Appendix - Sexual Disfunction
How to Overcome it!
Dillow gives a long but very useful appendix - Keith Hunt APPENDIX NEW APPROACHES TO SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION Here, I have attempted to gather some specific information related to two of the most common problems brought into my office for counselling - premature ejaculation and orgasmic dysfunction ("frigidity"). While this material obviously is not derived from an exegesis of the Song of Solomon, it has been so significantly helpful to those with whom I have spoken that 1 felt it should be included as an appendix to the book. This information has been developed from consultations with gynaecologists counsellors specializing in problems related to sexual dysfunctions, my own counselling experience, and readings from some of the more recent medical studies available. According to numerous studies, half the people reading this mated will identify with the factors being discussed. In this country, 50 percent or the marriages are "sexually dysfunctional or imminently so." It is extremely difficult to reduce problems as complex as these to paper. They really need to be dealt with by a qualified Christian counsellor. The problem is that so few counsellors are available. Dallas, for example, with a population of over one million and an evangelical population larger than any other city in the country, has not one Christian counsellor that specializes in dealing with sexual problems Thus, to advise a Christian couple to go see a counsellor (as many psychologists reading this section would be prone to do) is like telling a blind man to see; it's impossible! There isn't anyone! Thus, this information must be communicated in written form. Having said that, some definite guidelines can be charted that, when faithfully applied, can bring relief to many who read this book If the "steps to solution" outlined here don't seem to work for you, that doesn't at all imply there is something wrong with you; it simply means the interpersonal issues are much more complex than I can relate to on paper. Furthermore, if these suggestions do not help, that by no means implies the problem cannot be solved. So consider these ideas as tentative guidelines, and trust the Lord to use them in your lives as He sees fit. FOUR GENERAL ATTITUDES TO AVOID These "attitudes to avoid" have been discerned in the counselling office time and time again. Avoid "blaming your mate" Numerous counsellors will say that until the couple begins to view the marriage relationship as the "patient" instead of one another, no progress can be made. The problem is not yours, or hers, or his; it's your relationship that needs treatment. For example, consider a husband who ejaculates prematurely (before his wife reaches orgasm). His wife is not quite sure what to do. If she is aggressive toward him, he might withdraw because he fears the "failure" associated with another sexual encounter. Communication barriers begin to develop. Now, as a result of the scars built by submerged communication, they not only have the problem of premature ejaculation, but that very problem has been made incapable of solution because of the communication tensions. Obviously, the interpersonal interactions of all sexual problems play an enormous part in the cause and solution to sexual problems. So, stop thinking he has a problem or she has a problem; it should be WE have a problem. This is part of what Paul meant when he said: In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph.5:28-33). You see, your mate's problems are your problems because you are one, just like Christ and the church. The proper attitude is, "Let's both of us go to a counsellor and see if we can get some insight into our problem." Avoid the "spectator role" This is one of the most damaging barriers to sexual stimulation. Instead of getting totally involved physically with one's mate, forgetting everything else and lust "letting" sexual arousal happen naturally, a person may mentally set himself apart and observe his own responses. A person adopts this role because he or she is afraid of failing to respond, and as a result, all stimulation is blocked. Thus, a couple struggling with the problem of an impotent husband is handicapped because he is continually standing outside the situation looking to see If he is able to get an erection. Decide to stop worrying about your response and simply lose yourself in the pleasures of sharing your mate's love. Avoid goal-oriented performance Too frequently, couples set the overcoming of particular problems as the goals of their sexual encounters. This creates a fear of failure - will I achieve my goal? If a wife has never had an orgasm, the goal of sex may become her achievement of that. Every encounter is entered into with the attitude, "Will we fail again?" This fear of failure is the greatest barrier to success. The man who cannot maintain an erection has fears every time he approaches his wife sexually. He is completely distracted by the thought that he might not have an erection. This worrying about an entirely involuntary process is worse than useless. The wife worries she might make it worse. The wife who can't achieve orgasm often expects her husband to "do something." He doesn't know what to do. He asks himself why he can't satisfy her and worries so much about his own performance that he can't relax. As will be discussed later, a major step in solving any sexual problem is to structure special sessions where it is understood by both husband and wife before the lovemaking session begins that nothing is expected. Avoid myths Many myths about sexuality are often involved in sexual problems. The only way to avoid them is to become sexually informed. For example, some believe a "peak" or "explosive" orgasm