Here I present to you (over a period of time) the wonderful old
book by Joseph Dillow "Solomon and Sex." It is in my view the
true understanding of the Song of Songs by King Solomon. Further,
and more important, in my view, it is GOD'S INSTRUCTION MANUAL on
the subject of sex in marriage. Mr. Dillow presents the Song of
Songs in a very up front and plain manner. God is the creator of
sex, so it is only fitting He should give us instructions on sex
in marriage.
The truly plain truth of the matter on Sexuality in marriage.
Thank you Mr. Dillow - Keith Hunt
SOLOMON ON SEX
CHAPTER ONE
Amid the current deluge of marriage manuals and sensational
guides to liberated lovemaking, one small, beautiful book
deserves all the attention the others are clamoring for, but it
lies misunderstood and largely neglected. Few people realize the
One who created us male and female also provided us with specific
instructions as to how we best respond as men and women.
Who wrote the book?
The author is Solomon, King of Israel. The Song was
apparently written during the early part of his reign when he was
still a young man.
What are we reading?
Solomon's writing takes the form of a lyric idyll, a kind of
love song. In a lyric idyll, speeches and events don't
necessarily follow in chronological order. It's like a movie with
several flashbacks; the story remains temporarily suspended while
the audience views a scene from the past. This explains the lack
of chronological sequence in the song.
Another feature of lyric idylls is the chorus. This is an
imaginary group that interrupts certain scenes to make brief
speeches or to give warnings. The writer uses the chorus as a
literary device to make transitions from one scene to another or
to emphasize a point.
The book is a series of fifteen reflections of a married
woman, Solomon's queen, as she looks back at the events leading
to the marriage, the wedding night, and their early years
together. These "reflections" are expressed in fifteen short love
songs.
The story behind the Song
King Solomon lives in the tenth century B.C. He is Israel's
richest king, and owns vineyards all over the nation - one of
them close to Baalhamon in the northernmost part of Galilee, near
the foothills of the Lebanon mountains. While visiting this
vineyard, Solomon meets a country girl, Shulamith. She captures
his heart. For some time he pursues her and makes periodic visits
to see her at her country home.
Finally he asks her to marry him. Shulamith gives serious
consideration to whether she really loves him and can be happy in
the palace of a king, and finally accepts.
Solomon sends a wedding procession to escort his new
bride-to-be to the palace in Jerusalem. The book opens as she is
getting ready for the wedding banquet and the wedding night. The
details of their first night together are erotically but
tastefully described, and the first half of the book closes.
The second half of the book deals with the joys and problems
of their married life. She refuses his sexual advances one night,
and the king departs. She, realizing her foolishness, gets up and
tries to find him, eventually does, and they have a joyous time
embracing again.
While she lives at the palace, the new queen often longs for
the mountains of Lebanon where she grew up. She finally asks
Solomon to take her there on a vacation. He agrees, and the book
closes with their return to her country home and their enjoyment
of sexual love there.
Symbolism of the Song
God could have used medical terms or slang in speaking of
sex. But medical terms cause a sense of awkwardness, and we react
negatively to slang. So God avoided both by expressing these
delicate things in the language of poetry: symbols. Symbolism
says more than medical or slang ever could, but without creating
awkwardness or evoking negative reactions.
When it comes to explaining the meaning of the symbols, we
will obviously have to use some medical synonyms. This problem
faces any tasteful interpreter of the Song.
We will follow the oldest attested method of interpretation
- the normal approach. We will take the Song at face value and
see how it applies to us today.
Some writers seem hesitant to believe sex was intended by
God for any purpose other than procreation. Therefore, they
refuse to accept a normal interpretation of the book. God, they
say, would never allow a book about sex (even in marriage) in the
canon of Scripture. So the normal meaning of the Song was covered
up ("It's a metaphor"), slid over ("Well, it does not really mean
that") and allegorized ("It's a picture of God and his people").
The book is full of metaphors and other symbols, but was
never intended to be an allegory. Instead, it is simply a picture
of idealized married love as God intended it.
As an example of how absurd our interpretations can become
when we reject the normal meaning of the symbols, some Jewish
rabbis argued the book was an allegory of Jehovah's love for
Israel. In this context the verse, "My beloved is to me a pouch
of myrrh which lies all night between my breasts" (1:13) was
interpreted to refer to the Shekinah Glory between the two
cherubim that stood over the Ark in the Tabernacle. Some
Christian scholars, following the same approach, concluded the
Song spoke, instead, of Christ's love for His church. They held
that the "pouch of myrrh ... between my breasts" referred to
Christ appearing between the Scriptures of the Old and New
Testament!
We want to remove these metaphorical mists and take a clear
look at God's guidelines for sex, love and marriage. As we do, we
want to also point to the source of answers for all other areas
of problems in our lives: the Word of God. God has spoken
authoritatively on sex through Solomon, and those who try His
guidelines will find them workable and true.
Was Solomon qualified?
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
concubines; how could he have anything to say about ideal
monogamistic love? If Solomon really believed monogamy was the
pattern God wanted men to follow, as he says in the Song, and if
he really was so ecstatic about his relationship with Shulamith,
his bride, why then did he continue in his lustful polygamy which
led to his downfall? Some possible answers.
(1) If Solomon wrote this book while practicing polygamy, It
would be a powerful argument against the fruitlessness and
emptiness of having many wives. It would be a poem emphasizing
the beauty of ideal love written by one who had experienced the
opposite. He could write from experience that polygamy is not
fulfilling as the way to find a maximum marriage.
(2) The fact that Solomon may have been a hypocrite doesn't
necessarily disqualify him from writing about how he should
behave. Solomon also wrote Ecclesiastes and Proverbs.
Ecclesiastes, written with the warning that life apart from a
relationship with God is like trying to catch the wind,
demonstrates Solomon knew from experience the truth about God.
In Proverbs, Solomon also stresses that ideal marriage consists
of one man with one woman. And he emphasizes again the abuses of
riches. In actuality Solomon violated just about every precept he
wrote about, is he therefore unqualified to write the book of
Proverbs? If you teach your children about the wrongness of lying
and anger, then catch yourself in a lie or a fit of anger, does
that mean your teaching was not sound? In the same way, the fact
that a polygamist wrote the Song of Solomon doesn't affect the
value of the book as a guide to sexual love in monogamistic
marriage.
(3) Because the Song describes Solomon when he was a young man,
in the early years of his reign, it is possible the wives he had
contracted at this time were taken in political marriages, and
that he had not yet degenerated into lustful polygamy.
Other views
Insofar as the aim of this book is popular rather than
technical, digressions into discussions of other viewpoints will
not be undertaken. This in no way is intended as a slight to
these serious alternatives but is simply a concession to a more
practical aim.
Hence the framework outlined above will be assumed
throughout the book and only defended at what seem to be
particularly important points.
FOOTNOTES
1 - Richard G. Moulton, "Lyric Idyl: Solomon's Song," The
Literary Study of the Bible (London Isbiter & Co., Limited,
1903), pp. 207-224.
2 - H.H. Rowley, "The Interpretation of the Song of Songs," The
Servant of the Lord and Other Essays (London: Lutterworth, 1952).
3 - For a good discussion of other views of the Song consult the
article by Rowley listed in the footnotes to this chapter....
..................
To be continued with "THE WEDDING DAY"
Solomon's Song #2
The Wedding Day
Here we really start to get to the truth of the matter in
Solomon's Song. It is time the restoration of this little
understood book of the Bible was proclaimed to the world at
large. The Internet now makes it possible. The book by Mr.Dillow,
an old one (30 years back - 1977) - is the very best. Solomon's
Song is God's instruction book for sex in marriage. God created
sex, He should be able to teach it to us - Keith Hunt.
CHAPTER TWO
THE WEDDING DAY
(Reflections #1, 2, Song 1:1-14)
WHATS HAPPENING?
As Shulamith enters the splendid residence of the king, her
feelings are mixed: she is awed by the beautifully bedecked
ladies of the court, but is also joyously anticipating her first
night with Solomon as the bride he has chosen from all the ladies
in his realm.
1:1 SPEAKER: The Song of Songs which is Solomon's
We are told this is the most beautiful and the best song of
Solomon, who wrote 1,005 songs (I Kings 4:32).
1:2 SHULAMITH: May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth
Shulamith is reflecting on how much she has desired Solomon's
caresses and how she anticipates them on her wedding night.
1:2b SHULAMITH: For your love is better than wine
The Hebrew word translated "love" is "dodem," which often
refers to sexual love. [1] It speaks of caresses and kisses:
Shulamith is sexually aroused and eagerly looks forward to
feeling Solomon's body against hers.
In the Hebrew culture every joyful banquet of celebration is
referred to as "wine." So when Shulamith mentions wine, she means
Solomon's love gives her more joy and pleasure than all the
celebrating.
1:3 SHULAMITH: Your oils have a pleasing fragrance
In Solomon's time, it was the custom to rub the body with
oil after a bath in preparation for a festive occasion. Also, the
Egyptians placed small cones of perfumed ointment on the
foreheads of guests at their feasts; body heat would gradually
melt the ointment, which then trickled down the face onto the
clothing, producing a pleasant aroma. This practice was adopted
by the Hebrews (Ps.133:2).[2] Here Shulamith is reflecting on the
erotic sensation of Solomon's perfumed oils.
1:36 SHULAMTH: Your name is like purified oil
Purified oil was highly prized. She Is saying she prizes
Solomon as highly, so that the very sound or thought of his name
creates in her heart a longing for him. Also, his name flows
smoothly over the tongue, just like flowing oil.
1:3c SHULAMITH: Therefore the maidens love you
She views Solomon as the most eligible bachelor in
Jerusalem. Then too, a woman in love tends to imagine that
everyone else loves her beloved because he is so outstanding!
1:4 SHULAMITH: The king has brought me into his chambers
She anticipates the delights of being with her love in his inner
room.
1:4b CHORUS: We will rejoice and be glad; we will extol your love
more than wine. Rightly do they love you.
At this point the chorus bursts into open song, rejoicing
with Shulamith. They agree with her that Solomon is worthy of
great love. (Remember the chorus is imaginary; here it serves to
bring out the bride's reflections on her wedding day.)
1:5 SHULAMITH: I am black but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem
Now the chorus is personified as the daughters of Jerusalem
(the court ladies and the concubines of Solomon). Shulamith,
probably feeling them scrutinizing her unfavorably, compares her
gypsy coloring acquired from an open-air life to that of the
lighter complexions of the city maidens. Although she is
different from the ladles in her outward appearance, she is
confident that she is as beautiful as any of them.
1:5b SHULAMITH: Like the tents of Kedar
This refers to the tents made of valuable black goat hair
that were used by the nomadic people of Kedar. [3] When bathed in
the flood of the evening's golden light, these tents were
strikingly beautiful.
1:5c SHULAMITH: Like the curtains of Solomon
Solomon's palace was hung with precious tapestries also made
from the beautiful black goat hair. Shulamith intensifies the
description of her beauty by comparing herself to these
tapestries.
1:6 SHULAMITH: Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, for the
sun has burned me
She explains to those who are staring at her that her dark
complexion has been caused by exposure to the sun.
1:6b SHULAMITH: My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me
caretaker of the vineyards
The phrase "my mother's sons" would have been unusual if her
father were still living; she would have called them "my father's
sons" instead. So apparently her father died while she was still
young, and her strict brothers made her work in the vineyards all
day.
Though we are not sure where she grew up, a strong
possibility is the mountains of Lebanon (Song 4:8). Solomon's
vineyard at Baal-hamon was not far from the town of Shunem.
Shulamith's name may have been taken from the name of this town,
indicating the possibility that this was her home. Since her name
could also be the feminine form of the proper name, "Solomon"
(indicating she is the "other part of" the king), it is possible
the poet wants the readerto see both ideas in the play on words.
1:6c SHUIAMITH: But I have not taken care of my own vineyard
As caretaker of a vineyard, she was a real nature girl: she
was not able to primp and take special paths with her appearance
("my own vineyard"). No Maybelline eyes or Jean Nate skin for
her! But notice she was by no means unkempt, or Solomon would
never have paid attention to her in the first place. The point is
that her beauty was natural, not contrived.
1:7 SHULAMITH: Tell me, O you whom my soul loves, Where do you
pasture your flock, Where do you make it lie down at noon?
Shulamith mentally addresses her love, who is not present.
She refers to him as a shepherd for three possible reasons.
First, being a country girl, she is familiar with shepherds
wending their way through the fields, carefully tending their
flocks.
Also, when Solomon first saw her on a visit to his vineyard
at Baalhamon he may not have worn his regal robes but dressed
instead in a more casual style for his visit to the country; thus
he could have resembled a shepherd.
And last, she thinks of him as the shepherd of Israel,
tending to the affairs of his flock, the people of Israel.
(Scripture often describes governing as "tending sheep." The
Messiah, of which Solomon is a type, is later represented in John
10 as the Good Shepherd. See also Ezek.34:12-15.)
At this point in Shulamith's reflection, Solomon is absent,
occupied with governing his people. In contemplating marriage
Shulamith ponders the nature of her future husband's job (love
him, love his work). Will she be able to locate him when she
needs him after they are married? Will he be able to attend to
her needs as well as the needs of the nation? She gives this
serious consideration.
1:7b SHULAMITH: For why should I be like one who veils herself
This refers to the practice of a harlot, passing through the
streets heavily veiled, seeking an invitation.
1:7c SHULAMITH: Beside the flocks of your companions?
She gently warns Solomon that if she has to go out searching
for him she will violate local propriety and might encourage
overtures from other men including some of his companions. The
very thought of appearing immodest or of encouraging the
affections of other men is morally repulsive to her. She loves
only one man, and does not want to even suggest she could have an
interest in another.
1:8 CHORUS: If you do not know, most beautiful among women,
Goforth on the trail of the flock, And pasture your young goats
by the tents of the shepherds
The chorus advises her that if she is going to marry
Solomon, she must realize he will often be about the affairs of
state and thus be inaccessible to her at these times. If she
can't accept this, she had better not marry him but return home
to live the life of a country girl among the shepherds.
Applications for Today
The first section of the Song gives us a wealth of practical
information we can use in the Twentieth Century. For example, we
see that Shulamith, before her wedding, has pleasant thoughts of
her future husband, anticipating sexual intercourse with him on
the nuptial evening. She obviously was no afraid of sex nor did
she have any preconceived notions that sex was dirty, sinful, or
hurtful.
This sets a key note of the Song: sexual love between a man
and his wife is proper and beautiful to the Father. Shulamith
reflects on how aroused she was and how she had looked forward to
making love with her husband on her wedding day. She had a "holy
desire" for her husband.
On counting the cost
Shulamith was wise enough to comprehend a principle: before
you say "I do," be sure to count the cost. In contemplating
marriage to King Solomon, she probably had an imaginary
conversation with herself which in modem vernacular went
something like this:
"Wow! Me married to Klng Solomon! Wait till the other Shunem
girls hear. 'Queen Shulamlth' has a nice ring to it!"
"No, you wait a minute. This marriage you're about to jump
into is not an all-expense-paid vacation in Jerusalem! Solomon is
a king, not just one of the shepherds. He's the shepherd of all
Israel."
"You mean he won't spend all his time gazing into my eyes
and composing love poems about me?"
"You got it. He'll often be gone for hours, sometimes for
days. And who will look after you? You think those palace
pretties will take you under their wings?"
"I get it. I'll be the queen, and it'll be my job to take
care of them."
"And everyone will be watching you, waiting to pounce on
your mistakes. The lovely ladies will be quick to help you see
where you might 'improve'."
"Here in the mountains I can find comfort walking through
the forests, but I guess there won't be any cedars of Lebanon in
the palace, will there? Maybe I could learn to like the sound of
wind sighing through the marble columns...."
"Your simple country life will be over, girl! From the
moment you finish the wedding banquet your life will take a new
turn, and you can never go back. You can bet your bottom shekel
it won't be easy."
"Yeah, maybe I'd make a better wife to Gazer the goat
herder."
"But on the other hand Solomon treats you like a queen. You
know you're more than a political marriage to him. He's
thoughtful, gentle, kind, considerate, strong, wise, tender-
hearted - and he loves you."
"Gee, I almost forgot!"
"Solomon knows you'll miss the mountains, and that you won't
be exactly at ease in the palace at first. But remember, he
promised you trips to the country. And he even hinted he's
planning a special place for you in the palace."
"Well, it's pretty obvious I have to make a choice: the life
I'm used to or Solomon. I can't have both. Which one am I
committed to?"
"Try asking which one you can't live without. Then commit
yourself completely to your choice. Just be sure to check the
loose ends before you tie the knot!"
"Thanks - I needed that."
Because she understands fully before marriage the life to
which she is committing herself, Shulamith is able to make a
decision of the will. She does not let her emotions blind her. So
when the hard times come, she is prepared. She knows exactly what
kind of life to expect because she has counted the cost.
Love always involves a sober evaluation of the cost of
commitment to a relationship that may not always be easy. After
all, it's "for better or worse." Ask yourself, "Can 1 learn to
live with his or her lifestyle and vocation?"
If he is a salesman and you can't stand to be left alone,
can you find ways to make use of this time? If you want your wife
to be home, but she loves her job at the bank, can you come to an
agreement as to what she should do? If he's a doctor, can you
cheerfully fix him coffee and kiss him good-bye when he gets an
emergency call at 3 a.m.? If he's a minister, will you learn to
smile in your goldfish bowl and thank people for their advice as
to your "proper" or "improper conduct?" If he wants to be a
missionary, to the jungle tribes of Brazil, can you leave your
home, family and country to follow him where God leads?
Hudson Taylor, ninteenth-century missionary to China,
realized his fiancee wasn't willing to go to China where God had
called him. It was either follow his emotions, marry the girl,
and not go to China, or follow God's leading and go to China
without her. He chose the Lord. God honored his choice by giving
him a rich harvest on the mission field and by blessing him with
a wife who supported him and greatly helped his ministry.
Christ put it this way, "For which of you when he wants to
build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost, to
see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid
a foundation, and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin
to ridicule him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not
able to finish!'" (Luke 14:28-30). The tower to which He was
referring was very likely a vineyard tower. Shulamith, caretaker
of a vineyard, knew how to count the cost - and she did.
But suppose you weigh all the factors concerning your future
mate's occupation, decide you can live with it and commit
yourself to him or her. Then after you're married he or she
changes his mind and decides to pursue another career. You didn't
expect it. You're mentally not prepared. And you can't see how
you'll ever be happy with the new job. What course do you follow?
Here is where love's tire hits the road. A wife in this
situation can either nag and complain until her husband gives in,
or go along with him in dutiful resignation ("Oh, Millie Martyr
doesn't mind!"), or thank God for the situation and commit it to
Him.
A husband can either announce to his wife what he is going
to do, dictator-style, or capitulate to her because he can't
stand to see her cry (or hear her nag), or commit the decision to
the Lord and then, taking into consideration his wife's feelings,
choose what he believes to be the best course.
Modest indeed
Shulamith, knowing her husband will be away a great deal, is
concemed about what might happen should she have to search for
him. Only "one who veiled herself," a harlot, went out looking
for a man; respectable ladies stayed home and were sought after
by men. Shulamith is afraid if she has to look for Solomon, her
action might be misconstrued and will invite advances from other
men. Not that they would mistake her for a harlot - everyone
would recognize the queen, but they might realize she is alone
and lonely and be quick to take advantage of the situation.
Shulamith wants to avoid every appearance of evil, and women
today would do well to follow her example. In Shulamith's day the
identifying mark of a lady of the night was her heavy veil. Today
men can still recognize a lady who is hustling by the way she
dresses. She may not go out actively looking for men, and she may
not be able to admit even to herself she is trying to provoke a
reaction by her manner of dress, but men still get the message. A
neckline too low, a hemline too high, or an over-all line a half
size too small are all noted by the male half of the population.
In a recent letter to a newspaper column a shoe salesman
complained about what women wear - and don't wear - when they go
shopping. He cited a young girl going braless, in a see-through
blouse. And, he said, her father was with her.
Even though dressing suggestively is becoming increasingly
common in our society, it is still suggestive. Men are still
aroused most strongly through visual intake, so women who provide
a lot for them to take in should not be surprised if men make
advances. If that's what you want, that's how you'll dress. If
you don't, you won't.
Attaching special value to our "imperfections"
Most of us have something about us we don't like. Often
these things are insignificant from the standpoint of eternal
values, but their emotional impact can be devastating. Sometimes
these "imperfections" are not really imperfections, but simply
things which society considers to be "abnomral" or unacceptable.
In Shulamith's society, for example, it was apparently not
in fashion with the court ladies to have a rough, dark complexion
tanned by the summer sun. Her response to this potential source
of social ostracism is instructive; she placed special value upon
it. To her, it symbolized true wealth. She makes her imperfection
analogous to something the society in which she lives values
highly, expensive curtains and beautiful black leather tents,
made of goatskin. Thus, that which is considered socially
unacceptable, she asserts is really of great value. It all
depends on one's point of view.
There is a sense in which real imperfections, viewed in
divine perspective, can be a source of true wealth. Paul found
this to be true of his "thorn." Some have suggested this was a
disfiguring eye disease. But whatever it was, it caused him to
learn dependence upon the Lord, and Paul rejoiced in it (2 Cor.
12:7-30).
Not long ago, I met a father whose son had a deformed hand
and foot. Some of the toes were joined together at birth - a
source of constant embarrassment to the boy. Naturally, his
friends were careful to point out this particular "imperfection"
whenever they got an opportunity.
This father had a valuable way of dealing with this problem.
He helped the boy see this imperfection as something allowed by
God for loving purposes to help fashion him into a Christ-like
person (Rom.8:28-29). Thus, this particular imperfection was part
of a special plan by a loving God and hence became a symbol to
the young man of God's special care and ownership. It symbolized
the true wealth God desired to work into his life.
From a slightly different perspective, an adopted little
Indian girl was called "princess" by her grandfather. In a day of
unfortunate racial prejudice, this little girl is being brought
up to regard her darker complexion as a sign she is a "princess"
- one of special rank and position.
While working on the campus during the late sixties, I
observed a new dress fashion among black students. Taught for
years by white society that black is "imperfect," that kinky hair
is ugly, black females (and males) developed an intense
inferiority complex about their racial heritage. They finally
countered this in the same way Shulamith did - by ascribing
special value to the very things white society rejected. They
began to dress like their queenly African ancestors and stopped
straightening their hair. That kinky hair and black skin became
symbols of their ancestry, of which they had every right to be
proud.
Has it ever occurred to you that some of the things you feel
the most uncomfortable about in your personality, heritage, body,
or intelligence, are really indicators of special purposes God
desires to work into your life? Can you view them as special
signs of His love?
A wedding day in ancient Israel always included a wedding
banquet. We have just entered into Shulamith's inner thoughts on
the day of her marriage. The poet now directs our attention to
her private conversation with her beloved as they recline at the
banquet table.
AT THE BANQUET TABLE (Reflection #2, Song 1:9-14)
1:9 SOLOMON: To me, my dading, you are like my mare among the
chartots of Pharoah
Solomon assures his bride that to him she is as beautiful as
his horses. To us this would hardly seem flattering, but it was
music to Shulamith's ears! At that time in the Orient the horse
was not a beast of burden, but the cherished companion of kings.
Solomon loved horses and particularly Egyptian horses: he
had 1,400 chariots and 12,000 horsemen (I Kings 10:26). His mare
must have been the most outstanding of all his horses, so he is
telling Shulamith she is one in a million.
He calls her "my darling" the Hebrew word is "vaghah." This
word has the two-fold idea of (1) "to guard, to care for" and (2)
"to take delight in having sexual intercourse with." [3] By
calling her this name, Solomon is indicating his desire to make
love with her and is, at the same time, affirming his protective
love and care for her.
1:10,11 SOLOMON: Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck
with strings of beads. We will make for you orna-ments of gold
with beads of silver
Solomon says the jewelry she is wearing is lovely, but he
will have made for her beads and ornaments even more valuable
than these, made of gold and silver. Notice he is promising that
little gifts and expressions of his love will continue after they
are married.
1:12 SHULAMITH: While the king was at his table, my perfume gave
forth its fragrance
The table here is a divan, a kind of round table where meals
were eaten in a reclining Fashion. [4] The perfume is nard, a
very expensive fragrance with which Shulamith has anointed
herself. She sees the fragrance wafting from her to the king as
an expression of her love reaching out to him while they were
reclining at dinner.
1:13 SHULAMITH: My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh which lies
all night between my breasts
This refers to an Oriental custom in which a woman would
wear a small sack of myrrh, a kind of perfume, around her neck at
night. All the next day a lovely fragrance would linger there.
She is likening Solomon to that sachet of myrrh: whatever
beauty and charm she has is brought out by him. His love brings
out her beauty (the "fragrance") all day long.
1:14 SHULAMITH: My beloved is to me a duster of henna blossoms in
the vineyard of En-gedi
A duster of yellow-white henna blossoms was often used as an
ornament. She says that for her to have the privilege of calling
Solomon her beloved is to her an ornament that makes her
beautiful. En-gedi was the location of vine gardens Solomon
planted on the hill terraces west of the Dead Sea. It was an
oasis, in the midst of a desert. Solomon is similarly a
refreshment to Shulamith.
To cherish and protect
Insight we can draw from this reflection deals with the
relationship of love and protection. When Solomon calls Shulamith
"my darling" he links his desire for her with his protective love
and care.
Protection and love go hand in hand. A woman needs to feel
protected because protection gives her security, and the more
secure she is, the freer she is to love unreservedly. Very often
the woman who feels secure in her husband's love and protective
concern takes great delight in sex with her husband.
Little things mean a lot
Solomon indicates he will be giving his beloved a little
"love gift" of silver beads and golden ornaments. Little things
mean a lot to most women, and they don't have to be gold or
silver (though they can be!) Gifts add to the romance of a
relationship. Whoever said romance has to die when the minister
says "I now pronounce you. . ."?
Gifts might include anything from Arpege to a basket of
fresh fruit. Men, how about some scented soap for her bath,
bubble bath, or bath oil, scented candles for the bedroom, wild
asters you picked on the way home, a mushy card (go on, she'll
love it), two matched cups for the coffee you share, a negligee
you'd like to see her in, or a poem you wrote for her. Use your
imagination! The greatest gifts are those given for no other
reason except to say, "I love you."
One February 3 my wife came home to find an envelope full of
money and a poem telling her I had saved the money so she could
buy the clock she wanted. She was very appreciative - and
particularly pleased there had been no "event" prompting the
gift. Why, Valentines Day (which I forgot) was eleven days away!
An ancient emphasis
The ancients placed great emphasis on bringing all five
senses to bear on their lovemaking. As Shulamith's reflection
indicates, they had a particular emphasis on scent.
If you or I walked into Solomon and Shulamith's bedroom, it
might have looked something like this: the wall would be lined
with beautiful linen and satin curtains which were coated with
scented powders to make the room smell erotic. The bedsheets were
dusted with scented powders as was the clothing. Furthermore,
their bodies were anointed with scented lotions. To top it all
off, they probably burned incense, and thus the whole room was
filled with smoke. (In fact, we would probably have choked!)
While these procedures may seem extreme to Western tastes, a
watered-down version can be fun. Some night, men, send your wife
to a specially-drawn tub of water while you put the kids to bed
and do the dishes. Just let her soak and relax all those tired
muscles. Give her a copy of the Song of Solomon to read while she
relaxes. Put some essence oils in the bath water and a scented
candle in the bathroom. You might even try burning some mild
incense to give the bedroom a romantic atmosphere. I think it's
time we Christian brothers used some sanctified imagination
around our homes.
Preparation for the wedding night
In the next reflection, Solomon and Shulamith leave the
banquet table and go to the bridal chamber for their first night
together. A newly married couple entering into their first
intercourse experience needs to be aware of certain things. Many
a honeymoon has ended in total disaster simply because there was
not an adequate understanding of sexual matters or because of
unrealistic expectations and psychological fears.
I would suggest "Sexual Happiness In Marriage" by Herbert J.
Miles, Ph.D. (Zondervan, 1967, cf. pp. 82-101). Dr. Miles is a
sensitive and extremely practical Christian counselor who has an
excellent discussion of sexual technique as related to the
wedding night. Tim LaHaye in "The Act of Marriage" (Zondervan,
1976) has an excellent and detailed discussion of making love the
first fime. He gives numerous practical suggestions for the
wedding night that would be quite helpful to any newly married
couple (or even a couple that has been married several years!).
Fear of inhibition
A marriage ceremony doesn't automatically remove twenty-one
years of emphasis on modesty from the minds of many new brides.
Miles reports one out of five new brides found it extremely
difficult to undress completely in front of their husbands on the
wedding night - and refused to do so.
An excellent Christian counselor I know, a person who has
had a very appreciated pre-marital counseling ministry, makes
this suggestion to young couples for the wedding night: when they
get to the motel, they are to draw a deep, relaxing bubble
bath.[5] Let the new bride get into the bath first while the
husband is in the other room. A candle lit in the bathroom, being
the only light, will produce a warm, romantic atmosphere. As they
relax together in the bathtub, they can discuss the day, talk,
and even pray thanking the Lord for the gift of each other. As
they communicate and share, the warn water drains away the
tensions of the day, and the bubbles sufficiently hide the wife's
body so she is not immediately embarrassed
They should then begin to gently stimulate each other under
the water, hidden by the bubble bath! As the sexual tension and
anticipation mounts, many of the initial inhibitions begin to
melt away and a transfer to the bedroom is more natural. This
particular counselor has had many young brides call him back
several weeks after the wedding and say, "Praise the Lord for
bubble bath! It was an excellent suggestion. Thank you."
While we have no way of knowing what kind of instruction
Jewish mothers gave their daughters as preparation for their
first night with their new husbands, it seems dear Shulamith has
no serious inhibitions or negative attitudes. In the following
reflections, we find a mature and sensitive young woman who is
sure of herself and has a healthy and positive attitude toward
sexual love.
FOOTNOTES
1. Franz Delitzsch, "The Song of Songs and Ecclesiastes" (Grand
Rapids: Eerdmans, n.d), P.20.
2. The New Bible Dictionary, ed. J. D. Douglas (Greed Rapids:
Eerdmans, 1962). P.906.
3. Delitzsch, p.32.
4. Robert Gordis, "The Song of Songs" (New York: The Jewish
Theological Seminary of America, 1954, P.43.
5 Dan Meredith of Christian Family Life, Little Rock, Arkansas.
......................
To be continued with "In The Bridal Chamber"
Solomon on Sex #3
In the Bridal Chamber
We continue here with Mr.Dillows fine commentry on the true
meaning of Solomon's Song.
CHAPTER THREE
IN THE BRIDAL CHAMBER
(Reflection #3, Song 1:15-2:7)
CONTEXT
The royal couple has left the wedding banquet and has
retired to the bridal suite. In the ancient world, it was
customary for a king to build a special bedroom for his new
bride. As they enter the bridal chamber, Solomon begins his
lovemaking to his wife with praise (1:15). She responds with
greater praise (1:16-2:1). Solomon tops her praise of him (2:2)
and she then outdoes his praise of her (2:3). Thus the lovers are
mutually extolling one another's charms with increasingly
powerful descriptions of one another 's beauty.
It seems evident that this increasing level of praise is
intended by the author to reflect the increasing level of their
passion as their lovemaking progresses. This must be the intent
because the end product of these praises is a request by
Shulamith to be refreshed with raisin cakes and apples (erotic
symbols) a reference to lovesickness (sexual passion), and a
request to be embraced (fondled 2:5-6).
Before going on to comment on the text itself, I think it
would be appropriate to pause a moment and lay out some of the
reasons for understanding these first three reflections as
occurring on the wedding day and night.
Anticipation and fulfillment
There seems to be a theme of anticipation and fulfillment
within the first three reflections. In 1:1-5 she longs to be in
the bedroom with her husband and in 1:15-2:7 we find them in the
bridal chamber. In 1:3,4 she desires the king's caresses and in
2:6 she receives them. She anticipated sexual intercourse in 1:4
and experienced it in 2:4-6. This anticipation and longing for
her lover is highly appropriate for he wedding day but would
violate the entire ethic of the Song (as well as the rest of the
Scriptures) if these reflections described pre-marital events.
Thus, the longing and fulfillment motif seems to unite these
first three reflections into a single unit describing the wedding
day.
The banquet table
This reference to a banquet table (1:12) fits very naturally
with a wedding banquet since this is a book about courtship,
wedding, and marriage. It is therefore improbable that any common
banquet would be meant.
