THE ART OF DATING -- #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #5b, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10 END

The Art of Dating #1

Lots of Changes have come!

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING From some old "Good News" magazines, published by the Worldwide Church of God, before they moved into theological apostasy. The series started in January 1987 - (Keith Hunt). Unmarried people in every age group face a bewildering array of choices in personal relationships. Yet few possess right knowledge about dating. Beginning this issue a major series of Good News articles will examine this subject. By Greg R. Albrecht Family life in the Western world is crumbling. Broken marriages, mate and child abuse, juvenile delinquency, sexually transmissible diseases, frustration and loneliness affect millions! Yet the very foundation of any stable civilization is a solid family structure. Today's civilization, with its foundation disintegrating, is on the way out! Why this crisis in family life? Nothing in this world is more important than a happy home life, with father, mother and well-taught, happy children - a close-knit family. The human family was designed by God to picture God's own spiritual Family. We are made in God's image (Genesis 1:26). But Satan the Devil, the god of this world (2 Corinthians 4:4); hates God's plan and purpose. He does everything possible to thwart and pervert what God intends. Thus, in this end time, the family is under attack from every side. The institution of marriage itself is no longer cherished as the basis of family life. Where does that leave dating, which, in its proper context, is a basic key to success in marriage? Most people today do not date for the right reasons. They have no idea what dating is supposed to accomplish. What do you expect from dating? Why do people date? What is "date"? Whether you are a teenager, a younger single, person re-entering the dating scene after previous marriage or the parent of a young person who need to be taught the right way, it's time you asked yourself questions like this! Dating should be a fresh, exciting, constructive activity that is mentally stimulating and physical upbuilding. It should lead to positive personality development. It should be, at the right time and the right way, the basis leading to a strong, happy marriage. And dating should be plain fun - the kind of fun that is fun not only today but tomorrow too. That kind of dating is what this series of articles in The Good News will be about. Traditional values discarded Dating, traditionally a part of the courtship process, has undergone great changes in the past few decades. New generations of young people have redefined the concept and practice of dating. These new directions in dating have produced a bewildering world of personal choices for the unmarried. When should young people start dating. What about "going steady"? Is there anything wrong with sexual experience before marriage? What about dating a member of another race? What about age differences? Religious differences? What if parents don't approve? How does one go about choosing a good future wife or husband? Today traditional values are discarded in favor of "modern," more permissive ideals of behavior. But look at the results! Today's world is filled with widely differing alternatives, opposing forces and values. The teenager as well as the older unmarried single deal with a confusing blur of concepts, ideas and sexual choices. One young adult put it this way: "You know the blender in the kitchen that we use to make juices, soups and mixed drinks? It's like all the beliefs I've heard about at home, in school and at church have been dumped in and blended together. I don't know what I believe." Listen to a senior editor for a major magazine: "Conditions are changing so fast that the established moral guidelines have been yanked from our hands. No single authority rules our conduct. No church lays down the moral law for all... We are heading into danger. We are in the midst of a moral crisis - because the majority... no longer can be certain what is right and what is wrong." Coming - a time of reeducation The Bible prophesies that the Second Coming of Jesus Christ to the earth will usher in a time of renewal and restoration (Acts 3:20-21). What will be restored to the earth is the perfect government of God! At that time Satan will be dethroned and God's law will begin to be enforced around the world. The Worldwide Church of God is actively involved in preparing for this "restoration of all things." We are commissioned to warn this world about where its evil ways are leading us, and to announce the good news of the coming Kingdom of God (Matthew 24:14). This world has no greater need than right knowledge about family relationships - about dating, courtship and marriage (Malachi 4:5-6). Right dating is a rare art that must be recaptured. Dramatic changes Let's survey several dramatic changes in dating and courtship that have come in this 20th century. Until this time, limited mobility allowed greater parental involvement and family interaction. Most courtship took place within the home and family. Modern transportation, namely automobiles, changed all that. Cars not only increased mobility, but removed dating from the home and parental involvement. Cars, sad to say, became bedrooms on wheels, with obvious impact on dating and courtship. Thus, in one generation, technology supplied people with the ability to act out the revolution in morality that had been espoused by European scholars and philosophers during the 18th and 19th centuries. Young people developed a high degree of independence from parents, casting off traditional restraints. Of course, other factors besides modern transportation contributed. This 20th-century approach toward dating was made possible by a drastic change in the approach to God and His inspired Word. While new technology - actually, the misuse of it- opened the floodgates, the free-thinking professors and scholars of permissiveness continued their assault on traditional values. The assault on morality Fundamental beliefs had been the target of liberal scholars and philosophers for centuries. The offensive against belief in God and God's authority was spearheaded by Charles Darwin and his followers, who popularized the myth of evolution. European "theologians" quickly followed this onslaught by loosening yet an other brick in the wall of traditional values. Building on the works of recent and contemporary philosophers, these men applied the scientific method of rationalism, and then positivism, to the Bible. Previously accepted as the inspired word of God, the Bible was subjected to critical analysis based on the assumption that it was nothing more than the writing of men. Eventually the Bible was "debunked" and "de-mythologized" by the method of higher criticism. All statements that could not be proved by physical science were rejected. Healings, miracles, angels, demons and all supernatural events were discarded. But the apostle Paul long ago predicted that this very rejection of God and God's authority would occur! Notice Romans 1:22, 28: "Professing to be wise, they became fools ... and even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting." These great "thinkers" rejected the fact that humans are made in the very image of God (Genesis 1:26) for the purpose of qualifying to enter the God Family. They reduced man, in their false teachings, to the level of the unthinking beasts, acting on nothing more than brute instinct, having nothing other than this physical life to look forward to, with no authority over them other than their own drives and desires. Thus was the groundwork laid for the anything goes, how-dare-you-judge-me, late 20th century in which we live! The 20th-century slide The 20th-century revolution in dating and courtship began with increased mobility, independence and greatly curtailed parental involvement. This movement was supported by attacks on the existence of God and the validity of the Bible. The result of the attack against these two fundamental beliefs was an erosion of authority. The end of World War I provided a further impetus for the rising mood of permissiveness. New voices began to speak of right and wrong in the area of marriage and the family. Traditionally, religion teamed with the home as authorities on dating and marriage. But after World War I, psychology and sociology provided a respectable, scientific vehicle through which the new voices could publish and teach their ideals. Millions believed and followed the teachings of Sigmund Freud, Margaret Mead and Alfred Charles Kinsey. These and other authorities continued the quest to replace God and His inspired Word as the authority in human conduct and in relationships between the sexes. The eternal laws and principles of the Bible began to be replaced by studies and surveys that revealed what the practices of a "normal" individual were. Those who followed "arbitrary" standards of church and family were compared unfavorably to those who pioneered in changing public opinion and promoting public acceptance of the "new" morality. Marriage was proclaimed obsolete. Trial marriages; open marriages and progressive and permissive monogamy were all advanced as acceptable alternatives. Dating as an institution designed to lead to lifelong marriage was obviously irrelevant if marriage itself was obsolete. Thus dating began to be spoken of by the new "authorities" as primarily a socialization process between the two sexes. Dating came to consist of nothing more than "having a good time" - spending time together - rather than a broadening, constructive, educational, recreational, enjoyable activity designed to improve the whole person. What people do on dates, and how they do it - where they go, and with whom, and why they go there - all became secondary considerations to the mere expediency of "being together." The rise of feminism With the advent of the 1960s and 1970s, dating as socialization was redefined again by the feminist movement. Building upon earlier concepts that had promised freedom from marriage ("marriage is slavery," went one popular concept), feminism promised a new agenda. According to this agenda, women were seen both as victims and as self-styled saviors from their own victimization. Traditional male and female role needed redefining. Women no longer would accept the leadership of men. Women were seen to need "liberation" and "equality," which, translated in the minds of many, meant that women instead of men would now hold the power (Isaiah 3:12). It is this dilemma over male and female roles that affects dating and courtship. Both men and women are tentative. Homosexuality is celebrated. "Straight" men and women wonder how to act and react toward members of the opposite sex. Men have become more passive and women more aggressive. And yet, in the midst of all this "enlightenment" the "war between the sexes" seems to be escalating. Men have been the most obvious casualties of this war. Single women plead, "Where are the men?" Now - this generation This world needs to be totally reeducated regarding the purposes of dating. Decades of wrong teaching have sabotaged our approach to this vital prelude to happy marriage. Happy marriages don't just happen. They are prepared for and planned for like other major decisions such as career choice. Ironically, young people are often given a great deal of education preparation to help them toward the world of work but little or no training in how to choose a mate. Millions change marriages as quickly as others change careers. Millions find that they were ill-prepared for marriage. Millions find that they made their choice of a mate primarily on the basis of fantasy or emotional impulse, or because they were forced to by premarital pregnancy. When man abandoned God and His inspired Word, this world lost its spiritual focus. God's laws leads to happiness and fulfilment. They provide a guide to help us chart the course through the troubled and confused times in which we live. The Good News proclaims a return to biblical values in every area of life, and in coming issues will look more closely at what the Bible specifically says about dating and courtship. We will cover the instruction on dating, male and female roles, problem of infatuation, singles and mate selecting. The good news is that dating and courtship will undergo a dramatic change at the return of Jesus Christ, But you can start now to practice the biblical values concerning dating. (To be continued) The Art of Dating #2 The Forgotten Foundation WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING The Forgotten Foundation Millions have overlooked the most basic fact concerning male female relationships! Our series continues with a revealing look at why men and women were created in the first place. By Larry R. Salyer Let's face it: Everybody wants to be happy. Nobody wants to be lonely. Ask the average single person what would make him or her happy and you'll probably hear something like this: "I just want to be loved. I want to build a relationship with someone with whom I can share my life - someone who understands me." A few will profess contentment with being unattached and independent. Still others will loudly proclaim they have all they ever wanted - a new sports car and a nice place to live. How about you? What makes you tick? What do you really know about yourself? Do you know what it would take to make you happy - to make your life exciting, satisfying and full of joy? Happiness in relationships True happiness is not produced by material things. It is bound up in the relationships we have with, first, God, and then with other people. Jesus Himself summarized God's entire perfect and holy law in Matthew 22:37-40: "Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord you God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love you neighbor as yourself. On these two commandment hang all the Law and the Prophets.'" The nature of the human mind is such that it demands a relationship with other human minds. Dog may be "man's best friend," but a person will be quite lonely if he or she goes through life sharing thoughts, conversation, hopes and dreams only with an animal. The human mind is simply on a different plane. But most people - the most brilliant scientific minds included - simply over look or ignore this fact! Look at your life. Undoubtedly your greatest joys have come from positive, successful experiences with other humans - perhaps a parent, a brother or sister or your all-time best friend. But conversely, you can probably reflect back on your deepest disappointment or moment of sadness and find that it also involved a relationship with another person. Perhaps it was a broken friendship, or the abrupt end of a budding romance. Maybe it resulted from being called names at school, losing an athletic contest or the embarrassment of showing up at a party in the wrong kind of clothing. The common denominator in all of these instances is that we're all deeply concerned about what other people think of us, as well as what we think of ourselves. That's simply the way the human mind works. Nowhere is this more evident than in our relationships with people of the opposite sex. Somehow it seems so difficult to know what is expected of us, to understand just what's going on in the other person's head. And lack of real understanding of relationships - the result of rejecting the revelation of Almighty God - has left most of mankind to human reasoning and experimentation, which in turn have led to deeper misery! Rather than humbly look to God and His Word, the basic source of all true knowledge, which would require repentance and obedience, many have taken the position that nothing is going to work out anyway. After all, we live daily with the threat of nuclear war. Why not live today as if there will be no tomorrow? This philosophy leads to reckless abandon and thrill-seeking in a sort of perverted attempt to make the best of a bad situation. It can leave scars on the mind and body that may never heal! And it often wastes the best years available to prepare for a happy marriage and a stable future. What a tragedy! This world is blinded Satan the devil has cleverly blinded humans to our wonderful potential to become members of the God Family. He doesn't want us to enjoy the kind of personal, family love that would open our eyes to God's marvellous plan. And so Satan has deliberately led people away from truth and into philosophies that lead to destruction. Among these is the idea that marriage is not necessary for sex, and that the gratification of sexual lust is something we owe ourselves. So we have developed sayings,like "Do your own thing" and "Whatever turns you on." Such a philosophy leads to the rejection of moral absolutes and leaves each person as a law unto himself. But notice what happens when man makes his own judgments on morality: "For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due" (Romans 1:26-27). These words are even more timely in this society today than when they were written. Is there a way out? Are there any dependable, workable principles that govern our human relationships? Can we know what leads to successful courtship and marriage? Laws in motion Yes, there is a way to success. But if you will find it, you must be willing to swim upstream. You must have the courage to break out of the accepted routines of singles around you. You must dare to be different! Most of mankind is ignorant of the living laws that govern human conduct and relationships. Regular readers of "The Good News" know that this magazine carries a message of hope founded on the truth of God as revealed in His Word. Answers to all of man's seemingly insolvable problems are contained in the Bible, but most people have refused to look for those answers. And so people flounder in an ever more confusing array of humanly devised ideas and philosophies, which offer no solutions. Yes, human authorities justify their approval of wrong marriage and sex practices by calling them "alternate life-styles." But what does God say? Let's look into the Word of God and find out. The purpose of marriage "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). This simple statement of fact is the cornerstone of a understanding male-female relationships. Yet few indeed even accept it as truth. Notice that all of mankind was created in God's image. Not just the male. Not just the female. But "male and female He created them." So man and woman together reflected the image of God. God actually made them to complement each other perfectly. This is most obvious in the sexual union and in the means of reproduction. But the sexual compatibility of the bodies is only one example of the many characteristics of male and female that are designed to complement the opposite sex. When combined in marriage, they create the perfectly balanced whole. Reading further in the Genesis account, we find: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24, King James Bible). They become one flesh in the sexual