is normal for all women. This is simply not true. Unfortunately, many men still embrace the myth that penis size has something to do with their being able to sexually satisfy their wives. It actually has nothing to do with it. After all, the vagina can accommodate the head of a baby! The issue in satisfying your wife is not the size of the penis, but how you use it. Another myth is that simultaneous orgasm is the normal or even the best way to have sexual intercourse. Miles reports in his surveys that only 13.7 percent of the couples regularly experience simultaneous orgasm. It is extremely difficult, if not sometimes impossible, to time responses that are basically involuntary. There can be just as much joy and self-giving love involved in a husband first of all stimulating his wife to orgasm and then her satisfying him, or vice versa. PREMATURE EJACULATION One evening after speaking at a seminar on marriage, a young woman came up to ask about a problem in her sexual relationship with her husband. She had been married five years and had never had an orgasm. In most cases this problem has psychological causes, so I began to ask her some standard questions to see if I could discern the root difficulty. It turned out that she didn't seem to have any psychological difficulties with sex. She thoroughly loved sex and was very much in love with her husband She had no bad attitudes that she was aware of, and she just couldn't explain it. Finally, after some fifteen minutes of discussion, it occurred to me to ask her how long intercourse lasted. She paused, thought for a moment and said, "I think about thirty seconds" She thought something was wrong with her because she couldn't have an orgasm in thirty seconds! Few women can. For most, it takes from five to ten minutes of clitoral stimulation for a climax. About 12 percent require ten minutes or more. On the other hand, 75 percent of men can climax in under two minutes During the early years of marriage, most women are usually tolerant and understanding about premature ejaculation. But after a while, a wife's frustration level may begin to rise, and she may begin to resent her husband, feel used, and make accusations, either verbal or implied, about his failure as a man. Each sexual encounter becomes more and more painful emotionally. He tries to delay his climax. His wife, on the other hand, has no confidence in his chances for success in the matter and consequently is grabbing, thrusting, and demanding in order to achieve satisfaction before he ejaculates. The friction she causes on the penis and the stimulation of an active and aggressive wife only triggers his orgasm sooner. This may ultimately lead to impotence due to the continual psychological few of failure. A cycle begins. He won't approach her because he's afraid he'll be premature, and she won't approach him because she doesn't want to be left unsatisfied. Actually, this s one of the simplest of all sexual problems to resolve. In 97.5 percent of the cases (according to one study), it can be totally eliminated in a matter of weeks? Surprisingly few men are aware of how to achieve control; most fail to realize the basic reasons for the lack. Often, involvement in premarital sex is a major cause. Premarital encounters are often in the back seat of a car, or in the parents' home, where the emphasis is on getting it over quickly without getting caught. The goal becomes male satisfaction as soon as possible. The result is that in just a few encounters the man learns a selfish approach to sex and sets habit patterns that are reinforced for years in marriage. A husband should be able to enjoy fifteen minutes of continuous thrusting and be able to build to thirty minutes of actual intravaginal containment (not continuous thrusting). This doesn't necessarily have to characterize every lovemaking session, but you should have this capacity if you and your wife are going to experience all the sensations God intended a husband and wife to enjoy in their love. Premature ejaculation is defined as the husband's inability to control ejaculation for a sufficient length of time during intravaginal containment to satisfy his wife in at least 50 percent of their times of sexual intercourse. In the following pages I'll outline the treatment procedure developed by Masters and Johnson that has brought relief to nearly 98 percent of the couples who have applied it. STEP 1- Eliminate past myths. There are two main myths that hinder solution. First, it has been taught that because men reach orgasm more quickly, the wife should refrain from direct stimulation of the husband prior to intercourse. The contrary is usually true. A man is more likely to reach orgasm prematurely when he goes unstimulated through a long period of preparatory arousal for the woman. Because he becomes so preoccupied with the time for intercourse, anticipation builds to an unbearable degree. Furthermore, through stimulation, the wife can bring him to a sexual peak prior to orgasm that actually reduces the need to climax immediately, Of course, for the wife to refrain from full participation removes the sense of physical intimacy and mutual experience. The whole experience is reduced to getting her ready, entering her, and ejaculating immediately. There is little opportunity for intimacy. Secondly, the myth that the man is supposed to put his mind on other things needs to be rejected. I've seen Christian books in which the man is instructed to mentally recite Bible verses to get his mind off the pleasure he is experiencing! Others counsel him to worry about business problems. There are two basic downfalls to this "solution." It doesn't work, and it spoils the sense of enjoyment! STEP 2 - Commit your situation to the Lord as a couple. Ask one another's forgiveness for