SONG OF SOLOMON——
SOLVING SEXUAL PROBLEMS 1b
THE RETURN OF SOLOMON
(Reflection #11, Song 6:4-10) In the interlude between their problem (5:2-8) and its solution (7:1-8:13), two fundamental attitudes are revealed. In the proceeding reflection we see Shulamith concentrating on his strengths. Now, in this reflection the poet directs us to another crucial ingredient in resolving marital tension; we must learn to respond to insult with blessing. As this scene opens, Solomon returned. He praises her beauty and gives her assurance of his exclusive love for her. Consistently throughout the Song, Solomon is an excellent example. Whatever tensions may have developed in their relationship (5:4-6), they do not appear to affect Solomon's expression of love and praise fro her. Most husbands, when rebuffed after making a sexual overture to their wives, tend to withdraw into a shell or react in a "cutting" way. But Solomon demonstrates true love, always responding properly, and lovingly demonstrates much patience and confidence in the LORD to work things out. 6:4 SOLOMON: You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, As lovely as Jerusalem, Tirzah was an old Canaanite city famous for its beauty and renowned as the royal residence of kings after Solomon died. Shulamith is from a higher mountainous region of the North, and Tirzah is located in the mountains of the North also. As awesome as an army with banners. Why is Shulamith as awesome as an army in full battle array? Because she has exerted upon Solomon a fearful power with her beautiful eyes that pierce his heart and vanquish all resistance. 6:5 SOLOMON: Turn your eyes away from me, For they have confused me; One penetrating glance from her eyes causes Solomon's heart to melt. Solomon then launches into a repeat of her beauties expressed on the wedding night (4:1-7). Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Gilead (see 4:1). 6:6 SOLOMON: Your teeth are a flock of ewes Which have come up from their washing, All of which bear twins, And not one among them has lost her young (see 4:2). 6:7 SOLOMON: Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate Behind your veil (see 4:3). Note the fact that the praise Solomon gives her here is almost exactly identical to that which he bestowed upon her on their wedding night (4:1-3). In effect, Solomon seems to say, "Nothing has changed. Regardless of how you respond toward me, this does not affect the love I have for you. I still view you as I always have, even though in some points your performance has not been up to the standards that I would desire." To adopt this kind of attitude shows Solomon truly loves her as Christ loves the church (Eph.5:25). Christ loves us consistently regardless of how we perform. That does not mean the Shulamite should not improve her performance if it needs improving, just as we need to improve our performance in our relationship to Christ. But she should not be under a law to perform in order to gain acceptance. Consider 1 Peter 3:7 in this connection. You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way.... The verb translated "live with" is consistently translated in Septuagint translation of the Old Testament as "have sexual intercourse with" (Deut.22:13; 24:1; 21:13; 22:22; 25:5; Isaiah 62:5; Gen.20:3). The phrase "an understanding way" implies acquiring knowledge and insight through a process of personal investigation. Thus an interpretive and expanded paraphrase of the verse might read: You husbands likewise, have sexual intercourse with your wife in a way that is based upon insight gathered from personal investigation of her needs. Then in this connection consider 1 Pet. 3:9: Not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. Part of having a sexual relationship with your mate in an understanding way is not to respond with insult when hurt, but to respond with blessing - with love and appreciation for his or her strong qualities. Solomon's ego was undoubtedly severely slapped when she refused love, but he reciprocated by praising her and seeking her best instead of responding to insult. Many husbands are concerned with how to get their wives to be more sexual and aggressive. A sure way to hinder them is to respond with insult when they do not perform the way they are supposed to. This simply drives a wedge into the relationship, ultimately leading to complete loss of interest on the wife's part and causing greater sexual problems. Note the promise in 3:10 to the husband and wife if they respond properly: For let him who means to LOVE LIFE and see good days refrain his tongue from evil ... If you want things to improve in your relationship, be sure your response to any offense your mate gives in sexual matters is honoring to the Lord. Solomon continues his praise, 6:8 SOLOMON: There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, And maidens without number; 6:9 SOLOMON: But my dove, my perfect one, is unique: We have already discussed the matter of Solomon's polygamy (Chapter 1). He may not have been a practicing polygamist at this time. We know he inherited a harem from his father, David. The passing on of the harem from king to successor has long been observed. Roland de Vaux observes, "It appears that the kings harem, at least in the early days of the monarchy used to pass to his successor." Thus Solomon may not