CHILD-REARING AND PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
by Dr.Paul Meier
PART FOUR
FROM AGE SIX TO EIGHTEEN - GENERAL PRINCIPLES
SPIRITUAL Development
Michelangelo, the famous Italian sculptor, painter,
architect, and poet of over four hundred years ago, is reported
to have made the statement: "As the marble wastes, the sculpture
grows." This statement not only applies literally to the
development of a piece of sculpture, but also abstractly to the
psychological and spiritual development of our children. Nearly
three thousand years ago, King Solomon, under the inspiration of
God, wrote the statement, "Train up a child in the way he should
go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Prow.2:6).
It has already been stated in this book that approximately
85 percent of the adult personality is already formed by the time
the individual reaches his sixth birthday. After the sixth
birthday, all we can do is chip away at the last 15 percent of
unchipped marble in an attempt to sculpt our children into ideal
Christian young adults.
(I think that statement of 85 percent being over by age is six,
is TOTALLY WRONG - just is not true at all - with God's help ALL
KINDS of good can be done with your children AFTER age six -
Keith Hunt)
By age eighteen, they should be ready to be out of the
house, just as a young robin is shoved out of its nest by its
mother, trusting as she does in her offspring's God-given ability
to make its way in the world on its own two wings. But during
those twelve years from the sixth to the eighteenth birthdays, a
lot of psychological and spiritual struggles can take place in
the family - and most of them are totally unnecessary. The best
way to make it easy on ourselves as parents during this
twelve-year period (six to eighteen) is to love and discipline
our children effectively during those crucial first six years of
life (Again this emphasis on the first six years is totally
wrong, it helps yes, but many good improvements can take place for
your children after age six - Keith Hunt).
What I intend to do in this section is to discuss ways that
we, as parents, can mold that other 15 percent of our children's
personalities. We will discuss the problems older children face,
and the most effective ways we, as parents, can help our children
through these problems. But as I just stated, by age six we
should be knocking away at those final chips of inappropriate
marble in an attempt to complete a beautiful work of art. Our
primary concern must remain the ultimate inner beauty of
character rather than the outward appearances. If your
six-year-old isn't 85 percent completed yet, you had better get
busy!
(Again, a lot can be done to shape your child in the first six
years, but it is FAR from being lost or only 15 percent left to
work with after age six - Keith Hunt)
A. The elementary school years.
1. Identification.
Most children are quite cooperative (during these years.
They want to please their parents and teachers and adopt the
morals of their parents. "They continue to identify with the
parent of the same sex, learning both his good and bad habits.
Healthy and unhealthy communications between the parents
themselves greatly affect the child's own self-worth. A father
who is critical of his wife unknowingly is also tearing down the
self-confidence of his daughters, and the same applies to mothers
who criticize their husbands.
2. The budding conscience.
The conscience continues to grow during these years, and the
identification with the parent of the same sex strengthens the
child's self-control because he has a model to copy. He continues
to reason concretely until about the age of eleven, when, if
properly educated, he can begin to reason out abstract concepts.
I believe it is definitely possible for many six-year-olds to
have enough of a conscience to experience a genuine repentance
for their sins and acceptance of Jesus Christ as lord and Savior.
I have led a number of six-year-olds to the Lord, and I myself
was six years old when I put my faith in Christ. As they grow
older, their salvation experience will take on new meaning as
they learn many of the abstract concepts involved, but all a
person needs for salvation is expressed in the simple
exhortation: "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be
saved" (Acts 16:31).
(I do know a child of six can have an acceptance with God and
Christ - it may be somewhat immature, but they can feel the
basics, more training and time is needed to bring them to full
maturity in the Christian life, but if the help is there from
parents, school, and relatives, who are mature Christians, then
the seed bed is indeed fertile at age six - Keith Hunt)
3. The total devotional atmosphere.
I would encourage you as parents to create a total
devotional atmosphere in your home. By this, I do not mean having
your family sit in a corner praying all day. I mean loving,
communicating, playing with, your children, exhibiting the fruits
of the Spirit, and having some good sacred music on from time to
time, geared to the age of your children. This should not be to
the exclusion of good secular music as well. I don't believe we
can separate our lives into secular and sacred. I believe every
part of our lives is sacred - even going to the baseball game and
eating hot dogs! Some people are so heavenly-minded that they are
no earthly good.