any hurts that may have developed in your marriage because of this problem, then join together in prayer asking the Lord to give you the wisdom and unconditional acceptance necessary to implement these steps. If you are unable to pray about it openly in front of each other, you do not have the necessary acceptance and freedom level to solve the problem. If you can't pray about it, there are some things in your relationship that need to be resolved before you be able to work at this. Most sexual problems are either caused by spiritual and relationship problems, or they are made more complicated by these factors. STEP 3 - Employ the "squeeze technique." Agree on a session of sexual stimulation with no goal orientation. There will be no intercourse and no "failure," just mutual sharing of love. The wife should sit at the head of the bed with her legs spread. The husband lies between her legs on his back with his head pointing toward the foot of the bed. His genitals are now dose to those of his wife. The wife lovingly and gently caresses her husband's genitals, especially the head of the penis or wherever her husband directs her, to encourage him toward orgasm. As soon as he approaches orgasm, he gives the signal and she applies the "squeeze technique." She places her thumb on the underside of the penis just where the shaft ends and the head begins (the frenulum). She also places the first two fingers of that same hand on the opposite side of the penis, then squeezes her thumb and first two fingers together with very had pressure for at least four seconds. She should squeeze as hard as she can. (On an erect penis this will cause no pain) This pressure will immediately make him lose his desire to ejaculate, and he will lose some of his erection. After fifteen to thirty seconds, she repeats the procedure, manipulating him to full erection again and repeating the squeeze. STEP 4 - Intercourse in the "woman above" position. After learning some control, the husband lies on his back and the wife uses the squeeze technique two or three times: she then straddles him and, leaning forward about 45 degrees, very gently and slowly inserts the penis in her vagina. She should remain motionless--giving her husband a chance to achieve control. If he feels he is going to ejaculate, she merely raises her body and repeats the squeeze procedure, then gently reinserts the penis. After a few sessions of practice in this position, the husband is to thrust just enough to maintain his erection until they can stay in this position for fifteen or twenty minutes before ejaculation. The "male above" position is the most difficult in which to maintain control. STEP 5 - Intercourse in lateral coital position. After control increases, the couple is encouraged to move from this female superior position to the lateral coital position (sideways). Lying on her right side, she leans forward to he against his chest as she extends her right leg behind her. He bends his left knee, keeping it under her leg and flat against the bed. This position leaves both partners with the greatest freedom and comfort as well as the best ejaculatory control. It has been found that couples who have tried this position use it (by choice) about 75 percent of the times they have intercourse. STEP 6 - Repetition once a week for six months. You should use the squeeze technique at least once a week for the next six months and practice it for about twenty minutes… Complete ejaculatory control is usually attained in six to twelve months. By this we mean the husband develops control to the point where he can restrain ejaculation indefinitely. While the couple is learning these steps, it may be necessary for the husband to use manual stimulation or other agreeable means to give his wife sexual fulfilment. It must be noted here that there often is temporary impotence after the premature ejaculation problem is solved, primarily due to increased frequency of the sex act. Researchers tell us the squeeze technique is never effective if done by the husband on himself - the wife must be involved. Even if you are not having problems with premature ejaculation, but you don't have sufficient control to maintain continuous thrusting for fifteen minutes, this technique can be used to build your control up to as long as your wife desires. By making sideways motions with his hips the husband can stimulate his wife's clitoris without bringing any friction on the penis, significantly lengthening the time of intravaginal containment. The most common combination of problems brought up during counselling in regard to sex is premature ejaculation coupled with "frigidity." This inability to climax is the most common sexual dysfunction of women. It has many causes. Religious background and negative religious attitudes about sex often are major factors. The most common factor is partner dissatisfaction. For some reason she does not respect, trust, or admire her husband. A lack of strong mate leadership is often related to the problem. Some women simply have no sense of feeling in their vaginal areas. This is almost always of psychological origin. There are those who believe an overemphasis on toilet training can be the first step toward orgasmic dysfunction later in life! The little girl may be rushed into toilet training before she is ready, and a big trauma develops over having bowel movements. The little girls begins to think of her genitals as dirty because it was made into such a big deal. Heavy petting before marriage is a major factor. The "start-stop" pattern is developed. Then she gets married and doesn't know how to keep going. The double standard of our society which says it's wrong for the female but right for the male often carries over into marriage. A routine and unimaginative approach by the