have been sexually involved with these many concubines until later in his reign, when we know he began to degenerate into lustful polygamy. But whether or not he was does not detract from the validity of the principles he teaches. Furthermore, God has put His approval on the principles by making the Song of Solomon a part of Scripture. But what is the point of the comparison? He says she's superior to all the queens and concubines in the empire. The concubine in the ancient Near East had two basic functions. A barren wife might have sons through her. But secondly, they were for a man's "delight." Solomon comments on this in Eccles.2:8 where he says, I heaped up for myself also silver and gold, and the peculiar property of kings and of countries; I got men singers and women singers; and the delights of the children of men: mistress and mistresses. The Hebrew word translated "delights" here refers to sexual caresses and enjoyments of the pleasures of sexual love? It's the same word used of Shulamith in Song 7:6, "How beautiful and delightful you are" - skilled in giving sexually delightful caresses. Thus, a concubine was a kind of mistress. The twentieth century call girl would to some extent parallel the concubine, except these modern-day "mistresses" have abandoned the child-bearing aspect! They simply provide skilled sexual pleasure. The business world is full of these immoral young women. While the skills they supposedly have are common knowledge, only a husband not satisfied at home or deprived sexually by his wife would tend to be interested. If a man doesn't have a "magnet" at home, he might look elsewhere! This is what Paul warns against. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest satan temp you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor.7:5). He implies if a husband and wife do not satisfy each other sexually, both or one might be tempted by Satan to get that satisfaction somewhere else! The best prevention for adultery is complete satisfaction at home. Note: [While I have no problem with the understanding that concubines could give and perform great sex, to liken them to modern "sex for sale" ladies or in the closet mistresses, is a pure lack on study on the truth of the matter. Concubines were WIVES, but classified as "secondary" wives, whatever that portended in that old society of B.C. days. The fact is they were still wives. This I have shown in my study on ny Website under the subject of Polygamy. Dillow did not do his home-work and so his comments here are at variance with the facts - Keith Hunt]. 6:8 SOLOMON: There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, And maidens without number; But my dove, my perfect one, is unique: He is saying Shulamith is superior in every way to any concubine of the empire. Even though Solomon may not have been sexually involved with any of these women at that time, he knows about their "skills" just as we hear today. Shulamith is superior as a lovemaking partner. She is more "skilled" than any of them! I'll never forget the message my wife heard by one of the most godly Christian women I ever met. Her testimony has been written in a number of books. She is the wife of one of the most prominent evangelical leaders of our time and is a widely sought-after speaker to women's groups all over the country. She was speaking to a group of wives on the subject of sex in marriage. In essence she said the following: "You know, girls, a prostitute is skilled in all the techniques of giving sexual pleasure to a man she does not even know or love. If they can do that for a man they do not even know or love, just for money, surely we should be even more skilled in giving sexual pleasure to our husbands whom we do love." Shulamith was superior to all would-be mistresses in her husband's eyes-are you? Solomon said this was true of Shulamith, and this book presents sex in marriage as the "flame of the Lord" (8:61. The same idea is implied in Prov. 5:1-23. An Immoral Harlot ("Keep your way far from her," 5:8) A Loving Wife ("Drink water from your own cistern" 5:15 "Rejoice in the wife of your youth" 5:18 "Be exhilarated always with her love" 5:19 "Let her breasts satisfy you at all times" 5:19) Wives, are your husbands rejoicing in, being exhilarated by, and being satisfied with your skill in making love? The contrast of the temptation of a harlot with the love of a wife certainly suggests a wife ought to have more to offer her man physically than a professional mistress! I would like to conclude this discussion by posing a question for you wives to ask yourselves. Please do not think I am advocating immorality when 1 ask you to ask it. But, if your husband began to search out a mistress, would he select you? Would you qualify - sexually, I mean? If not, then you might consider a few changes. Solomon has praised his wife above all the women in his court. In the following verses he deals with some of the reasons he praises her. 6:9 SOLOMON: But my dove, my perfect one, is unique: She 's her mother's only daughter; She is the pure child of the one who bore her. The phrase suggests she was her mother's favorite. The maidens saw her and called her blessed The queens and concubines also, they praised her, saying 6:10 SOLOMON: Who is this that grows like the dawn, "She outshines all others like the early dawn, which looks down from heaven over the mountains down to the earth," Zockler says. As beautiful as a full moon, As pure as the sun, She had blazing radiance. Arabic poets frequently compared feminine beauty to the sun and the moon. As awesome as an army with banner. (See 6:4)