The sexual intimacies described
There are many allusions to sexual intimacies that would be
wholly inappropriate to a pre-marital scene. In 2:6 she requests
that Solomon "embrace" her. Most Hebrew scholars agree this means
to "stimulate sexually, or fondle." Kramer notes an interesting
parallel phrase in second millennium B.C. love poems. In the
Sumuzl-Inanna love romance we find the phrase, "Your right hand
you have placed on my vulva; Your left, stroked my head." The
parallelism seems too direct to be coincidental.
She also says she is "lovesick." This is a reference to high
sexual passion. Furthermore, raisin cakes and apples are
frequently connected with sexual arousal. The great Hebrew
scholar Jastrow comments, "The raisin is again because of its
sweetness, an erotic symbol, like the apple in the following line
to suggest that the lovesick maiden can be rescued from her
languishing condition only by the caresses and embraces of her
lover."
In 1:2 she describes in anticipation (daydreaming) her
husband's love skill. His love is "going to be" sweeter than
wine. The word for love here is sometimes used to mean sexual
love.
The banquet hall
In 2:4 Shulamith comments that the king has brought her "to
his banquet hall." The Hebrew literally translates, "house of
wine." Every banquet of pleasure and joy in the Hebrew idiom is,
as we have noted, called by the name "wine." The "house of wine"
was a common oriental reference to the bridal chamber. Thus, the
text places us in the wedding night.
Her sexual awakening
In Song 8:5, which occurs years later, Solomon and Shulamfth
pass an apple tree as they walk along a country road. He comments
that it was there that she was first "awakened" - introduced into
the joys of marred sexual love. The awakening is associated in
8:4 and 2:6 with "fondling." In 2:6 Shulamith requests that "...
his right hand embrace me," and then warns against the careless
"awakening" of love in the following verse (2:7). Similarly,
after requesting that "his right hand embrace" her in 8:3, she
refers again to the careless "awakening" of love in 8:4. Then
Solomon says it was under the apple tree where he awakened her
(8:5).
This association with physical fondling suggests the
"awakenings" in this book refer to that of sexual passion.
Furthermore, this verb is used to mean a "violent awakening"
whenever it is found in this form (Deut.32:11). The word
translated "awake" is used at least once in the Old Testament in
awakening of sexual passion (Hos.7:4). The only other place in
the book there is reference to her being awakened under the apple
tree is Song 2:3. If 8:5 explains Song 2:3 to be a sexual
awakening, this probably places the first three reflections on
the wedding night.
Having suggested this chronological order, let's take a look
at the beauty of their first night together. First, a basic
commentary provides information on the meaning of the symbols and
then some comments are made which are applicable to twentieth
century marriage.
COMMENTARY
The scene that follows becomes more and more intimate as the
bride and groom leave the wedding banquet and proceed to the
bridal chamber. Although this is not explicitly stated, it is
implied in 1:16 when she comments on the luxurious bed they are
lying on. They have moved from the table (1:12) to the bed
(1:18).
1:15 SOLOMON:
How beautiful you are, my darling,
How beautiful you are!
Your eyes are like doves.
The dove is a symbol of innocence and purity; the appearance
of the eyes an index of character. Hence Solomon says she is
beautiful and pure - a virgin.
1:16 SHULAMITH:
How handsome you are, my beloved,
And so pleasant!
Indeed our couch is Iuxuriant!
The fact that the Hebrew word for bed comes form a verb
meaning "to cover" suggests that originally a bed was considered
a covered or canopied couch. Certainly the canopied bed was
common with Ancient Near Eastern Monarchs. Numerous illustrations
in Egyptian wall paintings of this era depict a canopy over the
bed of the Pharoah and his wife. At any rate, the richest man in
the world would fashion a bed from the most luxurious material
available, probably satin a silk.
1:17 SHULAMITH:
The beams of our houses are cedars,
Our rafters, cypresses.
As Shulamith lies on the luxurious couch, she observes
Solomon's thoughtful preparation in constructing the bridal
chamber. Because she comes from a rural background, Solomon has
apparently outdone himself to construct a bedroom that would
remind her of the open air and the country that she loved. Its
cedar-beamed ceiling and cypress rafters create a separate world
for them to enjoy away from the hustle and bustle of city life.
Solomon constructed much of his palace with cedar beams from
Lebanon (1 Kings 7:1-12). Furthermore, he built a separate house
for his wife.
Lebanon, Shulamith's home, is above all famous for its dense
forest cover. These mighty cedars have become symbols of majesty
and pride in biblical imagery. These cedars and conifers
furnished the finest building timber in the ancient East and were
sought by the rulers of Egypt, Mesopotamia, and Syria-Palestine.
The most celebrated of such deliveries was that sent to Solomon
by Hiram of Tyre for the temple in Jerusalem (1 Kings 5:6-9).
Solomon probably used some of this very timber to construct the
bridal chamber.
2:1 SHULAMITH:
I am the rose of Sharon,
The lily of the valleys.
She likens herself to a tender flower that has grown up in
the quietness of rural life. Sharon is a region between Tabor and
the Sea of Galilee in the neighborhood of Nazareth where Jesus
grew up in northern Galliee (1 Chron.5:16). The rose of Sharon
was a flesh-colored meadow flower with a leafless stem which,
when the grass was mown, appeared by the thousands in the warmer
regions. Humbly describing herself as a meadow flower, she had
understandable fears of being out of place, a common meadow
flower in King Solomon's palace.
The lily of the valley is a beautiful red flower commonly
found in Palestine. She thinks humbly of herself in comparison to
the king and alludes to herself as a common country girl.
2:2 SOLOMON:
Like a lily among the thoms,
So is my darling among the maidens.
Solomon takes up the comparison and gives its notable turn.
He says all the other maidens in Jerusalem are as thorns compared
to her. As Shulamith entered the splendor of the palace she had
apparently been struck by the beauty of the "maidens," the palace
pretties. But Solomon says her nobility of character and virgin
purity set her above all the sophisficated court ladies who have
spent their lives "caring for their own vineyards."
2:3 SHULAMITH:
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
So is my beloved among young men.
The tempo of their lovemaking has increased; they are now
actively involved in their love play. Shulamith praises the
erotic and sensual lovemaking ability of her husband. The apple
tree is a very frequent symbol in the Near East for sexual love.
In the Egyptain love song, "Song of the City of Memphis," a man
says to his lover, "Her breasts are like mandrake apples."
Gordis, the Jewish commentator observes, "Raisin cakes, which
were used in fertility rites (cf. Hos. 3:1), served like the
apples as an erotic symbol on the subconscious level." Zockler
also sees the apple tree as a symbol of sexual passion: "... just
as the sweet fruit of the apple tree serves to represent his
agreeable caresses."
The apple tree is used throughout the Song as a symbol for
sexual love (cf. 8:5). In effect, then, Shulamith is telling
Solomon what a skillful lover he is. He is an apple tree, skilled
at making love.
2:3b SHULAMITH:
In his shade I took great delight and sat down,
And his fruit was sweet to my taste.
As she sits (presumably on cushions in the bedroom) beneath
Solomon's shadow - cast perhaps from a lamp in the room, she
delightfully "tastes his fruit" Several different interpretations
have been given for this phrase.
Some have said it refers to being refreshed by his presence
as an apple refreshes a weary traveler. However, in view of the
obviously erotic nature of the symbols (raisin cakes, apples) and
the context ("Let his left hand 'fondle' me), this seems
unlikely.
Others have seen it as a reference to the sweet taste of his
words and works which make a happy impression on the one who
experiences them. Others see the sweet fruit of the apple tree as
a symbol of his caresses. In other words, she "tastes" his sexual
embrace.
In extra-biblical literature, "fruit" is sometimes equated
with the male genitals - or with semen, so it is possible that
here we have a faint and delicate reference to an oral genital
caress. At any rate, it seems to speak of the intense sexual
enjoyment they share.
2:4 SHULAMITH:
He has brought me into his banquet hall
And his banner over me is love.
As mentioned above, the "banquet hall" was a common oriental
expression for the bridal chamber. The banner of a king was a
long pole with a cloth attached like a flag. It spoke of the
king's protective care. As Shulamith sits in Solomon's shade
(protective care), she immediately associates his "banner" with
his love, since his love provides security, care and protection.
2:5 SHULAMITH:
Sustain me with raisin cakes, Refresh me with apples,
Because I am lovesick.
The phrase "I am lovesick" is literally "I am sick with
love." She means that at this point in their lovemaking she is
completely overcome with sexual desire. In order to alleviate the
"lovesickness" she requests that Solomon sustain her with raisin
cakes and apples (symbols of erotic love). In other words, she
asks him to satisfy her sexually without delay!
2:6 SHULAMITH:
Let his left hand be under my head,
And his fight hand embrace me.
Shulamith tells her husband exactly what she wants him to do
in order to alleviate her lovesickness, or sexual passion. As
they lie on the couch she requests that his left hand be placed
under her head and his right hand embrace her. Delitzsch says the
Hebrew word means "to fondle." She desires him to fondle and
stimulate her by touching her body. The description of the
consummation of their love in sexual intercourse is reserved for
a later section (4:16-5:1).
2:7 SHULAMITH:
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field.
That you will not arouse or awaken (my) love
Until (she) pleases.
At this point the reflection abruptly ends with this warning
addressed to the chorus, here personified as the daughters of
Jerusalem. Remember they are a literary device, not a real group
of people. Here they provide an "audience" to hear the warning.
The words in parentheses are not in the original Hebrew and
should be omitted. A proper translation would be: "That you will
not arouse or awaken love until it pleases."
Gordis convincingly demonstrates that the oath taken "by the
gazelles or by the hinds of the field" parallels the flsting in
some of the biblical books such as Esther and Ecclesiastes in
which an attempt was made to avoid the mention of the Divine
name. Hence, Shulamith replaces the customary oath "by the Lord
of Hosts" or "by the Almighty" with a similar sounding phrase in
Hebrew, "by the gazelles or the hinds of the field" choosing
animals which symbolize love. It is likely that the Septuagint
retained some recognition of Shulamith's oath by rendering the
unique Hebrew phrase as "in (or by) the powers and the forces of
the field."
The phrase "that you will not arouse or awaken love until it
pleases" is difficult and has been interpreted in various ways.
It has been suggested the statement is a warning against forcing
love to develop prematurely; it should develop naturally.
However, there are no indications in the entire story of either
her or Solomon attempting to "force" the relationship to develop.
Delitzsch sees it as Shulamith's plea to the daughters of
Jerusalem not to interrupt their embrace. While this makes good
sense in the context, it requires an unlikely translation of the
verb "awake." Delitzsch would translate, "That ye arouse not and
disturb not love Till she pleases." Robert Gordis suggests, "Do
not disturb love while it is passionate, lit. 'while it desires.'
Again, the Hebrew word means "awaken" and not "disturb."
It seems more probable the passage is a warning against the
awakening of sexual passion before "it pleases." Schonfield
translates, "Do not wake, do not quicken passion, Before it is
ready to stir." This view is defended by Zcckler. He says
Shulamith is giving a stray warning to the court ladies that they
are not to plunge rashly and unbidden into the passion of love,
that is to say, not before love awakens of itself ("till heart is
joined to heart, till God Himself gives you an affection for the
right man').
Although there are numerous other Scriptures that warn
against premarital intercourse (1 Cor.6:19), this passage seems
slightly different. It is a warning against the arousal of sexual
passion with anyone other than the person you feel God has
definitely led you to marry. Sexual passion is not to be aroused
until "it pleases" - until it is appropriate. While there is
still some ambiguity about the phrase "it pleases" and one cannot
be dogmatic about the meaning, this interpretation seems
preferable for several reasons.
(1) The theme of pre-marital chastity is stressed in several
other places in the Song, and its virtues are praised (Song
4:12,8:8-12). This interpretation of the warning thus fits well
with a major theme.
(2) As demonstrated previously, the "awakenings" are most likely
sexual awakenings. Furthermore, she was sexually awakened "under
the apple tree" while in the "house of wine" (the bridal chamber)
according to 8:5 and 2:3-6. Since in the context immediately
preceeding the warning not to awaken love, Solomon and Shulamith
are in the "house of wine" and she is being "embraced" it would
seem that the natural connection would be the sexual awakening
just described. Thus, the text becomes a warning against doing
what Solomon and Shulamith have just done (made love), until "it
pleases," (until a couple enters their own house of wine or
bridal chamber).
(3) This interpretation explains two similar passages in the
book. In all three cases the warning is not only connected with a
physical embrace, but it comes at the conclusion of a sequence of
reflections which leads naturally to a warning concerning a major
theme of the book (pre-marital chastity). These passages, 3:5 and
8:4, will be discussed in the commentary to follow.
COMMENT
Bedroom atmosphere
As Shulamith gazes upon the cedar beamed ceiling in the new
bridal chamber (1:17) she must feel touched by Solomon's
creativity and thoughtfulness. Where does cedar grow in
Palestine? In Lebanon! Solomon was trying to do something any
married couple should consider: creating a bedroom with
atmosphere.
Their bedroom created a "world-apart" atmosphere to which
they could escape. Many wives decorate their bedrooms as if they
were trying to impress the neighbors rather than create an
atmosphere for their married love. On the other hand, some wives
spend hours decorating the living room, kitchen, and the
children's rooms. But "no one will see the bedroom," they say, so
why spend all that time and money? Your husband will see! Have
you even considered creating an atmosphere conducive to romance
for you and your husband?
In many homes, the bedroom becomes the household "garbage
dump." When guests come for dinner, all the unfolded laundry,
clothes baskets, and other debris is cast behind the bedroom door
so the living room appears spotless. On a daily bass the average
bedroom is often cluttered with perfume bottles, hair spray cans
decorate the dresser tops, and if there is a desk, don't open it
or the entire contents will spill out onto the floor. REAL
ATMOSPHERE!
Many things could be done to enhance your bedroom's romantic
atmosphere. Some couples like fur bedspreads and a wood-beamed
ceiling. A number of couples have testified to the new vitality
introduced to their love life by a water bed. Others prefer a
four-posted bed and softly quilted comforter; some desire a
coordinated effect with matching drapes, wallpaper and bedspread.
What you like is what is right for you! Together you should
decide what you would like your love hide-a-way to look like and
then get busy making it just that!
Solomon's and Shulamith's bed was no doubt covered with silk
sheets. While that is financially out of range for the average
couple unless they are a king and queen, satin sheets add a
delightful feel to the bedroom atmosphere and are not prohibitive
cost-wise. Reserve them for "special occasions" (like when your
husband comes home from a lengthy trip).
There is no reason why bed room lighting has to be plain old
white light bulbs. If you have extra colored bulbs, such as red,
amber, or blue, in the nightstand drawer, you can change the
entire atmosphere of your love hide-a-way with a simple change of
color. Candlelight is also a fun illumination in the bedroom.
Anyone looks better by candlelight, and what better time to look
your best? A scented candle adds an extra touch. Ferns and other
plants provide a relaxing, warm atmosphere.
Music can be a real addition to your bedroom atmosphere. Why
not channel the stereo into your love hide-a-way? One man I know
recently surprised his wife by bringing her home after a date
into a bedroom in which the stereo was playing some romantic
music and the room was lit by scented candles. They began to
dance to the music and share their love. As they danced they
gradually disrobed one another and danced and talked in the nude
for about thirty minutes before making love.
It is this kind of sensitivity and romance that brings the
spiritual dimension of the intimacy of a relationship into the
sexual experience. Too many husbands tend to divorce the physical
aspect of their relationship from a total spiritual and
psychological intimacy.
Privacy is very important to a romantic bedroom. If at all
possible the master bedroom of your house should be very isolated
from the rest of the house. A lock on the bedroom door is very
important to most wives; total privacy is a key factor in
reducing any inhibitions.
Both Solomon and his Shulamite bride need a retreat they can
enjoy together to escape from the pressures around them. Solomon
needs an escape from the pressures of state, and his bride needs
the same in view of the pressures involved in being a queen. Your
husband needs an escape from the pressures of work, and you need
a retreat from your work or from the children.
She praised her husband's love skill
When in 2:3 Shulamith says, "Like an apple tree among the
trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men," she
is complimenting Solomon on his skill in making love. Would that
many twentieth century wives were as wise!
Frequently in the marriage counseling room a wife will
complain that her husband is routine, unimaginative, and
unromantic in his lovemaking. A basic principle in getting him to
improve is to emphasize what he does right - not what he does
wrong! Skill in lovemaking is probably more intimately connected
with a man's sense of masculine identity than a woman's skill is
related to her feminine identity.
It is much easier for a woman to establish a sense of sexual
identity than for a man. The basic biological functions of
menstruation, breast development, changes in bodily form, nursing
and bearing children, establish this at an early age. The man, on
the other hand, has only one basic biological identity point as
far as masculinity is concerned: his success in lovemaking. This
is not to say this defines masculinity biblically - not at all!
But it does explain a nearly universally observed difference
between men and women. A man can only establish his identity by
doing something. The woman, on the other hand, receives her
identity passively as her native biological functions mark her so
dearly.
Some have suggested this is a biological reason why males
tend toward aggressive behavior and females lean toward more
passive behavior. Thus certainly seems to be some truth in this
even though there is no biblical comment on it. If this is true,
it helps explain why a man's sense of masculinity is so intensely
tied to his success as a lover.
It is extremely important to most men that they feel
successful in giving their wives sexual fulfillment. If he feels
like a sexual failure, it can spill into many other areas of the
marriage. This is why impotence or even premature ejaculation can
be a crushing thing for a man. He takes a lack of response from
his wife in a personal way that many wives fail to understand.
When she doesn't express interest equal to his, he thinks she
considers him a failure as a man. He has not succeeded in a male
function that uniquely defines him as a male. Since a woman
doesn't need sexual intercourse to define her as female, she
might view her husband's reactions to her lack of interest as
"childish."
If you want your husband to act like a man, make him feel
like one! Continually compliment him on what a good lover he is.
Anything he does right, let him know! Furthermore, pray that the
Lord will give you a response pattern that perfectly complements
your man. The extent to which you can make him feel like a
success in his lovemaking affects his aggressiveness and
self-confidence in the business world, his sense of masculinity,
and his motivation to take over spiritual leadership in the home!
What are the limits?
My wife recently taught a seminar to about two hundred women
on this subject of "How to be a Creative Counterpart." The last
one and one-half hours of this two-day seminar deal with the
biblical view of sex in marriage.
At the conclusion of the session, she passed out slips of
paper and asked the women to write down any unanswered questions
they didn't feel she had covered. One lady asked, "What are the
limits God sets on sexual play between a husband and a wife? How
far should I let my husband go?"
Her use of the word "let" is a sad comment on the vitality
of their sexual life. (It kind of reminds you of high school,
doesn't it?) It implies she is the keeper of the "sacredness" of
sex while valiantly resisting the unsacred pressure of her
husband. But her question often comes up. Three biblical
principles would be helpful for each couple in setting their own
"limits."
First, unselfish love must be the motive. This is clearly
the thrust of 1 Cor.13:4-7. Love turns to lust when a man or
woman is obsessed by a particular form of sexual expression, when
he or she can no longer be happy without it. I'm speaking here of
forms of sexual expression other than sexual intercourse, such as
the oral genital love mentioned above (2:3). Paul says,
"Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is
beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be
mastered by anything:' (1 Cor.6:12).
There is another aspect of the notion of unselfish love. Is
your motive simply to use your mate for your own pleasure, or is
your motive to bring him, or her, pleasure? Ask yourself that
question the next time you want to insist on a particular form of
sexual expression that does not appeal to your mate.
Secondly, it must be based on mutual agreement. Consider Phil.
2:1-4 in this regard:
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,
if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the
Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy
complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being
one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish
ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others
better than yourselves.... Each of you should look not only
to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
I once taught a Bible study on the Song of Solomon and after
hearing my exposition of Song 2:3, one husband went home to his
wife and said, "There! It's in the Bible so now you must do it!"
He had totally missed the point.
The fact that some particular form of sexual expression is
found in Scripture does not make it right for every couple. This
will be stressed over and over again throughout the pages of this
book. The issue is mutual agreement. The Bible is silent as to
the question of limits. Each husband and wife are free before the
Lord to work out pleasurable and meaningful forms of sexual play
as long as they are within general biblical principles.
Many of the characteristics of Solomon's and Shulamith's
relationship simply would not be in "character" for your
relationship. Fine. God doesn't ask anyone to be something they
are not. He does, however, ask us to work on our negative
attitudes and try to be what our mate wants within the limits of
our own personality. Thus, everything in this book will not apply
to everyone.
The third biblical criterion for "limits" is quite simply,
mutual submission. This seems an appropriate application of Eph.
5:21, "... and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."
While sexual relationships are certainly not in Paul's mind when
he makes this statement, would not this verse apply here also? If
it does, then a basis of limits would be your mate's desires.
If a wife prefers certain forms of sexual expression and her
husband is hesitant or unwilling to meet her needs, he should
work on his attitudes. Likewise, a wife who refuses to consider
some particular form of sexual expression desired by the husband
violates this principle of "mutual submission."
Obviously, our submission to Christ is not a "duty" but is in a
spirit of joyful obedience. Once the great breadth of biblical
"limits" are realized, it is proper to work on one's inner
attitude to become all your mate desires. Obviously, immoral
activities like wife-swapping are excluded from this principle of
"mutual submission" by numerous other Scriptures.
They had a freedom of communication
A lady came in for counseling concerning some of the
physical aspects of her marriage. Her concern was that in twenty
years of marriage, she had never had an orgasm.
The counselor's first question was, "Have you and your
husband ever really talked about this?"
"No," she replied.
"Well, have you ever explained to your husband exactly what you
would like him to do to stimulate you?"
"No," she said, with quite a bit of emotion. "Why not?" the
counselor probed.
"Well, we just don't talk about it."
This dear lady had been experiencing twenty years of tension
because "we just don't talk about it." She had been doubting
herself as a woman and her husband doubted himself as a man
because he wasn't able to bring his wife to an orgasm. Untold
hurt, emotional pain, and frozen communication barriers had been
experienced all because "we just don't talk about it." (In
Appendix 1, some helpful suggestions are given from a biblical
and medical viewpoint toward overcoming orgasmic dysfunction, but
communication based on mutual love and understanding is
foundational.)
Notice the lovers in this chapter are very vocal in
describing one another's charms (1:15,16), in describing the
sexual pleasure the other is giving (2:3-5), and in describing
what they want each other to do to stimulate them (2:6). Your
partner may not know what you like unless you tell him or her.
Don't keep your mate guessing, upset because he or she doesn't
please you as you would like. Tell your mate exactly what pleases
you, and let your mate take it from there.
Do not awaken sexual passion until "it pleases"
Shulamith does an amazing thing from the point of view of
today's attitudes about sex. She emphatically warns the daughters
of Jerusalem not to become sexually involved with any man other
than the one they intend to marry. This warning for maintaining
chastity is repeated in 3:5 and 8:4; thus we know God wants us to
pay special attention to it. Why is the warning regarding
pre-marital sex interjected here, in the midst of the love scene?
Possibly because as she describes the beauty and freedom of love
on the wedding night, she associates that freedom with
pre-marital chastity. Thus a beautiful ethical setting for their
wedded love is provided. Sexual love is only intended for one
partner - the one God leads you to marry - and no one else.
As an orthodox Jewish girl she was raised in a home where
pre-marital chastity was stressed (4:12, 8:8-12), yet she seems
to have nothing but a healthy, positive attitude about sex in
marriage.
Sex education in the home is often an attitude communicated
by the parents rather than actual information or rules regarding
sexual behavior. Thus, a home with very specific standards will
not produce children with negative attitudes about sex as long as
the attitudes on sex and the spirit of the physical relationship
between the parents is healthy. A child often picks up attitudes
about sex from the spirit emitted by the parents.
It seems some evangelical Christians need to readjust their
attitudes on sex along biblical lines. Not long ago an
evangelical magazine had a cover photo of a young husband and his
pregnant wife walking together down a beach. Believe it or not,
many letters came to the editor expressing moral indignation and
shock, threatening to cancel their subscriptions. The cover was
considered "suggestive."
When another magazine described a major denomination's
report on sexuality, which included an affirmation that sex is
fun, a woman wrote in to imply it was virtual blasphemy to call
sex "fun" when God meant it to be "sacred."
Unfortunately some Christian wives tend to view sex as a
duty, as something to be endured as part of being submissive to
their husbands. They would never call sex evil because they
believe the Bible and know God created sex. But, on the other
hand, to call it 'joy' is just too much. Therefore, they settle
on the word "sacred," at the same fime giving the impression it a
something highly undesirable, a hush-hush subject one doesn't
talk or think about.
The Song of Solomon calls for some radical rethinking of the
"Christian" view of sex in marriage. In this beautiful love story
the twentieth century couple can find many points of contact with
their marriage experience. Let's turn our attention in the next
chapter to a Christian view of engagement as we glimpse
Shulamith's reflections of their date life.
...................
To be continued
Solomon on Sex #4
The Wedding Procession
We continue with Dillow's book "Solomon on Sex."
THE WEDDING PROCESSION
CONTEXT
As if jolted by a sudden noise, Shulamith's daydreaming is
abruptly focused on the gala wedding procession Solomon has sent
to her home on the day of their marriage. Chronologically, this
section comes before Song 1:1. After Shulamith sweetly remembers
the joys of their first night together, she reminisces first of
the days of their courtship and now of the glorious wedding
procession. In Song 4, she once again turns her reflections to
the wedding night.
Solomon has sent a bridal procession to bring his bride from
the foothills of the Lebanon mountains in the north, to the
palace in Jerusalem in the south. As the "scene" opens the
wedding party is nearing Jerusalem; the speakers are evidently
the chorus. They describe the wonders of the procession and thus
make a transition from the dream of separation (3:1-5) to the
events of the wedding night described in the next chapter.
COMMENTARY
3:6 CHORUS:
What is this coming up from the wilderness
Like columns of smoke,
It is possible that the Chorus here is supposed to represent
the inhabitants of Jerusalem who marvel at the gorgeous
procession of their king marching toward the city.
Perfumed with myrrh and frankincense
With all the scented powders of the merchant?
As a wedding procession moved along, a censer of
frankincense was swung at the front and back of the procession.
Columns of smoke from the burning incense marked the beginning
and end of the procession line.
3:7 CHORUS:
Behold, it is the traveling couch of Solomon;
Presumably Solomon followed traditional Hebrew custom and
picked up his bride at her home in Lebanon and then had her
brought back to his palace in Jerusalem. Thus Shulamith is seated
on the "traveling couch" and is being carried to the palace. This
traveling couch was a box litter with poles projecting from the
front and back and was carried on the shoulders of four to six
men. It formed a bed upon which she reclined, and she was brought
to Solomon in a cloud of incense.
3:8 CHORUS:
Sixty mighty men around it
Of the mighty men of Israel.
All of them are wielders of the sword,
Expert in war,
Each man has his sword at his side,
Guarding against the terrors of the night.
Her way certainly led through the wilderness, and Solomon
took special care to see she was protected against attack.
3:9
King Solomon has made for himself a sedan chair
from the timbers of Lebanon.
As the bride approaches, the king is carried out to meet her
on a "sedan chair" especially designed for the occasion. It is a
couch long enough for the rider to recline, covered with a canopy
and resting on pillars at four corners. It is hung around with
curtains to exclude the sun and has a door, sometimes of lattice
work, on each side.1 As the bride approached Solomon's "sedan
chair" she would enter it with him, and both would be carried to
the palace.
3.10
He made its posts of silver,
Its back of gold
And its seat of purple fabric,
With its interior lovingly fitted out
By the daughters of Jerusalem.
The headboard to which the canopy was attached was gold, and
the couch itself was royal purple, the color of kings.
The "daughters of Jerusalem" refer here to the court ladies who
had lined the inside of the canopy with flowers intermingled with
short sentences telling of the power of love.2
3:11
Go forth, O daughters of Zion,
And gaze on King Solomon with the crown
With which his mother crowned him
On the day of his wedding,
And on the day of his gladness of heart.
The women of Jerusalem collectively are addressed by the
Chorus and called to behold their king. The crown here is not a
symbol of royalty but of happiness. In ancient times garlands
were worn on festive occasions, especially marriages.3 His mother
wreathed a fresh garland around the head of her youthful son.
"The men have already welcomed the procession from afar, but the
king in his wedding attire has special attractions for the women
- they are here called upon to observe the moment when the happy
pair welcome one another," Delitzsch comments.4
COMMENT
This beautiful little song suggests several points of
practical application to marriage today.
Marriage involves public attestation
This is simply taken for granted here in that it follows
traditional Hebrew custom. In the varied morality of our society,
the question frequently comes up: "What constitutes marriage
biblically?"
I'll never forget an evening that my wife and I spent with a
charming young college couple who had been living together for
over a year. They had just received Christ. They were not
"marred." What were they to do? Did God want them to stop
counting each other as man and wife even though they had been
living together as such for over a year? It was obvious by the
way they related to each other that they were truly committed for
life and were deeply in love. Should they separate now and call
their relationship fornication?
Or consider a couple who have been "living together" for
four years. During two of those years they were legally married
to someone else. They are now divorced but very much in love.
They then become Christians, open the Bible, and it says that
they are not to get a divorce. Are they still married to their
former mates? Should they go back?
These are difficult questions. They are made difficult
because we have strayed so far from God's norms. In the case of
the second couple, if they are legally married to the person they
are living with now, they are prohibited from returning to their
former mates (Deut.24:1-4). What constitutes marriage as far as
the Bible is concerned? Unfortunately, the Bible doesn't state it
as specifically as we like. It more or less assumes certain
things.
(1) A commitment to leave the parents. "For this cause a man
shall leave his motherand father, and cleave to his wife; and
they shall become one flesh." (Gen.2:24). Thus, leave, cleave,
and one flesh mark three prerequisites of marriage. To leave
involves a break of dependency upon the parents and other
in-laws. Too many marriages today are harmed because one mate
continually sides with his or her parents against the other mate.
Or a wife continually goes back to her parents and undermines her
husband's authority and trust. This commitment means that, if
necessary, the person must be willing to stand with his mate
against his parents.
(2) A commitment to cleave. The Hebrew word translated "cleave"
has the notion of "to stick like glue." It implies a permanent
and unbreakable relationship. Thus, a basic prerequisite of
marriage is a commitment to one mate for life. Casual promiscuity
prior to marriage does not make one married to that person.
(This "theological" teaching that someone is to stick like glue
to a mate until death does them part, no matter what takes place,
is NOT supported by the Bible or the New Testament. For a full
in-depth study on Divorce and Re-marriage, see my study on this
Website - Keith Hunt)
(3) Sexual intercourse. Becoming one flesh involves a sexual
union. This is what consummates the marriage. Sexual intercourse
apart from the above mentioned commitments does not constitute
marriage.
(4) A public attestation. Throughout the Bible there is an
emphasis on obedience to the constituted rulers and authorities.
If the rulers require a legal license, the believer is bound to
meet that requirement (Many examples of marriage of God's people
in the Bible, were just witnessed by the immediate families only
- we need to be willing to read the WHOLE Bible and not just
certain verses - Keith Hunt).
Malachi 2:14 speaks of God's hatred of divorce. The prophet
describes it as dealing treacherously with the wife of one's
covenant, or mutual public promise. (This verse in Malachi is
VERY misunderstood, and has given rise to many false teaching
about marriage and divorce and re-marriage. In one section of
Scripture God COMMANDED people to divorce - again ALL the Bible
must be read to understand God's teachings correctly - see my
study on Divorce and Re-marriage - Keith Hunt)
References on obedience to ordained authorities are many (1
Pet. 2:13-25; Rom. 13:1-7). (Yes, but sometimes the situation of
marrying does not involve the so-called "authorities." What if
you were living in an atheist country or a Moslim country or a
country where Christianity was outlawed, and two Christians
wanted to marry each other? You think such countries do not exist
today? Think again - being a Christian in some countries even
today, could cost you your life. Many false ideas come about by
only reading a few verses, and not using natural logic. I have
commented a number of times on this Website about the danger of
"tunnel vision" when studying the Bible - Keith Hunt).
In Song 3:6-11 we find Solomon and Shulamith attesting their
marriage publicly (the only way it's ever done in the Bible).
(Maybe so, but publicly was sometimes between just the immediate
family or families - Keith Hunt).
However, the second factor - to cleave - seems to be the
most important and perhaps the only indispensable prerequisite.
These four points describe a general biblical picture of marriage
for which there may be legitimate exceptions. For example, a
public attestation may not always be possible. A couple could be
legally married and yet violate the first condition of LEAVE. But
ideally, these four factors seem to constitute the prerequisites
of marriage from the biblical viewpoint.