husband often results in orgasmic dysfunction. Most important, as mentioned earlier, are you a shepherd to your wife? Does she feel secure and totally accepted? Is there an intimacy of relationship? Are you a leader? Do you communicate strength and tenderness? In the following pages I will enumerate some steps toward a solution. Let me carefully qualify before I begin. Orgasmic dysfunction is an extremely complex issue and these steps may be helpful to only a few of the wives reading this book. It is impossible to put something this delicate and involved into a series of steps. Every situation is different; every relationship is special. STEP 1- Become factually informed. Frequently this problem, like so many, is due to lack of knowledge of some very simple physical, psychological, or emotional factors. The best way to become factually informed is to read reliable books. Here are some suggestions. "Understanding Human Sexual Inadequacy," Belliveau and Richter (Bantam Books). This excellent title text is a summary of some of the key findings of Masters and Johnson. "Human Sexual Inadequacy" (Boston: Little, Brown, and Company, 1970). There are chapters devoted to solutions of all sexual dysfunctions common in marriage: impotence, premature ejaculation, orgasmic dysfunction, painful intercourse, vaginismus, sex in the aging etc. "The Freedom of Sexual Love," Joseph and Lois Bird (Image Books, Doubleday & Company,1970). It is generally Biblically based and is very frank and specific. "Physical Unity in Marriage," Shirley Rice (Tabernacle Church of Norfolk, 7120 Granby Street, Norfolk, Virginia 23505). This book, a sequel to "The Christian Home, A Woman's View," is loaded with practical biblical and medical counsel. The book grew out of a series of lectures Mrs.Rice has given around the country. "Sexual Happiness in Marriage," Herbert J. Miles (Zondervan, 1967). STEP 2 - As a couple, commit your (plural "your") problem to the Lord. He is extremely concerned and grieved by the needless pain and tension this has caused your marriage. He desires to help. Open, frank prayer together about this issue will do much to open up communication channels and bring the spiritual dimension to bear on the situation. James says, "You do not have because you do not ask God" (James 4:2). STEP 3 - Re-establish communication. There must be a total freedom of discussion between you on sexual matters. "And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed" (Gen.2:25). There was no shame in Adam and Eve's sexual relationship; there were no inhibitions. If there are communication barriers developing in your marriage over a problem; several things might help open them up. Take the text of the Song of Solomon printed out in Appendix 2 of this book The husband should read the parts of Solomon, the wife the parts of Shulamith and the chorus. As you read, stop and comment on any items in the commentary that strike you as points for discussion. Then move on to the next verse. Use the Word as the basis for your discussion! STEP 4 - Discern and overcome any negative feelings toward men. Frigidity is like a log jam on a narrow stream, says psychiatrist Robinson. When two or more logs jam up, all the rest of the logs are blocked and cannot flow down the stream. A gigantic jam stacks up behind the two logs. The emotional problems, hurts, and communication barriers of frigidity are like that jam. When two logs are pulled out, the whole jam begins to flow down the river once again. The emotional jam we call frigidity is often held in place by two basically negative attitudes. The first is a negative attitude toward men, and the second is a rejection of one's role as a woman. How can a negative attitude toward men be overcome? Marie Robinson suggests a simple answer, but it takes time. The Scripture says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he" (Prov. 23:7). Paul tells the believers in Rome, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Rom.12:2). Begin by giving yourself some time alone every day. It may be ten minutes, or it may be half an hour, but do it regularly. During these private sessions, explore your inner attitudes toward men. Strive to feel all your negative emotions about your husband. You are advised to "only aim at this point to let these negative feelings come to the surface, to seek them out, experience them to the full." Do this by picking out some small but repeated irritation or annoyance he causes you - the more trifling, the better. Fix on it, then dare to allow your emotions and thoughts about it to become dominant. Do not repress them as you have trained yourself to do over the years. It needs to be emphasized that it is quite possible you will not have any negative thoughts about men at a conscious level. One woman seemed to be annoyed only at her husband's sloppiness. He left his clothes lying around the house and wouldn't put his shaving cream away after using it in the morning. These were, as far as she was concerned, mere trifles, and weren't worthy of her emotional focus. She had suppressed them for years. Under counselling, she was encouraged to explore this "trifle" to see if there was anything there. As she allowed herself to feel her irritation fully, she began to uncover a vast log-jam of emotional resentment against men in general that she had never been aware of at a conscious level. She interpreted her husband's sloppiness as a symptom of his desire to treat her as a slave and to confine her to demeaning labor. Her anger became more explosive as she continued to reflect on the matter. It quickly led to her underlying attitude about men in general. All men ever do, she reasoned, is attempt to enslave women and exploit them. All they want from women is sex. Furthermore, they are physically superior and