ROMANTIC LOVE
continued——
(1) It includes an element of the unexpected. When Solomon constructs a bedroom with cedars from Lebanon (1:16,17) to surprise his bride, he's being romantic. When he springs a surprise vacation in the Lebanon mountains on her, he's being
romantic. The element of surprise is important to romance. A single long-stemmed rose when there is no special occasion is
romantic.Anything that repeats itself over and over again loses its
romantic value, such as always having dinner at the same
restaurant, with movies always to follow.
(2) It includes dating. We find Solomon taking his wife-to-be on
a date in 2:8-17. After they are married, he still takes her on
dates (7:11-8:14). Do you regularly date your wife like Solomon
did? Let me carefully define what I do not mean by a "date." It
is not hurling a newspaper her way some evening while you are
laying in front of a boring TV show and saying, "Honey, why don't
you see if there is anything on at the movies and call and get a
babysitter?" A date is when you plan the evening, you get the babysitter,
and YOU TAKE HER. You remember, like you did before you married
her. You might get a list of the names and phone numbers of all
the babysitters she uses. Something is missing if you have to ask
her where to go. When you were dating her before you married her,
you didn't wait for her to come up with the ideas. Also, a date is one husband and one wife, not a crowd.
Double dates went out with the junior prom. Going out with
another couple is great, do it often, but that's not a date.
Generally, what happens is that you spend the evening talking to
him, and your wife spends the evening talking to her, and a week
later she says, "Why don't you ever take me out?" You reply, "I
just took you out last week!" But you didn't take her out. You
were "out" with the other wife's husband! Call going out with
another couple "Christian fellowship" or something ... but that's
not what we're talking about when we speak of a "date." Sometimes your dates should involve pre-planning that
appears spontaneous. For example, let's say you are going
window-shopping with your wife on an evening downtown. You
casually pass by a restaurant and say, "Why don't we go in and
get a bite to eat." When you enter the restaurant, there are
twenty-five people waiting to be seated, and the waiter informs
you it will be about an hour and a half before you can get a
table. Just at that moment the head waiter arrives and says,
"Good evening, Mr. Jones, we have your table for two right over
here overlooking the lights of the city." That's romance! That's
pre-planning that appears spontaneous.
What can you do on a date? Here are some suggestions.
-Take a window-shopping stroll after the stores have closed.
-Go river bank fishing by moonlight without too much attention to
fishing.
-Find a secluded spot and build a fire.
-Go for a drive in the car and just talk.
-Go bicycling.
-Go ice or roller skating.
-Visit a zoo.
-Visit the airport (you might even "watch the airplanes" like you
did before you married her).
-Go on a camp-out.
-Go to a rodeo.
-Visit a museum.
-Visit a library some evening and browse through all the books on
sex, love, and marriage.
-Spend an evening sharing mutual goals and planning family
objectives.
-Locate an unusual and different restaurant and spend the evening
there in loving conversation.
-Spend an evening making love in a motel, away from the children
and the phone. Be home by midnight.
-Go to the drive-in.
-Visit a convalescent home and take some presents to cheer up the
patients and elderly people.
(3) It includes the impractical. Cedars from Lebanon are very
impractical for bedroom construction! Furthermore, kings can't
afford time frivolously spent wandering through the forests of
Lebanon mountains with their wives (7:11). How impractical! Our
emphasis of "being practical" is a major killer of romance. There
is a beautiful illustration of impracticality in the Old
Testament. David and his mighty men were at war with the
Philistines. One day David casually remarked that he desired a
drink of water out of the well of Bethlehem (1 Sam.23:13-17). The
problem was this well was now located behind enemy lines and in
the middle of the Philistine camp! Three of David's "Five Star
Generals," the chiefs of the mighty men, overheard his remark.
That night they crept away from the camp and secretly crossed
enemy lines and crept right into the Philistine campsite. After
securing a pitcher of water from the well, they returned to the
Israelite camp completely undetected. When they gave their gift
to David, he was so overwhelmed that he said, "I am not worthy to
drink this water," and he poured it out on an altar - a sacrifice
to the Lord.
What utter nonsense! The three top men in David's army risk
their own lives and therefore the future of David's military
operations against the Philistines for a pitcher of water! It may
be impractical nonsense, but it is this kind of nonsense that
makes the world go around.
Creative romantic love is often stifled by the desire to be
reasonable and practical. "This isn't a strategic way to spend
money." "We're too old for that sort of thing." "Why don't we
wait until we have fulfilled all of these other
responsibilities."
I'm not advocating irresponsibility. I'm simply observing
that practicality can sometimes squelch love. Don't hesitate to
be impractical once in a while.
Your wife may need an ironing board to the point of
desperation. That would be a very "practical" gift but it rates
quite low in the romance department.
When I was a child I always bought my mother practical gifts
for Christmas like knives, plates, placemats, etc. Those gifts
are necessary, but we are supposed to be men now. Buy her some
perfume, scented soap, a record, lingerie, a basket of fruit, a
new plant for the house, or the new outfit she wanted but
couldn't afford.
(4) It includes creativity. Solomon is a very creative lover. We
find this illustrated profusely throughout the Song. It takes
creativity to design that kind of bedroom (1:16,17); he speaks to
her in poetry to describe her beauty (4:1-7); he takes her for
walks in the forests and they make love outdoors (7:11-13); he
buys her little trinkets and pieces of jewelry (1:11); he
encourages variety in their loveplay (7:1-11).
How creative are you toward your wife? Men tend to think in
categories and settle down into the rut of marriage very quickly.
We use a systematic and categorized approach to our jobs and
unfortunately often carry it over into our relationships with our
wives.
