SONG OF SOLOMON
BEING CREATIVE #1b
continuing
COMMENT
This beautiful love scene and the ensuing conversation
suggest several pertinent applications to marriage today.
The Dance of the Mahanaim
As mentioned in the commentary, Shulamith obviously was not
very inhibited. To dance like this, provocatively displaying
one's body, might seem a little unusual for Western tastes. We
must remember, however, that the Bible is a Near Eastern book,
and such behavior would not seem at all inappropriate in that
cultural context. Furthermore, the fact that Shulamith displayed
this kind of freedom doesn't imply that this is a norm for all
Western wives. She was being creatively aggressive to please her
man within the confines of her own personality and culture. The
Bible does not want any woman to try to be something that is
totally at variance with her personality. However, it could be
that God would have an inhibited wife change her personality a
little and strive to be what her husband needs!
The first thing that would inhibit any wife from this kind
of foreplay in the bedroom is concern about her figure. If she
thinks she is overweight, she will be very inhibited when it
comes to this kind of bedroom behavior. She thinks her husband is
only looking at the bulge around the middle. A wise woman once
counselled, "Stand nude in front of a mirror and take a good look
at yourself. Don't just look at the front; your husband sees the
back too. Turn sideways and get a glimpse of what you look like
to him." If you think there are some improvements needed, make
them!Many marriage counsellors consider inhibitions the number one cause of frigidity in women. Nothing so dramatically surfaces this issue as the contemplation of doing the dance of the Mahanaim for your husband. Perhaps because of our society's perversion of sex, many wives tend to react to the other extreme. In view of so much perverted exploitation of the human female body, it is natural to think that since the world displays it, a wife should conceal it. But certainly inhibition, whatever the causes, can generate considerable sexual tension in a marriage. Overcoming it is a very difficult thing. It might be helpful to consider that many of our ideas concerning modesty and "virtue" are really not related to the Bible at all. In their book, "The Freedom of Sexual Love" - Joseph and Lois Bird speak directly to this concern. "Nudity between husband and wife has nothing, repeat, nothing, to do with the virtue of modesty. In the intimacy of marriage, undressing for each other should be as natural and unself-conscious as a shared laugh or a mutual prayer. ."
Shulamith recognizes men are more aroused initially by sight - by a physical approach. Women often approach their husbands in a way they like to be approached - with romance, gentleness, etc. While that is certainly appropriate, it is sometimes a kind of selfish indifference to the husband. On the other hand, husbands sometimes approach their wives in the way they, the husbands, like to be approached. Men tend to be more physical and direct. Wives often say their husbands move too quickly to genital stimulation. The reason they do is that they are selfishly approaching their wives the way that appeals to them, not really thinking of their needs for tenderness and romance. Notice that Solomon always approaches his wife sexually with romance, atmosphere, and tenderness (Song 4:1-8). Shulamith, on the other hand, aggressively approaches her husband in a more physical way - with a dance (Song 7:1-9). Both are concerned with meeting their mate's needs and not insisting on sex on their own terms! While such a dance would be inappropriate for many marriage rela- tionships, if you and your husband have the kind of freedom and lack of inhibition described here (and there is nothing necessarily wrong if you don't), you might try some of these suggestions. Near Eastern Dancers often wore provocative negligees while dancing. Shulamith did and she also wore sandals (7:1,2). Thus, sandals and sexy negligees are part of a biblical description of foreplay! The intimate afterwards Tim LaHaye has pointed out a basic difference in the male and female sex drive cycles. He diagrams it this way: (The diagram is not reproduced, but the diagram for the man is a straighter up curve and a straight drop down after climax. The diagram for the woman is a much longer curve up and a longer out- stretched curve down - Keith Hunt) The difference in cycle is beautifully brought put in the Song. After they consummate their love, they fall asleep in one another's arms after engaging in loving conversation (7:9-13). Many husbands fail to express this post-orgasm intimacy and expression of love. This is because, as the diagram indicates, once the man has experienced orgasm, there is an almost immediate return to normal relaxation and even exhaustion. At this point many husbands roll over and go to sleep! However, it's not over for her. As the diagram indicates, there is a gradual tapering off of her sexual feelings back to normal relaxation. If you are not sensitive to thus, your wife can begin to feel taken for granted. "All he wants me for is sex," she may think. Or "The only time he gives me attention is when he wants sex!" If you roll over and fall asleep as soon as you're satisfied, what other conclusions can she draw?