(Yes, within the rest of the Bible and its examples, with no
tunnel vision reading - Keith Hunt).
Public attestation is important
We are all familiar with the type of bridegroom who
stalwartly maintains he will endure the public ceremony because
everyone knows the wedding day is for the bride. It's simply an
unnecessary inconvenience he must go along with.
Solomon's elaborate preparations for the procession display
an interest in the wedding itself. This interest can come across
as saying, "Honey, you're a beautiful bride, and I want everyone
to know how lucky I am."
A modem groom, on the other hand, who demonstrates no
interest in the wedding or its preparation indicates the
attitude, "I want to many you, but ... this is such an awkward
situation, and I don't like weddings and ... I wonder if it's
worth it." The bride can pick up the unfortunate attitude that he
is unwilling to sacrifice for her, even that he is not proud of
her.
A wedding is a time of being set apart, a time for the bride
to be shown off and admired by all. If the groom makes it seem an
ordeal, it's as though the effort of showing off his bride is too
great for him to bear. Grooms-to-be, take an active interest in
the wedding plans. Even ask if there is anything you can do to
lighten the load your bride will be carrying. If she desires it
and it is possible, go with her to pick out the flowers, cake,
etc., as well as china and silver. Make fun outings out of these
ventures.
(Yes, under modern average situations and countries we live in,
this is a great time for BOTH to share with others in a joyous
day. But remember some situations of marriage in some countries,
for various reasons, may have to be simple and plain, with
possibly only a few as witness to the marriage - Keith Hunt)
FOOTNOTES
1. Rabbi Dr. S. M. Lehrman, "The Song of Songs, The Five
Megilloth," ed. Dr.A.Cohen (The Soncino Press, 1946), p.12,
2. Ibid., p.12.
3. [bid., p.12.
4. Franz Delitzsch, "Commentary on the Song of Songs and
Ecclesiastes" (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, n.d,), p.70.
......................
To be continued with a much longer chapter "The Wedding Night."
Solomon on Sex #5
The Wedding Night - part one
Continuing with Mr.Dillow's book
THE WEDDING NIGHT
(Reflections #8, Song 4:1-5:1)
CONTEXT
In Chapter 1:1-2:7, we find Shulamith's memory lingering
tenderly on their first night together and the events of the
wedding day. Then, in the window of her mind, she begins to
reflect on the events leading to the marriage. Her thoughts of
the wedding procession naturally lead her to thoughts of their
first night together. In this chapter we have an extended
description of their lovemaking on the wedding night.
It is difficult to be certain this is the wedding night, but
the close proximity with the wedding procession in the preceding
chapter tends to imply the wedding night is intended. It is
possible, however, that this chapter describes another lovemaking
experience months later in their marriage.
Thus, we assume the wedding ceremony occurred between
chapters three and four. Also, the events of chapter one with
Shulamith in the palace and later at the banquet table all occur
chronologically before this song but after the arrival of the
wedding procession.
The royal couple is alone. Solomon outdoes himself in
praising the beauty of his bride. The beautiful love song in this
scene gives us a glimpse into the consummation of their marriage.
The time of the scene seems to be late afternoon or early
evening (4:6). (We must remember that for the ancients, the day
ended much earlier than it does for us.) It appears that the
wedding procession arrived sometime in the morning or about
midday. Shulamith was then taken to the palace where she prepared
for the wedding banquet. There we met her in the opening verses
of the book. In mid-afternoon the wedding banquet was held. Now
the afternoon draws to a dose and twilight comes. The bride and
groom retire to the bridal chamber eagerly anticipating the
consummation of their love in intercourse.
COMMENTARY
4:1 SOLOMON:
How beautiful you are, my darling,
How beautiful you are!
Your eyes are like doves behind your veil;
Presumably Solomon and his bride, on the couch in the bridal
chamber, have initiated their loveplay. Solomon is overwhelmed by
the beauty of his bride and begins to praise her charms as his
eyes and caresses pass over her body.
A dove (with which he symbolizes her eyes) is a traditional
symbol of purity, innocence, and beauty.
The reference to the veil most likely does not refer to the
veil that covers most of the face. Even though Delitzsch seems to
think it does, several factors make this improbable.
(1) It seems rather unnecessary and even awkward for a bride to
remain veiled on her wedding night. The veil was to seal her off
from the eyes of other men, not from her husband.
(2) The text clearly states that Solomon could see her teeth
(4:2), her lips (4:3), her cheeks (4:3), and her neck (4:4), all
of which would be covered by the oriental veil. Jews used a piece
of silk or other material to cover women's faces.
In view of this, it seems preferable to take the suggestion
of Lehrman and others that the veil here refers to her hair
cascading down her head. Thus, the long hair of his Shulamite
bride hangs across her face like a veil, but between the strands
of hair he sees and praises her beautiful features.
Now prepare yourself for some seemingly unflattering praise.
4:1 SOLOMON:
Your hair is like a flock of goats
That have descended from Mount Gilead.
If a modern husband said that to his wife on her wedding
night, he'd either be met with tears or a purse hurled in his
direction.
This is a metaphor of subjective response. Many times poets
use certain metaphors in order to create a subjective response in
the mind and emotions of the reader. In this particular case,
these goats refer to black goats with long silky hair that
glistens in the twilight sun. As they wound their way homeward
coming down the restful slopes of Mt.Gilead, they created a sense
of restfulness and beauty in the eye of the beholder. Solomon is
saying Shulamith is like that. As he beholds her hair and her
general beauty, he is overwhelmed with a sense of quiet. He loves
to just look at her and take in what he sees. He's actually being
quite romantic.
4:2 SOLOMON:
Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes
Which have come from their washing;
To liken her teeth to sheep is to say they are as white as
snow. To say that they are like newly shorn ewes suggests they
are smooth. The allusion to the "washing" suggests that her teeth
glisten with saliva.
All of which bear twins
And not one among them has lost her young.
All her teeth are twins; they come in pairs, top and bottom,
and are evenly matched. Not only that, but she still has all her
teeth - she has lost none of "her young."
4:3 SOLOMON:
Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
And your mouth is lovely.
Shulamith apparently used lipstick of some type and other
cosmetics in a comely way which highlighted her natural beauty.
It is very difficult to imagine that Solomon's words are
separate from the parts of her body he is caressing. It would
seem rather awkward to simply stare at her without caressing the
parts of her body he is describing.
Thus, he starts his lovemaking by kissing her hair, teeth,
and lips and stroking these areas as well.
Next he kisses and caresses her temples or cheeks.
Your temples are like a slice of pomegranate
Behind your veil.
Her rosy cheeks veiled by her hair resemble the pomegranate
when cut open.
The preceding verse likened her charms to the rustic
background from which she came. But she is not only a country
maiden; she is the wife of the king of Israel. Hence, the
following features are likened to things associated with Solomon.
4:4 SOLOMON:
Your neck is like a tower of David
Built with rows of stones,
On which are hung a thousand shields,
All the round shields of the mighty men.
To liken her neck to a tower of David speaks of her erect
and queenly carriage. The shields refer to the ornaments that
normally adorned her neck as she walked in public. Shields were
often hung on the outside of a tower wall to protect the tower.
He is saying she is a source of strength to him. He needs her
strength and encouragement.
4:5 SOLOMON:
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle
Which feed among the lilies.
Delitzsch comments, "The breasts are compared to a twin pair
of young gazelles in respect of their equality and youthful
freshness, and the bosom on which they raise themselves is
compared to a meadow covered with lilies, on which the twin pair
of young gazelles feed."
The imagery suggests her breasts are uncovered.
It is interesting to observe how otherwise brilliant Hebrew
commentators will allow their cultural preconditioning to reject
the obvious meaning of some of the passages of the Song. Zockler,
for example, the brilliant German exegete says concerning this
verse:
A more detailed parcelling out of the comparison, as for
instance ... by Weissb, who supposes a particular reference
in the young gazelles to the dark colored nipples of her
breasts as their especial charm, and in the lilies to the
snowy whiteness of her bosom is inadmissible, and leads to
what is in violation of good taste or to what is obscene.
Detitzsch and others believe the text teaches what Zockler
asserts to be in violation of good taste. Zockler rejects this
interpretation because to him it appears obscene. This is not an
exegete speaking. It is a man conditioned by his culture so that
probable interpretations of the Song are ruled out by cultural
preconditioning and not by hermeneutical principle. Others might
see nothing in violation of good taste or obscene, but on the
contrary, something beautiful.
The symbolism of gazelle and lilies is actually quite
delicate and very beautiful. The reference was to the dorcus
gazelle, an animal about two feet high at the shoulders, and a
marvel of lightness and grace. The beauty of its eyes was
proverbial. One of the most common associations with the gazelle
was that it was a delicacy served at Solomon's table (1 Kings
4:23). They are delicious to eat. They are fawn in color and when
tamed are very affectionate. Furthermore, they have a
frolicsomeness and gaiety which irresistibly enchants the eyes of
the beholder and attracts them to come near and touch theme The
lily is curvy and is often therefore alluded to as an
architectural ornament.
Casual reflections on the many associations connected with
the words "gazelle" and "lilies" make his description of his
wife's breast pregnant with beautiful connotations. They are very
curvaceous like the lily. Their beauty creates within his heart a
desire to reach out and fondle them as one would a gazelle
feeding by a brook. The notion of frolicsomeness suggests sexual
playfulness. The fact they were served as a delicacy to eat at
Solomon's table suggests his desire to caress them with his lips
and tongue. As gazelles were warm and affectionate, so was
Shulamith as a sexual partner.
4:6 SOLOMON:
Until the cool of the day
When the shadows flee away, (at twilight time)
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
And to the hill of frankincense.
This appears to be synthetic parallelism. Thus the mountain
of myrrh and the hill of frankincense are the same place. But
what do they represent?
The female genitals are referred to in 5:1 as a "garden" and
in 4:13 as "shoots" (see discussion on 4:13). In both passages,
myrrh and frankincense are described as characteristic scents of
her "garden."
Thus, when Solomon says he will go his way "to the mountain
of myrrh," the reference to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill
of frankincense becomes, in this interpretation, an obvious
reference to the proverbial "Mount of Venus."
That this is the intent of the imagery is further reinforced
by the fact that Solomon's praises and caresses start at her head
and work downward. Note the sequence:
1. eyes - like doves
2. hair - long and black
3. teeth - white and smooth
4. lips - red and lovely
5. cheeks - red
6. neck - erect
7. breasts - full and youthful
8. "garden" - (mount of myrrh, etc.) - erotically scented
Solomon now sums up the beauty of his bride by saying:
4:7 SOLOMON:
You are altogether beautiful my darling,
And there is no blemish in you.
I once counselled a couple who were having some difficulties
in the physical dimension of their marriage. The trouble, on the
surface, seemed to be the wife's inhibitions. The husband was
rather distraught at her refusal to disrobe and display her body
to him.
The first question I asked him was, "Have you ever told your
wife you thought her body was beautiful?"
She volunteered, "No he hasn't. I had no idea he thought my
body was appealing to him. In fact, because he never expressed
that it was appealing I sort of assumed it wasn't." As a result
the inhibitions set in.
Every woman wants to believe her appearance arouses her man.
Solomon's sensitive to this fact and expresses himself
accordingly. Like any woman, Shulamith wanted to hear Solomon
comment he liked what he saw when she entered the room.
The problem is, many women have "hang-ups" about various
parts of their anatomy. They can stand in front of a mirror and
see scores of imperfections that never even occurred to you. That
appendectomy scar, for example, looks to her as if it's 18 inches
long. If she has picked up a few stretch marks from having
babies, as far as she is concerned her tummy looks like a plowed
field. Her thighs are either too fat or too skinny. Her breasts
are either too big, too small or too something.
Tell her she is beautiful to you. That's what Solomon is
doing here and he's doing it in poetry!
Now there is a brief pause in their lovemaking while Solomon
sums up her beauty in 4:7 and discusses a journey to the Lebanon
mountains, her country home.
4:8 SOLOMON:
Come with me from Lebanon, my bride,
May you come with me from Lebanon.
The passage is somewhat difficult in view of the fact that
they are in the bridal chamber in Jerusalem. Delitzsch argues
that the Hebrew of the passage suggests he wants her to go with
him to Lebanon up to the steep heights of the mountains. He is
promising her a vacation in the country. He will take her to the
country home she loves. He describes what they will see and do
while in the mountains:
Journey down from the summit of Amana,
Amana is the name of one of the outermost peaks of the
Lebanon mountains.
From the summit of Sent, and Hermon,
Hermon is the most southern peak of the Anti-libanus chain.
This chain of mountains (about 10,000 feet) forms the
northeastern border of Palestine. The springs of the Jordan River
take their rise here. Senir is another section of the same
mountain range. It is very probable that Solomon built royal
residences in this region. It was his San Clemente and Camp
David, a sort of northern White House. He is, in effect,
promising her a vacation, or perhaps a honeymoon in the mountains
north of where she was raised.
From the dens of lions,
From the mountains of leopards.
Leopards live in these mountains even today, although lions
have long since become extinct. From the heights of these
mountains, Solomon promises they will honeymoon together and look
down where the lions and leopards dwell.
Before moving on to verse 9, let's consider several
principles related to sexual love that are evident in these
verses. Put yourself in Shulamith's position. Two days earlier
she had been walking around barefoot in the vineyards in the
Lebanon mountains to the north In the past forty-eight hours she
had been transported south in a gala wedding procession, placed
in the splendid palace of the richest man in the world,
officiated at a wedding banquet, and now she finds herself alone
with her new husband at last. That's quite a lot to happen to a
country girl in two days!
Without a doubt she is probably a little restless inside.
She probably is longing for her Lebanon home. She feels slightly
out of place. Also, it seems evident she was somewhat concerned
about her appearance in comparison to the lovely court ladies
(1:5,6; 2:1,2), feeling she was only a "lily of the valley," a
common country girl. In view of these inner feelings, Solomon's
approach to lovemaking seems very exemplary.
In 4:8 he deals with her first concern - her longing for her
country home. He promises her they will return there for the
honeymoon. Her second problem, her concern about her beauty, is
dealt with in 4:1-7 where he tells her how beautiful she is.
Solomon's a mind reader! He is very sensitive to his wife's
psychological and emotional concerns and is not only concerned
with his own satisfaction on the physical level. Too frequently
men tend to divorce sex from the total relationship. Women on the
other hand tend to be so concerned about the relationship and the
"spiritual" aspects of sex that to view it as pure pleasure and
fun is offensive. Both extremes are wrong. Solomon is being
extremely thoughtful and tender toward his new bride. A woman
needs to feel her husband wants to make love to her as a person
and not as a "body" or thing. Their loveplay here was relaxed,
unrushed, and a time for enjoying one another as persons and not
just as objects. Too many men carry a "thirty-second" approach
into the bedroom and wonder why their wives never seem to be
responsive. In order for sex to be an expression of love, the
needs and desires of the other person should be more important
than your own.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in
humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you
should look not only to your own interests, but also to the
interests of others (Phil 2:34).
If your lovemaking tends to last only five or ten minutes,
you might consider whether or not you are really making love to
your wife as a person or simply using her for a sexual release.
Solomon's main concern was to satisfy his bride and not
himself, as a result he received plenty of satisfaction in return
(5:1).
After a brief interlude and joyful conversation, their
lovemaking resumes at a faster pace in the following verses.
4:9 SOLOMON:
You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride.
You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of
your eyes.
Her eyes were apparently very alluring and had the ability
to arouse him.
You have made my heart beat faster with a single strand of
your necklace.
4:10 SOLOMON:
How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride,
How much better is your love than wine,
Solomon says her love ("caresses," see discussion on 1:2)
are beautiful (2:3). They are more beautiful than wine, a symbol
for supreme pleasure.
When he says her love is better than wine, he is
complimenting her on her love skill. She was a skilful mistress!
And the fragrance of your oils
Than all kinds of spices!
Her oils, those she naturally produces, are more fragrant to
him than "all kinds of spices." Since the spices are also oils of
myrrh, etc., the contrast must be between naturally produced
"oils" (the moistness associated with feminine passion), and
external man-made perfumes.
4:11 SOLOMON:
Your lips, my bride, drip honey;
Honey and milk are under your tongue,
These symbols speak of the sweetness of her kisses. "No
doubt some historians of romance are under the illusion that a
certain kind of kissing originated in France in recent centuries.
This Song, however, was written long before that" one writer has
noted.
And the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of
Lebanon.
This apparently refers to a flimsy, scant, and perfumed
negligee she is wearing while they are enjoying their love
together. It must be sheer; he can see her breasts through it
(4:5) and her "mountain of myrrh" (4:6). This attire provided
Solomon with ample access to her feminine charms. Shulamith knew
how to dress for bed!
One woman in a book I recently read put it this way: "Wives,
if your husbands like black, see-through lingerie, don't wear
flannel pyjamas to bed. You're not living in a nunnery, you are
sleeping with a man." He's not interested in fighting through
yards of cloth or "missionary mumus" in order to find you.
4:11 SOLOMON:
A garden locked is my sister, my bride,
A rock-garden locked, a spring sealed up.
The garden refers to her vagina. When Solomon says it is
locked, he is saying it has never been entered; she is a virgin.
Gardens and vineyards in Palestine were surrounded by rock walls
to prevent intrusion of strangers. Only the lawful possessor of
the garden could enter it.
Solomon's use of the word "garden" to describe his wife's
genitals is full of poetic and symbolic beauty. The Hebrew word
"gannah" 's literally translated, "a covered or hidden place,"
and in the Eastern traveller's mind denotes much more than an
ordinary garden does today. Gardens in biblical times "were
usually walled inclosures, as the name indicates in which there
were paths winding in and out among shade and fruit trees, canals
of running water, fountains, sweet-smelling herbs, aromatic
blossoms and convenient arbors in which to sit and enjoy the
effect.
The literature of ancient Egypt, Palestine, and Babylon
indicates kings were especially fond of gardens and laid out vast
expanses of rich gardens containing the rarest trees and plants.
To the oriental mind, a garden was a place of shade and
refreshment. Frequently the ancient picture of Paradise involves
a shaded garden, the air laden with sweet perfumes from the
fruits and flowers, accompanied by the music of running water and
a couch upon which to recline. To the Hebrew mind, especially,
the reference to a "garden" recalled the beauty and perfection of
the Garden of Eden.
Only one who has travelled for days in a dry, glaring desert
country (such as surrounds Palestine), and has come upon a
beautiful shaded garden can appreciate how similar to Paradise
these gardens can appear. Thus to describe Shulamith's vagina as
a garden is to say it is beautiful to behold, like flowered
gardens of the East. It is also a source of sexual refreshment
for him to experience. As a carefully cultivated Eastern garden
yields delicious "fruit," so Shulamith's garden is a source of
delicious fruit (sexual pleasures), when "cultivated."
Furthermore, it is a source of fertility. To make love with
her is like entering Paradise. Her pleasures are secret and
hidden from all but Solomon - the rightful owner of the garden.
Not only does Solomon refer to her vagina as a "garden," but also
as a "spring sealed up" (4:12). Because water was scarce in the
East, owners of fountains sealed them with clay which quickly
hardened in the sun. Thus, a sealed fountain was shut against all
impurity; no one could get water out of it except its rightful
owner.
Thus, Shulamith was closed against the world and
inaccessible to all who would disturb her pure heart or desecrate
her pure person.
4:13 SOLOMON:
Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates
With choice fruits, henna with nard plants,
4:14
Nard and saffron, calainus and cinnamon,
With all the trees of frankincense,
Myrrh and aloes, along with all the finest spices.
The Hebrew word translated "shoots" is used in the Old
Testament to mean a missile or a weapon. It is also used of
plants or fruit (Jer.17:8; Ps.80:12). Both meanings make no sense
here. It seems Solomon's giving the word a distinct meaning
unique to the love song. This should not be unexpected as he
takes other common words and gives them erotic meanings ("oils,"
"garden," "fruit," etc.). Some of the commentators suggest the
word should be translated "they sendings forth." Although this
interpretation has the advantage of being very literal, it lacks
sense.
Perhaps Harris Hirschberg is correct when he says that since
the preceding verses are referring to the female anatomy, we
should think of the Arabic "shalkh," or vagina. Thus "the shoots"
would refer to her "garden." This interpretation gains prominence
in that the aroma of frankincense is attributed to her "shoots"
in 4:14 and also to her "garden," or vagina, in 5:1. The plural,
"shoots," is somewhat awkward in this interpretation, but it is
probably a plural of intensity like elohim (God - Gods is a
plural of intensity emphasizing the divine majesty). Zockler says
the term "plants" refers to a single plant.
...................
To be continued
SOLOMON ON SEX #6 The Wedding Night - Part two
Keeping romance alive
Continuing with part two of Dillow's book and chapter on "The
Wedding Night."
By calling her "garden" an orchard of pomegranates, he says
her garden contains the most delicious of fruits. Thus, he speaks
of the pleasure awaiting him there.
The remainder of the verse refers to exotic, fragrant
plants, most of which Solomon imported to Palestine. They
constitute Solomon's erotic and poetic description of her
"garden."
Nard is a fragrance-giving plant; saffron, a yellow plant;
calainus, a plant of reedlike stem and tawny color which grows in
wild marshes; cinnamon, a plant grown in the East Indies which
grows to thirty feet in height.
The perfumed oil obtained from the myrrh plant is called
myrrh and was used in gargles to scent the breath's. The ancients
were very fond of sweet perfumes of all kinds, and perfumed oils
were rubbed on the body and feet. Small pellets of dried mixed
spice and resins or resinous woods were burned in special
censers. Perfume was used to scent the breath (Song 7:8).
Clothing was perfumed (Ps.45:8; Song 3:6; 4:11). Couches and beds
were sprinkled (Prov.7:17). Frankincense was sometimes chewed to
give the mouth a fresh odors. The aloes plant grows in India; its
wood is very aromatic and was held in veneration by the natives.
The association of fragrant odor with the vagina is perplexing to
many women. For various reasons many wives consider their
genitals repulsive and cannot imagine how their husbands find
them attractive. God created husbands to enjoy their wives
bodies, including the genitals. When the genitals have been
thoroughly cleaned with soap and water, and when a woman is
sexually aroused, there is a faint and very stimulating odor
associated with the moistness. When he says her garden contains
"the finest spices," he means it is as rare and as much to be
valued as the most precious of aromatic herbs.
It is interesting again to see how some of the commentators
avoid the obvious implications of Solomon's praises of the
"scent" of her "garden." For example, Zockler in Lange's
commentary says, "A particular explanation of the individual
products of the garden is, on the whole, impossible, and leads to
what is a variance with good taste." But why is it "in variance
with good taste" if God included it in Scripture and sanctioned
it as beautiful and holy?
4:15 SOLOMON:
You are a garden spring, A well of fresh water,
And streams flowing from Lebanon.
To him, she is not a sealed garden. Her garden is an open
well from which he can draw refreshment as a tired and thirsty
traveller could at a fountain. To what do the "streams flowing
from Lebanon" refer? This phrase is used in Prov. 5:16 in a
similar sexual context of male semen:
Drink water from your own cistern
And fresh water from your own well.
That is, have sexual intercourse only with your own wife;
Should your springs be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
McKane says, "It is the male semen which constitutes the
'springs'and channels of water..."
Let them be yours alone,
And not for strangers with you.
"...intercourse with a strange woman is a waste of semen,
since it is the fathering of children from a strange household
and a consequent neglect of the building up of one's own house
and posterity." McKane could have added that it is also immoral!
There seems to be a parallel thought here with Song 4:15; both
passages are written by the same author, Solomon.
The wife in Prov.5:15,16.
The husband in Prov.5:16
waters out of a cistern
lest thy fountains be dispersed
running waters out of thine
own well
rivers of water
If the "fountains" and waters of the male refer to his
semen, then what do the rivers of waters of the wife refer to? As
semen is the product of his sexual excitement, so running waters
must be the product of hers. Thus, the running waters would refer
to the juices which lubricate the vagina during intercourse.
Since these streams were also a symbol of refreshment, the
reference speaks of the sexual refreshment her garden provided.
It is worth noting she doesn't request sexual intercourse (4:16)
until she is already well-lubricated. Too many husbands tend to
start their lovemaking by direct genital stimulation, or they
begin intercourse before the wife specifically indicates she is
close to a climax and well lubricated. The mere fact that she is
lubricated, however, does not mean she is ready for intercourse.
Let her tell you when she's ready like Shulamith told Solomon.
4:16 SHULAMITH:
Awake, O north wind
And come, wind of the south.
She now responds to Solomon's praises. She calls him the
north and south winds. The north wind brings clear weather and
removes clouds, and the south brings warmth and moisture. When
they blew across a garden in Palestine, coolness and sultriness,
cold and heat, would promote the growth of the garden. She is
asking Solomon to stimulate her garden with caresses to promote
the growth of her sexual passion.
Make my garden breathe out fragrance,
Let its spices be wafted abroad.
As the "winds" blow through her garden, first from one
direction and then from another, Shulamith's sexual passion grows
and grows until all the fragrance of the garden rises in waves to
become a sea of incense. She wants everything in her which
pleases her lover to show itself to him in full power and
loveliness. As a traveller passed by an Eastern garden its scent
would draw him to enter it. Shulamith wants her garden to become
more and more "enticing" to Solomon as a result of his caresses.
She wants a "sea of incense" to draw his interest to her garden
until his passion is great! She completely accepts her femininity
and is anxious that Solomon fully experience what she has to
offer. She relishes the fact that Solomon is highly aroused by
the sight of her garden and by caressing it. What a healthy
attitude!
Now that she is fully aroused, she requests that Solomon
enter her.
4:16 SHULAMITH:
May my beloved come into his garden
And eat its choice fruits!
5:1 SOLOMON:
I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride
I have gathered my myrrh along with my balsam.
I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine
and my milk.
To gather, eat, and drink are all terms that speak of sexual
enjoyment. Delitzsch says, "It supposes a union of love, such as
is the conclusion of marriage following the betrothal, the
God-ordained aim of sexual love within the limits of morality."
These references to wine and milk would be readily
understood in that culture as fertility symbols. Thus the poet
sings of the mixture of his love with hers, of his semen with her
vaginal moistness at the climax of their love.
After their love is consummated, a new speaker is
introduced:
5:1
Eat, Friends,
Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.
The commentators have differed widely on the identity of
this speaker. The intimacies of the scene make consideration of a
real human observer impossible. It cannot be the lovers who are
speaking, for they are the ones being addressed.
The poet seems to say this is the voice of God Himself. Only
the Lord could pronounce such an affirmation. He, of course, was
the most intimate observer of all. Their love came from Him (Song
8:7). Thus, the Lord pronounces His full approval on everything
that has taken place. He encourages them to drink deeply of the
gift of sexual love.
There is a beautiful unity to this chapter. It opens with
Solomon's praise and his concern for the emotional state of his
bride (4:1-7). Their lovep-lay pauses while he promises her a
honeymoon in the Lebanon mountains to the north (4:8). They then
resume their love play and his heart beats faster and faster
(4:9-11). He begins to caress her garden and stimulate her
passion (4:12-15). She then invites him to enter her (4:16): they
consummate their love (5:1), and the Lord pronounces His approval
on everything that has taken place.
COMMENT
Bedroom language
Notice the very erotic and sensual language they use to
stimulate each other as they are making love. She speaks of the
spices of her garden being wafted abroad. She asks him to eat of
her garden's fruit. He calls her vagina a fruit orchard and
describes her vaginal moistness as streams flowing from Lebanon
(her home town). His genitals are called "fruit" in Song 2:3 and
hers a "garden" in 4:12-16. The song has dealt very delicately
with some extremely erotic and personal subjects, and yet one can
read it and not take offense.
Robert Gordis discusses the value of poetic symbolism in
subjects like this very well.
It is characteristic of the delicacy of the songs that the
woman in each case expresses her desire for love by
indirection. While a blunt avowal would repel by its
crassness, the use of symbolism, which conceals as it
reveals, heightens by its subtlety the charm of the
sentiments expressed. Psychoanalytic theory has offered a
highly plausible explanation for this powerful appeal of
symbolism to the human spirit.
According to psychoanalysis the unconscious persistently
seeks some avenue of expression which will elude the
'censor' who stands guard over the conscious mind. Symbolism
performs this liberating function for the unconscious
admirably, because, in its very nature, it expresses far
more than it says; its nuances are at best as significant as
its explications. Its overt meaning has nothing in it to
arouse the vigilance of the censor, and meanwhile its deeper
context is able to cross the threshold of consciousness.
In translating the symbolism, one risks the danger of
appearing crass. This is the ever-present danger in this book!
When God spoke of personal aspects of sex, He could have used the
slang terms; however, they would tend to raise up that
psychological censor. He could have used the medical terms, but
that leaves a feeling of "mechanics" and science and often a
sense of awkwardness.
The Lord avoided both problems by using poetic symbolism. It
is impossible, however, for the interpreter of the Song to leave
it in poetry; to do so leaves it without interpretation to modern
readers unfamiliar with ancient oriental symbols. It is the job
of a commentator to explain the symbols just as an expositor of
the book of Revelation must do.
On "dressing up" for your mate
While it is certainly true that God looks on the heart, and
that the focus on clothes and appearance can be overdone, it is
also true that the letters M-R-S (Mrs.) before your name do not
stand for Miserable Rut of Sloppiness, or Miss Rummage Sale. But
judging from the looks of the typical housewife, you would never
know it.
Take a look at nine out of ten women pushing carts in a
supermarket. They look like survivors of a shipwreck wearing
clothes distributed by the Red Cross. They spend more time
selecting a head of cabbage than a new shade of lipstick.
The next time you go shopping, count the number of women you feel
the average man would find sexy. The aisles of a supermarket
offer a horrifying potpourri of feminine ugliness. The 'Girl
Scout Leader' types with their pulled-back
run-a-quick-comb-through-it hair and hem lines that are never
quite right. The 'good mother' types with their cracked
fingernails and broken-zippered Bermudas (hair forever in plastic
curlers)
Ask yourself this question, ladies: "Would I have wanted him
to see me looking this way before we were married?" If you cannot
answer yes, you need to make some changes. When your husband
leaves for work, he carries a picture of you in his mind. Is that
image likely to give him romantic thoughts during his afternoon
coffee break? Solomon says the image of the Shulamite left these
kinds of thoughts in his mind!
It seems strange that wives and husbands often save their
best for comparative strangers while their mate must settle for
what he (she) can get. After you collapse on the couch completely
"exhausted" from a "hard day," he's supposed to understand,
right? He ought to; you have explained it to him in tiresome
detail. Yet let an insurance salesman or a friend drop by, and
instantly you become all smiles, coffee, and conversation.
What do you look like when he comes home from work? Do you
get the house ready, and more importantly do you get yourself
ready? A man needs a "magnet" at home that keeps drawing him
back. If he does not find that magnet at home, there are hundreds
of them out in the business world. The girls at the office always
appear to him at their best! The way Shulamith dresses has a
definite effect on her sex appeal to her husband. Note in 4:11
where Solomon comments on the "fragrance of her garments." She is
skilled in the use of perfumes and cosmetics which make her as
attractive to her husband as possible (see 1:9,10,15; 4:1-7;
6:4-9; 7:1-7).
These comments need some qualification. No woman should be
expected to appear as if she stepped out of a beauty parlor
twenty-four hours a day. The home should be a place where one can
relax and "let your hair down." All we are suggesting is that
often we let too much hair down and the result is very
thoughtless.
Men are no less guilty of sloppiness than many women. Too
many husbands lay around the house in sweat-shirts or dirty work
clothes. They lounge in front of the TV set watching football
with their overweight bellies hanging over their belts and wonder
why their wives are not sexually responsive to them.
Do you make her feel needed?
Solomon did! When he gazed at her body and referred to the
stately carriage of her neck (4:4), he was poetically telling
her, "My darling, you are a constant source of encouragement and
strength for me. I need you desperately to carry out my
responsibilities as King of Israel."
Have you ever told your wife something like that? She needs
to feel needed. You also need to feel needed. If your boss
continually communicated to you that you were unnecessary to the
function of the company, your motivations to do a good job would
rapidly disappear. You and the family are her world. She needs to
know she's succeeding at her "job" just as much as you need that
assurance on yours.
The problem is she often has a difficult time trying to
determine exactly what you need her for. She pleasures you in
bed, takes care of your things, keeps the place attractive for
you and sees that there are three meals on the table every day.
But what else? She wants to know how much you appreciate her
encouragement. Tell her what her support does to give you the
incentive to go on. Tell her you need to know she believes in
you, trusts you, and has faith in you. She needs to know you
recognize that need and rely on her faith.
