Love Refused
A Problem Solved
Continuing with Dillow's book A DREAM OF LOVE REFUSED - A PROBLEM (Reflection #9, Song 5:2-8) Let's review the first part of the book for a moment. From 1:1 to 5:1, Shulamith's reflections deal with the wedding day and the wedding night. These chapters portray the ideal - the beauties of youthful and romantic love. Now, in the second major section of the book, a series of seven reflections portray the reality of married love. There are problems and adjustments that must be made if two people are to learn to live together in a vital marriage. The Bible is quite realistic, it doesn't leave us with an idealized picture of them living happily ever after. There were two major problems that affected the early years of this marriage. The first concerned some problems related to sex. Solomon's job apparently kept him away from Shulamith more than she liked, and he was in the habit of approaching her sexually late at night after she was already in bed. She, in turn, continually displayed a lack of interest in sex and often rejected his advances. The second problem surfaces in chapter six. Shulamith is a country girl at heart. She longs for the freedom of the country. Even though she loves Solomon, she would still like to visit her country home in the Lebanon mountains. The first part of this section of the book (5:2-8:4) reveals how they resolved their sexual differences. The second part gives the solution to the longing of Shulamith's heart, a vacation to the Lebanon mountains (8:5-13). The first part of this section consists of five reflections. It begins with "A Dream of Love Refused" (5:2-8) and ends with "The Dance of the Mahanaim" (6:136-8:4). It can be diagrammatically set forth like this: From "A Dream of Love's Refusal" to "The Dance of the Mahanaim" (Song 5:2-8:4) THE PROBLEM: LOVE REFUSED THE SOLUTION: ASSUMING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY A Dream of Love Refused A Change of Attitude A Thoughtful of Interlude A Change of Action My Beloved and Friend The Return Solomon Shulamith in the Garden The Dance Mahanaim "I have taken off my dress, how can I put it on? (5:3) Concerning: thinking about sex Concerning: her husband's availability. What kind of beloved is your beloved? Where has your beloved gone? "You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling" (6:4) "Come back come back, O Shulammite" (6:13a) 5:2 8 9 16 6:1 3 4 10 11 13a 13b 8:4 The section begins with her passive apathy toward her husband's late-night advances and ends (after a decisive change of attitude, 5:9-6:3) with her active aggressiveness in initiating sexual play(6:13b-5:4). The problem is sexual adjustment and many pertinent applications are suggested by this chapter to twentieth century marriage. This song opens with Shulamith in a semi-conscious dream state. She is troubled and restless; her "heart is awake." Sometimes a restless dream of an unpleasant event reflects a degree of inner distress concerning the event. Many have found themselves dreaming about things that upset them during the day or about a particularly disturbing problem they are faring. The poet may have included the dream as a way of telling his readers that the problem troubling Shulamith is very upsetting to her. Insofar as the dream seems to contain a scene in which she is being punished (beaten by the palace guards) perhaps we are to assume she was feeling guilt over ignoring Solomon's sexual interest. COMMENTARY 5:2 SHULAMITH: I was asleep, but my heart was awake. To sleep while the heart is awake is to dream. The Hebrew text reads more literally, "I sleep and my heart keeps on waking." It was a restless and dream-filled night for Shulamith. She evidently tossed throughout the night in a restless sleep, stirring oft-times in a troublesome dream. This section of the Song reveals two possible causes for her restless night. First of all, she and the king have had difficulties resolving some sexual problems (5:2,3). Secondly, she seems to have developed a longing for life in the country once again, and she has had trouble fully adjusting to palace life (6:12,13; 7:12). The sexual problems are the focus of attention in the dream. A person only keeps on dreaming and has a restless night if there is a recurrent problem underlying the dream. In this case she seems to be upset with herself for her refusal of Solomon's late-night approach to sex. He had approached her after she was already in bed, and she had refused him; apparently she feels guilty about it. In the fantasy of her dreams, she imagines that she refused him, and after he left she could never find him. 5:2 SHULAMITH: A voice! My beloved was knocking: Open to me, my sister, my darling, My dove, my perfect one! For my head is drenched with dew, My locks with the damp of the night During some months in Palestine, dew falls so copiously that it saturates the clothes like rain (Judges 5:38). Solomon, apparently at an affair of state, comes to her bedroom in the dream and asks to make love. We know it is late at night because the dew has already begun to fall. It could be that in the dream she is thinking of herself as back at her country home. This at least makes the reference to dew and the opening