therefore capable of enforcing their demands. Does your husband's behavior in public embarrass you? Has he any annoying habit? Select some petty things, and allow yourself to feel the full range of emotion that may lurk underneath. In the beginning you are likely to find no very strong feelings or passionate generalizations. But if you persist you will probably find an area where your feelings are indeed intense and negative. These emotions have remained hidden from your subconscious mind for many years because of their emotional intensity. Most frigid women believe their negative attitudes about men actually represent reality. It is important to realize your investigation is not going to prove your hidden fears to be valid, but will prove them invalid. And the emotions are not overwhelming therefore, there is no need to fear this emotional exploration process. It is of utmost importance to recognize in advance that whatever emotions turn up are feelings and not reality. What good does all this do? One of the major contributions of modern psychiatry has been the establishment of the fact that attitudes and feelings have the power to do lasting harms only when they are hidden from one's awareness. As soon as these negative feelings become fully conscious, they automatically lose the major part of their power to do harm. Once irrational feelings are externalized and can be looked at logically, the drive toward normal psychological health takes over, and release occurs. The next step is to commit them to the Lord and ask Him to remove them from your life. Furthermore, you must look in Scripture to see the true picture of masculinity. Jesus was very aggressive; he was very courageous; he was a very masculine man. These characteristics, particularly aggressiveness, are not wrong. They do not represent an attack on the female sex or an attempt by men to dominate. They are part of God's design into male biology. STEP 5 - Deal ruthlessly with any fantasies. Some frigid women are dissatisfied with their roles as women. They daydream about various jobs and vocations that are more "valuable" than being wives and mothers. Often they spring from a childhood desire to be an actor, artist, dancer, or concert pianist. Sometimes they concern becoming a corporation president, a doctor, or a lawyer - anything but a beloved wife. These daydreams protect the daydreamer from an inferiority complex. It doesn't matter that she is unable to love: someday (perhaps next year) she will be an actress or a lawyer. Dr.Robinson suggests the next step in overcoming orgasmic dysfunction is to recognize this daydream for what it is. Let it roll on and on. Dwell upon its glamor. Explore all the details of the fantasy. It will soon become apparent that it is impossible. The dream that has been hidden just below the threshold of consciousness is now totally exposed and seen for what it is--pure childishness. Once the objective factors take over, the dream subsides. And it must subside because it has become a psychological defense mechanism preventing the frigid woman from surrendering totally to her role as a woman. As long as a woman clings to these impossible notions, the blockage in her emotions prevents her from dealing realistically with life. She is not an actress or a corporation president, and God probably doesn't intend that for her. If she is married, God's will for her is to put her husband and children first, and to find her identity and security in total yieldedness to her husband. She must literally "believe and let go" if she's going to experience orgasms. STEP 6 - Strive for a biblical and positive view of men and the male role. The frigid woman tends to fear or resent male dominance and aggressiveness. She views it as a threat or an attempt to exploit her. "All he ever wants is sex," she may say. However, male aggressiveness was built into men by the Creator. Before Eve was created, Adam was given the command to name the animals. In the Hebrew culture, to have authority to name was to have authority over. Thus, Adam named Eve (Gen. 2:23), indicating his authority over her. Note this was before the Fall. Thus, God's original ideal is that the man is in control, and the female is under his authority, this is not an arrangement forced into the course of human affairs because of sin, but is God's original intent. Thus, when your husband takes initiative, when he is competitive, when he is aggressive, he is simply fulfilling his biological destiny built into him by the Creator. It is now a proven fact that there are innate differences between the sexes. The Lord gave man the male hormone, androgen, which is responsible for aggressiveness. Men with a double chromosome tend to be hypermasculine, very tall, aggressive, impulsive, and often violent and delinquent from an early age. Marie Robinson maintains frigid women must make a re-evaluation of the male sex. These women often have little real knowledge of what men are actually like. Men seem to be powers, not people. By making a re-evaluation and seeing that male aggressiveness is God-given, she can begin to understand her husband as he is and achieve the ability to love him in all of his uniqueness and individuality. Because a woman's energies are mainly directed inward, in preparation for motherhood and maintaining a home, she often misunderstands her husband when he takes a neat home for granted. He has invested a major portion of his pride elsewhere - in his work. He is doing the business to which God has called him. His sloppiness does not indicate his indifference to his wife; however, the frigid woman will often interpret it that way. He is rejecting her sphere as unimportant, she reasons. The sex act itself most typically represents male aggression. The thrusting of the penis becomes