SHULAMITH IN THE GARDEN
(Reflection #12, Song 6:11-13a)
In this section Shulamith takes her leave of Solomon and
goes to a garden on the palace grounds for meditation. Previously
she had two problems: (1) guilt at refusing Solomon's advances
and (2) a desire to see the countryside once again. Solomon's
lavish praise assuring his acceptance of her just as she is has
dealt with the first problem. Only one remains--a desire to
return to the country she left.The logical connection of this scene to the preceding verses seems to be it is the answer to the question raised in 6:10 ("Who is this that grows like the dawn?"). Shulamith's answer, as the scene will reveal, is that she is a country girl in the palace of a king, one whose soul is craving to visit the Lebanon mountains she loves. The scene involves a dialogue with the imaginary chorus. 6:11 SHULAMITH: I went down to the orchard of nut trees To see the blossoms of the valley, The passage suggests the springtime once again, Perhaps her thoughts went back to Solomon's springtime visit during their courtship. To see whether the vine had budded Or the pomegranates had bloomed. Before I was aware, my soul set me Over the chariots of my noble people. This is the most difficult verse in the book to interpret Although interpretations differ tremendously, it seems that we must take verse 13 into account, ("Come back, come back, O Shulammite"), implies Shulamith is entertaining the thought of leaving the palace. The thought seems to be this: Shulamith is in the garden quietly meditating on the beauty around her and thinking of home. Gradually her thoughts begin to drift back to life in the palace. She thinks of the lonesome hours she spends waiting for Solomon's attention and often feels alone and forsaken, a country girl in a king's palace. As she is absorbed in her thoughts, the sound of a chariot bounding along a distant road breaks the hush of the morning. Suddenly the desire comes upon her to get in one of the chariots and flee the palace. The text makes it quite clear that she does not do so, but her "soul set her over (in) the chariots" - her heart longed to be in one. She is not thinking of forsaking Solomon; rather it is a sudden impulse to flee to the country she loved. The chariots of her noble people refer to the chariots which belong to the retinue of the court. 6:13 CHORUS: Come back, come back, O Shulamite The chorus calls her longing heart back to reality by saying "Come back," psychologically speaking, four times. This is the first time the word SHULAMMITE is used in the book. without doubt the word is the feminine form of "Solomon." It suggests she is the "other-part of" solomon. she is one flesh with him. that realization brings her thoughts back to her lover and her desire to make love with him. Come back that we may gaze at you COMMENT Of shepherds and sex A shepherd is a protector and a leader. As a husband, are you? If you are not and you find your wife is not particularly responsive sexually, it could be related to these factors. The number one concern of men, according to one survey, in their sexual relationship with their wives, is that their wives are not aggressive enough. This survey indicates that 19 percent of Christian husbands (that's one out of every five men who read this book) complain of their wife's lack of interest in sex. Have you considered the relationship between your leadership and her loving? Let me explain. God has obviously set up a line of authority in all spheres of human existence (family, church, government). He has done so for good reason. No one can carry all the responsibility. Thus, the person over you in your job does not require you to shoulder his responsibilities as well as yours. Yet, too many wives are bearing responsibilities God never intended them to carry. For example, in your family, who carries the emotional burden for how your children turn out? Who carries the emotional burden for their discipline? According to the Bible, she is not to carry that burden; you and I are! (Eph.6:1-4) The thing that makes the chain of command work is its capacity to absorb shock. Something is always going wrong in life. Does that something always crash in on your wife, or is it intercepted and absorbed by you? This works in the business world. A firm on the West Coast recently received a number of awards for outstanding business achievement. Yet, in their everyday workings, they violated many basic principles of sound business management. An examination into the inner working revealed that the reason for this firm's success was three men. These men were shock absorbers. Every time financial collapse, business reversal, personal problem, or legal hassle threatened the firm, these men absorbed the shock. As the shock waves began to wind their way down the chain of command, they ran smash into these three men and stopped! As a result, the employees underneath them came to work free from worry and pressure. They didn't have to absorb the pressures of their supervisors and they therefore produced to their maximum. Your wife is like