in the window (5:4) easier to explain. But dreams are very subtle, and not too much should be made of this. As she dreams the scene shifts back to the streets of Jerusalem - an impossibility, of course, in real life. Now she gives two reasons why she is not interested in making love. 5:3 SHULAMITH: I have taken off my dress, How can I put it on again? If this seems like a strange reason to you for not making love, it seems strange to me also. She says she would have to put her robe on, get up and walk to the door, and open it. In effect, she's saying something like, "Oh Solomon, can't it wait? Can't you see that I'm tired and in bed?" Then she gives her second excuse. This time she gets religious about it. I have washed my feet, How can I dirty them again? The soiling of the feet was counted as a symbol of moral contamination from the petty transgressions of everyday life (John 13:10). They would often wash their feet ceremonially at night to symbolize their need for daily cleansing from sin, just as Jesus illustrated to His disciples (John 13:10).1 She is saying, "If I get up to let you in to make love, I'll get my feet dirty walking across the floor. Then 1 would have to wash them again before I could go back to bed." Now both of these statements are obviously excuses! "I'll have to put my bathrobe on, and I'll get my feet dirty!" What she's trying to convey to her late-night lover is that she's tired, already in bed, and just not in the mood. The dew suggests it's pretty late at night, about the time of the conclusion of "The Late Show" on TV. Shulamith now awakens thoroughly and finally begins to respond to Solomon's interests. 5:4 SHULAMITH: My beloved extended his hand through the opening, And my feelings were aroused for him. It was the ancient custom to secure the door of a house by a cross bar or by a bolt, which at night was fastened with a little button or pin.2 In the upperpart of the door, there was a round hole through which any person from the outside might thrust his arm and remove the bar, unless the hole was sealed up. As Shulamith saw Solomon's hand, she realized his desire for her, and she had guilt feelings about her lack of availability. Then she decided Solomon didn't have such a bad idea after all, and "her feelings were aroused for Him." 5:5 SHULAMITH: I arose to open to my beloved; And my hand dripped with myrrh, And my fingers with liquid myrrh, On the handles of the bolt. In the fantasy of the dream, she associates her husband's approaches toward her sexually with scented lotions. In their culture, a lover would leave this fragrant myrrh at the door as a sign he had been there.3 5:6 SHULAMITH: I opened to my beloved But my beloved had turned away and had gone! My heart went out to him... but 1 did not find him; I called him, but he did not answer me. In her dream she is grieved to see Solomon has left. He had come to make love (an inappropriate time, his fault); she refused him (her fault), and now he has left with wounded pride. There is nothing more deflating to a persons ego than to have one's mate continually reject his or her sexual advances. Her discovery that her husband has left compounds her guilt, and she now imagines that as she searches for him, the watchmen punish her. 5:7 SHULAMITH: The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me, They struck me and wounded me; The guardsmen of the wails took away my shawl from me. As Shulamith dreams, she fancies herself out in the sheets of Jerusalem searching for Solomon after refusing him. Obviously, the watchmen would not in reality lay a hand on Solomon's queen, but this is a dream. The fact that the guards beat her may indicate she is plagued with guilt because of her rejection of Solomon. 5:8 SHULAMITH: I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, If you find my beloved, As to what to tell him: For I am lovesick. The exact chronology of this dream sequence is difficult to follow. There seems to be no definite agreement among commentators as to when the dream ends and reality resumes. It appears to me, however, that due to the shift in tone and personal address in 5:8, the dream is over and a new scene is introduced. The chorus and the Shulamite girl have a conversation pinpointing the implications of the dream and some keys to solving their problems. Others say the dream continues all the way to 6:3. It makes little difference, however, to our understanding of the main thrust of the poet's message. Thus, 5:8 could either be viewed as the conclusion of the dream (inserted by the poet to make a transition to the next scene), or as the introductory verse to the following scene. She addresses the imaginary, non-existent chorus, instructing them to help her locate Solomon and tell him she is "lovesick." This is the same word used in 2:5, and it carries the notion of being highly aroused sexually. The dream has now ended, but the powerful feeling of repentance and separation the dream left behind causes Shulamith to awaken, observe that Solomon is not beside her, and seek the aid of the chorus in finding him. The effects of the dream were so strong she remembers it as an actual experience. Apparently, the dream has set her desires in motion, for she awakens "lovesick." The chorus is to tell Solomon that Shulamith deeply desires to make love with him. This would obviously be inappropriate if the daughters of Jerusalem really existed. In this case, this literary device enables Shulamith to express herself when no one is there. As she awakes, she realizes her husband is away on affairs of state (Song 6:2-3). This causes her to reflect on the understanding she had before she married Solomon. She had counted the cost before they were married and had anticipated that separation could be a problem; she was not caught by surprise. Instead of reacting with bitterness or resentment, she designed a creative alternative that would meet her needs as well as Solomon's within the framework of life they had chosen. That alternative partly involved periodic vacations in the country (7:11). It seems apparent there is an intentional contrast with the dream of 3:1-4. In both dreams, Shulamith seeks her husband (3:3; 5:7). The first dream is just before the wedding night, and the second dream is just after it. In the first, she seeks her husband and finds him. In Chapter 5:2-8, she searches only to be beaten by the night watchmen. In the dream of separation, we find Shulamith longing for her husband; in the dream of love refused, the emphasis is on taking her husband's sexual interest for granted. This contrast serves to heighten the import of her rejection. COMMENT These passages illustrate that sexual adjustment is not automatic. Too often young married couples think they will get married and fall into bed and immediately experience a beautiful sexual relationship. The Bible realistically portrays that such is not always the case. One study revealed that marriage failures due to sexual problems could be as high as 75 to 80 percent.4 Several common problems relating to sexual adjustment in marriage are suggested here. Rejection The following letter is written in jest, humorously exposing the issue of rejection. "To My Loving Wife" During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded only 36 times; this is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often. It will wake the children ....27 times It's too late .... ...........23 times It's too hot .... ............16 times It's too cold ................ 5 times It's too early ...............15 times Pretended to be asleep........46 times Windows open, neighbors will hear ..........9 times Backache ....................26 times Headache .............. ......18 times Toothache ....................13 times Giggles .......................6 times Not in the mood.............. 36 times Too full ... .........:.......10 times Baby is crying ...............17 times Watched late TV show .........17 times I watched late TV show .......15 times Mud Pack .....................11 times Company in next room .........11 times You had to go to the bathroom ...........19 times TOTAL ........................329 times During the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory due to the following: 1. Six times you chewed gum during the whole time. 2. Seven times you watched TV the whole time. 3. Sixteen times you told me to hurry up and get it over with. 4. Six times I tried to wake you to tell you we were through. 5. One time I was afraid I had hurt you for I felt you move. Honey, it's no wonder I'm so irritable! YOUR LOVING HUSBAND This letter reveals that "rejection" can be both physical and psychological. It is just as much rejection of your mate to seem passively uninvolved as it is to actively reject. I read of one lady who gives her husband a check list of things she wants done around the house every Saturday morning. If he does everything on the list, he gets a "reward" Saturday night. Talk about rejection! That is psychological rejection. Note the command of Scripture: The husband should fulfil his married duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor.7:305). The Word here is quite strong. It is sin to reject your mate's sexual interests (actively or passively). This may seem harsh, but extensive counselling in numerous situations have borne this out in my experience. I have heard some of the most involved and sincere reasons for rejecting one's mate physically, but when we eventually got to the root of it, there was generally a problem of selfishness and sin somewhere. This passage gives only three conditions lawful under God for a married couple to abstain from regular sexual relations. (1) When there has been mutual consent (2) When it is only for a short period of time, and (3) When the purpose is to devote oneself to prayer. In the above letter, numerous excuses were offered for rejection, but prayer wasn't on the list. I don't know of anyone who has offered that reason to his mate! In this passage, Shulamith rejects her husband but the reverse situation is also common. The notion that men are always the ones interested in sex and women don't have a great need is not well-supported by recent studies. Miles, in a survey of 150 Christian couples, asked, "How often would you like to have intercourse and orgasms if you could have this experience every time you really wanted to?" The husbands replied they would like it every 2.7 days (average), and the wives