Have family devotions together. This is a must. And make it
quite brief for children in this age group or it will become a
torture to endure rather than a happy time of sharing Christ with
each other. Mealtimes are good times for family devotions, but be
creative. Buy your children Christian story books to supplement
some good secular books. Reward them for memorizing Bible verses,
but select verses which are short and understandable to the
child. I decided on my own to start having daily Bible reading
when I was ten years old, and I've been doing so ever since.
There was no pressure on me from my parents to read my Bible
every day, since we had family devotions together every day. But
they had prepared me during the first ten years of my life to
such a point that when the Spirit of God moved me to begin
personal devotions, I was willing and eager to obey. Fathers,
take your sons hiking and fishing, and discuss godly children in
the Bible, like little Samuel, Hannah's son. Mothers, go shopping
with your daughters and discuss the shopping techniques of the
godly woman in Proverbs 31. Buy something together for someone
else in the household, or for someone in need. Don't sit around
at home watching soap operas. I believe soap operas are a
contributing factor to mental illness in American housewives
today.
4. Christian camps.
Christian camps are a good outside influence on the
spiritual development of our children. I worked at Pine Cove Camp
in Tyler, Texas, one summer while I was still in medical school.
It was a marvellous experience. My wife and I didn't have any
children of our own as yet, so we were able to devote ourselves
to the children at the camp during the week, and to each other on
week-ends. Pine Cove has the philosophy that if you wear a child
out all day by letting him have some good old-fashioned fun, then
he will listen to a brief but effective gospel message late in
the evening around a campfire. That was really effective.
Hundreds are saved each summer and many more rededicate their
lives to the Lord. I prefer this type of camp to those in which
the children are forced to study the Bible all day and wish they
were at home playing baseball.
5. Your choice of church environment for your children: A major
factor.
The church you take your family to is even more important. I
have already mentioned some of the characteristics of a
psychologically and spiritually healthy local church. I would
refer you to the writings of Getz, Stedman, and Watchman Nee for
what I consider a psychologically and spiritually sound church
(see bibliography). Allow me to mention a newspaper article I
once read. It was about a man in Memphis, Tennessee, who was
suing a local church because his son had been terrified by the
preacher's assertion that any boy with hair below the ears was
definitely going to hell to burn forever. So the boy went forward
when the invitation was given and a lady at the front of the
church hacked his hair off with a scissors. The poor boy was so
frightened that his nose bled most of that afternoon. When asked
about the incident, the minister replied, "But I didn't start it,
the Lord did - and it works." Well it may work for him, but it
doesn't work for me! The Lord told us to go into all the world
and spread the gospel, not our own personal hang-ups! The Bible
has to be our firm foundation and practical Christianity, our way
of life. A healthy church can be one of the must useful
influences in the emotional and spiritual development of our
children, and a healthy church stands on three legs, like a
tripod: (1) a sound doctrinal leg, (2) an evangelistic leg; and
(3) a relational leg, will, genuine sharing and intimate love
among the members of that local body of believers.
6. Right and wrong.
Hartshorne and May have conducted a series of experiments on
the moral development of children. Their experiments revealed
that even though children learn more and more about what is right
and wrong as they grow older, they also grow increasingly
deceptive. They found that children who were honest in certain
situations were dishonest in others. Children with lower
intelligence, with emotional instability, or from lower
socio-economic environments also lagged behind in moral
development. One of their most significant findings was that
children who were enrolled in Sunday Schools (Sabbath schools to
us 7th day observers - Keith Hunt) showed significantly better
conduct in the areas of honesty, cooperation, persistence, and
inhibition of undesirable behavior.