relationship, but again, this is a picture of the complete and total union of the two beings in body, mind, emotion and spirit. Mankind was made in God's image. This statement is the cornerstone of male-female relationships. Yet few accept it as truth. When a man and a woman commit themselves to each other in marriage, they commit themselves to the mutual sharing of all of life's experiences. They become one. The word cleave in this verse means to "stick to" or "be welded to." Two other scriptures should make it plain. In Amos 3:3 we read, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" And Proverbs 18:24 says, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Clearly, God intended that a man and a woman leave their parents and marry. Their new relationship is to supersede even the attachment to their blood relatives. And God provided that through the most intimate expression of love for one another, in the sexual union, husband and wife could produce a child with the blood of both in its veins. Millions robbed of joy Today's ideas about group marriage, communal living, homosexual "marriage" and surrogate parenting cloud the meaning and purpose of the God-ordained male and female roles and rob untold millions of the profound joy of a godly marriage. Such "modern" ideas actually go back to Sodom and Gomorrah and are soundly condemned in both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible (Leviticus 18:22, 1 Corinthians 6:9, Romans 1:26-27). By contrast, we are given in Ephesians 5:22-33 a beautiful picture of a marriage built on commitment, of love between a man and a woman that elicits total participation by both parties. This is the kind of human relationship that overwhelms loneliness! It is a giving and sharing of the self with another of like mind that reflects the attitude of Christ and the Church. Such a marriage relationship can result only when it is built on a right foundation. And that foundation starts with personal understanding of the purpose for the creation of man and woman. But those who will not read and accept the truth, as revealed in God's inspired Word, cannot understand! Look at your beliefs What can you do? You can begin by taking an honest look at your own concepts of love and marriage. You are a product of what you have been taught by the society around you. Your beliefs and moral values may have no basis in fact. They may be contrary to the living laws your Creator set in motion. If so, you need to consider the long-term results you may be headed for, and choose between the reasonings of human minds and the absolute truth of God. In coming articles we will study the male and female roles, the singles scene, courtship and romance and the meaning of real love. Happiness is elusive in today's world. But you can be truly happy - filled with the real joy that comes from a deep and satisfying relationship. Let the Creator of love and marriage show you the way! ................. The Art of Dating #3 Getting to know YOURSELF WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING Getting to Know YOU Before you can be ready to find that wonderful person who's right for you, you've got to know yourself. by Sheila Graham "You can live on love." "Most marriage problems could be solved in the bedroom." "Children hold a marriage together." Divorce statistics should have long ago dispelled these and many other common misconceptions about marriage. But in spite of the marital disintegration around us, marriage is still one of our most popular institutions. (In the last 20 years since this article was written, marriage is much less popular - the popular is more and more "co-habiting together" - "common law" as it is known in some countries - Keith Hunt) Is there a way to choose the right mate? How can we tell if the person we are dating might be the one we would want to live with for the rest of our lives? Can a long-lasting and happy marital relationship be foreseen some way in advance, and a bad one avoided? Of course, you and I both realize not everyone is too concerned about whether his or her marriage is long lasting. Some are repeating their wedding vows with their fingers crossed. For those wanting more out of life than a succession of disasters, however, who see the value of the stabilizing influence of a long-lasting marriage, both on their emotions and their pocketbooks, let's go back to our original question: Is there a way to tell in advance who we should marry? Dating practices change Dating practices reflect the society and what part of the world we live in. But in Western society, your grandparents may have "courted" on the front-porch swing under the watchful eyes of Dad and Mom. Many of your fathers had to go to their girlfriend's home to meet her parents before taking her to a dance or to the movies. And whether to kiss on the first date was a sizzling topic of conversation. Today's singles are just as concerned, but about when to go to bed together for the first time. Times have certainly changed. All sense of what the real purpose of dating should be has been lost, or not understood in the first place. Dating has become a competition between male and female to see how much each can get from the other, perhaps trading flattery and attention for sexual pleasure. This selfish way of thinking is no way for two people to determine if each other would be the right lifelong mate. Divorce statistics prove it. Today's habit of living together without the sanction of marriage is not a good way to get to know the other person either. A relationship without a lasting commitment is playacting to the highest degree. These short-term relationships lead people to a false con- cept of what real love is all about. Once the passionate edge is off the sexual side of the relationship, they believe that their love is dying and start looking for someone else to "love." True love is much more than sex. Sex is important, but a lot more is involved in long-lasting love. That's why the right kind of dating, uncomplicated by a premature sexual relationship, is so important to a happy marriage. Proper dating gives both male and female the opportunity to see the other react under various circumstances, to find out what their hopes and dreams are, how they feel about certain subjects. Choosing the right mate is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Emotions are certainly an important factor, but if you allow your emotions to overrule reality in this decision, your fantasy world of the "perfect" marriage can come crashing down around you. Dating should allow you to get the information you need to make this decision. Right dating eventually leads to a right marriage. Getting to know you But before you are ready to find that wonderful person, the one so right for you, you've got to know yourself. Do you really know who you are, what is most important to you in life, what you want from the marriage relationship? No amount of dating toward marriage will be successful until you know you. Until you do, there's no way you can evaluate whether you could make another person happy in marriage or he or she could make you happy. Let's get to know you. You may think you are one of the most laid-back, flexible, easygoing people in the world, but even if you are, you are unlikely to change certain of your beliefs, no matter what. One of those significant issues is children. How do you feel about having children? How many do you want to have? When do you want to have them? If you feel strongly about a large family - or no family - realize this belief is a key consideration in the happiness of any marriage. How you feel about children is especially important to those of you considering a marriage to one who already has children. These children, as much as you might grow to care for them, have another parent who can make himself or herself a constant reminder that you are not the only one in your mate and children's lives. All are not as tactful and considerate of others' feelings as they should be. Only the most mature and unselfish adult should consider a second marriage that involves children. There are extra challenges to be confronted in a second marriage, of course, even when both mates have children or when no children are involved. It's not impossible to have a successful marriage the second time around, but be sure you are ready to make the special sacrifices involved. Personal opinions count How do you feel about religion? Is your religion important to you? Would you want your children reared in your religion? Religion can be one of the most unifying factors in a marriage, and it can also be one of the most divisive. Perhaps for some of you religion has not been much of an influence in your life up to this point, but if certain religious principles have guided you from childhood, you will usually feel strongly that similar guidelines should mould and shape your children's lives. As you get older, your opinions solidify. Don't kid yourself that you can take religion or leave it. Also don't kid yourself that your mate will automatically see things your way. He or she, too, will most likely have strong feelings about religion in his or her own and your future children's lives. How about your political views? Are you a conservative or a liberal? Some mates feel so strongly opposed to their spouse's political leanings that they have been known to go to the polling places just to cancel out their mate's vote. Whatever you may feel about politics today, just as with religion, your viewpoint is likely to become more important to you as time goes along. What about your career? Does your job take up most of your waking hours? Would you be willing to give it up? If you had to make a choice, would your mate and family come first, or your career'? Is your job a means to an end, or the end itself? Are you a morning person or do you not really come alive until others are yawning and contemplating going to bed? Are you ready for a lifetime of pressure by your mate to conform to his or her totally opposite biological sense of time? Are you an organized person, almost obsessed with neatness and order, or are you a slob? No one should be a total slob, but think how frustrating two such differing personalities could be to one another. Where do you like to live - in the city or in the country? Do you prefer warmer climates or colder ones? Could you adjust to living just anywhere? Some have had to. How about food? Is food important to you? I mean really important to you? Do you envision three home-cooked meals a day, frequently accompanied by fresh, hot breads and pastries? If food is that important, you may be shocked to discover that not all people share your opinion. How about your cultural background? How well do you really know your father and mother? Maybe now is the time to get to know them better. After all, they had a lot to do with shaping the opinions you have today. Your parents, your grandparents and your other close relatives are a real part of you. In times past, relatives, especially parents, were a lot more involved in the choice of mates. It's wise to consider their opinions. Getting to know them helps you to get to know you. Many of you have tried practically everything - and nothing has worked. Perhaps you have gone through several "significant" relationships and maybe even failed at marriage already. You know that something is wrong somewhere in the system. What's wrong with the system? Something is wrong. Sound moral principles have been left out of the modern dating scene. Why? Because human nature is selfish and wants to get all it can and not give any more than necessary. God's way of give means that you must first look at yourself, examine yourself, know yourself, prepare yourself, before you begin to seriously consider marriage. Are you mature enough, unselfish enough to give your time, your money, your life to another? In other words, are you really ready for marriage? Marriage is not for children, and the sexual revolution has made many of us children mentally and emotionally. When singles worry that their virginity may be a sign they are sexual misfits, and the married wonder if their faithfulness to their mate shows they are somehow lacking in normal virility, something is intrinsically wrong. Nobody wants to go back to the overly prudish Victorian age, but the sexual act itself and how skilfully it is performed has now become more important than the people involved. Those who thought they were freed are becoming prisoners - actual victims of the sexual revolution. What a travesty! Get the right perspective Look at dating in the proper perspective. Get to know yourself and then use dating as an enjoyable way to get to know the person you are dating. Keep dating casual and fun. Don't be pressured by this society and its media to complicate the relationship with sex. It's your life. You have a choice. Make the right one. Go back over this article and candidly answer the questions listed. Write down your answers. Think of more questions that will show you what is really important to you and answer them. Read your answers over again. This is what you believe. This who you are. Talk to your parents and other relatives. Get their input. What kind of a mate have they always pictured for you? It's your decision, but you might be surprised how much help this information from those who love you the most can be. For those of you who feel marriages are "made heaven," remember that like everything else in this life, God expects you to do your part first. Make right choices is part of character building. The more compatible you are with your mate, the more successful your marriage will be. Once you know who you are, you have taken the first vital step in preparing to choose a mate. Now you are ready to find, through right and proper dating, that special friend with whom you want spend the rest of your life. (To be continued) The Art of Dating #4 Male and Female Roles WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING Male and Female Roles In today's topsy-turvy world, many don't seem to know what masculinity and femininity mean anymore. In this fourth chapter of our dating series, we candidly discuss what the Bible says about the subject. By Ronald D. Kelly The roles men and women play in society are changing rapidly. The pressures of a free-wheeling, do-your-own-thing world are nearly overwhelming. Traditional families are the exception rather than the rule. Standards for dating and sexual relations seem nearly nonexistent. Premarital sex, open and multiple marriages and homosexuality no longer shock anyone, as they did a few years ago. But where did all this confusion come from? Why are people in general so disoriented about the roles of men and women? A study of human history will reveal that the original, God-intended purposes of masculine and feminine roles have seldom been properly understood or fulfilled. What an array of conflicting styles we find in history! The proverbial cave-man existence of ancient times. The polygamous societies of "Bible times." The prudish Victorian era. The modern women's liberation movement. These all demonstrate the absence of admirable role models. And what about the effect of mass media today? Situation comedies ridicule masculinity. Advertisers hawk their products with sexual overtones. Roles are often reversed. It's no wonder people are bewildered. The dating years should be a time young men and women develop the qualities each will carry into marriage and on through life. Let's honestly look at masculinity and femininity. What Is Real Masculinity? Today, psychologists talk about "outmoded sex roles." Young people are encouraged to break out of previous sexual stereotypes. But the results of role reversals have been much less than desirable. A society of dainty boys and rough, tough girls will be no better than the tragedy of male-dominated, abusive societies of bygone days. A young boy growing up is preparing for the time he will be a man. But so few parents seem to know how to rear a boy toward that goal. Our homes are failing our youths. Our schools are overlooking them. Our churches are neglecting them. And our youths are our most precious resource! So what is the secret? How does a boy become a real man? Here are four qualities of true masculinity. By no means are these four principles the only steps to masculinity. But they illustrate a balanced approach. Our young male readers should develop them. Parents must teach them. Education To develop through the teenage years into successful manhood, you cannot shirk education. We've all heard the mythical stories of being granted any wish - the genie in the jug, wishing upon a star, the wishing well. One time such a wish was really granted. It's a true story from the Bible, found in 2 Chronicles 1:7-10: "On that night God appeared to Solomon, and said to him, 'Ask! What shall I give you?'" What would you ask for if God appeared to you and offered you anything you wanted? A sports car? A million dollars? Movie-star looks? Solomon asked for none of these. Instead, Solomon said to God: "You have shown great mercy to David my father, and have made me king in his place.... Now give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may go out and come in before this people; for who can judge this great people of Yours?" Unbelievable, isn't it? A man who would rather have wisdom than riches. His choice so pleased God that God granted Solomon wisdom and knowledge as he had requested. But in addition God gave him fabulous riches. During the teen years young people will choose whether to acquire wisdom and knowledge, or whether to flit most of their time away in mindless entertainment. Let's notice the example of Jesus Christ. By the time He was 12, He had taken hold of where He was going. His parents "found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard Him were astonished at His understanding and answers" (Luke 2:46-47). These examples show how vital education is in God's sight. Both Solomon and Jesus had a desire for knowledge, wisdom and understanding. While getting an education, a person should get not only the knowledge of the classroom, but the real foundation. Don't be afraid to study God's Word - the Bible! When you read the Bible, you'll be reading about real people who had the courage to make history. Education and knowledge are vital tools for a masculine young man with real goals and purpose. (But do not make the mistake that going to "university" is a must. Many "tradesmen" are needed, the skills of the so-called "blue-collar" worker is a must in most societies. So "education" is a BROAD word. Jesus was educated, but he needed no "degree" from some man-made "university" or "theological school" - Keith Hunt) Music Music is a big part of life. Whether you realize it or not, the philosophies propagated by songs influence you. Songs, lyrics - music in general - create a mood. Music can inspire and uplift you, or make you sad, melancholy and blue. It can also carry you into a futile, despondent attitude if you let it. And surely you will have to agree that at least some of today's songs are downright vulgar! So