools correctly.
If you find those tools can NOT be controlled CORRECTLY, then it
is better to GET RID OF THEM!! That is the teaching of Jesus when
he said if your hand offend, cut it off, better to go into the
Kingdom handless, than all of your body to be cast into hell-
fire.
Parents, need to know, what, where, when, how, the life of their
children is going, in the home, at school, and at play. There is
no need to be a harsh drill master. In fact you need as time
marches on to become your child's best friend. Give them a
ROUNDED BALANCED life, of work and play, a time to be serious,
and a time to be having fun. Spiritual development for them is
then one part of their balanced and rounded life - Keith Hunt.
.................
Prenatal and New Born #7
Some good facts
Continuing with Dr.Meier's book on Christian Child-Rearing:
Prenatal Development
In spite of the fact that some geniuses weighed only a few
pounds at birth, and that some mentally retarded persons weighed
quite a bit at birth, there are indications in pediatric research
that there is some relationship between higher birth weight and
higher I.Q. If your child didn't weigh much at birth, don't worry
about it. There's not that much of a difference if he gains
enough weight the first six months of life. The significance of
this is that when you are pregnant, you should be sure to eat
some protein every day, to drink some milk, to take vitamin
tablets with iron, and not to smoke cigarettes. It's the quality
of food, not the quantity. The average pregnant woman should gain
about eighteen to twenty pounds during the nine months of
pregnancy, and most of that will be in the last three or four
months.1 Gaining too much weight during pregnancy will make the
baby's delivery more difficult, not to mention what it will do to
your own self-worth and your husband's opinion of you. If you are
already overweight when you get pregnant, you won't need to gain
anything if you eat
[1. J.Robert Willson, et al., "Obstetrics and Gynecology," p.
274. According to Willson, the fetus (1-1/2 lbs), placenta (I to
I-1/2 lbs.), amniotic fluid (1 to 2 lbs.), increase in the size
of the uterus (2 to 2-1/2 lbs.) and breasts (2 to 3 lbs.), and
increased blood volume (3 lbs.), as well as increased
extravascular fluid, make up the eighteen to twenty pounds the
average woman should gain during pregnancy].
the proper foods and take vitamins.2 But I don't recommend that
you lose weight during pregnancy. God has arranged your body
physiology so that the developing baby gets what it needs first,
and what's left goes to you.
The other major area of concern during pregnancy is the
emotional condition of the mother. Depending on background and
experiences, pregnancy, especially the first pregnancy, can be
quite an anxiety-producing experience. All women have ambivalent
feelings about pregnancy when they are pregnant. That's normal.
The worst thing a pregnant woman can do is to feel guilty about
these ambivalent feelings, or to try to convince herself that she
doesn't have them. If she keeps them pent up inside, they will
cause physiological changes in her body chemistry which could
potentially damage her health as well as influence the physical
development and eventual emotional condition of the developing
baby.
I know a military obstetrician who was treating several
pregnant women with severe cases of toxemia. A couple of them
were near death, according to the doctor. And they weren't
responding to medical treatment. So he told them he was going to
have to abort their pregnancies. They agreed. He anesthetized
them, splattered some blood on them, and sent them back to their
rooms without having done anything at all to them. When they woke
up, they were told their babies had been aborted. They expressed
some brief sorrow, but they all got over their toxemia of
pregnancy.3 The doctor used some faulty medical and legal
judgment in doing what he did, but he wanted to save their lives
and the lives of their fetuses. When the women found out several
days later that they were still pregnant and that the doctor had
lied to them, they were quite angry at him, and he found himself
in considerable trouble with his superior officers.
This experience implies a relationship between the
unexpressed anxiety conflicts and the autonomic physiological
reactions in the expectant mother. So the best thing a pregnant
woman can do is to be aware of her ambivalent feelings - the
positive and
[2. Ibid.
3. This small (and illegal) research project in no way proves
that all toxemia, of pregnancy are the result of psychic
conflicts. Many physiological foam, are involved, but this
illustration does imply a strong psycho-physiological correla-
tion in these particular women].
negatives aspects of having a baby, the fears of delivery itself,
even ambivalent feelings about being a woman - and to talk them
out with her husband and other significant people in her life.
It's especially good to talk to another woman who has gone
through the same experience, so you can share with each other.
There is absolutely nothing abnormal or sinful about having these
feelings. It would be abnormal if you didn't have them. And they
won't do you any harm if you will talk them out and resolve them.
Also be sure to meet your other normal emotional and
spiritual needs. Have devotions every day, get plenty of rest,
have your husband take you out once a week or more, listen to
relaxing and preferably Christian music, and keep right on having
the usual amount of sexual intercourse with your husband.4 Some
medical books say to have sex until the last month, and others
say until delivery. Only very old medical books advise cutting
down on sex during pregnancy. The average married couple has sex
two or three times a week, and this a fairly good indicator of
their overall emotional stability and relationship with each
other.
[4. Willson, "0bstetrics and Gynecology," p. 277].
The Newborn
I enjoyed delivering babies more than any other experience
during my medical school training. It can also be quite an
experience for the delivering mother - a good experience or a bad
experience. It will be whatever you make of it. I don't think it
really matters whether you opt for natural childbirth, caudal
anesthesia, or "twilight sleep." Just do whatever is right for
you without yielding to pressures from anyone else.....
Nonetheless, the general feeling of obstetricians who have
delivered babies in various parts of the world is that American
women are the most immature about childbirth. And as a
psychiatrist, I know that expectations greatly influence the
actual experience. There are tribes in Africa that migrate from
place to place to find food. When they are marching from one area
to another, and one of their women goes into labor, she goes to
the side of the road, squats clown and has her baby, and then
catches up to the rest of the tribe. I have also heard that most
European women have natural childbirth, simply gritting their
teeth during labor pains, whereas many American women scream for
several hours before they find out they are only having false
labor. My wife tells me, however, that if men had to go through
labor, very few families would have more than one child! She may
be right.
I do think breast-feeding is far superior to bottle-feeding,
especially during the first few months of life. Modern hospitals
today bring the mothers and babies together for breast-feeding if
the mothers request it. During the first few days, the baby
doesn't get much milk from the mother - he doesn't need it. What
he does get is some fluid containing millions of maternal
antibodies that will help protect him against infections.
Mother's milk is far superior to cows' milk in many ways: it
contains all needed proteins, including a higher quality of
protein, and it's sterile and inexpensive.1 And there is
something about breast-feeding that brings not only physical but
emotional warmth to both mother and baby. Breast-feeding also
causes hormones to be released in the mother that actually cause
the hips to pull back together, restoring her normal figures.2
These hormones (especially the hormone prolactin) also serve as a
natural tranquilizer for the mother, causing feelings of
acceptance toward the child and contentment.3 And although some
women do have smaller breasts after breast-feeding, the average
mother often permanently increases her breast size.
There are both rewarding and unrewarding ways to breast-
feed. One study was made of fifteen male and fifteen female
newborn babies breast-feeding. Notes were taken on the newborns'
responses as their mothers took them off the nipple.. The study
was continued until they were eight months old. Those babies that
didn't have a satisfactory time at the breast as a newborn, as
measured by crying and thrashing, were also more tense at eight
months, as measured by withdrawal from strange adults and strange
situations. Those babies that were satisfied at the
breast-feeding as newborns, as measured by high but unstressful
activity after nipple withdrawal, were also more active, happier,
and less tense at eight months.4 I don't think nature has any
more beautiful sight than a loving mother breast-feeding her
totally dependent baby, and there is nothing more touching in the
psychological realm than the relationship between a mother and
her baby. Another interesting study was done in which tape
recordings
[1. Mohsen Ziai, ed., "Pediatrics," p. 199.
2. J. Robert Willson, et a1., "Obstetrics and Gynecology," p.
619.
3. Theodore Lidz, "The Person," p.130.
4. B. J. McGrade, "Newborn Activity and Emotional Response at
Eight Months."]
of thirty-one newborns were played to eight new mothers, forty.
eight hours after delivery. All eight were able to select the cry
of their own infant from the thirty-one recorded.5 A second group
of ten mothers in multi-bed hospital wards following delivery was
observed to see if they woke up at night on hearing their own
baby cry, or for that matter on hearing any baby cry. During the
first three nights, fifteen out of twenty-six waking episodes
were caused by their own baby's cry. After the third night,
twenty-two out of twenty-three were for their own baby.6 I think
that's really a beautiful illustration of the mother-baby
relationship, I know when our children cry at night, I seldom
wake up at all!
Another study was done to analyze the development of
feelings of attachment in fifty-four mothers during the first
three months of their first child's life. The study showed that
in the first month to six weeks, "the model mother experienced
impersonal feelings of affection toward her infant, whom she
tended to perceive as an anonymous nonsocial object."7 In the
second month, when the infants began to smile and look at things
longer, "maternal feelings intensified and the infant was now
viewed as a person with unique characteristics who recognized his
mother."8 After three months had passed, "maternal attachments
were sufficiently strong to make the infant's absence unpleasant
and his imagined loss an intolerable prospect."9 It is
significant that this investigation revealed that "mothers who
developed an attachment late in time or not at all either did not
want infants or had babies with deviant behavior."10 Thus,
significant things are happening even in the first three months
of life which will affect the eventual adult emotional condition
and personality.
My advice on having a baby is that you would he much better
off if you wait until you are psychologically ready for one.
Don't have babies because of pressure from parents or friends.
Have them if and when you are emotionally ready to have them.
Studies have shown an increased divorce rate in couples who have
a baby during
[5. D. Formby, "Maternal Recognition of Infant's Cry."
6. Ibid.
7. K. S. Robson, et a1., "Patterns and Determinants of Maternal
Attachments," p.976.
8. Ibid.
9. Ibid.
10. Ibid.]
the first two years of marriage, and a somewhat decreased divorce
rate in couples who have their first baby after at least two
years of marriage. I think it takes a couple of years merely to
adjust to living with each other. So if you've been married less
than a year and your marriage is already floundering, don't have
a baby, hoping that the baby will bring you closer together. It
will probably drive you farther apart. Work out your marital
hang-ups first; think about a family later.
One of the most common problems psychiatrists are called
upon to handle is postpartum depression. This is a rather serious
depression starting soon after delivery and lasting for months,
some times reaching psychotic proportions. Women who suffer from
it need antidepressant medications initially, followed by
long-term counselling sessions to help them accept motherhood.11
Most women feel somewhat let down after delivery. This is to be
expected; after all you have lost some blood and are anemic, and
are now faced with getting up all hours of the night to change
and feed the baby. But that usually takes care of itself if the
mother gets some help, eats right, and catches up on her sleep.
Also, the baby usually settles down to a more regular schedule
within a few weeks. If the baby doesn't settle down to a regular
schedule at one or two months, I think you should do yourself a
favor and settle him down to one. A little crying won't hurt him.
Check with your pediatrician about specific problems in this area
though.
One more topic I would like to discuss in this chapter is
babies born with congenital abnormalities and how to accept them.
Fortunately, God has arranged a mother's physiology in such
a way that most fetuses with abnormalities end up as miscarriages
within three or four months of pregnancy. The average mother will
have about one miscarriage for every four or five pregnancies.
But God allows some of these abnormal babies to be born. I'm not
going to debate the theological issue of whether this is God's
directive or permissive will, but I do know that God allows it.
And I know that psalm 139 says that we were designed by God in
our mother's womb .... If my wife and I ever bare a Down's
syndrome child or a child with other congenital abnormalities,
I'm sure we will probably think it is God's directive will,
[11. Allied M. Freedman and Harold I. Kaplan, eds.,
"Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry," pp. 1161-63].
but I don't claim to know the mind of God (see Deut.29:29). I do
know that God is love, and that "all things work together for
good to them that love God, to them who are the called according
to his purpose" (Rom.8:28). I don't think being a psychiatrist
would help me much either, if it happened to me. I would probably
go through the usual stages of disbelief, followed by anger
toward God, followed by anger toward myself, followed by some
degree of grief, and hopefully followed by a resolution of the
conflict, with much greater maturity and understanding than I had
before. It can go the other way, though, and end up in excessive
denial and social isolation. Then there is the problem later on
of deciding whether to put a child with major abnormalities in a
special home, or to keep him or her at home where he or she is
disrupting the entire family's life. There are no clear-cut
answers. I know godly people who have put their handicapped
youngsters in homes and are glad they did, and I know godly
people who have kept them in their own homes and are glad they
did. I personally believe that sometimes it is better for the
severely handicapped child to live in a home where special
training can be given, with parents visiting as needed, but that
in other cases it may be better to keep such a child at home.12
[12. See bibliography references 114, 268, 279, and 380 for
discussions of the mentally handicapped, and references 27, 39,
and 285 for discussions of physically handicapped children].
(Indeed, for such severe handicapped children, much thought,
meditation, prayer, and studying all the facts with the experts
on the subject, should be done by the parents, to determine if
that child should stay at home or be in a special home. The
nature of you as parents and individuals, the situation of your
secular work, time you have or don't have, relatives and friends
to help or not help, other children you may already have or
desire to have, must all be considered, if you find yourself with
a severe handicapped child - Keith Hunt)
......................
Christian Child-Rearing #8
Infants to 15 months
We continue with the book "Christian Child-rearing and
Personality Development."
INFANTS
(Birth to Fifteen Months)
A. The importance of infancy
Dr.Theodore Lidz, Chairman of the Department of Psychiatry
at Yale University School of Medicine, states quite emphatically
that "during no other period of life is the person so transformed
both physically and developmentally" as during infancy.l He
further states that "no part of his life experience will be as
solidly incorporated in the individual, become so irrevocably a
part of him, as his infancy."2 Lack of physical care can result
in ill health, wasting away, and death. Lack of social nurturing
will result in distortions of emotional development and stunting
of intellectual growth.
Even an improper diet can influence the infant's ultimate
intellectual capacity, since all of the nerve and brain cells a
person will ever have are produced by six months of age.3 After
six months of age, brain cells may continue to enlarge, but no
more new cells will ever be formed. That's why the infant needs
plenty of protein, which he gets primarily from milk, during
those first six months of life. Many mothers in the ghetto
bottle-feed their babies; since they can't afford much milk, they
put things like Kool-Aid
[1. Theodore Lid, "The Person," p.117.
2. Ibid.
3. Mohsen Ziai, ed., "Pediatrics," p.48.]
into their babies' bottles, and the result is fewer brain cells
for their children for the rest of their lives. Programs like
Head Start are usually too late. During those first six months
the infant's physical needs predominate. During the remainder of
his infancy, socialization and affection are just as important as
his physical needs.
Another reason why infancy is so important is that during
the fifteen months of infancy, the child's ultimate potential for
developing basic trust is established, depending primarily on how
trustworthy his mother is in meeting his basic needs. What makes
things difficult is that a mother can give her infant too little
or too much support. The human infant is among the most helpless
and dependent of all of God's creatures. Too little support can
leave the infant struggling for emotional survival, whereas too
much support can lead the infant to become overly dependent. Dr.
Gary Collins notes that development during infancy is
"characterized by rapid physical growth, initial perceptual and
intellectual development, a learning to cope with new
experiences, early social and emotional development, and the
beginnings of personality formation."4 I think you can
understand from these facts the tremendous importance of infancy.
B. The importance of stimulation and experience in infancy.
1. The four basic drives.
Human beings have four basic drives: (1) tissue drives,
such as the need for oxygen, water, and food; (2) sexual drives;
(3) defensive drives - primarily fear and aggression, which
Walter B. Cannon labelled the "fight or flight" mechanism; and
(4)
drives for stimulation and activity.
2. Spitz's study on marasmus.
During World War 2, a number of infants were placed in a
European foundling home. Their mothers were allowed to stay with
them during the first three months of life, during which time the
infants developed normally. Then, apart from their mothers, they
were cared for by nurses at a ratio of one nurse per eight to
twelve infants. The infants were fed well, and got good medical
attention, but received very little stimulation in the way of
being handled by the busy nurses. As a result of this lack of
stimulation,
[4. Gary Collins, "Man in Transition," p.89.]
30 percent of them died of malnutrition within the first year.
Most of the survivors could not stand, walk, or talk by the age
of four, and had become permanently and severely mentally
retarded.5 This condition, in which an infant refuses to eat and
becomes more and more emaciated, is known as marasmus (pronounced
ma-raz-mus). It is also called failure to thrive, and occurs
frequently, even in America. Research studies show that many of
the parents of infants suffering from marasmus are physically
abusive, with a high incidence of alcoholic fathers. Many of
these infants have to be legally taken out of their homes, to be
reared in foster homes instead, if caught in time, and if given a
lot of physical stimulation, some of these infants recover and
may even live relatively normal lives thereafter.6
3. Duke's "TV Kid."
I know of a very small, emaciated six-year-old boy whose
mother worked long hours and left him every day with his maternal
grandmother. Unfortunately, the grandmother couldn't tolerate
children, so she put him in a crib every day from infancy, and
put the crib in front of a TV set in a small room with nothing
else and nobody else in it. The child's only company was that TV
set, except when the grandmother brought in his food and laid it
in his crib. By the age of six, the boy was very poorly
developed, emaciated, and the size of an average three-year-old.
He could not talk, except for repeating TV commercials, which he
did over and over again. When his child psychiatrist at Duke
Hospital asked him questions, he would spout off another TV
commercial quite accurately. Various people worked with the lad
extensively, but he was permanently handicapped both physically
and mentally. The mother was rehabilitated and the child was
eventually returned to her custody. He'll probably be nicknamed
"The TV Kid." Unfortunately, this is not a rarity in America
today. I have seen numerous unmarried mothers on welfare with as
many as sixteen or eighteen children. They were drawing large
welfare checks, while their children were out roaming the
streets. I remember
[5. Rene A. Spin, "Hospitalism: An Inquiry into the Genesis of
Psychiatric Conditions in Early Childhood."
6. Sue L. Evans, et al., "Failure to Thrive. A Study of 45
Children and Their Families." See also P.S.Goldman, "The
Relationship Between the Amount of Stimulation in Infancy and
Subsequent Emotionality."]
driving through downtown Memphis close to midnight one time and
seeing groups of very young children playing kick the can. I wept
for them.
4. Animal studies.
The importance of stimulation, and of the right kinds of
stimulation, has also been demonstrated in various animals. Dogs,
for instance, that were restricted as pups by being raised in
cages, developed striking abnormalities of behavior by the time
they reached maturity.7 When these same dogs were allowed to
leave their cages as young adults, they exhibited excessive
behavioral arousal - meaning that they became overly excited by
anything new in their environment. They went into whirling fits
so violent that they frequently would break the skin on their
heads against the walls. They also exhibited impairment of
selective perceptual processes - meaning that they ran around the
room from one object to another, rarely showing sustained
attention to any single object. They also had considerable
difficulty getting along with normally reared dogs that were
placed in their area. Another interesting study showed that rats
which were handled daily, early in life, had a much more vigorous
antibody response to infections than did rats deprived of
physical handling early in life.8 And so in the animal kingdom,
as well as in man, the adults emotional condition and personality
are strongly influenced by the amount and type of stimulation
received during infancy.9
C. Mother-substitutes.
1. Mothers in the American labor force.
With 40 percent of American mothers currently in the labor
force, either part-time or full-time, "mother substitutes"
becomes an even more important subject than it already was. One.
research study showed that "the loss of mother is disturbing to
an infant and produces a searching, agitated response. Substitute
mothering serves to relieve the distress, the extent depending in
part on the degree of mothering provided and in part on the
specific nature
[7. R. Melzack, "The Role of Early Experience in Emotional
Arousal;" p.721.