7. Piaget's findings on moral development.
Jean Piaget's studies of moral development in children
showed that moral behavior is learned. It makes me angry when I
hear liberal psychiatrists and theologians saying that children
are born good and society teaches them how to be bad. It's the
other way around. They are born with a sinful nature (well with a
nature that can sin is a better way to put it - Keith Hunt) and
we have to teach them to deny their selfish impulses and to be
good, using both rewards and punishments. Child psychiatrists do
this and call it "behavior modification," or the use of "positive
and negative reinforcements." These are just big words for what
healthy parents do when they praise their children for being good
and spank them or warn them for being bad. Solomon tells us that
"foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of
correction shall drive it far from him" (Prov.22:15). Solomon
knew about behavior modification three thousand years ago, and he
learned it from Moses, who wrote about it five hundred years
before that!
(Remember the "general statement" truth of the Bible. See my
study on that. There are many ways to correct children, and the
physical "rod" of spanking is not always the best way, especially
as the child gets older - Keith Hunt)
The six-year-old child continues to adopt the conscience of
his parents as his own, primarily to gain parental approval and
partially out of fear of punishment. At age twelve or thirteen,
the morals of his peers will take over in the areas where
parental example left off. He will choose the peers who most
closely resemble him in character development. Train your child
adequately in the first six years of life and you need not fear
whom he will choose for his friends when he becomes a teenager.
Parents like to blame their teenager's behavior on his peers, but
this is nearly always an excuse to relieve their own personal
guilt.
(It has to be trained in them AFTER age six - believing up to age
six is the key for whom they will have as friends, is wrong, up
to age six is not the gold-mine of locking in your child's
choosing of friends and other good or bad habits. Training
children is an 18 year job for all parents - Keith Hunt)
B. Those teenage years.
1. Are our teenagers really going to ruin?
Many adults think America's teenagers are going to ruin!
Well, many of them are, but many of them aren't! In May of 1974,
a Gallup Poll cane out noting that "seldom in history have the
American people so craved moral and spiritual leadership as they
do today. All signs point to the fact that religion is gaining a
new intellectual respectability in this country." Pollster George
Gallup Jr.went on to say, "The assumption that the educated
person 'needs' religion less, and is more ready to discard
religion as a product of ignorance and superstition, is not borne
out by survey findings." Referring to America's young people,
Gallup stated that "survey evidence strongly suggests that these
groups could well be in the vanguard of religious renewal in this
country." He added that "church attendance is as high - if not
higher - among persons with a college background than among
persons with less formal education." Many educated Christian
young people are at the same time hostile to organized religion
in general, and I have to admit that I feel the same way about
many of the failures of organized religion in this generation. I
think that most of Satan's biggest projects are being carried out
by various sections of organized religion.
Gallup compared his poll to polls carried out in other
nations, and concluded that "the religious character of American
youth stands out in bold relief when our young people are
compared will, the youth of other nations of the world." The
United States had the lowest percentage of atheists among its
youths - less than 1 percent, compared to 10 percent in France
and 12 percent in Sweden. Only 12 percent of American youth say
they have "no interest" in religion, compared to 92 percent in
Great Britain, 41 percent in Sweden, and 74 percent in Japan?
It's not surprising to me that Sweden and Japan are neck-and-neck
in a race for the highest suicide rate among teenagers. I think
the only reason Sweden is beating Japan is Sweden's atmosphere of
total permissiveness and lack of discipline, whereas Japan's
youth still have relatively good discipline, though almost no
Christian influence. Gallup concluded that "American youth are
not only exceptionally religious when compared to the youth of
other nations but also put a higher premium on "love and
sincerity" as a goal in life and less on "money and position."
(And all of that has not changed that much in this first decade
of the 21st century. The USA is still very religious compared to
other nations of the Western world. Britain has only about 3
percent of its population that attend church on a regular basis,
the USA is still over 50 percent, and in the 70 percent range for
people who say they do believe there is a God, and angels - Keith
Hunt)
2. The search for identity.
Teenagers naturally develop strong interests in ideals and
ideologies as they search for personal identity. While in this
stage of development, they are extremely ripe for spiritual
commitments, even though Christianity may have bored them
previously. They have a powerful need to strengthen their
consciences, and begin to look for reasons and meanings in life.
