THROUGH THE BiBLE— SONG OF SOLOMON #3b

Solomon on the Song of SONGS!

In the Bridal Chamber

 

CONTINUED

COMMENT

Bedroom atmosphere

     As Shulamith gazes upon the cedar beamed ceiling in the new
bridal chamber (1:17) she must feel touched by Solomon's
creativity and thoughtfulness. Where does cedar grow in
Palestine? In Lebanon! Solomon was trying to do something any
married couple should consider: creating a bedroom with
atmosphere.
     Their bedroom created a "world-apart" atmosphere to which
they could escape. Many wives decorate their bedrooms as if they
were trying to impress the neighbors rather than create an
atmosphere for their married love. On the other hand, some wives
spend hours decorating the living room, kitchen, and the
children's rooms. But "no one will see the bedroom," they say, so
why spend all that time and money? Your husband will see! Have
you even considered creating an atmosphere conducive to romance
for you and your husband?
     In many homes, the bedroom becomes the household "garbage
dump." When guests come for dinner, all the unfolded laundry,
clothes baskets, and other debris is cast behind the bedroom door
so the living room appears spotless. On a daily bass the average
bedroom is often cluttered with perfume bottles, hair spray cans
decorate the dresser tops, and if there is a desk, don't open it
or the entire contents will spill out onto the floor. REAL
ATMOSPHERE!

     Many things could be done to enhance your bedroom's romantic
atmosphere. Some couples like fur bedspreads and a wood-beamed
ceiling. A number of couples have testified to the new vitality
introduced to their love life by a water bed. Others prefer a
four-posted bed and softly quilted comforter; some desire a
coordinated effect with matching drapes, wallpaper and bedspread.
What you like is what is right for you! Together you should
decide what you would like your love hide-a-way to look like and
then get busy making it just that!
     Solomon's and Shulamith's bed was no doubt covered with silk
sheets. While that is financially out of range for the average
couple unless they are a king and queen, satin sheets add a
delightful feel to the bedroom atmosphere and are not prohibitive
cost-wise. Reserve them for "special occasions" (like when your
husband comes home from a lengthy trip).
     There is no reason why bed room lighting has to be plain old
white light bulbs. If you have extra colored bulbs, such as red,
amber, or blue, in the nightstand drawer, you can change the
entire atmosphere of your love hide-a-way with a simple change of
color. Candlelight is also a fun illumination in the bedroom.
Anyone looks better by candlelight, and what better time to look
your best? A scented candle adds an extra touch. Ferns and other
plants provide a relaxing, warm atmosphere.
     Music can be a real addition to your bedroom atmosphere. Why
not channel the stereo into your love hide-a-way? One man I know
recently surprised his wife by bringing her home after a date
into a bedroom in which the stereo was playing some romantic
music and the room was lit by scented candles. They began to
dance to the music and share their love. As they danced they
gradually disrobed one another and danced and talked in the nude
for about thirty minutes before making love.
     It is this kind of sensitivity and romance that brings the
spiritual dimension of the intimacy of a relationship into the
sexual experience. Too many husbands tend to divorce the physical
aspect of their relationship from a total spiritual and
psychological intimacy.
     Privacy is very important to a romantic bedroom. If at all
possible the master bedroom of your house should be very isolated
from the rest of the house. A lock on the bedroom door is very
important to most wives; total privacy is a key factor in
reducing any inhibitions.

     Both Solomon and his Shulamite bride need a retreat they can
enjoy together to escape from the pressures around them. Solomon
needs an escape from the pressures of state, and his bride needs
the same in view of the pressures involved in being a queen. Your
husband needs an escape from the pressures of work, and you need
a retreat from your work or from the children.

She praised her husband's love skill

     When in 2:3 Shulamith says, "Like an apple tree among the
trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men," she
is complimenting Solomon on his skill in making love. Would that
many twentieth century wives were as wise!
     Frequently in the marriage counseling room a wife will
complain that her husband is routine, unimaginative, and
unromantic in his lovemaking. A basic principle in getting him to
improve is to emphasize what he does right - not what he does
wrong! Skill in lovemaking is probably more intimately connected
with a man's sense of masculine identity than a woman's skill is
related to her feminine identity.