8. G.F.Solomon, "Emotions, Stress, the Central Nervous System,
and Immunity."
9. Goldman, "Stimulation in Infancy;" p.649.]
of the tie to mother.10 Further, if the loss of the infant's
mother is hot relieved, "the infant soon lapses into a state of
severe depression and withdrawal that appears to conserve his
resources and minimize the danger of injury."11
2. Piaget's findings.
Some of Jean Piaget's studies indicate that adequate mother
substitutes are all right the first six months of life or so, but
that on the social level the mother is very specifically needed
by about seven months of age.12 The infant then needs his own
mother for security and socialization, or there will be a
variable extent of permanent emotional and intellectual damage.
Before the child is seven or eight months of age, another
competent person can be substituted for the mother without any
serious consequences, but not very readily after that age.
3. Unconditional acceptance.
Dr. Eugene Mcdonald states that "the mother's unconditional
acceptance of the infant is the precursor to healthy
self-acceptance which enables him to make the most of himself
within the frame work of his personal strengths and limitations,
both physical and mental."13 He adds further that "the child who
has been unconditionally loved has a good conscience, experiences
normal anxiety, and is relatively free in his choice of
action."14 On the other hand, the infant who has been
conditionally loved, as he grows older, "has a restrictive or a
'bad' conscience and experiences undue quantities of anxiety,
hostility, and guilt which engender various forms of compulsive
behavior of a social or antisocial character."15 By the time a
child is old enough to go to school, most of his character
structure has already been established. An emotionally healthy,
reflective child will be greatly enriched by this new contact
with peers, teachers, and information. However, the anxiety-laden
child who fears the unknown will feel threatened by his new
interpersonal and environmental relationships. Dr.Mcdonald
[10. I.C.Kaufman, et ad., "Effects of Separation from Mother on
the Emotional Behavior of Infant Monkeys," p.695.
11. Ibid.
12. John E. Peters, "Lectures on Piaget."
18. Eugene Mcdonald, "Emotional Growth of the Child," p.74.
14. Ibid.
15. Ibid.]
has wisely remarked, "The person who reaches adulthood with the
feeling that life has been kind to him wants to give something of
himself back to life."16 I would strongly advise those of you
who are working mothers, especially if your children are still
infants, to quit your jobs. Don't be afraid to deprive your
infants of material things if you can give them yourselves
instead. I have a special place in my heart for handicapped and
retarded children, and I believe they, even more than
non-handicapped children, need their mothers unconditional love
and acceptance to prepare them for what they will have to face
when they become old enough to go to school.
4. Hospitalized infants.
Another group of children who especially need their mothers
are children who have to be hospitalized. Studies have shown that
young children whose mothers don't come and spend a lot of time
with them in the hospital have a significantly higher mortality
race.17
5. Over-indulgence versus deprivation.
I want to remind you once again that meeting the infant's
desires can be overdone or underdone. Overly-indulged infants
become inappropriately optimistic and expect the world to look
out for them when they reach adulthood. Deprived infants have a
deepseated pessimism, become hostile and resentful when their
needs are not met, and tend to give up easily.18
6. Harlow's monkeys!
I want to end this section on mother substitutes by telling
you about Harlow's monkeys. Harry and Margaret Harlow are a
husband and wife research team who conducted an interesting and
by now fairly well-known study on mother substitution in monkeys.
They took a group of young monkeys away from their mothers, and
put them in areas where they could choose between two imitation
mothers. One "mother" was made out of wire, and had a baby bottle
attached which was kept full of milk. The other "mother" was a
soft, terry cloth mother, but with no feeding device attached.
Interestingly, the monkeys would go get milk from
16. Ibid., p.79.
17. Lidz, "The Person," p.150. See also M. Lynch, et al., "Family
Unit in Children's Psychiatric Hospital:"
18. Lidz, "The Person," p.151.]
the wire mother, but run to the soft terry cloth mother whenever
they were frightened.19 So be a soft terry cloth mother, not a
wire mother.
D. Developmental adaptation in Infancy.
1. Six major tasks to which infants must adapt.
a. Developing responses to environmental stimuli.
b. Controlling normal body functions, such as feeding,
elimination, and sleeping.
c. Adapting to physical illnesses.
d. Adapting to major behavioral changes, such as weaning.
e. Adapting to more and more social expectations imposed by
parents.
f. Adapting to rapidly developing modes of mobility
(crawling, standing, walking, falling).
2. Problems of family mobility.
Gary Collins notes that the typical problem areas of infants
and their mothers center around "feeding, weaning, sleeping,
thumbsucking, excessive crying and, later, toilet training.20 He
mentions that in years gone by, the mother gained support,
encouragement and advice on these matters from experienced and
sympathetic relatives, but this has all changed with the current
mobility of families. In the United States approximately one
family in every four moves each year. Relatives are now often far
away, and the young parents who reside in relatively unfamiliar
communities must depend more on books and articles - some of
which give conflicting and confusing advice.21
3. Mountains or molehills?
Parents frequently make mountains out of molehills, worrying
about things that are absolutely normal - especially with the
first child. For instance, thumb-sucking, genital play and
"security blankets"
[19. Harry F. Harlow and Margaret K. Harlow, "The Affectional
Systems in Behavior of Non-Human Primates."
20. Collins, "Man in Transition," p.4.
21. Ibid.]
should all be expected as normal ways in which infants gain
comfort. Depriving the infant of such gratification may result
in, frustration and increased insecurity. It's best to ignore
these things, especially in infancy.
4. Stress is good for you (and your child too)!
Parents are also frequently overly concerned about various
minor stresses injuring the mental health of their infants, when
in reality a degree of stress is beneficial to the infant.22 Dr.
Theodore Lidz states that "overprotection or development in an
extremely stable and homogeneous setting is likely to produce
colorless individuals. As everyday experience often shows,
difficulty can strengthen one; trauma can produce defenses that
can serve well in later emergencies; deprivations can harden: "23
So it's all a matter of degrees again. On telling me some of the
stresses they have been through, some patients are surprised when
I respond, "Great! Stress is good for you! It will help you to
mature!"
5. Sensory-motor stage of development.
The neurological stages of development in infancy are best
described by Jean Piaget, the Swiss psychologist. Piaget calls
infancy the sensory-motor stage of development, since it is
primarily a preverbal stage during which the infant gains sensory
and motor skills. During the first month of life, the infant
learns by repetition of his innate reflexes, such as sucking,
crying, blinking, and breathing. During the second month, the
infant learns that he has voluntary control over some of these
automatic responses. He can stick his thumb in his mouth, stare,
suck, and make noises at will now, During the next six or seven
months he will learn to play, show emotion, imitate, and spend
longer periods of time investigating various objects by sticking
them in his mouth and rubbing them. Toward the end of the first
year he is able to crawl around and may even be starting to
walk He tries to experience everything available. This means his
parents must make the house childproof. The average American home
contains about seventeen poisonous substances or medications that
an exploring infant could get into, such as furniture polish,
aspirins, insecticides, and prescription medications in
[22. William Reese, "Lecture to medical students, University of
Arkansas Medical Center."
28. Lidz, "The Person," p.88.]
mothers' purses. The major cause of death in infancy, is
accidents, including household accidents and overdosing. A friend
of mine treated a mother for depression after her infant son died
from drinking furniture polish while he was supposed to be
napping. It can happen to anyone. Yet parents should be aware
that infants who grow up in homes where they are constantly
getting their hands slapped for getting into things
tend to become adults who are rigid in their thinking and fearful
of exploring new ideas.
The average one-year-old can say about one or two words,
like dada and mama, although some can say quite a few more and
others don't start speaking. until the end of infancy. The rate
of development is no prediction of ultimate I.Q., unless it is
extremely slow. Albert Einstein was said to be a late developer,
for instance. So don't rush your infant-just accept him, enjoy
him, and give him a wide variety of experiences. He'll move on to
each stage when he is neurologically ready to do so. A fear of
strangers also develops toward the end of the first year, and at
about a year, children also show a fear of animals. Some children
may also fear an expanse of water, like the ocean, when they see
it for the first time. They learn a fear of heights by experience
- after falling off the couch a couple of times.24
6. Characteristics of development.
In summary, note that development is (1) orderly and in
sequences, (2) uneven - meaning that it occurs in spurts, (3)
unique - meaning that no two children develop at exactly the same
rate, and (4) the result of both maturation and learning.25
E. Environment versus heredity.
1. The pendulum swings!
Debates have gone on for years over the roles of environment
versus heredity. Two generations ago, there was an overemphasis
on heredity-a person was a criminal because he inherited a crim-
inal mind and had a criminally-shaped head, and similar
foolishness. This foolish thinking continues today in the form of
astrology. The past generation generally blamed nearly everything
on environment
[24. Peters, "Lectures on Piaget." See also bibliography
references 507-15.
25. Collins, "Man in Transition," pp.26-28.]
and ignored hereditary aspects. But with the volumes of research
data that are pouring in every day, scientists are now raking a
good look at both heredity and environment, because most aspects
of the human body and mind, such as eventual personality, are
influenced by both hereditary and environmental factors.
2. Are children really born princes and princesses?
I was once particularly amused by a guest speaker at Duke
University Medical Center. He was a liberal theologian who had
graduated from Harvard. He was active in civil rights in the late
60s, and was a teaching member of the transactional analysis
movement. He told us that he agreed with Eric Berne, who taught
that children are born princes and princesses, and environment
makes frogs out of them."26 He said that children are born with
a good nature, rather than a sinful nature, and that their
parents make frogs out of them. If children are born good, my
children must have received unfair treatment when the genes were
passed around, because they could lie before they could talk.
3. What the Bible says about your child's nature.
Children are not born with good natures. They are born with
sinful natures, and we parents have to work hard to set good
examples if we are to teach them to be good, which is against
their nature. God's Word tells us that "foolishness is bound in
the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it
far from him" (Prov.22:15). God is saying here that we inherit a
sinful (foolish) nature, and that by discipline we learn to be
good.
(No, Prov.22:15 is a "general statement" - many children are not
foolish, and many children do not need the rod of correction.
This is just a fact if you have many children or talk to enough
parents with children. Children are born NEUTRAL. Adam and Eve
were created NEUTRAL - neither good or bad. They were not created
to hate God or His ways. They were taught good from bad, good
from evil by God, an outside influence. They chose to do bad,
influenced by another outside influence - Satan. They could then
choose to do good or to do evil. They chose to do evil, well the
Scriptures say Eve was deceived, Adam knew better, hence he is
blamed for bringing the first sin into the world. This truth is
proved by other studies on this Website - Keith Hunt)
Freedman and Kaplan's psychiatry textbook notes that
"typically the child learns to say no before he learns to
say yes. He knows what he doesn't want long before he is able to
formulate what he does want."27
Jean Piaget's studies also show that moral behavior is
learned, and that children are not born with good morals.28
Young children try to imitate and please their parents to avoid
punishment for being bad, and to gain approval for being good.
Solomon said, "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who
gets his own way brings shame to his mother" (Prov.29:15, NASV).
[26. Grant Barnes, "Notes from his grand rounds at Duke
University."
27. Alfred M. Freedman and Harold 1. Kaplan, ads., "Comprehensive
Textbook of Psychiatry," p.580.
28. See Jean Piaget, "The Moral Judgment of the Child."]
................
NOTE:
Proverbs 29:15 is a "general statement." The Bible is loaded full
with general statements. See on this Website the study called
"General Statements." Many children do not need the rod, a tone
of voice from a parent can bring such children to tearful sorrow.
Have enough children or talk to enough parents with children and
the truth of this is very evident.
Children are born NEUTRAL, as Adam and Eve were created NEUTRAL -
they were not created with an evil nature. They were created with
a neutral nature with free choice. Good and evil has to be taught
or shown, then humans have the freedom to choose good or evil.
God wants them to choose good - see Deut.30:15-20 and yellow mark
Deut.1:39. There is a time when children know neither the
knowledge between good and evil. They are born neutral. Outside
influences come to them from various teachers, parents,
relatives, friends, the school systems etc. They are NOT born
with evil sinful nature. They are born with the ability to CHOOSE
between good and evil, WHEN they are taught good from evil. They
are not born with bad manners or bad morals. Children must be
taught what is good morals or manners, then they can choose the
way they should go. God wants all to choose the good and way of
life - Keith Hunt)
Child-Rearing #9
Toddlers - 15 to 36 months
Continuing with Dr.Meier's book on Child-Rearing
TODDLERS
(Fifteen to Thirty-Six Months)
A. Developmental adaptations.
1. Seven proverbs on discipline.
These scriptural principles take on special meaning during
the toddler stage of development.
Proverbs 18:24. "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who
loves him disciplines him diligently."
Proverbs 19:18. "Discipline your son while there is hope."
Proverbs 22:6. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and
when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:15. "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child;
but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him."
Proverbs 28:18. "Do not hold back discipline from the child. When
you beat him with the rod, he won't die."
Proverbs 29:15. "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who
gets his own way brings shame to his mother."
Proverbs 29:17. "Correct your son, and he will give you comfort;
he will also delight your soul."
[All the above verses are GENERAL STATEMENTS! The Bible is FULL
of general statements. I have a study on this Website called
"General Statements" - it is very important that you know the
truth of the matter on the Bible's use of "general" statements.
Without this truth you can be thinking and teaching all kinds of
wrong doctrines, that are just not the truth of the Bible.
NOT ALL children need a physical spanking for wrongs done or for
training them to grow up in the correct way of life. Some over
the past decades have taught that THERE IS *NO* CHILD THAT DOES
NOT NEED TO BE CORRECTED WITH THE ROD OR THE PADDLE. That idea is
just simply NOT true, and plain hog-wash. There have been MANY
children - talk to enough parents and you'll find out - that are
of such a nature they are easy to teach and correct, a simple
stern look and tone of voice will bring those children to tears
and sorrow.
Remember then, there are dozens of verses in Proverbs that are
GENERAL statement verses - they cannot be applied in EVERY
situation of life - Keith Hunt]
2. Parental limit-setting.
The reason these passages of Scripture take on such meaning
is that this is the stage when the need for discipline really
blossoms. It is one of the most trying stages for the patience of
both parents. The main reason is that the toddler has acquired
fantastic, newfound motor skills, yet has meager mental
capacities. His chief mental capacity seems to be the capacity to
be curious about everything that you call a "no-no." By removing
many of these "no-no's," the toddler can still he allowed and
even encouraged to follow his natural bent toward exploration.
During the first fifteen months of life, known as infancy,
the mother is encouraged to develop in her child as much
independence as possible. But during the next twenty-one months
or so, known as the toddler stage, she must teach the child to
respect limits and renounce immediate gratifications, while still
encouraging a healthy degree of independence.
3. How to drive the "terrible threes" out of a two-year-old.
My wife and I are both very loving and nurturing parents;
and yet we remember spanking our older son or slapping his hand
for open rebellion many times during those crucial twenty-one
months (15th to 36th months). Since we trained him well during
the toddler. stage by encouraging independence and exploration,
yet spanking him for willful disobedience, he came out of it very
well behaved for his age, and he continued to have a healthy
degree of independence at the same time.
I've heard a lot about the terrible threes, but I think we
drove a lot of the terrible threes out of him when he was still
two, because his third birthday brought on a new era of relative
peace, although he still needed an occasional spanking. Now that
he is older, he loves us so much that he really strives to please
us, doing his chores and going to bed when we ask him to without
complaining, and he rarely needs more than a sad or scornful look
to correct his behavior. We keep the paddle handy though. Also,
the younger children are easier to discipline than he was,
because they follow his good example.
[Again, spanking or a little hand slap, may be what is needed for
many children during this age, but not ALL children need this. I
talked once to a lady who had 5 children - 3 girls and 2 boys.
Two of the girls when in ages 15 to 36 months NEVER needed a
spanking or hand slap - they were so easy to correct and train.
This lady told me those two girls NEVER ever had a spanking. I
got to know those girls when much older and they were indeed very
fine young people - Keith Hunt]
4. Basic self-trust and a sense of initiative.
This is a crucial stage in the development of basic
self-trust and a sense of initiative. A domineering, overly.
demanding, and overly protective mother, at this stage, will
develop in her toddler a lack of self-worth, and initiative. A
sense of worth-lessness results from constantly not living up to
parental expectations. One excellent research study showed that
many of the mothers of male schizophrenics could not
differentiate between their own needs and feelings and those of
their sons!
The schizophrenic's mother, then, would treat him as a
symbiotic extension of herself. She expected her son to complete
her life by living out the life she couldn't live, limiting the
child's autonomy and fostering dependence rather than
independence. The husband was either absent or quite passive, and
the mother encouraged her son to be different from his father.
She played on her son's guilt, making him feel that if he left
her it would destroy her. These mothers were basically
overprotective and intrusive, but at the same time cold and
aloof. The fathers of schizophrenic daughters were frequently
seductive but suspicious and paranoid.
5. Realistic expectation.
In disciplining the child and setting firm limits, which is
absolutely necessary, parents must also be realistic as to what
is to be expected in a child this age. That's one reason why the
first- born child frequently bears the brunt of going through
this stage with inexperienced parents who don't know what can
realistically be expected of him. We'll discuss some studies on
first-born children later on.
Let me say here that many of them become quite
perfectionistic, as can be seen from the fact that fifteen out of
America's first sixteen astronauts were first-born sons. They had
to be perfectionistic for the type of work they did. Their lives
depended on it.
Take the neurological readiness for toilet-training, for
instance. I know mothers who try to toilet-train their infants by
the time they reach their first birthday, when in reality,
neurological readiness does not come to the average child until
anywhere from eighteen months to more than four years of age. And
also, we as parents are frequently very disappointed when we have
just spanked our child for getting into something he shouldn't,
only to find him doing it again five minutes later. The right
thing to do, in my opinion, is to patiently spank him again,
rather than to throw up our hands and scream. Children at the
toddler stage have very short attention spans and short memories.
Parents should be aware of these age characteristics and realize
that instructional do's and don't's need to be repeated many
times before a toddler understands them. Although the behavior of
the toddler may become somewhat exasperating, especially when it
results in the destruction of some precious object, or in a mess
that is hard to clean up, what the child really needs at this
stage of life is calm parents. Such a requirement almost demands
a supernatural act of God in many cases.
6. How's your child wired!
I mentioned before that every child is wired differently.
Boys are generally more active than girls; since they have more
androgen in their blood. I know some parents whose children are
very well behaved, and require relatively few spankings. A lot
of that has to do with the inherited activity level of the
children. Some parents warn their child three times every time
he does something he knows he shouldn't, then spank him when he
does it a fourth time. I don't recommend this, because these
children go through life doing all the wrong things three times
before fearing any punishment, and in real life, you might get
caught after the first, second, or third time.
7. Socialization.
At about two years of age, the toddler should have enough
basic trust to develop relationships with other children,
including the freedom to express and assert himself, even in his
crude ways. The presence of other children after the second
birthday is very important, because this is the time in his life
when he is neurologically and emotionally ready for learning
social skills.
8. Food refusal.
Food refusal is common during the late toddler stage. This
is frequently a manipulative gesture to express hostility toward
the parent. But sometimes toddlers simply don't like certain
foods.