offensive to the frigid woman. To a normal woman this is of course highly desirable, but the frigid woman can personalize it as an act of aggression by men against women. She is antagonistic to aggression and does not understand it. His strength and ability to master her environment makes her feel drab. If men were out to enslave women, women could be justified in fearing, hating, and envying man's central strength and aggressiveness. But is he? Once a woman examines this central point, her whole basic attitude can be changed. Consider the burden upon the average male. In the name of love, he sets his personal freedom aside and marries, thereby taking on the responsibility to provide. He shoulders full responsibility for his wife and children. As a woman, think for a moment how you would feel if your child were suddenly deprived of food, shelter, and clothing. Generally, these thoughts are only casual passing thoughts to a woman, but a man carries them daily. Every morning he realizes his success or failure in business determines his family's happiness and security. Women, unless they are very close to their men, do not realize how seriously the average husband takes this responsibility. The responsibility at times becomes enormous. The competition in the market place today is increasing. The economy is unstable. Every man knows if he falters in his job, he can be easily replaced. Few women could take the daily strain the average man assigns to himself when he signs the marriage contract. Consider your husband's aggressiveness in light of the tremendous duties and responsibilities God has placed upon him. He is responsible before God to rule and have dominion over the planet. He is responsible to provide for his own: "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Tim.5:8). As you consider your husband's aggressiveness in this light, you can see it is a necessary part of him if he is to fulfil these responsibilities. Then you are able to feel admiration instead of anger, resentment, or envy. Far from seeking to enslave women through their strength, husbands use that strength and aggressiveness for just the opposite reason - to protect and care for their loved ones. He makes it safe for you to be feminine, to bear children with a sense of security, and to raise them. You know he is always watching over you, protecting you, and is terribly anxious about your safety and happiness. By looking at the end to which male aggression is directed when it matures, can any woman honestly hold such resentment? The same male aggression that initiates the sexual act is the aggression that protects her, provides for her, and allows her to be a wife and mother. Frequently his male ego, his sloppiness, his irritableness, his slackness are simply the outlets for a day "on the hunt." He doesn't necessarily tell you of all his humiliations, defeats, and things that upset him during the day because he doesn't want to burden you with them. It you see him in this light, it will be difficult to harbor any deep-seated resentments. STEP 7 - Surrender to your role. It should be clear by now that a central thesis of this book is that there is an immediate connection between the Bible's role relationship teachings and a woman's capacity to experience orgasm in marriage. May I now suggest that an approximate synonym for "frigidity" is "lack of submission"! Furthermore, an approximate psychological synonym for "orgasm" is "Yieldedness." It was encouraging to me to see a secular psychiatrist, Marie Robinson, making the same observations. There are two basic logs in the emotional log jam that prevent normal orgasm in women. The first is a negative attitude toward men, coupled with envy of their role and what it would be like if wives could live out their fantasy roles. The second major log jam is role reversal. Once these two logs are removed, the whole river begins to flow naturally and all of a woman's basic emotional and spiritual drives will push her into normal orgasm. Of course, many women who rebel at the idea of submission and are quite hostile to men nevertheless do experience an orgasm of sorts. But it is a surface physical release, not the full-throbbing, deep-seated convulsion involving the total body, soul, and spirit that is the biological and spiritual destiny of the totally yielded woman. Furthermore, there are many outwardly submissive, feminine women who either never experience orgasm or who experience a surface orgasm on the level of mere physical release. However, may I advise these women to seriously consider their inner feelings toward men and to inquire into their understanding of total submission and what it means practically. In a word, the biblical definition of total submission is "no resistance." Resistance is like logs in the emotional jam that block the emotional flow of the river. Dr.Robinson explains; "As the woman who has suffered from frigidity explodes her groundless fears one by one and explores a new attitude toward men, toward love, toward motherhood, feels a new esteem for her husband - all these things happen, her lifelong restlessness begins to depart. For the first time she realizes just how restless she has been, how unsatisfied she feels, how precariously balanced her life, inwardly and outwardly, has always felt. Now something deep within her relaxes, lets down. When this happens, she is beginning to experience the essential attribute of all that is truly feminine, spiritual tranquility." The Women's Liberation Movement will, perhaps more than anything else, increase the very problem its leaders think they will solve - this inner female restlessness and lack of a sense of fulfilment. Betty Friedan calls it the "problem that has no name." Since nearly 40 percent of American women do not regularly experience