what should you do? Smash your radios? Burn your record albums? Rush off and live as a hermit? Of course not! You might be righteously indignant sometimes. But music can be very good. Why not discover the best in all kinds of music? And what about learning to play an instrument? One of the most masculine men of the Bible was David. Everyone has heard the story about how he killed Goliath with a slingshot. But David was also a fine musician. In I Samuel 16 we find David was chosen to play music before the king of his nation. Playing an instrument didn't make David effeminate or a sissy. Not at all! He was brave. He was strong and athletic. In other words, David was a balanced, masculine young man. You, too, can learn to apply the right principles of good music. (You may not desire to learn to play a musical instrument if you have not done so already, but it is true, music is a large part of our lives, for most people. You do need to cultivate the right mindset to correctly enjoy "good" music. Remember there is just about nothing in this physical world that Satan has not perverted in one way or another - Keith Hunt) Physical fitness Top mental agility and enjoyment of music are far less effective when combined with an out-of-condition body. Yet tests have uncovered some alarming trends. A majority of men - especially teenage fellows - are getting softer! Look around a typical high-school campus. Notice how many boys look unhealthy and weak. How many of them can do 10 chin-ups? How many can do 25 push-ups? The shameful truth is that many boys have no skills, little strength and even less interest in developing those skills and strength. But the teen years should be the prime years of life. For a man to be out of shape, fat and effeminate is a disgrace! David was just a teenager when he slew the Philistine giant Goliath. David was no sissy or weakling. He spent long days and nights with his father's sheep. He had to battle wild animals and even killed a lion and a bear (I Samuel 17:36). He was deadly accurate with the sling. He was courageous and athletic. He was a real man! True, you are not preparing to fight lions and bears or 9-foot Philistines. But you can take part in a variety of sports, athletics and exercise programs that will get and keep you in good physical condition. Not only will you reap immediate benefits, but you will be a more balanced person. Work There is an old proverb that says, "He who does not teach his son a trade might as well teach him to steal." There is a lot of wisdom in that old saying. Too many young men in today's modern society simply haven't been taught to work. When you get out of your teens, you will have about 50 full years of work ahead of you. No matter what career areas you work in during those years, early training in basic work skills will pay off. Of course, you should be preparing for a specific career goal as well. Many will go on to college or university. Others will take vocational training to prepare for a trade. And since you will be spending some 50 years at work, you might as well enjoy it. The skills of a trade and, more importantly, a good work ethic and dependability can be acquired during the teen years. You can prepare yourself for the future by working hard at whatever jobs you can find. Skills and good work habits gained even while working around the home can be helpful in finding and keeping good-paying jobs. These four areas of life contribute to the balanced and masculine man. They are only the basics. Life is much more complicated than this. But here is the foundation. Men must be masculine and think masculine. It's essential to the strength of society. A man must not be satisfied to be weak and effeminate. And as far as dating goes, that truly masculine man is the ideal with whom a young woman enjoys being. True Femininity: Every Girl's Challenge Today's women proclaim themselves free from the burdens of history. Women in the United States and other countries have demanded and received much. They have marched into theaters, bars, nightclubs, into jobs and factory work, into middle and upper management in major corporations, into political offices - nearly everywhere into places once considered off limits to women. What are the results? Has true femininity been achieved as women strove to right all the wrongs of history? We live In difficult times As society has swept along, it has left a maze of question marks in our minds. True masculinity and true femininity seem almost impossible to define. Men don't know whether to be wimps or macho. Women don't know whether to be homemakers or corporate presidents. How can we know? There is one way to find out what true femininity is. That is to learn it from the one who made humans male and female - the Creator God. He designed us. He has revealed in the Bible what men and women are supposed to be. And the Creator God is not a male chauvinist. God did not design women to be subservient, second-rate or inferior members of the human race. In the beginning God said, "it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 2:18). She was made of the same substance. She had the same mental capacities. And she had the same spiritual potential. But she was different! Mankind is created in the image of the great Creator God - with the ultimate potential to be born into His Family. By making humans male and female, with the capacity to love, marry and bear children, God made it possible for us to understand the incredible human potential. But few have understood it. In ancient societies, women were often kept in the back tent. Walked 10 paces behind. Sometimes were part of harems that contained several wives. And otherwise lived downtrodden existences. At the opposite end of the spectrum is our liberated 20th-century society of feminists who have tried to swing the pendulum as far to the other side as possible. Neither has brought happiness and understanding of what true femininity is. So, what are the qualities of true femininity? Education for girls, too In the accompanying pages, our information on masculinity outlines four major aspects of life a young man ought to develop: education, music, sports and work. But shouldn't a girl also be educated, love music, participate in sports and learn to work? Absolutely. A girl's education is just as important as a boy's. Women certainly ought to be just as educated as their mates. They will work side by side. They will rear their children. And equal education makes effective partners. Of course, some women will not choose to marry early (or at all) and will need to pursue careers. Obviously, education is essential to that pursuit. But this does not mean a woman's education should put her in direct competition with men in every field. Education today often demeans the importance of being a wife and mother and sometimes inflames head-to-head competition between the sexes. The divorce courts, with their stockpile of statistics, are living witness against the system we have created. But you don't have to be one of those statistics. You can be an educated, balanced, feminine young woman, if you set out to pattern your life after the laws of Almighty God. A girl should be beautiful It's OK for a girl to be attractive. But we're not talking about the way skin is stretched over a person's face. Beauty for the sake of vanity is not God's way. Some girls who are beautiful physically are beset by many problems. Witness Hollywood's female sex symbols. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a girl wanting to be properly attractive, well-groomed, clean. But true beauty and femininity come from within and can't be painted on. The Bible tells of several beautiful women who were outstanding examples. One was Sarah, the wife of Abraham. When Abraham and Sarah moved to Egypt, "The Egyptians saw the woman, that she was very beautiful" (Genesis 12:14). Pharaoh himself, a man surrounded by beautiful women, wanted Sarah for his wife and was willing to purchase her from Abraham. She was Abraham's wife, though, and God intervened for them. Another outstanding woman from biblical times was Ruth. Ruth had been left a young widow and had to earn a living gleaning grain. Boaz, a wealthy landowner, noticed her in the field. Ruth's appearance was so impressive Boaz had to stop and ask who she was. She must have been a captivating picture to attract him under those circumstances. He decided to find out more about her. He discovered not only her outward beauty, but her beauty of character. He married her. She became the great-grandmother of David, king of ancient Israel. The Bible tells about another physically pretty woman named Jezebel. But her beauty was only physical. She painted it on in the morning and washed it off at night. Inside she was evil and hateful. After marrying into the royal family of Israel, she brought idol worship and immorality to the nation. She was finally thrown from the balcony of her palace and was eaten by dogs - a most unpretty picture. Pure beauty comes from the heart. Girls who maintain proper weight, eat a nutritious diet, keep their hair in an appropriate style (the Bible says a woman's hair is her crown and glory - 1 Corinthians 11:15) and have a truly humble spirit are the most beautiful of all (I Peter 3:3-4). Virginity - a lost cause? If there is anything that typifies and represents society today, it is "sexual freedom." But true femininity is not sexual permissiveness. Godly femininity is a result of determination to maintain sexual purity during one's teen years and to prepare properly for marriage. In today's world, a young person is often not accepted by peers unless he or she has had sexual experience before marriage. Many are made to believe that it is perfectly acceptable to neck, pet or go all the way. But what are the fruits of this permissiveness? Illegitimate children, sexually transmissible diseases, heartache, guilt and warped attitudes about sex. In our Western society, more than half of all young brides have experienced premarital sexual relations. (Unfortunately, the percentage is even higher among men. God does not have a double standard - men are equally accountable.) What a testimony against our society concerning true femininity! It is a challenge to maintain a pure and chaste life - to present oneself in marriage as a virgin. Think of virginity not as something you lose (the common thought), but something you give. And you can only give it one time. That gift should be for your husband. (And it's a gift you are also giving to yourself - Keith Hunt) But Is It worth It? Is it worth it to strive for true femininity? You bet it is! A truly feminine young woman has personality, a sharp mind, is educated and knows where she is going. She dresses well, does her hair neatly, is clean and well-groomed, maintains proper weight, exercises and works for success in whatever she does. She learns her life-style and attitude from the sacred Word of God. IN SUMMARY This series of articles is about dating. It's important that both men and women understand the proper attributes to develop. The Bible reveals them. As young people grow to maturity and go out on dates with members of the opposite sex, those attributes pay off. A young man is much more impressed with a feminine young woman. And a young woman so much more respects a masculine leader. In the next chapter we'll discuss what couples ought to do on dates - how to understand the roles of male and female in action, in preparation for a lifetime of marriage and happiness. (To be continued) The Art of Dating #5 The Lost Art of Dating WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING The Lost Art of Dating For most people, there is very little "art" to dating. As our series of articles continues, we focus on the practical, how-to aspects of dating. By Richard Rice Has dating become a lost art? From all appearances it would certainly seem so! The vast majority of people are confused about the purpose of dating. Many do not even know exactly what a date is! To some, dating is merely a means of finding a mate. Dating does indeed lay an important foundation toward marriage, but that is not its sole purpose. To others, a date is merely a "one-night stand." Movies and television shows would have you believe the glitter and glamour of dating lies in what you can get from the other person. Scenes of pickups in bars or illicit sex in a motel room give a distorted and corrupted view of something that should be wonderful and beautiful. What Hollywood does not normally show you, however, are the adverse consequences of this life-style: Unhappy, unfulfilled people. Broken hearts and shattered lives. Sexually transmissible diseases and unwanted pregnancies. All of these are the legacy of the "swinging singles" scene. But what, then, is proper dating? Although, tragically, dating has become a lost art, the purposes and benefits of dating can be regained through the knowledge and understanding of God's way of life. Give vs.get The Bible simplifies life into two contrasting overall philosophies: the way of give vs the way of get. The way of get is totally self-oriented. In the end, this way of life is unfulfilling. People caught in the get way always need more and more to satisfy their wants. By contrast, the way of give is the only true path to happiness and fulfilment. Giving is an outgoing concern that seeks to serve others rather than the self. Instead of being caught in the syndrome of "the more you get, the more you want," you find fulfilment in giving. But what does this have to do with dating? Everything, as a matter of fact! Dating to give to the other person is truly the lost art we have been discussing. If both parties do their utmost to give to the other in the ways we shall now explore, a date cannot fail to be enriching and successful. "Still," you may ask, "just exactly how do I go about dating in this manner? What can we do? What should a date entail?" Before we discuss the specifics, let's consider some broad, general principles that apply to dating. Date to build friendships True, meaningful friendships contribute to a happy, abundant life. One purpose of dating is to help build long-lasting relationships. Friendship grows when we show concern for the feelings and interests of others. The Bible tells us, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly" (Proverbs 18:24). So, in your dating, concentrate on building friendships. Listen to what the other person has to say, rather than consistently dominating the conversation. Go to places the other person would like to go, rather than always insisting on doing what you want. Take time to find out the interests, dreams and goals of the individual you are dating. Don't limit yourself. Date a wide variety of people. This gives you broader experience in dealing with others. Soon you'll find yourself able to converse with just about anyone. As the apostle Paul said, we must become "all things to all men" (I Corinthians 9:22). By all means, avoid becoming too emotionally involved too soon. Many single people today face loneliness and frustration. It is all too easy to find false comfort and security in a premature romance. But getting carried away and letting emotions run rampant only leads to pain and disappointment in the long run. If you concentrate on dating to build friendships, not romances, you will build strong bonds of brotherly and sisterly love that will endure. With a foundation such as this, if a romance blossoms in its proper time, it will be built on true love and respect and friendship - not on temporary infatuation. Understanding the opposite sex What makes men "tick"? Why do women act the way they do? Men and women have unique differences. The way they view life - their feelings, reactions, altitudes and ways of doing things - are in some instances almost opposite. Some like to see these differences as a "battle between the sexes." But the plain truth is that men and women continually misread each other. Dating is a means of clearing up these misunderstandings. A date is the perfect opportunity to discover how the opposite sex thinks, what makes him or her unique. Men often accuse women of being over-emotional and irrational. Women frequently complain that men are demanding and insensitive. When we begin to recognize the differences in emotional makeup, these problems can be defused and overcome. A true gentleman will respect a woman's feelings. He will seek to understand her point of view, and he will be sensitive to her moods and emotions. He will support her in both her ups and her downs. He will do everything within his power to put her at ease. He will realize the value of a sincere compliment at the right time to encourage her. Likewise, women should recognize how fragile the male ego sometimes is. When a gentleman asks a lady out, he is putting himself on the line - risking rejection and hurt feelings. By using charm and grace, a lady can promote a man's self-esteem in a right way, even if she has to turn a date down. There is nothing more gracious or endearing than a truly feminine lady. Likewise, nothing is more inspiring or noble than a man who has learned how to take the lead as a real gentleman. Believe it or not, chivalry is really not dead. Although many current ideologies would have us believe that even courtesy and good manners are old fashioned, nothing could be further from the truth. Women appreciate men who take the lead in the proper manner. Not on some macho kick, but truly showing thoughtfulness and consideration. Pulling out a chair, helping with her coat, opening the car door - these are but a few of the characteristics that make a man stand tall in a woman's eyes. In the same way, men genuinely admire and appreciate a true lady - one who will respond and do her best to make the occasion he has planned for her successful. Confidence in relating to others, along with friendliness and outgoing concern, are vital ingredients in a balanced personality. Confidence involves poise, self-assurance, ease in dealing with people and skill in handling different situations. Dating is one of the most effective means of developing these positive attributes. If you feel ill at ease on a date, don't let this stop you from trying! The more you date, the more relaxed you will become in interacting with others. With surprising swiftness, nervousness will subside and confidence will grow. At times, try dating in groups. People often feel more at ease in a group than in a one-on-one situation. Conversation is easier with more people to participate, and much of the anxiety and tension will disappear. As you have more and more successful dates your confidence will increase, and you will find yourself becoming a well-balanced, sociable person. Two central aspects Where you go and what you do on a date will vary depending on many factors. Weather conditions, activities available and how much money you have budgeted to spend are some of the considerations that will dictate what you can do. There are two aspects, however, that should be part of every date you go on. Without these fundamental requirements, it is impossible to have a successful date. The