one of those employees. When the shock waves of life's reversal come crashing in on your family, if there is a man there to absorb them and to provide a protective shield, she is emotionally released to be a woman. I'm not saying you shouldn't ever share your problems with her. You should share them all with her. She is a joint heir of the grace of life. One of the reasons you married her was because she was a source of strength. The issue is, how do you share your problems? Do you do it in a depressing, defeated, and complaining way that simply burdens her with not only her sphere of problems but now yours too? Or do you do it like this, "Honey, we've really got some things we need to trust the Lord for, I've been laid off, and there are no job prospects and no money. Right now I have no idea what we are going to do, but I know that God has a purpose in it, and I'm really looking forward to what He is going to do. Let's pray and trust this situation to him." Thus, instead of dumping the problem on her and asking her to prop you up, you've asked her to join you in trusting the problem to the Lord. What makes the difference is your attitude. We're not saying you have to be the strong silent type that smiles as he leads his troops into battle with both legs shot off, but if you are continually whining and communicating weakness to her, she can't be expected to follow your lead with much confidence in bed or anywhere else. If you are a protector and a leader, if you assume personal responsibility for that home and for her welfare and happiness, if you assume responsibility for the kids, the bills, the family's future, its goals, you are a shepherd like Solomon. Furthermore, you are creating an atmosphere in which she feels secure and trusting. You are creating a climate that makes her feel she can trust in you and rely on you. How is being a shepherd related to sexual love? In a massive study of 500 women covering five years, Seymour Fisher came to some startling conclusions about one of the most common sexual problems among women - inability to experience orgasm. Some studies have indicated that as many as 40 percent of American women married twenty years or more have never experienced orgasm. In a study I conducted of some 158 women, 39 percent indicated they experienced orgasm "sometimes, rarely, or never."" One of the common characteristics of a large percentage of non-orgasmic wives in Fisher's study was feelings about loss. "Overall, there was enough evidence to suggest that a woman's ability to reach orgasm is tied to her feelings about loss. apparently, the more she feels that she cannot depend on being able to hold the people and things she values, the more limited is her orgasm capacity." Recently I heard a good illustration. A man up on the roof is trying to fix his TV antenna. Suddenly it begins to rain, and as he struggles with the guy wires, he slips. He begins to tumble down the roof, makes a last ditch effort and grabs the drain trough. He is hanging from the edge some three stories up, and his fingers begin to give way. Desperately he struggles to hold on, but his strength is almost gone. Not knowing what else to do, he looks up into the sky and asks, "Is there anyone up there who can help me?" Sure enough, a little cloud forms and parts in two, and a voice booms out from behind the cloud, "Believe and let go." The man hangs there staring blankly into the heaven for about thirty seconds and then shouts, "is there anyone else up there who can help me?" Before that man will "believe and let go," he wants to know the voice can back up its command. He wants to know someone will be there to catch him before he hits the ground. He wants a sense of trust and confidence in the "somebody." The same situation applies to a wife as she moves towards orgasm. Men and women tend to conceptualize sexual intercourse in slightly different ways. A man tends to think of intercourse as a taking or a possessing. A woman, on the other hand, tends to see it as a yielding, a giving of herself. Thus for her to be totally free, she must feel secure in the permanence of your love and the security of your relationship with her. As she is moving towards orgasm, the sexual tension develops gradually to a point where there is a blurring of perceptual reality. As objects become hazy she may picture the relationship "slipping away." To yield totally is like "Believe, and let go." Perception is fading and she now must "let go." Yield. If there is any insecurity or lack of trust in the marriage relationship, she may subconsciously pull back and cannot "let go" as perceptual reality darkens. She transfers her lack of security and permanence in the relationship outside the bedroom into the bed itself, and it sets up a mental block that keeps her from moving to climax. This by no means the only reason women do not achieve orgasm, but it appears to be a major one. I know many men who are wonderful "shepherds" whose wives have never experienced an orgasm; however, all too frequently the problem is rooted in a lack of a trusting and secure relationship. She wants to feel you are a man ... that you will protect her, lead her, and take care of her forever. If you communicate indifference, weakness, or deliberate insensitivity you can upset the balance of her emotional mechanism. Thus, sexual problems