Resident Ford in his acceptance speech said, "I am indebted
to no man and to only one woman." He was telling the world she
contributed to his success. He was giving her honor (1 Peter
3:7).
If it is difficult for you to express this to her, work on
your inhibitions; you might try writing it all out in loving
detail and sending it to her in a special delivery letter! She
may tend to evaluate herself in terms of dishwashing, floor
scrubbing, and all those other "busy" charm and believe me, it
isn't these things that make her feel important in your life!
The biblical definition of "romance"
Women are incurable romantics with no discernable interest
in being cured. If you ever wrote her any love letters, chances
are she has kept every one of them. Men are harmed by a lack of
romantic love to a much less degree than importance to her. If a
man is denied this, he generally throws himself into his work and
finds fulfilment there. Not so a woman; since her life is more
directly focused in the home she probably feels this lack more
deeply than a man.
A man once told his wife on their wedding day, "I want you
to know I love you. If I didn't I wouldn't have married you. I
expect to continue to love you, but don't expect me to say any
more about it. Remember, I have already said it."
The wife was speechless and, guided by instinct, said, "Oh,
I can't remember something like that. I think you will have to
remind me again and again." As plants need sunshine and water, so
a woman needs romantic love if she is to flourish and bloom.
In chapter 4 we see a beautiful illustration of romantic
love. In fact, the whole book illustrates this point and defines
it for us in tangible ways. Many women complain that their
husbands are not romantic enough, but they never seem to be able
to define exactly this mysterious substance called "romance."
Listen carefully, men, you are at least going to get a
definition, and from the Bible, no less! The Song of Solomon
seems to teach that "romance" has at least FOUR ingredients.
(1) It includes an element of the unexpected. When Solomon
constructs a bedroom with cedars from Lebanon (1:16,17) to
surprise his bride, he's being romantic. When he springs a
surprise vacation in the Lebanon mountains on her, he's being
romantic. The element of surprise is important to romance. A
single long-stemmed rose when there is no special occasion is
romantic.
Anything that repeats itself over and over again loses its
romantic value, such as always having dinner at the same
restaurant, with movies always to follow.
(2) It includes dating. We find Solomon taking his wife-to-be on
a date in 2:8-17. After they are married, he still takes her on
dates (7:11-8:14). Do you regularly date your wife like Solomon
did?
Let me carefully define what I do not mean by a "date." It
is not hurling a newspaper her way some evening while you are
laying in front of a boring TV show and saying, "Honey, why don't
you see if there is anything on at the movies and call and get a
babysitter?"
A date is when you plan the evening, you get the babysitter,
and YOU TAKE HER. You remember, like you did before you married
her. You might get a list of the names and phone numbers of all
the babysitters she uses. Something is missing if you have to ask
her where to go. When you were dating her before you married her,
you didn't wait for her to come up with the ideas.
Also, a date is one husband and one wife, not a crowd.
Double dates went out with the junior prom. Going out with
another couple is great, do it often, but that's not a date.
Generally, what happens is that you spend the evening talking to
him, and your wife spends the evening talking to her, and a week
later she says, "Why don't you ever take me out?" You reply, "I
just took you out last week!" But you didn't take her out. You
were "out" with the other wife's husband! Call going out with
another couple "Christian fellowship" or something ... but that's
not what we're talking about when we speak of a "date."
Sometimes your dates should involve pre-planning that
appears spontaneous. For example, let's say you are going
window-shopping with your wife on an evening downtown. You
casually pass by a restaurant and say, "Why don't we go in and
get a bite to eat." When you enter the restaurant, there are
twenty-five people waiting to be seated, and the waiter informs
you it will be about an hour and a half before you can get a
table. Just at that moment the head waiter arrives and says,
"Good evening, Mr.Jones, we have your table for two right over
here overlooking the lights of the city." That's romance! That's
pre-planning that appears spontaneous.
What can you do on a date? Here are some suggestions.
-Take a window-shopping stroll after the stores have closed.
-Go river bank fishing by moonlight without too much attention to
fishing.
-Find a secluded spot and build a fire.
-Go for a drive in the car and just talk.
-Go bicycling.
-Go ice or roller skating.
-Visit a zoo.
-Visit the airport (you might even "watch the airplanes" like you
did before you married her).
-Go on a camp-out.
-Go to a rodeo.
-Visit a museum.
-Visit a library some evening and browse through all the books on
sex, love, and marriage.
-Spend an evening sharing mutual goals and planning family
objectives.
-Locate an unusual and different restaurant and spend the evening
there in loving conversation.
-Spend an evening making love in a motel, away from the children
and the phone. Be home by midnight.
-Go to the drive-in.
-Visit a convalescent home and take some presents to cheer up the
patients and elderly people.
(3) It includes the impractical. Cedars from Lebanon are very
impractical for bedroom construction! Furthermore, kings can't
afford time frivolously spent wandering through the forests of
Lebanon mountains with their wives (7:11). How impractical! Our
emphasis of "being practical" is a major killer of romance. There
is a beautiful illustration of impracticality in the Old
Testament. David and his mighty men were at war with the
Philistines. One day David casually remarked that he desired a
drink of water out of the well of Bethlehem (1 Sam.23:13-17). The
problem was this well was now located behind enemy lines and in
the middle of the Philistine camp! Three of David's "Five Star
Generals," the chiefs of the mighty men, overheard his remark.
That night they crept away from the camp and secretly crossed
enemy lines and crept right into the Philistine campsite. After
securing a pitcher of water from the well, they returned to the
Israelite camp completely undetected. When they gave their gift
to David, he was so overwhelmed that he said, "I am not worthy to
drink this water," and he poured it out on an altar - a sacrifice
to the Lord.
What utter nonsense! The three top men in David's army risk
their own lives and therefore the future of David's military
operations against the Philistines for a pitcher of water! It may
be impractical nonsense, but it is this kind of nonsense that
makes the world go around.
Creative romantic love is often stifled by the desire to be
reasonable and practical. "This isn't a strategic way to spend
money." "We're too old for that sort of thing." "Why don't we
wait until we have fulfilled all of these other
responsibilities."
I'm not advocating irresponsibility. I'm simply observing
that practicality can sometimes squelch love. Don't hesitate to
be impractical once in a while.
Your wife may need an ironing board to the point of
desperation. That would be a very "practical" gift but it rates
quite low in the romance department.
When I was a child I always bought my mother practical gifts
for Christmas like knives, plates, placemats, etc. Those gifts
are necessary, but we are supposed to be men now. Buy her some
perfume, scented soap, a record, lingerie, a basket of fruit, a
new plant for the house, or the new outfit she wanted but
couldn't afford.
(4) It includes creativity. Solomon is a very creative lover. We
find this illustrated profusely throughout the Song. It takes
creativity to design that kind of bedroom (1:16,17); he speaks to
her in poetry to describe her beauty (4:1-7); he takes her for
walks in the forests and they make love outdoors (7:11-13); he
buys her little trinkets and pieces of jewelry (1:11); he
encourages variety in their loveplay (7:1-11).
How creative are you toward your wife? Men tend to think in
categories and settle down into the rut of marriage very quickly.
We use a systematic and categorized approach to our jobs and
unfortunately often carry it over into our relationships with our
wives.
I once talked to a woman who told me of her husband's
lovemaking: "I can tell you exactly what my husband will do next,
how long he will linger on that part of my body to the second. He
hasn't changed the routine in twenty years." She doesn't want a
tired old man who treats her to a
"good-old-reliable-mother-to-my-children" kind of affection.
It has been said the only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth of it. If you have fallen into that
nine-to-five, sex-only-after-the-late-news, camping-vacation-
always-with-the-children-along rut, don't expect her to be a very
exciting lover. Introduce creativity into your lovemaking and
your total relationship like Solomon did.
To find out just how creative you are as a husband, may I
suggest you take the following "Lover's Quotient Test." Give
yourself ten points for each item on the following list if you
have done it once in the past six months. If you have done any
item on the list two or more times, you get twenty points.
-Have you phoned her during the week and asked her out for one
evening that weekend without telling her where you are taking
her? A mystery date.
-Have you given her an evening completely off? You clean up the
kitchen; you put the kids to bed.
-Have you gone parking with her at some safe and secluded spot
and kissed and talked for an evening?
-Have you drawn a bath for her after dinner? Put a scented candle
in the bathroom; add bath oil to the bath; send her there right
after dinner, and then you clean up and put the kids to bed while
she relaxes. (My wife says in order to get any points for this
you must also clean up the tub!)
-Have you phoned her from work to tell her you were thinking nice
thoughts about her?( (You get no points for this one if you asked
what was in the mail.)
-Have you written her a love letter and sent it special delivery?
(First class mail will do.)
-Have you made a tape recording of all the reasons you have for
loving her? Give it to her wrapped in a sheer negligee!
-Have you given her a day off? Send her out to do what she wants.
You clean the house, fix the meals, and take care of the kids.
(My wife says you ought to get thirty points for this one.)
-Have you put a special effect stereo recording of ocean waves on
tape and played it while you had a nude luau on the living room
floor? (If this seems a little far out for your tastes, you could
substitute a by either removing the stereo effects tape or having
a popcorn party in the privacy of the bedroom.)
-Have you spent a whole evening (more than two hours) sharing
mutual goals and planning family objectives with her and the
children?
-Have you ever planned a surprise weekend? You make the
reservations and arrange for someone to keep the children for two
days. Tell her to pack her suitcase, but don't tell her where you
are going. (Just be sure it's not the Super Bowl.) Make it
someplace romantic.
-Have you picked up your clothes just one time in the past six
months and put them on hangers?
-Have you given her an all-over body massage with scented lotion
and a vibrator?
-Have you spent a session of making love to her that included at
least two hours of romantic conversation, shared dreams, many
positions of intercourse, and much variety of approach and
caresses?
-Have you repaired something around the house which she has not
requested?
-Have you kissed her passionately for at least thirty seconds one
morning just before you left for work, or one evening when you
walked in the door?
-Have you brought her an unexpected little gift like perfume, a
ring, or an item of clothing?
-Have you replaced her old negligee?
I have given this ridiculous test to men all over the
country. Let's see? how your scores compare with theirs.
200-360-LOVER - You undoubtably have one of the most satisfied
wives in the country.
150-200-GOOD - Very few make this category.
100-150-AVERAGE - This husband is somewhat typical and usually
not very exciting as a lover.
50-100-KLUTZ - Too many score in this category. I hope you'll
begin to move up soon.
0-50-HUSBAND - There is a difference between a "husband" and a
"lover." The only reason your wife is still married to you is
that she's a Christian; she has unusual capacity for
unconditional acceptance, and there are some verses in the Bible
against divorce.
While the test shouldn't be taken too seriously, it does
outline a plan of attack to increase your creativity level. I
realize that many things on the list may not fit your temperament
and your marriage relationship. Make up your own list. The idea
is simply to encourage creativity in a fun way.
After giving this test as a humorous conclusion to messages
on sex for men, I find varied reactions. Most of the men seem to
like it and leave encouraged to break the routine of the
marriage. One man wrote me and said the whole thing was silly and
ridiculous! Furthermore, everyone he had talked to agreed. This
test may be ridiculous as far as its application to your marriage
relationship is concerned. Fine. Furthermore, there are many
sincere, godly men who are very creative in their approach to
their wives, but who scored poorly on the test. The issue is what
is appropriate in your particular and unique marriage
relationship that will bring new zest and vitality.
At the conclusion of one seminar, a man rated in the lover
category. He had a score of 340! Another man on the front row
laughed out loud when he heard the score and blurted, "How long
has he been married?" He was implying that the man who scored so
highly must have been only recently married. Once you settle down
in the daily routine and have been married for a number of years,
he reasoned, these things are no longer expected as a regular
part of married life, they are for "young couples."
If you are responding this way, let me ask you a question.
Does your relationship with the Lord Jesus become more and more
"settled" with time? Does it automatically loose its creativity
and zest the longer you know Him? If it does, then you have a
definite spiritual problem in your relationship with Him. It is
not growing.
The Bible says the believer's relationship to Christ is to
illustrate the husband's relationship to his wife physically.
Just as a lack of spiritual vitality reflects a spiritual
problem, a lack of growth in the vitality of your marriage
relationship reveals a marriage problem. If your marriage is
truly an illustration of Christ and the church, it should become
more and more vital, free, and exciting as the years go by.
The other side of this is, creativity as a wife. We will
pick up some suggestions in that area when we discuss Song 7:13
in another chapter. For now, this brings the first part of the
Song to a dose. We must now turn our attention to the second
half, in which we glean insight into resolving marital problems.
......................
To be continued
SOLOMON ON SEX #7 Love Refused
A Problem Solved Continuing with Dillow's book
A DREAM OF LOVE REFUSED - A PROBLEM
(Reflection #9, Song 5:2-8)
Let's review the first part of the book for a moment. From
1:1 to 5:1, Shulamith's reflections deal with the wedding day and
the wedding night. These chapters portray the ideal - the
beauties of youthful and romantic love. Now, in the second major
section of the book, a series of seven reflections portray the
reality of married love. There are problems and adjustments that
must be made if two people are to learn to live together in a
vital marriage. The Bible is quite realistic, it doesn't leave us
with an idealized picture of them living happily ever after.
There were two major problems that affected the early years
of this marriage. The first concerned some problems related to
sex. Solomon's job apparently kept him away from Shulamith more
than she liked, and he was in the habit of approaching her
sexually late at night after she was already in bed. She, in
turn, continually displayed a lack of interest in sex and often
rejected his advances.
The second problem surfaces in chapter six. Shulamith is a
country girl at heart. She longs for the freedom of the country.
Even though she loves Solomon, she would still like to visit her
country home in the Lebanon mountains. The first part of this
section of the book (5:2-8:4) reveals how they resolved their
sexual differences. The second part gives the solution to the
longing of Shulamith's heart, a vacation to the Lebanon mountains
(8:5-13).
The first part of this section consists of five reflections.
It begins with "A Dream of Love Refused" (5:2-8) and ends with
"The Dance of the Mahanaim" (6:136-8:4). It can be
diagrammatically set forth like this:
From "A Dream of Love's Refusal" to "The Dance of the Mahanaim"
(Song 5:2-8:4)
THE PROBLEM: LOVE REFUSED
THE SOLUTION:
ASSUMING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
A Dream of Love Refused
A Change of Attitude
A Thoughtful of Interlude
A Change of Action
My Beloved and Friend
The Return Solomon
Shulamith in the Garden
The Dance Mahanaim
"I have taken off my dress,
how can I put it on? (5:3)
Concerning: thinking about sex
Concerning: her husband's availability.
What kind of beloved is your beloved?
Where has your beloved gone?
"You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling" (6:4)
"Come back come back, O Shulammite" (6:13a)
5:2 8 9 16 6:1 3 4 10 11 13a 13b 8:4
The section begins with her passive apathy toward her
husband's late-night advances and ends (after a decisive change
of attitude, 5:9-6:3) with her active aggressiveness in
initiating sexual play(6:13b-5:4). The problem is sexual
adjustment and many pertinent applications are suggested by this
chapter to twentieth century marriage.
This song opens with Shulamith in a semi-conscious dream
state. She is troubled and restless; her "heart is awake."
Sometimes a restless dream of an unpleasant event reflects a
degree of inner distress concerning the event. Many have found
themselves dreaming about things that upset them during the day
or about a particularly disturbing problem they are faring. The
poet may have included the dream as a way of telling his readers
that the problem troubling Shulamith is very upsetting to her.
Insofar as the dream seems to contain a scene in which she is
being punished (beaten by the palace guards) perhaps we are to
assume she was feeling guilt over ignoring Solomon's sexual
interest.
COMMENTARY
5:2 SHULAMITH: I was asleep, but my heart was awake.
To sleep while the heart is awake is to dream. The Hebrew
text reads more literally, "I sleep and my heart keeps on
waking." It was a restless and dream-filled night for Shulamith.
She evidently tossed throughout the night in a restless sleep,
stirring oft-times in a troublesome dream.
This section of the Song reveals two possible causes for her
restless night. First of all, she and the king have had
difficulties resolving some sexual problems (5:2,3). Secondly,
she seems to have developed a longing for life in the country
once again, and she has had trouble fully adjusting to palace
life (6:12,13; 7:12).
The sexual problems are the focus of attention in the dream.
A person only keeps on dreaming and has a restless night if there
is a recurrent problem underlying the dream. In this case she
seems to be upset with herself for her refusal of Solomon's
late-night approach to sex. He had approached her after she was
already in bed, and she had refused him; apparently she feels
guilty about it. In the fantasy of her dreams, she imagines
that she refused him, and after he left she could never find him.
5:2 SHULAMITH:
A voice! My beloved was knocking: Open to me, my sister, my
darling, My dove, my perfect one!
For my head is drenched with dew, My locks with the damp of the
night
During some months in Palestine, dew falls so copiously that
it saturates the clothes like rain (Judges 5:38). Solomon,
apparently at an affair of state, comes to her bedroom in the
dream and asks to make love. We know it is late at night because
the dew has already begun to fall.
It could be that in the dream she is thinking of herself as
back at her country home. This at least makes the reference to
dew and the opening in the window (5:4) easier to explain. But
dreams are very subtle, and not too much should be made of this.
As she dreams the scene shifts back to the streets of Jerusalem -
an impossibility, of course, in real life.
Now she gives two reasons why she is not interested in
making love.
5:3 SHULAMITH: I have taken off my dress, How can I put it on
again?
If this seems like a strange reason to you for not making
love, it seems strange to me also. She says she would have to put
her robe on, get up and walk to the door, and open it. In effect,
she's saying something like, "Oh Solomon, can't it wait? Can't
you see that I'm tired and in bed?" Then she gives her second
excuse. This time she gets religious about it.
I have washed my feet, How can I dirty them again?
The soiling of the feet was counted as a symbol of moral
contamination from the petty transgressions of everyday life
(John 13:10). They would often wash their feet ceremonially at
night to symbolize their need for daily cleansing from sin, just
as Jesus illustrated to His disciples (John 13:10).1
She is saying, "If I get up to let you in to make love, I'll
get my feet dirty walking across the floor. Then 1 would have to
wash them again before I could go back to bed."
Now both of these statements are obviously excuses! "I'll
have to put my bathrobe on, and I'll get my feet dirty!" What
she's trying to convey to her late-night lover is that she's
tired, already in bed, and just not in the mood. The dew suggests
it's pretty late at night, about the time of the conclusion of
"The Late Show" on TV.
Shulamith now awakens thoroughly and finally begins to
respond to Solomon's interests.
5:4 SHULAMITH:
My beloved extended his hand through the opening,
And my feelings were aroused for him.
It was the ancient custom to secure the door of a house by a
cross bar or by a bolt, which at night was fastened with a little
button or pin.2 In the upperpart of the door, there was a round
hole through which any person from the outside might thrust his
arm and remove the bar, unless the hole was sealed up. As
Shulamith saw Solomon's hand, she realized his desire for her,
and she had guilt feelings about her lack of availability. Then
she decided Solomon didn't have such a bad idea after all, and
"her feelings were aroused for Him."
5:5 SHULAMITH:
I arose to open to my beloved; And my hand dripped with myrrh,
And my fingers with liquid myrrh, On the handles of the bolt.
In the fantasy of the dream, she associates her husband's
approaches toward her sexually with scented lotions. In their
culture, a lover would leave this fragrant myrrh at the door as a
sign he had been there.3
5:6 SHULAMITH:
I opened to my beloved
But my beloved had turned away and had gone!
My heart went out to him... but 1 did not find him;
I called him, but he did not answer me.
In her dream she is grieved to see Solomon has left. He had
come to make love (an inappropriate time, his fault); she refused
him (her fault), and now he has left with wounded pride. There is
nothing more deflating to a persons ego than to have one's mate
continually reject his or her sexual advances.
Her discovery that her husband has left compounds her guilt,
and she now imagines that as she searches for him, the watchmen
punish her.
5:7 SHULAMITH:
The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me,
They struck me and wounded me;
The guardsmen of the wails took away my shawl from me.
As Shulamith dreams, she fancies herself out in the sheets
of Jerusalem searching for Solomon after refusing him. Obviously,
the watchmen would not in reality lay a hand on Solomon's queen,
but this is a dream. The fact that the guards beat her may
indicate she is plagued with guilt because of her rejection of
Solomon.
5:8 SHULAMITH:
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, If you find my beloved,
As to what to tell him: For I am lovesick.
The exact chronology of this dream sequence is difficult to
follow. There seems to be no definite agreement among
commentators as to when the dream ends and reality resumes. It
appears to me, however, that due to the shift in tone and
personal address in 5:8, the dream is over and a new scene is
introduced. The chorus and the Shulamite girl have a conversation
pinpointing the implications of the dream and some keys to
solving their problems.
Others say the dream continues all the way to 6:3. It makes
little difference, however, to our understanding of the main
thrust of the poet's message. Thus, 5:8 could either be viewed as
the conclusion of the dream (inserted by the poet to make a
transition to the next scene), or as the introductory verse to
the following scene.
She addresses the imaginary, non-existent chorus,
instructing them to help her locate Solomon and tell him she is
"lovesick." This is the same word used in 2:5, and it carries the
notion of being highly aroused sexually.
The dream has now ended, but the powerful feeling of
repentance and separation the dream left behind causes Shulamith
to awaken, observe that Solomon is not beside her, and seek the
aid of the chorus in finding him. The effects of the dream were
so strong she remembers it as an actual experience.
Apparently, the dream has set her desires in motion, for she
awakens "lovesick." The chorus is to tell Solomon that Shulamith
deeply desires to make love with him. This would obviously be
inappropriate if the daughters of Jerusalem really existed. In
this case, this literary device enables Shulamith to express
herself when no one is there.
As she awakes, she realizes her husband is away on affairs
of state (Song 6:2-3). This causes her to reflect on the
understanding she had before she married Solomon. She had counted
the cost before they were married and had anticipated that
separation could be a problem; she was not caught by surprise.
Instead of reacting with bitterness or resentment, she
designed a creative alternative that would meet her needs as well
as Solomon's within the framework of life they had chosen. That
alternative partly involved periodic vacations in the country
(7:11).
It seems apparent there is an intentional contrast with the
dream of 3:1-4. In both dreams, Shulamith seeks her husband (3:3;
5:7). The first dream is just before the wedding night, and the
second dream is just after it.
In the first, she seeks her husband and finds him. In
Chapter 5:2-8, she searches only to be beaten by the night
watchmen.
In the dream of separation, we find Shulamith longing for
her husband; in the dream of love refused, the emphasis is on
taking her husband's sexual interest for granted. This contrast
serves to heighten the import of her rejection.
COMMENT
These passages illustrate that sexual adjustment is not
automatic. Too often young married couples think they will get
married and fall into bed and immediately experience a beautiful
sexual relationship. The Bible realistically portrays that such
is not always the case. One study revealed that marriage failures
due to sexual problems could be as high as 75 to 80 percent.4
Several common problems relating to sexual adjustment in
marriage are suggested here.
Rejection
The following letter is written in jest, humorously exposing
the issue of rejection.
"To My Loving Wife"
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded only 36 times; this is an average of once every
10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more
often.
It will wake the children .................27 times
It's too late .... ..................................23 times
It's too hot .... ...................................16 times
It's too cold ......................................15 times
Pretended to be asleep.....................46 times
Windows open,
neighbors will hear ..........................9 times
Backache .........................................26 times
Headache ..........................................18 times
Toothache .........................................13 times
Giggles ..............................................6 times
Not in the mood................................36 times
Too full ... .........:...............................10 times
Baby is crying ..................................17 times
Watched late TV show ....................17 times
I watched late TV show ..................15 times
Mud Pack .........................................11 times
Company in next room ...................11 times
You had to
go to the bathroom ..........................19 times
TOTAL ........................329 times
During the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory due to the following:
1. Six times you chewed gum during the whole time.
2. Seven times you watched TV the whole time.
3. Sixteen times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
4. Six times I tried to wake you to tell you we were through.
5. One time I was afraid I had hurt you for I felt you move.
Honey, it's no wonder I'm so irritable!
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
This letter reveals that "rejection" can be both physical
and psychological. It is just as much rejection of your mate to
seem passively uninvolved as it is to actively reject. I read of
one lady who gives her husband a check list of things she wants
done around the house every Saturday morning. If he does
everything on the list, he gets a "reward" Saturday night. Talk
about rejection! That is psychological rejection. Note the
command of Scripture:
The husband should fulfil his married duty to his wife, and
likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong
to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the
husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his
wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for
a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come
together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your
lack of self-control (1 Cor.7:305).
The Word here is quite strong. It is sin to reject your
mate's sexual interests (actively or passively). This may seem
harsh, but extensive counselling in numerous situations have
borne this out in my experience. I have heard some of the most
involved and sincere reasons for rejecting one's mate physically,
but when we eventually got to the root of it, there was generally
a problem of selfishness and sin somewhere.
This passage gives only three conditions lawful under God
for a married couple to abstain from regular sexual relations.
(1) When there has been mutual consent
(2) When it is only for a short period of time, and
(3) When the purpose is to devote oneself to prayer.
In the above letter, numerous excuses were offered for
rejection, but prayer wasn't on the list. I don't know of anyone
who has offered that reason to his mate!
In this passage, Shulamith rejects her husband but the
reverse situation is also common. The notion that men are always
the ones interested in sex and women don't have a great need is
not well-supported by recent studies. Miles, in a survey of 150
Christian couples, asked, "How often would you like to have
intercourse and orgasms if you could have this experience every
time you really wanted to?" The husbands replied they would like
it every 2.7 days (average), and the wives every 3.2 days.5
Thus, there is virtually no difference revealed in this
particular study. In fact, up until the modern era, it was women
who were considered to have the greater sexual appetites.6
It is interesting that throughout the Song of Solomon and in
1 Cor.7 there seems to be an underlying assumption that there is
no real difference in the sexual needs or drives between men and
women. As far as the Bible speaks to the issue, a woman's need is
viewed as equal with a man's.
There are significant differences in psychological outlook,
timing, and other factors, but the capacity and desire for sex is
equal.
Shulamith's rejection of solomon raises the question of
"normal" frequency.
One woman sputtered with defiant frustration to a
counsellor, "Why my husband is so oversexed he would insist on
making love to me at least twice a month if I'd let him."
The couples Miles interviewed revealed they enjoyed
intercourse to orgasm an average of 3.3 times per week.
However, these statistics are really quite meaningless to a
specific couple's situation. The issue is what is appropriate for
your unique relationship and not some "national average."
Based on 1 Cor. 7:3-5, Shirley Rice gives these dangers of
rejecting your mate's sexual initiatives.
(1) Your fellowship with the Lord is in jeopardy because it
is a sin to violate a command of Scripture.
(2) You relationship with your mate can be damaged or
ruined.
(3) You will perhaps tempt your mate to adultery through the
resulting anger and frustration.8
One reason so many men appear to be obsessed with sex is
because they get so little of it from their wives. If a man has
not eaten in five days, every time he passes the refrigerator
food is all he can think about. Like food, sex isn't the most
important thing in life, but if you are not totally available, it
can become an obsession to your husband.
(The modern science fact is that men have about 10 TIMES more the
sexual hormone than women. Surveys show that men think about sex
about every one minute, while women about twice a day. One woman
was given by mistake the male sex hormone that put her on the
level of sexuality as the average man. She exclaimed, "How do men
manage to function in the work-a-day world of women around them,
having been given the male sex hormone by mistake, I could only
think of sex, sex, sex, all day long!" - Keith Hunt)
The reason for Shulamith's lack of sexual interest is simply
that she was tired and already in bed. In a recent survey by
Christian Family Life, 10 percent of the women indicated their
number one sexual problem was tiredness.9 It is quite likely a
much higher percentage would have listed tiredness had the
question included the first, second, and third major problems.
There are times a wife will be exhausted because of sick
children, etc., and will perhaps be unable to climax. But as one
loving wife put it, "she can still glory in pleasing her
husband." If you are too tired to make love, there is nothing at
all wrong with occasionally saying, "Honey, I just don't think I
can climax tonight, but I'd love to make you happy." Then take
him in your arms, give yourself to him, and whisper in his ear
that you love him and are thrilled you can give him pleasure.
Furthermore, he should not be made to feel selfish if he
makes such a request. You are not being "used" when you respond
in this way (unless he makes a regular habit of it). You are
showing your self-giving love. Can't you just enjoy being in his
arms? There is no rule that a wife must reach orgasm every time.
The central issue in sexual love is not having an orgasm; rather
it is sharing mutual love.
Obviously, this kind of response would be a normal response
in a vital and healthy marriage. However, if there are complex
communication barriers, this response could seem foreign.
The Problem of Late-Night Sex
Solomon's late-night approach leaves much to be desired.
Likewise, the late-night approach of many twentieth century
husbands could stand some variation. Consider the following
situation.
Typical Elmer, the average American husband, comes home from
work just about the same way he left that morning - sparkling
conversation, amorous embrace and all. He enters, nods briefly to
the kids, grunts to his wife, ask if there was anything in the
mail and then lets his mind be stimulated by blankly staring at
the six o'clock news. "Shhhh," his wife says to the children,
"don't make any noise. Daddy is trying to watch TV."
At exactly the right time, his wife tiptoes into the TV room and
says, "Dear, dinner is ready." (Elmer gets very upset when his
dinner isn't ready on time.) He shares the latest moves in the
office games, and she describes the latest neighborhood gossip
and the children's misbehaviors, Wow! Exciting evening! Elmer
burps his way through dinner and then leaves his wife to clean up
the kitchen, diaper the kids, do the laundry, vacuum the house,
write letters to his parents, and she falls asleep totally
exhausted about nine-thirty. In the meantime, Elmer dozes off in
front of "Tuesday Night at the Movies."
Suddenly, about 1:00 AM the "Star-Spangled Banner" jolts
Elmer awake. He turns off the TV set, runs for his trusty
javelin, dons his Roman toga, puts on a crown of ivy leaves,
crashes into the bedroom and shouts, "Let the games begin." Elmer
wants "play-time" before he goes "nite-nite" And of course she's
supposed to be aroused and excited. Being very considerate,
Elmer may even give her sixty seconds before "favoring" her with
his "let's get down to business" virility. Good old hard-working
Elmer just cant understand why his wife isn't passionately
responding to his every initiative!
And even if she submits to her 1:00 A.M. husband with his
spur-of-the-moment big ideas, she isn't likely to throw herself
into it with the greatest of ardor.10
Elmer is typical of many men who never seem to give their
wives any attention until they want sex late at night. They
demonstrate absolutely no involvement in their wives' problems or
in their lives except when they are physically aroused.
Page Williams cites a humorous conversation he had with a
little boy. He had asked the little lad what his dad did for a
living, and the boy replied, "He watches." Williams asked, "You
mean he is a night watchman?" "Oh, no," the little boy exclaimed,
"He just watches." "Well, what does he watch?" Williams asked.
"I don't know if I can tell you everything," he continued "I can
name a few things." "Well, tell me," Williams replied.
"He watches TV, he watches Mom do the housework he watches for
the paperboy, he watches the weather, and I think he watches
girls, too," he said, with an impish grin on his face. "He
watches the stock market, football games, all the sports, he
watches mother spank us, and he watches us do our homework. He
watches us leave to go to church and PTA and shopping. He watches
my brother mow the lawn, and he watches me rake. He watches my
sister clean up the dirty dishes, and he watches me play with my
dog. He watches Mom pay the bills. He watches me a lot - but
mainly he just watches," said the little fellow, with a note of
sadness in his voice.
If you are a "typical Elmer" or a "watcher" don't expect
much of a response sexually from your wife.
(YES, IT IS TIME MEN GOT A LIFE, AS THEY SAY, AND GOT TO KNOW
WHAT GOD WANTS A MAN TO BE IN THE HOME, AND SEXUALLY WITH THEIR
WIVES. THERE ARE BOOKS UPON BOOKS TODAY ON THE NITTY-GRITTY OF
BEING A REAL MAN - A MAN OF GOD, BOTH IN THE PHYSICAL REALM AND
THE SPIRITUAL REALM, AND BEING THE RIGHT KIND OF LEADER IN THE
HOME. TIME MEN TO TURN OFF THE TV AND GET OFF YOUR BACK-SIDE AND
PITCH IN WITH ALL THE DUTIES THAT MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN DEMAND -
Keith Hunt)
Solomon may not have been a "watcher," but he definitely
needed some instruction on some appropriate times to approach his
wife. I don't know if anyone has made a study of it, but my guess
is that 90 percent or more of the times most couples make love
are late at night after everything is done. They've eaten a full
meal, cleaned up the kitchen, read the newspaper, helped the
children with homework, discussed the family budget and stared
blankly at the tube for three hours. Then they fall into bed for
five or ten minutes of "ho-hum" sex followed immediately by
snoring. After several years of this, sex "is just not that
important to us." The vitality and spark of their sexual love is
lost.