My older son went through a stage of not liking meat. When
he was about two years old he would eat everything else on his
plate and leave the meat. We knew it was important for him to eat
protein, so I asked a nutritionist at the medical center where I
worked what she would recommend. She gave me such a simple
solution. I was almost embarrassed for asking her. She told me to
put protein and nothing else on his plate for a few days. If he
didn't eat protein, he wouldn't eat. When he got hungry enough,
he would get used to eating protein. It worked like a charm and
took only one or two meals to break him in. So don't let your
toddler succeed in getting you angry by refusing to eat - just
remove his food if he becomes too negativistic or dawdles unduly
with it.
It won't hurt him to miss a meal or two occasionally - in
fact, it will help him in the long run. And don't give him any
between meal snacks unless he has earned that right by eating a
reasonable amount at the previous mealtime. We allow our own
children to eat as much as they choose to, but if they don't eat
a reasonable amount, they get nothing until the next meal. This
way, we have no squabbles at mealtime. Mealtime should.be a time
for developing social skills, especially between mother and
toddler; as well as a time for eating. Be sure you don't
substitute food for love or social interaction.
[Well, the above for Dr.Meier may have worked, and it may well
work for many, but it ain't going to work for some. I was a kid
who until about age 12 HATED cabbage, brussel-sprouts, and a few
other things of the same food family. If my parents had done what
was suggested for Dr.Meier, I would have died or gone out and
stolen food. I literally would THROW UP if forced to eat cabbage
or brussel-sprouts. So again, use common sense, and understand
the situation you are in with your child and certain foods. God
has given us a enough VARIETY of foods (people can live okay and
not eat meat you know) for all tastes. There are still some foods
my taste buds do not like and turn my stomach up-side-down. I
just do not eat them period! - Keith Hunt]
9. What about pacifiers?
Mothers frequently ask me my opinion about pacifiers too, so
I'll make a few comments on them here. Basically, I think
pacifiers are fine, although they can be potentially dangerous.
Many mothers tie a pacifier around the neck of their toddler so
the pacifier won't get lost; not realizing that this is quite
dangerous, the child could fall, catching the string on
something, and thus choke. Also, worn-out pacifier should be
thrown away and replaced, because the rubber end of the pacifier
has been known to break loose and choke a toddler who bites
through it. However, a child at the infant and toddler stages
needs a good deal of oral gratification, and I have found that
children who get to suck on a pacifier as much as they want to
during infancy and the first half of the toddler stage generally
do not suck their thumbs so much when they leave these stages.
Our two oldest children made heavy use of pacifiers at first.
When they were about a year and a half, we tried not giving them
a pacifier to see how they would respond, and neither of them
missed it. And neither of them sucks his thumb. Our third child
refused a pacifier in infancy and never used one at all. If your
children do suck their thumbs, the best advice I can give is not
to worry about it - it's quite normal. Just ignore it. If they
are over five years of age and getting ready to go to school, you
will probably want to put a stop to it, but before that time
there's nothing to worry about. Some psychiatrists feel that
thumb-sucking beyond age four may indicate that that particular
child did not receive enough maternal warmth and affection during
feeding periods in infancy. Some parents are afraid that
thumb-sucking will result in buck-teeth, but research studies
indicate that buck-teeth are seldom the result of thumb-sucking.
[I loved my pacifier. I never thumb-sucked, but I sure did enjoy
my pacifier. I can remember as if it was yesterday, the day my
Mom threw it in the fire and said, "That's it Keith, no more
sucking on a pacifier" or words to that effect. I cried out in
desperation, but in the fire it went. I got over the shock after
an hour or so. Some of my children did suck their fingers when
babies and toddlers. I never worried about it. It did not cause
buck-teeth in any of them - Keith Hunt]
10. Genital play.
I would also, recommend that you ignore genital play during
the toddler stage, unless your child is doing so in public. It's part
of his natural exploration in discovering his body. If you choose
not to ignore it, handle the situation tactfully by merely
putting his underwear back on and telling him he should leave it
on. But don't ever shame him for it, or threaten him in any way,
or he will think his genitals are evil and develop poor sexual
concepts later in life. It could even result in neurotic fears in
adult life, and sometimes even impotence.
When your children ask questions about their anatomy, and
believe me they will, the best thing you can do is to give them
truthful, matter-of-fact answers. It is generally felt best to go
ahead and use words like urination, vagina, urethra, and penis,
rather than the childish words we frequently substitutes.
11. The concept of sharing.
Another important development during the toddler stage is
the willingness to share. If you want your child to understand
such concepts as unselfishness, sharing, and the results of
stealing, the foundation for these concepts must be laid in the'
toddler stage. Our children have lots of sibling rivalry, just
like other children, but they also share quite a bit, because we
praise them whenever they do share with each other or with us.
And we set the example by sharing many of our things with them.
When one takes a toy out of another's hands we slap his hand or
spank him. This is stealing, in a primitive sort of way, It's
covering your neighbor's possession.
12. Piaget's four periods of development.
We mentioned earlier that infancy falls roughly into Jean
Piaget's sensory-motor period of development. This is an
appropriate time to list his four periods of development. We will
refer to them from time to time:
a. Sensory-motor period: Birth until about eighteen months.
b. Preoperational period: From about eighteen months until
the child starts school at about age six.
c. Period of concrete operations: Roughly from ages six
through eleven.
d. Period of formal operations: From age eleven or twelve,
if the child has been properly educated. At this point the
child can begin to be reasoned with abstractly, if he is
mature. Many adults never reach this stage of reasoning
ability. They can't understand the hidden meanings of
various proverbs, for instance. They think that the proverb,
"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones;"
means just that - if your house is made out of glass you
shouldn't throw stones because the glass might break. They
do not understand the various other implications, such as
that people who have faults (which means all of us)
shouldn't be criticizing others.
13. To spank or to reason?
Since the toddler stage is approximately from fifteen months
to thirty-six months of age, any complex reasoning attempts would
be a waste of time. Verbal reproofs are sometimes adequate, but
if the child is openly rebelling, spanking is the most effective
form of discipline.
14. Language development.
At the beginning of the toddler stage, at about fifteen
months of age, most children are using single words to name some
familiar persons or things, like "mama," "dada;" "dog," and "eat"
They also start using a lot of nonsensical gibberish, until they
finally start putting two or more words together. The average
child can talk in sentences fairly well by three years of age,
which marks the end of the toddler stage and the beginning of the
preschool years - ages three to six. Language development depends
a good deal on how much the parents talk to the child, as well as
whether he has older brothers and sisters to learn from. Toddlers
also learn to think out loud and talk to themselves, which is
perfectly normal.
15. Imaginary friends.
Toddlers also have imaginary friends that they talk to. This
is normal. This fantasy life helps them practice talking and also
helps them deal with developmental conflicts they are
experiencing in ways that are less threatening than real life.
16. Play therapy.
Sit back and watch your children play house. It's quite
revealing to see how our children interpret our family
interactions and communications. In fact, many child
psychiatrists do just that - its called play therapy - to analyze
what is going on in the family that is causing the child's
conflicts, and to use the information to help the child - and his
parents resolve those conflicts.
B. A toddler's perception of the universe around him.
1. The logic of the eighteen-month-old.
Let's take an imaginary trip back to our own early
childhood, most of which we have repressed from our memories. It
may be a painful trip, or it may be a pleasant trip, depending on
your past experiences, but let's try to see the universe through
the eyes of the little child within each of us.
An eighteen-month-old toddler's logic consists primarily of
his impulses to carry out his selfish desires, which allow him to
release his tensions. He has no foresight and thinks' primarily
in of the present, frequently forgetting the many lessons he has
learned from past experiences. Many adults in today's society
still appear to be operating with the logic of the
eighteen-month-olds.
2. Alan's mind: a telescope or a microscope!
The mind of man sees the universe as though he were viewing
it through a microscope rather than a telescopes. It magnifies
only within the short range of his highly selective experience,
his select views of reality. Whether an eighteen-month-old
toddler or a thirty-eight-year-old man in the prime of his
career, or even an eighty-eight-year-old man with years of
experience - man does not make decisions and act totally on the
basis of true facts and reality, but rather on his impressions of
what is factual and real. His decisions are based on past
experiences, conscious perception, prejudices, conscious and
unconscious drives, emotions, social pressures, mental capability
to interpret reality, and many other factors.
3. Ways that we lie to ourselves.
Since no man, woman, or child is perfect, no one can, see
things as they really are 100 percent of the time. Most people,
in fact, don't want to - that's where man's approximately
twenty-two defense mechanisms (denial, projection, etc.) come in.
I personally hope to perceive and understand as much of reality
as I can handle psychologically, and pray that my human capacity
to grasp reality emotionally and intellectually will be extended
as far as possible within my finite capabilities. The Apostle
Paul said, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood
as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put
away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but
then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even
as also I am known" (I Cor.13:11-12). I can hardly wait to enroll
in the University of Heaven, to learn all of the reality that
remains a secret to me now. Moses wrote, "The secret things
belong unto the LORD our God: but those things which are
revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may
do all the words of this law" (Deut.29:29).
But in this life we continue to lie to ourselves through
some of our twenty-two or so defense mechanisms, which are
closely tied to our emotions. A child who has experienced the
unpleasant feelings of anxiety or depression will look for ways
to prevent those unpleasant feelings from recurring. An anxious
feeling will cause physiological changes - such as speeding of
the heart and tightening of the muscles - which in turn signal
the unconscious to turn on one or more defense mechanisms, so
that the child will not see things as they really are. If he sees
reality at that moment, his feelings will be hurt - literally.
Our most basic defense mechanism is repression, which Lidz
defines as "the barring or banishment of memories, perceptions,
or feelings that would arouse the forbidden." Lidz adds that "in
order to prevent rearousal of some childhood sexual experiences
or the discomfort of remembering sexual desires for a parent, the
entire period of early childhood may be repressed." This is
theoretical, of course, but worthy of consideration.
Another defense mechanism which presents itself in early
childhood is regression. If a child encounters something that
makes him somewhat less secure, such as the birth of a younger
child, he may regress to an earlier stage of development at which
he did feel secure. He may even go back to wetting his bed or
sucking his thumb months after he, quit doing those things.
Fantasy formation is a defense mechanism that is usually
considered healthy at the toddler stage, helping him to dull the
pain of reality. Denial is one of the consist common defense.
mechanisms at all ages.
Denial refers to "the ability to deny the existence of
something disturbing, such as one's own anger or sexual
feelings."
4. What is projection?
There are many other defense mechanisms which develop in
early childhood. We don't have the time to discuss all of them,
but I want you to be aware that they exist in all of us. One more
that I will mention is projection, which is attributing ones own
impulses or wishes to someone else. Thus, the toddler who feels
hostile toward his brother, but does not want the uncomfortable
feelings that accompany hostile wishes, will convince himself
that it is really his brother who is angry at him. Adults who
don't have much self-worth often use projection; they become very
critical of others who have hang-ups that unconsciously remind
them of their own. This is the mechanism referred to by Christ
when He said,
Don't criticize, and then you won't be criticized. For
others will treat you as you treat them. And why worry about
a speck in the eye of a brother when you have a board in
your own? Should you say, "Friend, let me help you get that
speck out of your eye," when you cant even see because of
the board in your own? Hypocrite! First get rid of the
board, Then you can see to help your brother. Matt.7:1-5. LB
I once had as a patient, a depressed minister who couldn't
figure out why he wanted to kill himself, but was aware of the
fact that he felt very hostile toward other people who were
hypocritical and loud-mouthed. After getting into therapy with
him for a while, I discovered that he was drinking a fifth of
whiskey every day, quitting only on Sundays so he could preach
his sermons. He even went into a withdrawal seizure one Sunday
night. He travelled on week-ends to be a guest speaker at various
places, and when he did, he always found some lonely woman to
spend the night with in his motel. He also was very verbose. Yet
the couldn't tolerate others who were loud-mouthed and
hypocritical, and didn't understand what he was doing that made
him so depressed. This was a good example of projection and
helped me to understand the problem better.
5. Does the universe really revolve around your child?
In spite of all these ways that the toddler learns to lie to
himself, he matures if he is in a healthy environment, and
gradually learns that the universe does not revolve around him.
According to Piaget, "the elaboration of the universe by
sensory-motor intelligence constitutes the transition from a
state in which objects are centered about a self which believes
it directs them, although completely unaware of itself as
subject, to a state in which the self is placed, at least
practically, in a stable world conceived as independent of
personal activity."
6. Psalm 8: We are insignificant but important!
The psalmist David expressed his awe when he took a good
look at his position in the universe, and then realized that God
loved him dearly in spite of his relative insignificance. In
Psalm 8, David exclaimed:
O LORD, our Lord,
How majestic is Thy name in all the earth,
Who hast displayed Thy splendor above the heavens
From the mouth of infants and nursing babes
Thou hast established strength,
Because of Thine adversaries,
To make the enemy and the revengeful cease,
When I consider Thy heavens, the work of Thy fingers,
The moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;
What is man? that thou art mindful of him?
And the son of man, that Thou carest for him?
Yet Thou hast made him a little lower than the God;
And dost crown him with glory and majesty!
Ps.8:1-5, NASV
C. Mother Substitutes.
1. What about Daycare Centers?
Even more so than during infancy, mother substitutes during
the toddler years present a serious problem. Any prolonged
separation from the mother during this stage can result in a loss
of initiative or even the determination for survival. Many
children in America today are being farmed out to Daycare
Centers, many of which are very detrimental to the child's
ultimate mental health and outlook on life. Those Day-care
Centers that are worthwhile, have adequate staff and programming,
and are somewhat beneficial to the child, are usually so
expensive that it doesn't pay for the mother to work. An adequate
Day-care Center should have at least one well-adjusted, warm,
loving staff member for every four or five toddlers. This is the
minimum.
2. The childhood of 714 prisoners.
In 1965, the backgrounds of 546 female prisoners and 168
male prisoners were studied by distinguished London
psychiatrists. They concluded from their studies that the main
factors contributing to the eventual delinquency of the prisoners
were "multiplicity of care and lack of stable parent figures in
childhood." Many of these prisoners had also experienced the
death of one or both parents during early childhood.
3. Where are America's fathers?
Another study showed that "boys whose fathers have been away
for extended periods during their run-about-pre-school years
report more anti-social behavior than those whose fathers have
bees consistently present."
4. Parent substitutes.
Ideally, toddlers should have their mothers home with them
during the day; and both parents home to interact with on
evenings and weekends. They should also have opportunity to
interact under parental supervision with other children their
own age, such as in Sunday School and at the neighbors. The
climbing divorce rate in America is separating children from
their fathers, and in most cases the mothers are forced by
economics to go to work, so the children are also deprived of a
stable relationship with their mothers. God's Word says, "What
therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Mark
10:9, NASV). If there is a death in the family, if the young
toddler loses one or both of his paresis, then it's time for
grandparents, other close relatives, or close friends to step in
and help the toddler re-establish a close maternal, or
paternal-child relationship as soon as possible, even if the
close relative or friend involved doesn't live in the same house.
Children need two parents - that's all there is to it. If I
die while my children are still growing up, I certainly hope that
my wife will get married again to a stable, Christian man - and
the sooner the better. The Apostle Paul said, "Therefore, I want
younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and
give the enemy no occasion for reproach" (I Tim.5:14, NASV).
................
To be continued with "Preschoolers (ages three to six)"
Pre-schoolers - 3 to 6 years #10
Many things to know about!
CHILD REARING AND PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
by Paul Meier, M.D.
PRE-SCHOOLERS
(Ages Three to Six)
A. Developmental adaptations during the preschool years.
During the preschool years, rapid development takes place in
the emotional life of the child, his socialization, language, and
reasoning ability, independence, and sexual identity.
1. Emotions.
Emotions play a very important part in the life of
preschoolers. In fact emotions frequently find expression more
freely in the preschooler than in many adults who have learned to
suppress them. At about three years of age, children have many
fears, fears of animals, fears of monsters, and even fears of
"the big bad wolf." They have trouble differentiating between
fact and fantasy, and need to be reassured over and over by their
parents. Between three and four years of age, they may express
their anger in the form of temper tantrums. If you give them what
they want after a temper tantrum, they will continue to have
tantrums all their lives. But if you grab them firmly by the
shoulders and tell them to stop it, of even spank them if needed,
their temper tantrums will cease, since they will serve no useful
function. Preschoolers also experience anxiety, jealousy,
curiosity, joy, and primitive forms of love.
2. Socialization.
Again, remember that people need people, and that adults
who don't have genuine love relationships with other adults do
not have good mental health - they have loneliness, emptiness,
purposelessness, and emotional pain. So teach your child to be a
social creature by exposing him to other children his own age,
especially of the same sex. Toward the beginning of the preschool
years (age three), the child will not interact much with other
children playing in the same area. This is known as parallel
playing. But soon they will be running around together and
talking to each other more. They eventually become less self
centered, and learn to feel empathy with others. Nursery
schools, if adequately staffed, can help speed up social
development. And two or three mornings a week away from mother,
at this age, will not only do the child some good but will give
the mother a little break. Gary Collins (Gary Collins, "Man in
Transition," p.50) states that childhood playing serves at least
four useful functions: (1) it permits discharge of energy; (2) it
provides needed stimulation; (3) it helps children develop motor
skills; and (4) it enables the child to act out and learn to
understand adult roles.
3. Language and reasoning ability.
Language and reasoning ability are areas of very rapid
growth between the ages of three and six. During these years, the
child adds thousands of words to his vocabulary, and begins to be
able to reason things out concretely. However, he continues to
live in a small world in the sense that he still thinks most
events center in some way around him, and that almost all people
see things the same way he sees them.
4. Increasing independencc.
During these crucial years, the child takes great strides in
becoming more self-sufficient. He learns to feed himself and
even cut must of his own food. He learns to dress himself, with
perhaps some parental guidance on what to wear, rather than how
to put it on.
He becomes completely toilet-trained, using the bathroom
when he needs and wants to, and cleaning himself afterwards. He
becomes less dependent upon the mother socially, as he begins to
make friends. In any Christian home, a boy's best friend,
especially during these three years, should be his father.
Christian fathers should spend much time with their sons and
daughters, but especially with their sons, and mothers with their
daughters. I have heard many fathers say that they think the
quality of time is important - not the quantity. And all I can
say to that is "nonsense." A large quantity of time is essential,
and if you can improve the quality of time during that large
quantity of time, that will be even better.
5. Solidification of sexual identity.
The main reason fathers should spend quantities of time with
their sons and mothers with their daughters during the preschool
years is that these are the years in which sexual identities
become solidified. Children need a parent of the same sex to
identify with and to model themselves after. Today, it's hard to
tell a boy from a girl, and that's not right. Boys should dress
like boys and girls like girls, and that applies to their hair
styles too (2. This does not mean, however, that girls should not
play in bluejeans, and things of that nature). Although no chores
are exclusively masculine or feminine, encourage your boys to
help daddy with his chores and your girls to help mommy with
hers. This will facilitate the sexual identification process. And
remember to praise your child primarily for the quality of his
behavior and character, not for his looks.