That sudden drop off when having sex late at night is a commonthing for a man; not only is it a quick drop off, but there is the natural sleepiness for the man after a day at work. Sex should be done many times other than late at night - Keith Hunt
Paul taught that sexual intercourse was to picture Christ
and the church (Eph.5:31-32). This is an astounding parallel and
certainly ought to have forestalled the common notion that
Christianity is against sex. What is the essence of the parallel?
Death! Paul said the husband was to love his wife as Christ loved
the church and gave Himself for her. The believer is told that in
denying himself and losing his life, he will paradoxically find
it (Mark 8:35). Mutual death to self is the key to total oneness
spiritually and physically. To what does the wife need to die in the physical realm? She
needs to die to inhibition. Inhibition is sometimes a subtle form
of rebellion. Paul says the wife no longer has authority over her
own body and the husband no longer authority over his. Once you
are married, you own your mate's body (1 Cor. 7:4). Thus,
inhibition is insisting on an authority that you no longer have
and thus is sin. (Sin in the physical realm of sin I would say -
Keith Hunt).
The husband, on the other hand, needs to die to the feelings
of embarrassment or awkwardness in expressing tenderness and
romance. Both must die for the intimacy of the total oneness of
sexual love to be experienced. You both die to anything that
would obstruct your mates pleasure.
Something old and something new
Shulamith is a creative lover. Instead of sitting around
resenting Solomon for his preoccupation with his job and his late
night approach, she assumes responsibility for her behavior and
changes the relationship. First of all she is more aggressive
toward him sexually, as illustrated by the dance of the Mahanaim.
Then she reveals she has planned a vocation in the Lebanon
mountains where they will walk, enjoy the springtime, and make
love outdoors. Furthermore, she builds his anticipation of the
time together by enticingly suggesting she has something old and
something new to offer him. She has planned some new sexual
"fruit" or surprises for them to enjoy (7:13).
There are THREE basic keys to fully satisfying your man
sexually.
Be more aggressive
I really think most men long for their wives to be more
aggressive sexually. A man wants to know you long for him just as
he longs for you. In a survey of 500 men, 39 percent said their
biggest dissatisfaction in then sexual relationships with their
wives was that their wives were not aggressive enough. Recent
books have recommended you call your husband at work and tell him
you "crave his body," or that you will meet him at the door when
he comes home wearing only high heels and jewelry! (If you are
shy you can wear lots of jewelry.)
Many people react to this sort of thing and say, "That's
just not me!" Then don't do it! Do what IS you. Ask God to show
you what you can do, and be willing to put your inhibitions
aside. Just remember to approach him according to the way God
designed him, through the eye gate as Shulamith did. If your
husband does not want you to be more aggressive, then don't be.
The goal is to be what your man wants. Know your husband and what
he wants, and if what he wants is the dance of the Mahanaim, get
on your dancing sandals!
Be totally available
The Scripture plainly says, "The wife's body does not belong
to her alone but also to her husband" (1 Cor.7:4). One doctor was
telling a wife that she should be totally available to her
husband, and the wife got a look of horror on her face. "If I was
totally available to him, we'd never get out of bed!" she said.
The doctor assured the distraught patient she and her husband
wouldn't have intercourse nearly as often as she expected. He
told her, "Someone who bangs on the door forty times when it
stays locked only knocks once if you open right away."
Most wives who haven't reached sexual harmony with their
husbands find them making some kind of advance nearly every
night. These women are afraid they will be asked to participate
more often than they can bear if they let down the barriers. But
actually, a man who has intercourse as often as he wants finds
that in a week or two the pressure of his physical urge is
relieved, and the psychological pressure to overcome resistance
no longer applies, so his sexual pace tapers off.
One man explained to me that his wife is available to him in
"spurts." After she has read a book about what a wife should be,
or heard someone speak on it, or when they have a fight about
sex, she has a good attitude for a few days; soon, however, she
returns to her old habits of rejection.
He said when she is responsive, "I take advantage of it
because I know it won't last long. And because I do, my wife
thinks all I ever think about is sex."
You know, when you are on a diet, all you can think about is
food. When you can have food anytime you want, you're not nearly
so interested. It's the same with sex. When a man or woman knows
they will be rejected, they will very likely be consumed with
what they can't have. When a man knows his wife is totally
available, his desire will gradually decrease. It may take some
time, but gradually as he sees you lovingly and eagerly available
to be loved by him, the frequency of your lovemaking will come to
a level more acceptable to you. One woman had a husband who approached her very often,
several times a day, including the middle of the night. They had
fights; she told him he was oversexed. Finally, he said he had
had it and would approach her no more. She called my wife and
said, "Linda, I've heard you say publically and privately your
goal in life is to be, a godly woman. Well, let me tell you, my
goal in life it to make my husband scream for mercy!"