A gynecologist in Houston counsels young brides, "Never
under any circumstances make love to your husband after 7:00 at
night" This is an exaggeration, but Solomon could have profited
from this information.
A late-night routine can kill sexual love. While many
lovemaking experiences can "just happen," some of the most
meaningful often are pre-planned. A phone call to your wife
letting her know you love her and would like to set the evening
aside for making love will go a long way toward getting her in
the mood. A lingering good-bye kiss in the morning lets her know
how much you'd rather stay home with her than go to work, and
goes miles toward setting up an interesting evening.
While it's true Solomon was inconsiderate in his approach,
her reaction is inspiring. Instead of sitting around feeling
resentful, accusing him of wanting to "use her," and turning off
sexually, she begins to work on her attitudes and actions. In
Song 5:9-6:3 we see a decisive change of attitude, and in Song
7:1-13 we see a decisive change of action.
FOOTNOTES
1. Otto Zockler, "The Song of Song" (Lange's s Commentary, 12
Vols; Grand Rapids; Zondervan, 1960), V 103.
2.Ibid., V, 103.
3. S.Craig Glickman, " Song for Lovers" (Downers Grove: Inter-
Verity, 1976), p. 63.
4. "Dallas Times Herald," Nov.12, 1973, p.6-B.
5. Herbert Miles, "Sexual Happiness, in Marriage" (Grand Rapids:
Zondevan, 1967), p.137.
6 Professor N. Junks, "Sex and Love Today" (New York: Vala,
1970), p.125.
7. Miles, p.137.
8. Shirley Rice, "Physical Unity in Marriage" (Norfolk:
Tabernacle Church of Norfolk, 7120 Granby St., Norfolk, Va.
23505, 19731, p.7-8.
9. Survey compiled by Christian Family Life, 9210 Markville,
Dallas, Texas, 75231.
10. This illustration was adapted from a book by Lois Bird,
Doubleday, Inc. Pub.
11. H. Page Williams, "Do Yourself A Favor, Love Your Wife"
(Plainfield: Logos International, 1973), p.5.
..........................
To be continued with "Solving Sexual Problems"
|
Solomon on Sex #8Solving Sexual ProblemsContinuing with Dillow's book "Solomon on Sex" and the chapter
entitled "Solving Sexual Problems."
(Reflections #10, 11, 12, Song 5:9-6:13)
In the last chapter we found Shulamith and Solomon involved
in a frustrating problem in their physical relationship. In this
section we see how they begin to solve their problems, and in
Chapters 10 and 11 the ultimate solution unfolds.
Interestingly, the solution to their differences involved
assuming personal responsibility for the error rather than
focusing on the other's error.
Instead of dwelling on how thoughtless Solomon was to
continually approach her late at night, she began to work on her
inner attitudes. Instead of thinking how selfish Shulamith is in
rejecting him, Solomon concentrates on loving her unconditionally
and "giving blessing for insult."
In order for any problem to be resolved in marriage, both
partners must follow this pattern. What good is accomplished when
you continually resent your mate for his or her shortcomings?
When you and I stand before the judgment seat of Christ, He is
not going to ask how our mate treated us, but whether or not we
were faithful in assuming responsibility for our behavior. It is
God's responsibility to deal with an offending mate, not ours.
A CHANGE OF ATTITUDE
(Reflection #10, Song 5:9-6:3)
CONTEXT
Shulamith has awakened from her dream-filled sleep the
following morning. Before awakening, Shulamith asks the chorus to
help her find her beloved. She wants him because she is highly
aroused sexually (5:8), feels guilty about another rejection of
Solomon (5:6,7), and wants to make amends. This address to the
chorus provides a transition into the next scene. It gives the
pretext for the chorus to ask two questions revealing Shulamith's
decision to work on her attitude.
The first question is found in 5:9: "What kind of beloved is
your beloved ..." The second is in 6:1: "Where has your beloved
gone ...?"
The answer to the first question calls Shulamith back to the
nobility of her man and his physical attractiveness and
tenderness. Thus, she begins to focus her thoughts on his
positive traits and even his sexual appeal in order to increase
her own desire.
The answer to the second question, "Where has your beloved
gone.." leads her to realize that much of their problem is due to
the nature of the job he has, "pasturing the flock" (6:2) -
tending the sheep (the people of Israel). As she thinks on this,
she renews her covenant and finds assurance that he is totally
hers even though some things need to be resolved (6:3).
COMMENTARY
5:9 CHORUS:
What kind of beloved is your beloved, O most beautiful
among women? What kind of beloved is your beloved, Thus
you adjure us?
What is the purpose of this question? It seems to be
specifically designed by the chorus to lead Shulamith to focus on
her husband's many good points. While there is pain at constant
separation, they want her to realize it is worth it all in view
of the excellent qualities of the man God has given her. The
question has the intended effect; in the following verses she
extols her beloved's virtues and expresses a relaxed acceptance
of the fact he is away on the business of state (6:2-3).
5:10 SHULAMITH:
My beloved is dazzling and ruddy,
The description that follows has some rather sensuous
details that suggest she is reflecting on a previous lovemaking
episode with him and pictures him nude in her mind. Again, it
must be realized the daughters of Jerusalem are simply a literary
device used, in this case, to bring out the excellences of the
king.
To be "dazzling" is to be handsome, and to be "ruddy" means
to have healthy, reddish cheeks.
Outstanding among ten thousand.
This is an expression of surpassing beauty.
5:11 SHULAMITH: His head is like gold, pure gold;
Beginning now with his head, she describes in matchless
imagery his shapely body. Gold connotes excellence.
His locks are like clusters of dates, And black as a
raven.
Solomon has beautiful black hair. Ravens are known for their
consistent ability to provide for their young. They are often
used in terms of God's providential care of His creation? She
sees Solomon as always watching out for her.
5:12 SHULAMITH:
His eyes are like doves,
Beside streams of water,
Bathed in milk,
And reposed in their setting.
The dark iris surrounded by the gleaming white of the eye is
pictured as a dove bathing in milk
5:13 SHULAMITH:
His cheeks are like a bed of balsam,
Banks of sweet-scented herbs;
The bed of balsam refers to the custom of perfuming the
beard.
His lips are lilies,
Dripping with liquid myrrh.
The lilies here are probably red lilies. The liquid myrrh
probably refers to the sweetness of his breath. Often sweet,
scented herbs were chewed to scent the breath or were mixed with
water to make a mouthwash.
5:14 SHULAMITH:
His hands are rods of gold
His fingers are full and round.
Set with beryl;
His fingernails are transparently pink.
His abdomen is carved ivory
Inlaid with sapphires.
The abdomen refers to the covered part of the body. It is
white and smooth like ivory. To be like ivory means to be flat
and firm. Also to see the "white" part of the body is to view
that part which is normally shielded from the sun by clothing. It
appears she is daydreaming about her husband's naked body. The
reference to blue sapphires is difficult. It probably refers to
the branching blue veins under the white skin.
5:15 SHULAMITH:
His legs are pillars of alabaster set on pedestals of
gold;
The phrase "legs" is often used of the upper part of the
legs. It denotes the loins (Gen.29:2; Exod.28:42; Dan.2:32) or
the part of the body where the legs begin to separate? They are
alabaster, strong and white like marble. They are set on feet
described as pedestals of gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
Choice as the cedars.
Lebanon speaks of majestic appearances. It was famed for its
fertility and beauty (Dent.3:25). The cedars were the tallest and
strongest of trees; so is her beloved outstanding among men. It
speaks of his strength and masculinity.
5:16 SHULAMITH:
His mouth is full of sweetness.
And he is wholly desirable.
This is my beloved and this is my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.
This refers to the mouth as an organ of speech, not of
kissing. She is praising his tender speech. The thing that
appealed to her wasn't just his physical manliness (5;9-15), but
his tenderness and gentleness with her (5:16). Paul says God's
"lover" has these two characteristics.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of
the church (Eph.5:23).
A man is supposed to be a "head," a leader, to his wife. But
at the same time Paul says,
The Word became flesh and lived for a while among us. We have
seen His glory, the glory of the One and only Son, who came from
the Father, full of grace and truth (John 1:14).
The husband, then, is to be characterized by strength and
tenderness (Song 5:9-16); he is to be a leader and a lover
(Eph.5:23-25); and he is to be full of truth and grace (John
1:14). These are the basic characteristics of the male role as
revealed in the Bible. The Lord Jesus was a man of grace; He
cried in the presence of women, He made little children feel at
home with Him, and He demonstrated profound tenderness and
compassion. But He could also walk through an angry mob, refrain
from accusing His accusers, set His will like steel, and be
obedient unto death.
Many problems in marriages today go of these characteristics
out of balance.
6:1 CHORUS:
Where has your beloved gone,
O most beautiful among women?
Where has your beloved turned,
That we may seek him with you?
The chorus is satisfied with the answer, and now a new
question is in their mouths. Its purpose is to focus Shulamith's
attention on the fact that the reason he cannot be with her now
is that he is involved in affairs of state. She is, therefore, to
remember the understanding she had before they were married and
to choose to reject the thought of self-pity she feels at not
having Solomon at her side as much as she would like.
6:2 SHULAMITH:
My beloved has gone down to his garden,
To the beds of balsam,
To pasture his flock in the gardens
And gather lilies.
As discussed elsewhere (1:7; 2:16) this imagery refers to
Solomon's preoccupation with the affairs of state.
6:3 SHULAMITH:
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine,
He who pastures his flock among the lilies
Shulamith has come to inner peace. She is a kings wife. He
must be away on business, but she confidently asserts her belief
in his love for her. It is significant that Shulamith views her
husband as a shepherd who pastures his flock. Despite all of
Solomon's shortcomings, he makes her feel totally loved,
protected, and cared for. She sees him not only as Israel's
shepherd, but as her shepherd.
There are two outstanding characteristics of a shepherd that
are applicable here. He was a PROTECTOR and LEADER. Much can be
said about the protective qualities of the shepherd. *
His main task, other than providing for his flock, was
protecting them from robbers, animals, and weather. The
shepherd's staff, a stick five or six feet long which sometimes
had a crook at the end, was used in the way Western men use a
cane or walking stick. It is also used in handling the sheep.
Thus, when David writes in Psalm 23, "Thy rod and Thy staff, they
comfort me," he is saying the Lord's protection comforts him, and
he feels safe.
* All the following material on the protective qualities of the
shepherd are taken from Fred Wright's "Manners and Customs of
Bible Lands" (Moody, 1953).
Elements of protection embrace sacrificial labors of love.
The fact that the shepherd dedicated his life to his flock, even
to the point of losing his life, demonstrates emphatically his
care and concern for them. (Granted, he had a vested interest,
but don't husbands have a vested interest in pleasing their
wives?) A good husband must also be willing to "lay down his life
DAILY" for his wife. Laying down one's life daily in most cases
is more difficult than a once and for all physical death.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church
and gave Himself up for her" (Eph.5:25).
Why? Because like begets like. When you say, "I willingly
sacrifice my wants for your wants," this produces a like response
in her. Perhaps that first this new task will evoke amazement,
curiosity, or a "how long will this last" attitude, but
eventually it evokes appreciation, thankfulness, and "I willingly
sacrifice my wants for your wants" too. Love begets love;
encouragement begets encouragement; concern, concern.
As a leader, the Eastern shepherds never drives his sheep as
does the Western shepherd. He LEADS THEM, usually going before
them. He may also walk by their sides an sometimes follow behind,
especially if the flock is headed for the fold in the evening
From the rear he can gather any stragglers and protect them from
wild animal attacks.
Several flocks are sometimes allowed to mix at a well or in
the same fold. When it becomes necessary to separate the flocks,
one shepherd after another calls out his own call. The sheep lift
their heads and, after a general scramble, begin following each
one after his own shepherd. They are thoroughly familiar with
their own shepherd's TONE OF VOICE. Strangers have often used the
same call, but their attempts to get the sheep to follow them
always fails.
Jesus implied His sheep hear and follow only his voice when
He said, "The sheep follow him, for they know his voice. And a
stranger they will not follow, but will flee from him; for they
know not the voice of a stranger" (John 10:4,5). The intimate
concern and care of the shepherd is the key reason the sheep
follow his voice. They know him and thus they TRUST his
leading (especially when he has proven trustworthy in the past).
To illustrate the intimate knowledge and concern a good
shepherd has for his sheep, we cite the following example.
One shepherd in the Lebanon district was asked if he always
counted his sheep each evening. He replied in the negative,
and then was asked how then he knew if all his sheep were
present. This was his reply: "Master, if you were to put a
cloth over my eyes, and bring me any sheep and only
let me put hands on its face, I could tell in a moment if it
was mine or not.
When H.R.P. Dickson visited the desert Arabs, he witnessed
an event that revealed the amazing knowledge some of them have of
their sheep. One evening, shortly after dark an Arab shepherd
began to call out one by one the names of his fifty-one mother
sheep, and was able to pick out each one's lamb and restore it to
its mother to suckle. To do this in the light would be a feat for
many shepherds, but this was done in complete darkness, and in
the midst of the noise of the ewes crying for their lambs, and
the lambs crying for their mothers.
But no oriental shepherd ever had a more intimate knowledge
of his sheep than Jesus our great Shepherd has of those who
belong to His flock. He once said of Himself: "I am the good
shepherd, and know my sheep" (John 10:14).
Most women want to be led. They do not want to be
browbeaten,treated as imbeciles unable to think or decide, or
coddled as children too immature to make decisions. That is not
leadership, but dictatorship, but only the haughty ego of the
"leader."
Thus, Shulamith's "daydreaming" reveals two fundamental
attitudes helpful for the resolution of their sexual differences.
She first thinks of her husband physically as a means of
increasing her desire for him. She then thinks of the protective
care and security he has provided as her shepherd. So instead of
concentrating on his weaknesses, she concentrates on his
strengths. She assumes responsibility for her personal attitudes
and leaves Solomon's shortcomings in the Lord's hands.
THE RETURN OF SOLOMON
(Reflection #11, Song 6:4-10)
In the interlude between their problem (5:2-8) and its
solution (7:1-8:13), two fundamental attitudes are revealed. In
the proceeding reflection we see Shulamith concentrating on his
strengths. Now, in this reflection the poet directs us to another
crucial ingredient in resolving marital tension; we must learn to
respond to insult with blessing.
As this scene opens, Solomon returned. He praises her
beauty and gives her assurance of his exclusive love for her.
Consistently throughout the Song, Solomon is an excellent
example. Whatever tensions may have developed in their
relationship (5:4-6), they do not appear to affect Solomon's
expression of love and praise fro her.
Most husbands, when rebuffed after making a sexual overture
to their wives, tend to withdraw into a shell or react in a
"cutting" way. But Solomon demonstrates true love, always
responding properly, and lovingly demonstrates much patience and
confidence in the LORD to work things out.
6:4 SOLOMON:
You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling,
As lovely as Jerusalem,
Tirzah was an old Canaanite city famous for its beauty and
renowned as the royal residence of kings after Solomon died.
Shulamith is from a higher mountainous region of the North, and
Tirzah is located in the mountains of the North also.
As awesome as an army with banners.
Why is Shulamith as awesome as an army in full battle array?
Because she has exerted upon Solomon a fearful power with her
beautiful eyes that pierce his heart and vanquish all resistance.
6:5 SOLOMON:
Turn your eyes away from me,
For they have confused me;
One penetrating glance from her eyes causes Solomon's heart
to melt. Solomon then launches into a repeat of her beauties
expressed on the wedding night (4:1-7).
Your hair is like a flock of goats
That have descended from Gilead (see 4:1).
6:6 SOLOMON:
Your teeth are a flock of ewes
Which have come up from their washing,
All of which bear twins,
And not one among them has lost her young (see 4:2).
6:7 SOLOMON:
Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate
Behind your veil (see 4:3).
Note the fact that the praise Solomon gives her here is
almost exactly identical to that which he bestowed upon her on
their wedding night (4:1-3). In effect, Solomon seems to say,
"Nothing has changed. Regardless of how you respond toward me,
this does not affect the love I have for you. I still view you as
I always have, even though in some points your performance has
not
been up to the standards that I would desire."
To adopt this kind of attitude shows Solomon truly loves her
as Christ loves the church (Eph.5:25). Christ loves us
consistently regardless of how we perform. That does not mean the
Shulamite should not improve her performance if it needs
improving, just as we need to improve our performance in our
relationship to christ. But she should not be under a law to
perform in order to gain acceptance. Consider 1 Peter 3:7 in this
connection.
You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding
way....
The verb translated "live with" is consistently translated in
Septuagint translation of the Old Testament as "have sexual
intercourse with" (Deut.22:13; 24:1; 21:13; 22:22; 25:5; Isaiah
62:5; Gen.20:3). The phrase "an understanding way" implies
acquiring knowledge and insight through a process of personal
investigation. Thus an interpretive and expanded paraphrase of
the verse might read:
You husbands likewise, have sexual intercourse with your wife in
a way that is based upon insight gathered from personal
investigation of her needs.
Then in this connection consider 1 Pet. 3:9:
Not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a
blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that
you might inherit a blessing.
Part of having a sexual relationship with your mate in an
understanding way is not to respond with insult when hurt, but to
respond with blessing - with love and appreciation for his or her
strong qualities. Solomon's ego was undoubtedly severely slapped
when she refused love, but he reciprocated by praising her and
seeking her best instead of responding to insult.
Many husbands are concerned with how to get their wives to
be more sexual and aggressive. A sure way to hinder them is to
respond with insult when they do not perform the way they are
supposed to. This simply drives a wedge into the relationship,
ultimately leading to complete loss of interest on the wife's
part and causing greater sexual problems.
Note the promise in 3:10 to the husband and wife if they
respond properly:
For let him who means to LOVE LIFE and see good days refrain his
tongue from evil ...
If you want things to improve in your relationship, be sure
your response to any offense your mate gives in sexual matters is
honoring to the Lord.
Solomon continues his praise,
6:8 SOLOMON:
There are sixty queens and eighty concubines,
And maidens without number;
6:9 SOLOMON:
But my dove, my perfect one, is unique:
We have already discussed the matter of Solomon's polygamy
(Chapter 1). He may not have been a practicing polygamist at this
time. We know he inherited a harem from his father, David. The
passing on of the harem from king to successor has long been
observed. Roland de Vaux observes, "It appears that the kings
harem, at least in the early days of the monarchy used to pass
to his successor."
Thus Solomon may not have been sexually involved with these
many concubines until later in his reign, when we know he began
to degenerate into lustful polygamy. But whether or not he was
does not detract from the validity of the principles he teaches.
Furthermore, God has put His approval on the principles by making
the Song of Solomon a part of Scripture.
But what is the point of the comparison? He says she's
superior to all the queens and concubines in the empire. The
concubine in the ancient Near East had two basic functions. A
barren wife might have sons through her. But secondly, they were
for a man's "delight." Solomon comments on this in Eccles.2:8
where he says,
I heaped up for myself also silver and gold, and the peculiar
property of kings and of countries; I got men singers and women
singers; and the delights of the children of men: mistress and
mistresses.
The Hebrew word translated "delights" here refers to sexual
caresses and enjoyments of the pleasures of sexual love? It's the
same word used of Shulamith in Song 7:6, "How beautiful and
delightful you are" - skilled in giving sexually delightful
caresses. Thus, a concubine was a kind of mistress.
The twentieth century call girl would to some extent
parallel the concubine, except these modern-day "mistresses" have
abandoned the child-bearing aspect! They simply provide skilled
sexual pleasure. The business world is full of these immoral
young women. While the skills they supposedly have are common
knowledge, only a husband not satisfied at home or deprived
sexually by his wife would tend to be interested. If a man
doesn't have a "magnet" at home, he might look elsewhere! This is
what Paul warns against.
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that
you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come a together again
lest satan temp you because of your lack of self-control (1
Cor.7:5).
He implies if a husband and wife do not satisfy each other
sexually, both or one might be tempted by Satan to get that
satisfaction somewhere else! The best prevention for adultery is
complete satisfaction at home.
Note:
[While I have no problem with the understanding that concubines
could give and perform great sex, to liken them to modern "sex
for sale" ladies or in the closet mistresses, is a pure lack on
study on the truth of the matter. Concubines were WIVES, but
classified as "secondary" wives, whatever that portended in that
old society of B.C. days. The fact is they were still wives. This
I have shown in my study on this Website under the subject of
Polygamy. Dillow did not do his home-work and so his comments
here are at variance with the facts - Keith Hunt].
6:8 SOLOMON:
There are sixty queens and eighty concubines,
And maidens without number;
But my dove, my perfect one, is unique:
He is saying Shulamith is superior in every way to any
concubine of the empire. Even though Solomon may not have been
sexually involved with any of these women at that time, he knows
about their "skills" just as we hear today. Shulamith is superior
as a lovemaking partner. She is more "skilled" than any of them!
I'll never forget the message my wife heard by one of the most
godly Christian women I ever met. Her testimony has been written
in a number of books. She is the wife of one of the most
prominent evangelical leaders of our time and is a widely
sought-after speaker to women's groups all over the country. She
was speaking to a group of wives on the subject of sex in
marriage.
In essence she said the following: "You know, girls, a
prostitute is skilled in all the techniques of giving sexual
pleasure to a man she does not even know or love. If they can do
that for a man they do not even know or love, just for money,
surely we should be even more skilled in giving sexual pleasure
to our husbands whom we do love."
Shulamith was superior to all would-be mistresses in her
husband's eyes-are you? Solomon said this was true of Shulamith,
and this book presents sex in marriage as the "flame of the Lord"
(8:61.
The same idea is implied in Prov. 5:1-23.
An Immoral Harlot
("Keep your way far from her," 5:8)
A Loving Wife
("Drink water from your own cistern" 5:15 "Rejoice in the wife of
your youth" 5:18 "Be exhilarated always with her love" 5:19 "Let
her breasts satisfy you at all times" 5:19)
Wives, are your husbands rejoicing in, being exhilarated by,
and being satisfied with your skill in making love? The contrast
of the temptation of a harlot with the love of a wife certainly
suggests a wife ought to have more to offer her man physically
than a professional mistress!
I would like to conclude this discussion by posing a
question for you wives to ask yourselves. Please do not think I
am advocating immorality when 1 ask you to ask it. But, if your
husband began to search out a mistress, would he select you?
Would you qualify - sexually, I mean? If not, then you might
consider a few changes.
Solomon has praised his wife above all the women in his
court. In the following verses he deals with some of the reasons
he praises her.
6:9 SOLOMON:
But my dove, my perfect one, is unique:
She 's her mother's only daughter;
She is the pure child of the one who bore her.
The phrase suggests she was her mother's favorite.
The maidens saw her and called her blessed
The queens and concubines also, they praised her,
saying
6:10 SOLOMON:
Who is this that grows like the dawn,
"She outshines all others like the early dawn, which looks
down from heaven over the mountains down to the earth," Zockler
says.
As beautiful as a full moon,
As pure as the sun,
She had blazing radiance. Arabic poets frequently compared
feminine beauty to the sun and the moon.
As awesome as an army with banner. (See 6:4)
SHULAMITH IN THE GARDEN
(Reflection #12, Song 6:11-13a)
In this section Shulamith takes her leave of Solomon and
goes to a garden on the palace grounds for meditation. Previously
she had two problems: (1) guilt at refusing Solomon's advances
and (2) a desire to see the countryside once again. Solomon's
lavish praise assuring his acceptance of her just as she is has
dealt with the first problem. Only one remains--a desire to
return to the country she left.
The logical connection of this scene to the preceding verses
seems to be it is the answer to the question raised in 6:10 ("Who
is this that grows like the dawn?"). Shulamith's answer, as the
scene will reveal, is that she is a country girl in the palace of
a king, one whose soul is craving to visit the Lebanon mountains
she loves.
The scene involves a dialogue with the imaginary chorus.
6:11 SHULAMITH:
I went down to the orchard of nut frees
To see the blossoms of the valley,
The passage suggests the springtime once again, Perhaps her
thoughts went back to Solomon's springtime visit during their
courtship.
To see whether the vine had budded
Or the pomegranates had bloomed.
Before I was aware, my soul set me
Over the chariots of my noble people.
This is the most difficult verse in the book to interpret
Although interpretations differ tremendously, it seems that we
must take verse 13 into account, ("Come back, come back, O
Shulammite"), implies Shulamith is entertaining the thought of
leaving the palace.
The thought seems to be this: Shulamith is in the garden
quietly meditating on the beauty around her and thinking of home.
Gradually her thoughts begin to drift back to life in the palace.
She thinks of the lonesome hours she spends waiting for Solomon's
attention and often feels alone and forsaken, a country girl in a
king's palace.
As she is absorbed in her thoughts, the sound of a chariot
bounding along a distant road breaks the hush of the morning.
Suddenly the desire comes upon her to get in one of the chariots
and flee the palace. The text makes it quite clear that she does
not do so, but her "soul set her over (in) the chariots" - her
heart longed to be in one. She is not thinking of forsaking
Solomon; rather it is a sudden impulse to flee to the country she
loved. The chariots of her noble people refer to the chariots
which belong to the retinue of the court.
6:13 CHORUS:
Come back, mine back, O Shulamite
The chorus calls her longing heart back to reality by saying
"Come back," psychologically speaking, four times. This is the
first time the word SHULAMMITE is used in the book. without doubt
the word is the feminine form of "Solomon." It suggests she is
the "other-part of" solomon. she is one flesh with him. that
realization brings her thoughts back to her lover and her desire
to make love with him.
Come back that we may gaze at you
COMMENT
Of shepherds and sex
A shepherd is a protector and a leader. As a husband, are
you? If you are not and you find your wife is not particularly
responsive sexually, it could be related to these factors. The
number one concern of men, according to one survey, in their
sexual relationship with their wives, is that their wives are not
aggressive enough. This survey indicates that 19 percent of
Christian husbands (that's one out of every five men who read
this book) complain of their wife's lack of interest in sex.
Have you considered the relationship between your leadership and
her loving? Let me explain.
God has obviously set up a line of authority in all spheres
of human existence (family, church, government). He has done so
for good reason. No one can carry all the responsibility. Thus,
the person over you in your job does not require you to shoulder
his responsibilities as well as yours. Yet, too many wives are
bearing responsibilities God never intended them to carry. For
example, in your family, who carries the emotional burden for how
your children turn out? Who carries the emotional burden for
their discipline? According to the Bible, she is not to carry
that burden; you and I are! (Eph.6:1-4)
The thing that makes the chain of command work is its
capacity to absorb shock. Something is always going wrong in
life. Does that something always crash in on your wife, or is it
intercepted and absorbed by you?
This works in the business world. A firm on the West Coast
recently received a number of awards for outstanding business
achievement. Yet, in their everyday workings, they violated many
basic principles of sound business management. An examination
into the inner working revealed that the reason for this firm's
success was three men. These men were shock absorbers. Every time
financial collapse, business reversal, personal problem, or legal
hassle threatened the firm, these men absorbed the shock. As the
shock waves began to wind their way down the chain of command,
they ran smash into these three men and stopped!
As a result, the employees underneath them came to work free
from worry and pressure. They didn't have to absorb the pressures
of their supervisors and they therefore produced to their
maximum.
Your wife is like one of those employees. When the shock
waves of life's reversal come crashing in on your family, if
there is a man there to absorb them and to provide a protective
shield, she is emotionally released to be a woman. I'm not saying
you shouldn't ever share your problems with her. You should share
them all with her. She is a joint heir of the grace of life. One
of the reasons you married her was because she was a source of
strength. The issue is, how do you share your problems?
Do you do it in a depressing, defeated, and complaining way that
simply burdens her with not only her sphere of problems but now
yours too? Or do you do it like this, "Honey, we've really got
some things we need to trust the Lord for, I've been laid off,
and there are no job prospects and no money. Right now I have no
idea what we are going to do, but I know that God has a purpose
in it, and I'm really looking forward to what He is going to do.
Let's pray and trust this situation to him."
Thus, instead of dumping the problem on her and asking her
to prop you up, you've asked her to join you in trusting the
problem to the Lord. What makes the difference is your attitude.
We're not saying you have to be the strong silent type that
smiles as he leads his troops into battle with both legs shot
off, but if you are continually whining and communicating
weakness to her, she can't be expected to follow your lead with
much confidence in bed or anywhere else.
If you are a protector and a leader, if you assume personal
responsibility for that home and for her welfare and happiness,
if you assume responsibility for the kids, the bills, the
family's future, its goals, you are a shepherd like Solomon.
Furthermore, you are creating an atmosphere in which she feels
secure and trusting. You are creating a climate that makes her
feel she can trust in you and rely on you.
How is being a shepherd related to sexual love?
In a massive study of 500 women covering five years, Seymour
Fisher came to some startling conclusions about one of the most
common sexual problems among women - inability to experience
orgasm. Some studies have indicated that as many as 40 percent of
American women married twenty years or more have never
experienced orgasm. In a study I conducted of some 158 women, 39
percent indicated they experienced orgasm "sometimes, rarely, or
never.""
One of the common characteristics of a large percentage of
non-orgasmic wives in Fisher's study was feelings about loss.
"Overall, there was enough evidence to suggest that a woman's
ability to reach orgasm is tied to her feelings about loss.
apparently, the more she feels that she cannot depend on being
able to hold the people and things she values, the more limited
is her orgasm capacity."
Recently I heard a good illustration. A man up on the roof
is trying to fix his TV antenna. Suddenly it begins to rain, and
as he struggles with the guy wires, he slips. He begins to tumble
down the roof, makes a last ditch effort and grabs the drain
trough. He is hanging from the edge some three stories up, and
his fingers begin to give way. Desperately he struggles to hold
on, but his strength is almost gone. Not knowing what else to do,
he looks up into the sky and asks, "Is there anyone up there who
can help me?" Sure enough, a little cloud forms and parts in two,
and a voice booms out from behind the cloud, "Believe and let
go."
The man hangs there staring blankly into the heaven for
about thirty seconds and then shouts, "is there anyone else up
there who can help me?"
Before that man will "believe and let go," he wants to know
the voice can back up its command. He wants to know someone will
be there to catch him before he hits the ground. He wants a sense
of trust and confidence in the "somebody."
The same situation applies to a wife as she moves towards
orgasm. Men and women tend to conceptualize sexual intercourse in
slightly different ways. A man tends to think of intercourse as a
taking or a possessing. A woman man, on the other hand, tends to
see it as a yielding, a giving of herself. Thus for her to be
totally free, she must feel secure in the permanence of your love
and the security of your relationship with her.
As she is moving towards orgasm, the sexual tension develops
gradually to a point where there is a blurring of perceptual
reality. As objects become hazy she may picture the relationship
"slipping away." To yield totally is like "Believe, and let go."
Perception is fading and she now must "let go." Yield. If there
is any insecurity or lack of trust in the marriage relationship,
she may subconsciously pull back and cannot "let go" as
perceptual reality darkens. She transfers her lack of security
and permanence in the relationship outside the bedroom into the
bed itself, and it sets up a mental block that keeps her from
moving to climax.
This by no means the only reason women do not achieve
orgasm, but it appears to be a major one. I know many men who are
wonderful "shepherds" whose wives have never experienced an
orgasm; however, all too frequently the problem is rooted in a
lack of a trusting and secure relationship.
She wants to feel you are a man ... that you will protect
her, lead her, and take care of her forever. If you communicate
indifference, weakness, or deliberate insensitivity you can upset
the balance of her emotional mechanism. Thus, sexual problems are
usually relationship problems and not just the woman's problem.
"Why don;t you go see a doctor and find out what's wrong with
you?" some husbands ask. There is nothing wrong with her in most
cases; there is something wrong with your relationship, and that
is just as much your fault as hers.
One well-known sexual treatment clinic has come to a
dogmatic conclusion that there is no such thing as a woman with
the problem of "frigidity." There are only marriage relationships
with the problem of frigidity. The relationship is the problem,
not the woman!
Edgar Rice Bourroughs had the right idea about male-female
relationships when he told the Tarzan stories. An ape-man in the
jungles of Africa was raised by some gorillas. One day a woman
named Jane (Ph.D.in something), came into Tarzen's world, and he
married her. Tarzan knew what he wanted, and Jane knew what she
wanted - Tarzan. She may have had a Ph.D., but Tarzan called the
shots. Once they got that straightened out, they had a swinging
time together! He offered security, strength, and protection!