orgasm, and since that experience is related to biblical teachings on role relationship, the Women's Liberation Movement falsely concludes that biblical role relationship was the cause of the "restlessness." Just the contrary - it's the failure to apply the role relationship teachings of the Bible that has caused the "problem that has no name." It's the male failure more than the female, but the Bible is not the problem; it's the failure of human beings to apply its principles. It's said that a few upper-class female intellectuals have been given a platform to project their own personal problems onto all American women. Most American women have no problems with the notion of role relationship. In theory because they sense that God built these concepts genetically into male and female relationships. The application of the role relationship is generally complicated by the failure of men to assume a shepherd's role. For a woman, full orgasm requires a total trust in her partner. The full physical experience is so intense there is a momentary loss of consciousness. She feels as though she s hanging from the edge of that three-story building and is instructed to "believe and let go." She can't do it unless she trusts completely. Do you as a husband provide that atmosphere of trust and security by assuming responsibility for her, protecting her, and demonstrating self-giving love? Sometimes men tend to be so thoughtful and considerate of their "wife's problem" that their lack of firmness is interpreted as passivity and a lack of masculine strength which can cause her to lose respect and trust. In sexual intercourse, as in life, man is the actor and the woman is the one acted upon. To give oneself in this passive manner involves total trust. Any vestige of hostility, or fear of ones role, will clearly show in the sexual embrace. You must be more than willing to submit to your husband in general. There must be a genuine excitement about the act of surrender pictured in sexual intercourse itself. There must be an eagerness to surrender. Have you ever wondered why Paul taught that sexual intercourse was intended by God as a portrait of Christ and the church? He says of the one-flesh relationship (sexual relationship), "This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church" (Eph.5:32). The church submits totally to Christ. Indeed, the individual believer eagerly submits to Christ, and the result is what? Peace, joy, emotional freedom and release, new love and all of the fruits of the Spirit. Sex is to picture that same total submission by the wife and total protection and love by the husband. In light of this discussion, let's consider 1 Pet.3:1-6. "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." A common problem then, as well as now, is a believing woman married to an unbelieving husband. Notice, Peter says he is to be won to Christ "without talk" (without any preaching), but by godly behavior. One aspect of the behavior is a "submissive" attitude. 3:3 Your beauty should not come from (ONLY - as taught by the rest of the Bible - Keith Hunt) outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 3:4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the missing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. The arrival of this gentle and quiet spirit results directly from the fact that a woman really allows herself to trust her husband (no resistance) in a very deep sense. This inner spirit is exactly the opposite of Betty Friedan's "problem that has no name" or the restlessness of American women. Feminine tranquility of spirit is a very precious thing to God. The only other time He uses the phrase "great worth" is in reference to the precious blood of Christ. The frigid woman can trust no man. Consequently, her approach to life is very painful and difficult. She feels responsible for everything. She certainly can't just let go and trust her husband to take care of it! Details overwhelm her. She has to fight her feelings and resentments about her role just to get routine housework done. The biggest obstacle to submitting totally is fear. Peter notes this concern in verses 5 and 6. 3:5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands. 3:6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughter if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Notice the last word, "and do not give way to fear." If some of you men are wondering why your wives don't seem to support you, but instead always compete with you, they may be afraid of what will happen if they let go completely. That fear that no one will take care of them, that no one will assume responsibility, carries over into the marriage bed. It can be a major reason for her inability to have orgasms. She is afraid to trust you completely because she suspects you might do something similar to what Abraham did to Sarah. In his fear for his own life, he told his wife to sleep with a foreign king (Genesis 20). Note, however, that Sarah obeyed Abraham, and God intervened. God does not always intervene, and if it had come to sleeping with that king, Sarah should have disobeyed her husband. But she obeyed him and trusted God, and as a result God protected her where her husband failed. (Now that last sentence by Dillow is off the wall. The account gives no indication that Sarah would have gone ahead and slept with the king. God's commands come FIRST, above whatever a man may say, you OBEY God. A husband has NO right to tell or allow his wife to sleep with another man. God did in this case intervene, but if He had not, Sarah would have refused the king's desire, and would have then told the truth about Abraham being her husband. If Sarah had gone ahead and slept with the king, she would have sinned, and two sins do not make a right - Keith Hunt) Here