I was only sixteen years old when I made one of the biggest
decisions of my life. I was already a Christian from a godly
home, but was still struggling with what I wanted out of life. I
had feelings of guilt, and feelings of confusion about what
career to prepare myself for. I felt like a ship trying to go
somewhere without a rudder; and even if I had had a rudder, I
still wouldn't have known where to head the ship. I asked a man
in our local church for some help. He seemed so confident, so
sure of himself. And he was for real! That man was Dr.Bob
Schindler, who later became a missionary surgeon to Africa. Dr.
Schindler offered me a very simple answer that gave new direction
to my life. He simply encouraged me to learn Proverbs 8:5-6, then
meditate on it awhile. I was ripe for that passage of Scripture:
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine
own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall
direct thy paths." I was a Christian, but I hadn't been
acknowledging Him in all my ways, and I was certainly leaning on
my own understanding. Alone in my bed that night, about midnight,
with tears in my eyes, I committed my entire life to Jesus Christ
- a decision I still stand on and have never regretted. When I
quit struggling and finally rested in Christ, He started showing
me the answers I was looking for - and He gave me a real peace.
And so I know from experience that the teenage years are ripe for
spiritual development.
3. The spiritual climate of the home: some Jewish traditions.
I would again encourage you to create a total spiritual
atmosphere in the family, with emphasis on positive
communications between parents and teenagers. If you have the
right kind of discipline in the home, nagging will be totally
unnecessary. Alter you have read this book, talk with others
about some creative ways in which to develop a healthy spiritual
climate in your home.
There is one possibility I would like all of you at least to
consider. Jewish people have a religious and family tradition
that I think has great potential for emotional and spiritual
development. I think we should consider using a similar custom in
Christian homes.
When a Jewish child teaches his thirteenth birthday,
entering the teenage years, Jewish families have a big ceremony
known as "Bar Mitzvah" for boys, and "Bar Mitzvah" for girl
(meaning "son" or "daughter of the commandments"). They invite
all the relatives and close friends to this ceremony, and declare
the child a young adult, with increased responsibilities as well
as increased freedoms. The parents make a verbal contract with
the child, which varies with the creativity of the parents.
I plan to have a similar ceremony for my children when they
reach age thirteen. I probably won't give it any special name,
but if I would I'd probably call it something like "Son of
Responsibility" or "Daughter of Responsibility." I'll write out a
contract with my child, giving him some new freedoms along with
some new chores and family responsibilities. I will probably
agree not to spank him any more, because I think spanking is fine
for younger children, but is somewhat degrading for teenagers. I
personally prefer punishing teenagers with consequences related
to the offense. I will remind my child of his or her best
responsibilities before the Lord also, and encourage him to make
some personal commitments to the Lord, perhaps in the form of
personal devotions. But I'll truss him to make these decisions on
his own, so they will be his commitments rather than mine. I will
invite some relatives and close friends of the family, as well as
some of his own friends he warns to come. I won't allow anyone to
bring gifts to this birthday party. It has too many emotional and
spiritual implications to get then all contused with
materialistic gain. I have a Jewish friend who hated his Bar
Mitzvah because everybody brought expensive gilts and had a wild
time, almost totally ignoring him and the significance of the
event.
Anyway, this is merely a suggestion that I would like you to
consider. I think it would have the additional value of reminding
the parents that their child is growing up. Parents frequently
forget this fact and continue treating their teenagers as though
they were little children. Teenagers can reason like adults, even
though they are less mature; our communications with them should
show not only our love but also our respect for them as young
adults.
4. Finally! A faith of their own.
I would like to mention some spiritual developments that
typically take place either in the latter teenage years, or early
twenties. Before the teenage years, children generally accept
everything the parents say as truth, and their religious beliefs
are largely the religious beliefs of their parents. But luring
the late teens or early twenties, the individual's greatest need
is to feel independent of his parents. Paul Tournier, in his book
entitled "The Whole Person in a Broken World," describes this
stage in the life of a young person as taking off the "coat" of
his parents and morality and "knitting" a coat of his own - at a
time when he is basically insecure about his own ability to do
so. Tournier states that:
this crisis is necessary and normal. Before he attains adult
maturity the young man must go through this time of storm
and stress when he has to subject everything to question.