art of communication Communication is another lost art of this day and age. People have simply forgotten how to openly converse with each other. Having been hurt by those who are out to get, many have built protective walls around themselves. These barriers often become prisons. Some do not allow others to get in. Neither do they reach out and try to make friends. Consequently, even though there are more people alive on earth today than ever before, psychological defenses have made many people very lonely and insecure. Dating is one of the most effective tools in breaking through these barriers. This necessitates communication on both sides. Without meaningful conversation, a date cannot be successful. Communication is not just talking at or to someone. It's sharing thoughts and ideas. Try to see the other person's point of view. Don't just voice your own opinions. Some may find it hard to get a conversation started. There are steps you can take to overcome this obstacle. Before asking for a date, do your homework. Take the time and effort to find out what the other person's interests are. Don't be nosy or rude. Simply ask the person a few casual questions when you talk over the phone, at the office, school, church or wherever. This will give you ample information to use with your date. Always be broadening your store of knowledge so that you can converse on a myriad of subjects. Strive to become a good listener. Draw people out and give them the opportunity and encouragement to express themselves. To become a good conversationalist takes time and work, but it is well worth the effort. There is nothing more disarming than a congenial, friendly person who is not afraid to let others know what he or she is really like. People can spot insincerity. Therefore, be open about yourself, and others will be comfortable in opening up to you. One word of caution: Use discretion and tact in your efforts at communication. To ask probing and personal questions can be embarrassing and make your date feel uncomfortable, thus ruining the date. By the same token, divulging your innermost faults or secret sins is unwise. In addition to communication, there is another major aspect of dating. This involves what one can do and places where one can go on a date. The point is that you should... Have fun The possibilities for having good, clean fun on a date are endless. The only limitation is your own imagination. Be creative! Explore the possibilities in your area. Take advantage of opportunities. The responsibility for selecting and planning activities normally rests on the man. He should not view it as a burden, however, but as a unique and profitable opportunity to develop leadership, and have fun at the same time. A thoughtful leader will try to plan dates around what the woman would like to do. On occasion, have two or three ideas in mind, and ask her which one she would prefer. This allows the man to do the planning and preparation while giving the woman input. It is important to plan well in advance. Spontaneous dates can be enjoyable, but for many types of dates, it is only common courtesy to ask a woman several days ahead of time so she can prepare. Let your date know exactly what you will be doing and where you will be going so she can plan and dress appropriately. As far as what to do, that may vary depending on your budget, location or other considerations. Following is a list of some of the many activities you can choose: Take advantage of natural beauty in your area. Plan a hike in the mountains, swimming, sailing, snow or water skiing, horseback riding or a pleasant walk through a national or city park. All of these activities are not only fun and uplifting, but they also provide a scenic backdrop for conversation and getting to know each other. Museums, libraries or recreational facilities are available almost everywhere. They are often inexpensive and can be educationally profitable. When you can afford it, a dinner at a nice restaurant is always pleasurable and provides the perfect atmosphere for easy discussion. On occasion, a movie, play or symphony can be delightful. Be careful not to overdo dates like this, as they tend to leave little time for conversation. You might wish to go for a walk or drive afterward so you can talk. Sports activities such as volleyball and tennis help keep you physically fit while enabling you to become acquainted with a variety of people. Inviting a friend to visit the elderly can encourage and inspire those who are lonely and shut in. Outdoor barbecues, sing-alongs, house-painting parties and bike rides offer inexpensive social opportunities. The list is virtually endless. Getting to know the opposite sex and enjoying wholesome fun - that's what dating is all about! Master the art of dating, and you will also find one of the secrets to a happy, well-adjusted and meaningful life. .................            TO BE CONTINUED  The Art of Dating #5b Questions Most often Asked by Teens THE ART OF DATING Questions Teens Ask Most by Larry Van Landuyt Q. I am crazy about this really cute guy (or girl), but he (she) doesn't seem to know I exist. How Can I get him (her) to notice me, and like me? We receive this question from teens more often than any other. And the answer is that you can't. That's right, you can't get someone of the opposite sex to like you. Don't misunderstand. This doesn't mean you are helpless to find friends of the opposite sex, or that you are doomed to a life of loneliness. There is much you can and should do if you want to have friends and someday find the husband or wife of your dreams. But it's not a matter of what you can get. It's a matter of what you can give. Many teens try to get others to like them. For girls, this. means dressing in the latest and most expensive styles, being a cheerleader or member of a sports team or being on the student council. Far many girls, it means dressing seductively and flirting. And to keep the attention of the guys these actions seem to get, these girls do things such as necking or petting, or more, on dates. For guys, the get approach means being considered a "hunk" or a "jock," owning a racy car or having lots of money. It means taking the right girls to the right places and making "the right moves" on dates - even if you really feel wrong about doing so. These aspects of the get approach may seem to work for a while, but the people you attract by these methods, frankly, won't be very nice people, and the relationships that develop won't last. So what should you do? Instead of getting, concentrate on giving. First, realize that the best way to gain the attention of members of the opposite sex is not to latch onto a "steady." Instead, it is best to meet and learn to enjoy the company of many different types of people. Next, realize that the most important thing you can do during your teen years is to develop emotionally, intellectually and academically into a pleasant, balanced person. Put another way, you should become a person of quality who is a real prize for someone else of quality. Then you won't need to "catch" them - they will want to catch you! Jesus Christ taught this principle when He, said: "Give, and it will be given to you; good; measure, pressed down, shaken; together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you" (Luke 6:38). This means that if you become an attractive, kind, friendly, warm, talented person - if you have nice qualities to give - others who have these same qualities will be attracted to you. It takes time and effort to become this kind of person. But that's fine, because "cheap popularity" is just that - cheap. It has little value and it doesn't last. Q. I think I'm in love. Is there a way to know for sure? What is true love, and how do you know when you're in it? Do you "fall" in love? Does your heart "skip a beat" and your mind begin to swirl? First, let's consider what true love is not. It is not the surge of warmth one feels when near the person he or she "loves." It is not the physical excitement, the rising pulse rate, the blushing, the nervousness. It is not day-dreaming about the person when he or she is gone, nor staring at the person when he or she is near. It is not the loss of appetite or fitful sleep of a girl or guy who can't stop thinking about a certain person. These are merely physical and emotional responses. They are triggered by our body chemistry when we're in the presence of an appealing person of the opposite sex. They are only feelings - happy, exciting, powerful feelings, certainly, but just feelings - not love! True love is much more than emotions. Oh, it includes emotions and sensations, but it goes much deeper. And this is where many go astray. They confuse the feelings and emotions of romance with love. This is a tragic mistake. Here are four qualities of true love: First, real love must be selfless. When you love someone, you want the best for the other person. Your object is not to get from him or her. Real love isn't concerned with getting affection, gifts, attention or anything else from the person. Love means trying to do what is really best for the one loved. Second, real love survives trouble. The type of love that vanishes with the first misunderstanding or hardship is not true love. It is just a passing, selfish, romantic interest. Third, real love remains steady over time. Right here is where many people who are planning to be married should stop and think. A courtship that has lasted only a month or two may not be based on love, because it has not yet had time to prove itself. Love takes time to grow strong enough to last. Fourth, although it is accompanied by romantic feelings, real love does not die when the first excitement of romance decreases. Instead, it takes root and grows as the months and years pass. True love is not blind. It sees the other person as he or she really is, with faults as well as good points. Only in this way can you see the character of the person, and decide whether he or she is the one with whom you want to share the rest of your life. True love is based upon thinking as well as feeling, and the thinking must come first. Q. All the other kids my age are dating, but my dad and mom say I can't because I'm too young. When is a person old enough to go out on dates? Parents and teens often disagree on this point. Have you noticed how some teens view dating simply as a chance to have fun at some activity with someone of the opposite sex? Caring parents, however, see dating as a complex relationship accompanied by emotions and physical pulls that require maturity to be handled wisely. Being alone with a teen of the opposite sex on a date is not a situation to be taken lightly. The ability to properly channel newfound emotions of sexual awareness does not come automatically with those emotions. Wisdom and character take time to develop and mature. So when should a young person date? This question should be answered for each teen by parents who use good judgment based on God's Word. The age will vary slightly for different individuals. Often, teens who have not yet graduated from high school may profit more from group activities and social events than by pairing off on unsupervised dates. Q. I'll be graduating from high school in a couple of months and am interested in a guy who is 24. He wants to date me, but my mom says I cannot date him bemuse he is too old for me. What difference does age make as long as we like each other? When two people are out of their teens' and are mature adults, an age difference of a few years (sometimes quite a few years - Keith Hunt) isn't too important. But the teenage years are a time of major changes in a person's life. There is a far greater difference between a 17-year-old and a 24-year-old than between a 27 year-old and a 34-year-old, even though the years between them are equal. Although you are more mature than a younger teen, you still have not reached full adulthood. Your adult friend has already faced more of life than the few years between you might seem to indicate. This means the two of you cannot help but be mismatched in terms of mental maturity and experience. (That would depend on a lot of factors - this statement is way too narrow, and cannot be applied as a general rule - each case would have to be evaluated on its own - Keith Hunt) The fact is that often, an adult man who dates a girl in her teens does so only to selfishly take advantage of her naivety and immaturity. (Maybe some cases but certainly can't paint the whole wall with one brush stroke - way too narrow an answer - Keith Hunt) We believe you would be wise to follow your mother's direction. What you see as an exciting new adventure, she recognizes as a situation that is almost certain to bring you much hurt and grief. She is trying to protect you from the heartache and pain that may await you. (Again, each situation must be taken individually. The answer to this question was coming from the typical WCG mindset through its theology system, and they had a TERRIBLE track record for marriages in their colleges, marriages that lasted that is - Keith Hunt) Q. parents don't like the guy I'm dating and are trying to split us up. Why don't they want me to have fun and be happy? If your parents disapprove of your friend, be cautious! Your parents really want you to be happy: They have probably seen similar situations - perhaps in their own experience - where someone has been deeply hurt, and they don't want that to happen to you. Realize that your parents know you better in many ways than you know yourself. Also realize that they were once teens themselves. They've seen more of the trap doors of life than you have. Consider their advice seriously. Talk to them calmly when both you and they have the time. Ask them to explain why they do not care for your friend. (Possibly true, but let's face it, some parents are often wrong - parents are not infallible - so careful with this answer - Keith Hunt) If you will hear them out, you can learn a bit more about yourself, and about your friend. And you can avoid the heartaches many have reaped because they ignore the best source of dating advice available - parents! (Many times just not true, parents can be bias and a whole lot more other things too. So depends on the parents and maybe what "church" they belong to - Keith Hunt) Q. So many guys today seem to think dating and sexual intercourse automatically go together. I haven't given in to my boyfriend yet, but I'm feeling the pressure and I don't want to lose him. Can you help me? God's law forbids premarital sex (Exodus 20:14, 1 Corinthians 6:18). Having sex before marriage is a grave mistake you're sure to regret later in life. Look at this letter, for example: "I always thought of myself as a nice girl because I wouldn't go 'all the way.' With every new boyfriend, necking became just the thing to do. But also with each it became less exciting. About four years ago after losing my virginity I met the man who would become my husband. I cannot put into words how much I love this man. However, there is a major problem. Because of my previous sexual experience, my senses are deadened. Now I wish I could go back and erase all the relationships I had with other men. What a true blessing it must be to have a wonderful sexual life with your mate!" The young woman who wrote the letter above points out just one sad result of premarital sexual experimentation. There are many others, including unwanted pregnancy, abortion and a vast array of sexually transmissible diseases. If the young man you are dating doesn't respect you enough not to engage in premarital sex, how much do you think he really cares about you? You will have to decide what you value more - the temporary (and it will be just that) attention of a guy or your personal happiness for many years to come. Men will have to decide whether to indulge in temporary physical pleasure now or to buck the crowd and wait to enjoy sex with that one special girl in a loving marriage, as God intended. Choose God's way of life and you will never regret it! Q. My parents say it's not good to go out with the same guy (girl) too often. Most of my friends are now going steady. Is there anything wrong with going steady? The idea of steadily dating one person to the exclusion of others when you are too young to seriously consider marriage is not good for several reasons. Humans naturally seem to want to possess things - or even people! - exclusively. But in friendships with the opposite sex, this approach limits social development. It hinders meeting and getting to know a wide range of people since it tends to announce that you are special friends with only one guy or girl, and hence off limits to others. It's actually a selfish point of view. Going steady is essentially lazy. Boys are spared the bother and embarrassment of asking new girls for dates. Girls feel a sense of security, knowing they will be assured of regular dates. Familiarity is another matter to be considered. The familiarity created by steady dating makes it easier for the boy to make ever-bolder romantic advances on subsequent dates - while it becomes more difficult for the girl to say no. Stated plainly, dating only one person multiplies the pressure to have sex. After scores or hundreds of hours alone with one another, it is difficult to maintain godly moral standards. Teens should be friends with everybody and not go with any one person exclusively until they are old enough to have dated many different people and to be considering serious dating in direct preparation for marriage. ....................           