I once talked to a woman who told me of her husband's
lovemaking: "I can tell you exactly what my husband will do next,
how long he will linger on that part of my body to the second. He
hasn't changed the routine in twenty years." She doesn't want a
tired old man who treats her to a
"good-old-reliable-mother-to-my-children" kind of affection.
It has been said the only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth of it. If you have fallen into that
nine-to-five, sex-only-after-the-late-news, camping-vacation-
always-with-the-children-along rut, don't expect her to be a very
exciting lover. Introduce creativity into your lovemaking and
your total relationship like Solomon did.
To find out just how creative you are as a husband, may I
suggest you take the following "Lover's Quotient Test." Give
yourself ten points for each item on the following list if you
have done it once in the past six months. If you have done any
item on the list two or more times, you get twenty points.
-Have you phoned her during the week and asked her out for one
evening that weekend without telling her where you are taking
her? A mystery date.
-Have you given her an evening completely off? You clean up the
kitchen; you put the kids to bed.
-Have you gone parking with her at some safe and secluded spot
and kissed and talked for an evening?
-Have you drawn a bath for her after dinner? Put a scented candle
in the bathroom; add bath oil to the bath; send her there right
after dinner, and then you clean up and put the kids to bed while
she relaxes. (My wife says in order to get any points for this
you must also clean up the tub!)
-Have you phoned her from work to tell her you were thinking nice
thoughts about her?( (You get no points for this one if you asked
what was in the mail.)
-Have you written her a love letter and sent it special delivery?
(First class mail will do.)
-Have you made a tape recording of all the reasons you have for
loving her? Give it to her wrapped in a sheer negligee!
-Have you given her a day off? Send her out to do what she wants.
You clean the house, fix the meals, and take care of the kids.
(My wife says you ought to get thirty points for this one.)
-Have you put a special effect stereo recording of ocean waves on
tape and played it while you had a nude luau on the living room
floor? (If this seems a little far out for your tastes, you could
substitute a by either removing the stereo effects tape or having
a popcorn party in the privacy of the bedroom.)
-Have you spent a whole evening (more than two hours) sharing
mutual goals and planning family objectives with her and the
children?
-Have you ever planned a surprise weekend? You make the
reservations and arrange for someone to keep the children for two
days. Tell her to pack her suitcase, but don't tell her where you
are going. (Just be sure it's not the Super Bowl.) Make it
someplace romantic.
-Have you picked up your clothes just one time in the past six
months and put them on hangers?
-Have you given her an all-over body massage with scented lotion
and a vibrator?
-Have you spent a session of making love to her that included at
least two hours of romantic conversation, shared dreams, many
positions of intercourse, and much variety of approach and
caresses?
-Have you repaired something around the house which she has not
requested?
-Have you kissed her passionately for at least thirty seconds one
morning just before you left for work, or one evening when you
walked in the door?
-Have you brought her an unexpected little gift like perfume, a
ring, or an item of clothing?
-Have you replaced her old negligee?
I have given this ridiculous test to men all over the
country. Let's see? how your scores compare with theirs.
200-360-LOVER - You undoubtably have one of the most satisfied
wives in the country.
150-200-GOOD - Very few make this category.
100-150-AVERAGE - This husband is somewhat typical and usually
not very exciting as a lover.
50-100-KLUTZ - Too many score in this category. I hope you'll
begin to move up soon.
0-50-HUSBAND - There is a difference between a "husband" and a
"lover." The only reason your wife is still married to you is
that she's a Christian; she has unusual capacity for
unconditional acceptance, and there are some verses in the Bible
against divorce.
While the test shouldn't be taken too seriously, it does
outline a plan of attack to increase your creativity level. I
realize that many things on the list may not fit your temperament
and your marriage relationship. Make up your own list. The idea
is simply to encourage creativity in a fun way. After giving this test as a humorous conclusion to messages
on sex for men, I find varied reactions. Most of the men seem to
like it and leave encouraged to break the routine of the
marriage. One man wrote me and said the whole thing was silly and
ridiculous! Furthermore, everyone he had talked to agreed. This
test may be ridiculous as far as its application to your marriage
relationship is concerned. Fine. Furthermore, there are many
sincere, godly men who are very creative in their approach to
their wives, but who scored poorly on the test. The issue is what
is appropriate in your particular and unique marriage
relationship that will bring new zest and vitality. At the conclusion of one seminar, a man rated in the lover
category. He had a score of 340! Another man on the front row
laughed out loud when he heard the score and blurted, "How long
has he been married?" He was implying that the man who scored so
highly must have been only recently married. Once you settle down
in the daily routine and have been married for a number of years,
he reasoned, these things are no longer expected as a regular
part of married life, they are for "young couples."
If you are responding this way, let me ask you a question.
Does your relationship with the Lord Jesus become more and more
"settled" with time? Does it automatically loose its creativity
and zest the longer you know Him? If it does, then you have a
definite spiritual problem in your relationship with Him. It is
not growing. The Bible says the believer's relationship to Christ is to
illustrate the husband's relationship to his wife physically.
Just as a lack of spiritual vitality reflects a spiritual
problem, a lack of growth in the vitality of your marriage
relationship reveals a marriage problem. If your marriage is
truly an illustration of Christ and the church, it should become
more and more vital, free, and exciting as the years go by.
The other side of this is, creativity as a wife. We will
pick up some suggestions in that area when we discuss Song 7:13
in another chapter. For now, this brings the first part of the
Song to a close. We must now turn our attention to the second
half, in which we glean insight into resolving marital problems.
......................
IF MARRIED—— I HOPE THIS FIRST PART REALLY SERVED AND HELPED YOU BE A BETTER LOVER, IN ALL WAYS, PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY,
SPIRITUALLY.
Keith Hunt
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