A love affair with your husband's body
Shulamith has a love affair with her husband's body. She
daydreams erotically of his physical manliness. She has a problem
getting her sexual desire up to Solomon's, so one way she raises
it is to think sexual thoughts about her husband during the day.
Shirley Rice speaks of having a "holy lust" for your husband.
Shulamith did (Song 5:9-16).
Do you think about your husband sexually or do you just
think of "what a nice guy he is"? Do you think of how great it is
to make love with him, or do you think of him as "that wonderful
father and provider"? It is perfectly "holy" to think erotic,
sexual thoughts about your husband during the day. It's in the
Bible.
Too frequently women who cannot climax tend to view their
husband's genitals as separate from their husband as a person.
They would never daydream about their husband's body as Shulamith
did; it seems repulsive to them. This is a major cause of
orgasmic dysfunction. You are to consider his genitals as part of
him as a person. You are to consider his semen as life, his life!
This is easy to grasp in connection with conception and
pregnancy, but not in regard to sex.
Three basic attitudes for solving problems
This series of three reflections reveals three basic
attitudes adopted by Shulamith and Solomon in the interim between
the beginning of the sexual problems and their solution. These
attitudes are crucial for the resolution of all marital problems
FIRST, there is the assuming of responsibility for one's own
behavor instead of blaming the mate.
The SECOND basic attitude necessary for problem-solving is to
render a blessing when hurt or offended by one's mate (1 Peter
3:9).
The THIRD basic attitude revealed here is a complete and
transparent communication of one's real feelings. To suggest
marriage problems can be solved by simply assuming responsibility
for one's own behavior and responding with a blessing is quite
simplistic and can lead to suppression of negative feelings. It
is vitally important that all negative feelings be freely and
totally vented. even anger should be fully expressed.
The Scriptures admonish us to "be angry but sin not" (Eph.
4:26). I think this means our anger is never to dissolve into
personal attacks, bitterness, or name calling. An "explosion" of
pent-up tensions in a marital relationship can often have a very
healthy effect. If you have been hurt by your mate, by all means
express your hurt and reveal your feelings. How else can he work
on the problem unless he knows specifically what it is? On the
other hand, continual nagging and criticism is counter-
productive.
Make your feelings known and strive for a few "reminders" as
possible, trusting god to work changes. If there seems to be no
response, professional help should be considered before
communication lines become so frozen that it becomes impossible
to find release in the relationship.
The two lovers of the Song are well on their way to
resolving some of the problems they encountered in regard to
sexual compatibility. The first step in the direction of a
solution involved a change of attitude. Now, in the following
reflection, a change of action is apparent as Shulamith
aggressively takes the initiative in their loveplay.
FOOTNOTES
1. The Interpreters Dictionary of the Bible, ad. Arthur
Buttrick, four Vols. (New York: Abingdon Press, 1962), 4,13.
2. Rant Delitzsch, "Song of Songs" (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans,
n.d.), p.104.
3. Otto Zockler, "The Song of Solomon" Lane's Commentary, 12
Vols.; Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1960 [orig. ed. 1872], V. 107.
4. Fred Hartley Wright, "Manners and Customs of Bible Lands"
(Moody, 1953).
5. Delitzsch, p.109.
6. Roland de Vaux, "Ancient Israel" (New York: McGraw-Hill,
1965), p.116.
7. Inerpreters Dictionary of the Bible, 1, 666.
8. Translation by Delitzsch, p.238.
9. Zockler, "Ecclesiastes," P.56.
10. Zockler, "Song," p.111.
11. H. R. Rowley,"The Meaning of the 'Shulamite,'" " The
American Journal of Semitic Languages and Literature, 56
(January, 1939), 84-91.
12. Christian Family Life Marital Information Survey, 1974.
13. Ibid.
14. Seymour Fisher, "Understanding the Female Orgasm," p.74.
Solomon on Sex #9The Dance of the Mahanaim - Being CreativeWe continue with Dillow's book "Solomon on Sex."
THE DANCE OF THE MAHANAIM
(Reflection #13, Song 6:138-8:4)
CONTEXT
In the previous reflection, the Chorus has called Shulamith
back, psychologically, to her home in the palace. They say:
6:13 CHORUS:
Come back, come back, O Shulamite;
Come back, come back, that we may, gaze at you.
This serves as a transition to the next scene. The point of
transition is in the word "gaze." The chorus, an imaginary
literary device, obviously will not do the gazing on Shulamith.
But the idea of "gazing" is picked up in the next scene as
Solomon gazes on the beauties of his wife as she dances before
him (they are alone in the palace).
The logical connection with the preceding scenes seems to be
this. Shulamith awakens after a painful dream only to find
Solomon is not at her side. The dream has set her desires in
motion to make love with her husband (5:8). Solomon appears and
assures her of his love regardless of her performance (6:4-30).
Then Solomon returns to the palace, and Shulamith goes down into
the garden to be alone with her thoughts. Her longings for her
country home are interrupted by the urgent plea of the chorus to
come back, psychologically speaking, to life at the palace. Her
thoughts are suddenly drawn once again to her lover, the desire
she had to be in his arms (5:8) is rekindled, and she seeks him
out in the following passage to make love. Solomon had approached
her desiring to make love many times and at the wrong times, and
she had refused him. Now she picks up on her intent of 5:6-8 to
search out her husband and initiate lovemaking with him
(6:13b-7:9).
Thus, even though much of the problem is Solomon's fault,
she assumes responsibility for her own behavior. In 5:10-6:3 she
changes her attitude, and in 6:13b-8:4 changes her actions.
COMMENTARY
Solomon and Shulamith are alone in the palace. Shulamith
desires to make love with her husband and aggressively takes the
initiative. As part of their loveplay, and as her way of arousing
her husband's sexual interest, she dances before him. She
obviously has no problems with inhibitions.
6:136 SHULAMITH (to the Chorus):
Why should you gaze at the Shulamite
As at the dance of the two companies?
As Shulamith dances before her lover, she is being very coy
and saying, "Why would the chorus want to gaze on me?" The answer
is obvious, Solomon thinks she is beautiful and loves to look at
her. She is replying to the quotation of the imaginary chorus of
6:13a. This statement provides a literary and logical transition
from one point in the Song to another. The following verses
clearly indicate this to be a very close, intimate scene
involving Shulamith and Solomon and the conversation of love,
alone! (7:6,10)
What is the "dance of two companies?" The phrase "two
companies" is a translation of the Hebrew word, "mahanaim."
Mahanaim was a town from which David fled as a fugitive from
Absolom (2 Sam.17:24). It was a small town situated north of the
Jabbok, not far from the Jordan Valley. The allusion here seems
to be the appearance of the angelic host at this site to Jacob on
his return home to the promised land. It is not clear why Solomon
refers to Mahanaim. Perhaps, the dance of the Mahanaim contains
something as magnificent and transporting as an angels dance.
Perhaps he viewed Shulamith as an "angel" dancing before him.
Dancing like this may seem strange to Western tastes, but in the
East in the Old Testament conception, joy and dancing were
inseparable (Eccles.3:4) - joy not only as the happy feeling of
youthful life, but also spiritual and holy joy (Ps.87:7).
Zockler argues convincingly that the descriptive phrases to
follow are from Solomon's lips.
7:1 How beautiful are your feet in sandals O prince's
daughter
Solomon comments on the gracefulness of her dancing.
The curves of your hips are like jewels.
The work of the hands of an artist
Both Lehrman and Delitzsch agree the curves of the hips
refer to their swaying motion as she dances before Solomon. The
phrase "curves of hips" is translated by Delitzsch, "the
vibration of the thighs." These movements are of a circular
motion, and probably refer to the windings of the upper part of
the body by means of the thigh joint.
Thus, Shulamith is dancing before her husband as part of
their loveplay. The reference to the top part of her thighs, her
navel, her belly, and her breasts indicates she had little or no
clothing on.
7:2a Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks
mixed wine
The word "navel" is assuredly an incorrect translation,
probably reflecting the translator's modesty. While the Hebrew
word could take that meaning, it is generally translated today as
"vulva," according to Brown, Driver, & Briggs. In other words,
Solomon views his wife's "garden" as she dances nude before him,
and she/him, and he says it looks to him like a "round goblet"
The Hebrew for "round goblet" should be rendered "a bowl in the
shape of a half moon." The allusion to the female genitals is
obvious; furthermore, this interpretation is necessary in view of
the sequential progression upward of his description of his wife,
similar to the sequence in 4:1-8.
(10) hair - tresses 7:5
( 9) head - crowns you like carmel 7:5
( 8) nose - like a tower of Lebanon 7:4
( 7) eyes - pools in Heshbon 7:4
( 6) neck - tower of ivory 7:4 (
( 5) breasts - two fawns 7:3
( 4) belly - heap of wheat 7:2
( 3) "garden" - navel - bowl in shape of a half moon 7:2
( 2) upper part of thighs - roundings of hips 7:2
( 1) feet - 7:1
For "navel" to mean "belly button" would violate the obvious
sequence of the passage.
Solomon says his wife's garden never lacks mixed wine. Wine
is used throughout the book (see 1:2, 2:4, 5:1) and in Eastern
erotic poems as a symbol of sexual pleasure. It would appear that
Solomon is suggesting that her "garden" is a never lacking source
of sexual pleasure for him. It is probable that the "mixed wine"
refers to a mixing of his sexual pleasure with hers - of wine and
milk (5:1); of myrrh and balsam.
7:26 SOLOMON:
Your belly is like a heap of wheat
Fenced about with lilies.
In Syria, the perfect skin was considered to be that which
could be compared in color to the yellowish-white of wheat after
it had been threshed and winnowed. Her navel and stomach are
described as being composed of wine and wheat. These symbols
suggest the common associations of a meal. Thus, the joining of
these two images implies that her "navel" and stomach constitute
a feast. It indicates a desire to kiss these areas as he later
expresses a desire to kiss her breasts.
7:3 SOLOMON:
Your two breasts are like two fawn,
Twins of a gazelle (see 4:5).
Your neck is like a tower of ivory
Her neck is smooth, white, and long.
Your eyes like the pools of Heshbon.
This was a city noted for its soft and beautiful pools. The
symbolism indicates peace in her eyes.
By the gate of Bath-rabbim.
The gates of a city were the chief places of assembly.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon
Which faces toward Damascus.
A tower facing Damascus was for the protection of the
nation. "In alike manner her stately look perhaps reflected the
strong character which was her protection" says one author.
7:5 SOLOMON:
Your head crowns you like Carmel
And the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads.
The king is captivated by your tresses
As majestic Mt.Carmel crowned the fertile plains of
Palestine, so her beautiful face sits exquisitely atop her lovely
figure. Since purple was the royal color, he must see her hair as
"queenly." While chains could not hold this mighty king,
Shulamith's lovely tresses have bound him to her.
7:6 SOLOMON:
How beautiful and delightful you are,
My love, with all your charms.
7:7 Your stature is like a palm tree
And your breasts are like its clusters.
She has a stately stature. To look upon the clusters of the
date palm causes the beholder to want to taste them. This simile
of subjective response, then, suggests Solomon's desire to kiss
her breasts.
The palm tree serves as a very beautiful description of
Solomon's beloved. It sways in the wind with inexpressible
gracefulness but seldom breaks. The trunk was tall, slender, and
flexible? Palm branches were traditionally a source of rejoicing
(Lev.23:4; Neh.8:15; Rev.7:9). The tree typified grace, elegance,
and uprightness.
7:8 SOLOMON:
I said "I will climb the palm tree
I will take hold of its fruit stalks."
Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine.
To "climb the palm tree" had a special meaning. In the
Ancient Near East the artificial fertilization of the female palm
tree flowers by the male palm tree flowers has been practiced
from earliest times. The male and female flowers are born on
separate trees in clusters among the leaves. In order to
fertilize the female tree, one must climb the male tree and get
some of its flowers. One then ascends the female tree and ties
among its flowers a bunch of the pollen-bearing male flowers.
Thus, to climb the palm tree is to fertilize it. Solomon 's
using some contemporary language of the vineyard to say he
intends to make love to Shulamith right away!
Solomon says he will caress her fruit stalks - her breasts.
Now he changes images from date palms to gape clusters for
breasts, which seems more appropriate. Grapes swell and become
increasingly round and elastic as they ripen, similar to the
female breasts when sexually aroused.
7:9 SOLOMON:
And the fragrance of your breath like apples,
And your mouth like the best wine.
Her mouth is "like the best wine." In other words, it is a
great source of pleasure. Her kisses are "sweeter than wine."
7:9 SHULAMITH:
It goes down smoothly for my beloved
Flowing gently through the lips of those who fall asleep
To what does "it" refer? Obviously, it goes back to the
"wine," or high sexual pleasure. She says her love is totally and
completely satisfying to him - "It goes down smoothly." She is
fully confident of her lovemaking skill and knows she can satisfy
her man. As wine causes the body to relax and drift into sleep,
so their love has left them sweetly exhausted, and they fall
asleep in one another's arms.
7:10 SHULAMITH:
I am my beloved's
And his desire is for me.
She thrills at the fact that Solomon desires her physically.
This refrain has been slightly but profoundly changed from its
three previous usages.
2:16 My beloved is mine and I am his
6:3 I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine,
7:10 I am my beloved's and his desire is for me.
This could possibly suggest a deepened sense of security in
Solomon's love. When she first mentions the refrain it is during
their courtship, and her possession of Solomon is primary, while
his possession of her is secondary. The second time she reverses
the order, making his possession of her primary, indicating a
greater degree of security in him. Now, after this love scene
where she has totally satisfied her man, she not only places his
possession of her in the forefront, but she strengthens it by
saying that his desire is toward her. She is so focused on him
that she omits her possession of him. She is revelling in her
"woman power" - her ability to satisfy her man physically. The
word translated "desire" is the same word used in Gen.3:16 where
it is said the woman's desire would be toward her husband.
They have just consummated sexual union. As they lie there
together, Shulamith broaches a subject that has long been on her
heart, she desires to visit the countryside and now claims the
"vacation for two" Solomon promised her on the honeymoon night
(4:8).
7:11 SHULAMITH:
Come, my beloved, let's go out into the country,
Let us spend the night in the villages
7:12 Let us rise early and go to the vineyards;
Let us see whether the vine has budded
And its blossoms have opened
And whether the pomegranates have bloomed
There I will give you my love.
7:13 The mandrakes have given forth fragrance
And over our doors are all choice fruits,
Both new and old
Which I have saved up for you my beloved.
In these verses, Shulamith invites Solomon for an escape
into the forests of the Lebanon mountains to the north. There,
she says, they will make love outdoors! I think any married
couple would do well to follow her advice in planning a few
getaways every year where they can renew their physical love and
evaluate their marriage and goals in life. My wife and I try to
do this at least twice a year. I wish we could do it once a
month!
Note, wives, Shulamith suggests this adventure away from the
palace. There are places to make love other than the bedroom.
Shulamith is suggesting they make love in the open air of the
countryside. With a little careful research you can probably find
a private spot for you and your mate to enjoy a Sunday afternoon
making love out under the sky. Be sure your research is thorough,
however, or your picnic for two might suddenly be interrupted by
a troop of Boy Scouts tromping through the woods!
Notice she longs to see "whether the vine has budded and its
blossoms have opened" (7:12). It is apparently spring. They had
courted and were married in the midspring (2:10-14). perhaps this
indicates the passage of one year since their marriage. "The
mandrakes have given forth fragrance. . . ." The mandrake was
considered an aphrodisiac in the ancient world. To say they give
forth fragrance is a poetic way of saying the springtime
atmosphere of the countryside is conducive to making love.
When she says ". . . Over our doors are all choice fruits,
Both new and old, Which I have saved up for you my beloved," she
is promising both new and old things in their countryside
lovemaking. The "doors" refer to the fact that they are outside,
and their "doors" are the branches in the trees and the open air.
Fruit is a reference to sexual pleasure in general here. Thus,
she has saved up some sexual pleasure they are accustomed to, and
with the coming of the new fruit of a fresh spring she has some
new sexual pleasures she plans to offer him. She is creative! She
is skilfully building his sense of anticipation by appealing to
his sexual imagination.
8:1 SHULAMITH:
Oh that you were like a brother to me
Who nursed at my mother's breasts
If I found you outdoors, I would kiss you;
No one would despise me either.
She expresses her desire to be free to unashamedly kiss her
husband in public as well as in private. It is all right to kiss
your brother unashamedly in public because no one will think of
sexual connotations - "no one would despise me either." However,
to kiss your husband like that is deemed socially inappropriate.
Times haven't changed.
8:2 SHULAMITH:
I would lead you and bring you into the house of my mother,
who used to instruct me;
I would give you spiced wine to drink from the juice of my
pomegranates.
If you were my brother, she says, we could live at my home
in the country. I would feed you from the juice of my
pomegranates (from the vineyard of my sexual pleasures), and sit
under your instruction as I used to sit under my mother's.
8:3 SHULAMITH:
Let his left hand be under my head,
And his right hand embrace me.
She is now referring to what she said in 7:12,13. They are
going to make love in the country. The momentary daydream of her
desire that Solomon be like a brother is broken, and she longs
for the opportunity to make love with him in the countryside. She
imagines his left hand under her head as she lies on her back in
some country meadow, and his right hand "embracing" or "fondling"
her breasts and "garden."
For the third time in the book now, Shulamith repeats the
warning not to allow sexual passion to develop until God has
brought the right man (i.e., the one He wants you to marry) into
your life.
8:4 SHULAMITH:
I want you to swear, O Daughters of Jerusalem,
Do not arouse or awaken love,
Until it pleases.
For the third time she addresses the imaginary chorus with
this warning. Let us review the warnings.
First warning, 2:7: If you want to have the maximum sexual joy
and fulfilment in marriage, do not allow sexual arousal to occur
with anyone but the one God intends for you.
Second warning: If you want to be free to evaluate objectively
and to consider the cost of marriage to this particular person,
do not allow yourself to become sexually stimulated, or your
objectivity may be lost, and there are great issues at stake,
3:5.
Third warning: This one in 8:4 seems to stress the importance of
premarital chastity in view of the sexual adjustments to be made
"after you've said 'I do.'" - To involve yourself sexually before
marriage can hinder your ability to resolve sex problems after
marriage. We now know this is not simply theoretical. Any
marriage counsellor can give numerous illustrations of the
effects of premarital sexual involvement on postmarital sexual
adjustment.
For example, it often results in premature ejaculation
difficulties for the men. The guilt some wives feel over their
premarital sexual involvement can so scar their emotions that
they continue to think of sex as wrong even in marriage and
freeze up sexually. One woman complains of the fact that every
time she makes love with her husband, she carries mental images
of the other men she had relationships with before she was
married. These images generate continued guilt. No, Shulamith's
waning is very relevant to the twentieth century. The new
morality is just the old immorality that has plagued the lives of
many and destroyed numerous marriages over the centuries.
Fortunately, the believer in Christ can experience
forgiveness of sin through the cross. Every sin you will ever
commit has been paid for if you trust Christ as Savior. What a
freedom! "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are
in Christ Jesus" (Rom.8:1). If God can forgive murder, He can
forgive premarital sex. Claim that forgiveness now (1 John 1:9)!
COMMENT
This beautiful love scene and the ensuing conversation
suggest several pertinent applications to marriage today.
The Dance of the Mahanaim
As mentioned in the commentary, Shulamith obviously was not
very inhibited. To dance like this, provocatively displaying
one's body, might seem a little unusual for Western tastes. We
must remember, however, that the Bible is a Near Eastern book,
and such behavior would not seem at all inappropriate in that
cultural context. Furthermore, the fact that Shulamith displayed
this kind of freedom doesn't imply that this is a norm for all
Western wives. She was being creatively aggressive to please her
man within the confines of her own personality and culture. The
Bible does not want any woman to try to be something that is
totally at variance with her personality. However, it could be
that God would have an inhibited wife change her personality a
little and strive to be what her husband needs!
The first thing that would inhibit any wife from this kind
of foreplay in the bedroom is concern about her figure. If she
thinks she is overweight, she will be very inhibited when it
comes to this kind of bedroom behavior. She thinks her husband is
only looking at the bulge around the middle. A wise woman once
counselled, "Stand nude in front of a mirror and take a good look
at yourself. Don't just look at the front; your husband sees the
back too. Turn sideways and get a glimpse of what you look like
to him." If you think there are some improvements needed, make
them!
Many marriage counsellors consider inhibitions the number
one cause of frigidity in women. Nothing so dramatically surfaces
this issue as the contemplation of doing the dance of the
Mahanaim for your husband. Perhaps because of our society's
perversion of sex, many wives tend to react to the other extreme.
In view of so much perverted exploitation of the human female
body, it is natural to think that since the world displays it, a
wife should conceal it. But certainly inhibition, whatever the
causes, can generate considerable sexual tension in a marriage.
Overcoming it is a very difficult thing. It might be helpful to
consider that many of our ideas concerning modesty and "virtue"
are really not related to the Bible at all. In their book, "The
Freedom of Sexual Love" - Joseph and Lois Bird speak directly to
this concern. "Nudity between husband and wife has nothing,
repeat, nothing, to do with the virtue of modesty. In the
intimacy of marriage, undressing for each other should be as
natural and unself-conscious as a shared laugh or a mutual
prayer. ."
Shulamith recognizes men are more aroused initially by sight
- by a physical approach. Women often approach their husbands in
a way they like to be approached - with romance, gentleness, etc.
While that is certainly appropriate, it is sometimes a kind of
selfish indifference to the husband. On the other hand, husbands
sometimes approach their wives in the way they, the husbands,
like to be approached. Men tend to be more physical and direct.
Wives often say their husbands move too quickly to genital
stimulation. The reason they do is that they are selfishly
approaching their wives the way that appeals to them, not really
thinking of their needs for tenderness and romance. Notice that
Solomon always approaches his wife sexually with romance,
atmosphere, and tenderness (Song 4:1-8). Shulamith, on the other
hand, aggressively approaches her husband in a more physical way
- with a dance (Song 7:1-9). Both are concerned with meeting
their mate's needs and not insisting on sex on their own terms!
While such a dance would be inappropriate for many marriage rela-
tionships, if you and your husband have the kind of freedom and
lack of inhibition described here (and there is nothing
necessarily wrong if you don't), you might try some of these
suggestions. Near Eastern Dancers often wore provocative
negligees while dancing. Shulamith did and she also wore sandals
(7:1,2). Thus, sandals and sexy negligees are part of a biblical
description of foreplay!
The intimate afterwards
Tim LaHaye has pointed out a basic difference in the male
and female sex drive cycles. He diagrams it this way:
(the diagram is not reproduced, but the diagram for the man is a
straighter up curve and a straight drop down after climax. The
diagram for the woman is a much longer curve up and a longer out-
stretched curve down - Keith Hunt)
The difference in cycle is beautifully brought put in the
Song. After they consummate their love, they fall asleep in one
another's arms after engaging in loving conversation (7:9-13).
Many husbands fail to express this post-orgasm intimacy and
expression of love. This is because, as the diagram indicates,
once the man has experienced orgasm, there is an almost immediate
return to normal relaxation and even exhaustion. At this point
many husbands roll over and go to sleep! However, it's not over
for her. As the diagram indicates, there is a gradual tapering
off of her sexual feelings back to normal relaxation. If you are
not sensitive to thus, your wife can begin to feel taken for
granted. "All he wants me for is sex," she may think. Or "The
only time he gives me attention is when he wants sex!" If you
roll over and fall asleep as soon as you're satisfied, what other
conclusions can she draw?
Paul taught that sexual intercourse was to picture Christ
and the church (Eph.5:31-32). This is an astounding parallel and
certainly ought to have forestalled the common notion that
Christianity is against sex. What is the essence of the parallel?
Death! Paul said the husband was to love his wife as Christ loved
the church and gave Himself for her. The believer is told that in
denying himself and losing his life, he will paradoxically find
it (Mark 8:35). Mutual death to self is the key to total oneness
spiritually and physically.
To what does the wife need to die in the physical realm? She
needs to die to inhibition. Inhibition is sometimes a subtle form
of rebellion. Paul says the wife no longer has authority over her
own body and the husband no longer authority over his. Once you
are married, you own your mate's body (1 Cor. 7:4). Thus,
inhibition is insisting on an authority that you no longer have
and thus is sin. (Sin in the physical realm of sin I would say -
Keith Hunt).
The husband, on the other hand, needs to die to the feelings
of embarrassment or awkwardness in expressing tenderness and
romance. Both must die for the intimacy of the total oneness of
sexual love to be experienced. You both die to anything that
would obstruct your mates pleasure.
Something old and something new
Shulamith is a creative lover. Instead of sitting around
resenting Solomon for his preoccupation with his job and his late
night approach, she assumes responsibility for her behavior and
changes the relationship. First of all she is more aggressive
toward him sexually, as illustrated by the dance of the Mahanaim.
Then she reveals she has planned a vocation in the Lebanon
mountains where they will walk, enjoy the springtime, and make
love outdoors. Furthermore, she builds his anticipation of the
time together by enticingly suggesting she has something old and
something new to offer him. She has planned some new sexual
"fruit" or surprises for them to enjoy (7:13).
There are THREE basic keys to fully satisfying your man
sexually.
Be more aggressive
I really think most men long for their wives to be more
aggressive sexually. A man wants to know you long for him just as
he longs for you. In a survey of 500 men, 39 percent said their
biggest dissatisfaction in then sexual relationships with their
wives was that their wives were not aggressive enough. Recent
books have recommended you call your husband at work and tell him
you "crave his body," or that you will meet him at the door when
he comes home wearing only high heels and jewelry! (If you are
shy you can wear lots of jewelry.)
Many people react to this sort of thing and say, "That's
just not me!" Then don't do !L Do what IS you. Ask God to show
you what you can do, and be willing to put your inhibitions
aside. Just remember to approach him according to the way God
designed him, through the eye gate as Shulamith did. If your
husband does not want you to be more aggressive, then don't be.
The goal is to be what your man wants. Know your husband and what
he wants, and if what he wants is the dance of the Mahanaim, get
on your dancing sandals!
Be totally available
The Scripture plainly says, "The wife's body does not belong
to her alone but also to her husband" (1 Cor.7:4). One doctor was
telling a wife that she should be totally available to her
husband, and the wife got a look of horror on her face. "If I was
totally available to him, we'd never get out of bed!" she said.
The doctor assured the distraught patient she and her husband
wouldn't have intercourse nearly as often as she expected. He
told her, "Someone who bangs on the door forty times when it
stays locked only knocks once if you open right away."
Most wives who haven't reached sexual harmony with their
husbands find them making some kind of advance nearly every
night. These women are afraid they will be asked to participate
more often than they can bear if they let down the barriers. But
actually, a man who has intercourse as often as he wants finds
that in a week or two the pressure of his physical urge is
relieved, and the psychological pressure to overcome resistance
no longer applies, so his sexual pace tapers off.
One man explained to me that his wife is available to him in
"spurts." After she has read a book about what a wife should be,
or heard someone speak on it, or when they have a fight about
sex, she has a good attitude for a few days; soon, however, she
returns to her old habits of rejection.
He said when she is responsive, "I take advantage of it
because I know it won't last long. And because I do, my wife
thinks all I ever think about is sex."
You know, when you are on a diet, all you can think about is
food. When you can have food anytime you want, you're not nearly
so interested. It's the same with sex. When a man or woman knows
they will be rejected, they will very likely be consumed with
what they can't have. When a man knows his wife is totally
available, his desire will gradually decrease. It may take some
time, but gradually as he sees you lovingly and eagerly available
to be loved by him, the frequency of your lovemaking will come to
a level more acceptable to you.
One woman had a husband who approached her very often,
several times a day, including the middle of the night. They had
fights; she told him he was oversexed. Finally, he said he had
had it and would approach her no more. She called my wife and
said, "Linda, I've heard you say publically and privately your
goal in life is to be, a godly woman. Well, let me tell you, my
goal in life it to make my husband scream for mercy!"
The poor man didn't know what had hit him. She told my wife
she knew she was succeeding when she approached him sexually
while he was watching television and he said, "Please! Let me
finish this program." She found she had to prove her total
availability to him by being aggressive.
This woman furthermore found her husband was truly
satisfied. Sex to a man isn't only physical. When she was warm,
responsive, and aggressive to her husband, he felt he was loved
and not just endured! His psychological needs of acceptance, of
wanting to be needed, and of wanting total involvement from his
wife had been met. As a result his obsession for sex began to
diminish. He still was very active sexually, but their
relationship was much improved because of her changed attitude.
People do have different amounts of sexual desire. If you
are married to a man with a high sex drive, ask God to make your
desire equal to his. Perhaps your husband has a low sex drive.
It's possible that it is physiological, but it could also be
psychological. I know of one case where it was directly related
to the fact that the woman was trying to lead the family, and
therefore he just wasn't interested in her.
Let's look a little more at the psychological aspects of
availability. A man once told me about his wife, "Even when she
satisfies me physically, I come away with a need. I feel she
hasn't really given or really enjoyed but just put up with me. I
need a sexual release again quickly because I'm longing for that
total oneness and release that comes when both partners
completely give of themselves. I know if I was satisfied
physically, emotionally, and spiritually that I wouldn't walk
around thinking about sex, wanting it and aching inside."
On the other hand, let's look at it from the woman's point
of view. Perhaps she is busily making presents. The children are
finally in bed, and for the first time that day she has a chance
to do something she wants and needs to do. While she is totally
engrossed, in walks her husband with that special gleam in his
eye. At this point she has a choice. She can say, "Oh honey, not
tonight," or she can decide and choose to love this man God has
given her. Even if her initial response is "Oh, no," she can
change that immediately to "Oh, yes!"
And once she is in his arms, she has more choices to make.
I'm convinced that much of a woman's sexual response is in her
brain. If he is kissing her and she is still thinking about the
gifts, she can decide to think about loving him and ask God to
give her a desire for him. If she will think and dwell on how
nice his body feels and what a privilege it is to love him, the
thoughts of the presents she was making will fade away.
Be creative
A wise woman once said, "You can become a Rembrandt in your
sexual art, or you can stay at the paint-by-number stage." The
woman who would never think of serving her husband the same
frozen television dinner every evening sometimes serves him the
same frozen sexual response every night. Sex, like supper, loses
much of its flavor when it becomes predictable. It is biblical
for a wife to be a skilful lover to her husband. Solomon said of
Shulamith's love skill, "How beautiful is your love, my sister,
my bride! How much better is your love than. wine. . . " He said
she was more skilled than any mistress the empire (Song 6:8). The
young man of Prov.5:19 is told to be drunk with his wife's sexual
skill!
What is skill? It's a lot more than technique! It is
primarily an attitude of total availability, that is 90 percent
of "skill." If a woman has this attitude, she and her husband
together can figure out all the "skills" they need without having
to read any books. To be "creative" is to bring into existence
something that hasn't been there before. Here it applies to
bringing into existence a vital and invigorating sexual life. It
involves taking the initiative. And finally, it does involve some
imaginative new ideas, but they are not nearly as important as
the fundamental attitudes we have been talking about in the
preceding chapters of this book.
Where does that leave you? O.K., so I'm supposed to be
creative. But what do I do? In chapter 6 we made some suggestions
to the men, but for a woman's point of view may I refer you to my
wife's excellent book (I'm not at all prejudiced!), "Creative
Counterpart" (Thomas Nelson, Inc., 1977) in which she devotes an
entire chapter to the subject of the "Creative Lover."
(That book may not now be available. I do not have a copy of it.
But I'm sure there are some other fine books on the present
market in Bible Book stores, that will expound the same truths
and instructions - Keith Hunt)
The conclusion of our tittle song is upon us. We have left our
lovers strolling along a country road as they come to Shulamith's
home in the Lebanon mountains. As they emerge from the forests
where they have shared their love, Shulamith for the third time
warns against the premature arousal of sexual passion (8:4). Her
warning that it not be awakened until you are committed to your
future husband becomes the introductory theme of the book's
conclusion. The poet in his final song will direct our attention
to the nature of the love Solomon and Shulamith share and how it
can be developed.
...................
The final chapter before an instructional APPENDIX is called "A
Vacation in the Country."
Solomon on Sex #10A Vacation in the CountryThe last chapter of Dillow's book
before the detailed Appendix 1 and 2
A VACATION IN THE COUNTRY
(Reflection #14, Song 8:5-14)
CONTEXT
One mark of a good writer is his wisdom in selection of his
material. In portraying this love story, our poet could have used
many incidents in the lives of Solomon and Shulamith. The fact
that out of many possible experiences he selects the ones he does
naturally leads us to ask, "Why?"