     It is much easier for a woman to establish a sense of sexual
identity than for a man. The basic biological functions of
menstruation, breast development, changes in bodily form, nursing
and bearing children, establish this at an early age. The man, on
the other hand, has only one basic biological identity point as
far as masculinity is concerned: his success in lovemaking. This
is not to say this defines masculinity biblically - not at all!
But it does explain a nearly universally observed difference
between men and women. A man can only establish his identity by
doing something. The woman, on the other hand, receives her
identity passively as her native biological functions mark her so
dearly.
     Some have suggested this is a biological reason why males
tend toward aggressive behavior and females lean toward more
passive behavior. Thus certainly seems to be some truth in this
even though there is no biblical comment on it. If this is true,
it helps explain why a man's sense of masculinity is so intensely
tied to his success as a lover.
     It is extremely important to most men that they feel
successful in giving their wives sexual fulfillment. If he feels
like a sexual failure, it can spill into many other areas of the
marriage. This is why impotence or even premature ejaculation can
be a crushing thing for a man. He takes a lack of response from
his wife in a personal way that many wives fail to understand.
When she doesn't express interest equal to his, he thinks she
considers him a failure as a man. He has not succeeded in a male
function that uniquely defines him as a male. Since a woman
doesn't need sexual intercourse to define her as female, she
might view her husband's reactions to her lack of interest as
"childish."
     If you want your husband to act like a man, make him feel
like one! Continually compliment him on what a good lover he is.
Anything he does right, let him know! Furthermore, pray that the
Lord will give you a response pattern that perfectly complements
your man. The extent to which you can make him feel like a
success in his lovemaking affects his aggressiveness and
self-confidence in the business world, his sense of masculinity,
and his motivation to take over spiritual leadership in the home!

What are the limits?

     My wife recently taught a seminar to about two hundred women
on this subject of "How to be a Creative Counterpart." The last
one and one-half hours of this two-day seminar deal with the
biblical view of sex in marriage.
     At the conclusion of the session, she passed out slips of
paper and asked the women to write down any unanswered questions
they didn't feel she had covered. One lady asked, "What are the
limits God sets on sexual play between a husband and a wife? How
far should I let my husband go?"
     Her use of the word "let" is a sad comment on the vitality
of their sexual life. (It kind of reminds you of high school,
doesn't it?) It implies she is the keeper of the "sacredness" of
sex while valiantly resisting the unsacred pressure of her
husband. But her question often comes up. Three biblical
principles would be helpful for each couple in setting their own
"limits."

     First, unselfish love must be the motive. This is clearly
the thrust of 1 Cor.13:4-7. Love turns to lust when a man or
woman is obsessed by a particular form of sexual expression, when
he or she can no longer be happy without it. I'm speaking here of
forms of sexual expression other than sexual intercourse, such as
the oral genital love mentioned above (2:3). Paul says,
"Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is
beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be
mastered by anything:' (1 Cor.6:12).
     There is another aspect of the notion of unselfish love. Is
your motive simply to use your mate for your own pleasure, or is
your motive to bring him, or her, pleasure? Ask yourself that
question the next time you want to insist on a particular form of
sexual expression that does not appeal to your mate.

Secondly, it must be based on mutual agreement. Consider Phil.
2:1-4 in this regard:

     If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,
     if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the
     Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy
     complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being
     one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish
     ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others
     better than yourselves.... Each of you should look not only
     to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
     Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

     I once taught a Bible study on the Song of Solomon and after
hearing my exposition of Song 2:3, one husband went home to his
wife and said, "There! It's in the Bible so now you must do it!"
He had totally missed the point.
     The fact that some particular form of sexual expression is
found in Scripture does not make it right for every couple. This
will be stressed over and over again throughout the pages of this
book. The issue is mutual agreement. The Bible is silent as to
the question of limits. Each husband and wife are free before the
Lord to work out pleasurable and meaningful forms of sexual play
as long as they are within general biblical principles.
     Many of the characteristics of Solomon's and Shulamith's
relationship simply would not be in "character" for your
relationship. Fine. God doesn't ask anyone to be something they
are not. He does, however, ask us to work on our negative
attitudes and try to be what our mate wants within the limits of
our own personality. Thus, everything in this book will not apply
to everyone.