TO BE CONTINUED  The Art of Dating #6 The Single Scene WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING The Singles Scene The single "life-style" is highly publicized as an attractive alternative to marriage and family. As our series of articles on dating continues, we offer important counsel for singles. by Greg R. Albrecht What's behind the dramatic increase in the number of men and women who are defined as single today? Some men and women, because of various circumstances, are forced to remain single through no choice of their own, though many would like to be married. Many other young people, however, are choosing not to marry, or to delay marriage. As divorces increase, more and more ex-marrieds are living alone and re-entering the world of singles. Liberal educators and most of the mass media have popularized the single life as an exciting, fulfilling alternative to marriage and famines: Independence is better than commitment. Sexual freedom and experimentation are more desirable than loving monogamy. Selfish personal pursuits and satisfaction are more important than giving oneself in caring service to a mate and children. Marriage itself is outdated. Or so we are told! Yet loneliness, alienation, mental illness and sexual diseases are also increasing in society, as marriage, the family and traditional sex roles erode. If you are single now, for whatever reason, you need to understand the Bible-based principles we will cover in this article. If you are a parent, you need to make a special effort to teach these principles to your children. This knowledge, rejected by the world as a whole, is a basic key to happiness in life! The war between the sexes Decades of social upheaval have created the climate in which the single life is increasingly popular. Yet one by-product of these changing attitudes and values is the further erosion of understanding between the sexes. The so-called war between the sexes has given way, on some levels, to an uneasy truce. The terms of the cease fire are "toleration," "understanding" and "cooperation." But while these are all virtues under the right circumstances, these terms have been misunderstood to mean the rejection of family government, the abandonment of traditional sex roles and the acceptance of behavior that directly violates. the laws of the almighty God! The results have been deadly. The movement toward "equality" bas blended sexual differences into a confusing mixture that neither sex can understand or cope with. Though we discussed sex roles in an earlier article in this series, it is good to review, here, some foundational statements from the Bible. The Bible tells us that God gave different responsibilities and characteristics to men and women in the beginning: "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). What, exactly, does it mean to be a male or a female? How should we think, act and relate to the opposite sex? "Unisex" invades fashion In the past few decades increasing pressure has been on the sexes to blend. "Unisex" invaded fashion. The equal rights movement put men and women at odds in the political arena. Confused sex roles blared from the media in the guise of entertainment. The result? Mass confusion - even ambivalence in terms of sexual identity! You need to understand that the blending of sexual roles has twisted and perverted God-given concepts and standards. Many people, frankly, wonder who and what they are and should be. Both married people and singles have been hurt in their relationships with one another. Christians know that the god of this world - Satan (2 Corinthians 4:4) - is masterminding this entire scenario. Satan tells us there is no difference between men and women - that we should be very much alike. Therefore, women say: "Where are the men? We just meet irresponsible, immature little boys - we never meet any real men!" The men counter: "Why don't women stop being so aggressive and hard? Aren't there any sweet, gentle, feminine women anymore?" Men, Satan wants you uncertain and hesitant, lacking the qualities of a strong and intelligent leader.... [YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE BLENDING OF SEXUAL ROLES HAS PERVERTED GOD-GIVEN STANDARDS. MANY PEOPLE, FRANKLY, WONDER WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE AND SHOULD BE. BOTH MARRIED PEOPLE AND SINGLES HAVE BEEN HURT IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH ONE ANOTHER. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A MALE OR A FEMALE?] ....insensitive to the needs and desires of women, afraid of making any commitments. Women, Satan wants you to feel that toughness works better than softness, that you should always be in charge, that you must compete with men at every level. No, we're not saying that men should be cavemen types, with no regard for a woman's feelings, or that women should be spineless, clinging vines. But we are saying that men should be men and women should be women. Ephesians 5 is a major text in explaining how men and women should relate to each other, especially in marriage and in the dating and courtship leading up to marriage. This Bible passage speaks not only of the marital relationship, but of the basic difference between the sexes. These differences have to do with physiological and psychological differences that God ordained and created in us. Paul tells us that a man is to lovingly lead and that a woman is to happily follow (Ephesians 5:22-23). These values are defined by God and are not contingent upon cultural conditioning. God's way is cooperation Note that Ephesians 5:21 says all should be "submitting to one another in the fear of God." God's way is cooperation, not competition. Male and female, quantitatively different, are to cooperate and live in harmony. To cooperate, you must understand your fellow human beings. Scientific research and thousands of years of human experience point up numerous physical, mental and emotional differences between men and women. Don't let anyone tell you any different! These are differences God created to allow men and women to complement one another. Women need strong, protective men who are confident and decisive in their masculinity. Men need responsive, gentle, caring women, who are willing to share their lives with them. There should be no conflict of interests here, no competition for who's in top position. God created these feminine or masculine characteristics within us so that we could function as a smooth-running team in marriage. It's these differences that attract men to women and vice versa. A truly feminine woman makes a man feel more masculine and a masculine man brings out a woman's femininity. Though its eternal truths are discarded by society in general, the Bible gives us clearly defined sexual roles and responsibilities. Effect of misinformation Young people have been educated in this latter half of the 20th century not to let anyone impose a role on them. We all have been told that we each have the right of self-definition. For example, women, who, admittedly, have often been victimized by male-dominated society, are now led to believe that they must revolt against tradition, seize control and save themselves from abuse. Satan the devil would like us to believe that there are no guidelines - that each case is unique - that one can never know what to expect - that "openness" and "tolerance" are virtues to be pursued over self-control, decency and morality. The tragic result of this teaching and misinformation has been the desexualization of society. The whole concept of what women and men are supposed to be, look like and do, is mixed up. How does this confusion affect singles? Men and women don't know how to act and react toward each other. Within just the past generation, dating has become almost a thing of the past. Indeed, as we noted in an earlier article, dating is a lost art. The practice of a man "wooing" a woman is looked upon as almost archaic - a relic of an ignorant, male-dominated, by-gone age. Without a courtship period, however, there's little time to get to know another person and how you might relate to him or her over the long term. That's because too many times there is no long term. In this age of instant gratification, when couples are just looking for a one-night stand or roommates for the semester, there's no need to worry about making a commitment. But successful, truly happy relationships between male and female must eventually include a commitment on the part of both. And to make that decision wisely, a period of dating or courtship without the physical and emotional involvement of a sexual relationship is necessary. This person may be a great lover, but what kind of provider or parent will he or she be? Dating gives you time to get to know yourself and the other person by seeing how you both react under different circumstances. How well do you work together as a team? Are you each others' best friend? That euphoria, or honeymoon, that comes with a beginning sexual relationship, inside or outside of marriage, is no long-term proof of real, true love. Too many couples today mistake sensuous feelings and emotions for love. Then, when the feeling is gone, they believe their love is finished, and the relationship is over. That's why a time for dating and courtship, without sexual involvement, is so important. A yearning for "romance" If you think that a man asking a woman out for dinner or a movie or a concert or a picnic is old-fashioned - have you noticed? - there's a strong undercurrent of yearning in this society for what we call romance. Go to any supermarket check-out stand and note the popularity of tabloids and sensational novels that sell romance. The heroic male in such stories is usually pictured as a swashbuckling pirate, or a handsome Middle Eastern type leaping from behind a sand dune to sweep the heroine off her feet. Films and television show us the same thing. Romance is a best-seller today! There's obviously something missing in our courtship practices. What has happened to that mysterious interaction between male and female that the Bible speaks of when it alludes to that beautiful "way of a man with a maid" (Proverbs 30:19, Authorized Version)? Dating should, be part of the courtship process that eventually leads toward marriage. During late teenage and early college years is the time to date for mainly social reasons, but this type of dating should not go on forever. Dating with purpose There comes a time when dating should become a serious search for the proper mate for life. The women you date should realize you're the kind of guy who is interested in marriage at some time, and not just for one shallow relationship after another. Again, men, it's difficult for a woman to be attracted to an indecisive, weak-kneed character who is afraid of any long-term commitments. And, women, when this masculine, serious-about-marriage fellow comes along, treat him with the same respect he is giving you. If the evening he has planned isn't exactly your idea of a perfect date, don't try to take charge and make all things right. Some women, when they're asked out by a man, act as if they're trying to reel in a big fish. Be responsive to his concern and tell him you appreciate his thoughtfulness, but don't be the aggressor. You wanted a masculine man - allow him to be one. In the beginning God made male and female. He told them to become one flesh. In this marital equation, one plus one equals one. Two people not only literally become one flesh in the sex act, but they unite emotionally and spiritually... [To accomplish a God-plane, one-flesh union, both male and female must learn to appreciate the differences and strengths of the partner. God made us to be different and, as the French say, Vive la difference! (long live difference). You need to remember this in any dating, but especially in dating toward marriage.] ....as well. Everything they are should become a part of the other. To accomplish a God-plane, one-flesh union, both male and female must appreciate the differences and the strengths of the partner. God made us to be different and, as the French say, vive la difference! Remember this in any dating, but especially in dating toward marriage. The major concept that we need to think about is cooperation, not competition. The world emphasizes competition and strife. But we need to emphasize love and cooperation between the sexes. Cooperation, not competition Notice briefly the feminine role of submission. What does that mean for a single? God tells women to submit to their husbands, to cooperate with them. He doesn't tell women, however, that they must submit to every man they meet or date. If a woman goes on a date with a man and he domineers and browbeats her to prove his manhood or for whatever other reason, she must evaluate whether she could submit to that kind of ill-advised and unwise leadership in a marriage. Women, do you want a "caveman-cavewoman" marriage? You must make a decision before marriage. You should choose a man whom you can respect and whose leadership style you can admire. You owe it to yourself for the future happiness of both your husband and yourself. Conversely, when a man considers a woman as a potential wife, he should look for someone who will allow him to lead. Most men want to marry a woman who is a partner, not an adversary. Men, you certainly do not wish to marry a woman who is going to continually fight over control of the family, and refuse to agree with and support your decisions. It's your responsibility to evaluate before marriage as you get to know a woman. Loving leadership is the male responsibility. You must be able to do so effectively with the woman you choose as your wife. The law of love In I John 4:19 we read, "We love Him [God] because He first loved us." We are able to respond to God because He loved us first. That sets the major pattern for all human relationships, including male-female interaction. Both sexes must apply this principle in their relations with each other. Men are charged to be loving leaders. They are to take the lead in demonstrating love, kindness, understanding and service to women. Men must be properly assertive, not "caveman-style" leaders. Women need to know where men are "coming from." Then they can respond accordingly. Men should not be hesitant or tentative in serving and caring. They must step out toward women with the kind of love God shows His creation. Likewise, women who want to obey God will show love toward men by being submissive, tender, supportive helpers. Such women will radiate charm, self-control and humor. A woman can show this type of godly love by encouraging and advising and inspiring a man - by truly being a "help meet [fit] for him" (Genesis 2:18, AV). Men and women were created different, but were created to love and care for one another in the most special and mysterious of all relationships - marriage (Ephesians 5:32). Singles, be men and women of God, and God will bless your relationships with the opposite sex! August 1987 ..........................            TO BE CONTINUED  The Art of Dating  Dating Towards Marriage WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING Dating Toward Marriage How can you know if you're ready for marriage? How would you recognize a potential mate? by Norman L. Shoaf Not every date leads toward marriage. Not every date ought to. Most dates should simply give men and women chances to build friendship, personality and character through varied cultural and recreational activities. But at the right time and in the right way, dating can and should lead toward marriage. And marriage preceded by courtship based on the laws of God can be the highest, happiest and most rewarding of all human relationships! Unfortunately, millions of people lose out on the wonderful joys of marriage they should experience. Why? Because of wrong dating practices before marriage! They stumble into ill-advised marriages with the wrong people, or they don't wait until they are mature enough to handle all the responsibilities of marriage, or they spoil the marriage relationship by indulging in premarital sex, or they fail to see how vital it is to stay committed to this God-ordained institution. If you are planning to be married soon, or if you are even thinking about being married someday, you need to carefully read every word in this seventh article in our series on dating. Why not just live together? We live in an age of rampant divorce and broken homes. Even men and women who stay married are sometimes miserably unhappy in their situations. Many ask, "Why should I get married in the first place?" Or, "If we love each other, why do we need a piece of paper to tell us it's OK to live together?" Or, "Isn't it a good idea, even if you intend to get married, to live with the person first to see if you're compatible?" The answers to all these questions lie in understanding some basic principles we have stressed throughout this series of articles. Marriage is much more than just a physical, natural union. Marriage did not evolve as a mere social custom among humans who themselves evolved from lower forms of life. God Almighty, the Creator of human life, created marriage at the beginning (Genesis 2:18). Human marriage pictures the coming spiritual marriage between Jesus Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:31-32). Living in and learning the lessons of the physical family prepare God's called people to enter the spirit-composed Family of God at the resurrection (I John 3:1-2). These vital truths render null and void all social relationships that reject the biblical laws concerning marriage and the family! Premarital sex, living together before marriage, adultery and other practices central to the modern "sexual revolution" all defy the laws of God! Of course, if you have read this far in this series, you no doubt are not among those who want to continue to defy God. If you are still reading, you want to know the right way to have a happy marriage. You want to know how to avoid the modern scourges of divorce, unhappy marriages, loneliness and shattered families. You want to know how to date to eventually find the right person with whom you can blissfully share the rest of your life. And God's Word gives you the answers! The most important key Here is the single most important key to remember in dating toward marriage: Base everything you do on the laws of God. Despite what people want to believe, despite the contrary arguments of false ministers, despite the struggle you will have in this world when you set out to obey God, keeping God's laws ultimately produces every joy and reward you could desire (Psalm 19:7-11). Thousands who have decided to live God's way can heartily validate this incredibly good news! Fear of commitment, living together without a formal marriage agreement and sexual experimentation before marriage lead to trouble. Loving monogamy, a desire to be faithful and an attitude of caring for and serving one special, beloved person for the rest of your life lead to a wonderfully happy and lasting marriage. And a basic foundation of a strong, happy marriage is the right dating that precedes it. But in specific, practical terms, what role does dating play in selecting a life partner for marriage? Knowing when you're ready There comes a time when friendship, respect, admiration and attraction between the right man and the right woman combine and deepen into something more. The relationship takes on that beautiful, wonderful quality the Bible refers to as "the way of a man with a maid" (Proverbs 30:19, King James Version). The man and woman have matured physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They are financially stable. They have dated widely and know what they want in a mate. They have examined their own personalities, talents and motives, and know what they can contribute to a marriage. They both desire to give and serve in a lasting relationship with a particular person of the opposite sex. They find that they truly love each other. Remember, true love is outgoing concern for the needs and desires of the other person. True love contains no element of selfish concern for one's own lusts or demands. True love involves making a conscious decision to care for and serve the other person's best interests without ever asking anything in return. To truly love in a marital way, a person must want to share all of life's experiences, thrills and joys - to share trouble and sorrow - to share success or failure - to share health and sickness. When you find a completely compatible person who helps you appraise your own ideas and actions, who complements and helps balance you with good ideas and actions of his or her own, who actually