It is also during these years that most children go through
a stage in which they think that somehow they will grow up, the
parent of the opposite sex will stay the same age, and they will
somehow replace the parent of the same sex by marrying the parent
of the opposite sex. This is known as the oedipal stage, and even
though I think it was greatly overdone by Freud and others, it
has been documented over and over again in probably a majority of
children. That's why children this age should no longer sleep
with a parent of the opposite sex, a practice that is more common
than you would think, especially in one-parent homes. Continue to
give your children of both sexes warmth and affection, but try
not to be overly stimulating to them. When they were younger,
they could follow you around when you dressed, used the restroom,
and took baths, but now politely yet matter-of-factly wean them
off these activities. The children usually won't object a great
deal, and will react by demanding privacy themselves when they do
these things. They'll understand that it is just part of growing
up.
I have seen many sons who were suffering front anxiety and
other problems because their mothers were unhappily married, or
no longer married, and had unconsciously made little husbands out
of them. I have also seen cases where this occurred between
father and daughter, such as in the case of hysteria I told you
about earlier. Children should also have friends who are of the
same sex. And when our children ask us questions about
sex-related things, the healthy thing to do is to answer them
truthfully and matter-of-factly without showing embarrassment.
Don't go on and tell them things they didn't ask for, but answer
their questions accurately and specifically. Teach them that
some things are talked about privately and done privately, but
don't become overly agitated about it. For instance, we shouldn't
allow our children at this age to run around in the yard without
any clothes on, but if our child is examining his genitals in
bed at night when we happen to walk in on him, the best thing to
do is ignore it, or politely ask him to leave his pajamas on.
B. The preschooler's role in the family.
1. Effect of birth order.
The role a child has within his own family structure will
greatly influence the development of his personality. While
there are definitely exceptions to every rule, especially in
psychiatry, there are also general trends which have been
observed in children who have different positions in the family.
This includes their order of birth. There are advatages and
disadvantages to being the oldest, a middle, or the youngest
child, and there are special disadvantages to being the only
child. Usually, more demands are placed on the oldest child, so
he becomes more of a perfectionist. As an adult, he is more
likely to achieve success in fife, but will probably enjoy it
less, and always wish he had achieved even more. 1 have already
mentioned that fifteen of the first sixteen American astronauts
were first-born. Second-born children, especially if teased by
the first-born, are sometimes more shy and polite, and try to
please everybody. From the third child on, children are
frequently less inhibited, more outgoing and extroverted, and
generally enjoy life more than the first-born, even though they
may be less successful. And the youngest child has a greater
chance of being spoiled, more dependent, and less mature,
depending a great deal on the maturity of his parents. Children
of older parents tend to be more serious-minded than children of
young parents. But again, there are exceptions to every rule.
Alfred Adler wrote extensively about positions within the
family and their importance. The Chinese have special terms of
address for persons of each position within a family, with
special status and rules for each position. A study of nineteen-
year old men in the Netherlands revealed that the first-born had
the highest I.Q. scores, and that I.Q. scores went very slowly
but definitely down as birth order progressed. The diffference
was not very great, however. Another study showed that menarch
occurs later in girls front large families than in girls from
small families.
2. Scapegoats.
Children also have various special roles within the family,
regardless of position, such as scapegoat, baby, pet, miniature
husband, and peacemaker. Unfortunately, handicapped children
some times become the scapegoat who is made fun of and rejected
by the other children of his family, especially if the other
children feel particularly inadequate themselves.
3. Roles parents play.
The different roles parents play in the family also greatly
influence the personality of each child growing up within that
family. One research study, including personality testing, was
done over a seventeen-year period on sixty-four young adults. The
project was carried out by Charles H. Rousell and Carl N. Edward
of Harvard University. Their study indicated that permissive home
atmospheres tend to produce neurotic (including hypochondriacal)
and psychotic disturbances, especially in female children. Cold,
permissive home atmospheres tend to result in sociopathic
personality disorders in young adult males. Cold, punitive homes
tend to result in the production of phobic and psychotic males.
Excessively warm, permissive homes tend to produce strong anxiety
and psychotic reactions in males.
4. General trends.
Other studies have shown that, in general, a weak father and
a weak mother, especially if physically and emotionally quite
cold, will develop children with schizophrenic tendencies. A
domineering mother and weak father will generally result in
various types of neurotic offspring. A strong-willed mother and a
strong-willed father will tend to develop overly rebellious
children. A weak mother and tyrannical father will tend to
produce insecure daughters and tyrannical sons. But a mother with
self worth, character, and genuine love, who is a co-leader in
the home, and a father who has self-worth, character, genuine
love, and makes the ultimate decisions in the home, will produce
mentally healthy children with self worth, character, and genuine
love for others.
5. Single-parent families: six million fatherless.
Another very serious problem in American society today is
the increasing number of single-parent families. They have
problems all their own, such as separation anxiety, grief, anger,
depression, loneliness, and sexual identity problems in the
children. Unfortunately, there are presently more than six
million children in the United States who are living in
fatherless homes (this was way back when this book was being
written - it is far more today in the 21st century - Keith Hunt).
An extensive study on 120 children from fatherless homes was
carried out by the Psychiatry Department of the University of
Florida. They found out that the parent-child relationships are
most impaired among "hard-core" fatherless children, meaning
those who have been without a father for two or more years. These
children are often psychotic or retarded, with severe pathology
and a fatalistic view of life. Children who have been without a
father for less than two years have fewer severe impairments than
the "hard-core" fatherless, but more problems than children who
have fathers.
There are so many Christian fathers who are failing in their
responsibilities before God that it makes me grieve. I can't
repeat enough the fact that a father's first responsibility from
God is his own family. All else comes in a distant second. Paul
said that it anyone does not provide for the needs of his own
household, he is "worse than an infidel" (I Tim.5:8).
6. Children of drug addicts.
Another rising problem in American society today is the
problem of drug addicts and the offspring they are producing. One
study showed that many babies born to drug addicts have with-
drawal symptoms at birth. Many need to be placed in foster homes.
Almost all of the children of drug addicts are reared in
fatherless homes, since most of the addicted fathers have
abandoned the mother and child. Multi-child families which fall
into this category are usually fathered by different men. Most of
the children neglected by their addicted mothers develop a
limited capacity for human relationships and have many other
permanent psychological problems.
C. Typical areas of concern regarding preschoolers.
Lets turn our attention to typical areas of concern
regarding preschoolers. These are everyday problems that we are
likely to face in our own preschoolers. I would like to discuss
both my own experiences and some research findings regarding
fourteen common problem areas for parents of preschoolers.
1. TV violence.
Psychiatric researchers at the University of Georgia
recently conducted a much-needed study on emotional reactions of
young children to TV violence. They showed three brief, violent
TV episodes to four-and five-year-old children while continuously
measuring the amount of emotional perspiration. The children were
also shown two non-violent films. As measured by their skin
resistance, the children responded more emotionally to the
violent episodes and remembered them better one week later. When
asked which of the five episodes (three violent and two
non-violent) they liked the best, they chose one of the violent
and one of the non-violent episodes, which happened to be the two
cartoons they were shown. The emotion involved with the violent
scenes appeared to be primarily fear. Violent scenes with human
characters aroused more fear than did violent scenes with cartoon
characters. The chilldren were able to recall twice as many
details about the human violence than about anything else they
saw. This implies a possible relationship between emotionality
and the storage and retrieval of information. I think the main
lesson we can learn from this and other similar studies is that
our children's minds, like our own, are in reality quite complex
computers, and what we feed into them is what will come out for
years to come. Television can be a useful thing, or it can be a
great hindrance to the emotional and spiritual maturation of our
children.
2. Handicapped children.
A recent study appearing in the "British Medical Journal"
showed that "problems which children have with particular
handicaps may well in their turn specifically affect aspects of
their development and their parents attitude towards then." Other
studies have shown that handicapped children frequently become
overly dependent, passive, and somewhat withdrawn. They also
frequently learn to get strong secondary gains from illness -
which means that thier parents and others let them have their
own way because they feel sorry for them. If you have a
handicapped child, don't deny the handicap, but encourage his
independence. And don't pity him - love him and trust his ability
to overcome the handicap and to become a responsible individual.
3. How to treat twins.
About one out of eighty six births produces twins, and about
one thirde of these are identical twin. I think twins are a
special blessing from the Lord. But having twins also gives the
parents added responsibility. The American tradition is to dress
twins alike and to have them do everything alike, so they'll be
treated fairly. But studies have shown that this is not the best
thing for them psychologically. It's best to deal with them in
terms of separate individuality. Respect differences in their
tastes and opinions. Don't reward, praise, or punish them at the
same time, but do so individually. It is better it they wear
different styles of clothing, depending on their own tastes. It
is even recommended that they attend different classes in school.
4. More on bedwetting.
Bedwetting is a very common problem during the preschool
years. Statistics show that about 88 percent quit wetting their
beds by the time they reach Four and one-half years of age, but
about 8 to 10 percent will still be wetting their beds from time
to time when they reach six years of age, and about I to 2
percent even after high school graduation. As I mentioned before,
the best thing to do is have the child clean up his own bed, as
much as is possible, without unnecessarily shaming him. Treatment
methods have already been discussed.
5. More on encopresis (soiling).
Soiling, like bedwetting, can be expected in the preschool
years. I would encourage you to remember that the normal range
for neurological readiness for toilet-training is anywhere
between one and one half and four years of age. It's not
considered abnormal, therefore, unless the child is more than
four years old. If your child is over four and still soiling from
time to time, it would be best to get treatment for him,
preferably from a child psychiatrist, who will be best equipped
to handle such a problem.
6. Thumb-sucking.
Thumb-sucking has also been discussed to some extent. Let me
say here that it is considered normal, and that about 20 percent
still suck their thumbs even after their sixth birthday. However,
if your child is over six, and still sucking his or her thumb
regularly, it is usually considered to be a sign that the child
is experiencing some anxiety; family counseling would probably be
advisable.
7. Nail-biting, nervous tics, and stuttering.
Don't worry about moderate nail-biting. About 20 percent of
college students still bite their nails. Nervous tics, however,
such as constant squinting of the eyes, various inappropriate
jerky motions, and constant clearing of the throat, are signs of
emotional conflicts requiring counseling, preferably by a trained
psychiatrist. Tics usually go away as the conflicts are
resolved? We also have medications, such as low doses of Haldol,
that will eliminate them within twenty-four hours. Haldol has
worked on my patients 100 percent of the time so far, but unless
the conflicts are resolved, the tics will return when the
medication is discontinued. Even lifelong stuttering in an adult
can be eliminated 60 percent of the time within about forty-eight
hours after taking low doses of Haldol. Stuttering in preschool
children is considered normal and should just be ignored. It
nearly always goes away by age six. The reason it is so common is
that during the preschool years, the child's knowledge and
vocabulary are increasing much more rapidly than his neurological
ability to get all those words and thoughts expressed verbally.
Becoming unduly excited about it only makes it worse, so just
ignore stuttering unless the child is over six years old.
8. Animal fears.
Animal fears are most common between the ages of three and
five. Again, they are nothing to worry about, but they do require
patience on the part of the parents who have to explain over and
over again to the child that the big bad wolf won't get him!
9. Obesity.
I've already said quite a bit about this subject. I would
advise strongly that you avoid obesity in your child at any cost.
It will greatly hamper his self worth, and limit the kind of
respect he will get from his peers. Elementary school children
are very tactless and will keep on broadcasting any defect they
see in other children. It's not right, but that's the way it is,
so let's deal with the problem realistically.
10. Warning: Daycare Centers may be hazardous to your child's
health!
I think I have already said enough for you to know my
position on Day-care Centers, Basically, it is that some are all
right for short periods of time, but most of them are
psychologically damaging to a child who stays there five days a
week, eight or nine hours a day. If you do put your child in a
Day-care Center, be sure it has warm, loving, well-trained,
multiple mother substitutes.
Freedman, Kaplan, and Sadock's Modern Synopsis of Psychiatry
states that "inadequate facilities or personnel may be
destructive to the proper psychological growth and development of
children." I think Daycare Centers should be required by the
government to have that message printed over their doors, just
like the warning on cigarettes.
11. Nightmares and night terrors.
Nightmares and night terrors are also quite common in
preschoolers. Because there are many things that a three-to
six-year-old doesn't yet understand, he spends a large portion of
his sleep-time in dreaming. Therefore, most children will have
some nightmares or night terrors. Night terrors involve thrashing
around in bed and crying out some, but unlike nightmares the
children don't wake up. In fact, you may have a hard time waking
them up during a night terror even if you shake them hard. Most
children have them for only a short period of time; they go away
as the conflicts become resolved. Medications can be given to
eliminate night tenors during this period of time, but usually
aren't necessary. I would recommend that you keep a nightlight in
your preschooler's room, so he can see that there aren't any
animals or bogeymen. If your child comes to your bed at night
after a nightmare, he should be taken back to his own bed and
calmly spoken to a few moments. Sleepwalking is also common in
young children, and is nothing to worry about if they stay in the
house! Medications can stop this also.
12. The housing problem.
It might seem strange that I would list the type of housing
a person lives in as a preschool problem, but it is just that. We
lived in an apartment during college, graduate school, medical
school, and psychiatric training, but I don't recommend apartment
living for preschoolers or older children either for that matter,
and I have statistics to back up my personal prejudices. Douglas
Hooper found that apartment dwellers are more transient in their
occupations and life-styles and that adults and children who live
in private homes have much less mental illness than adults and
children living in apartment complexes. As I said, though our
family lived in an apartment, we moved into a house as soon as my
schooling was completed.
13. Childhood depression.
I have seen a number of cases of childhood depression.
Frequently it follows the loss of a loved object, a divorce, the
death of a parent, or the transfer of a father overseas. Weekly
counseling sessions usually meet with success. I also like to
facilitate counseling by using low doses of Tofranil, an
antidepressant medication, if the depression seems very serious.
Childhood depression is usually manifested by social withdrawal,
prolonged sadness, and either a marked increase or decrease in
activity level.
14. How to reduce stress in preschoolers.
Stress is something people have at every age. Some of it is
good for us, and necessary for our psychological development.
Preschoolers have many adjustments to make, and are developing
rapidly between the dependent toddler stage and the independent
school-age stage. Simple events like going to Sunday School, to
the pediatrician or to the dentist, moving into a new home,
having a new baby brother or sister, can all be very stressful
for a preschool child. As a matter of fact, going to the dentist
is usually quite stressful for me! The best way we, as parents,
can reduce these stresses for our children is to prepare them for
these events by talking about them ahead of time in words that
children will understand. Always be truthful. It can even be
distressing for children to go to sleep at night, only to wake up
to find a strange babysitter there and their parents gone. We
always tell our children when we are going out, even if they will
be asleep before the babysitter comes, so they won't be
surprised.
................
To be continued with "From age Six to Eighteen: General
Principles - Spiritual Development."
Child-Rearing and Personality Development #11
Spiritual Development
CHILD-REARING AND PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
by Dr.Paul Meier
PART FOUR
FROM AGE SIX TO EIGHTEEN - GENERAL PRINCIPLES
SPIRITUAL Development
Michelangelo, the famous Italian sculptor, painter,
architect, and poet of over four hundred years ago, is reported
to have made the statement: "As the marble wastes, the sculpture
grows." This statement not only applies literally to the
development of a piece of sculpture, but also abstractly to the
psychological and spiritual development of our children. Nearly
three thousand years ago, King Solomon, under the inspiration of
God, wrote the statement, "Train up a child in the way he should
go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Prow.2:6).
It has already been stated in this book that approximately
85 percent of the adult personality is already formed by the time
the individual reaches his sixth birthday. After the sixth
birthday, all we can do is chip away at the last 15 percent of
unchipped marble in an attempt to sculpt our children into ideal
Christian young adults.
(I think that statement of 85 percent being over by age is six,
is TOTALLY WRONG - just is not true at all - with God's help ALL
KINDS of good can be done with your children AFTER age six -
Keith Hunt)
By age eighteen, they should be ready to be out of the
house, just as a young robin is shoved out of its nest by its
mother, trusting as she does in her offspring's God-given ability
to make its way in the world on its own two wings. But during
those twelve years from the sixth to the eighteenth birthdays, a
lot of psychological and spiritual struggles can take place in
the family - and most of them are totally unnecessary. The best
way to make it easy on ourselves as parents during this
twelve-year period (six to eighteen) is to love and discipline
our children effectively during those crucial first six years of
life (Again this emphasis on the first six years is totally
wrong, it helps yes, but many good improvements can take place for
your children after age six - Keith Hunt).
What I intend to do in this section is to discuss ways that
we, as parents, can mold that other 15 percent of our children's
personalities. We will discuss the problems older children face,
and the most effective ways we, as parents, can help our children
through these problems. But as I just stated, by age six we
should be knocking away at those final chips of inappropriate
marble in an attempt to complete a beautiful work of art. Our
primary concern must remain the ultimate inner beauty of
character rather than the outward appearances. If your
six-year-old isn't 85 percent completed yet, you had better get
busy!
(Again, a lot can be done to shape your child in the first six
years, but it is FAR from being lost or only 15 percent left to
work with after age six - Keith Hunt)
A. The elementary school years.
1. Identification.
Most children are quite cooperative (during these years.
They want to please their parents and teachers and adopt the
morals of their parents. "They continue to identify with the
parent of the same sex, learning both his good and bad habits.
Healthy and unhealthy communications between the parents
themselves greatly affect the child's own self-worth. A father
who is critical of his wife unknowingly is also tearing down the
self-confidence of his daughters, and the same applies to mothers
who criticize their husbands.
2. The budding conscience.
The conscience continues to grow during these years, and the
identification with the parent of the same sex strengthens the
child's self-control because he has a model to copy. He continues
to reason concretely until about the age of eleven, when, if
properly educated, he can begin to reason out abstract concepts.
I believe it is definitely possible for many six-year-olds to
have enough of a conscience to experience a genuine repentance
for their sins and acceptance of Jesus Christ as lord and Savior.
I have led a number of six-year-olds to the Lord, and I myself
was six years old when I put my faith in Christ. As they grow
older, their salvation experience will take on new meaning as
they learn many of the abstract concepts involved, but all a
person needs for salvation is expressed in the simple
exhortation: "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be
saved" (Acts 16:31).
(I do know a child of six can have an acceptance with God and
Christ - it may be somewhat immature, but they can feel the
basics, more training and time is needed to bring them to full
maturity in the Christian life, but if the help is there from
parents, school, and relatives, who are mature Christians, then
the seed bed is indeed fertile at age six - Keith Hunt)
3. The total devotional atmosphere.
I would encourage you as parents to create a total
devotional atmosphere in your home. By this, I do not mean having
your family sit in a corner praying all day. I mean loving,
communicating, playing with, your children, exhibiting the fruits
of the Spirit, and having some good sacred music on from time to
time, geared to the age of your children. This should not be to
the exclusion of good secular music as well. I don't believe we
can separate our lives into secular and sacred. I believe every
part of our lives is sacred - even going to the baseball game and
eating hot dogs! Some people are so heavenly-minded that they are
no earthly good.
Have family devotions together. This is a must. And make it
quite brief for children in this age group or it will become a
torture to endure rather than a happy time of sharing Christ with
each other. Mealtimes are good times for family devotions, but be
creative. Buy your children Christian story books to supplement
some good secular books. Reward them for memorizing Bible verses,
but select verses which are short and understandable to the
child. I decided on my own to start having daily Bible reading
when I was ten years old, and I've been doing so ever since.