He selects material in order to accomplish his purpose. He
has something to tell us and chooses to do it without directly
telling us what he wants to say - by stringing a series of
reflections (small love songs) together in such a way that a
message is revealed. With great artistry, the poet selects
several fitting incidents with which to conclude his love song.
Since the theme of love has been the burden of the book, he tells
us in the concluding verses how this love can be attained and of
what it really consists. The following chart summarizes the
poet's craftsmanship.
A VACATION IN THE COUNTRY
LOVE AWAKENED
WHEN
under the apple tree
8:5
LOVE DEFINED
it is...
INTENSE
8:6
8:7a
it is
INVALUABLE
8:7b
LOVE DEVELOPED
by...
a caring family
8:8
8:9
by...
responsible choices
8:10
8:12
LOVE ENJOYED
"Hurry my beloved"
8:13
8:14
COMMENTARY
Love awakened
In the preceding reflection, Shulamith had spoken of a
vacation in the Lebanon mountains. As this reflection opens, we
find the royal couple walking down a country road. Shulamith has
just warned, for the third time, against the premature awakening
of love's passions (8:4). As the poet allows us to eavesdrop on
their conversation, the theme of the timing of her sexual
awakening is discussed.
8:5 CHORUS:
Who is this coming up from the wilderness
Leaning on her beloved?
Apparently, Solomon and Shulamith have just mine from the
forest where they shared their love. They are now at peace and
their love has been reconfirmed. The chorus provides a transition
into the next scene.
SOLOMON:
Beneath the apple tee I awakened you There your mother
was in labor with you There she was in labor and gave
you birth.
The text associates the apple tree here with Shulamith's
home and birthplace. Her home may have been shaded by the apple
tree to which Solomon referred. Thus, the apple tree does double
duty here as a symbol for the awakening of physical life at birth
and the awakening of sexual life on the wedding night (to which
she had referred in her warning to the daughters in the preceding
verse-8:4). By calling the reader's attention to the awakening of
sexual passion once again, the poet introduces us to the theme of
the last reflection - the development of the love of which the
book speaks. Before that can be explained, however, he leads us
into her comments about the nature of the love they share which
leads her to so commit herself to him.
Love defined
8:6 SHULAMITH:
Put me like a seal over your heart
Like a seal on your arm.
The seal of a king was commonly a sign of his ownership. It
signified something of great value. She desires to be set as a
seal on her husband's heart the place of his affection. To be set
like a seal on his arm is to be in the place of his strength or
protection. Why does she desire to be placed as a seal on his
heart and arm? The basis for her request is found in the
following verses. As long as she resides there (near his heart)
she knows the love of the king will keep her and give her
security. This is because his love is "as strong as death;" and
beyond purchase; it is invaluable.
(1) Love is intense.
She wants to be near his heart always, because she first of
all knows the intense nature of his love for her.
For love is as strong as death
Jealousy is as severe as Sheol;
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
The very flame of the Lord.
His love is like death because of its finality and
irreversibility. Frequently in the Old Testament, God is
presented as jealous in His love for His people, Israel. To say
God is "jealous" simply means he has intense love and concern. He
desires Israel's exclusive devotion to Him and not to other gods.
In a similar way, true love, says the bride, is like this. It is
exclusive and it is intense. Such is Solomon's love for her and
that is why she desires to be near his heart and under his
protection.
She even likens Solomon's love for her to "flashes of fire,"
the very "flame of the Lord." The fire of God's love for His
people is often described as an unquenchable fire in the Bible.
It bums so intently a river could not put it out.
8:7 SHULAMITH:
Many waters cannot quench love
Nor will rivers overflow it;
Certainly "waters" (trials, hurts, problems) will attempt
to squelch this love and drown it, but such perfect love cannot,
be deadened by these factors. Run a river over it and it still
burns.
This kind of love, of course, is only rarely (if ever)
obtained by fallen men. It is God's ideal.
(2) Love is invaluable.
SHULAMITH:
If a man were to give all the riches of his house for
love,
He would be utterly despised.
Why would this man be despised? Because he erroneously
thinks love can be earned (purchased with riches) or in some way
deserved. The poet is not being so obvious as to say that true
love can't be bought with money. That was dearly known. He is
emphasizing the fact that worthwhile love is never earned, but
can only be freely given. If you set a price of a million dollars
on it, it still couldn't be purchased. It comes the same way
God's love for us comes - when it is freely given. Like the
riches of Christ, such love is invaluable. A love that is "freely
given" creates a sense of security in the one loved. If the
person being loved senses he must earn or deserve love, he or she
lives on a performance standard. Solomon did not put his wife on
a performance basis. She knew she was loved regardless of how she
behaved.
How is this ideal love to be obtained? It is to this
question that our mind naturally wanders after such a glowing and
beautiful description of committed love. While many ingredients
are involved, our poet singles out two for special mention. Such
love is obtained when one is raised by a caring family and when
one makes responsible choices.
Love developed
In order to find satisfactory answers to the question of the
source of this quality of love, one must go way back to the
beginnings of character development, back to the home. Thus in a
kind of "flashback" the poet takes us back to Shulamith's
childhood as she was approaching puberty. Of all of the events he
could have related to us, he singles out one, a conversation
young Shulamith's brothers had among themselves. Apparently,
then, we are to see in this conversation something central to the
development of intense and unconditional love.
The basis for believing this is a "flashback" is in 8:10
where Shulamith dearly speaks of her adolescence: "I was a wall
..." referring to her inaccessibility sexually during that time.
8:8 BROTHERS:
We have a little sister, And she has no breasts,
What shall we do for our sister on the day she is
spoken for?
Shulamith's brothers are concerned for their sister's future
marriage and happiness. They want to prepare her for the "day she
is spoken for" - the day of her marriage. At this point, she is
without breasts (still entering puberty). Soon she will develop
into a mature woman and the boys will begin to call; her brothers
want to prepare her for that. Their strategy is simple and wise.
8:9 BROTHERS:
If she is a wall,
We shall build on her a battlement of silver;
But If she is a door,
We shall barricade her with planks of cedar.
Their strategy depends on her character. If she is a wall -
impervious to the boys advances - they will simply encourage and
praise her for her virtuous stand. To place a battlement of
silver on a wall is to decorate it to make it more beautiful.
Just as this battlement of silver increases the beauty of the
wall, they will attempt to increase her good character by praise.
There is, however, another possibility. It could be that
Shulamith will turn out to be a door - easily entered, easily
seduced. Should that prove to be the case, they will take a
different approach. They will barricade her with planks of cedar.
In other words, they will be very strict with her and
protect her from the boys' advances.
In essence the brothers were committed to a little of both
approaches. Surely they would praise her, and surely they would
restrict and protect her when necessary. Encouragement and
discipline were the characteristics of this caring home. Such
things take love and time and careful attention. Yet the poet
singles out this kind of an environment as one factor in
Shulamith's ability to develop an intense and unconditional love
for her husband.
But there is more. No matter what kind of home environment
one is provided with, he must begin to make responsible choices
regarding his sexuality that represent his own values and not
simply those of his parents. Shulamith informs us she made such
responsible choices in the following verses.
8:10 SHULAMITH:
I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers;
Then I became in his eyes as one who finds peace.
It was unnecessary for her brothers to build a plank of
cedar around her, she chose to be a wall. And when she matured,
her breasts were "like towers." The towers on the walls of the
city were the first things an enemy saw. But because of the
ability of the tower to provide a defense for the wall and the
city, the sight of those towers discouraged an attack.
In a similar way, Shulamith's fully developed breasts, ready
for love, were inaccessible. She was impressive to look at, like
the towers of the city, and was one of the first maidens to be
seen (due in part to her lovely figure). But any enemy of her
virtue was quickly repelled.
The next phrase is emphatic in the Hebrew: "THEN I became in
his eyes as one who finds peace." When? After deciding to be a
wall. As a result of assuming responsibility for her virtue, she
found favor in "his eyes" (Solomon's). The phrase seems to be a
play on words. The Bible uses a similar expression for a man
finding grace in the eyes of the Lord (Noah). She is saying she
found grace, favor in Solomon's eyes. The idea is that Solomon
fell in love with her.
But why was the normal biblical usage of finding "grace"
changed in this instance to finding "peace." Her name, when
pronounced out loud, sounds like "Shulamith." Solomon's name in
the original Hebrew sounds like "Shulomoh." The Hebrew word for
peace is "shalom." Thus, she says, "Shulamith had found shalom
with Shulomoh." She found love and romance when she found
Solomon. Her responsible behavior for her own sexuality revealed
a character that was able to attract the king's love.
The theme of responsible choices, freely made (not forced by
her brothers) is now elaborated more fully in a parable of a
vineyard.
8:11 SHULAMITH:
Solomon had a vineyard at Baal-hamon;
He entrusted the vineyard to caretakers;
Each one was to bring a thousand
shekels of silver for its fruit.
8:12 My very own vineyard is at my disposal;
The thousand shekels are for you, Solomon,
And two hundred are for those
who take rare of its fruit.
Shulamith now takes us back to the time she and Solomon
first met. Solomon owns many vineyards all over Palestine, and
one is located in the north of Palestine at Baal-haman near
Shunem, her home town. It was customary for the owner of a
vineyard to lease it out. In return for their work, those to whom
it was leased received 20 percent of the total profit. In this
case the vineyard that belongs to Solomon is leased to
Shulamith's brothers; hence it becomes a fitting analogy of
Shulamith's person who was also, for a time, under the care and
protection of her brothers. Shulamith often refers to herself as
a vineyard 12:15) and earlier complains about the workload
imposed on her by her brothers that had kept her from tending her
own vineyard-her feminine charms-1:5. As Solomon's vineyard had
been entrusted to Shulamith's brothers, so was Shulamith. After
caring for the vineyard the brothers produced a 1,000 shekel
profit for their king. But the "profit" they produced for Solomon
in their care for Shulamith was even greater, and she feels they
deserve a reward. Thus when she says, "My very own vineyard is at
my disposal," she is asserting that their work is done and she
now discharges her person, freely, to whom she desires. Her
vineyard is now under her authority and control, and she freely
gives of herself to her lover, the king. In the analogy, her way
of saying she gives all the profits of her brothers' care to
Solomon is by saying, "The thousand shekels are for you,
Solomon." That is, the entire profit of the vineyard she gives
him. However, since caretakers of a vineyard received 20 percent
of the profit, she asks Solomon to give her brothers 20 percent
of 1,000 shekels, or 200 shekels, for their efforts in preserving
her "fruit" for the king alone. It is probably not a request for
literal money, but simply that they be remembered and
appreciated.
Thus, not only did her brothers protect her and prepare her
to make personal choices when she came of age, she made them
responsibly. The poet, then, by selecting these two scenes, tells
us something of the development of an intense and unconditional
love,
It is, first of all, usually rooted in a home in which love
is coupled with discipline.
Secondly, it is a result of responsible behavior and is
freely given.
Throughout the Song, both lovers illustrate beautifully the
principle of giving freely and of assuming responsibility for
their own actions.
But now the conclusion of our love story has come. As it
began with a longing for sexual embrace (1:4) It is fitting that
it ends with the enjoyment of love.
Love enjoyed
As the lovers prepare to leave Shulamith's country home,
Solomon turns to his beloved and whispers:
8:13 SOLOMON:
O you who sit is the gardens, My companions are
listening for your voice
Let me hear it.
The Hebrew text does not have the word "My" in front of
"companions;" it just reads "companions." It certainly doesn't
refer to Solomon's companions, as that would make little sense.
The "companions" refer to those who knew Shulamith as a friend
and keeper of the vineyard. The playmates of her youth long to
hear her speak a farewell.
But while her old friends desire to hear her say something,
Solomon says there is something he wants to hear from her also.
She understands what he is getting at and playfully turns to him
and says, privately, so no one can hear,
8:14 SHULAMITH:
Hurry, my beloved,
And be like a gazelle or a young stag
On the mountain of spices.
The figures of a young stag and a gazelle picture
playfulness and sexual potency. The mountains of spices refer to
the "mound of myrrh and hill of frankincense" (4:6) - her
perfumed breasts and garden. Thus she invites Solomon to make
love.
COMMENT
The senior panic
As a college student I recall the fears that came upon many
of the seniors on campus as they faced graduation and the
assumption of responsibilities in the real world. We used to call
it "senior panic." However, the phrase was often used humorously
of girls who came to college for the purpose of getting husbands
and who now, as seniors and without any prospects in sight, were
going to be thrust out into society minus that anticipated mate.
In some cases the "panic" became rather amusing as girls would
woefully lament that now that they had arrived at the ripe old
age of twenty-two, they had lost their chances for marriage.
In a more serious vein, what of the woman who is widowed or
divorced, left with several children and anxious to remarry, but
due to age and circumstances feels her opportunities are slim?
In many respects Shulamith faced a similar situation. While
all the other girls were caring for their own vineyards and out
meeting boys, she had been forced into relative seclusion by her
brothers, working all day in the vineyards under the scorching
sun. How unlikely that such a girl would ever end up married to
the king of the nation! Yet the God who plans our lives causes
all things to work together for good. The lesson is this: no
matter how impossible the circumstances, God has no problem
bringing a future mate, selected by Him, into your life. You may
be shut up in the back of an office, forty years old, with four
kids to care for. Yet the Lord can bring the right person into
your secluded "vineyard" at the appropriate time. Can you trust
Him for that?
"Freely given" love
The last section of the book (8:8-12) is really an answer to
the question, "How can this love be attained?" She has specified
in 8:7 that it cannot be purchased; how then is one to acquire
it? Her answer is twofold.
First of all, she says it cannot be demanded or deserved; it
must be freely given. This, as explained in the commentary, seems
to be her meaning when in 8:12 she says, "My very own vineyard is
at my disposal." I am not under obligation, but I give freely she
says.
Too many couples think they deserve their mate's love. Too
many men adopt the attitude that since they provide a paycheck
and a home and security, their wives owe them love in return
Little do they realize a wife doesn't define love in terms of a
paycheck, but rather as a total relationship.
What is involved in this "freely given" love? It appears
Shulamith has come to this conclusion through experiences she has
described earlier in the book. How is love attained? Answer: by
freely giving to one another in the midst of problems and not
insisting on ones own way. Their love was attained by growth
through trials. Their struggles and their personal decisions to
freely give of themselves during their struggles knit them
together in a deeper bond of love.
Specifically, what did they "freely give?" As we observed in
chapter 9, they did two things. They both assumed responsibility
for their own behavior and did not focus on their mates error. We
saw Shulamith choosing to change her attitude about Solomon's
late-night approach to sex and his preoccupation with his job.
Instead of sitting around sulking about how neglected and taken
for granted she was, she committed herself freely to increasing
her own sexual desire and thinking on her husband's positive
qualities (5:9-6:3). Furthermore, she changed her actions by
aggressively taking the initiative in their sexual love (7:1-9).
The second thing they both freely gave in the midst of their
struggles was blessing for insult (1 Peter 3:9). We see this
clearly in Solomon's responses to her continual rejection of his
late-night approaches. He praises her exactly as he did on the
wedding night and loves her unconditionally (6:4-10)! Thus, they
freely gave of themselves in two ways; they assumed
responsibility for their own behavior, and they rendered blessing
for insult,
Many would like to experience the kind of love described by
Shulamith in Chapter 8. Yet few are willing to pay the price, and
end up in the divorce courts blaming each other or "traditional
role relationship teachings in the Bible" as the cause. The real
cause is something the Bible calls selfishness or sin. Love like
this is only fashioned in the anvil of adversity. This type of
love is forged in free choosing to love your mate unconditionally
when you are hurt, or when you are having problems in your
relationship.
Solomon and Shulamith didn't enter marriage with this kind
of love for each other. Their love deepened and grew as they
applied God's principles to their problems.
Yours can too!
......................
Appendix to follow
If you have taken the time to really study the Song of Solomon
with the study Joseph Dillow has given us, you can truly
appreciate the fine study it was and still is. This Bible book is
indeed God's handbook on love and sexuality for the married
couple - Keith Hunt
Appendix - Sexual DisfunctionHow to Overcome it!Dillow gives a long but very useful appendix - Keith Hunt
APPENDIX
NEW APPROACHES TO SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
Here, I have attempted to gather some specific information
related to two of the most common problems brought into my office
for counselling - premature ejaculation and orgasmic dysfunction
("frigidity"). While this material obviously is not derived from
an exegesis of the Song of Solomon, it has been so significantly
helpful to those with whom I have spoken that 1 felt it should be
included as an appendix to the book. This information has been
developed from consultations with gynaecologists counsellors
specializing in problems related to sexual dysfunctions, my own
counselling experience, and readings from some of the more recent
medical studies available.
According to numerous studies, half the people reading this
mated will identify with the factors being discussed. In this
country, 50 percent or the marriages are "sexually dysfunctional
or imminently so."
It is extremely difficult to reduce problems as complex as
these to paper. They really need to be dealt with by a qualified
Christian counsellor. The problem is that so few counsellors are
available. Dallas, for example, with a population of over one
million and an evangelical population larger than any other city
in the country, has not one Christian counsellor that specializes
in dealing with sexual problems Thus, to advise a Christian
couple to go see a counsellor (as many psychologists reading this
section would be prone to do) is like telling a blind man to see;
it's impossible! There isn't anyone! Thus, this information must
be communicated in written form.
Having said that, some definite guidelines can be charted
that, when faithfully applied, can bring relief to many who read
this book If the "steps to solution" outlined here don't seem to
work for you, that doesn't at all imply there is something wrong
with you; it simply means the interpersonal issues are much more
complex than I can relate to on paper. Furthermore, if these
suggestions do not help, that by no means implies the problem
cannot be solved. So consider these ideas as tentative
guidelines, and trust the Lord to use them in your lives as He
sees fit.
FOUR GENERAL ATTITUDES TO AVOID
These "attitudes to avoid" have been discerned in the
counselling office time and time again.
Avoid "blaming your mate"
Numerous counsellors will say that until the couple begins
to view the marriage relationship as the "patient" instead of one
another, no progress can be made. The problem is not yours, or
hers, or his; it's your relationship that needs treatment. For
example, consider a husband who ejaculates prematurely (before
his wife reaches orgasm). His wife is not quite sure what to do.
If she is aggressive toward him, he might withdraw because he
fears the "failure" associated with another sexual encounter.
Communication barriers begin to develop. Now, as a result of the
scars built by submerged communication, they not only have the
problem of premature ejaculation, but that very problem has been
made incapable of solution because of the communication tensions.
Obviously, the interpersonal interactions of all sexual problems
play an enormous part in the cause and solution to sexual
problems.
So, stop thinking he has a problem or she has a problem; it
should be WE have a problem. This is part of what Paul meant when
he said:
In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their
own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no
one ever hated his own body but he feeds and cares for it, just
as Christ does the church - for we are members of His body. For
this mason a man will leave his father and mother and will be
united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a
profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves
himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph.5:28-33).
You see, your mate's problems are your problems because you
are one, just like Christ and the church. The proper attitude is,
"Let's both of us go to a counsellor and see if we can get some
insight into our problem."
Avoid the "spectator role"
This is one of the most damaging barriers to sexual
stimulation. Instead of getting totally involved physically with
one's mate, forgetting everything else and lust "letting" sexual
arousal happen naturally, a person may mentally set himself apart
and observe his own responses. A person adopts this role because
he or she is afraid of failing to respond, and as a result, all
stimulation is blocked.
Thus, a couple struggling with the problem of an impotent
husband is handicapped because he is continually standing outside
the situation looking to see If he is able to get an erection.
Decide to stop worrying about your response and simply lose
yourself in the pleasures of sharing your mate's love.
Avoid goal-oriented performance
Too frequently, couples set the overcoming of particular
problems as the goals of their sexual encounters. This creates a
fear of failure - will I achieve my goal? If a wife has never had
an orgasm, the goal of sex may become her achievement of that.
Every encounter is entered into with the attitude, "Will we fail
again?" This fear of failure is the greatest barrier to success.
The man who cannot maintain an erection has fears every time he
approaches his wife sexually. He is completely distracted by the
thought that he might not have an erection. This worrying about
an entirely involuntary process is worse than useless. The wife
worries she might make it worse.
The wife who can't achieve orgasm often expects her husband
to "do something." He doesn't know what to do. He asks himself
why he can't satisfy her and worries so much about his own
performance that he can't relax.
As will be discussed later, a major step in solving any
sexual problem is to structure special sessions where it is
understood by both husband and wife before the lovemaking session
begins that nothing is expected.
Avoid myths
Many myths about sexuality are often involved in sexual
problems. The only way to avoid them is to become sexually
informed.
For example, some believe a "peak" or "explosive" orgasm is
normal for all women. This is simply not true.
Unfortunately, many men still embrace the myth that penis
size has something to do with their being able to sexually
satisfy their wives. It actually has nothing to do with it. After
all, the vagina can accommodate the head of a baby! The issue in
satisfying your wife is not the size of the penis, but how you
use it.
Another myth is that simultaneous orgasm is the normal or
even the best way to have sexual intercourse. Miles reports in
his surveys that only 13.7 percent of the couples regularly
experience simultaneous orgasm. It is extremely difficult, if not
sometimes impossible, to time responses that are basically
involuntary. There can be just as much joy and self-giving love
involved in a husband first of all stimulating his wife to orgasm
and then her satisfying him, or vice versa.
PREMATURE EJACULATION
One evening after speaking at a seminar on marriage, a young
woman came up to ask about a problem in her sexual relationship
with her husband. She had been married five years and had never
had an orgasm. In most cases this problem has psychological
causes, so I began to ask her some standard questions to see if I
could discern the root difficulty. It fumed out that she didn't
seem to have any psychological difficulties with sex. She
thoroughly loved sex and was very much in love with her husband
She had no bad attitudes that she was aware of, and she just
couldn't explain it.
Finally, after some fifteen minutes of discussion, it
occurred to me to ask her how long intercourse lasted. She
paused, thought for a moment and said, "I think about thirty
seconds"
She thought something was wrong with her because she
couldn't have an orgasm in thirty seconds! Few women can. For
most, it takes from five to ten minutes of clitoral stimulation
for a climax. About 12 percent require ten minutes or more. On
the other hand, 75 percent of men can climax in under two minutes
During the early years of marriage, most women are usually
tolerant and understanding about premature ejaculation. But after
a while, a wife's frustration level may begin to rise, and she
may begin to resent her husband, feel used, and make accusations,
either verbal or implied, about his failure as a man. Each sexual
encounter becomes more and more painful emotionally. He tries to
delay his climax.
His wife, on the other hand, has no confidence in his
chances for success in the matter and consequently is grabbing,
thrusting, and demanding in order to achieve satisfaction before
he ejaculates. The friction she causes on the penis and the
stimulation of an active and aggressive wife only triggers his
orgasm sooner. This may ultimately lead to impotence due to the
continual psychological few of failure. A cycle begins. He won't
approach her because he's afraid he'll be premature, and she
won't approach him because she doesn't want to be left
unsatisfied.
Actually, this s one of the simplest of all sexual problems
to resolve. In 97.5 percent of the cases (according to one
study), it can be totally eliminated in a matter of weeks?
Surprisingly few men are aware of how to achieve control;
most fail to realize the basic reasons for the lack.
Often, involvement in premarital sex is a major cause.
Premarital encounters we often in the back seat of a car, or in
the parents' home, where the emphasis is on getting it over
quickly without getting caught. The goal becomes male
satisfaction as soon as possible. The result is that in just a
few encounters the man learns a selfish approach to sex and sets
habit patterns that are reinforced for years in marriage.
A husband should be able to enjoy fifteen minutes of
continuous thrusting and be able to build to thirty minutes of
actual intravaginal containment (not continuous thrusting). This
doesn't necessarily have to characterize every lovemaking
session, but you should have this capacity if you and your wife
are going to experience all the sensations God intended a husband
and wife to enjoy in their love.
Premature ejaculation is defined as the husband's inability
to control ejaculation for a sufficient length of time during
intravaginal containment to satisfy his wife in at least 50
percent of their times of sexual intercourse.
In the following pages I'll outline the treatment procedure
developed by Masters and Johnson that has brought relief to
nearly 98 percent of the couples who have applied it.
STEP 1- Eliminate past myths.
There are two main myths that hinder solution.
First, it has been taught that because men reach orgasm more
quickly, the wife should refrain from direct stimulation of the
husband prior to intercourse. The contrary is usually true. A man
is more likely to reach orgasm prematurely when he goes
unstimulated through a long period of preparatory arousal for the
woman. Because he becomes so preoccupied with the time for
intercourse, anticipation builds to an unbearable degree.
Furthermore, through stimulation, the wife can bring him to a
sexual peak prior to orgasm that actually reduces the need to
climax immediately, Of course, for the wife to refrain from full
participation removes the sense of physical intimacy and mutual
experience. The whole experience is reduced to getting her ready,
entering her, and ejaculating immediately. There is little
opportunity for intimacy.
Secondly, the myth that the man is supposed to put his mind
on other things needs to be rejected. I've seen Christian books
in which the man is instructed to mentally recite Bible verses to
get his mind off the pleasure he is experiencing! Others counsel
him to worry about business problems. There are two basic
downfalls to this "solution." It doesn't work, and it spoils the
sense of enjoyment!
STEP 2 - Commit your situation to the Lord as a couple.
Ask one another's forgiveness for any hurts that may have
developed in your marriage because of this problem, then join
together in prayer asking the Lord to give you the wisdom and
unconditional acceptance necessary to implement these steps. If
you are unable to pray about it openly in front of each other,
you do not have the necessary acceptance and freedom level to
solve the problem. If you can't pray about it, there are some
things in your relationship that need t obe resolved before you
be able to work at this. Most sexual problems are either caused
by spiritual and relationship problems, or they are made more
complicated by these factors.
STEP 3 - Employ the "squeeze technique."
Agree on a session of sexual stimulation with no goal
orientation, There will be no intercourse and no "failure," just
mutual sharing of love. The wife should sit at the head of the
bed with her legs spread. The husband lies between her legs on
his back with his head pointing toward the foot of the bed. His
genitals are now dose to those of his wife. The wife lovingly and
gently caresses her husband's genitals, especially the head of
the penis or wherever her husband directs her, to encourage him
toward orgasm.
As soon as he approaches orgasm, he gives the signal and she
applies the "squeeze technique." She places her thumb on the
underside of the penis just where the shaft ends and the head
begins (the frenulum). She also places the first two fingers of
that same hand on the opposite side of the penis, then squeezes
her thumb and first two fingers together with very had pressure
for at least four seconds. She should squeeze as hard as she can.
(On an erect penis this will cause no pain) This pressure will
immediately make him lose his desire to ejaculate, and he will
lose some of his erection. After fifteen to thirty seconds, she
repeats the procedure, manipulating him to full erection again
and repeating the squeeze.
STEP 4 - Intercourse in the "woman above" position.
After learning some control, the husband lies on his back
and the wife uses the squeeze technique two or three times: she
then straddles him and, leaning forward about 45 degrees, very
gently and slowly inserts the penis in her vagina. She should
remain motionless--giving her husband a chance to achieve
control. If he feels he is going to ejaculate, she merely raises
her body and repeats the squeeze procedure, then gently reinserts
the penis. After a few sessions of practice in this position, the
husband is to thrust just enough to maintain his erection until
they can stay in this position for fifteen or twenty minutes
before ejaculation. The "male above" position is the most
difficult in which to maintain control.
STEP 5 - Intercourse in lateral coital position.
After control increases, the couple is encouraged to move
from this female superior position to the lateral coital position
(sideways). Lying on her right side, she leans forward to he
against his chest as she extends her right leg behind her. He
bends his left knee, keeping it under her leg and flat against
the bed. This position leaves both partners with the greatest
freedom and comfort as well as the best ejaculatory control. It
has been found that couples who have tried this position use it
(by choice) about 75 percent of the times they have intercourse.
STEP 6 - Repetition once a week for six months.
You should use the squeeze technique at least once a week
for the next six months and practice it for about twenty minutes
at some time during each of the wife's menstrual periods.
Complete ejaculatory control is usually attained in six to
twelve months. By this we mean the husband develops control to
the point where he can restrain ejaculation indefinitely.
While the couple is learning these steps, it may be
necessary for the husband to use manual stimulation or other
agreeable means to give his wife sexual fulfilment.
It must be noted here that there often is temporary
impotence after the premature ejaculation problem is solved,
primarily due to increased frequency of the sex act.
Researchers tell us the squeeze technique is never effective
if done by the husband on himself - the wife must be involved.
Even if you are not having problems with premature ejaculation,
but you don't have sufficient control to maintain continuous
thrusting for fifteen minutes, this technique can be used to
build your control up to as long as your wife desires. By making
sideways motions with his hips the husband can stimulate his
wife's clitoris without bringing any friction on the penis,
significantly lengthening the time of intravaginal containment.
The most common combination of problems brought up during
counselling in regard to sex is premature ejaculation coupled
with "frigidity." This inability to climax is the most common
sexual dysfunction of women.
It has many causes. Religious background and negative
religious attitudes about sex often are major factors. The most
common factor is partner dissatisfaction. For some reason she
does not respect, trust, or admire her husband. A lack of strong
mate leadership is often related to the problem. Some women
simply have no sense of feeling in their vaginal areas. This is
almost always of psychological origin.
There are those who believe an overemphasis on toilet
training can be the first step toward orgasmic dysfunction later
in life! The little girl may be rushed into toilet training
before she is ready, and a big trauma develops over having bowel
movements. The little girls begins to think of her genitals as
dirty because it was made into such a big deal.
Heavy petting before marriage is a major factor. The
"start-stop" pattern is developed. Then she gets married and
doesn't know how to keep going.
The double standard of our society which says it's wrong for
the female but right for the male often carries over into
marriage. A routine and unimaginative approach by the husband
often results in orgasmic dysfunction.
Most important, as mentioned earlier, are you a shepherd to
your wife? Does she feel secure and totally accepted? Is there an
intimacy of relationship? Are you a leader? Do you communicate
strength and tenderness?
In the following pages I will enumerate some steps toward a
solution. Let me carefully qualify before I begin. Orgasmic
dysfunction is an extremely complex issue and these steps may be
helpful to only a few of the wives reading this book. It is
impossible to put something this delicate and involved into a
series of steps. Every situation is different; every relationship
is special.
STEP 1- Become factually informed.
Frequently this problem, like so many, is due to lack of
knowledge of some very simple physical, psychological, or
emotional factors. The best way to become factually informed is
to read reliable books. Here are some suggestions.
"Understanding Human Sexual Inadequacy," Belliveau and Richter
(Bantam Books). This excellent title text is a summary of some of
the key findings of Masters and Johnson.
"Human Sexual Inadequacy" (Boston: Little, Brown, and Company,
1970). There are chapters devoted to solutions of all sexual
dysfunctions common in marriage: impotence, premature
ejaculation, orgasmic dysfunction, painful intercourse,
vaginismus, sex in the aging etc.
"The Freedom of Sexual Love," Joseph and Lois Bird (Image Books,
Doubleday & Company,1970). It is generally Biblically based and
is very frank and specific.
"Physical Unity in Marriage," Shirley Rice (Tabernacle Church of
Norfolk, 7120 Granby Street, Norfolk, Virginia 23505). This book,
a sequel to "The Christian Home, A Woman's View," is loaded with
practical biblical and medical counsel. The book grew out of a
series of lectures Mrs.Rice has given around the country.
"Sexual Happiness in Marriage," Herbert J. Miles (Zondervan,
1967).
STEP 2 - As a couple, commit your (plural "your") problem to the
Lord.
He is extremely concerned and grieved by the needless pain
and tension this has caused your marriage. He desires to help.
Open, frank prayer together about this issue will do much to open
up communication channels and bring the spiritual dimension to
bear on the situation. James says, "You do not have because you
do not ask God" (James 4:2).
STEP 3 - Re-establish communication.
There must be a total freedom of discussion between you on
sexual matters. "And the man and his wife were both naked and
were not ashamed" (Gen.2:25). There was no shame in Adam and
Eve's sexual relationship; there were no inhibitions.
If there are communication barriers developing in your
marriage over a problem; several things might help open them up.
Take the text of the Song of Solomon printed out in Appendix
2 of this book The husband should read the parts of Solomon, the
wife the parts of Shulamith and the chorus. As you read, stop and
comment on any items in the commentary that strike you as points
for discussion. Then move on to the next verse. Use the Word as
the basis for your discussion!
STEP 4 - Discern and overcome any negative feelings toward men.