helps make you a better person by his or her presence in your life - then you may well be headed toward true love. Now your dating takes on a special purpose. Now you want to determine if the two of you can be right together - permanently. What specific points should you now think about in your dating? Could you succeed as husband and wife? You certainly already have some ideas about what you would like in a husband or wife. Dating should now bring those ideas into clear focus as they relate to the person with whom marriage has now become a distinct possibility. A man should ask himself if be cares more about her than about any other person in the world (Ephesians 5:25). You should find her personality and her appearance supremely attractive. You must have no doubt that you can "always be enraptured with her love" (Proverbs 5:15-19) - that you will be perfectly satisfied, even anxious, to forsake all others and "cleave" to her for the rest of your life (Genesis 2:24, KJV). Making this choice does not require premarital sex or living together before marriage! Remember that true love is a matter of choice - a conscious decision on your part that, in your life, with your wife, fidelity, ongoing romance and physical and spiritual love will be the case. Would this woman make a good mother? Does she want the same number of children you do, and at the same time? Most important, is pleasing God the driving force in her life - the No.1 purpose for her existence? Is obeying God's laws even more important to her than pleasing you? Think about it! This will be for the best in your marriage. Other important virtues a man should look for in a woman are compatibility and adaptability. Does this girl follow: your lead (Ephesians 5:22)? Does she obviously respect you? Do you respect her? A woman should consider carefully whether she will be able to respect, submit to and be affectionate toward the man for the rest of her life (Ephesians 5:22-24). Does he make sensible decisions? Is he assertive in the right way, without being overbearing or inconsiderate of your ideas, feelings and needs? Does he ask for your input before he acts? Is he reckless? Does he have bad habits - e.g., drinking too much, driving poorly, not watching his health, being unconcerned about his appearance? Does he find you attractive? Is he able to openly express, in proper affection and words, how pleased he is with you? Do you find him attractive? Are you absolutely certain of his concern for your best interests? Are you sure that you now are and always will be the only woman he loves this way? Is he considerate of you, making sure not to spoil your future by pressuring you into premarital sex (I Corinthians 6:18)? Is he a hard worker? Does he have a good job? Will he do whatever is necessary to provide for you and your children, or will money problems continually undermine your marriage? How does he feel about your working outside the home, if it was necessary for you to do so? Will he make a good father? Does he like children? Will he be able to love, teach, discipline and earn the respect of his children? Talk everything out. Discuss plans and goals. Ask questions and find out all you can about each other. Don't assume anything or leave anything to chance. God warns that you and your future wife or husband will not be able to walk together in marriage unless you agree (Amos 3:3). Major points to consider Here are some specific areas you must consider about your potential mate: *Friendship* Millions of people marry for the wrong reasons - for convenience, out of lust, to gain security, on a whim, to get away from parents, for money. But you should not even consider marriage unless it is built on a relationship of growing love. Perhaps the most important point is that you should simply be strong, deep, close friends. You may well start out as friends before you both realize that you have become or would like to become something more. If your marriage is based on friendship, that unity and closeness can transcend any problems that come along later. Whatever happens, you will always be friends, and that will help keep you together! Being friends means spending lots of time together, whether working together, enjoying some type of recreation or just being happy in each other's company. Being friends means building deep trust, understanding, respect, reliance. Cherishing, nourishing and enjoying the relationship you have with your special male or female friend will mean more to you than any other physical consideration. A husband or wife can actually become "a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24). *Communication* Husbands and wives must communicate often, seriously and in detail. Dr. Leland Glover, in a book entitled "How to Marry Someone You Can Live With All Your Life," said: "Intimate, friendly and prolonged communication between a husband and wife tends to weld them together whereas a decided decline in this type of communication tends to break up existing attachments. Partners who are going steady can and should assess their ability to communicate effectively. Studies reveal that couples who communicate well during courtship generally continue this wholesome pattern in marriage, while those who communicate poorly but get married anyway continue this negative relationship after the wedding." How much and how well do you talk with the person you are dating? Are your conversations awkward, trivial, negative - or do you not really talk at all? This is why dating should involve more than sitting in a darkened movie house all the time or being entertained by some other outside stimulus, If you don't talk now - if you don't talk a lot, and enjoy talking - you won't after you are married. The result? Your marriage will be filled with loneliness, alienation from each other and bad decisions (because you will never discuss anything!). *Personality* Many marriages suffer because men and women don't get to know each other while dating beforehand, and thus they marry the wrong people. Then, after the wedding, they proceed to try to change their mates to suit their likes and dislikes. It doesn't work! It all has to do with personality, and with talking before marriage. If partners' interests, goals and desires are the same - if their temperaments, sense of humor and idiosyncrasies match or complement each other - then they will be able to live together happily. But after the wedding is no time to start developing common interests, talents or hobbies. You should find out while you are dating whether you share complementary aspects of personality. Ask yourself. "Can I marry this person as he or she is - without trying to change his or her personality? Am I totally without reservations about the way he or she is? Do his or her habits bother me? Do our hobbies, values, goals and even recreational pursuits generally match or complement?" No one is perfect. If you wait to find the "perfect" mate, you will never be married. But you should be able to feel that the person with whom you are contemplating marriage is perfect for you. *Health* Physical and mental health are important if a marriage is to run smoothly and enjoyably. How concerned is the man or woman about diet and exercise? Is the person free of problems such as smoking and alcohol and drug abuse? Has the person been infected with some sexual disease or with some other life-spoiling illness? Take a hard look too, at the person's mental and emotional state. Is he or she optimistic, cynical, easy to get along with, loudmouthed, relaxed, easily angered, prone to physical violence, full of weird ideas? Does he or she have a strange sense of humor - or no sense of humor - wild mood swings, mental quirks, unreasonable fears? You should see each other in as many different situations as possible as you date. See how each other responds to varied situations. Do you see why marriage must be based on more than a few "dates" in the back-seat of a car? Do you see why you must evaluate a person on more than bow he or she dresses, dances, kisses or tells jokes? *Heredity and environment* Certainly, no one can be condemned for where or how he or she was born or who the parents were. And to a large extent, most people had little control over how they grew up. But heredity and environment most assuredly do affect all of us in our lives now. If no problems in this area exist to begin with, you won't have to worry about them in your future marriage. So find out about the person's background. Take a look at his or her parents. What have they accomplished? Do they look down on anyone who aspires to higher education or who wants to better himself or herself? Are they comfortable in elegant environments and humble surroundings? Are they prejudiced? Do they drink heavily? Are they overweight? If you look at your future wife's or husband's parents, you can probably get a pretty good idea what your wife or husband is going to look and be like in about 20 to 25 years! (Not always true, but sad to say in my experience over 65 years of life at present, it is true too many times - Keith Hunt) Think about the education, experience, political stance and social and cultural level of your prospective mate. If the woman has a stronger personality or is simply more intelligent than the man, for example, she will have a hard time respecting and submitting to him. What kind of environment will the person be comfortable in after marriage? Is he or she perfectly happy in a small apartment in a rundown section of a large city? Does be or she want anything more out of life? Engagement Period - and wedding When you find yourself getting especially interested in a certain person, it is time to seek wise counsel about what is developing. Of course, the wisest counsel you can possibly seek comes from God Himself. "A prudent wife is from the Lord" (Proverbs 19:14). The same is true of prudent husbands! Pray for God's guidance in your relationship. Ask Him to help you choose the right mate for you, just as He did with the first man and woman at the start of human history. If God is involved in your choice of a wife or husband, and both you and your future mate set yourselves to obey God's,laws concerning love, marriage and sex, you can't go wrong. Ask God to help you see everything you should as you decide who you want to marry. Again, base everything you do on the laws of God. Also seek counsel from the people who know you and this special person best - your parents, families and friends, Be sure they are honest and constructive when they offer advice. Engagements vary in length. Normally it is not advisable to wait longer than a year: You should be drawing closer during this time, and too much intimacy could lead to premarital sexual involvement. During the engagement you should spend most of your free time together. There is so much to discuss! You should get to know each other deeply, and you will have much to decide concerning the coming wedding and your plans after the wedding. If you decide once and for all to follow God's laws in every aspect of your dating and friendships with the opposite sex, then you can enjoy this assurance: On your wedding day - and, happily, ever after - you can he sure you have married exactly the right person for you, that God has blessed the marriage and that you have nothing to look forward to except vibrantly joyous love, happiness and true contentment together!. September-October 1987 .................... The Art of Dating  The Second Time Around WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DATING The Second Time Around Ideally, marriage is for life. If you are divorced or widowed and want to remarry, here is sound advice as you begin dating again. by Dexter H. Faulkner More and more people today are marrying for the second, and sometimes third or more, time around. Sometimes children are involved in this second-time-around courtship. What should be considered by those who are contemplating remarriage after divorce of the death of a spouse? Or by singles dating those who have been married before? Is the second time around really better, as some love songs portray? Do people really learn from their mistakes and change into ideal mates after they are more experienced with marriage? Unfortunately, the statistics do not bear this out. Divorces from second marriages are more prevalent than divorces from first marriages! Does that mean, then, that once-married people should just forget about ever having a successful marriage? No, not at all. But second marriages are not for the uninformed and immature, especially if children are involved. Are you sure you could be a loving stepparent to someone else's children? These children many times are traumatized by the death of a parent or the breakup of their home. They need extra love and special understanding. Are you up to that? Think about it. Graduations, weddings, holidays - can you share them with a former mate of your mate, or the memory of a mate? You may have to. Know yourself. Some people just can't accept being second in such an intimate relationship as marriage. Any reference to the former mate will be extremely painful to them, and the complexities of a second marriage, especially one that involves children, will be too much for them to bear. But, for those of you who have read this far and still feel you could handle whatever comes your way in a second marriage, how should you approach dating the second time around? Don't rush into a second marriage Dating toward a second marriage is much the same as any other dating. Dating toward marriage is a time to get to know the other person. Talk to one another and get to really know each other before you get serious. Relax and have fun. You may be tempted to get too close too fast, but don't let it happen. Take time to become good friends first. People are different. Some who have been married before find their loneliness so overwhelming that they want to remarry as soon as possible. They tend not to want to spend the time needed to get to really know the person they are dating, or to allow that person to get to know them. Those of you who are tempted to do this, realize that while you may believe you know exactly what you are looking for, and don't need much time to make up your mind, others may not share your timetable. Pressuring someone to "get off the fence" will only worsen the situation. Don't pressure anyone into marriage too soon. It's selfish and certainly not in the best interests of the person you are dating. You're not showing real love when you put your own personal desires above all else, including the person you profess to love. Other once-marrieds shy away from commitments for some time, not allowing any relationship to get too serious. They need time to soothe and heal the shocks and wounds from the ending of their former marriages, for whatever reasons they ended. Many will still "feel married" for some time, and dating may seem like a silly game to them. Discuss your previous marriage If you are the one who has been married, sooner or later you need to talk openly with the one you are interested in about your previous marriage. Don't just focus on your former mate's problems. Look at yourself honestly and see what you have learned. It isn't necessary to tell every detail of why your marriage failed, but it is wise to admit that you made mistakes, too, and show what you have learned from them. Otherwise, how can those who are considering marriage with you know that there won't be a repeat? By the way, singles, if someone tries to lead you to believe that all the problems in a former marriage were the fault of the former mate, beware. No one is perfect. You don't want to marry someone who can only see your faults. You can't change the other person If you are considering marriage and you find the problem in the first marriage of the person you are interested in centered around drink, sex, drugs or any such issues, don't think you can change the person. Such addictions are not changed easily, even by the person with the problem. Let me tell you the story of my friend, Mary (not her real name). Mary was 19 when she met Jim. Jim was five years older and seemed so much more mature than the boys Mary had been dating. Almost immediately after Mary began dating Jim, he began to pressure her into marrying him. Mary, somewhat overwhelmed by Jim's good looks and sophistication, felt flattered that he was so serious about their relationship. Jim told her he had been married before, but that it just didn't work out. Mary was infatuated with Jim. She didn't want to hear about his first wife, so she paid little attention to Jim's vague references to his former marriage. Two or three times in the three months before they married, Mary saw Jim drunk to the point of passing out. But Jim assured her his drinking bouts were caused by the loneliness of divorce, and their marriage would solve that problem. She believed Jim, because Jim believed it himself. He had not admitted to himself that his drinking was a problem. Mary's parents became alarmed when she announced her plans to marry Jim. They knew little about him, and were apprehensive about what they did know. She seemed so young. But Mary was adamant about the marriage, and before Mary's parents could believe it was happening, over a weekend their daughter married and moved to a city some miles away. The next few years were a nightmare for Mary. Jim couldn't hold a job for any length of time because he was an alcoholic. Every few months he would leave home for work in the morning and then not show up again for days. Several children later, after five or six years of misery and longer and longer periods of abandonment by Jim, Mary finally divorced him. The moral of this sad story? Get to know the person you are planning on marrying. Get to know his or her friends and relatives. People many times are not aware of their own problems. And even if they become aware, that's no guarantee they will be able to overcome them. Nor can you make them change. During the dating period is also the time to talk about finances with a prospective mate. Find out about alimony and child support. What about future commitments to educational needs of any children involved? Are there debts to be considered? Will you have to lower your standard of living? If your prospective mate is paying alimony and child support, you may have to live on a limited income, or both you and your mate may have to work to make ends meet. You might not even be able to afford a child of your own. Basic attitudes toward money need to be made known and discussed before marriage. Money problems many times are the primary problems in a second marriage. Dating and children If you are seriously dating a person who has younger children, or if you have children, both of you should get to know the other's children, and the children should get to know one another. Don't think children can be ignored in your relationship. Include the children on an outing occasionally. Before the date, the parent should explain to them that he or she is seriously dating toward marriage, and wants them to get acquainted with the person he or she is