There was no pressure on me from my parents to read my Bible
every day, since we had family devotions together every day. But
they had prepared me during the first ten years of my life to
such a point that when the Spirit of God moved me to begin
personal devotions, I was willing and eager to obey. Fathers,
take your sons hiking and fishing, and discuss godly children in
the Bible, like little Samuel, Hannah's son. Mothers, go shopping
with your daughters and discuss the shopping techniques of the
godly woman in Proverbs 31. Buy something together for someone
else in the household, or for someone in need. Don't sit around
at home watching soap operas. I believe soap operas are a
contributing factor to mental illness in American housewives
today.
4. Christian camps.
Christian camps are a good outside influence on the
spiritual development of our children. I worked at Pine Cove Camp
in Tyler, Texas, one summer while I was still in medical school.
It was a marvellous experience. My wife and I didn't have any
children of our own as yet, so we were able to devote ourselves
to the children at the camp during the week, and to each other on
week-ends. Pine Cove has the philosophy that if you wear a child
out all day by letting him have some good old-fashioned fun, then
he will listen to a brief but effective gospel message late in
the evening around a campfire. That was really effective.
Hundreds are saved each summer and many more rededicate their
lives to the Lord. I prefer this type of camp to those in which
the children are forced to study the Bible all day and wish they
were at home playing baseball.
5. Your choice of church environment for your children: A major
factor.
The church you take your family to is even more important. I
have already mentioned some of the characteristics of a
psychologically and spiritually healthy local church. I would
refer you to the writings of Getz, Stedman, and Watchman Nee for
what I consider a psychologically and spiritually sound church
(see bibliography). Allow me to mention a newspaper article I
once read. It was about a man in Memphis, Tennessee, who was
suing a local church because his son had been terrified by the
preacher's assertion that any boy with hair below the ears was
definitely going to hell to burn forever. So the boy went forward
when the invitation was given and a lady at the front of the
church hacked his hair off with a scissors. The poor boy was so
frightened that his nose bled most of that afternoon. When asked
about the incident, the minister replied, "But I didn't start it,
the Lord did - and it works." Well it may work for him, but it
doesn't work for me! The Lord told us to go into all the world
and spread the gospel, not our own personal hang-ups! The Bible
has to be our firm foundation and practical Christianity, our way
of life. A healthy church can be one of the must useful
influences in the emotional and spiritual development of our
children, and a healthy church stands on three legs, like a
tripod: (1) a sound doctrinal leg, (2) an evangelistic leg; and
(3) a relational leg, will, genuine sharing and intimate love
among the members of that local body of believers.
6. Right and wrong.
Hartshorne and May have conducted a series of experiments on
the moral development of children. Their experiments revealed
that even though children learn more and more about what is right
and wrong as they grow older, they also grow increasingly
deceptive. They found that children who were honest in certain
situations were dishonest in others. Children with lower
intelligence, with emotional instability, or from lower
socio-economic environments also lagged behind in moral
development. One of their most significant findings was that
children who were enrolled in Sunday Schools (Sabbath schools to
us 7th day observers - Keith Hunt) showed significantly better
conduct in the areas of honesty, cooperation, persistence, and
inhibition of undesirable behavior.
7. Piaget's findings on moral development.
Jean Piaget's studies of moral development in children
showed that moral behavior is learned. It makes me angry when I
hear liberal psychiatrists and theologians saying that children
are born good and society teaches them how to be bad. It's the
other way around. They are born with a sinful nature (well with a
nature that can sin is a better way to put it - Keith Hunt) and
we have to teach them to deny their selfish impulses and to be
good, using both rewards and punishments. Child psychiatrists do
this and call it "behavior modification," or the use of "positive
and negative reinforcements." These are just big words for what
healthy parents do when they praise their children for being good
and spank them or warn them for being bad. Solomon tells us that
"foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of
correction shall drive it far from him" (Prov.22:15). Solomon
knew about behavior modification three thousand years ago, and he
learned it from Moses, who wrote about it five hundred years
before that!
(Remember the "general statement" truth of the Bible. See my
study on that. There are many ways to correct children, and the
physical "rod" of spanking is not always the best way, especially
as the child gets older - Keith Hunt)
The six-year-old child continues to adopt the conscience of
his parents as his own, primarily to gain parental approval and
partially out of fear of punishment. At age twelve or thirteen,
the morals of his peers will take over in the areas where
parental example left off. He will choose the peers who most
closely resemble him in character development. Train your child
adequately in the first six years of life and you need not fear
whom he will choose for his friends when he becomes a teenager.
Parents like to blame their teenager's behavior on his peers, but
this is nearly always an excuse to relieve their own personal
guilt.
(It has to be trained in them AFTER age six - believing up to age
six is the key for whom they will have as friends, is wrong, up
to age six is not the gold-mine of locking in your child's
choosing of friends and other good or bad habits. Training
children is an 18 year job for all parents - Keith Hunt)
B. Those teenage years.
1. Are our teenagers really going to ruin?
Many adults think America's teenagers are going to ruin!
Well, many of them are, but many of them aren't! In May of 1974,
a Gallup Poll cane out noting that "seldom in history have the
American people so craved moral and spiritual leadership as they
do today. All signs point to the fact that religion is gaining a
new intellectual respectability in this country." Pollster George
Gallup Jr.went on to say, "The assumption that the educated
person 'needs' religion less, and is more ready to discard
religion as a product of ignorance and superstition, is not borne
out by survey findings." Referring to America's young people,
Gallup stated that "survey evidence strongly suggests that these
groups could well be in the vanguard of religious renewal in this
country." He added that "church attendance is as high - if not
higher - among persons with a college background than among
persons with less formal education." Many educated Christian
young people are at the same time hostile to organized religion
in general, and I have to admit that I feel the same way about
many of the failures of organized religion in this generation. I
think that most of Satan's biggest projects are being carried out
by various sections of organized religion.
Gallup compared his poll to polls carried out in other
nations, and concluded that "the religious character of American
youth stands out in bold relief when our young people are
compared will, the youth of other nations of the world." The
United States had the lowest percentage of atheists among its
youths - less than 1 percent, compared to 10 percent in France
and 12 percent in Sweden. Only 12 percent of American youth say
they have "no interest" in religion, compared to 92 percent in
Great Britain, 41 percent in Sweden, and 74 percent in Japan?
It's not surprising to me that Sweden and Japan are neck-and-neck
in a race for the highest suicide rate among teenagers. I think
the only reason Sweden is beating Japan is Sweden's atmosphere of
total permissiveness and lack of discipline, whereas Japan's
youth still have relatively good discipline, though almost no
Christian influence. Gallup concluded that "American youth are
not only exceptionally religious when compared to the youth of
other nations but also put a higher premium on "love and
sincerity" as a goal in life and less on "money and position."
(And all of that has not changed that much in this first decade
of the 21st century. The USA is still very religious compared to
other nations of the Western world. Britain has only about 3
percent of its population that attend church on a regular basis,
the USA is still over 50 percent, and in the 70 percent range for
people who say they do believe there is a God, and angels - Keith
Hunt)
2. The search for identity.
Teenagers naturally develop strong interests in ideals and
ideologies as they search for personal identity. While in this
stage of development, they are extremely ripe for spiritual
commitments, even though Christianity may have bored them
previously. They have a powerful need to strengthen their
consciences, and begin to look for reasons and meanings in life.
I was only sixteen years old when I made one of the biggest
decisions of my life. I was already a Christian from a godly
home, but was still struggling with what I wanted out of life. I
had feelings of guilt, and feelings of confusion about what
career to prepare myself for. I felt like a ship trying to go
somewhere without a rudder; and even if I had had a rudder, I
still wouldn't have known where to head the ship. I asked a man
in our local church for some help. He seemed so confident, so
sure of himself. And he was for real! That man was Dr.Bob
Schindler, who later became a missionary surgeon to Africa. Dr.
Schindler offered me a very simple answer that gave new direction
to my life. He simply encouraged me to learn Proverbs 8:5-6, then
meditate on it awhile. I was ripe for that passage of Scripture:
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine
own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall
direct thy paths." I was a Christian, but I hadn't been
acknowledging Him in all my ways, and I was certainly leaning on
my own understanding. Alone in my bed that night, about midnight,
with tears in my eyes, I committed my entire life to Jesus Christ
- a decision I still stand on and have never regretted. When I
quit struggling and finally rested in Christ, He started showing
me the answers I was looking for - and He gave me a real peace.
And so I know from experience that the teenage years are ripe for
spiritual development.
3. The spiritual climate of the home: some Jewish traditions.
I would again encourage you to create a total spiritual
atmosphere in the family, with emphasis on positive
communications between parents and teenagers. If you have the
right kind of discipline in the home, nagging will be totally
unnecessary. Alter you have read this book, talk with others
about some creative ways in which to develop a healthy spiritual
climate in your home.
There is one possibility I would like all of you at least to
consider. Jewish people have a religious and family tradition
that I think has great potential for emotional and spiritual
development. I think we should consider using a similar custom in
Christian homes.
When a Jewish child teaches his thirteenth birthday,
entering the teenage years, Jewish families have a big ceremony
known as "Bar Mitzvah" for boys, and "Bar Mitzvah" for girl
(meaning "son" or "daughter of the commandments"). They invite
all the relatives and close friends to this ceremony, and declare
the child a young adult, with increased responsibilities as well
as increased freedoms. The parents make a verbal contract with
the child, which varies with the creativity of the parents.
I plan to have a similar ceremony for my children when they
reach age thirteen. I probably won't give it any special name,
but if I would I'd probably call it something like "Son of
Responsibility" or "Daughter of Responsibility." I'll write out a
contract with my child, giving him some new freedoms along with
some new chores and family responsibilities. I will probably
agree not to spank him any more, because I think spanking is fine
for younger children, but is somewhat degrading for teenagers. I
personally prefer punishing teenagers with consequences related
to the offense. I will remind my child of his or her best
responsibilities before the Lord also, and encourage him to make
some personal commitments to the Lord, perhaps in the form of
personal devotions. But I'll truss him to make these decisions on
his own, so they will be his commitments rather than mine. I will
invite some relatives and close friends of the family, as well as
some of his own friends he warns to come. I won't allow anyone to
bring gifts to this birthday party. It has too many emotional and
spiritual implications to get then all contused with
materialistic gain. I have a Jewish friend who hated his Bar
Mitzvah because everybody brought expensive gilts and had a wild
time, almost totally ignoring him and the significance of the
event.
Anyway, this is merely a suggestion that I would like you to
consider. I think it would have the additional value of reminding
the parents that their child is growing up. Parents frequently
forget this fact and continue treating their teenagers as though
they were little children. Teenagers can reason like adults, even
though they are less mature; our communications with them should
show not only our love but also our respect for them as young
adults.
4. Finally! A faith of their own.
I would like to mention some spiritual developments that
typically take place either in the latter teenage years, or early
twenties. Before the teenage years, children generally accept
everything the parents say as truth, and their religious beliefs
are largely the religious beliefs of their parents. But luring
the late teens or early twenties, the individual's greatest need
is to feel independent of his parents. Paul Tournier, in his book
entitled "The Whole Person in a Broken World," describes this
stage in the life of a young person as taking off the "coat" of
his parents and morality and "knitting" a coat of his own - at a
time when he is basically insecure about his own ability to do
so. Tournier states that:
this crisis is necessary and normal. Before he attains adult
maturity the young man must go through this time of storm
and stress when he has to subject everything to question.
The day will come when he will discover again many of the
treasures of his childhood, when he will return to the faith
in which he grew up and the principles which were inculcated
in him. For they were true, and life sees to it that he
rediscovers them. But then he will give them a quite
personal turn; he will profess then, as his own convictions,
based upon his innermost experience. In psychology, this is
called integration.
(All that is just wishful thinking, and does not amount to a hill
of beans. Many do NOT accept the faith of their parents in this
world today as they go into adulthood. This does not mean you
should not bring them up in the truths of God. It is just making
sure you have the reality check. If God does not "call" them to
His word and truths, do not automatically expect they will just
fall into them when they are adults. See my study "Called
and Chosen - When?" - Keith Hunt)
I think this observation helps me to understand what Solomon
was saying when he was inspired to write, "Train up a child in
the way he should go, and when he is old, lie will not depart
from it" (Prov.22:6). Solomon doesn't say the individual won't
go through some doubts somewhere in the middle years, but simply
that "when he is old, he will not depart from it."
(This verse by Solomon has been very misunderstood by many in
Christianity. The truth of the matter is, if you have been around
long enough, MANY do not accept the faith of their parents, or do
not ever come to repentance, or serve the way of the Eternal God.
Many do NOT enter the "church" and die as un-Christian people.
This is just the simple fact of life if you have been around the
"church" long enough.
Solomon was using a "general statement" - that is all. And
general statements can have many exceptions. The book of Proverbs
is loaded with general statement. If you have not done so, you
need to see and study my study called "An IMPORTANT Key." Without
knowing this key to correct understanding of the Bible, you can
be led off into all kinds of false ideas. Many have "given up the
faith" because of wrong ideas about the Bible and God, in part by
not understanding the Bible's use of "general statements - Keith
Hunt)
I didn't have any significant doubts about Christianity
until I was in graduate school at Michigan State University at
the age of twenty-two. Then I began to wonder whether I believed
Christianity simply because I was reared in a Christian home.
This a logical question to ask. So I studied other religions,
Bible prophecy, and archaeology, and came to the conclusion that
Christ really is God, and the Bible really is God's Word to
mankind. I renewed my vows to God, and my faith was eventually
strengthened because it had become my own faith, not merely the
faith of my parents. I believe I was genuinely converted when I
was six years old and put my simple faith in Christ.
(He may have had a child acceptance of God and the Bible, so did
I, at age 6, but being truly converted at age 6 .... no I do not
think so - true conversion is much deeper than a 6 year old can
understand - Keith Hunt)
But when I was sixteen, I had more mature ways of looking it
things, so my faith took on new and exciting meanings when I
committed my life to Christ. And then, by the time I got to
graduate school, I had exercised the scientific method of
approaching things to such an extent that I needed a revamping
and revitalizing of my faith. By the time I got through medical
school and into psychiatric training, my faith was so well
founded that I felt confident in discarding any psychiatric
principle that in any way disagreed with Scripture.
(He has now shown that true deep understandable conversion and
repentance is much more than a 6 year old can understand - of
course we are not talking about Christ Jesus at age 6, He was an
exception, filled with the Spirit at conception, and the Spirit,
it is written, was not given by measure to Him - Keith Hunt)
I'm secure in the Lord, and I'm glad I went through
those maturations at ages sixteen and twenty-two, even though
they were somewhat painful at the time. It's somewhat amazing
that after each struggle, my doctrinal trends were almost
exactly the same as what they were when I accepted the Lord at
age six.
(That proves nothing really. I doubt Dr.Meier knows much of the
truths of God as they really are in the Bible. I had some truths
of God as a child reading my Bible, but certainly not all of
them. I grew into many more at age 18, when God decided to reveal
them to me - Keith Hunt)
That's what Solomon is talking about in Proverbs 22:6.
(It is and it is not - Solomon is talking about a "generality" -
which has many exceptions - Keith Hunt).
In his book, "The God Who There" Francis Schaeffer
emphasizes the need to ground our children in the Word of God and
teach then why we believe what we believe. He says we must
"communicate Christianity in a way that any given generation can
understand." If we as parents, as well as the youth leaders of
our local churches, communicate a living Christianity to our
teenagers, along will proofs for why we believe the Bible, we
greatly ease this normal maturing process for our teenagers when
they go through it -- and they will go through it, I promise you.
(Yes of course we as Christian parents must still teach our
children in the right way, what true Christianity is all about,
all parts of it, then we pray our children will want to continue
in that truth as well as growing in it all. But there is no
guarantee they will - the calling must still come from God -
Keith Hunt)
5. The area of temptations.
There are many other topics we could discuss concerning the
spiritual development of teenagers, but I would like to discuss
just our more briefly. That is the area of temptations. We have
already discussed temptations in some detail earlier in this
book, but this is such an important struggle, especially in the
teenage years, that I would like to share with you a few
additional passages of Scripture on the subject. God inspired
John to write, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my
children walk in truth" (3 John 4). He also wrote, "Sanctify them
through thy truth: thy word is truth" (John 17:17). John promises
our teenagers that they can overcome the world, stating, "For
whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the
victory that overcometh the world, even our faith" (I John 5:4).
But how will our teenagers get that kind of faith? Paul
says, "So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word
of God" (Rom.10:17). In other words, our teenagers need a vital
exposure to the Word of God. In his second letter to Timothy, who
was probably a teenager when Paul converted him in the city of
Lystra, Paul wrote:
"But continue than in the things which thou hast learned and
hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned
them: and that from a child thou hast known the holy
Scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation
through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All scripture is
given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine,
for reproof, for correction, for instruction in
righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect
[Greek word "artios," implying emotional and spiritual
maturity or completeness], thoroughly furnished into all
good works" 2 Tim.3:14-17.
The psalmist David writes:
"Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way, by taking
heed thereto according to thy word. With my whole heart have
I sought thee: O let me not wander from the commandments.
Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin
against thee" Ps.119:9-11.
Our teenagers are not fighting the battle alone, though! God
promises to fight the battle for them if they will yield
themselves totally to Him. James, Christ's brother, wrote,
"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he
will flee from you" (James 4:7). And we are also promised,
"Greater is he [Christ] that is in you, than he [Satan] that is
in the world" (I John 4:4). If the teenager isn't sure if
something is right or wrong, he is instructed, "Beloved, believe
not every spirit, but try the spirits, whether they are of God"
(I John 4:1). A good rule of thumb I followed when I was a
teenager is, "When in doubt, don't!" And teenagers should also
realize that God never tempts them to sin.
This is a popular misconception. James told us, "Let no man
say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be
tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is
tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed"
(James 1:13-14). So God doesn't tempt us, He delivers us. And
Peter told us, "The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of
temptations" (2 Peter 2:9).
If our teenagers can make it through these rough years, and
continue to mature in the Lord, they will have accomplished much.
Or rather, I should say that they have allowed God to accomplish
much in their lives. They will reap tremendous rewards in the
form of self-worth and self confidence. The Apostle John tells
us, "Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we
confidence toward God. And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him,
because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are
pleasing in his sight" (I John 3:21-2?).
.................
NOTE:
As parents we must always be willing to learn HOW to be better
parents in all parts of teaching, helping, serving, loving,
guiding, our children. It is an art to be the right kind of Godly
parents to our children. And yes we do need to learn from others
that went down that road of parenting before us. Through much
experience, time, and learning the hard way, for many, you can
find very good books of instruction on how to be the best
balanced Christian parents. You need to find those books and also
seek good instruction from others who have raised children and
have many things to pass on to you, both in the positive and the
negative - good things to do and bad things not to do, especially
when it comes to the "spiritual" side of their life. If you do
not lead and teach in the right way, you can have them running
from God and the Bible. If you lead correctly in the spiritual
side of life, you may have a good chance your children will
accept God, the Bible, and grow in grace and knowledge. But the
bottom line of that side of life is still the CALLING of God, but
you need to make sure you do not get in the way of that calling,
by doing and saying the wrong things at the wrong time.
Spiritual guiding of anyone, including your children, is a
serious matter. Take it seriously, but search out the good and
correct way to accomplish it all, in balance, mercy, and love.
Keith Hunt
Elementary School Years #12
Various guidance for 6 to 12 year old children
CHRISTIAN CHILD-REARING AND PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
by Paul D. Meier, M.D.