The day will come when he will discover again many of the
treasures of his childhood, when he will return to the faith
in which he grew up and the principles which were inculcated
in him. For they were true, and life sees to it that he
rediscovers them. But then he will give them a quite
personal turn; he will profess then, as his own convictions,
based upon his innermost experience. In psychology, this is
called integration.
(All that is just wishful thinking, and does not amount to a hill
of beans. Many do NOT accept the faith of their parents in this
world today as they go into adulthood. This does not mean you
should not bring them up in the truths of God. It is just making
sure you have the reality check. If God does not "call" them to
His word and truths, do not automatically expect they will just
fall into them when they are adults. See my study "Called
and Chosen - When?" - Keith Hunt)
I think this observation helps me to understand what Solomon
was saying when he was inspired to write, "Train up a child in
the way he should go, and when he is old, lie will not depart
from it" (Prov.22:6). Solomon doesn't say the individual won't
go through some doubts somewhere in the middle years, but simply
that "when he is old, he will not depart from it."
(This verse by Solomon has been very misunderstood by many in
Christianity. The truth of the matter is, if you have been around
long enough, MANY do not accept the faith of their parents, or do
not ever come to repentance, or serve the way of the Eternal God.
Many do NOT enter the "church" and die as un-Christian people.
This is just the simple fact of life if you have been around the
"church" long enough.
Solomon was using a "general statement" - that is all. And
general statements can have many exceptions. The book of Proverbs
is loaded with general statement. If you have not done so, you
need to see and study my study called "An IMPORTANT Key." Without
knowing this key to correct understanding of the Bible, you can
be led off into all kinds of false ideas. Many have "given up the
faith" because of wrong ideas about the Bible and God, in part by
not understanding the Bible's use of "general statements - Keith
Hunt)
I didn't have any significant doubts about Christianity
until I was in graduate school at Michigan State University at
the age of twenty-two. Then I began to wonder whether I believed
Christianity simply because I was reared in a Christian home.
This a logical question to ask. So I studied other religions,
Bible prophecy, and archaeology, and came to the conclusion that
Christ really is God, and the Bible really is God's Word to
mankind. I renewed my vows to God, and my faith was eventually
strengthened because it had become my own faith, not merely the
faith of my parents. I believe I was genuinely converted when I
was six years old and put my simple faith in Christ.
(He may have had a child acceptance of God and the Bible, so did
I, at age 7, but being truly converted at age 7 .... no I do not
think so - true conversion is much deeper than a 7 year old can
understand - Keith Hunt)
But when I was sixteen, I had more mature ways of looking it
things, so my faith took on new and exciting meanings when I
committed my life to Christ. And then, by the time I got to
graduate school, I had exercised the scientific method of
approaching things to such an extent that I needed a revamping
and revitalizing of my faith. By the time I got through medical
school and into psychiatric training, my faith was so well
founded that I felt confident in discarding any psychiatric
principle that in any way disagreed with Scripture.
(He has now shown that true deep understandable conversion and
repentance is much more than a 7 year old can understand - of
course we are not talking about Christ Jesus at age 67 He was an
exception, filled with the Spirit at conception, and the Spirit,
it is written, was not given by measure to Him - Keith Hunt)
I'm secure in the Lord, and I'm glad I went through
those maturations at ages sixteen and twenty-two, even though
they were somewhat painful at the time. It's somewhat amazing
that after each struggle, my doctrinal trends were almost
exactly the same as what they were when I accepted the Lord at
age six.
(That proves nothing really. I doubt Dr.Meier knows much of the
truths of God as they really are in the Bible. I had some truths
of God as a child reading my Bible, but certainly not all of
them. I grew into many more at age 18, when God decided to reveal
them to me - Keith Hunt)
That's what Solomon is talking about in Proverbs 22:6.
(It is and it is not - Solomon is talking about a "generality" -
which has many exceptions - Keith Hunt).
In his book, "The God Who There" Francis Schaeffer
emphasizes the need to ground our children in the Word of God and
teach then why we believe what we believe. He says we must
"communicate Christianity in a way that any given generation can
understand." If we as parents, as well as the youth leaders of
our local churches, communicate a living Christianity to our
teenagers, along will proofs for why we believe the Bible, we
greatly ease this normal maturing process for our teenagers when
they go through it -- and they will go through it, I promise you.