considering as a future mate. If the children's natural parent is still living, the children should be told that your date is not going to replace their natural parent, but will become another close relative to love and respect. Tell them that liking this new person is not being disloyal to their natural parent any more than loving their grandparents or aunts or uncles is being disloyal to you. Family love encompasses the entire family. This person will become part of their family. Much of what you say will have to be tempered by the age of the children, but don't expect them to just naturally warm up to this new person in their lives, and immediately love him or her. By the way, if, when you begin seriously dating, you make the mistake of practically deserting your children, spending all your extra time with your new-found love, your children are going to be hurt. Spend time with and talk to your children. Encourage them to express their feelings to you, and be open with them about your need for a mate. If they are involved from the start in your plans to remarry, they aren't as likely to feel abandoned. Don't make the mistake of allowing children to dictate whom you date or marry, however. They should know you are concerned about their feelings, but you have to make the final decision about who would be the best mate for you. Do expect them to treat your date respectfully and courteously at all times. They must learn that when you remarry, this person will become an important part of your life and theirs. Children should know from the beginning that their desires will not supersede those of your mate. Whatever you do, before or after marriage, take care not to run down the natural parent in the eyes of the children. You'll be tempted to compete for their love, or to compete for your prospective mate's love for them. Don't do it. Again, love is not something to be gingerly given out or competed for. They can love and respect their natural parent and they can love and respect you at the same time. Trying to make them love you instead of the natural parent can be devastating to them. These children are an important part of your loved one's life. You may find yourself resenting the time and attention paid them. But you must be able to allow your loved one to love his or her children. It's difficult, if you have not had children, to understand how much sacrifice on the parent's part is necessary in a parent-child relationship. That is why it is so important to make sure that you are ready for this added responsibility before you marry someone with children. Involve God in your decision A couple, whom we'll call Bill and Saundra, were deeply in love and felt they'd dated long enough to know they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. They were financially able, and they knew and liked each other's families. The families knew and approved highly of Bill and Saundra's relationship. Both families were of the same religion, and the couple had counselled about marriage with a minister who knew them well. They had talked about and agreed on future children, finances, where they wanted to live, their respective jobs - what else was there? Bill and Saundra knew they had done all they could do themselves to wisely choose a mate, but they also knew about a scripture that said something about God's involvement in the selection. Notice Proverbs 19:14: "Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife [or husband!] is from the Lord." They felt they had involved God. They had certainly prayed about making the right choice. They decided to step out in faith and go one step further. They prayed that God would remove their rose-colored glasses, that He would allow circumstances to occur that would reveal to them what they didn't know about each other that would most certainly affect their future life together. The next few weeks were rough ones. Everything seemed to go wrong. Bill and Saundra saw traits in each other that they had not dreamed were there. They found themselves disagreeing in ways they had not even considered. They looked at each other and saw each other, truly, for the first time. They wondered if they should call the whole thing off. Bill and Saundra have been married now for several years. They didn't call off their marriage. They saw each other clearly, and they considered the negative traits of character with the good. They decided they could make it as husband and wife - even when problems came along. If more couples involved God the first time around, as Bill and Saundra did, second-time marriages would hardly be necessary. (As long as it is a true relationship with God that BOTH have. Sadly I have known couples where it turned out after marriage, that one of them really did not have a personal relationship with God and Christ. They were to put it bluntly - play-acting - making out they would be religious or adopt the other person's religion. I have known couples where one of them actually got baptized in the other person's church, but soon after marriage, they showed they were not really interested in their mates "church" or even in God and Christ. So caution is needed even in the "religious" part of your life when you think you have found the right mate - better make sure you and the person you plan to marry are BOTH on the same solid rock with your Christianity and/or you both have full RESPECT with your "religious" differences and will conduct your marriage and life around that respect - Keith Hunt) Involve God in your dating toward marriage, whether it is for the first time or the second time around. Then continue to keep Him involved throughout your lives together. Second-time marriages aren't for everyone, but for those who have counted the cost and are willing to make the effort, they can be successful. They take a lot of work and a lot of maturity and a lot of love and a lot of self-sacrifice. But then, what worthwhile relationship doesn't? ................ TO BE CONTINUED WITH MY OVERALL SUMMATION OF ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS ON DATING I'VE EVER READ, CALLED: "Finding the LOVE of your LIFE" by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. This book is well worth every parent having in their home to help educate their children on this matter of dating. Certainly every "church library" should have it. It was published by "Focus on the Family," Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA. It may still be in print. If not, hopefully your Public Library will carry it or obtain it for you through their inter-library loan department - Keith Hunt. Finding the LOVE of your Life Ten Major Principles FINDING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE Outline of the book by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. The sub-title to Warren's book is: TEN PRINCIPLES for Choosing the Right marriage partner. From the "Introduction" For more than 25 years I have worked with people ... people struggling to make their marriages successful. I have encountered couples with nearly every kind of relationship, and over time I have developed a whole set of conclusions about what determines the degree of happiness in a marriage. At the TOP of the list is this one: Your choice of whom to marry is more crucial than everything else combines that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed ... Most of the failed marriages I have encountered were in trouble the day they began. The two people involved simply chose the wrong person to marry ... Why do some individuals choose their "life-long" partner so poorly? Because they have received almost NO instruction about HOW to do it well. CHAPTER ONE - Eliminate the Seven Most Prevalent Causes of Faulty Mate Selection 1. The Decision to Get Married is Made Too Quickly. 2. The Decision is Made at Too Young an Age. 3. One or Both Persons are Too Eager to be Married. 4. One of Both may be Choosing a Mate to Please Someone Else. 5. The Experience Base is Too Narrow. 6. The Couple has Unrealistic expectations. 7. One or Both may have Unaddressed significant Personal or Behavior Problems. CHAPTER TWO - Develop a Clear Mental Image of Your Ideal Spouse includes: "The Person of my Dreams" verses "The Person I can Attract" What Specifically do you Want in a Mate? Personality - Intelligence - Appearance - Ambition - Chemistry - Spirituality - Character - Creativity - Parenting - Authenticity CHAPTER THREE - Find a Person to Love who is a Lot Like You includes: Similarity Is Critical - Every Similarity is an Asset - Similarities are Harder to come by these Days - What Similarities are Absolutely essential? - Differences that Spell Trouble - Qualities of Your Partner You can't Assess - The Personality Trait that Covers a Multitude of Differences - Do Opposites attract? - 50 Item list of Helpful marriage Similarities CHAPTER FOUR - Get Yourself Healthy before You get Yourself Married includes: A Biblical Case in Point - The Foundation of Mental Health - Neurotics and Sociopaths - Five Other Key Problems - So what does it mean to be Emotionally Healthy - How Can You become Healthy if You're Not healthy Now CHAPTER FIVE - Find a Love You can Feel deep in Your heart - and Express it Carefully includes: The Purpose Behind the Passion - Evaluating "Like" verses "Love" - Passionate Love can Make or Break a Relationship - Principles for Expressing Passionate Love CHAPTER SIX - Let Passionate Love Mature before You Decide to Marry includes: Why Most relationships don't Survive when Passion Fades - Some Couples stay together but go Nowhere - What does Compassionate Love Look Like? - How can a Couple Develop Companionate Love? CHAPTER SEVEN - Master the Art of Intimacy includes: Why doesn't Intimacy happen very Often? - Self-Discovery: The First step towards Intimacy - Intimacy requires a Desire to Know Others - Intimacy involves shared Emotions and experiences - When is Intimacy likely to Happen? - Intimacy helps you assess Your relationship - CHAPTER EIGHT - Learn how to clear conflict from the Road of Love includes: Can Conflict actually contribute to a Marriage? - The Foundational Secret of Successful Conflict Resolution - Five simple techniques for the Mastery of Conflict - The most Common ways to Mismanage conflict - Why do Some couples benefit from Conflict, while Others are Destroyed by it? CHAPTER NINE - Refuse to proceed Until You can genuinely Pledge your Lifelong Commitment includes: What does Commitment Really Mean? - Has Marriage Commitment been taken seriously in our culture? - Has the Meaning of Commitment been Misunderstood? The Role of Willpower - It is Often Hard to Keep your Commitment? - The Time to Think about Commitment - Can you ever know enough to Commit yourself for a Lifetime? - Some awful Questions about Commitment - What are the Benefits of Commitment? CHAPTER TEN - Celebrate your Marriage with the Full support of family and Friends includes: The Role of Parents and friends in Selecting a Mate - Why is it so Important to have the Strong support of your family and Friends? - Winning the Approval of Potential stepchildren - What do You do if the Opinion of your Parents or friends differs from Your Own? - Parents and Friends Can be Very Wrong - Sometimes Parents are Right: Sometimes they're Not - What if Parents and Friends are Certain about your Choice but You are Not? - "We think You and Jon are Wonderful for each Other!" CONCLUSION includes: Is there Hope? - The Principles are Crystal Clear - These Principles are Demanding - Love in an Enduring Relationship is the Finest Prize ................... NOTE: I would say the book "Finding the LOVE of your LIFE" by Neil Warren, Ph.D. is one of the finest books, if not THE finest book, on the subject of how to find the right mate. First published by "Focus on the Family" Colorado Springs, CO. USA. Distributed in the USA and Canada by "Word Books," Dallas, Texas. Written in 1992. Maybe it is still in print. If not, hopefully your Public Library will have it or can obtain it for you through their Inter-Library Loan Department. It is a MUST read for singles, and should if possible be in every church library - Keith Hunt How do I KNOW it is Love? Here are the Keys! WHEN IS IT LOVE? HOW CAN I KNOW IT IS LOVE? by Keith Hunt Many years ago there was a popular song called "True Love" that started, "I give to you and you give to me, true love, true love. For you and I have a guardian angel on high with nothing to do, but to give to you and to give to me love forever true." There have been countless songs written about love -- strong love, never-ending love, never-fading love, between two people. Maybe these songs had more meaning twenty or thirty years ago. Is true love a thing of the past? Is it possible today to find true love? What is it, anyway? Can you be sure you know what true love really is? First let's look at what LOVE is not! LOVE is not spelled L-U-S-T. There is a difference between LUST and LOVE. It's easy to confuse the two terms. The dictionary defines LUST AS "a strong, urgent desire to possess, as a lust for gold; impure desire; to have a very strong desire...." LOVE is described as "warm and tender attachment... passionate devotion, strong liking ... to delight in...." Some of the phrases used to describe love and lust are similar, but there is a big difference. In magazines and newspapers many of the advertisements use the embracing of two people to catch your eye! Book covers leave little to the imagination. A young man may say, "I had a girl out last night and LOVED her up." Newspaper headlines read, "TWO DIE IN KEEPING LOVE TRYST." Movie placards scream, "LET'S MAKE LOVE." A song title pleads, "LET ME LOVE YOU TONIGHT." Or how about the suggestion in the song "We're Not Too Young to Love?" All of these examples suggest that if a person excites you, it must be LOVE. You are bombarded with T.V; radio; and records; that try to convince you that lust is love. You are told from all sides that passion and thrills is real love, that the tingle that goes up and down your spine by the way he or she walks or smiles is the real thing -- that's love! You are led to believe that you fall in love--much like a fall into a pit -- SUDDENLY! One day you are not in love, and the next day - BAM!! Some person enters your life and you are in LOVE! There IS physical attraction in true love, but it is not everything. You must also consider character and personality and not be unduly swayed by appearance. It is possible to have an immediate attraction with a certain magnetism toward another, but be very careful that you do not let your heart rule your mind. You may be in for a big surprise, if you don't take your time and consider all aspects of the person you have been smitten by! TAKE TIME TO GET TO KNOW THE INDIVIDUAL. Now let us consider what LOVE is: The finest amplification of LOVE is found in 1 Cor.13:4-13 (LIVING BIBLE translation). "Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not: demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does NOT hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him. "All the special gifts and powers from Cod will someday come to an end, but love goes on forever. Someday prophecy, and speaking in unknown languages, and special knowledge -- these gifts will. disappear. Now we know so little, even with our special gifts, and the preaching of those most gifted is still so poor .... There are three things that remain -- FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE -- and the greatest of these is LOVE." Let LOVE be your aim. The first attribute of love is PATIENCE. Oh, how hard it is to be patient, to take your time to find the right person for you! When you're fourteen or fifteen, you think life is passing you by if you are not "GOING STEADY." The biggest mistake that can be made by a young person is to become paired off. Do not fall into the trap that is set for you and ready to spring. Keep your teen-age years for increasing your knowledge and enjoying yourself with many others in groups and activities. NEVER, NEVER allow yourself to become involved with another person in steady dating when you're still in your younger to middle teen years. There is a Chinese proverb that has been adopted by all, "TOO SOON OLD, TOO LATE SMART!" This is so true! Ask anyone who married young if he or she would do it over again and their answer will invariably be "NO. I wish I had waited" -- or, "If only I'd known." Yes there are exceptions to the rule, just about any rule. And I know if you have studied from this Website long enough or just came across it on your own, it is true that in the time of our Lord's life on earth, it was the custom for the Jewish population at the time, to marry young, while in their teenage years. But that was a much different society back then. Different is outlook, different in parenting, different in its school systems. Teenagers in Jesus' society were much more mature at a much earlier age than in OUR society. In the Western world today, you are not looked upon as an adult until at least 18 years of age. Even then many (most - according to the latest statistics) are waiting to marry till their middle to latter 20s. There is another factor to consider, and that is the fact that statistics show that teen-age marriages are more likely to end up in the divorce court. So why take the chance of being a divorce statistic? Give yourself a better chance at having a successful marriage by being patient. The second attribute of love is to be KIND. Are you kind in all your relationships? The dictionary defines "kind" as "doing good, friendly, sympathetic, fond, affectionate, loving characteristics or attitude." This is a tall order -- to be KIND! The third attribute of love is that it is never JEALOUS. Jealousy is such an insidious foe. It is a powerful force that must be reckoned with. No one wants to lose the one he Loves. When a person threatens our relationship, (or seems to) we grow anxious, concerned, suspicious, resentful, fearful -- the whole gamut of emotional responses that we call JEALOUSY. Often we suppress the feelings of jealousy and try to ignore them, but it is better to ask WHY? Sometimes jealous feelings are a reflection of insecurity within. Try to analyze why you are insecure and do something constructive to remedy the situation. Some girls worry about not being clever enough, and they do nothing about it but worry, when the answer is to act -- do something about it. Take a course that will increase your knowledge and build your self-esteem. Most average Schools today will give girls the opportunity to acquire the same amount of "knowledge" as boys. Then again there is knowledge and there is "knowledge" if you get what I mean. If you study from this Website, you'll get a lot of the right kind of knowledge (if you apply it of course). To interject for a moment. Some "school systems" .... well I find them "strange" to say the least. I once had a 14 year old young lady taking guitar lessons with me. At one lesson she was telling me about the "math" she was having to take at school. It was math that I'd never heard of. Her parents had to hire a math tutor to come in twice a week in their home, to