THOSE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YEARS (Ages Six to Twelve)
A. Developmental adaptations during the elementary school
years.
1. Adjusting to school.
If a child has been adequately prepared, and has developed
sufficient independence from his mother, going to school for the
first time will be more of a fulfillment than a fear. Parents can
make first grade easier by giving their four-year-old some
part-time nursery school experience, then giving their
five-year-old half-days in kindergarten before placing their
six-year-old in a full-time first grade. Unfortunately, some
elementary school children have to be bussed across town,
frequently spending an extra hour or more in a hot or cold bus
traveling to and from school. I would avoid this if at all
possible. The ideal situation would be to send elementary school
children to a good, nearby Christian elementary school, where
effective discipline is more likely to be upheld and where
students learn Christian character as well as how to read and
write. I would not send my children to a Christian school that
has poor teachers, however. I would take special pains to check
out my child's first-grade teachers, Christian or non-Christian,
since they will affect the way he initially looks at the
education process in general.
Many children, especially boys, are somewhat late in the
maturation of their nervous systems, particularly in the areas of
brain responsible for reading and writing. Many boys, and some
girls, will have some minor learning disabilities, like seeing or
writing letters backwards, until the nerves associated with such
activities are completely myelinated - that is, until they are
covered with a fatty sheath, like the insulation around
electrical wires. A hostile teacher can be critical of these
children and make them feel stupid, in spite of the fact that
most of them have average or better than average intelligence.
In fact, Albert Einstein was one of these late developers. Once a
child is labeled stupid, it's hard to live it down. So it's
important that the first-grade teather be a loving, understanding
teacher and at the same time a firm disciplinarian. Once I get to
know the teacher, I won't hesitate in the least to give her
permission to spank my child if he disobeys. If he complains
about it when he gets home, he's likely to get another one from
me, depending on the circumstances. It's important for the child
to see the teacher and parents as a united front.
2. Sexual development.
During the elementary school years, the child identifies
strongly with significant persons in his environment. He
identifies strongly with the parent of the same sex - if that
parent makes himself available. This is essential for normal
sexual development. He also identifies with other persons of the
same sex. Hero worship is to be expected at this age, so it's
important to provide the child with appropriate heroes. Parents
can do this indirectly by praising certain individuals, such as
athletes, ministers, and Bible heroes, with whom they would like
the child to identify. Tell him whom he was named after and why,
and tell him the meaning of his name.
Dr.Eugene McDanald states that for a child, "there is no
such thing as an irrelevant encounter with persons. His
identification with persons is a vital process that determines
what he becomes, and the quality of this becoming is dependent on
the qualities of the persons he encounters." MaDanald adds
further that "if the attitudes of others that become part of the
child reflect tendencies toward self affirmation and self-
renunciation compatible with self-respect and respect for others,
they become an arch to new experience."
It is vitally important for boys to identify with males and
for girls to identify with females. Without such identificaton
the child may become a homosexual or a lesbian, if the problem is
severe, or have sexual maladjustments in marriage if the problem
is less severe. It's unfortunate that we don't have more male
elementary school teachers. So many boys go through life with
either no father or an absent father, female school teachers,
female Sunday School teachers, female babysitters, and so forth.
It's no wonder that homosexuality is far more common in males
than in females. I would strongly recommend that church leaders
provide male Sunday School teachers for elementary boys and
female Sunday School teachers for elementary school girls. This
will provide both groups someone positive to identify with both
sexually and spiritually. During the elementary school years,
boys develop a contemptous attitude toward girls and girlish
things. Nearly all boys and girls have some wishes at times of
being the opposite sex, so they develop this healthy contempt to
repress those wishes during these years. Both sexes need to see
the advantages of being what they are, and that each sex has its
own distinct advantages.
Sex education is also important for elementary school
children, and the best place for sex education is in the home. It
should be done little by little, over the years, by answering
questions that the child asks, and nothing more. But be sure to
answer his questions truthfully, using adult terms, and
niatter-of-factly. A child of average maturity should know all
the facts of life by the time he is ten or eleven years of age.
Menstruation should also be explained quite early to
elementary school girls because the normal range for the onset of
menses is anywhere from nine to sixteen years old, with the
average being about thirteen years of age in the United States.
Onset of puberty in boys is generally a little later -
usually around thirteen to fifteen years of ages That's why
seventh-grade girls are frequently bigger than boys.
3. Social development.
During the elementary school years, the child develops a
real sense of belonging. Group participation, especially with
Christian children, should be encouraged. He also develops a real
sense of responsibility as he shares the chores with his older
brothers and sisters. The sense of belonging and responsibility
are prerequisites to the development of leadership potential in
the child. He must learn to obey before he can learn to lead
effectively. His self-concept continues to develop as he sees
himself through the eyes of his peers, and also through the eyes
of his parents and other authority figures.
Play among children of this age group - be it football,
basketball, or baseball - is characterized by poor organization,
heated disputes over the rules, lopsided scores, and accusations
of cheating. They like to win, but must also learn teamwork - the
precious ability to work together in a common cause with fellow
human beings. They also like to play marbles for keeps and
exchange count books. I would encourage you to buy your
elementary school children some Christian comic books, which are
available front the Fleming H.Revell Publishing Company and can
be ordered at your local Christian book store. This will give
your children a good opportunity to witness to other children
about Christ. They're not too young to learn witnessing.
B. Disciplining your elementary school child.
I have been amazed in the past at how many Christians do not
know what the Bible says about disciplining children. When I ask
them what they think the correct way of disciplining is, many of
my client directly contradict God's recommendations in Scripture.
I could quote many verses on discipline, but I think Solomon's
wise recommendations in Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:13, and 29:15
are adequate to give the general idea. I do think we should
analyze Solomon's instructions in light of what the Apostle Paul
says in Ephesians, where he writes, "And fathers, do not provoke
your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord" (Eph.6:4, NASV). The only means of
discipline for young children mentioned in the Bible, to the best
of my knowledge, are the rod and reproof (e.g., Proverbs 29:15).
That doesn't mean that other forms of discipline shouldn't also
be exercised, but I think it does mean that spanking with a stick
and giving verbal reproofs should be the primary disciplinary
tools with young children. Not only that, but according to
Ecclesiastes 8:11 the sentence against an evil deed should be
executed quickly. For a mother to tell her child that when his
father gets home, his father will spank him for what he just did
is definitely wrong, both scripturally and psychiatrically. It's
wrong scripturally because this is not executing the discipline
quickly - it's postponing it. It's wrong psychiatrically for two
reasons.
First, the average attention span of an elementary school
child is about five to fifteen minutes, and by the time his
father gets home and spanks him, he will have forgotten what it
was that he did wrong. Even if the father reminds him of what it
was, the spanking will have lost its effectiveness. Among the
many studies confirming this, Ivan Pavlov's studies on dogs merit
special attention. Pavlov rang a bell whenever he brought his
dogs food. Soon, instead of waiting until they smelled the food,
they learned to salivate as soon as they heard the bell. And
whenever Pavlov punished the dogs for doing certain things, they
soon learned not to do those things in order to avoid the pain.
If your pet dog wets on your carpet, do you tell him that he is
going to be punished several hours later when your husband gets
home? Of course not! You hit him with your hand or newspaper, and
put him outside the door. Well, it's just as useless to tell a
child his father will spank him several hours later for something
he just did.
Second, delaying punishment until the father comes home is
wrong because it separates the child from his father. Many women,
in fact, unconsciously or even consciously use this technique
exactly for this purpose - to separate the son or daughter from
the father in order to win the child's undivided affection, thus
setting up a neurotic relationship. This also makes the child
think of his father as the sole disciplinarian, and will
influence him as an adult to have a very legalistic view of what
God is really like. This is so because no matter how much we read
the Bible, our overall view of what God is like is to a large
degree colored by how we viewed our own father during our
childhood. If you grew up without any male authority figures, you
will tend to think there isn't any God. It you have become a
women's liberationist you might even think of God as a woman. The
father and mother must stand together in the disciplining of
their children, and the task of disciplining should be carried
out by whoever saw the child disobey and can most quickly reprove
or spank him.
A verbal reproof is frequently all that is necessary,
especially if the child is committing a particular offense for
the first time. Sometimes a verbal reproof followed by sending
the child to his room to think it over for five minutes will be
effective. But I think isolating a child for long periods of time
eventually falls into the category of provoking the child to
anger, because after about fifteen minutes, he will either forget
or misunderstand what it is that he is being punished for.
Spanking is short and immediate, and ten or fifteen minutes later
the child will get over any anger he might have felt toward the
parent who spanked him. When I spank my own child, he sometimes
will be angry with me initially, but within five or ten minutes
he almost always comes back to me and says, "I'm sorry, daddy. I
love you."
I allow my child to tell me that he is angry, but if he hits
me, throws something at me, or shows any disrespect, I spank him
again. If you don't demand respect when a child is young, you
won't get any respect - or deserve any, for that matter - when
your child gets into his teens. And you certainly don't want your
son to hit you back when he's bigger than you are! My father is
5'6" tall, and I'm 6'4 and 1/2". I was bigger than my dad by the
time I was thirteen or fourteen years old. But I never dared
speak impudently to my father in any way - I wouldn't even think
of it, then or now. I still shudder if I think about saying
something disrespectful to my dad, and I'm certain it is because
he "shuddered" me a few times with a stick when I said something
disrespectful at the age of two or three. And I can't imagine any
father and son being closer to each other than my father and I
are right now. I have thanked him a number of times for every
spanking he gave me - except for one I didn't deserve, and I
forgave him for that one.
An excellent book to read on disciplining children, in my
opinion, is "Dare to Discipline" by James Dobson. He emphasizes
demanding respect, spanking for willful acts of disobedience, and
the fact that every child is different. Some children want
parental approval so much that a look of scorn brings repentance.
A child like that requires very few spankings.(And maybe none at
all - I've met such parents and children so pliable no spanking
was needed, but their Mom or Dad being upset with them, would
bring true tears of sorry - Keith Hunt). But others are born with
more spirit and less concern for parental approval. For a child
like this, many spankings for the same offense may be necessary
before he finally decides that that particular type of behavior
isn't profitable for him. And when you spank him, spank him hard
enough so he'll feel it. It used to take quite a hard spanking to
get my older son to cry, but after he turned three he cried
whenever he saw me go after the stick. He's the spirited type,
and required quite a few spankings when he was two years old; but
after he turned three, he seldom needed one. I am very pleased
with his overall attitude of love, respect and obedience.
Parents frequently tell me that spanking simply doesn't work for
their child, but I say it will work for any child unless he is
severely mentally retarded. But you have to be consistent, the
parents have to stick together, and the spanking has to hurt; and
it may need to be repeated a number of times for the same
offense. I am not advocating bruising the child; in fact I
consider slapping his face or hitting him with a fist to be child
abuse and provoking him to wrath (see Eph.6:4). But remember the
words of Solomon: "Do not hold back discipline from the child.
When you beat him with the rod, he will not die" (Prov.23:18,
NASV). God is almost mocking us here for being afraid to spank.
God also tells us that "he who spares his rod hates his son"
(Prov.13:24). I have found that one way I, as a psychiatrist, can
tell if parents really have genuine love for their children is to
ask them how they discipline their children. Parents whose love
is selfish and immature will either be weak disciplinarians,
"sparing the rod," or they will physically abuse their children,
beating them with their fists, thus "provoking them to wrath."
But as Proverbs 13:24 says, "He who loves him disciplines him
diligently."
(But again, the reader is reminded that Solomon's instructions
are "general statement" only - there can be many exceptions. The
reader is strongly encouraged to read the study "An IMPORTANT
Key" - general statements are all over the Bible. You need to
understand this most basic teaching of the Bible, many verses
will then take on a much wider meaning, and you'll put things
into the right context of life and Bible maturity - Keith Hunt)
If your child has average or better than average
intelligence, and if his education has been adequate, he will
begin to reason abstractly at about the age of ten or eleven.
This was proven by the studies of Jean Piaget. Reasoning with a
younger child about abstract concepts like the morality of
certain behavior patterns is a relative waste of time, although
simple, concrete reasoning can sometimes be quite effective in
this age group. Some children are exceptionally bright, and may
learn to reason abstractly sooner than age ten or eleven, but
most children don't. When my children are eleven or twelve years
old, I plan to do away with spankings and give them punishments
that are related to the offense. I'll reason with them more, and
try to communicate with them on an adult-to adult level. But I'll
probably hang the paddle somewhere they can see it occasionally
so they'll know it's available for special occasions. However,
when they reach their teens, I will use other forms of discipline
exclusively, punishments related to the offense. For minor
things, reasoning with teenagers is frequently all that is
needed.
C. Social problems some elementary school children face.
1. Divorce or separation of the parents.
Divorce is one of the most heartbreaking things in American
society today, and it's nearly always the result of one or both
parents being too selfish and proud to admit that their conflicts
are resolvable. I have never yet seen any marital conflicts that
were unresolvable, if both partners were willing to work at it.
The argument about having incompatible personalities with
unresolvable conflicts and differences is pure garbage! Any two
people with normal intelligence can learn to enjoy life together
if they are willing to humble themselves before Almighty God,
swallowing their pride, and work out their conflicts." The easy
way out is for a couple with marital and psychological conflicts
to divorce each other and remarry. Then there are two couples
with marital and psychological conflicts instead of one. Christ
listed adultery as permissible grounds for a Christian to divorce
(Matthew 5:32 and 19:9), but He didn't encourage divorce even
under those circumstances.
As already noted, more than six million children right now
are living in fatherless homes in the United States. One
extensive study of fatherless children showed that "hard core"
fatherless children meaning those who have had to live two or
more years without a father in the home - have significantly more
psychiatric difficulties than do normal children who have
fathers. Moreover, they have a much more fatalistic view of life.
And the number of fatherless families is continuing to rise
rapidly in America. These families have a significantly higher
incidence of psychological depression, separation anxiety, grief,
anger, sexual identity problems, and loneliness. In most cases,
the divorce and resultant fatherless home cause more
psychological damage to the children than would continued marital
maladjustments. One study of 105 families that experienced
divorce, for instance, showed that 52 percent continued to have
hostile interactions even after the divorce, and 31 percent
required from two to ten court interventions during a two-year
follow-up period. This study showed that alliances between one
it patent and child against the other parent were especially
common.
Whenever a married couple have conflicts - and all married
couples will have some conflicts if they are human beings - they
have three choices: one mature choice and two immature choices.
The mature choice is to resolve the conflicts, even if
outside help is needed to so. The two immature choices are to
continue to live together unhappily or to get a divorce and live
apart unhappily. Of the two immature choices, getting a divorce
is definitely worse. In America today, nearly 40 percent of first
marriages end in divorce, and the divorce rate for second
marriages is 50 percent higher than the divorce rate for first
marriages! Divorcees have more psychiatric problems than any
other group of Americans.
(But, let's not forget that if two will not learn to tango
together, then divorce may needs be. And some marriages are
beyong saving, they have reached so low (maybe physical violence
and even just mental and emotional abuse is so strong), the
marriage cannot be saved. Some children would suffer more in such
out-of-control marriage, where it is obvious there will be no
miracle of change. If you need to study the subject of Divorce
and Re-marriage from the Bible, you will find it on this Website
- Keith Hunt)
2. Death in the family.
A death in the family, either of a parent or of a child, is
another serious problem. But unlike divorce, which is a willful
separation, a death in the family - if handled properly - can be
a maturing experience for everyone involved, even though it is
tragic. When I was a senior in high school, I had my first
experience teaching Sunday School - it was a group of eight-and
nine-year-old boys. After I had taught the class several months,
and had come to know the boys fairly well, one of them developed
a very serious form of cancer. I wept bitterly when I found out
about it. The boy had already accepted Christ as his Savior, and
was a rapidly developing young Christian. His doctors were honest
with his parents, and the parents were honest with their son,
explaining to him the best they knew how that he wouldn't have
very much longer on this earth, and that they would miss him a
great deal, but Jesus would take care of him in heaven, and they
would join him again some day soon and spend the rest of eternity
with him.
(Of course those who have read and studied from this Website,
know that going to heaven at death is not taught by the Word of
God - Keith Hunt)
He was only eight years old, but he understood. He was
allowed to grieve over his eventual separation from his parents,
but soon brightened up and accepted it. I visited him frequently
in the hospital. When his leg was amputated, he became the
favorite of many of the doctors and nurses. He witnessed to them,
routinely, telling them about Jesus and His love, and how he was
looking forward to living with Jesus. He had an obvious impact on
the lives of those doctors and nurses. He had an obvious impact
on my own life too. When he died, we all grieved: but as a result
of boy's young life and death, his father finally accepted Christ
as Savior and developed into a pillar of the church. His older
brother, a teenager, also accepted Christ. We are told that "all
things work together for good to then, that love God, to them who
are the called according to his purpose" (Rom.8:28).
Here are the usual steps people go through, whether children
or adults, when they first find out about a death, or impending
death in the family.
First, they will deny it. They won'tbelieve it. When they
are finally convinced that it is true, they generally go through
a period of anger.
So Second, they will be bitterly angry at God, or the
doctor, or someone else. A young child who can't yet comprehend
what death is all about may even become bitter at the dying or
dead parent, because to his way of understanding, the parent has
chosen to die and leave him.
Thirdly, there will follow a guilt reaction, which is anger
at the self-attempts to blame oneself for the other family
member's death, or for not treating him right when he was still
alive, or for not saying good-bye before the death occurred.
It is to be hoped that the individual will then go through a
period of genuine grief over the loss of the loved one. I say "it
is to be hoped" because if he holds his feelings in, and pretends
he isn't sad, he may carry around unresolved psychological
conflicts the rest of his life.
I have seen a number of psychological conflicts resolved by
using various psychotherapeutic techniques to allow the patient
to go ahead and grieve over the loss of a loved one who may have
died many years earlier. After two or three weeks of
grieving - sometimes less, and sometimes more - a healthy person
who has gone through these stages will resolve his grief, and
feel better toward God, himself, the deceased loved one, and the
remaining family members. It's something we will all have to go
through, and many of us will have to go through it several times
in our lives. The most important thing is to be completely honest
about it with everyone - and this includes a dying child - and to
allow everyone involved to grieve.
Holding back the tears is not bravery. Its a mistake.
3. Childhood depression.
If a child is seriously depressed for several weeks, he will
probably either become very withdrawn and frequently tearful, or
else he may show his depression by becoming much more irritable
and hard to get along with. I would encourage you as parents to
try to get to the root of the problem and find out what it is
that's bothering him, so something can be done about it. If
serious enough, and if he doesn't get over it, he may need to see
a child psychiatrist for a number of sessions, and may even need
a short course of antidepressant medications.
4. Grandparents in the home.
It is generally recommended that you not have your parents
living in your home on a permanent basis, whether you have
children or not. It's hard enough to keep normal marital
conflicts resolved without having someone there to hear the
arguments or even enter into some of them. The same goes for
brothers or sisters or any other boarders. If you're married, it
is best for you to live by yourselves, even though you may
develop the urge to lend a helping hand from time to time by
letting someone move in with you. But don't do it, especially if
you have children. You'll be doing them a real disservice. They
deserve your undivided attention, and so does your mate. The best
thing a newly married couple can do for the sake of their
marriage is to make the break from both sets of parents. This
will force you to resolve conflicts instead of running to mother.