     The third biblical criterion for "limits" is quite simply,
mutual submission. This seems an appropriate application of Eph.
5:21, "... and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."
While sexual relationships are certainly not in Paul's mind when
he makes this statement, would not this verse apply here also? If
it does, then a basis of limits would be your mate's desires.
If a wife prefers certain forms of sexual expression and her
husband is hesitant or unwilling to meet her needs, he should
work on his attitudes. Likewise, a wife who refuses to consider
some particular form of sexual expression desired by the husband
violates this principle of "mutual submission."
Obviously, our submission to Christ is not a "duty" but is in a
spirit of joyful obedience. Once the great breadth of biblical
"limits" are realized, it is proper to work on one's inner
attitude to become all your mate desires. Obviously, immoral
activities like wife-swapping are excluded from this principle of
"mutual submission" by numerous other Scriptures.

They had a freedom of communication

     A lady came in for counseling concerning some of the
physical aspects of her marriage. Her concern was that in twenty
years of marriage, she had never had an orgasm.
     The counselor's first question was, "Have you and your
husband ever really talked about this?"
"No," she replied.
"Well, have you ever explained to your husband exactly what you
would like him to do to stimulate you?"
"No," she said, with quite a bit of emotion. "Why not?" the
counselor probed.
"Well, we just don't talk about it."

     This dear lady had been experiencing twenty years of tension
because "we just don't talk about it." She had been doubting
herself as a woman and her husband doubted himself as a man
because he wasn't able to bring his wife to an orgasm. Untold
hurt, emotional pain, and frozen communication barriers had been
experienced all because "we just don't talk about it." (In
Appendix 1, some helpful suggestions are given from a biblical
and medical viewpoint toward overcoming orgasmic dysfunction, but
communication based on mutual love and understanding is
foundational.)

     Notice the lovers in this chapter are very vocal in
describing one another's charms (1:15,16), in describing the
sexual pleasure the other is giving (2:3-5), and in describing
what they want each other to do to stimulate them (2:6). Your
partner may not know what you like unless you tell him or her.
Don't keep your mate guessing, upset because he or she doesn't
please you as you would like. Tell your mate exactly what pleases
you, and let your mate take it from there.

Do not awaken sexual passion until "it pleases"

     Shulamith does an amazing thing from the point of view of
today's attitudes about sex. She emphatically warns the daughters
of Jerusalem not to become sexually involved with any man other
than the one they intend to marry. This warning for maintaining
chastity is repeated in 3:5 and 8:4; thus we know God wants us to
pay special attention to it. Why is the warning regarding
pre-marital sex interjected here, in the midst of the love scene?
Possibly because as she describes the beauty and freedom of love
on the wedding night, she associates that freedom with
pre-marital chastity. Thus a beautiful ethical setting for their
wedded love is provided. Sexual love is only intended for one
partner - the one God leads you to marry - and no one else.
     As an orthodox Jewish girl she was raised in a home where
pre-marital chastity was stressed (4:12, 8:8-12), yet she seems
to have nothing but a healthy, positive attitude about sex in
marriage. 
     Sex education in the home is often an attitude communicated
by the parents rather than actual information or rules regarding
sexual behavior. Thus, a home with very specific standards will
not produce children with negative attitudes about sex as long as
the attitudes on sex and the spirit of the physical relationship
between the parents is healthy. A child often picks up attitudes
about sex from the spirit emitted by the parents.

     It seems some evangelical Christians need to readjust their
attitudes on sex along biblical lines. Not long ago an
evangelical magazine had a cover photo of a young husband and his
pregnant wife walking together down a beach. Believe it or not,
many letters came to the editor expressing moral indignation and
shock, threatening to cancel their subscriptions. The cover was
considered "suggestive."
     When another magazine described a major denomination's
report on sexuality, which included an affirmation that sex is
fun, a woman wrote in to imply it was virtual blasphemy to call
sex "fun" when God meant it to be "sacred."
     Unfortunately some Christian wives tend to view sex as a
duty, as something to be endured as part of being submissive to
their husbands. They would never call sex evil because they
believe the Bible and know God created sex. But, on the other
hand, to call it 'joy' is just too much. Therefore, they settle
on the word "sacred," at the same fime giving the impression its 
something highly undesirable, a hush-hush subject one doesn't
talk or think about.

     The Song of Solomon calls for some radical rethinking of the
"Christian" view of sex in marriage. In this beautiful love story
the twentieth century couple can find many points of contact with
their marriage experience. Let's turn our attention in the next
chapter to a Christian view of engagement as we glimpse
Shulamith's reflections of their date life.

                            ...................

To be continued with "A Time for Preporation."