are usually relationship problems and not just the woman's problem. "Why don't you go see a doctor and find out what's wrong with you?" some husbands ask. There is nothing wrong with her in most cases; there is something wrong with your relationship, and that is just as much your fault as hers. One well-known sexual treatment clinic has come to a dogmatic conclusion that there is no such thing as a woman with the problem of "frigidity." There are only marriage relationships with the problem of frigidity. The relationship is the problem, not the woman! Edgar Rice Bourroughs had the right idea about male-female relationships when he told the Tarzan stories. An ape-man in the jungles of Africa was raised by some gorillas. One day a woman named Jane (Ph.D.in something), came into Tarzen's world, and he married her. Tarzan knew what he wanted, and Jane knew what she wanted - Tarzan. She may have had a Ph.D., but Tarzan called the shots. Once they got that straightened out, they had a swinging time together! He offered security, strength, and protection! A love affair with your husband's body Shulamith has a love affair with her husband's body. She daydreams erotically of his physical manliness. She has a problem getting her sexual desire up to Solomon's, so one way she raises it is to think sexual thoughts about her husband during the day. Shirley Rice speaks of having a "holy lust" for your husband. Shulamith did (Song 5:9-16). Do you think about your husband sexually or do you just think of "what a nice guy he is"? Do you think of how great it is to make love with him, or do you think of him as "that wonderful father and provider"? It is perfectly "holy" to think erotic, sexual thoughts about your husband during the day. It's in the Bible. Too frequently women who cannot climax tend to view their husband's genitals as separate from their husband as a person. They would never daydream about their husband's body as Shulamith did; it seems repulsive to them. This is a major cause of orgasmic dysfunction. You are to consider his genitals as part of him as a person. You are to consider his semen as life, his life! This is easy to grasp in connection with conception and pregnancy, but not in regard to sex. Three basic attitudes for solving problems This series of three reflections reveals three basic attitudes adopted by Shulamith and Solomon in the interim between the beginning of the sexual problems and their solution. These attitudes are crucial for the resolution of all marital problems The FIRST, there is the assuming of responsibility for one's own behavor instead of blaming the mate. The SECOND basic attitude necessary for problem-solving is to render a blessing when hurt or offended by one's mate (1 Peter 3:9). The THIRD basic attitude revealed here is a complete and transparent communication of one's real feelings. To suggest marriage problems can be solved by simply assuming responsibility for one's own behavior and responding with a blessing is quite simplistic and can lead to suppression of negative feelings. It is vitally important that all negative feelings be freely and totally vented. even anger should be fully expressed. The Scriptures admonish us to "be angry but sin not" (Eph. 4:26). I think this means our anger is never to dissolve into personal attacks, bitterness, or name calling. An "explosion" of pent-up tensions in a marital relationship can often have a very healthy effect. If you have been hurt by your mate, by all means express your hurt and reveal your feelings. How else can he work on the problem unless he knows specifically what it is? On the other hand, continual nagging and criticism is counter- productive. Make your feelings known and strive for a few "reminders" as possible, trusting God to work changes. If there seems to be no response, professional help should be considered before communication lines become so frozen that it becomes impossible to find release in the relationship. The two lovers of the Song are well on their way to resolving some of the problems they encountered in regard to sexual compatibility. The first step in the direction of a solution involved a change of attitude. Now, in the following reflection, a change of action is apparent as Shulamith aggressively takes the initiative in their loveplay. FOOTNOTES 1. The Interpreters Dictionary of the Bible, ad. Arthur Buttrick, four Vols. (New York: Abingdon Press, 1962), 4,13. 2. Rant Delitzsch, "Song of Songs" (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, n.d.), p.104. 3. Otto Zockler, "The Song of Solomon" Lane's Commentary, 12 Vols.; Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1960 [orig. ed. 1872], V. 107. 4. Fred Hartley Wright, "Manners and Customs of Bible Lands" (Moody, 1953). 5. Delitzsch, p.109. 6. Roland de Vaux, "Ancient Israel" (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1965), p.116. 7. Inerpreters Dictionary of the Bible, 1, 666. 8. Translation by Delitzsch, p.238. 9. Zockler, "Ecclesiastes," P.56. 10. Zockler, "Song," p.111. 11. H. R. Rowley,"The Meaning of the 'Shulamite,'" " The American Journal of Semitic Languages and Literature, 56 (January, 1939), 84-91. 12. Christian Family Life Marital Information Survey, 1974. 13. Ibid. 14. Seymour Fisher, "Understanding the Female Orgasm," p.74.
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