In some cases, the mother would run to you, whether you ran to
her or not. Later on, when you have children, I think it's fine
for them to be able to live within driving range of their
grandparents. Children have a very special relationship with
their grandparents, and it's usually a very healthy one,
involving a lot of identification with the grandparent of the
same sex. But the grandparents shouldn't live in the same home,
and preferably not next door.
Grandparents are also better off living separately from
their children, either in their own home or apartment, or else in
an apartment-type home with other older people to whom they can
relate. As Christians, it is our responsibility to take care of
elderly parents who are no longer able to take care of
themselves. In fact, it's a real opportunity for our children to
watch us take care of our parents, teaching them to do the same
for us when we are too old to take care of ourselves. The Apostle
Paul said, "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for
those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse
than an infidel" (I Tim.5:8). Those are strong words, inspired
by a God who loves people of all ages. But my personal opinion is
that usually this does not have to mean moving parents into your
house, although that does become a viable option in some
circumstances. I have seen too many families regret making that
decision, and it's hard to back out once you have made it.
5. Raising children in foreign lands.
This is another sensitive subject, especially in the
evangelical community where many of us have relatives or friends
who are missionaries. If any parents feel called by God to go to
a foreign mission field, they should go. But they should make
their calling sure. A need does not constitute a call. There are
needs everywhere. Remember the very old story about the farmer
who while out in his field looked up at the clouds and noticed
that they formed the letters "P" He quit farming and went into
the ministry because he thought God was calling him to Preach
Christ.
His ministry wasn't very effective, because in reality God
was calling him to get busy and Plow Corn. Now I would guess by
the relative lack of evangelical witnesses in foreign lands that
there are probably many more Christians who have disobeyed God's
call to be foreign missionaries by staying home, than there are
Christians who have misinterpreted God's call by going to foreign
lands when God really wanted them to stay home. I think God calls
all of us to be missionaries somewhere in some capacity. That's
what the great commission is all about (see Matt.28:19-20).
What I want to emphasize here is that if you have children,
make your calling sure, because children who grow up in foreign
lands have extra problems to face up to in addition to the usual
ones.
Many of these extra problems, however, can be avoided,
minimized, or resolved, according to a research study by Sidney
Werkman. His study showed that the additional problems involve
(1) unusual child-rearing practices and customs, (2) problems
with the caretakers of the children, (3) aberrant sexuality, (4)
special fears, and (5) a sense of alienation. Dr.Werkman
encourages parents to anticipate these potential problems, to
discuss them openly, to make plans to avoid or minimize them, and
to act decisively on their children's behalf. I believe our
children are our first calling from God, no matter what
occupation God may call us into. If God called me to go to some
foreign mission field, I would assuredly go, but I would choose a
mission board and a mission field where I wouldn't have to send
my elementary school children five hundred miles away nine months
a year. I might be wrong, but in light of Scripture, I really
cannot see how I could possibly be following God's will if I did
that. I have a good friend, however, whose parents felt called to
do that, and he turned out to be an excellent Christian
physician. He disagrees with me on this point, but I have
counseled a number of patients whose missionary parents "farmed
them out" and who have suffered severely as a result of this
separation from their parents. Some have even become devout
atheists as a reaction to parental rejection. Our family has to
be our first and utmost calling from God.
6. Handicapped children.
Handicapped children frequently become over-dependent,
passive, and somewhat withdrawn. Parents may even unconsciously
reward them for being weak. Parents should not deny the handicap,
but they should make every effort to encourage their handicapped
child's independence. He doesn't need their pity. He needs their
genuine love, and he needs for them to trust his ability to
overcome the handicap psychologically and to become responsible
for himself. Elementary school children are very blunt and also
tease a lot, a problem the handicapped child will almost
certainly face. But being over-protective will only make matters
worse.
Sometimes a handicap will strengthen someone to a point that
he never would have attained without it. God gave the Apostle
Paul a handicap so Paul's pride wouldn't hold him back from
accomplishing greatness for the Lord. John Milton wrote his best
poetry after going blind. I know of a farm boy from a small
southern town who made average grades in elementary school until
he was afflicted with a handicap. That handicap gave him a real
determination to prove himself and succeed in life. He was the
valedictorian of his high school class, attained nearly straight
A's in college, and has become an extraordinarily dedicated
Christian physician. He probably never would have achieved what
he has without that handicap. So don't pity your handicapped
child. Try to figure out how God can use the handicap as a
blessing to produce greatness in him.
Dr.Klaus Minde carried out a valuable research study on
forty-one physically handicapped children of elementary school
age. This study showed that handicapped children have two main
hurdles to cross between the ages of five and nine: (1) the
conscious recognition that the handicap is not going to disappear
suddenly, and (2) the psychological depression that usually
follows this awareness. It is to he hoped that at this point the
child can be brought to emotional readiness to accept his
condition and incorporate it in his life plans.
7. School phobias.
A school-phobic child is one who is afraid to go to school
and stay there all day. He can't bear to be away from his mother
that long. These children are altruist always overly dependent on
their mothers, who never allowed them to exercise much
independence prior to entering school. They are frequently the
youngest of several children. a factor which gives the mothers
added temptations to spoil them and to resist their growing up
and leaving. These children become quite manipulative, since
their mothers have usually let them have their own way and given
them very little discipline. The best way to handle this
problem is to refuse to allow them to stay home under any
circumstances, even if they play sick. And the mothers should not
go to school with them to keep an eye on them, as many of these
mothers do. If the child runs away from school and comes home,
give him a spanking he will never forget and take him back
immediately. (Depending on the child a spanking may not be
needed, but a strong firm voice of correction and returning him
to the school may be all he needs. You have to know your child as
to what correction and how it is applied - Keith Hunt)
This may need to be repeated a number of times before his
will is broken. Then both parents should sit down to
re-evaluate their roles as parents, deciding what they can do to
love and discipline their child more effectively so he will
become more independent and learn to respect himself in a healthy
way.
8. Miscellaneous problems.
It will probably surprise many of you to find out that about
10 percent of first graders still wet their beds, and 20 percent
still suck their thumbs. Bedwetting at this age can he due
either to a small bladder or to psychological conflicts. About 90
percent of bedwetting after age six is considered to be
psychological rather than a physical problem, usually
representing over-dependence coupled with pent-up anger toward
the parent the child is overly dependent upon. If the bladder is
too small, have the child hold in his urine for several hours at
a time to stretch the bladder. If his bladder is normal, it would
be wise to evaluate whether you are doing things for the child
that he should be doing for himself, like dressing him or cutting
his foods for him. Don't shame a child for wetting the bed. He
probably didn't do it on purpose. Don't become overly excited
about it. Just calmly have him clean up his bed and I change his
sheets. But be sure that he does it, even if you think he has a
small bladder. He won't feel so guilty about it if he cleans it
up himself; and also, if it is a subconscious way to get you
upset, making him clean it up will take all the fun out of it, so
he'll probably quit doing it.
Medications are also available that will usually stop
bedwetting promptly, but should be used only as a last resort.
Most family doctors don't know about these medications, so a
child psychiatrist should be consulted. Besides, the family might
benefit by a few sessions to provide insight into what
the problem is.
Thumb-sucking after age six is common, but it is considered
a sign of anxiety and a sign that the child and parents may need
some counseling. Children of perfectionistic parents frequently
develop nervous tics, like eye squints or other involuntary
habits. This also indicates a need for family counseling and
possibly a temporary course of tranquilizer medication for the
child.
Parents of obese children should also get some counseling.
In many cases, food has become a substitute for genuine, intimate
love. Frequent soiling of the pants is also a fairly serious
symptom after age six, and parents should take their child to a
child psychiatrist for evaluation if this is a frequent
occurrence. Some pediatricians are also equipped to handle this
problem.
.................
To be continued with "Early Adolescenece."
Christian Child-Rearing #13
Early Adolescence Age
CHRISTIAN CHILD-REARING
by Dr.Paul Meier
EARLY ADOLESCENCE
A. Entering adolescence.
Dr.Theodore Lidz, Chairman of the Yale University Department
of Psychiatry, defines adolescence as "the period between
pubescence and physical maturity ... the transition from
childhood, initiated by the prepubertal spurt of growth and
impelled by the hormonal changes of puberty, to the attainment of
adult prerogatives, responsibilities, and self-sufficiency."
That's a long definition, but I think you'll get the picture
that many big changes take place during adolescence. Take those
first four years or so, between the ages of twelve and sixteen.
At age twelve, your son or daughter is still considered a child.
How often have you heard the expression, "Quit acting like a
twelve-year old"? Four short years later, at the age of sixteen,
your son or daughter has become a young man of a young woman,
with an adult body, reproductive ability, and, desire to run his
or her own life as much as possible. The four years between
childhood and young adulthood, from twelve to sixteen years of
age, are probably the roughest four years of most people's lives,
because there are so many major adjustments to make. Encouraging
independent decision-making and spiritual maturity during the
first twelve years of life will greatly facilitate the major
adjustments during the early adolescent years.
I have already discussed the Jewish Bar Mitzvah ceremony on
the thirteenth birthday, so I won't discuss it here except to say
that I think a new commitment between parents and child on the
thirteenth birthday can help them to be aware of the major
changes that are about to take place. The child has new
privileges and responsibilities, which help prepare him for the
self-sufficiency of adulthood. Of course, parental guidance and
discipline will continue to be needed until it, son or daughter
goes out on his own at age eighteen.
B. Developmental adaptations during early adolescence.
What are some of the major developmental changes an early
adolescent goes through? Well, initially there is a major growth
spurt. This growth rather than a particular birthday
initiates adolescence, since it occurs at different ages in
different individuals. I was about average height on my
thirteenth birthday. Sonme of my friends that were once shorter
than I started their growth spurt before I did, and passed me.
Then my growth hormone started pouring out of my pituitary gland
like water out of Niagara Falls, and I grew ten inches in about
fifteen or sixteen months. I was so awkward for a while that
relatives quit inviting our family over for dinner -- among other
things I broke glasses, a camera, and my uncle's pool cue, mostly
because I misjudged how long my arms and legs were. And I bumped
my head so many times on low overheads that I'm surprised I don't
have any residual brain damage!
At age twelve, a child likes other children of the same sex
and hates those of the opposite sex, except for maybe a favorite
or two. But by age fourteen, most boys have decided that girls
aren't so bad after all! In fact, it's hard to think about
anything else. When boys spend more time with girls at school and
church, it breaks up some of their old friendships - sespecially
with boys that aren't interested in girls yet. Peer groups are
rearranged, and there arc marked feelings of ambivalence toward
individuals of both sexes. Boys who were once friends are now
competitors and even bitter enemies for a while. The same applies
to girls, of course.
Young adolescents ask themselves the question, "Who am I?"
Then they spend the next ten or fifteen years finding out. During
this time, a healthy local church can he a positive influence on
the impressionable adolescent as he begins his struggle for
identity and guidelines to live by. Sweden was once a Christian
stronghold, but Sweden now has the highest adolescent suicide
rate in the entire world because adolescents are offered very few
moral guidelines, and many of the youth give up in their struggle
to find meaning in life. As their abstract reasoning ability
continues to develop rapidly, many adolescents develop fantasies
of changing the world or solving the world's problems. And for
some unexplained reason, some of us adults never give up those
fantasies......
C. Special problems of early adolescence.
1. Communications breakdown.
Unless parents are especially careful, what used to be a
family home will rapidly develop into a pit stop, used briefly by
teenage sons and daughters for refueling their stomachs and
sleeping! One of the biggest problems during this stage is
keeping the lines of communication open, but this is really
important. When a child reaches adolescence, many families
temporarily regress to earlier modes of experience and behavior.
If this is a creative regression, it can be quite healthy,
enabling other family members to empathize with the adolescents
feelings and development. Then they can grow together again as a
family unit. The idea is to avoid being overly rigid. Try to
adjust some yourselves while still maintaining overall family
stability. You may want to establish a weekly family meeting in
order to open lines of communication and to discuss constructive
criticisms and suggestions. Solomon said, "A reliable
communication permits progress" (Prov.13:17, LB). He
also said, "Through presumption comes nothing but strife, but
with those who receive counsel is wisdom' (Prov.19:10, NASV).
And the prophet Amos asked, "Can two walk together, except they
be agreed?" (Amos 3:3).
If you want to walk together with your teenagers, you'll
have to make a real effort to communicate. A number of research
studies have been done on communication patterns in the families
of adolescents. One study showed that in the families of
aggressive, anti-social adolescents, the predominant pattern was
for the father to pretend to be in authority if both parents were
in public, but for the mother to be very directive and to
disregard the husband on other occasions. The anti-social
adolescent tended to "time out" whenever both parents were
present. With passive, negativistic teenagers, the usual
communication pattern was for the father to give the teenager
wordy lectures, but to disregard whatever the teenager had to
say. The mothers also ignored their teenagers, but at least
asked them an occasional question. The passive teenagers
tended to "close up" most of the time. With introverted,
withdrawn teenagers, the usual communication pattern was for the
mother to ignore the teenager's presence and to interrupt
whenever the teenager spoke. The father generally let the mother
dominate, and was very attentive to his wife while frequently
interrupting his son or daughter. These introverted teenagers
paid close attention to both parents, in spite of the fact that
their parents ignored them.
Another interesting family communication study was carried
out by Linda Wool and others. They lead a number of families
enter a room, one family at a time, to do individual and group
interpretations of Rorschach Ink-Blot cards. The families had
already been divided into two groups - those whose teenagers had
good personality integration, and those whose teenagers had made
poor psychological adjustments. The purpose was to see if the
family communication patterns had made any difference in the
psychological development of the teenagers. It was found that
"families of children high in personality integration displayed
more direct person-to-person communication, more efficient task
orientation, more role clarity on the part of the parents, and
less psychological distance than was true for families with lower
adjustment children."
Since family communication patterns are so important, I
would like to tell you about one more study. This was carried out
at the University of Utah by James Alexander, who studied the
families of twenty-two normal adolescents and twenty delinquent
adolescents. He videotaped all of these families separately
during "resolution of differences" tasks, and found that the
families of the juvenile delinquents were defensive in their
communications and did not work at the tasks as a unified group.
The families of the normal adolescents, on the other hand, were
very supportive of each other and were able to work together as a
unit instead of as defensive individuals.
One more communication problem that needs to be mentioned
at least briefly is the father-daughter communication problem.
When daughters are young, it's quite normal for the little girl
to climb on daddy's lap. But all of a sudden in early
adolescence, that little girl has developed physically into a
beautiful young woman. This results in some uncomfortable
feelings in practically all fathers and there are three major
ways in which most fathers communate with their daughters from
that time on. (1) Some fathers feel very uncomfortable about the
physical attractiveness of the teenage daughter, not realizing
that these feelings are quite normal, and consequently withdraw
from their daughters almost altogether. They may even take on an
extra job to avoid confronting her. She feels rejected by her
father, whom she loves very much, and this can result in a
variety of psychological problems, such as feelings of
unworthiness. As a Christian woman, later in life, she may even
have a hard time feeling accepted by God or by her husband.
(2) Some immature fathers continue to rock their daughters on
their lap, so to speak, and are overly friendly with their
daughters. Some even become quite seductive, with or without
being aware of it. I have had a number of female patients who
have engaged in a great deal of sexual promiscuity without
knowing why. But it was obvious to me that it was because they
had been overly stimulated by their fathers. Many even had had
sexual relations with their fathers (or in some cases
step-fathers), followed by guilt feelings and hostility toward
them. These are the hysterical females I described in Chapter
Five, who subconsciously hate men and are out to prove that all
men are good-for-nothings like their fathers. These girls will
seduce anybody they can to prove this, and especially good men,
since good men disprove their theory that all men are worthless.
Some of them become prostitutes, some become lesbians, but most
go from marriage to marriage, always finding out after being
married a while that their new husband is worthless too, just
like their father. Men frequently marry these women because they
are usually quite physically attractive, and these men want a
good sexual partner. But once they get married, these women
seldom want sex because they don't really enjoy it as a normal
woman does.
(3) The third (and obviously the healthy) way for a father to
communicate with his teenage daughter is to continue to
show genuine love and concern for her, including a healthy hug
now and then, but without being seductive. He will also openly
display affection for his wife, and the two of them together will
show genuine affection to, their daughter. The healthy father
will also realize that it is perfectly normal to feel physically
attracted to his daughter - after all, half of her genes came
from the woman he chose to marry. And he can enjoy her good looks
without entertaining lustful thoughts. This will provide a basis
for a healthy father-daughter communication pattern, and some day
she will find a young man much like her father and have a very
happy marriage.
The same general principles hold true for sons with their
mother's. A healthy mother-son relationship will lead the
maturing son eventually to marry a girl "just like the girl that
married dear old dad," as the old barbershop song goes. But note
that the "other woman" in most divorce cases is not the husband's
secretary, but rather the husband's mother, who spoiled him and
overindulged him.
2. Other special problems daring early adolescence.
The communication problems are definitely the biggest
problems in early adolescence. After they are taken care of,
there is a host of less important special problems faced by
teenagers, like the acne and body odor that accompany the
hormonal changes.
Encouraging teenagers to improve their grooming habits
usually takes care of the pimples and body odor, but sometimes
medications may be needed for the acne, and these can be obtained
from any dermatologist. Most girls begin having periods during
early adolescence, and should be warned about this far ahead of
time by their mothers so it won't come as a traumatic shock. I
already distcussed the problem of masturbation and wet dreams in
teenage boys in Part One of this book.
One more special problem of early adolescence is adolescent
depression. In teenagers, psychological depression is frequently
disguised. It's easy to see in adults, because a depressed adult
will lose his appetite, lose his sex drive, wake up frequently at
night, develop frequent headaches, have feelings of despair. But
the teenager often manifests his depression in different ways. If
I get a teenage patient who has never been a problem, and then
all of a sudden - over a period of a few weeks or months - he
becomes increasingly irritable, rebellious, and hostile, with
intermittent guilt feelings, I assume that he is probably
depressed. If the teenager has been a problem all his life, with
poor conduct ratings in school from the first grade on, I do not
suspect depression - he was raised wrong and has become a young
sociopath. But the depressed, previously good teenagers are quite
easy to treat. Sometimes putting them on antidepressant
medications alone will dramatically lessen the problem in about
ten to twenty days. Counseling sessions with the entire family
are then necessary, re-establishing broken-down communication
patterns.
I once had as a patient a teenage boy who came from a
Christian home. The boy had been quite reasonable all his life,
but in his early teens the lines of communication broke down and
he started getting into all sorts of trouble; and he was even
expelled from school. I started him on antidepressant medication,
which I only with great difficulty convinced him to take. In
fact, he walked angrily out of my office three different times
when we discussed subjects he didn't want to talk about. Within
ten days he rededicated his life to the Lord, and went to his
family doctor and handed him some money. The family doctor asked
him what the money was for, and the boy told him that he had
stolen some money out of the doctor's wallet during a visit a
month or two earlier, that he wanted to start repaying it and
would pay the rest back when he earned enough from a part-time
job.
If you think your son or daughter may be going through an
adolescent depression, the first thing you should do is
re-establish positive communications with a loving and accepting
attitude. Compare your family rules to those of other Christian
families.
Frequently, parents of depressed adolescents are either too
strict or too lenient. As parents, you can also totally eliminate
nagging and they negative communications by heeding the following
advice.
