Filling the Emptiness

FILLING  THE  EMPTINESS

by Zazzi Pico

I grew up in the land of eternal spring, Guatemala, and my family attended the Church of God (Seventh Day). Even though my parents tried to raise me as a Christian, I was rebellious and hated church. It was boring and legalistic. I couldn't understand Jesus caring how I dressed or if I wore a veil on my head to be saved.

'Holy war'

When I was a teen, I started playing guitar, wishing to be cool and to be admired by other people. When I joined the youth group, 1 gained popularity because of my playing. Soon I became one of the leaders of the "renewing movement" in the Church.

However, certain local leaders believed that the only "holy instrument" was the piano and that other instruments were dedicated to Satan. Under their scrutiny, I struggled to believe that a true Christian could have fun, enjoy life, and be cool at the same time. Holiness seemed unattainable when I compared myself to these apparently self-righteous individuals.

My parents desperately tried to keep me in the Church and in God's ways. Though they did this out of love, I felt they were too strict and too holy. I couldn't tell them about my thoughts or desires because they wouldn't understand.

So I grew up in silence, pretending to be a good girl while secretly doing things they wouldn't approve of. They thought they could save me. I knew they couldn't.

Happily ever after

Thirsty for love, I desperately needed something to fill my emptiness. I thought I found the answer when I met a charming, handsome man and decided, at age 19, to marry him.

But I discovered that I couldn't attain happiness with him. Promiscuous and violent, he began beating me soon after we married. After each time he would plead for forgiveness and promise it would never happen again.

So began a vicious circle of abuse and promises that lasted three years. One day my husband accused me of being unfaithful, and threatened to kill my entire family, as well as our little daughter, Sheila, and me if he found me in his house when he came back. Later I discovered he just want to get rid of me to marry the woman with whom he was having an affair.

I took my belongings and my precious daughter with me to my parents' place and filed for divorce. For the first time in my life, 1 experienced deep depression. I lay in bed crying for days without eating. There was no divorce in my "holy" family. How could God even look at me now? I was a failure.

Second chance

I felt if I could be baptized, my sin would be forgiven and I would get a fresh start.

After taking the lessons required, I was baptized. I felt clean for a while, but the emptiness eventually came back. I wanted to live a holy life and not offend God with my physical and love needs, so I decided to marry somebody else.

I met the love of my life (I thought) and couldn't wait to marry him. When our son, Oscar, was born a year after we married, I was so happy! But then I noticed his father also had issues with violence. This time when he tried to hit me, I beat him back and war started: name-calling, cheating, hatred. I became bitter and hardhearted. After six years, I admitted this second marriage too had been mistake.

Freedom

What was wrong with me? How could I face God? He had given me another chance, and I'd wasted it.

My kids don't need me as a mother. I'm a danger to them. I decided to end the marriage and escape. I told my parents that I was just going to work for a while and find myself. I left my two treasures with them, knowing my parents could raise them better than this failure of a woman.

Being where nobody knew me was like a sinner's paradise. I could do whatever I wanted, and nobody would care. Soon I found myself drinking, smoking, getting high to numb my pain, and indulging in sex. I tried to commit suicide two or three times.

This lifestyle became incredibly painful. No drugs, high, or men would ever make me happy again. I cried every night when I thought of my kids and how much I missed them.

Reunion

That's when I met Robert again. I had dated him when I was 18 but later met my first husband. I always thought of Robert as the prince of my fairy tale and wondered how my life would have been had I stayed with him.

Now fourteen years later, Robert was also looking for answers to his hurtful past. We tried to pick up where we left off, but there were too many painful memories of bad choices and failures. Heartbroken and depressed, Robert relieved his pain through alcohol and drugs.

We decided to patch our lives together and work to find happiness. We found it when our two little ones, Bobby and Zazzi Faith, came along. But after hurting each other with our bad habits and actions (adultery), I ended up at the verge of divorce again.

Rescue and restoration

In the depths of this pit God found us and showed us He still loved us, despite what we had done. The Bible says that God loves us so much that even when we were still sinners, He sent His Son Jesus Christ to die for our sins, forgive us, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Though salvation seemed too good to be true, Robert and 1 still believed and prayed to our amazing God. Now we had hope! We decided to trust Him and put our lives in His hands.

Marriage, I have learned, is about commitment and mutual respect. Most of all it's about loving God and letting Him be the center of your family. After eighteen years of marriage, my home is now a refuge where I can find peace and happiness. We have troubles and issues, but we know that He will calm those storms.

Work in progress

In 2003 God called me as a worship leader at the congregation in Las Vegas. Now I can share the miracle He did in my life and hopefully touch someone's life.

The Bible says that God loves sinners, and those He has forgiven much — me — may sense His love even more. My life was broken into many pieces, but God gently put it together until He made me whole. That empty space in my heart is now full with His love.

I no longer seek to renew the Church of God (Seventh Day). Instead I seek to renew my heart. I rejoice in His grace made new every day. And I realize it's not about being perfect, but about being forgiven. 

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From "The Bible Advocate" - Jan/Feb 2013,  a  publication  of  the  Church  of  God, Seventh  Day,  Denver, CO. USA.