The poor man didn't know what had hit him. She told my wife
she knew she was succeeding when she approached him sexually
while he was watching television and he said, "Please! Let me
finish this program." She found she had to prove her total
availability to him by being aggressive.
This woman furthermore found her husband was truly
satisfied. Sex to a man isn't only physical. When she was warm,
responsive, and aggressive to her husband, he felt he was loved
and not just endured! His psychological needs of acceptance, of
wanting to be needed, and of wanting total involvement from his
wife had been met. As a result his obsession for sex began to
diminish. He still was very active sexually, but their
relationship was much improved because of her changed attitude.
People do have different amounts of sexual desire. If you
are married to a man with a high sex drive, ask God to make your
desire equal to his. Perhaps your husband has a low sex drive.
It's possible that it is physiological, but it could also be
psychological. I know of one case where it was directly related
to the fact that the woman was trying to lead the family, and
therefore he just wasn't interested in her. Let's look a little more at the psychological aspects of
availability. A man once told me about his wife, "Even when she
satisfies me physically, I come away with a need. I feel she
hasn't really given or really enjoyed but just put up with me. I
need a sexual release again quickly because I'm longing for that
total oneness and release that comes when both partners
completely give of themselves. I know if I was satisfied
physically, emotionally, and spiritually that I wouldn't walk
around thinking about sex, wanting it and aching inside."
On the other hand, let's look at it from the woman's point
of view. Perhaps she is busily making presents. The children are
finally in bed, and for the first time that day she has a chance
to do something she wants and needs to do. While she is totally
engrossed, in walks her husband with that special gleam in his
eye. At this point she has a choice. She can say, "Oh honey, not
tonight," or she can decide and choose to love this man God has
given her. Even if her initial response is "Oh, no," she can
change that immediately to "Oh, yes!"
And once she is in his arms, she has more choices to make.
I'm convinced that much of a woman's sexual response is in her
brain. If he is kissing her and she is still thinking about the
gifts, she can decide to think about loving him and ask God to
give her a desire for him. If she will think and dwell on how
nice his body feels and what a privilege it is to love him, the
thoughts of the presents she was making will fade away.
Be creative
A wise woman once said, "You can become a Rembrandt in your
sexual art, or you can stay at the paint-by-number stage." The
woman who would never think of serving her husband the same
frozen television dinner every evening sometimes serves him the
same frozen sexual response every night. Sex, like supper, loses
much of its flavor when it becomes predictable. It is biblical
for a wife to be a skilful lover to her husband. Solomon said of
Shulamith's love skill, "How beautiful is your love, my sister,
my bride! How much better is your love than. wine. . . " He said
she was more skilled than any mistress of the empire (Song 6:8). The
young man of Prov.5:19 is told to be drunk with his wife's sexual
skill!
What is skill? It's a lot more than technique! It is
primarily an attitude of total availability, that is 90 percent
of "skill." If a woman has this attitude, she and her husband
together can figure out all the "skills" they need without having
to read any books. To be "creative" is to bring into existence
something that hasn't been there before. Here it applies to
bringing into existence a vital and invigorating sexual life. It
involves taking the initiative. And finally, it does involve some
imaginative new ideas, but they are not nearly as important as
the fundamental attitudes we have been talking about in the
preceding chapters of this book.
Where does that leave you? O.K., so I'm supposed to be
creative. But what do I do? In chapter 6 we made some suggestions
to the men, but for a woman's point of view may I refer you to my
wife's excellent book (I'm not at all prejudiced!), "Creative
Counterpart" (Thomas Nelson, Inc., 1977) in which she devotes an
entire chapter to the subject of the "Creative Lover."
(That book may not now be available. I do not have a copy of it.
But I'm sure there are some other fine books on the present
market in Bible Book stores, that will expound the same truths
and instructions - Keith Hunt)
The conclusion of our tittle song is upon us. We have left our
lovers strolling along a country road as they come to Shulamith's
home in the Lebanon mountains. As they emerge from the forests
where they have shared their love, Shulamith for the third time
warns against the premature arousal of sexual passion (8:4). Her
warning that it not be awakened until you are committed to your
future husband becomes the introductory theme of the book's
conclusion. The poet in his final song will direct our attention
to the nature of the love Solomon and Shulamith share and how it
can be developed.
...................
The final chapter before an instructional APPENDIX is called "A
Vacation in the Country."
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