Have a two-hour family session involving only the teenager
and both parents. Re-evaluate all the rules, chores, and
punishments objectively. Have the teenager draw a line down the
middle of a blank sheet of paper. Tell him to put specific rules
and chores he thinks he should have on the left side of the line,
and the punishments he thinks he should receive for breaking
each of the rules on the right side. (Surprisingly, most
teenagers will be harder on themselves than their parents
would have been. Wanting more controls, teenagers frequently
break rules so the parents will make them a little stricter.)
Then go over each of the rules, chores, and punishments he
has listed and discuss them. If they are reasonable, leave them
as they are. If they are too strict or too lenient, change the
ones you must. As usual, the father should have the ultimate say.
When you have completed the list, both parents should sign
it and the teenager should also sign it and date it.
This becomes a contract between the teenager and his
parents. When he lists the chores, tell him to be specific about
the day of the week on which he plans to do each chore. If he
lives up to his part of the contract, there will be absolutely no
need to nag him. If he doesn't keep his part of the bargain, you
still won't need to nag - just automatically give him the
consequence he listed on the right side of the line. If he breaks
a rule, he suffers the consequence he agreed upon. Make the
contract good for about a two-month period, and have weekly
family meetings to discuss how things are going. Show respect for
the teenager as a young adult, and listen to what he has to say,
even if you disagree with him. When the two months are up,
renegotiate the contract. If he has done a good job, give him a
little more freedom in the new contract. If he has done a poor
job, make the new contract a little stricter. But do your best to
keep the communications constructive and positive, and be sure to
compliment your teenager for showing responsibility. I have used
this technique scores of times with teenagers and their parents,
and the families have usually felt that it helped eliminate much
of the negative communications between the parents and the
teenager. It also helps put the brakes on the rule he ought to
have.
Note:
This is my standard approach to treating cases of adolescent
depression and alolescent rebellion, and it works most of the
time. Interestingly, when it doen't work, it is seldom the
fault of the teenager, but rather of the parents, who fail to
enforce the rules when the teenager tests them. Some parents come
to my office expecting me to cure their family conflicts, and do
not want to hear about ways that THEY themselves can cure these
conflicts. Abraham Linculn once said, "Most people are about as
happy as they choose to be." What a wise statenent!
...................
The next chapter is "Mid-and Late Adolescene"
Child-rearing and Personality development #14Mid- and Late AdolesenceCHILDREARING AND PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
by Paul D. Meier, M.D.
Mid- and Late Adolescence
Most of the problems discussed in the chapter on early
adolescence also apply to mid-and late adolescence, and vice
versa, especially since there is so much variability from
individual to individual in the age of onset of adolescence and
the rate of maturation.
A. Developmental adaptations of mid-and late adolescence.
Before he enters adolescence, a child's allegiance is to his
parents. He wants very much for his parents to love him, so he
does a fairly good job of staying in line with their wishes. But
in adolescence, especially in mid-and late adolescence, his alle-
giance is switched from his parents to his peers. To some ext-
ent, his peers' morals become his own. However, if the parents
have brought him up right so far, he will almost always choose
peers who believe the things he does. Whom he chooses for his
associates is very important, because in craving popularity and
social acceptance, he conforms to his peer-group ideologies,
loyalties, and standards. This is often difficult for parents,
because parents have little or no control over the friends their
children choose to associate with away from the house. All
parents can do is dictate who is allowed in the home, and tell
their teenagers whom they shouldn't associate with, hoping they
will obey. That's just one more reason why its important to keep
the lines of communication open - so that when you give your
teenager guidance he will respect your opinion. The interpersonal
relationships he develops during adolescence are more important,
in my opinion, than what he learns scholastically. B. E. Segal,
after reviewing the literature on adolescent socialization, made
the comment that "every major social psychiatry study in the past
decade has called attention to the probability that an absence of
satisfying interpersonal relationships is a cause, and not just a
result, of emotional disturbance."
Mid-and late adolescence is also a time when girls
increasingly give up their tomboy habits to accept a more
feminine role. I don't know as yet how much the Women's
Liberation Movement will change this. The girl's menstrual cycle
also becomes more and more regular, with estrogen predominating
the first two weeks of the cycle, influencing her to want to
share her love with others. During the next two weeks, when
progesterone predominates, she is less secure and needs to know
that others love her. Then come the two days before menses starts
again. At this time she will probably be more irritable, moody,
and hard to get along with? But it's best not to pamper her too
much, even during those two days. If she learns to endure them in
adolescence, it'll be much easier for her the rest of her life.
(This "two day" before menses is NOT TRUE in MANY females. While
the monthly period CAN effect SOME females, there are MANY that
are not effected at all, and are pretty emotionally "normal"
shall we say, all the month, and every month - Keith Hunt)
In males, androgens reach their peak level at about age
seventeen or eighteen, so that's when the sex drive is greatest.
In women, the sex drive is greatest at about the age of thirty.
According to the Kinsey reports, about 90 percent of males and
about 50 percent of females have experimented with sexual
intercourse by age twenty-one. The social acceptability of it in
American society today makes it even harder for Christian young
people to save themselves for marriage, as God commanded them to.
Children should know the facts of life by the time they are
ten years old, but continued discussions front time to time, with
the parent of the same sex, will help the Christian teenager
maintain his determination to live up to God's sexual standards.
And that will be best for him and his future marriage, also. But
don't force these discussions on your teenager - wait for him to
bring up the subject. If the teenager never brings it up, look
for opportunities to get into a discussion on this important
aspect of life.
There are three major ways in which parents view their
teenage son or daughter. Some parents use projection, meaning
that they project their own sinful impulses onto their teenager,
suspecting him of doing things he's not guilty of. Other parents
use identification, meaning that they automatically assume that
their teenager is an extension of themselves in his way of
thinking. This is also unrealistic. The third (and the healthy)
way is for parents to empathize with their teenager, accepting
him as a separate individual, and trying to understand him and
his struggles. So in discussing sexual matters with your
teenager, be sure you are not projecting unwarranted suspicion,
or assuming that he thinks exactly the same way as you do.
I'll share with you a few of my views on dating for
teenagers, but I think you should set up your own rules according
to whatever you feel is right, whether you agree with me or not.
In Proverbs 30, Agur (some theologians think Agur was the
childhood name of Solomon) was inspired by God to describe four
activities of nature that are extremely beautiful. Agur calls
them "too wonderful for me." One of them is "the way of a man
with a maid" (Prov.30:19). Today, nearly three thousand years
later, the same holds true. The majority of songs, books, and
movies are about the love relationships between a male and a
female. Dating is an important time in anyone's life. A person
should date as many members of the opposite sex as possible in
order to evaluate what type of mate would suit him best. But
Christians should keep in mind Paul's instructions: "Be ye not
unequally yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Cor.6:14). A
teenage boy doesn't have to date a girl of loose morals in order
to decide whether or not he would want to marry one. A good rule
is to limit dating to those who might be considered as a
potential mate. I don't think Christian teenagers should be
allowed to date until they have reviewed the Scriptures and
written out a personal list of dating rules that are in agreement
with Scripture. They should then determine in their hearts that
they will never violate these rules for any reason, even if it
means losing some dates. Teenagers frequently fail to realize
that every individual they date will some day be someone else's
mate - or maybe even their own. What a teenager does or doesn't
do during his dating years can significantly influence his future
husband-wife relationships.
Parents frequently ask me at what age I think a teenager is
old enough to date. I'll tell you what I tell them. It all
depends upon his emotional and spiritual maturity. If your
teenager is of average or above average maturity for his age, a
fairly good rule of thumb is that he will probably be ready for
group dating at age thirteen or fourteen, double dating at age
fifteen, and single dating at age sixteen. By group dating, I
mean activities like a young people's party at church, where some
of the boys and girls may pair off after they arrive to sit
together or participate in game together. In early adolescence,
boys and girls are primarily trying to figure out what the
opposite sex is all about, but as they mature in late
adolescence, genuine love for someone of the opposite sex becomes
possible in mature individuals.
In the sexual area, and in other areas as well, mid-and late
adolescence is also a time for a process known as delimitation-
setting limits.In early adolescence the limits individuals set
for themselves are vague and sometimes bendable. But toward the
end of adolescence, the individual is searching for
self-identity, and this includes his moral identity, so he begins
to fix or mark his limits. If he sticks to these limits, he will
like himself. If he doesn't, he will experience guilt and a
lowering of his self-esteem.
Late adolescence is a time when many individuals are ready
emotionally to make meaningful commitments to Jesus Christ, and
to call upon God's help to free them from the bondage of sin so
that they can stay within those limits they have set for
themselves. Late adolescence is also a time when young men begin
thinking very seriously about what career they want to go into,
and what they hope to accomplish in their lifetime. Girls think
more about what type of man they want to spend the rest of their
life with, and how they can develop their own God-given talents.
Many late adolescents become quite critical of their
parents. This is because their self goals, which are frequently
idealistic and unattainable, are projected onto and expected of
others - such as their parrents. The teenager therefore becomes
critical of his parents because they are not living up to the
expectations he hopes to attain some day. The older, and wiser he
gets, lire more accepting he will become of his Parents.
Many other aspects of his outlook on life also mature in
late adolescence. He becomes less introspective and more
goal-oriented. At least, this was true in the past. William
Glasser, the author of the book "Reality Therapy," talked about
this at a seminar I attended in California. He said the youth
today are much less goal-oriented than the youth of a generation
ago. The youth of today are generally more pleasure - and
experience - oriented, living each day for the fun of that day. I
have also found this to be true in my own experience with
teenagers. When I ask most young people - especially
non-Christian young people - what they are living for, they
either have a blank look, as though they had never thought about
that before, or else they say, "Myself, of course!"
But there's a real difference in the healthy evangelical
community. Those young people generally have godly ideals, and
are willing to sacrifice themselves in many cases for the
furtherance of the gospel. Another difference between evangelical
and non-evangelical youth is that evangelical Christian young
people are more likely to see themselves as pilgrims for a short
time on a small piece of earth that will some day be destroyed by
God, when He creates a new heaven and a new earth. The
non-evangelical youth in his late teens is likely to have a
smaller view of the world, thinking for all practical purposes
that his own lifespan must be half of history, and that the
United States is at least half of the world.
B. Special problems of mid- and late adolescence.
This is a very difficult topic to summarize. Adolescents
today face many special problems that didn't exist to any
significant extent just one generation ago--like drugs and the
occult. I already talked about how to produce a drug addict and
how to treat one in Chapter Five, so I'll refer you back to that
chapter for a discussion of the drug problem. I have studied
demon-possession extensively and have hundreds of pages of notes
on the subject. I have also discussed it with many missionaries
who have cast out demons, usually through quiet prayer. I believe
in demon possession, but have never seen an indisputable case of
it. I have had several psychotic or severely hysterical patients
who claimed to be demon-possessed, but with brief psychotherapy
anti/or tranquilizers their "demons" rapidly disappeared. Given
the occult trends today I probably will see a few genuine cases
of it in the future.
I have also read some interesting research on student
activism, but that was more of a problem in the late '60s.
Today's adolescents are characterized much more by student apathy
than by student activism. They have a void in their lives, and
are trying to fill the void with hallucinogenic drugs and other
wild experiences? Unfortunately, many Christian teenagers are
also bored and apathetic, and are more concerned with
narcissistic emotional experences than with spreading the gospel
of Jesus Christs. But in the midst of all this apathy, large
evangelical groups like the Navigators, Fellowship of Christian
Athletics, Campus Crusade, Inter-Varsity, and Young Life are
filling the void for today's youth, winning many of them to a
personal acceptance of Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.
Teenage pregnancies remain a problem for today's youth, but
they have the additional problem of ready access to the local
abortion clinic. Abortions are granted to almost any pregnant
teenager who thinks having the baby would cause her to have
emotional problems, but studies have shown that the girls who
have abortions end up with the same number of emotional problems
as those who go ahead and have the babies. And venereal disease
is epidemic among today's youth. I had one teenage patient not
too long ago who received treatment for venereal disease one week
and became reinfected again a week or two later.
Running away is also a common teenage problem. Psychiatrists
can tell a good deal about the teenager and his or her family on
the basis of running-away patterns. The spoiled, overly dependent
teenager (usually a girl) will run away in order to punish her
mother for not letting her have her own way. But these dependent
runaways will always see to it that they are caught, usually
within twenty-four to forty-eight hours. They can't bear to be
away from their mothers for any longer than that. The mother of
one of my hysterical teenage patients called me at my office one
day. She was very worried and concerned because her daughter had
run away that morning. I knew the daughter quite well, so I asked
the mother what time her daughter had run away. When she told me,
I glanced at my watch and told the mother not to worry about the
daughter because she would probably be returning home any minute.
Just as I was saying that I heard some crying over the phone, and
sure enough, her dependent daughter had returned.
Teenagers that run away and stay away are really much
healthier than the ones who run away for only a day or two. On
some occasions I think a teenager might mature more by running
away than by staying in his mentally unstable home. I know one
man, for instance, who ran away from a very poor home situation
at the age of fourteen. He got a job, worked his way through high
school, college, and medical school, and became an outstanding
pediatrician. If your daughter does run away in order to make you
feel guilty for mistreating her, be sure you don't reward her
when she returns. If its a repeated problem, I would recommend
family counseling to figure out what the family's psychodynamics
are. Dr. Helm Stierlin states that between six hundred thousand
and one million teenagers run away from home each year here in
America. More than half of them are girls, mostly from the white
suburbs. Stierlin notes that:
the more a binding [smothering] parent gratifies, indulges,
and spoils his child, the more conflicted, insatiable, and
monster-like the child becomes. This interpersonal
scenario-quick disillusionment with peers, heightened
conflicts with parents - explains why a good many of these
adolescents run away, yet return home quickly as abortive
runaways.
He says the task of the therapist is to encourage the parent
and child to become more independent of each other, and comments
that "an offspring's successful running away can signal progress
rather than a setback, as it reflects this adolescents (and his
parents) increasing ability to live apart from, and independently
of each other."
C. When to let go of the leash.
Many Christian parents don't know when to let go of the
leash. When a baby robin reaches a certain stage, its mother
pushes it out of the nest, and the young robin learns how to fly
on its way down toward the ground. Without adversity and
independence, no teenager will grow up and learn how to fly. I am
continually amazed at how many of my neurotic and inadequate
patients are still living with their parents at age twenty,
thirty, or even older. This is especially true of young adults
who eventually become schizophrenic. It is also true of
alcoholics, many of whom marry several mother-types before
divorcing for the last time and moving back to mother to finish
their short lives.
I sometimes recommend that teenagers who have graduated
front high school go several [numbed miles away - out of the nest
to develop their God given talents (preferably but not neces-
sarily at a Christian colllege), and learn the hard lessons of
life by making the necessary mistakes - and then correcting them.
If the parents reared the child by God's standards during
those crucial first six years of life, when about 85 percent of
his personality was formed, he'll do just fine.
(I disagreed with Meier when he first mentioned this 85 percent
of personality forming by age 6, and I still do. Personality
development can be formed all through childhood into adulthood.
Many factors can be a part of personality development as we
mature into adults. My personality as a child and up to the
teenage years was WAY different in a number of respects, than
when going through my teenage years. I had people and "scocial
clubs" I belonged to that had a great deal of good positive
influences on me, that changed my personality. Of course I'm
thankful that the Lord placed those people and "social clubs"
into my life as I matured through my teenage years. So NEVER
think it's all over by age six - it just ain't true - Keith Hunt)
And if the parents haven't reared their child by God's
principles, most attempts to teach an eighteen-year-old something
he should have learned when he was three years old will be
utterly futile. Let him move out to learn from life's hard
knocks, and pray that God will mature him. The greatest freedom
the late adolescent can have is the freedom to fail. This is the
freedom to make a mistake and to go on from there, having learned
a valuable lesson by the experience. Don't kick him when he is
down. He'll probably kick himself enough when no one is looking.
If he can learn to lose his fear of failure, he has learned a big
lesson. God's Word tells us, "There is no fear in love; but
perfect love casteth nut fear" (I John 4:18).
..................
To be followed with the last chapter "A Final Challenge."
Child-Rearing and Personality- Development #15The Final Challenge!CHILD-REARING AND PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
by Paul D. Meier
A Final Challenge
A. Paul's competitive spirit.
The Apostle Paul revealed his competitive spirit when he
wrote to the Corinthians, "Know ye not that they which run in a
race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may
obtain" (I Cor.9:24). I love Paul's competitive spirit, and I
believe strongly that we, as Christian parents, should consider
ourselves in competition with the world, especially in producing
children who become the very best in emotional and spiritual
maturity.
B. God's pro draft for Christian parents.
Since I am an avid sports fan, I wait eagerly each year to
see who will be selected in the pro draft as the best college
football players. I was thinking about this one time, and I
started wondering what would happen if God had a pro draft each
year to select the very best Christian parents to raise our
children. Which round would you be selected in - or would you be
selected at all? Paul says, "So run, that ye may obtain." If you
feel that you have made a great many mistakes in the past, well,
welcome to the human race. But there is no use in dwelling on the
past. Lets pick up the pieces where we are right now, and develop
ourselves into the very best parents our children can possibly
have. Children can tolerate many parental mistakes. We cause
psychological and spiritual handicaps in our children only when
we consistently refuse to cooperate with God's plan and
principles.
C. Children are a gift from God.
God's Word tells us, "Behold, children are a gift of the
Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward" (Ps.127:.3, NASV). If
the Lord tarries, there is nothing I want more when I get older
than to see my own children and grandchildren still growing in
the Lord and still excited about life!
D. Good children are an honor.
Solomon said, "My son, how happy I will be if you turn out
to be sensible! It will be a public honor to me" (Prov.27:11,
LB). Well, I feel the same way about my children.
E. Don't let the world squeeze you into its mold!
Paul urges us on with the words, "I beseech you therefore,
brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a
living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your
reasonable [not exceptional, but reasonble] service. And be not
conformed to this world [the Phillips translation says, 'Don't
let the world squeeze you into its mold']: but be ye transformed
by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that
good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God. - Rom.12:1-2.
F. God will help us.
Christian parents, let's dedicate ourselves to God, so He
can accomplish what He wants to accomplish in our children
through us. He has promised to help us to be the kind of parents
He has called us to be. Paul promised us, "Faithful is he that
calleth you, who also will do it" (I Thess.5:24). Moreover, we
have the Old Testament assurance: "For the eyes of the Lord
search back and forth across the whole earth, looking for people
whose hearts are perfect toward him, so that he can show his
great power in helping them" (2 Chron.16:9, LB).
G. Confess past mistakes.
I would encourage you to confess your past mistakes to God,
remembering His promise that "if we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from
all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9).
H. Forget the past and move on toward that prize.
Forgive yourself for past mistakes, and move on from there
with the attitude that the Apostle Paul had when he wrote:
"Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching
forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the
mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ
Jesus" (Phil.3:13-14).
May God reward you richly for turning from the selfish
ambitions of this world and totally committing yourself to God's
highest calling - being a wise, strong, loving, and godly
Christian parent.
................
NOTE:
Yes, overall a very FINE book on Child-rearing and Personality-
development. True, it's an old book, but then truths never gets
old, just as God Himself and Jesus the Christ never get old.
You also have a wealth of "good stuff" from James Dobsom books
and his "Focus on the Family" radio program. Ah, James D. like
myself is getting old, but God's truth marches on, forever new
and young.
Keith Hunt
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