(Yes of course we as Christian parents must still teach our
children in the right way, what true Christianity is all about,
all parts of it, then we pray our children will want to continue
in that truth as well as growing in it all. But there is no
guarantee they will - the calling must still come from God -
Keith Hunt)
5. The area of temptations.
There are many other topics we could discuss concerning the
spiritual development of teenagers, but I would like to discuss
just our more briefly. That is the area of temptations. We have
already discussed temptations in some detail earlier in this
book, but this is such an important struggle, especially in the
teenage years, that I would like to share with you a few
additional passages of Scripture on the subject. God inspired
John to write, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my
children walk in truth" (3 John 4). He also wrote, "Sanctify them
through thy truth: thy word is truth" (John 17:17). John promises
our teenagers that they can overcome the world, stating, "For
whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the
victory that overcometh the world, even our faith" (I John 5:4).
But how will our teenagers get that kind of faith? Paul
says, "So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word
of God" (Rom.10:17). In other words, our teenagers need a vital
exposure to the Word of God. In his second letter to Timothy, who
was probably a teenager when Paul converted him in the city of
Lystra, Paul wrote:
"But continue than in the things which thou hast learned and
hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned
them: and that from a child thou hast known the holy
Scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation
through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All scripture is
given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine,
for reproof, for correction, for instruction in
righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect
[Greek word "artios," implying emotional and spiritual
maturity or completeness], thoroughly furnished into all
good works" 2 Tim.3:14-17.
The psalmist David writes:
"Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way, by taking
heed thereto according to thy word. With my whole heart have
I sought thee: O let me not wander from the commandments.
Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin
against thee" Ps.119:9-11.
Our teenagers are not fighting the battle alone, though! God
promises to fight the battle for them if they will yield
themselves totally to Him. James, Christ's brother, wrote,
"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he
will flee from you" (James 4:7). And we are also promised,
"Greater is he [Christ] that is in you, than he [Satan] that is
in the world" (I John 4:4). If the teenager isn't sure if
something is right or wrong, he is instructed, "Beloved, believe
not every spirit, but try the spirits, whether they are of God"
(I John 4:1). A good rule of thumb I followed when I was a
teenager is, "When in doubt, don't!" And teenagers should also
realize that God never tempts them to sin.
This is a popular misconception. James told us, "Let no man
say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be
tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is
tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed"
(James 1:13-14). So God doesn't tempt us, He delivers us. And
Peter told us, "The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of
temptations" (2 Peter 2:9).
If our teenagers can make it through these rough years, and
continue to mature in the Lord, they will have accomplished much.
Or rather, I should say that they have allowed God to accomplish
much in their lives. They will reap tremendous rewards in the
form of self-worth and self confidence. The Apostle John tells
us, "Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we
confidence toward God. And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him,
because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are
pleasing in his sight" (I John 3:21-2?).
.................
NOTE:
As parents we must always be willing to learn HOW to be better
parents in all parts of teaching, helping, serving, loving,
guiding, our children. It is an art to be the right kind of Godly
parents to our children. And yes we do need to learn from others
that went down that road of parenting before us. Through much
experience, time, and learning the hard way, for many, you can
find very good books of instruction on how to be the best
balanced Christian parents. You need to find those books and also
seek good instruction from others who have raised children and
have many things to pass on to you, both in the positive and the
negative - good things to do and bad things not to do, especially
when it comes to the "spiritual" side of their life. If you do
not lead and teach in the right way, you can have them running
from God and the Bible. If you lead correctly in the spiritual
side of life, you may have a good chance your children will
accept God, the Bible, and grow in grace and knowledge. But the
bottom line of that side of life is still the CALLING of God, but
you need to make sure you do not get in the way of that calling,
by doing and saying the wrong things at the wrong time.
Spiritual guiding of anyone, including your children, is a
serious matter. Take it seriously, but search out the good and
correct way to accomplish it all, in balance, mercy, and love.
Keith Hunt
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