every 3.2 days.5 Thus, there is virtually no difference revealed in this particular study. In fact, up until the modern era, it was women who were considered to have the greater sexual appetites.6 It is interesting that throughout the Song of Solomon and in 1 Cor.7 there seems to be an underlying assumption that there is no real difference in the sexual needs or drives between men and women. As far as the Bible speaks to the issue, a woman's need is viewed as equal with a man's. There are significant differences in psychological outlook, timing, and other factors, but the capacity and desire for sex is equal. Shulamith's rejection of solomon raises the question of "normal" frequency. One woman sputtered with defiant frustration to a counsellor, "Why my husband is so oversexed he would insist on making love to me at least twice a month if I'd let him." The couples Miles interviewed revealed they enjoyed intercourse to orgasm an average of 3.3 times per week. However, these statistics are really quite meaningless to a specific couple's situation. The issue is what is appropriate for your unique relationship and not some "national average." Based on 1 Cor. 7:3-5, Shirley Rice gives these dangers of rejecting your mate's sexual initiatives. (1) Your fellowship with the Lord is in jeopardy because it is a sin to violate a command of Scripture. (2) You relationship with your mate can be damaged or ruined. (3) You will perhaps tempt your mate to adultery through the resulting anger and frustration.8 One reason so many men appear to be obsessed with sex is because they get so little of it from their wives. If a man has not eaten in five days, every time he passes the refrigerator food is all he can think about. Like food, sex isn't the most important thing in life, but if you are not totally available, it can become an obsession to your husband. (The modern science fact is that men have about 10 TIMES more the sexual hormone than women. Surveys show that men think about sex about every one minute, while women about twice a day. One woman was given by mistake the male sex hormone that put her on the level of sexuality as the average man. She exclaimed, "How do men manage to function in the work-a-day world of women around them, having been given the male sex hormone by mistake, I could only think of sex, sex, sex, all day long!" - Keith Hunt) The reason for Shulamith's lack of sexual interest is simply that she was tired and already in bed. In a recent survey by Christian Family Life, 10 percent of the women indicated their number one sexual problem was tiredness.9 It is quite likely a much higher percentage would have listed tiredness had the question included the first, second, and third major problems. There are times a wife will be exhausted because of sick children, etc., and will perhaps be unable to climax. But as one loving wife put it, "she can still glory in pleasing her husband." If you are too tired to make love, there is nothing at all wrong with occasionally saying, "Honey, I just don't think I can climax tonight, but I'd love to make you happy." Then take him in your arms, give yourself to him, and whisper in his ear that you love him and are thrilled you can give him pleasure. Furthermore, he should not be made to feel selfish if he makes such a request. You are not being "used" when you respond in this way (unless he makes a regular habit of it). You are showing your self-giving love. Can't you just enjoy being in his arms? There is no rule that a wife must reach orgasm every time. The central issue in sexual love is not having an orgasm; rather it is sharing mutual love. Obviously, this kind of response would be a normal response in a vital and healthy marriage. However, if there are complex communication barriers, this response could seem foreign. The Problem of Late-Night Sex Solomon's late-night approach leaves much to be desired. Likewise, the late-night approach of many twentieth century husbands could stand some variation. Consider the following situation. Typical Elmer, the average American husband, comes home from work just about the same way he left that morning - sparkling conversation, amorous embrace and all. He enters, nods briefly to the kids, grunts to his wife, ask if there was anything in the mail and then lets his mind be stimulated by blankly staring at the six o'clock news. "Shhhh," his wife says to the children, "don't make any noise. Daddy is trying to watch TV." At exactly the right time, his wife tiptoes into the TV room and says, "Dear, dinner is ready." (Elmer gets very upset when his dinner isn't ready on time.) He shares the latest moves in the office games, and she describes the latest neighborhood gossip and the children's misbehaviors, Wow! Exciting evening! Elmer burps his way through dinner and then leaves his wife to clean up the kitchen, diaper the kids, do the laundry, vacuum the house, write letters to his parents, and she falls asleep totally exhausted about nine-thirty. In the meantime, Elmer dozes off in front of "Tuesday Night at the Movies." Suddenly, about 1:00 AM the "Star-Spangled Banner" jolts Elmer awake. He turns off the TV set, runs for his trusty javelin, dons his Roman toga, puts on a crown of