is the tremendous advantage the Christian woman has over the non-Christian woman in overcoming the problems of inability to achieve orgasm. The Christian woman can place her trust in God, obey her husband, and find a sense of security (to a degree) that would come from trusting one's husband. Hence she can submit totally even when her husband is disobedient to the Word, because her protection comes from God, and He will never fail her. Sarah overcame the fear barrier by realizing her ultimate trust was in God, wives today can do the same. (BUT again, if Dillow is teaching, a wife can sin because she follows his leadership and authority, then Dillow is off the wall and from planet Pluto. NO ONE, in marriage or out of marriage, has to SIN because a man has some authority per se. A man's leading and authority in marriage COME TO A STOP, if he tells or tries to command his wife to SIN! - Keith Hunt). As an illustration of these principles at work in real life, allow me to share Mary's story with you. Mary is a very intelligent businesswoman. She was phenomenally well-organized and efficient, and was able to run a business with her husband and maintain a good home at the same time. In her marriage she was always the leader. In fact, she and her husband had talked the situation over, and both had agreed she was more competent and should be the leader. It was her goal in life to be the president of her own corporation. She hated the word submission and was in constant competition with her husband. She wanted to do the best, do the most, and insisted on her own ideas. Surprisingly, for thirteen years of marriage they had a very good relationship and genuinely loved each other. Their communication was good and their love was deep. However, in the sexual area, their marriage was in jeopardy. She had never been able to have a climax. They were relatively wealthy, and could afford extensive psychological counselling. They flew to more than twenty states and had numerous sessions with many doctors and counsellors. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, she found Christ, and a new life began. Shortly after her conversion, she attended a marriage seminar for women my wife teaches around the country. There, for the first time, she understood the beauty of role relationship as portrayed in the Bible. All the false notions were removed, and she was able to eagerly submit to her new role. Here is an excerpt from one of her letters: "It seems incredible to me that Jesus has given me so much in life. . . then to dump all of this joy on me is overwhelming. Since your seminar, He's made it so easy for me, maybe knowing that I had the farthest to go, knowing that I had to change every fiber, every attitude I'dd developed for thirty-three years. Only He knows how I fought the word "submissive"! Only He knows how I wanted to lead, be the best, do the most, be the perfectionist, show my ideas! My giant ego. Now he's given me a new plan and a new purpose for my life. My only daily goal now is to do whatever pleases Bill. God's plan has taken away my competitiveness, my aggressiveness, and given me the strength to become a whole new person. My husband has become the most wonderful leader you could ever imagine. Our home is so happy, so free of stress, free of tension that everyone who visits can almost see the light that Jesus has turned on in every room. Bill is no longer just part of my life, he's my whole life. My career may have to go. . . if it does, I know my Lord will replace it with something many times more meaningful, of that, I have not one doubt." (That's a whole lot OTHER BALL GAME than teaching a woman, wives, have to sin because her husband is in authority - Keith Hunt) When this family began to implement God's plan, new life flowed. Mary, for the first time in her life, now experiences orgasm regularly in less than three minutes! The turning point was when she decided to surrender. In her case she actually made a contract with God on the day she surrendered. Here is how she worded it: "I, today, Wednesday, November 20, vow to myself, not to suggest, tell, nag, or criticize Bill on how to run his business. I will bite my tongue, leave the premises or whatever necessary, not to give my opinion. My knowing that my opinions are right will be satisfaction enough - no one else need share how smart and terrific I really am. I am now willing to accept his business failure to enforce this rule!! I will read this each day before I start my work. If I should fail to achieve this goal even twice, I will quit my job, knowing it is a hindrance to my becoming 'The Total Woman.'" (I have no doubt that this is what SOME women may have to do, if happiness in ALL their life is needed. Then on the other hand, a man who does not have the sense to see that his wife has some very good "brains" and that he needs to take her counsel or opinion on matters, perhaps needs to go and see a "servant of the Lord" who knows how to guide him in good logical sense - Keith Hunt) Mary discovered the secret of sexual surrender, and once the emotional log jam was released, the ability to orgasm flowed naturally as a part of her spiritual destiny. is the very best thing a woman can be; as within the context of "a virtuous woman" of Proverbs 31: 10— Keith Hunt) Look ladies God created sex; he gave women a body that needs to be caressed all over; lots of foreplay before the Penis enters the Vagina. Sex was made to be the most pleasurable act the human body could experience— Keith Hunt (Then there are couples who do not speak during sexual relations; there is no Scripture to say you must talk, but you may need to talk to each other before or after sexual relations about your sexual relationship— the pos and cons - Keith Hunt)
|
No comments:
Post a Comment