Frigidity is like a log jam on a narrow stream, says
psychiatrist Robinson. When two or more logs jam up, all the rest
of the logs are blocked and cannot flow down the stream. A
gigantic jam stacks up behind the two logs. The emotional
problems, hurts, and communication barriers of frigidity are like
that jam. When two logs are pulled out, the whole jam begins to
flow down the river once again. The emotional jam we call
frigidity is often held in place by two basically negative
attitudes. The first is a negative attitude toward men, and the
second is a rejection of one's role as a woman.
How can a negative attitude toward men be overcome? Marie
Robinson suggests a simple answer, but it takes time. The
Scripture says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he" (Prov.
23:7). Paul tells the believers in Rome, "Do not conform any
longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind" (Rom.12:2). Begin by giving yourself some
time alone every day. It may be ten minutes, or it may be half an
hour, but do it regularly. During these private sessions, explore
your inner attitudes toward men. Strive to feel all your negative
emotions about your husband. You are advised to "only aim at this
point to let these negative feelings come to the surface, to seek
them out, experience them to the full." Do this by picking out
some small but repeated irritation or annoyance he causes you -
the more trifling, the better. Fix on it, then dare to allow your
emotions and thoughts about it to become dominant. Do not repress
them as you have trained yourself to do over the years.
It needs to be emphasized that it is quite possible you will
not have any negative thoughts about men at a conscious level.
One woman seemed to be annoyed only at her husband's sloppiness.
He left his clothes lying around the house and wouldn't put his
shaving cream away after using it in the morning. These were, as
far as she was concerned, mere trifles, and weren't worthy of her
emotional focus. She had suppressed them for years.
Under counselling, she was encouraged to explore this
"trifle" to see if there was anything there. As she allowed
herself to feel her irritation fully, she began to uncover a vast
log-jam of emotional resentment against men in general that she
had never been aware of at a conscious level. She interpreted her
husband's sloppiness as a symptom of his desire to treat her as a
slave and to confine her to demeaning labor. Her anger became
more explosive as she continued to reflect on the matter.
It quickly led to her underlying attitude about men in
general. All men ever do, she reasoned, is attempt to enslave
women and exploit them. All they ward from women is sex.
Furthermore, they are physically superior and therefore capable
of enforcing their demands.
Does your husband's behavior in public embarrass you? Has he
any annoying habit? Select some petty things, and allow yourself
to feel the full range of emotion that may lurk underneath. In
the beginning you are likely to find no very strong feelings or
passionate generalizations. But if you persist you will probably
find an area where your feelings are indeed intense and negative.
These emotions have remained hidden from your subconscious mind
for many years because of their emotional intensity.
Most frigid women believe their negative attitudes about men
actually represent reality. It is important to realize your
investigation is not going to prove your hidden fears to be
valid, but will prove them invalid. And the emotions are not
overwhelming therefore, there is no need to fear this emotional
exploration process. It is of utmost importance to recognize in
advance that whatever emotions turn up are feelings and not
reality.
What good does all this do? One of the major contributions
of modern psychiatry has been the establishment of the fact that
attitudes and feelings have the power to do lasting harms only
when they are hidden from one's awareness. As soon as these
negative feelings become fully conscious, they automatically lose
the major part of their power to do harm. Once irrational
feelings are externalized and can be looked at logically, the
drive toward normal psychological health takes over, and release
occurs. The next step is to commit them to the Lord and ask Him
to remove them from your life.
Furthermore, you must look in Scripture to see the true
picture of masculinity. Jesus was very aggressive; he was very
courageous; he was a very masculine man. These characteristics,
particularly aggressiveness, are not wrong. They do not represent
an attack on the female sex or an attempt by men to dominate.
They are part of God's design into male biology.
STEP 5 - Deal ruthlessly with any fantasies.
Some frigid women are dissatisfied with their roles as
women. They daydream about various jobs and vocations that are
more "valuable" than being wives and mothers. Often they spring
from a childhood desire to be an actor, artist, dancer, or
concert pianist. Sometimes they concern becoming a corporation
president, a doctor, or a lawyer - anything but a beloved wife.
These daydreams protect the daydreamer from an inferiority
complex. It doesn't matter that she is unable to love: someday
(perhaps next year) she will be an actress or a lawyer.
Dr.Robinson suggests the next step in overcoming orgasmic
dysfunction is to recognize this daydream for what it is. Let it
roll on and on. Dwell upon its glamor. Explore all the details of
the fantasy. It will soon become apparent that it is impossible.
The dream that has been hidden just below the threshold of
consciousness is now totally exposed and seen for what it
is--pure childishness. Once the objective factors take over, the
dream subsides.
And it must subside because it has become a psychological
defense mechanism preventing the frigid woman from surrendering
totally to her role as a woman. As long as a woman clings to
these impossible notions, the blockage in her emotions prevents
her from dealing realistically with life. She is not an actress
or a corporation president, and God probably doesn't intend that
for her. If she is married, God's will for her is to put her
husband and children first, and to find her identity and security
in total yieldedness to her husband. She must literally "believe
and let go" if she's going to experience orgasms.
STEP 6 - Strive for a biblical and positive view of men and the
male role.
The frigid woman tends to fear or resent male dominance and
aggressiveness. She views it as a threat or an attempt to exploit
her. "All he ever wants is sex," she may say. However, male
aggressiveness was built into men by the Creator. Before Eve was
created, Adam was given the command to name the animals. In the
Hebrew culture, to have authority to name was to have authority
over. Thus, Adam named Eve (Gen. 2:23), indicating his authority
over her.
Note this was before the Fall. Thus, God's original ideal is
that the man is in control, and the female is under his
authority, this is not an arrangement forced into the course of
human affairs because of sin, but is God's original intent. Thus,
when your husband takes initiative, when he is competitive, when
he is aggressive, he is simply fulfilling his biological destiny
built into him by the Creator. It is now a proven fact that
there are innate differences between the sexes. The Lord gave man
the male hormone, androgen, which is responsible for
aggressiveness. Men with a double chromosome tend to be
hypermasculine, very tall, aggressive, impulsive, and often
violent and delinquent from an early age.
Marie Robinson maintains frigid women must make a
re-evaluation of the male sex. These women often have little real
knowledge of what men are actually like. Men seem to be powers,
not people. By making a re-evaluation and seeing that male
aggressiveness is God-given, she can begin to understand her
husband as he is and achieve the ability to love him in all of
his uniqueness and individuality.
Because a woman's energies are mainly directed inward, in
preparation for motherhood and maintaining a home, she often
misunderstands her husband when he takes a neat home for granted.
He has invested a major portion of his pride elsewhere - in his
work. He is doing the business to which God has called him. His
sloppiness does not indicate his indifference to his wife;
however, the frigid woman will often interpret it that way. He is
rejecting her sphere as unimportant, she reasons.
The sex act itself most typically represents male
aggression. The thrusting of the penis becomes offensive to the
frigid woman. To a normal woman this is of course highly
desirable, but the frigid woman can personalize it as an act of
aggression by men against women.
She is antagonistic to aggression and does not understand
it. His strength and ability to master her environment makes her
feel drab. If men were out to enslave women, women could be
justified in fearing, hating, and envying man's central strength
and aggressiveness. But is he? Once a woman examines this central
point, her whole basic attitude can be changed.
Consider the burden upon the average male. In the name of
love, he sets his personal freedom aside and marries, thereby
taking on the responsibility to provide. He shoulders full
responsibility for his wife and children.
As a woman, think for a moment how you would feel if your
child were suddenly deprived of food, shelter, and clothing.
Generally, these thoughts are only casual passing thoughts to a
woman, but a man carries them daily. Every morning he realizes
his success or failure in business determines his family's
happiness and security. Women, unless they are very close to
their men, do not realize how seriously the average husband
takes this responsibility. The responsibility at times becomes
enormous. The competition in the market place today is
increasing. The economy is unstable. Every man knows if he
falters in his job, he can be easily replaced. Few women could
take the daily strain the average man assigns to himself when he
signs the marriage contract.
Consider your husband's aggressiveness in light of the
tremendous duties and responsibilities God has placed upon him.
He is responsible before God to rule and have dominion over the
planet. He is responsible to provide for his own: "If anyone does
not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate
family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever"
(1 Tim.5:8).
As you consider your husband's aggressiveness in this light,
you can see it is a necessary part of him if he is to fulfil
these responsibilities. Then you are able to feel admiration
instead of anger, resentment, or envy. Far from seeking to
enslave women through their strength, husbands use that strength
and aggressiveness for just the opposite reason-to protect and
care for their loved ones. He makes it safe for you to be
feminine, to bear children with a sense of security, and to raise
them. You know he is always watching over you, protecting you,
and is terribly anxious about your safety and happiness. By
looking at the end to which male aggression is directed when it
matures, can any woman honestly hold such resentment? The same
male aggression that initiates the sexual act is the aggression
that protects her, provides for her, and allows her to be a wife
and mother.
Frequently his male ego, his sloppiness, his irritableness,
his slackness are simply the outlets for a day "on the hunt." He
doesn't necessarily tell you of all his humiliations, defeats,
and things that upset him during the day because he doesn't want
to burden you with them. It you see him in this light, it will be
difficult to harbor any deep-seated resentments.
STEP 7 - Surrender to your role.
It should be clear by now that a central thesis of this book
is that there is an immediate connection between the Bible's role
relationship teachings and a woman's capacity to experience
orgasm in marriage. May I now suggest that an approximate synonym
for "frigidity" is "lack of submission"! Furthermore, an
approximate psychological synonym for "orgasm" is "Yieldedness."
It was encouraging to me to see a secular psychiatrist, Marie
Robinson, making the same observations.
There are two basic logs in the emotional log jam that
prevent normal orgasm in women. The first is a negative attitude
toward men, coupled with envy of their role and what it would be
like if wives could live out their fantasy roles. The second
major log jam is role reversal.
Once these two logs are removed, the whole river begins to
flow naturally and all of a woman's basic emotional and spiritual
drives will push her into normal orgasm. Of course, many women
who rebel at the idea of submission and are quite hostile to men
nevertheless do experience an orgasm of sorts. But it is a
surface physical release, not the full-throbbing, deep-seated
convulsion involving the total body, soul, and spirit that is the
biological and spiritual destiny of the totally yielded woman.
Furthermore, there are many outwardly submissive, feminine
women who either never experience orgasm or who experience a
surface orgasm on the level of mere physical release. However,
may I advise these women to seriously consider their inner
feelings toward men and to inquire into their understanding of
total submission and what it means practically.
In a word, the biblical definition of total submission is
"no resistance." Resistance is like logs in the emotional jam
that block the emotional flow of the river. Dr.Robinson explains;
"As the woman who has suffered from frigidity explodes her
groundless fears one by one and explores a new attitude toward
men, toward love, toward motherhood, feels a new esteem for her
husband - all these things happen, her lifelong restlessness
begins to depart. For the first time she realizes just how
restless she has been, how unsatisfied she feels, how
precariously balanced her life, inwardly and outwardly, has
always felt. Now something deep within her relaxes, lets down.
When this happens, she is beginning to experience the essential
attribute of all that is truly feminine, spiritual tranquility."
The Women's Liberation Movement will, perhaps more than
anything else, increase the very problem its leaders think they
will solve - this inner female restlessness and lack of a sense
of fulfilment. Betty Friedan calls it the "problem that has no
name." Since nearly 40 percent of American women do not regularly
experience orgasm, and since that experience is related to
biblical teachings on role relationship, the Women's Liberation
Movement falsely concludes that biblical role relationship was
the cause of the "restlessness." Just the contrary - it's the
failure to apply the role relationship teachings of the Bible
that has caused the "problem that has no name." It's the male
failure more than the female, but the Bible is not the problem;
it's the failure of human beings to apply its principles.
It's said that a few upper-class female intellectuals have
been given a platform to project their own personal problems onto
all American women. Most American women have no problems with the
notion of role relationship. In theory because they sense that
God built these concepts genetically into male and female
relationships. The application of the role relationship is
generally complicated by the failure of men to assume a
shepherd's role.
For a woman, full orgasm requires a total trust in her
partner. The full physical experience is so intense there is a
momentary loss of consciousness. She feels as though she s
hanging from the edge of that three-story building and is
instructed to "believe and let go." She can't do it unless she
trusts completely.
Do you as a husband provide that atmosphere of trust and
security by assuming responsibility for her, protecting her, and
demonstrating self-giving love? Sometimes men tend to be so
thoughtful and considerate of their "wife's problem" that their
lack of firmness is interpreted as passivity and a lack of
masculine strength which can cause her to lose respect and trust.
In sexual intercourse, as in life, man is the actor and the woman
is the one acted upon. To give oneself in this passive manner
involves total trust. Any vestige of hostility, or fear of ones
role, will clearly show in the sexual embrace.
You must be more than willing to submit to your husband in
general. There must be a genuine excitement about the act of
surrender pictured in sexual intercourse itself. There must be an
eagerness to surrender. Have you ever wondered why Paul taught
that sexual intercourse was intended by God as a portrait of
Christ and the church? He says of the one-flesh relationship
(sexual relationship), "This is a profound mystery--but I am
talking about Christ and the church" (Eph.5:32).
The church submits totally to Christ. Indeed, the individual
believer eagerly submits to Christ, and the result is what?
Peace, joy, emotional freedom and release, new love and all of
the fruits of the Spirit. Sex is to picture that same total
submission by the wife and total protection and love by the
husband.
In light of this discussion, let's consider 1 Pet.3:1-6.
"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that,
if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over
without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the
purity and reverence of your lives."
A common problem then, as well as now, is a believing woman
married to an unbelieving husband. Notice, Peter says he is to be
won to Christ "without talk" (without any preaching), but by
godly behavior. One aspect of the behavior is a "submissive"
attitude.
3:3 Your beauty should not come from (ONLY - as taught by
the rest of the Bible - Keith Hunt) outward adornment, such as
braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
3:4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the
missing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great
worth in God's sight.
The arrival of this gentle and quiet spirit results directly
from the fact that a woman really allows herself to trust her
husband (no resistance) in a very deep sense. This inner spirit
is exactly the opposite of Betty Friedan's "problem that has no
name" or the restlessness of American women. Feminine tranquility
of spirit is a very precious thing to God. The only other time He
uses the phrase "great worth" is in reference to the precious
blood of Christ.
The frigid woman can trust no man. Consequently, her
approach to life is very painful and difficult. She feels
responsible for everything. She certainly can't just let go and
trust her husband to take care of it! Details overwhelm her. She
has to fight her feelings and resentments about her role just to
get routine housework done.
The biggest obstacle to submitting totally is fear. Peter
notes this concern in verses 5 and 6.
3:5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put
their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were
submissive to their own husbands.
3:6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her
master. You are her daughter if you do what is right and do not
give way to fear.
Notice the last word, "and do not give way to fear." If some
of you men are wondering why your wives don't seem to support
you, but instead always compete with you, they may be afraid of
what will happen if they let go completely. That fear that no one
will take care of them, that no one will assume responsibility,
carries over into the marriage bed. It can be a major reason for
her inability to have orgasms. She is afraid to trust you
completely because she suspects you might do something similar to
what Abraham did to Sarah.
In his fear for his own life, he told his wife to sleep with
a foreign king (Genesis 20). Note, however, that Sarah obeyed
Abraham, and God intervened. God does not always intervene, and
if it had come to sleeping with that king, Sarah should have
disobeyed her husband. But she obeyed him and trusted God, and as
a result God protected her where her husband failed.
(Now that last sentence by Dillow is off the wall. The account
gives no indication that Sarah would have gone ahead and slept
with the king. God's commands come FIRST, above whatever a man
may say, you OBEY God. A husband has NO right to tell or allow
his wife to sleep with another man. God did in this case
intervene, but if He had not, Sarah would have refused the king's
desire, and would have then told the truth about Abraham being
her husband. If Sarah had gone ahead and slept with the king, she
would have sinned, and two sins do not make a right - Keith Hunt)
Here is the tremendous advantage the Christian woman has
over the non-Christian woman in overcoming the problems of
inability to achieve orgasm. The Christian woman can place her
trust in God, obey her husband, and find a sense of security (to
a degree) that would come from trusting one's husband. Hence she
can submit totally even when her husband is disobedient to the
Word, because her protection comes from God, and He will never
fail her. Sarah overcame the fear barrier by realizing her
ultimate trust was in God, wives today can do the same.
(BUT again, if Dillow is teaching, a wife can sin because she
follows his leadership and authority, then Dillow is off the wall
and from planet Pluto. NO ONE, in marriage or out of marriage,
has to SIN because a man has some authority per se. A man's
leading and authority in marriage COME TO A STOP, if he tells or
tries to command his wife to SIN! - Keith Hunt).
As an illustration of these principles at work in real life,
allow me to share Mary's story with you. Mary is a very
intelligent businesswoman. She was phenomenally well-organized
and efficient, and was able to run a business with her husband
and maintain a good home at the same time. In her marriage she
was always the leader. In fact, she and her husband had talked
the situation over, and both had agreed she was more competent
and should be the leader.
It was her goal in life to be the president of her own
corporation. She hated the word submission and was in constant
competition with her husband. She wanted to do the best, do the
most, and insisted on her own ideas. Surprisingly, for thirteen
years of marriage they had a very good relationship and genuinely
loved each other. Their communication was good and their love was
deep. However, in the sexual area, their marriage was in
jeopardy. She had never been able to have a climax. They were
relatively wealthy, and could afford extensive psychological
counselling. They flew to more than twenty states and had
numerous sessions with many doctors and counsellors. Nothing
seemed to work. Finally, she found Christ, and a new life began.
Shortly after her conversion, she attended a marriage
seminar for women my wife teaches around the country. There, for
the first time, she understood the beauty of role relationship as
portrayed in the Bible. All the false notions were removed, and
she was able to eagerly submit to her new role. Here is an
excerpt from one of her letters:
"It seems incredible to me that Jesus has given me so much in
life. . . then to dump all of this joy on me is overwhelming.
Since your seminar, He's made it so easy for me, maybe knowing
that I had the farthest to go, knowing that I had to change every
fiber, every attitude rd developed for thirty-three years. Only
He knows how I fought the word "submissive"! Only He knows how I
wanted to lead, be the best, do the most, be the perfectionist,
show my ideas! My giant ego. Now he's given me a new plan and a
new purpose for my life. My only daily goal now is to do whatever
pleases Bill. God's plan has taken away my competitiveness, my
aggressiveness, and given me the strength to become a whole new
person. My husband has become the most wonderful leader you could
ever imagine. Our home is so happy, so free of stress, free of
tension that everyone who visits can almost see the light that
Jesus has turned on in every room. Bill is no longer just part of
my life, he's my whole life. My career may have to go. . . if it
does, I know my Lord will replace it with something many times
more meaningful, of that, I have not one doubt."
(That's a whole lot OTHER BALL GAME than teaching a woman, wives,
have to sin because her husband is in authority - Keith Hunt)
When this family began to implement God's plan, new life
flowed. Mary, for the first time in her life, now experiences
orgasm regularly in less than three minutes! The turning point
was when she decided to surrender. In her case she actually made
a contract with God on the day she surrendered. Here is how she
worded it:
"I, today, Wednesday, November 20, vow to myself, not to suggest,
tell, nag, or criticize Bill on how to run his business. I will
bite my tongue, leave the premises or whatever necessary, not to
give my opinion. My knowing that my opinions are right will be
satisfaction enough - no one else need share how smart and
terrific I really am. I am now willing to accept his business
failure to enforce this rule!! I will read this each day before I
start my work. If I should fail to achieve this goal even twice,
I will quit my job, knowing it is a hindrance to my becoming 'The
Total Woman.'"
(I have no doubt that this is what SOME women may have to do, if
happiness in ALL their life is needed. Then on the other hand, a
man who does not have the sense to see that his wife has some
very good "brains" and that he needs to take her counsel or
opinion on matters, perhaps needs to go and see a "servant of the
Lord" who knows how to guide him in good logical sense - Keith
Hunt)
Mary discovered the secret of sexual surrender, and once the
emotional log jam was released, the ability to orgasm flowed
naturally as a part of her spiritual destiny.
STEP 8 - Overcome inhibitions.
Besides the psychological blocks mentioned in Step 7,
probably the second biggest emotional barrier to achieving orgasm
is inhibition. Most women come into marriage with a fair share of
inhibition, and a marriage license doesn't automatically take
that away. These inhibitions can block the freedom of total
emotional release.
Inhibitions not only plague the non-orgasmic woman, they
stifle the orgasmic woman as well. They are frequently the cause
of much tension and resentment on the part of the husband. Often
a wife desires to be otherwise, but hasn't the faintest idea how
to deal with the problem.
The first step in removing inhibitions is the renewal of the
mind. You must saturate your mind with God's viewpoint on sex. If
you have read this far, you have already begun that process. But
it's not enough just to read in order to have our minds
transformed. It needs to be saturated with Scripture. "Do not
conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Rom.12:2). Because the
world tends to flaunt the body and sex, it is natural for
Christians to associate inhibition with Christian modesty and the
"sacredness" of sex. Actually, based on the Song of Solomon and
the rest of the Bible, inhibition outside marriage reflects
Christian modesty but within marriage reflects the pattern of
this world. The world system cheapens and degrades sex, but
paradoxically, within marriage many women are still inhibited.
Because the world exploits the female body to the ultimate, some
Christian women desire to be the opposite of the world. The world
exposes the body, so they conceal it. They are not going to be
like the nasty women in the Playboy centerfold and reveal their
bodies to their husbands or do the things "those girls" do.
In order to saturate one's mind with Scripture, it must
first be memorized. May I suggest you consider memorizing
passages from the Song of Solomon or the rest of Scripture
relating to sex (1 Cor.7:1-5; Gen.2:21-25; Eph.5:28-33; and
especially Prov.5:15-20). Select passages from the Song that are
particularly meaningful to you. Many women have found Song 7:1-9
especially helpful in this regard.
Not long ago my wife counselled a woman who was having
severe problems with inhibitions. Every time they made love, the
emotional blocks almost paralyzed her from making any kind of
positive response. My wife gave her the above advice and told her
to memorize some meaningful Scripture from the Song and repeat
them to God in prayer all during the week. In the Song, Shulamith
reflects on her husband's body (Song 5:10-16). She reflects on
their lovemaking experiences (Song 7:1-9; 1:15-2:6; 4:1-5:1).
These passages might be a good place for you to start.
My wife told her she was going to call her in one week to have
her repeat over the phone all the verses she had memorized. A
week later she recited over twenty verses she had memorized and
meditated on during the week. When asked how it had helped, she
exclaimed, "It's like a miracle; meditating on God's Word has
completely released me." She said that while she was making love
with her husband the old blocks would sometimes come up. She
would immediately meditate on the relevant Scripture passages,
and the Word of God would erase the block!
Along with the meditation, it is important to decide in your
will that you will be what your particular husband needs
physically. We often tend to wait for our feelings. But in the
Christian life God wants us to live by our wills. He wants us to
make decisions, and then the feelings will follow. So now you
must do whatever you have had a block about. Don't wait for the
inhibitions to somehow just vanish away. Probably the longer you
wait, the more inhibited you'll become. It's not going to get any
easier.
One woman said that early in their marriage her husband
asked her to tell him in detail everything he could do to please
her physically, and everything she was going to do to pleasure
him.
The embarrassed bride said with a gulp, "In detail?"
And the husband replied, "Yes honey, in detail. I would really
like you to do that."
She had a choice to make. She could either say to her
husband, "That really embarrasses me; I just can't do that" Or
she could overcome her embarrassment and do what she knew God
wanted her to do - please her husband. The first time she was
embarrassed; the second time it got a little easier, and the
third time it wasn't very difficult at all.
(Huuuummmm, maybe it will work for some men and women, maybe a
woman can eventually do something like that, BUT frankly, some
may not be able, and SO the husband SHOULD NOT MAKE AN ISSUE over
it. He also better learn that he has to adapt to his wife - Keith
Hunt).
Give God time to work. It's a process. I've known women who
have been released from all inhibitions overnight, but that is
the exception rather than the rule. One woman confided that from
the time she really knew what God said in Scripture, it took her
nearly two years to completely overcome her inhibitions, but it
was a steadily upward climb.
STEP 9 - Exercise and develop the P.C. muscle.
A recent medical discovery has enabled millions of American
women to experience orgasm for the first time in their marriages.
It all began in the 1940s, when Dr.Kegel, a California
gynecologist, was treating female patients for stress
incontinence. This problem afflicts many women. It involves the
passing of urine accidentally when they laugh or sneeze and can
obviously be very embarrassing. Dr.Kegel speculated that the
muscle supporting the birth canal and the urinary passage could
be the key. Thus he developed a set of exercises for his patients
to try to develop and strengthen this muscle. The exercise proved
beneficial, and today these exercises, known as the Kegel
exercises, are standard technique in cases of stress
incontinence.
As his patients began to report their progress, many of them
announced something completely unexpected - they were
experiencing orgasms for the first time. Kegel was sceptical at
first that there could be any connection with the exercises, but
the repeated coincidence of improvement in stress incontinence
with orgasmic function led him to believe there was something to
it.
It is now an established fact that poor muscle tone in this
P.C. muscle (puboooccygeus muscle) is a factor in the orgasmic
dysfunction of millions of women. If used to be thought the
problem was entirely of psychological origin, and in most cases
it is. In some, however, it's simply a matter of poor muscle
tone. Nearly 40 percent of American women register a lack of P.C.
muscle control.
Control can easily be learned. In fact, knowledge of this
muscle is common in other cultures and is frequently a part of
marriage preparation. In one African tribe, for instance, no girl
may marry until she is able to exert strong pressure with the
vaginal muscles."
If these exercises are faithfully applied, control can be
developed in six to eight weeks. The muscle can be fully
developed in about eight months, after which it can exert
pressure on the penis like that of a clenched fist. It is then
even possible for a woman to bring her husband to an orgasm while
in the female above position by doing nothing but contracting
this muscle - with no other movement. Thus, when you as a wife
develop this muscle for your own benefit, it is also a definite
factor in giving increased pleasure to your husband.
(Yes, it is very true, this is the muscles in the vagina area of
the female body - Keith Hunt)
How then can the P.C. muscle be developed? The best way to
team the feeling of the contraction is to remember that this is
the muscle that holds back the flow of urine. However, there are
other muscles besides the P.C, which also help control urine
flow. In order to keep these other muscles out of the exercise,
urine flow must be controlled with the knees widely separated.
Once the flow has begun, make an effort to stop it. After a few
trials, most women can recognize the sensation and can repeat the
contractions anytime, anywhere. There is very little physical
effort involved. Once the contraction is properly learned, it is
no more difficult than blinking the eye.
You should begin every morning with five or ten contractions
before arising. Work up to six contractions in a row, made at ten
intervals a day. This totals sixty contractions. Each contraction
should be held for about two seconds at this stage. Thus, sixty
contractions involve a total of about two minutes a day.
Gradually the number of sessions should increase. Twenty
contractions per session bring the total to 120 (four minutes a
day). If this is done while urinating three times, as well as
once before arising, once at some other time, and once after
retiring, the total of 120 is reached. In six weeks you should
work up to 300 contractions a day with fifty contractions at each
of six intervals. Now, only hold the contractions for one second
each instead of two. Thus, we are talking about a total of 300
seconds a day or a mere five minutes!
You should be able to note some sexual changes within three
weeks. Full development can be achieved in six to eight weeks. If
this exercise is kept up for nine months, gradually increasing to
about 600 contractions a day (about 10 minutes), the vagina can
be developed to give unusual pleasurable sensations to your
husband during intercourse
(Dillow has got to be joking - 600 contractions a day! Most women
ain't got that much time. You should be able to develop that
muscle in WAY less time, just got to learn the pressure push
needed in that part of the body - Keith Hunt)
The value of this exercise is not only physical but
psychological. It is helpful for a wife to fantasize about
gripping her husband's penis while attempting the exercise. This
cannot help but focus your mind on sexual thoughts and will
likely increase your desire. Thus, this exercise becomes an
excellent way of bringing your level of sexual desire up to your
husband's. Furthermore, it can give a woman a sense of an
"active" part in sexual intercourse. The P muscle offers a
concept of the vagina, not merely as a receiver of action, but as
an actor.
It is very importamt hat a woman struggling with frigidity
have an active attitude toward achieving orgasm, She must eagerly
reach out and strive for the orgasm. She can't just wait to see
if it will happen. It is not selfish to reach out for this
pleasure, and it is not wrong to think sexual thoughts about your
husband during the day. Shulamith did (Song 5:10-16).
For a full explanation of the P.C. muscle and its place in
sexual function, may I suggest you purchase "The Key to Feminine
Response in Marriage" by Ronald M. Deutsch (New York: Random
House, 1968).
STEP 10 - Develop tactile sensation without any intention of
moving to orgasm.
Some frigid women have absolutely no physical sensation in
the vaginal area at all. They are not even conscious of sexually
pleasurable feelings. This situation is mainly of psychological
origin, but along with the psychological steps (Steps 1-8), these
last four steps of a physical nature can be helpful. However, do
not try to implement these physical procedures without first
dealing as thoroughly as possible with the spiritual and
psychological issues. Those are the foundation, and we are now
discussing the superstructure.
As a woman learns to yield, genital sensations will
gradually increase. It is helpful, however, for her to learn to
feel sexually with external physical techniques also. This can be
done in several ways. Have your husband give you a body massage.
Make it long and loving. The purpose is simply to help you become
aware of sensual feelings. Love can be communicated by touch.
It Is very important that both partners have a mutual
agreement that the purpose of the session is not to bring the
wife to an orgasm. If she feels she is supposed to climax as a
result, the goal orientation will set in and may block her
response, The goal at this stage is not to climax but simply to
learn awareness of tactile feelings all over the body. Your wife
might like you to draw fur or silk scarves across her body and
breasts. Again the goal is simply a relaxed enjoyment of one
another's presence, loving conversation, and learning to feel
tactile sensations not necessarily of a sexual nature. Obviously,
it will be necessary for the wife to bring her husband to a
climax toward the end of the session either manually or through
intercourse. But her orgasm is not to be considered part of the
session unless for some reason she wants to.
STEP 11 - Practice structured genital sensation.
Once tactile awareness is being built (perhaps after five or
six sessions), Masters and Johnson suggest that structured
genital stimulation begin. Once again, the goal is not orgasm,
but learning to feel sexuality. In Step 10, the genitals should
be avoided. In this step they should be concentrated on. There
must be no demand on the husband's part for his wife to achieve
orgasm.
The husband sits leaning against pillows at the head of the
bed with the woman seated between his legs, her back against his
chest and her head resting on one of his shoulders. This position
is conducive to a sense of security and trust as the husband's
arms are felt around her. She separates her legs and extends them
across her husband's legs. The husband now has full access to any
part of her body. The wife should then place her hand lightly
over her husband's so she can signal him to touch more lightly,
heavily, or in a different place. Thus, she can communicate her
wishes in a physical way without having to talk.
Clitoral stimulation should be along the side of the
clitoral shaft rather than on the glans (head). Touching the
glans (tip) of the clitoris too soon can reduce her sexual
tension immediately or may actually cause pain. Start with light
stroking motions on the breasts, belly and thighs, then to the
genital area as the wife directs.
The effectiveness of this session is not in any way related
to whether or not she achieves an orgasm, because once again,
that is not the session's purpose. The purpose of this exercise
is to give the woman a chance to focus on her own sexual
feelings, to discover what her preferences are, and to
communicate this information to her husband. When the wife
knows that nothing is demanded of her, that she has complete
freedom to express herself, and that she will soon have another
chance for sexual activity, there is a build-up of sexual feeling
that eventually will result in a climax. The response is
impossible to will or to force.
STEP 12 - Intercourse in the female above position.
After three or four sessions of Step 10, shift to several
sessions of actual intercourse in the woman astride position.
Begin penetration very slowly; the wife must control it
completely. She should hold herself still so she can savor the
feelings of penetration without any demand to climax. Shortly
after entry, she should begin to contract the P.C. muscle as this
will help focus her sensations. As her sexual tension elevates
and she wants more stimulation, she can move slowly back and
forth on the penis for a brief time. Only after three or four
sessions of this, or when sexually demanding feelings begin to
develop in the vagina, should the man begin any pelvic thrusting.
He should then thrust slowly and in a non-demanding manner,
letting her determine the pace she prefers.
Obviously, this whole procedure will require the husbands
total cooperation. He must demonstrate enormous amounts of
self-giving love (as Christ loved the church) and sympathy, and
live with his wife in a truly "understanding way" (1 Pet.3:7). It
will be necessary for the wife to satisfy her husband during each
session, but her orgasm is not to be the objective until it just
happens as the culmination of all the steps.
...................
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