ivy leaves, crashes into the bedroom and shouts, "Let the games begin." Elmer wants "play-time" before he goes "nite-nite" And of course she's supposed to be aroused and excited. Being very considerate, Elmer may even give her sixty seconds before "favoring" her with his "let's get down to business" virility. Good old hard-working Elmer just cant understand why his wife isn't passionately responding to his every initiative! And even if she submits to her 1:00 A.M. husband with his spur-of-the-moment big ideas, she isn't likely to throw herself into it with the greatest of ardor.10 Elmer is typical of many men who never seem to give their wives any attention until they want sex late at night. They demonstrate absolutely no involvement in their wives' problems or in their lives except when they are physically aroused. Page Williams cites a humorous conversation he had with a little boy. He had asked the little lad what his dad did for a living, and the boy replied, "He watches." Williams asked, "You mean he is a night watchman?" "Oh, no," the little boy exclaimed, "He just watches." "Well, what does he watch?" Williams asked. "I don't know if I can tell you everything," he continued "I can name a few things." "Well, tell me," Williams replied. "He watches TV, he watches Mom do the housework he watches for the paperboy, he watches the weather, and I think he watches girls, too," he said, with an impish grin on his face. "He watches the stock market, football games, all the sports, he watches mother spank us, and he watches us do our homework. He watches us leave to go to church and PTA and shopping. He watches my brother mow the lawn, and he watches me rake. He watches my sister clean up the dirty dishes, and he watches me play with my dog. He watches Mom pay the bills. He watches me a lot - but mainly he just watches," said the little fellow, with a note of sadness in his voice. If you are a "typical Elmer" or a "watcher" don't expect much of a response sexually from your wife. (YES, IT IS TIME MEN GOT A LIFE, AS THEY SAY, AND GOT TO KNOW WHAT GOD WANTS A MAN TO BE IN THE HOME, AND SEXUALLY WITH THEIR WIVES. THERE ARE BOOKS UPON BOOKS TODAY ON THE NITTY-GRITTY OF BEING A REAL MAN - A MAN OF GOD, BOTH IN THE PHYSICAL REALM AND THE SPIRITUAL REALM, AND BEING THE RIGHT KIND OF LEADER IN THE HOME. TIME MEN TO TURN OFF THE TV AND GET OFF YOUR BACK-SIDE AND PITCH IN WITH ALL THE DUTIES THAT MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN DEMAND - Keith Hunt) Solomon may not have been a "watcher," but he definitely needed some instruction on some appropriate times to approach his wife. I don't know if anyone has made a study of it, but my guess is that 90 percent or more of the times most couples make love are late at night after everything is done. They've eaten a full meal, cleaned up the kitchen, read the newspaper, helped the children with homework, discussed the family budget and stared blankly at the tube for three hours. Then they fall into bed for five or ten minutes of "ho-hum" sex followed immediately by snoring. After several years of this, sex "is just not that important to us." The vitality and spark of their sexual love is lost. A gynecologist in Houston counsels young brides, "Never under any circumstances make love to your husband after 7:00 at night" This is an exaggeration, but Solomon could have profited from this information. A late-night routine can kill sexual love. While many lovemaking experiences can "just happen," some of the most meaningful often are pre-planned. A phone call to your wife letting her know you love her and would like to set the evening aside for making love will go a long way toward getting her in the mood. A lingering good-bye kiss in the morning lets her know how much you'd rather stay home with her than go to work, and goes miles toward setting up an interesting evening. While it's true Solomon was inconsiderate in his approach, her reaction is inspiring. Instead of sitting around feeling resentful, accusing him of wanting to "use her," and turning off sexually, she begins to work on her attitudes and actions. In Song 5:9-6:3 we see a decisive change of attitude, and in Song 7:1-13 we see a decisive change of action. FOOTNOTES 1. Otto Zockler, "The Song of Song" (Lange's s Commentary, 12 Vols; Grand Rapids; Zondervan, 1960), V 103. 2.Ibid., V, 103. 3. S.Craig Glickman, " Song for Lovers" (Downers Grove: Inter- Verity, 1976), p. 63. 4. "Dallas Times Herald," Nov.12, 1973, p.6-B. 5. Herbert Miles, "Sexual Happiness, in Marriage" (Grand Rapids: Zondevan, 1967), p.137. 6 Professor N. Junks, "Sex and Love Today" (New York: Vala, 1970), p.125. 7. Miles, p.137. 8. Shirley Rice, "Physical Unity in Marriage" (Norfolk: Tabernacle Church of Norfolk, 7120 Granby St., Norfolk, Va. 23505, 19731, p.7-8. 9. Survey compiled by Christian Family Life, 9210 Markville, Dallas, Texas, 75231. 10. This illustration was adapted from a book by Lois Bird, Doubleday, Inc. Pub. 11. H. Page Williams, "Do Yourself A Favor, Love Your Wife" (Plainfield: Logos International, 1973), p.5. .......................... To be continued with "Solving Sexual Problems" Entered on my Website August 2007 |
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