get their daughter through this math course. I said to her, "Natasha, you may as well stop trying to explain this math to me. I haven't a clue what you are talking about. Does your school expect or want all of you to work for the Space Program?" She was to say the least very frustrated with school at that juncture of her life. So there is knowledge and there is knowledge. You need to acquire true knowledge as well as ceratin academic knowledge that will lead you towards what life in the working world. Back to our main thought. We need to realize that no one can meet all the needs of the person he loves, and vice versa. We need to have faith in God -- and set aside jealousy and replace it with confidence. The fourth attribute of love is that it does NOT ENVY. The word "envy" can also include COVETING, which is forbidden in the TEN COMMANDMENTS. Someone who envies or covets the good fortune of another is breeding discontent, resentment, and even hatred. You can imagine the harvest that he/she will reap! The fifth attribute of love is that it is not BOASTFUL OR PROUD. To boast is to brag, exaggerate and praise one's self or accomplishments. Teamed up with pride we see emerging a picture of a vain, insolent, overbearing individual. A person who is truly loving will not exemplify these characteristics, but will be of a humble, contrite spirit. The sixth attribute of love is that it is NEVER HAUGHTY, SELFISH OR RUDE. A haughty person is motivated by the feeling that he is superior to others -- more important -- and has a domineering and insulting way. The selfish individual is chiefly and solely interested in NUMBER ONE -- SELF! A rude person is also caring too much for self and too little for others -- he is not courteous. In fact many people have forgotten what the word "courteous" means. Have you seen very many men holding the car door open for ladies? People who are truly loving will think first of others and be mannerly, considerate and kind. The seventh attribute of love is that it is NOT DEMANDING. If you are loving, then you will not demand your own way. Do you have to tell everyone that you're the BOSS around here? Or do they look to you with love and respect? Most people follow their leader. Are you worthy of a following? The eighth attribute of love is that it is NOT IRRITABLE OR TOUCHY. "Irritable" implies that someone is impatient, easily annoyed over little things, and can become angry at the slightest excuse. A touchy person is irritable, peevish,and takes offense at the least provocation -- he is entirely too sensitive. If this describes you then you need the LOVE OF GOD to change your attitude and life. The ninth attribute of love is that it does NOT HOLD GRUDGES. To hold a grudge is to feel anger and dislike toward another. In Eph.4:26, we are advised never to let the sun go down on our wrath (anger), because that would be giving the devil a foothold on us. If you really love, then you will not even take notice (most of the time - serious wrongs towards you are to be handled as Jesus instructed and are covered in my studies "Offending and Being Offended") when others do you wrong, let alone keep meditating on it. Learn to say, "I forgive!" The tenth attribute of LOVE is that it that it practices JUSTICE AND LOYALTY. We are fair, and true, and faithful to our promises, duties or obligations? These attributes are so important a commitment between two people. The eleventh attribute of LOVE is that it has THREE DIMENSIONS. There are numerous definitions of love -- fond or tender feeling, affection, etc. These may be grouped into three basic categories of love. Just as there are different dimensions to our personalities (spiritual, psychological, and physical), so we have sex, "eros" and "agape". The sexual aspect of love may be only lust or sensual desire, totally selfish and experienced only for the excitement or experience, not taking into consideration that there is more to love than sexual impulse with no discipline or control. We need to learn "the art of love" as something willed and planned by God, not to be exploited or hidden in a hush-hush manner. We must add "EROS," which is an activity of the human spirit between two people. It never aims at satisfying merely individual desire, but is concerned with the other person as a whole -- body, mind, and spirit. Now we shall add the third dimension, "AGAPE," which is the spiritual aspect of love. Sex has its centre of gravity in the ego -- SELF; "eros" has its centre in -- WE TWO the human couple; "agape" has its centre beyond the human -- the DIVINE. While "eros" produces passion and ecstasy it is "agape" love that produces loyalty and faithfulness between a couple and is the basis for friendship. We need each part to make the whole complete. Sex without love is self-centered. It is damaging to your self-esteem and it is deadly to the spiritual dimension of your personality. The union of two people as one flesh is the deepest communication one can experience. It should be the culmination and expression of total love. People who just "sleep around" or flit from one to another never experience the intimate, ecstatic closeness that comes to couples who wait for the marriage commitment. To really satisfy the emotional needs of your partner, you must be concerned for his or her welfare and future. Linking the three aspects of love means choosing between sensual enjoyment and peace of soul. You must have the "agape" love. When you commit your life to GOD, your love for each other will grow to magnificent heights and, like a stool with three legs, will stand firmly. Without this third aspect of love, you will topple over! Or you will be prone to topple over more easily. "And now abideth three things -- FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE." SIGNS OF LOVE - SIGNS OF LOVE - YES THERE ARE SIGNS !! Now let's get down to specifics. How can we know when we are in love? 1. ABIDING SENSE OF COMRADESHIP: Sweethearts are real pals. Over a period of months they have learned to share many interests and good times together, doing a variety of things. They enjoy being together more than being with anyone else, although others are not excluded from their lives. In fact, a strange phenomenon takes place -- they find themselves enjoying activities which they never enjoyed before! For example, a girl will take interest in football or hockey or baseball, because her man enjoys it. Or he will attend a concert or the ballet with her and find out to his surprise that he enjoyed himself. When they are absent from one another, they anticipate being together to share their thoughts. There is an eagerness to see things from the other person's point of view. They find great satisfaction in the "we" feeling. When opposite viewpoints arise, they show a spirit of thoughtfulness in either accepting the other's view or reaching an acceptable compromise. They are at ease in each other's company, and no hypocrisy or airs are needed. They are themselves and they are not afraid to express themselves and share their innermost thoughts. Knowing that God created men and women to complement each other, they are satisfied mentally, emotionally and physically that they have chosen the right person to share their life, the one they want to be their sweetheart, friend, companion, and mate. 2. FEELING THAT LIFE HAS BEEN LIFTED TO HIGHER LEVELS: Sweethearts realize that each brings out the best in the other. They encourage and inspire each other to greater achievement, higher virtues, a greater sense of honor, respect and loyalty. They feel free to share their goals, ambitions, and aspirations with each other. Their loved one is the "apple of their eye." Their greatest aim is to please, help, and give happiness to the other because they respect, admire, and appreciate the other. All that they do lifts the other to higher levels. When you observe older couples who have been together for decades you will notice that each brings out the best in the other. They inspire and plainly make the other happy. Each unselfishly lifts the partner to higher ground. A tremendous example of a long-term marriage is the famous KING OF THE COWBOYS, Roy Rogers, and his wife Dale Evans (both now sleeping in death). Their marriage endured in sickness and health, and in sorrow and happiness. You can observe that they respected each other in their book about their lives. I quote Roy, "..marriage and book writing are fifty-fifty propositions" (page 17). "She (Dale) had become an inspiration to us all without even knowing it. All I had to do when I felt myself falling into a state of being tired or discouraged by all that needed to be done was to look to her energy and enthusiasm and draw strength from her" (page 150). "Dale worked with God to bring me something I had longed for all my life, ....I guess if we spend another thirty years together I'll still find myself amazed at the lady." Now quoting Dale, "I have never been prouder of my husband." (page 156). "I could read him like a book." (page 361). "...I have never met a more giving person." page 113). About both Dale and Roy, "Together, they stand as a solid example of what the family unit is supposed to be and as a steadfast witness to the faith that has sustained them" (page 207). And may I add that they were a tremendous example for us to follow. They shared their faith, and all the major goals of their lives were mutually agreed upon. Their work was also a shared experience. So many of the HOLLYWOOD MARRIAGES end in divorce due to the partners being separated while on location. The same thing can happen to any marriage if the work of the partners separates the couple unduly. It is pretty hard to lift your spouse to higher levels if you are thousands of miles apart. If you must be apart for any length of time, remember to telephone each other -- keep those lines of communication open! Usually, during the courtship years (to the consternation of the parents), the telephone calls are long and often! You want to share every detail of your day. The couple who make life an adventure in companionship will strengthen each other's character. They will inspire each other, which will increase their relationship in quality, depth, and stability. 3. SELF-RESTRAINT AND PATIENCE: The young couple who think they are in love may well ask, Are we impatient with each other? Love is defined as being patient. Any two people will have their differences, which they can discuss without becoming impatient or angry. The couple who frequently disagree and often become embroiled in quarrels will not change when they become married. The wedding vows do not magically make a quarrelsome couple into a loving, kind and patient pair. Some time ago, there was a young man who became engaged to marry a girl, although in his father's words, they fought like cat and dog (I worked with the father of the young man). They were at each other most of the time -- quarrelling and impatient -- even during their courtship and engagement. But they went ahead and married anyway, probably hoping they could change each other and have a happy marriage. This is very unrealistic and dangerous -- to contemplate changing your mate after marriage. IT VERY SELDOM WORKS! This young couple found that out, and after three miserable years, they separated and divorced. This is not what God intended for us. Seek guidance from those who know! Your parents, pastor, and friends can give you invaluable counsel as you contemplate one of the most serious decisions of your entire life. 4. SIMILARITY OF IDEALS: The young person who feels he or she is in love will do well to ask himself or herself WHY DO I LOVE THIS PERSON? Do I love the WHOLE person, his or her philosophy, ideals, and thoughts? True, lasting love is a meeting of minds, not just bodies! In fact, the meeting of minds and personality in friendship, cooperation and comradeship is far more important than the meeting of bodies, as all happily married couples will attest. This is not to say that sex is not important in love and marriage, but remember that the act of sexual love is the end result, culmination, or summit that is experienced by two people who have grown in love. Like attracts like. You join a club (swimming, tennis, stamp collecting, book club, etc.) because you have something in common with individuals with like interests and ideas. When you have chosen to spend your life with another person, you have joined an elite little club consisting of TWO! These two should share the same basic interests and goals, although no two will be exactly alike in all ways, tastes, ideas, and interests. It would be a dull world if we were! There may be differences, but they should not be major ones that you can't adapt yourself to. In other words, you must not say, "That's O.K. I'll change that later!" There is only one person you can change, and that is YOURSELF. Remember that. It is an impossible task to change another -- only God can do that, by His power and conversion. Many people have experienced dramatic changes in their lives, but it was God who made the change! Often, people of totally different faiths have tried to say, "It doesn't matter. Our love will live above these differences!" But as time goes on, and the years roll by, they discover that these differences are damaging to the foundation of their marriage - likewise for an atheist and Christian, or a Communist and an advocate of free enterprise. How about a non-smoker and a smoker? Or the drinker and the non-drinker? Believe me you would be wise to find a person who has the same convictions. If you desire harmony and unity, you must be realistic in your evaluation of your basic interests and determine whether it is infatuation or true love that is motivating you. 5. CONFIDENCE AND TRUST: Two persons in love learn that they can count on each other at all times. Think twice before dating and especially marrying an untrustworthy person. The individual who does not keep his word, tells untruths, or is deceptive can not be trusted, and cannot give true love. This type of relationship will not be lasting. No one is perfect. It's true that there will be times of misunderstanding and times to forgive and forget. But in the main, true love between two people has CONFIDENCE AND TRUST. These are the ingredients that bind the couple in unity and build a strong foundation! 6. KINDNESS AND COURTESY: Are these traits something of the past ages? Or can we still find GENTLEMEN today, in every sense of the word? "It takes two to Tango," as the saying goes. Women who act independent and ungrateful can hardly expect their men to behave courteously! I know of a husband who had gotten out of the habit of opening the car door for his wife. They decided one day that from then on he would open the car door for her, as he had done during their courtship. One day he hopped out of the car and was almost to the building when he realized that his wife was still patiently sitting in the car. She waited for him to come back, and like a shining knight in armor, he ran back and graciously opened the car door for her. You may think this example is a little "extreme" - we have gotten so far away from such ways of living between husband and wife, or even in our courtships, many may laugh at the example, or think it mighty strange. Some may wonder, "Do some couples really live like that, and do such things for each other." But yes, well indeed they USED TO, in an age back when ... to many that must have been in the "stone age." Many of the SMALL things can be really BIG THINGS in establishing love, and keeping love burning. There are MANY little things a man and woman can do for the other in the area of kindness and courtesy. You just have to be willing to think of them and DO them! Too often, women have been guilty of rushing ahead and not allowing their men to show courtesy. Even though much has been said about WOMEN'S LIB and women's rights, be assured that women still appreciate a true -- gentleman, and gentlemen in turn appreciate a true lady! Yes, they do, deep down they do, it makes life a little sweeter. Think about have nice it is to work with people who are friendly, kind, thoughtful, and courteous. Hopefully you have experienced it. Then think about the times when you may have had to work with people who are un-friendly, impatient, rude, and not a bit courteous. Do you get the picture? When dating, some persons have shown contempt or sarcasm and have given the impression that their dates were "stupid" or "dumb." For some reason, a few dates tolerate this treatment, but it is foolish to become serious with a person who does not understand the basics of courteous behavior. If your partner does not show signs of courtesy before marriage, you can be sure it will not - by some magical formula - appear after marriage! Better by far to make sure that your love has lots of kindness and courtesy before you marry. 7. PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: Real love is more than being attracted to a beautiful or handsome face or body. Some put beauty as number one in their criteria for choosing a date. But be assured that looks are just skin deep. The person should have good character, honesty, and kindness. Too often, the sad tale is told of people of great beauty not being the greatest marriage partner. I can remember in my life meeting or working around females who were physically VERY attractive on the outside, but being around them for even only a short time, and WOW! I could only feel sorry for their husband, or if they did not have one, or a boy friend, I could understand why. Of course this applies on the other foot also. Some men I've known have been "handsome and dashing, butter melting in their mouth" on the outside, but ... I think you know ... yes, felt sorry for their wives or girl-friends. In the Bible, you will read many stories of true love -- for Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and Rachel, Zechariah and Elizabeth. Physical "looks" is okay you know ... when ... God made men and women. Some women and some men are indeed very physically attractive. Nothing wrong per se in that, if that's how you were put together. Then of course sad to say some just do not look after themselves in the physical part of life, food, exercise, sleep, grooming, and just become very "un- attractive" to look at. The physical is there and I certainly am not trying to take away that part of the equation in this issue of mating and marriage. We just need to remember there is MUCH MORE to LOVE and finding the right mate than the outward form of a person. For an in-depth look at the word of God in regard to LOVE, read the SONG OF SOLOMON in several translations. You will be surprised that God does not frown on physical beauty and attraction. There is nothing wrong in making yourself look your very best. Physical attraction is a PART of true love. The most important thing, though, is to have a beautiful, contrite nature of mind that exhibits the fruits of the Spirit of God. NOW THAT personal fruit, the Lord can bless, and can provide you with the love of your life in due time. .................. First written 1983, revised and updated 2007